"Queen Berlap!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Shut up, I'm trying to drive," barked Beryl. She was driving a car. Kunzite was in shotgun, and the other three were crammed into the backseat.
"Get your elbow out of my face," sneered Zoisite.
"Get your face out of my elbow!" said Nephrite.
"I spy with my little eye…" began Jed.
"Can it!" yelled Zoisite and Nephrite.
"Keep it down back there!" shouted Beryl. "Kunzite, where do I turn?"
Kunzite was too distracted looking at himself in the visor window. "Mmmmm," he said.
"KUNZITE!" yelled Beryl.
Kunzite jumped back, sending his seat flying into Nephrite. He pulled out his map and looked at it frantically.
"Make a left," he said.
"Ty," said Beryl.
"So where are we going?" asked Jadeite.
"Did you not pay attention at all during the briefing?!" barked Beryl.
"D'awww, I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I was too distracted playing I-Spy with Zoisite and Nephrite!"
"We weren't playing with you!" they yelled.
"That's not what you said when you said 'I spy with my little eye," said Jadeite.
"We never said that."
"nye nue nnuen neune," replied Jadeite.
"Anyway," said Queen Beryl. "We're taking the initiative this time and disposing of one of our oldest and most annoying nemeses!"
"Queen Serenity?" asked Kunzite.
"Who?" asked Beryl. "No, don't be ridiculous. We're going after none other than Rei's Grandpa. We're actually driving to the temple right now."
"Ohhhhh," realized Kunzite. "Then go back and take a right!"
Queen Beryl grunted, and slugged Kunzite.
"Owww, did a punch buggy drive by?" he asked, hurt.
Queen Beryl turned around and they continued down the street. "We're going to get Grandpa before he sees it coming. For once, we'll be the ones with the upper-hand!"
"How do you think Metalia's holding up in the trunk?" asked Jadeite.
"She'll be fine," said Beryl. "She doesn't need to breathe… I hope!"
"Mrm,rmrmmmr," grunted Metalia.
"See?" replied Queen Beryl.
They stopped at a stoplight.
"Why are we stopping?" asked Nephrite. "We're too evil to abide by laws!"
"Without laws there would be chaos," explained Beryl. "And we don't want that!"
"But I thought we did?" asked Zoisite.
"Silence!" shouted Beryl. She ran the red light and started going across the intersection.
"I spy with my little-" began Jed.
Suddenly, their car was intercepted by a black shadow, and it started tumbling until it hit a building and exploded.
Jadeite absorbed most of the blow, and all the Shitennou surfaced from the rubble.
"Crap, where's Metalia?" asked Beryl.
Jadeite took his hat off. "She was a good man. Or… woman. Or… blob."
"Who's the dumbass that ran a green light and hit us, anyway?" demanded Nephrite, taking off his gloves. "I'll show them a piece of my mind!"
"So you're going to show them nothing?" asked Zoisite.
"Alright, that was a good one," admitted Nephrite. "But don't expect many more passes."
"Ahem," said Grandpa, who was standing in the middle of the road which was suddenly deserted. He was surrounded by a cloud of fog that had miraculously appeared.
"GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled everyone.
"HA!" scoffed Grandpa. "You thought you could get the upper-hand on me!"
"No we didn't!" lied Beryl.
"It's over for you all," said Grandpa.
"Come on guys, let's get him!" hollered Jadeite, charging like a madman.
No one charged with him.
Jadeite threw a wild punch but Grandpa caught it with ease. Then he used his eye-beams to blast Jadeite's head clear off.
"Bozo," said Kunzite. "Anyway, let's charge for real this time!"
But Grandpa was moving in.
"Kunzite, protect me!" howled Beryl.
"No Kunzite, protect me!" cried Zoisite.
"Uhh… uhh. .. .u..u.u..u.u..uhhhh!" said Kunzite. He was confused.
Grandpa took the chance to deliver a powerful undercut to Kunzite's jaw.
Kunzite flew into the air and never returned.
"No!" cried Zoisite. "You're gonna pay for that!"
"Nrrm mrmmrnrm nrnrm," mocked Grandpa.
Zoisite charged with his fists of fury. But halfway through the charge, everyone blinked and Zoisite was gone, as if he never existed to begin with.
Nephrite examined the ground where he once stood. "Not even a trace," he said.
Beryl took off her crown. "Meh," she said mournfully. "Nephrite, protect me!"
But Nephrite was running away at top speeds. He quickly hid in a local Target and ran into the lady's restroom, ducking into one of the stalls.
"He'll never find me here," said Nephrite.
