"Queen Buster!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"That's great, Jadeite. How about- hey wait a minute. Did you just call me Queen Buster?!"
"Ummm…" Jed made a break for it. He almost made it out, but he got smacked by the door as Nephrite walked in.
He fell to the ground in the shape of a pancake. "Yeeeeouch!"
"I don't have time to play around!" barked Nephrite. "Queen Beryl, I have an emergency!"
"What is it, Nephrite?"
"My parents are coming to visit!"
"You have parents!?" gasped Queen Beryl.
"I wish I had parents," said Jed.
"Had I known that Nephrite's parents were still around, he wouldn't have them either," explained Beryl.
"It's okay," said Jed. "Beryl, you're kind of like my mom, so it makes up for the fact that you killed my mom!"
"Do you want an eternal sleep, Jed?"
"She's so motherly," sighed Jadeite happily.
"So," continued Beryl. "Why exactly is this an emergency? It's not like we would embarrass you in front of your parents!"
"Yeah, you should be proud of us!" called Jed. "If I ever meet your mummy I'll tell her all about that one single time you got energy but then fell in a love with a human!"
"Can it!" called Beryl.
"Yeah, can it!" called Zoisite, teleporting in then. "What is this about Nephrite's parents? You mean they didn't kill themselves the day he was born?"
"Why would they- YOUUU!" yelled Nephrite.
"Huehuehue," laughed Zoisite. "So when are they coming? I want to tell them what a mistake you were!"
"They're coming in one hour, but you don't realize how bad it is!" cried Nephrite. "You see…"
Earlier that day, on the phone…
"Nephrite!" exclaimed Nephrite's mom. "I'm so glad you finally picked up! It's been 20 years!"
"Well actually," said Nephrite. "Molly said she was about to call me back, and…"
"Who's this Molly character?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"Oh… you know…" sputtered Nephrite. "Just my perfectly adult and non-minor girlfriend! Who's not human! And is a studmuffin!"
"That's great!" said Nephrite's mom. "Because for a second I thought you might be dating a fourteen-year-old human!"
"HAHAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite loudly. "What do you take me for!?"
"So, we haven't talked to you since you dropped out of college," recalled Nephrite's dad. "Why'd you drop out again?"
Nephrite quickly searched his brain for an excuse. "I can't tell them it was to join the Negaverse…"
"Hmmmmm?" insisted Nephrite's mom.
"I own a huge corporation!" howled Nephrite. "I saw the opportunity to start my own company, so I took it!"
"Wowee!" cried Nephrite's dad. "And here I was thinking you were a deadbeat drunk who had no chance of ever being as good as his twin brother Nephrake."
"I'm just as good as him!" yelled Nephrite. "No, better."
"Now let's not go too far, honey," said Nephrite's mom. "He's nimble enough to catch and eat a squirrel for four meals a day. Have you ever been able to catch and eat even one squirrel?"
"No mom," said Nephrite with his head down.
"Exactly," said Nephrite's mom.
"But," continued his dad. "You should show us around the corporation."
"I don't know about that!" howled Nephrite.
"No need to howl, honey," said his mom. "We'll be over in a couple hours to meet you, your girlfriend, and to see how successful you've been after making the terrible decision to drop out and throw all that tuition money we spent in the garbage!"
"But… but I!"
"You are successful, right?" his dad asked.
"Yes, yes!" Nephrite cried.
"Good, cya soon!"
His parents hung up.
"So that's what happened," concluded Nephrite.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Zoisite. "You're screwed! Where are you going to find someone who's not Molly to be your girlfriend?! Only a fourteen-year-old would ever want you!"
"There's Queen Beryl," suggested Jadeite.
"HEEEEEELLL NO!" said Beryl.
"That won't work," said Nephrite. "I told them my girlfriend was attractive."
Queen Beryl gasped.
"And also I said I had a maid. I told them the maid's name was Queen Beryl."
Queen Beryl gasped.
"Oooooooh, this is getting good!" said Zoisite.
