"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Step aside, Jadeite. This is no time to play," barked Beryl. "Kunzite, Zoisite, report what you have found out!"

"Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "It appears that Nephrite is drinking on the job again. He needs to be put down."

"I agree with this factual statement," added Kunzite.

"No, no!" screamed Beryl. "Tell me what you found out about the Moon Princess!"

"The who?" asked Kunzite. "Oh, oh yeah. It appears that the Moon Princess holds the Silver Crystal."

"Hmm, hmm hmm," said Beryl.

"Wait a minute," interrupted Jadeite. "I'm a little out of the loop here. Is the Moon Princess Sailor Moon?"

"No, don't be ridiculous!" sneered Beryl. "If you don't have anything smart to say then don't say anything!"

Kunzite let out a hardy laugh.

"Actually my queen," said Zoisite. "That's what I found out. Sailor Moon is indeed the Moon Princess! I saw her transform myself! And then she threw me into a pole!"

"HAHAHAHAHHA GET REKT!" laughed Beryl. "Oh, but yes. This is important information. If only we knew Sailor Moon's true identity."

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "I know Sailor Moon's identity!"

"Do you want to sleep eternally?" asked Beryl.

"But Beryl!"

"Do you?!" she shouted.

"No ma'am," said Jadeite.

"Then get out of my sight," said Beryl. "Now, to figure out Sailor Moon's identity."


Jadeite went home in a huff.

"I just don't get it," he sighed. "I have important info, but no one seems to care. If only I could piece this mess together myself, I could get the Silver Crystal and redeem my past blunders!"

Jadeite went to the drawing board.

He performed intense calculations for four hours. "I'm so close to cracking this!" he hollered.

Finally, he wrote on his chalkboard, "Usagi Tsukino - Sailor Moon - Moon Princess - ?"

"What is the missing link!?" cried Jed.

Suddenly a light bulb flashed over his head, and he realized it was the Silver Crystal.

"Usagi Tsukino has the Silver Crystal!" he exclaimed. "I must tell Queen Beryl!"

But then he stopped. "No Jadeite," he told himself. "You have a backbone. It's time to use it!"

Jadeite took off in a mad sprint and ran all the way to Tokyo from the North Pole.


"That Nephrite is a bad guy!" said Usagi.

"No way!" said Molly. "He has cool hair and a swagalicious car!"

"That's irrelevant!" cried Usagi.

Jadeite sat in the bushes with binoculars. "I've got her now! But for safe measures, I better spy on her for a few more days. MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's just weird," said Kunzite. "Stalking a 16 year old? How old are you again, Jed?"

"Well the manga itself doesn't exactly- hey wait a second!" hollered Jadeite. "What are you doing here?!"

"We're looking for Sailor Moon's true identity," explained Nephrite. "Have any leads?"

"No," lied Jadeite.

"So are you just stalking little girls for fun?" asked Zoisite. "Typical Jadeite, I always knew he was a pervert!"

"No I'm not!" cried Jadeite.

"Then what are you doing?" Kunzite asked.

Jadeite looked down. He could not reveal his true motives to the others and let them steal all his glory. "None of your business," he said finally.

"You make me sick," said Nephrite.

"Hey Nephrite, isn't she the same age as your girlfriend?" taunted Zoisite.

"Do you want to go to Slug City?" asked Nephrite.

"Ye," said Zoisite because Kunzite was there.

"Hmph," decided Nephrite. "You're not worth my time."

"How long are ya gonna stalk her, Jeddy?" Kunzite asked.

"Go awaaaaaaaaaay!" Jadeite sobbed.

They didn't go away.

"Fine then," said Jadeite. "I'll just carry on with my life, you losers should get day jobs!"

Everyone laughed as Jadeite climbed out of the bush.

"Hmm," he said as Usagi and Molly walked into Crown Arcade.

"This seems to be a recurring setting," Jed contemplated.

"Hey guys!" said Motoki.

"Hello, buddy!" said Usagi.

"Yes, yes!" cried Jadeite looking through the window. "This is perfect! I could easily pass as that guy, especially to people viewing the show for the first time!"

Jadeite walked into Crown Arcade. He waited a moment, and then approached the counter.

"Hello kind sir," said Jadeite.