Suddenly, Grandpa's head slipped under the stall door. "Mmmm…" began Grandpa. "Nephrite?! HAHA! I wasn't even looking for you!"
Nephrite tried to hop over him and flee, but Grandpa extended his tongue and wrapped it around Nephrite. He finished off Nephrite in one chomp.
"Mmmmm," he said, licking his lips.
He returned to where Beryl stood.
"Metalia, protect me!" cried Beryl.
Nobody came.
"Alright," said Beryl. "I didn't think it would come to this."
She summoned a huge crystal and flung it at Grandpa, all while yelling "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Because of her loud scream, Grandpa was alerted to dodge the attack. He shot out his tongue like a dagger and sliced Beryl in half.
"Mmmmmm," he mmmm'ed.
"That was quite the beatdown," said Kunzite in a body cast.
"How did this happen?!" cried Beryl.
"Maybe we're just bad," considered Zoisite.
"That can't be the case!" exclaimed Nephrite. "Someone would have told us that by now!"
"I spy with my little eye…" started Jadeite.
Kunzite socked him.
"Owww!" yelled Kunzite. "I socked you with my broken arm by accident!"
"Haha," laughed Jed.
Kunzite head-butted Jed.
"So what do we do?" asked Queen Beryl.
"We obviously can't beat him in a regular fight," said Kunzite.
"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "He is a superb fighter. It would be too dangerous to fight him in a head-on attack."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Zoisite upon spotting Grandpa. "YOU WILL PAYYYY!"
Grandpa picked up Zoisite and threw him like a ragdoll across the Earth. Right when he finally flew back to that exact spot, Grandpa extended his fist, and Zoisite collided with it and was no more.
"Ok, I kind of strayed from the plan," noted Zoisite. "But I was getting at something when I said not to attack him head-on. We need to use a surprise attack, or some kind of trap!"
"Grandpa has had 1,000 years of wisdom," said Nephrite. "He's practically invincible. We can't outsmart him or overpower him."
"We're the Negaverse!" shouted Jadeite. "We can do anything!"
"Waaa! Help!" yelled Jadeite. He was wearing striped overalls and a propeller cap. He held a large swirly lollipop. "I am a young boy and I can't find my parents! Can someone take me in their van and give me some free candy?" he called.
Grandpa appeared out of nowhere and started approaching Jed.
On the other side of the bushes stood the rest of the Negaverse, holding a rope that was attached to a cage hanging in the tree above.
"Just a little closer…" said Beryl, as they watch Grandpa approach the red X.
"Hey little boy," said Grandpa. "Do you like basements?"
"Uh… yeah!" said Jed in a squeaky voice.
"Perfect," snickered Grandpa. He stepped on the red X.
"NOOOOW!" shouted Queen Beryl.
Kunzite pulled the rope with all his force, and the cage dropped down trapping Grandpa and Jadeite.
"Oh no!" cried Grandpa. "I've been bamboozled!"
"Oops," said Nephrite. "We miscalculated the size of the cage and the position of Jadeite! He's trapped!"
"Bummer," said Zoisite.
"You win some you lose some," said Beryl.
"HEEEEEEELP!" yelled Jadeite banging on the cage.
Grandpa sprung up from behind him and got him in a chokehold. "Let me out or I'll kill your friend!"
The Shitennou all looked away and whistled.
"There's nothing we can do," said Kunzite.
"Riperoo," said Zoisite.
Grandpa finished off Jadeite and left little trace. "I can live off this youngster for years!"
"Well, then good luck spending the rest of your life in a cage!" mocked Queen Beryl.
They teleported away.
After they finished reviving Jed again, they headed back two weeks later to check if Grandpa had died from lack of little kids.
They approached the cage, and saw Grandpa's dead body, half decomposed.
"We got em'!" cheered Kunzite.
"Good work boys," said Queen Beryl.
They opened the cage.
"Now we can finally put this chapter behind us," she said happily.
They reached for Grandpa's skull to put on a trophy stand in their lair, but it was just a cut-out.
"…huh?" asked Queen Beryl.
Suddenly, Grandpa sprung out of the ground like a mole, and swung his fist, wiping out all four Shitennou.
He picked up Beryl and burnt her to a crisp in his bare palms.
He burrowed under the cage and went home.
"Man," said Beryl. "This is not the Negaverse's greatest week."
"You can say that again," agreed Jed, who had had two revives in a one week span.
"So," began Beryl. "Any more bright ideas?"
"I got one!" said Jed. "There's one thing that an old geezer like him can't refuse!"
Grandpa stepped outside to enjoy the morning air. He picked up the newspaper, but taped to the front cover was a map.
