"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Good work Jed," said Queen Beryl.
Jadeite gushed and tears of joy formed in his eyes.
"You are dismissed," said Beryl.
"Thanks Queen, I will keep up the good work!" Jed promised, turning to walk away.
"No," said Beryl. "I don't think you understand. I said you are dismissed."
"Yes…" said Jadeite.
"FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!" Queen Beryl leaped out of her throne and threw a crystal, all the while yelling "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Beryl why!?" cried Jadeite. "You said I did good work!"
"Yes," said Queen Beryl. "You did. But you've simply expired. There's nothing I can do."
"You can stop trying to kill me!"
"Hmm," pondered Queen Beryl. "Nah. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she shouted, throwing another crystal.
It hit Jadeite, causing minor injuries.
"Ouch, ya got me!" said Jadeite, pretending to die.
"Another job well done," said Beryl to herself.
Jadeite teleported away, pretending to "dissolve."
Back in his room, he was shaken up. "That was a close one. Good thing I had my wits to keep me alive! Oh, that reminds me, I never told Beryl my new source!"
Jadeite teleported back to Queen Beryl.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Awesome!" said Beryl. "What is it?"
Jadeite opened his mouth.
"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!"
"SHIT!" cried Jadeite. He went to teleport away but Beryl sniped him down with a crystal.
As he died, he laughed to himself. "Silly me, always goofin' up!"
"Now," said Queen Beryl. "I'm going to have to look into how Jadeite instantly respawned like that."
"Heyyyyyyyyy Kunzite~!" said Zoisite.
"Heya," said Kunzite.
"What are you doing?" asked Zoisite.
"Oh you know, just polishing my Grammy," shrugged Kunzite.
"Cool!" said Zoisite. "Say, are you ever going to tell me how you got that?"
"That's a story for another day," said Kunzite.
"What other day though? I've been asking you since the Silver Millennium."
"You're too young," explained Kunzite. "One day you'll know."
"So anyway… are you busy?" Zoisite asked.
"Nah," said Kunzite. "I could polish this any day. What did you have in mind?"
"Let's go eat at a fancy restaurant!" said Zoisite. He leaned in and whispered in Kunzite's ear. "And dine and dash!"
"No!" cried Kunzite. "I can just spawn money! And food! And a restaurant!"
"But that's not beating the system!" cried Zoisite.
"What system?" asked Kunzite.
"THE system! Think about it. Here they are expecting us to pay waaaay over-priced for stuff that we can make or spawn ourselves! And then they want us to leave a tip?! A tip Kunzite, a tip!"
"I see what you're saying…" said Kunzite slowly.
"So you're in?"
Kunzite sighed. "I guess."
"More lobster!" called Zoisite.
"Are you sure?" asked Kunzite. "You haven't even touched the first three lobster dishes."
"Yes," said Zoisite. "It's because I already filled up on bread."
"Then why are you ordering more lobster?"
Zoisite leaned in closer. "Dining and dashing means that we will dine and then run without paying. The lobster is free."
"I know what it means."
Zoisite stuffed all the lobster in a doggy bag and teleported it back to the house. He giggled maniacally.
Kunzite finished his soup. "Alright, I think I'm done."
"Aren't you going to order dessert?" asked Zoisite.
"I don't know," said Kunzite. "The desserts are pretty expensive."
Zoisite leaned in. "We don't have to pay, remember?"
"I understand that, but…"
"Hey waiter!" called Zoisite. "Two large wedding cakes, one for each of us!"
At this point they had the attention of everyone in the restaurant.
Zoisite took one bite of the cake and threw the rest on the floor. "Mmmmm delicious. Kunzite, have some!"
Kunzite reached for Zoisite's cake.
"No!" cried Zoisite. "Eat your own! Mine's already ruined!"
"But maybe if I don't eat any of mine, I could give it back!" insisted Kunzite.
Zoisite took a big handful of Kunzite's cake and stuffed it in his mouth.