"Howdy!" said Motoki.

"That game seems to have taken my quarter," said Jadeite. "Mind coming over here and fixing it?"

"My pleasure!" said Motoki.

He followed Jed around the corner.

2 and a half minutes later, Jed emerged in Motoki's outfit.

"This is the perfect disguise. They won't have their guard up around me, and then I can just nab the crystal from her pocket when she looks away!"

"Motokiiiiiii-chan!" cried Motoki's sister, running into the arcade. "It's your turn to work the restaurant, bro!"

"What? But I-"

She cut Jed off and dragged him to Crown Parlor. She sat him at the register. "I'll be back in a few hours! Thanks bro!"

"No problem sis!" said Jadeite as he watched her leave.

"Wait a minute. Why am I being so nice?"

Jed left and went back to the arcade. "Hmm," he said. "Now time to get that crystal!"

"Do you have change for a 20?" asked a customer.

He turned to see who it was.

"OH MY GOSH!" exclaimed Nephrite. "JADEITE!?"

"No, it's me Motoki!" said Jadeite.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite. "What are you doing, Jed?! Did you get a day job to earn Earth money?! WAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!"

He called up Zoisite and Kunzite on the phone. "You guys gotta see this, come over here at once!"

They teleported in.

"IS THAT JADEITE?!" cried Zoisite. "HE HAS A JOB?! AN EARTH JOB?!"

"Yep," laughed Nephrite. "I didn't believe it at first, but it's true! He even made up some goofy name for his Earth persona! What kind of loser does that?!"

"Umm~" said Zoisite looking at Nephrite accusingly.

"Go away!" whined Jadeite. "You're going to blow my cover!"

"What cover?" asked Nephrite.

"Yeah, what cover?" asked Kunzite.

"Did I say cover? I meant chances of becoming manager! Yeah, because you guys are making me look bad in front of my boss! Please leave!"

"How do you confuse 'cover' with 'chances of becoming manager?'" asked Zoisite.

"WAAAA!" screamed Jadeite.

He went outside to get some fresh air.

"Hey Motoki, boyo!" said Mamoru Chiba.

"Chiba!" shouted Jadeite.

"Hey Motoki, boyo, wanna go shoot some hoops?"

"Are you… are you friends with me?" asked Jadeite sourly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Mamoru. "I'd recognize my best friend Motoki anywhere!"

"Dang," said Jadeite. "Then let's go shoot those hoops, I guess!"

Jadeite went with Mamoru down to the B-ball court.

"Ok, I'll start!" said Mamoru. He started dribbling the ball.

"This'll be a piece of cake!" said Jed, getting in his defensive stance.

But Mamoru Chiba zoomed past him, and dunked one in.

"NO!" screamed Jadeite. "I wasn't ready!"

"Sure," scoffed Mamoru. "You can start this time, Motoki!"

"Ok," said Jadeite. He started dribbling, but Mamoru swiped the ball right out of his hand like taking candy from a baby. He then dunked another one in.

"Geez, Motoki!" laughed Mamoru. "Why are you playing so bad today? You're usually a lot better than this!"

"Ok, that's it!" yelled Jadeite. "I'll show you what I'm made of!"

Mamoru started dribbling towards the hoop once again. Jadeite was hot on pursuit, but he knew he wasn't quick enough to catch up.

Mamoru leaped into the air to dunk the ball.

Jadeite wouldn't stand for it.

He flew up into the air behind Mamoru, who turned around in shock.

Jadeite shot lightning, and he and Mamoru spun around each other in circles.

Finally, in a single frame of animation, Jadeite tackled Mamoru into the ocean that was right next to the court.

"Noooooooo!" cried Mamoru as he drowned. "Penalty~~~~~!"

Mamoru died.

Jadeite went back to the arcade.

"Shit, I hope they haven't gone home yet!"

He dashed indoors, but accidentally smacked into an elderly man.

"Hey, get out of my way old coot!" shouted Jadeite.

But then he looked up and examined the senior more closeely. All the color drained from his face.

"I was just kidding, Gramps!" cried Jadeite. "I promise!"

Rei's Grandpa let out a hardy laugh. "I forgive you, JJ!" he said, patting Jadeite on the shoulder.