Queen Beryl was enraged. "You don't expect me to play along with this, do you?!"
"Please!" cried Nephrite. "Remember that time I got one drop of energy?! You still owe me for that!"
"D'ah," said Beryl. "He's right."
"WHAT!?" screamed Zoisite. "I got you seven rainbow crystals, and how did you repay me?"
"You were asking for it," said Beryl. "I told you Chiba was off-limits."
"But Beryl, he's the enemy!"
"That's a subjective term, Zoisite. You have a lot to learn."
Zoisite sighed. "Then if you're going to help Nephrite, what will you do about his made-up non-Molly girlfriend?"
Queen Beryl stared at Zoisite. "You are the only other girl in the Negaverse."
"Hey, only in the dub!" cried Zoisite.
"That doesn't matter," said Beryl. "You're the next viable candidate."
"NEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" cried Zoisite. "Never! I will never pretend to be his girlfriend! I would rather die! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"What about all the Youmas?" asked Jadeite. "Aren't they like all girls for some reason?"
"You killed them all, remember?" asked Beryl.
"Now that you mention it, that does ring a bell, m'Queen."
"So there you have it," said Beryl.
"Oh, and I also lied and said I had a best friend named Jadeite, who was my business partner," added Nephrite.
"Saying I was your best friend was a lie?" sputtered Jadeite sadly.
"Yes," said Nephrite. "OH, and one more thing, I said I had a puppy named Kunzite!"
"This is an outrage!" cried Zoisite.
"Can it," said Beryl. "I owe him for that one small drop of energy. There's nothing we can do."
Kunzite teleported in. "Hey boys. What's all the hub-bub?"
"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "They want you to be a dog! And Nephrite wants to go out with me!"
"That's not quite the case," began Nephrite quickly.
Kunzite pulled out his blade of fury. "It is now that we settle this once and for all!"
"No!" said Beryl. "He gave me one energy once!"
"RAAAH!" yelled Kunzite. "First Mamoru, now this clown? Who CAN I kill!?"
"Jadeite," answered Beryl.
"D'ah, ok," sighed Kunzite.
"Hey, let's think about this for a moment!" cried Jadeite.
Kunzite charged.
"Wowee, that was a smacking!" said Jadeite.
"There's no time for this!" barked Nephrite. "We have to disguise this place as an office!"
"Count on me!" volunteered Jadeite.
"No thank you," said Nephrite.
"How about I just spawn an office building?" asked Kunzite.
"Ok, but it has to be in the North Pole. Also put your costume on!"
Kunzite grumbled out the door.
"That goes for the rest of you!" yelled Nephrite. "My parents will be here in five minutes! Beryl, put on that maid dress!"
Queen Beryl was stumped.
"What's going on?" asked Nephrite.
"How do I put it on while sitting in my throne?" Beryl asked.
"You're going to have to get off the throne, my queen."
"Get off… the throne?"
"Yes."
"That's absurd!"
"Come on Queen Beryl!" whined Nephrite. "I did that one thing once!"
"No, you don't understand. It's not that I don't want to get off the throne, I physically can't! My knees have given out!"
"Yikes," said Jadeite. "We need to improvise!"
"Shit, what to do… what to do!?"
Nephrite paced around. "I've got it!"
He put two wheels on Beryl's throne. "Tadaaa! You're a handicapped maid now! Not very efficient, but I'm a good person for employing you!"
Beryl glared at him angrily.
"What about me?" asked Jadeite. "How will I look like a business man?! I don't have a degree!"
"That doesn't matter," said Nephrite. "Put this tux on!"
"WOOOOOAH!" said Jed. "I haven't worn one of these since Nega-prom!"
"I have a problem," said Zoisite. "I have no idea how I would get myself to look like a girl! It's too hard!"
Nephrite shoved a dress on him. "There."
"Nice work," said Beryl.
"Now does Kunzite have his pup costume on yet?" asked Nephrite.
Kunzite walked in.
"Hey, on all fours!" howled Nephrite.