"The only good bite is the first bite!"
"I don't know about this," said Kunzite, after finally chewing the cake. "Everyone's looking at us, it's a bust!"
"That doesn't matter," exclaimed Zoisite. "I want them to watch us dine and dash!"
The waiter came over with the bill and laid it down.
Zoisite started bouncing up and down in his seat giddily.
"This is the best part!" he whispered.
Kunzite took a peak at the receipt and the color drained from his face. "That meal was… $4,233!"
"Wow, really?!" asked Zoisite. "That's a new record! We'll have to top that next time!"
Kunzite looked around nervously.
"Alright Kunzite, put on your jogging shoes! It's time for the best part of the meal, the dash!"
Kunzite nervously put on his running shoes.
"NOW!" screamed Zoisite.
He started heading towards the door quickly. Kunzite waited until Zoisite wasn't looking, and then layed down a check.
Zoisite turned around and caught him in the act.
"NO! KUNZITE! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
He dove at the table and grabbed the check, tearing it up. He leaned in to Kunzite.
"You're not supposed to pay them," he whispered.
"Yeah, but-" said Kunzite.
Zoisite grabbed his arm and ran towards the door.
"HEY!" yelled the waiter. "GET BACK HERE!"
"Oh boy a chase!" said Zoisite happily.
Kunzite started to cry. "Waaaaaaaa! Let's just teleport home quickly and forget this ever happened!"
"No!" cried Zoisite. "That's cheating!"
They sprinted down the street.
The waiter put on his jogging shoes as well. "I knew from the moment I saw that guy that he looked familiar. He dined and dashed from here twice this week!"
"Quick Kunzite, we have to parkour away!"
Zoisite leapt up and began leaping across buildings.
"But I'm full!" cried Kunzite. "My stomach hurts from all that food!"
"Your mistake was eating it!" said Zoisite. "You'll get better at this soon, I know you will."
Kunzite was now hopping across the buildings as well against his better judgement, but the waiter was on a hot pursuit.
"This one's determined!" called Zoisite. "Keep running!"
"Let's just pay!" cried Kunzite.
"NEEEEEEVVEERRRRR! We've come this far!"
The waiter chased them all the way to the Tokyo Bridge, and Zoisite and Kunzite leapt off.
As they hung onto the rail, they watched the waiter leap at them. He missed the rail, and fell to the water and died.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" laughed Zoisite. "What a goof!"
"That was kind of terrible," said Kunzite, traumatized. "We should have just paid!"
"But the action! The drama! The chase!"
"It's too extreme for me," said Kunzite. "Back in my day we paid for our meals and didn't make waiters jump off bridges."
"Hey now," said Zoisite. "We didn't make him chase us or jump off the bridge! I don't even know why he cared so much! He wasn't paying for the food, he was just a waiter. So in conclusion it was his fault."
"He must have been expecting a big tip," figured Kunzite.
"That's what I'm talking about! He was spoiled and now he's dead! He got his just desserts!"
"I don't feel very good," said Kunzite.
"Waaaaaaaat?" asked Zoisite. "You shouldn't have eaten anything. If you feel bad about that dead waiter, Metalia will bring him back soon."
"Zoisite, Metalia doesn't revive random humans," explained Kunzite.
"Are you sure? She revived Jadeite."
"Jadeite's a Shitennou."
Zoisite's eyes got huge. "You're kidding. Are you serious right now?!"
"You didn't know that?!"
"NO! I thought he was just some bad random human who hung around the Negaverse!"
"The only random human that hangs around the Negaverse is Grandpa," reminded Kunzite.
"Grandpa's not a human. He's some kind of lobster demon."
"That's true."
"But no way, I can't believe Jadeite's a Shitennou! Jadeite, of all people! Any of my Youmas are better than him!"
"Hey, we're still hanging from this bridge."
"Oh yeah," remembered Zoisite. "Let's teleport back."