"Phew," sighed Jadeite. "That could have ended badly."

He sat back down at the front desk. "Now, to-"

Suddenly, Grandpa ran up and drop-kicked Jadeite. He flew into the ball pit.

Jadeite quickly dived down so that he wouldn't be seen.

When he reached the bottom, he stepped on something squishy.

"Eww, what's this?"

He looked to see what his foot was on. It was Grandpa's face.

Grandpa opened his mouth wide and started gobbling up Jadeite' foot.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. Grandpa sucked him in. He gasped for air, but was not able to gather enough oxygen. He passed out.


"Where… where am I?" asked Jadeite.

He looked at a map that was conveniently placed by his bedside.

"You are here," it said.

He put on his reading glasses to see exactly what "here" was.

"OH MY GOSH!" he cried. "I'm inside Grandpa's stomach!"

The map turned out to be an X-ray of Grandpa.

"This looks like the end," said Jed, as the stomach acid closed in on him.

"Wait!" remembered Jadeite at the last second. He reached in his pocket and found his trusty bottle of pepper spray.

"I bought this after the last time Beryl tried to kill me. Just in case!"

He sprayed the pepper spray everywhere.

"Uh oh," said Grandpa as his nose started to tingle. "A…A….A…CHOOOOOOO!" he cried.

Jadeite shot out of Grandpa and back into the ball pit.

"This ends now," said Jadeite.

He took a ball and fired it rapidly into Grandpa's open gullet.

Granpda started to choke.

That's when Jadeite finished him off with a rapid kick.

He emerged from the ball pit victorious.

"Time to go home," he said in success. "Shit, wait."

He turned to see Usagi playing the Sailor V game.

"Now's my chance!"

Jadeite creeped over to her.

"Jadeite!" cried Zoisite. "Nephrite's stuck in the basketball hoop again!"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Jadeite. "My arcade could have a law suit on its hands! Wait a minute,"

But it was too late. Jadeite was dragged to the basketball hoop.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" cried Nephrite. "I'm claustrophobic!"

Kunzite was standing there with a stick of butter, trying to get Nephrite out.

"It's not working Mermaid Man!" Kunzite exclaimed.

"I don't have time for this!" shouted Jadeite.

"Why not?" asked Zoisite. "Isn't this your job? What else do you have to do?"

Jadeite was mad. "Your mom," he said angrily.

Tears started to drip down Zoisite's face. Zoisite ran away crying.

"Now look what you've done!" yelled Kunzite. "Baby, come back! He didn't mean it!" He chased after Zoisite.

Jadeite was getting steamed. He let out a loud groan. He picked up a chair and threw it, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Woah!" said Nephrite still in the net. "Calm down there young one."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. He flung the change machine at Nephrite, and Nephrite teleported out of the net to dodge.

"Oh yeah," remembered Nephrite. "Thanks Jadeite, I owe ya one!"

Jadeite threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

The punch breezed past Nephrite, who had stepped slightly out of the way.

"Jadeite, do I need to get your manager?" asked Nephrite.

Jed threw another punch but it had the same result.

"That's what I thought," said Nephrite. "I'll make sure to rate my customer service as one star on Yelp!"

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

Nephrite stormed off to the Nega-computer lounge to give the Crown Arcade a piece of his mind.

Jadeite sighed as he sat down at the register. "Wait a minute, all those nuisances are gone! Time to get what I came here for!"

"Bye Motoki!" said Usagi as she walked out the door.

"Cya!" said Jadeite. "HEY WAIT A SECOND!"

Jadeite bolted after her. He was just about to reach her when he tripped over something insignificant.

"What the?!"

He looked at what he tripped on.

"HIDY HO!" said Melvin.

"WHY ARE YOU JUST LAYING HERE BY THE ENTRANCE?!" cried Jadeite.

"Sometimes I just like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage," answered Melvin.

"Awww," said Jadeite sadly. "Can I join you? Wait a second, I don't have time!"

Jadeite ran off.

"Hhahaha," laughed Melvin. "He didn't realize that I'm really only laying here to catch a glimpse up Molly's skirt when she walks out!"

"I heard that Molvin!" cried Molly. She beat him to a pulp and threw him off a bridge.

FIN