"I am a lord!" howled Kunzite. "I will not, nor will I ever…!"
Nephrite karate chopped him and he fell.
"No!" cried Kunzite. "This costume is suppressing my power!"
There was a loud knock on the door.
"PLACES EVERYONE!" screamed Nephrite.
Nephrite's parents walked into the office building. They were average-looking.
Mamoru Chiba was sitting at the desk. "How can I help you?" he asked. "Do you have an appointment?"
"Not technically an appointment…" said Nephy's dad.
"Then I can't let you in," said Chiba.
"Listen, we're here to see our son!"
"That's too bad," said Mamoru.
"Endymion," said Nephrite on his headset. "Why are you being such a douche?"
"I'm trying be legit!" said Mamoru. "And also I'm not very evil anymore. So I get to be mean to everyone and sabotage."
"Beryl really needs to re-hypnotize you," said Nephrite.
"Same goes for you!" shouted Mamoru.
While Mamoru was fighting, Nephrite's parents slipped by and hopped in the elevator.
"If our son is CEO, then he should be on the top floor!" concluded his parents.
"Now drop the elevator!" yelled Zoisite.
"We're not trying to kill them," said Nephrite.
"Why not? It would solve your problems!"
Nephrite was strongly considering it, when the elevator door opened.
"NEEEEPHHHRIIIITE!" cried Nephrite's mom. "My second favorite child! How have you been!?"
"You only have two children," frowned Nephrite.
"Ye!" said his mom. "But look how successful you are! Now if you only you ate squirrels like your brother!"
"Hmm," said Nephrite.
Nephrite's dad leaned in and took a whiff. "Mmm, you don't smell like alcohol at all!"
"That's because he took five showers," said Zoisite.
Nephrite slugged him.
"WAAAA! Domestic violence!" cried Zoisite.
Nephrite's dad gave Nephrite a dirty look.
"So, aren't you going to introduce us to your clearly female girlfriend?" asked Nephrite's mom.
"This is…" began Nephrite. "Uhhh…. Zoey!"
"Pleasure to meet you!" said Nephrite's mom.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Come sit down and have a cup of tea, parents!"
"Wow, you've come far!" said Nephrite's dad. "Being able to afford tea, yeehaw!"
"The tea should be here any minute!" said Nephrite, looking around awkwardly.
Finally he stood up. "Dammit Beryl," he muttered under his breath.
"Hrmm, I'm going to go fetch my maid, Zoisite, keep my parents occupied!"
"What!?" cried Zoisite. Nephrite left the room.
"So," said Zoisite.
"How did you and our son meet?" asked Nephrite's mom.
"Well," began Zoisite. "I've known him for some time. You see, one day, I was taking a walk down an alley. I passed a large dumpster. Suddenly, I heard crying. In a moment of curiosity, I checked in the dumpster, and there was Nephrite. He was nude and eating scraps. I took pity on him, and invited him into my mansion to clean off because he smelled awful. We hit it off, and we've been together ever since!"
"Oh goodness," said Nephrite's mom. "Why was he in the dumpster?"
"Beats me," said Zoisite. "He's an eccentric person."
"Hrmmm," said Nephrite's dad. "Has he… popped the question yet?"
"No, he said he's terrified of commitment and doesn't deserve a girl like me. Also he said he's a loser and doesn't know why Queen Beryl puts up with him!"
"Who?" asked Nephrite's mom.
"His… his maid! Even the maid's too good for him!"
Nephrite returned 20 minutes later, dragging Beryl who had reluctantly made tea.
Zoisite was twiddling his thumbs. "About time you returned, HONEY!"
"Heh heh," said Nephrite nervously. "I hope you didn't tell my parents anything too ridiculous!"
Nephrite's parents glared at him.
"Son, why were you living in a dumpster?" asked Nephrite's mom.
"Son, why were you addicted to crack for 20 years?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"Ahhhh, Zoisite, that jokester!" laughed Nephrite angrily.
"Here is your tea," said Maid Beryl. She passed them all tea.