The next day…
"Kunzite! A new fancy restaurant opened up! Just the appetizers alone cost $200 a serving! You know what we should go there and do?"
There was no response.
"Kunzite? Kunzite!"
Still no response.
"WE CAN DINE AND DASH," Zoisite whispered loudly, but no one replied.
"Hmm, I wonder where he went," Zoisite thought, searching the castle.
He passed the kitchen, and once Kunzite heard him walk by he stuck his head out of the fridge for a peak.
"Phew, that was close."
"Actually, since I hardly ate anything at the restaurant last night, I'm starving!" Zoisite turned around for the kitchen, and Kunzite quickly slammed the fridge.
Zoisite opened it up.
"Oh hey there," said Kunzite. "I was just looking for those left-overs!"
Zoisite gasped. "Were you hiding from me?!"
"Me?! Hide?! I am the great Lord Kunzite! I do not hide!"
"Alright, cool!" said Zoisite. "So ready to dine and dash?"
"Actually," said Kunzite. He teleported away.
"WHERE DID YOU GO!?"
But there was no response.
"I don't get it, I just don't get it!" exclaimed Zoisite out loud. "Which part of the dining and dashing did he not like!?
Zoisite thought for a moment. "Damn, it must have been the dining he didn't enjoy. It's all my fault for picking such a bad restaurant! But I'm sure he loved the dashing!"
"Yeah my Queen, so this is my favorite joint to hit!" Zoisite said as he and Beryl walked into Crown Parlor.
He put on a hat and mustache.
"What's that for?" asked Beryl.
"They know my face very well here," he explained.
"Ah," said Beryl. She sat down. "You know, I was surprised when you showed up and asked to take me out to dinner. I thought, 'It's Zoisite, he must be up to some trick!' But now I realize your intentions are genuine!"
"Yeeeahhhh," said Zoisite. "So just get anything on the menu that you want, no matter how expensive!"
"Oh goody!" said Beryl. "I wish Mamoru would treat me this fine. Or at least not try to kill me."
"D'awww," said Zoisite. "Brainwashing not going so well?"
"It appears not," said Queen Beryl. "I don't get how I hypnotized him to fall in love with me, but he still won't fall in love with me!"
"That's not how it works," said Zoisite. "You should find someone who loves you for you!"
"Hmm," thought Queen Beryl. "Jadeite loves me for me. But he's such a pest, and just a random human who hangs out in the Negaverse!"
"You think so too?! Kunzite was trying to tell me he was a Shitennou, but that didn't sound right! I wanted to believe him but it was just too crazy! And I figure since we work for you, you would definitely know if he was a Shitennou or not!"
"Oh yeah," said Queen Beryl. "There's no way."
"Here's your bill," said the waiter.
"Thanks," said Zoisite, nodding his head as Motoki's sister walked away.
He instantly ripped it up once she left.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!" laughed Zoisite, bouncing in his seat. "This is gonna be great! I hit this place once a day at least, it makes them so mad!"
"What do you mean?" asked Beryl. "Why did you tear up the bill?"
"SHHHHH," said Zoisite. "Get ready, I'm going to tell you a secret!"
"Hey," said Motoki's sister, running out of the kitchen with a spatula. "I could never mistake the sound of you tearing up my bills!"
"RUUUUUUUUUN!" hollered Zoisite.
Zoisite's legs quickly ran off without his body, but Zoisite's body soon caught up and hopped on his legs. He ran out the door.
Unfortunately though, Beryl wasn't so quick on her feet. She was caught halfway out the door.
Motoki's sister pummeled Beryl to a pulp and made her pay for each dollar in beatings.
"Hahahahhahaa, that was crazy, wasn't it?" asked Zoisite, turning around after 20 minutes of running. But Beryl wasn't by his side.
"Beryl?" he called. "Oh no."
2 days later, Zoisite returned to Beryl's throne room.