"Fountain of Youth?" he read out loud.
"Rei, I'm going on a conquest!" he called.
"Sure thing!" called Rei. "Just don't rape any little kids!"
"I can only promise to try!" replied Gramps.
He went over to the temple horse stable and hopped aboard a white steed.
He set off on his adventure, but first, he rode up to the local high school and picked up his comrade Melvin.
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "Let's go find that fountain!"
They galloped across the world, following the map across mountains and rivers. Finally, they hit the location.
"This is it," said Granpda, basking in its glory.
"Wait," said Beryl to Jadeite. "Why didn't we just give him a fake map?"
"Hey hey hey," insisted Jed. "The plan's not over yet!"
Grandpa dunked the Holy Chalice into the fountain and drunk a full glass of its water.
"Mmmmmm," he said.
The Shitennou waited.
"What gives?" asked Jadeite.
Grandpa didn't feel young yet, so he started drinking the fountain water by the gallon.
"WAAAA?!" cried Jadeite. "That water is supposed to be highly poisoned! I know, I poured the rat poisoning!"
"That's so weird," said Nephrite. "He's just drinking it like it's nothing!"
"You must have messed up," said Zoisite. "There's no way."
Melvin dipped a single finger in the fountain and put it in his mouth.
He dropped dead.
"Haha," said Grandpa. "More for me!"
Jadeite sprung out from his hiding spot. "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!" he yelled.
"FOOL!" shouted Grandpa. "I already am immortal! I drank from the real fountain of youth 3,000 years ago!"
Jadeite got mad that his plan didn't work. He threw a quick karate chop at lightning speed, even surpassing the power of Kunzite.
Grandpa absorbed the blow like it was trash. He flew up into the air. He shot fireballs from his gullet, knocking out the Shitennou one by one.
Queen Beryl tried to run, but he teleported in front of her and blasted her to bits.
"Mmmmmmm," said Grandpa.
"Well that was a flop," stated Kunzite.
"Well, what did you expect from Jadeite?" scoffed Zoisite. "We've all seen how his other plans worked."
"Hey!" said Jed. "I got energy from the gym plan! Besides, I'm more of a power hitter than a schemer."
"Wait a minute," remembered Zoisite. "Nephrite, what's the name of that friend of yours? I think it started with an M…"
"Molly?" he asked.
"No no, the other one!"
"Melvin's not my friend!" shouted Nephrite.
"No, the other one!"
"Mayo?"
"Yeah, yeah!"
They teleported to Setsuna Meiyo, AKA Sailor Pluto.
"Mayoooooooo!" shouted Nephrite.
"Dead Scream!" she shouted in return. Jadeite took the hit, unintentionally.
"Ayyyyyy, stop beating up my coworkers!" yelled Nephrite. "You know who I am!"
"Alright, you got me," said Mayo. "Why are you here?"
"Yeah, why are we here?" asked Nephrite.
"Mayo," began Zoisite.
"Watch it," said Mayo. "Only my friends call me Mayo."
"Huh?" said Zoisite. "Anyway, we need to use your Time Gate to go back in time and kill Grandpa's father so he is never born.
"I don't know," said Setsuna Meiyo. "Every time you go back in time it messes stuff up."
"If you don't let us go," began Nephrite. "I'll mess YOUUU up!'
"Try me, buddy!" yelled Mayo.
"You heard her, Jadeite!" said Nephrite, pushing Jadeite towards Meiyo.
"Huh?" said Jadeite.
Setsuna Meiyo smacked Jadeite with her staff. "You want more of that?!"
"No!" yelled Jadeite.
"Ok!" said Meiyo, slugging him.
"Stahhahpaahp!"
"Quick!" said Nephrite. "While she's distracted!"
They all made a break for the Time Gate.
"Hey! Get back here!" yelled Mayo, chasing after them.
Jadeite quickly scurried to his feet and ran towards the pack.
"She's gaining on us!" cried Beryl.
"I know how to stop her," said Nephrite.
He stuck his foot out and tripped her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sailor Pluto cried as they jumped in the gate.
Jadeite went to leap in too but she grabbed onto his foot.
"I have no friends here in the Time Gate. Don't leave me!" she begged.
"Uhhhh…" said Jadeite. "Look over there, freedom!"
"WHERE?!" cried Meiyo.
Jadeiet jumped in the gate.
"Dammit! Bamboozled again!" sobbed Mayo.
Will the Shitennou be able to take out Grandpa's father? And just who is Grandpa's father? He's never given a canon name in the manga, but we think we know who it must be. Find out next time on "The Shitennou take on Grandpa's Ancestors!"