"Hey, that's Nephrite-sama to you!" said Nephrite.
"Don't push it," said Beryl.
"Ugh, this tea is awful!" cried Nephrite's mom. She chucked it at Queen Beryl.
"RAAAAAAAA!" howled Beryl. "I'll do to you what I did to Jadeite's parents!"
She spawned a huge crystal, and yelled "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Nephrite had to put her down temporarily.
"Excuse her… she's still in training!" cried Nephrite.
"Bark bark," said Kunzite, in a normal tone, walking in on two feet.
"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "It's terrible! Get me away from these losers!"
"Nephrite, why does your girlfriend like the dog more than you?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"He doesn't! I mean she doesn't! I mean, that dog might need to be put down."
"Oh no!" cried Nephrite's mom. "Is he sick?"
"Yes," said Nephrite.
"Go to Hell," said Kunzite.
"See what I mean?" said Nephrite. "He's forgotten how to act like a dog! Look, he's standing on two feet and speaking like a person! Silly Biscuit!"
Kunzite started growling.
"Easy boy," said Nephrite.
"Heya, Nephbo!" howled Jadeite, marching in like a wildman.
"Now who is this strange feller?" asked Nephrite's mom.
"This is my business partner, Jadeite!"
"You can call me Jed-kun," said Jadeite.
"No," said Nephrite's dad. "So you share the business with our son?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "However, I own 51%, and your son only owns 49%."
"REALLY NOW?!" demanded Nephrite's dad. "Nephrake owns 100% of HIS business!"
"Everything is about Nephrake!" cried Nephrite. "Can't you love me for me!?"
"No," said Nephrite's dad. "Next you're going to tell us you work for some evil organization and do poorly at your job! Maybe your girlfriend, dog, and business partner even work there too! And the maid's the boss of all of you!"
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!" screamed Nephrite.
"Mama! Papa!" cried some stranger, hopping out of the elevator.
It was none other than Grandpa.
"Oh no," said Nephrite.
"Now who is this?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"I've never seen this man before in my life," said Nephrite.
"What are you talking about?" asked Grandpa. "I'm your son!"
Zoisite gasped. "WHAT!? You had a baby, with another woman!?"
"NO!" cried Nephrite.
"HOW COULD YOU!?"
"You knocked up your girlfriend before marriage?!" cried Nephrite's mom.
"She's not his girlfriend! I'm his girlfriend! What is this!?" cried Zoisite.
"You're cheating on your girlfriend, and you got the other woman pregnant?!" gasped Grandpa.
"GRANDPA, SHUT UP!" howled Nephrite.
"GRANDPA!?" cried Nephrite's parents.
Nephrite started foaming at the mouth.
"It's okay, buddy," said Jadeite. "At least I'm still your friend!"
"I have never bean your friend, nor you mine!" howled Nephrite.
Jadeite, and Nephrite's parents gasped.
"That's no way to talk to the guy who owns the majority of your business!" exclaimed Nephrite's mom.
"Yeah, I'll fire you!" threatened Jadeite.
Nephrite punched him in the throat.
"My little boy's become a delinquent!"
"Waaaaaa!" Zoisite continued to cry. "I thought what we had was special!"
"There there," said Nephrite's dog. "You were too good for him."
"You're right!" agreed Zoisite. "I'm staying with you from now on!"
"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!" laughed a voice from outside the window. "Nephrite's girlfriend left him for a dog!"
"WHO ARE YOU?!" howled Nephrite.
"It is I, your older and more successful twin, Nephrake."
Nephrite howled like a hyena, and then leapt out the window to tackle Nephrake.
But Nephrake embodied the essence of a flying squirrel. He glided away from Nephrite's charge, sending him flying to the ground with a thud.
Nephrake stepped inside.
"Hello, parents!"
"Oh Nephrake, it's terrible! Have you seen what's become of your brother?!"
"Honestly," said Nephrake. "I don't really see him as a brother anymore."
At that moment, Beryl awoke from her slumber.