She was in a body cast.
"Hey Beryl me boy!" said Zoisite nervously. "You never thanked me for taking you out to dinner!"
Beryl was mad.
Zoisite let himself out. "She would have killed me if it wasn't for the body cast. So I guess overall it was a win, though we could have bought- I mean stole, more dessert."
"Yeah Nephrite, so this is my favorite joint to hit!" Zoisite said as he and Nephrite walked into Crown Parlor.
Zoisite put on a cowboy hat and a beard.
"What are you doing?" asked Nephrite.
"I'm going to dine and dash," said Zoisite.
"I wouldn't if I were you," said Nephrite. "Did you hear what happened to Beryl?"
"Er… not really…"
"Hmph," said Nephrite. "Well I'm not going along with your shenanigans."
"Pls!" insisted Zoisite. "Kunzite is a wuss, and Beryl's too slow! And Jadeite's just a random human, who failed me the last time."
"Nope," said Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton has a reputation that must be upheld. He won't tarnish his good name!"
"Then wear a disguise other than Maxfield Stanton."
Nephrite stared up to the stars in shock. "A disguise… other than Maxfield Stanton…?!"
"Here," said Zoisite. "Take this hat and mustache I used earlier today. Wait a second, she'll recognize that! Swap accessories with me!"
Zoisite passed the beard and traded it with Nephrite's mustache.
"Perfect. I only have about five disguises but I swap around the different pieces to make new ones. Motoki's sister never catches on until it's too late!"
"Hrm," said Nephrite.
Motoki's sister watched with narrowed eyes through the window in the kitchen. "It's him again. Fool me a hundred times, shame on you. Fool me a hundred and one times, shame on me!"
When the chef looked away, Motoki's sister put 200lbs of poison in their food. She hand-delivered it to them personally.
"Here you go, strangers!" she said with an angry wink.
"Thanks!" said Zoisite, giggling maniacally and obviously. "Hahahha, we got her now!"
"Pardon?" asked Motoki's sister.
"Oh, I was just saying what a big tip I'll leave!" said Zoisite.
"Huhuhu," laughed Motoki's sister. "I've got em now!"
She left and waited.
"Zoisite, aren't you going to eat anything?" Nephrite asked.
"Nah, I filled up on water. I might take a few select bites home in a doggy bag, but right now I'm not feeling it."
"Hmm," said Nephrite digging in.
Motoki's sister grinded her teeth in the window. "Eat a bite, dammit!" she thought to herself. "At least his accomplice will die…"
Nephrite finished the meal. "mmmm," he said.
She waited but he didn't die.
Nephrite burped. "Whelp, time for dessert!"
"WHAT!?" cried Motoki's sister. "HOW DID HE NOT DIE!? He must not be human!"
Motoki's sister was panicking. "Not another chase," she told herself. "Not again!"
It was time to take drastic measures.
She put a bomb in their molten chocolate lava cake.
"As soon as they put a fork in, this thing will blow them off the map!"
She delivered the cake. "Enjoy!" she said, and then ran for cover.
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I'm kind of full. How about you?"
"Still full from water. Let's just throw it on the floor!"
But then Zoisite thought for a moment. "Nephrite's going to think I'm lame and never dine and dash again if I do something that boring. I have to top my most recent dine and dash by concluding this one epically!"
He put the cake back on the table. "Instead of throwing it on the floor, let's throw it at the waiter! Then she'll be sure to chase us when we dash!"
"But I thought the whole point was to sneak out?" asked Nephrite.
"It used to be, but it's time to take it to the next level!"
Zoisite threw the cake at the waiter.
Motoki's sister knew she was finished. She was blown to pieces.
"RUUUUUUN!" cried Zoisite.
"Wait, I think you just killed her!" cried Nephrite.
"Good," said Zoisite. "Quick, go get the manager! He can chase us instead!"
"I'm calling the police!" said Nephrite.