"I'LL KEEEEEEL YOU NEPHRITE!" she howled.
"Calm down," said Nephrite's dog. "There's too many witnesses."
The elevator door opened once more.
Nephrite's secretary, Mamoru Chiba, marched in. "Umm, is Nephrite here? I just wanted to ask him when I'm getting my paycheck. I haven't gotten one since I started working here, and…"
"When did you start working here?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"Two years ago."
Nephrite's parents gasped again. "We need to put him in a looney bin!" cried his mom. "It's for his own good!"
Everyone ran outside to where Nephrite lay in a crater.
He tried to run, but Grandpa lassoed him like a bull and hauled him in.
"Why are we all teaming up on Nephrite?" asked Jadeite.
"Because he made us do this stupid act," said Kunzite.
"And because he's a loser," added Zoisite.
"Very well," said Jadeite. "I can't have someone who owns a portion of my company acting like such a loon."
"WAIIIIIIIT!" screamed Nephrite. "I can explain!"
"Hmph," said Nephrite's dad.
"This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm not actually a successful business owner."
"Hmph," said Nephrite's dad.
"In fact, I'm not successful at all! I work at an evil organization, and I don't do very well. Jadeite is not my business partner, or my friend."
Jadeite gasped.
"He's just some lower ranking minion at the organization. And Zoisite is not my girlfriend. He's actually a boy, and he is my nemesis. And Kunzite, sadly, is not my pooch. He's Queen Beryl's pooch."
Kunzite charged him.
"AHAHHH!" cried Nephrite. "WILD ANIMAL ATTACK! CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!"
Queen Beryl tried to hold Kunzite back. "You don't need to kill him," Beryl insisted. "His parents will do it for you."
"Oh, and Queen Beryl is not my maid," said Nephrite. "She is my queen. And I don't like her very much."
"I don't like YOUUUUUUUUUU!" cried Beryl.
"I don't know what to say," said Nephrite's mom. "You didn't have to go through all of this just to make us like you."
"…Really?" asked Nephrite.
"Yes. Because we still wouldn't have liked you. Next time, practice eating squirrels instead of doing this crap."
"Wa—a-a-aa-a-a?!" gasped Nephrite.
"Wait, then who's your bastard son?" asked Nephrite's dad.
"He's just some weirdo," answered Nephrite.
"And I'm…" began Mamoru Chiba. "Mamoru Chiba, sworn foe of Nephrite's organization!"
"You're a hunkster," said Nephrite's mom. "Here's 1 million dollars. Finish those losers off for good."
"Gee thanks!" said Mamoru. He flew away with the money and made no efforts to get rid of the Negaverse.
"Golly Nephrite, I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I don't know why I was randomly a douche."
"It's okay," sighed Nephrite. "I don't need their approval to know I'm doing the right thing!"
"Yes, you're doing the right thing by being evil," sneered Beryl. "Dumbo."
"Beryl, don't make me dispose of you," threatened Nephrite.
"Don't make me dispose of YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" screamed Beryl.
Nephrite called her bluff and ignored her.
"Nephrite, I'm sorry I didn't play the part of your dog well," said Kunzite.
"Wow, thanks. I didn't expect you to be the bigger man and apologize, but since you did, I'll-"
Kunzite charged him like a wolf. He chewed him up and spit him out.
"Hey," said Zoisite.
"Hmph," said Nephrite. "Are you going to fake apologize and then tackle me as well?"
"Well, I was…" said Zoisite. "But I can understand what you're going through. My parents didn't approve of my decisions either. I let it affect me for a long time, too. I spent years trying to earn their favor, only to be met by more disappointment the harder I tried. As I got older, I realized that what they think isn't important. You are who you are, and if your parents can't accept that then it's their loss."
"Really?" asked Nephrite.
"Lolno."
"Dah," said Nephrite. "Bamboozled again."
"All's well that ends well," said Grandpa.
"Grandpa, get out of the Negaverse!" screamed Beryl.
"Alright, ALRIGHT!"
FIN