"WHAT?!" screamed Zoisite.
Nephrite turned into the law abiding Maxfield Stanton and called the police. "We have a maniac on our hands."
"Why is your alter ego a crime fighter?!" exclaimed Zoisite. "You need help!"
"We'll be there in a minute," said the police.
"Fine, fine," decided Zoisite. "This is different than the traditional dine and dash chase, but I guess we'll have to make do!"
Zoisite waited for the cops to show up and then fled.
"WEEEEE!" he yelled as he fled. "I FEEL EVIL!"
Nephrite went home and locked his door. "Never again," said Nephrite.
"Hmph," said Zoisite the next day. "I have found that bringing others to dine and dash with me has only brought me down. Imagine what I could accomplish without that dead weight! It's time to dine and dash in every restaurant in Tokyo! HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAAHA!"
Zoisite went to grab a costume. "Oh no!" he cried. "Has it really happened, so soon? I used all 25 of my hat/facial hair combinations?! I need to find another costume!"
Zoisite looked in his closet.
"I could dine and dash in my regular Shitennou outfit, but they might not serve me to begin with. I could wear Kunzite's outfit… oh wait it's the same thing. If only I had another canon outfit…"
Zoisite spotted something he hadn't tried yet. "Yes, this will be perfect!"
Sailor Moon entered the Crown Parlor. "Hey Motoki," she said. "Why aren't you at the arcade?"
"Well, after the death of my sister, I had to take over here. The arcade is now only open from 12am to 12pm, and then I come over here."
"Then when do you sleep?"
"I don't," said Motoki.
"I see," said Sailor Moon. "So can I get a French fry?"
"No," said Motoki. "You still haven't paid for your last meal!"
"W-w-w-w-w-what do you mean?!" cried Sailor Moon.
"You just dine and dashed from my restaurant like 20 minutes ago, don't play dumb with me!"
"It wasn't me!" insisted Sailor Moon.
"Yeah right," said Motoki. "No one else could make a costume similar to yours, so it had to be you!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Sailor Moon. "I JUST WANT FRIES! WHY CRUEL WORLD, WHY?!"
Sailor Moon moped over to the next restaurant. "This place will never be as good as Crown, but I guess I have no choice."
She stepped inside.
"There she is!" cried the waiter. "That fiend that dined and dashed from here a couple of days ago!"
"WHAT!?" cried Sailor Moon. "I have never, nor will I ever, dine and dash!"
They chased her away and locked the door to the restaurant.
"What's going on?!"
She continued down the street, and stopped when she passed a TV display.
"Breaking news! Former crime fighter and hero has gone rogue! Be on the lookout for Sailor Moon, the devious criminal who has been dining and dashing from every restaurant in town!"
"I knew it!" cried Luna. "She's a monster!"
"LUNA!" shouted Sailor Moon. "How could you?!"
"I mean… there must be some kind of misunderstanding!" said Luna.
"Hey," whispered Jadeite. He was in his cloak, hat, and shady sunglasses.
"Jadeite!" cried Sailor Moon and Luna.
"Who's Jadeite?" asked Jadeite. "I'm Jed. I have a secret to tell you."
"What is it?"
"I shouldn't be doing this, but as of lately my coworker Zoisite has been spreading rumors that I'm just some random human. It pains to betray the Negaverse, but he is the one stealing your identity!"
"But… aren't you just some random human?" asked Luna.
"No, I'm a Shitennou, just like the others!"
"Not like Kunzite though, right?" Sailor Moon asked.
"Exactly like Kunzite! We're on the same team!"
Sailor Moon and Luna looked at each other. "No way."
"You… you think I'm just a random human too?!"
"Yes," they both said.
"Fine then!" howled Jadeite. "You would rather never eat at a restaurant again than acknowledge me as being just as good as the others?!"
"Yes," said Sailor Moon.
"Fine then!" repeated Jadeite. "So long!"
Jadeite flew away. The end.
