"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Jadeite examined himself in the mirror. "Hmm, that's not right. I need more emphasis on the 'energy!'"
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite again. "I found a new source of ENERGY!"
"Nah that was too forced. How about if I distribute the emphasis throughout?"
"Queen BERYL!" yelled Jadeite. "I FOUND a NEW source OF energy!"
Nephrite entered with his face covered in shaving cream. "Jed, stop hogging the mirror!"
"Oops," said Jed.
"What are you doing in here anyway?"
"I was rehearsing!" explained Jed. "I have to sound just right when I present my new source of energy to Beryl!"
"Do you even have a new source of energy?" asked Nephrite.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Don't worry, it will come to me! Most of the time I just say random things and figure it out later!"
"Hmph," said Nephrite.
"Well cya," said Jadeite, prancing outside the room.
"Break a leg," called Nephrite.
Jadeite fell. "OWWWWWWW WHY?!"
"AHahahaahaha," laughed Nephrite.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I…. ummm….. aww shit! I practiced, I swear! Uhhh…"
"That's it," said Beryl. "Have some warm milk."
"Ok," said Jed. He guzzled down the warm milk. "What was that for?" he asked.
"I just wanted to make sure you could sleep FOREVER!" she howled.
"D'ah, I walked right into that," realized Jed. "No Beryl, pls!"
"Give me one good reason I should spare you," said Beryl.
"Well," said Jadeite. "There's only four Shitennou, and if you get salty at any of the others or they die of natural causes, you'll pretty much be on your own. There's no real reason not to have some extra help, am I right?"
"No," said Beryl. "I said give me one GOOD reason!"
"Well," said Jadeite. "If you kill me, I'll never get to enact my greatest energy scheme yet!"
"Which is? I hope it's better than that boat one! That was just stupid!"
"Hey now," said Jadeite. "Trust me, you won't be disappointed!"
"If I had an ounce of energy every time I heard that one, I'd have about as much as you gave me so far!"
"That's not too much," thought Jadeite.
"GET TO WORK!" howled Beryl.
"Wwwaaaa!" Jadeite fled.
Jadeite slipped into his sailor/school uniform. "Wait, this is the girls' outfit," realized Jed. "Oh well, there's nothing I can do now. It's five minutes until class starts!"
Jadeite hurried to class and took his seat.
"Mwahahahah, this will be perfect! By blending into the teenage culture here at Juuban High School, I will find out what's popular among kids these days, and use it to steal energy! It's way less suspicious than standing around in an overcoat!"
"Hoya!" said an orange-haired girl with a strong, almost suffocating Boston accent. "Oy'm Mawly! You must be the new kid!"
"Ahh, you're Nephrite's girl," recalled Jed.
"Huh?" asked Molly.
"Say Mandy," continued Jadeite. "What do you see in that Nephrite guy anyway? Surely it's not his looks, and it can't be his brains, because he doesn't have any…"
"Hey!" said Molly. "I don't know how you know me or Nephrite, but that's not very nice!"
"Can it," said Jadeite. "I'm the new cool kid in this school. The bad boy, as some would call me."
"Is that why you're wearing a skirt?" asked Molly.
"RRRRR, back off!" barked Jed.
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin in a menacing tone.
"Here, take my lunch money!" cried Jed, throwing his lunch money to Melvin.
"That's what I thought, dweeb," said Melvin.
"This is great!" thought Melvin. "Finally, someone that's lower on the social square than me! I'm moving up in the ranks!"
"Hello class," said the teacher walking in. "I heard we're getting a new student. Jay, would you come up here and introduce yourself?"
Jadeite walked to the front. He was way taller than the teacher and any student.
"Hmm," said the teacher. "Aren't you a little too old to be in high school?"
"Nah, I just failed a couple years," said Jadeite. "Like all the cool kids."
"As if!" called Melvin. "I'm cooler than you and I never get below a 95!"
Melvin punched his palm threateningly.
Jadeite cowered behind the teacher.
"Well, there's nothing we can really do about it, so go back to your seat."
Jadeite decided not to sit back next to that school bully Melvin, so he sat on the other side of the room.
"Hey," said Jadeite, trying to make new friends. "What's your name?"
"Hmph," scoffed Seiya. "Just call me Seiya-kun."
"Ok, Seiya-kun!" said Jadeite. "Say, aren't you that guy from that band? What's it called again? One Direction?"
"The Three Lights," answered Seiya.
"Ha, never heard of it," laughed Jadeite. "Nice ponytail, queerboy!"
Seiya turned away.
"Darn," said Jadeite. "I almost made a friend!"
Jadeite slept through the rest of math class like a cool kid. "Learning iz 4 chumps!" he thought.
The bell rung and everyone left. As he was walking down the hall, he spotted the club board.
"Man, I bet all the cool kids are in clubs," he thought. "I better join one if I'm going to fit in!"
After school, he showed up at his first choice for a club, the No Friends Club.
"Hi, I'm Jay Dite," he said.
"Get lost," said Taco. "This club's full! And too cool for you!"
"Come on," insisted Jed. "I have no friends! Isn't that the point of the club?!"
"No, I want all the girls to myself so I can choose none of them," explained Taco. "Scram!"
Jadeite scrammed. "Somehow I feel there was a reference there I'm missing…"
He went back to the club board. "Oooh, a study club! Although it's not the coolest thing, this might be my only option!"
Jadeite went to the study room.
"You again!" he howled.
"Heya," said Seiya.
"Hahahaha, like your name!" laughed Jadeite.
"?" replied Seiya.
Jadeite took a seat. "I'm the new kid," he said flipping up his shades. "Most people refer to me as cool kid Jed."
"Aren't you the school nerd that gets bullied by lesser nerds such as Melvin?" asked Usagi.
"Hey watch it," said Jed. "Don't be ridiculous."
Melvin passed by the door, and Jed shrunk into his seat.
Everyone laughed at him.
"Grrrrrrr," he grumbled. "I won't stand for this!"
He slugged Seiya in the face, and threw Minako across the room.
"Don't attack my friends!" yelled Usagi.
"Why are you attacking us?!" demanded Seiya.
"Because I'm angry!" howled Jadeite. He punched the wall and broke his hand.
He stormed out of the room.
"That was strange," said Seiya. "Now who wants to brush my ponytail?"
Jadeite stomped back over to the club board. "Astronomy… perfect!"
"Hey guys," he said entering the astronomy room.
"So as I was saying, everything is ruled by the stars!"
Everyone wrote down their professor's words.
"Time out," said Jadeite. "I don't understand!"
"JADEITE!" howled Nephrite, spinning around.
"Did you say Jadeite?" asked Ami.
"Who's Jadeite?" asked Taiki.
"Just some goon from a couple seasons ago," scoffed Ami. "He should be dead."
"I'm not dead!" yelled Jadeite. "I mean who's Jadeite?"
"Can I have a word with you in the hall?" asked the professor, Nephrite.
"No?" said Jed.
Nephrite dragged him into the hall.
"What did you want to discuss?" asked Jadeite.
"Why are you here?" asked Nephrite.
"Why are you here?" asked Jadeite. "You're not a teacher…"
Nephrite looked around. Then he made a break for it.
Jadeite went back in the room. "Mr. Stanton had a family emergency," said Jadeite. "I'll be filling in. Just call me Jeddy."
"No," said Taiki.
"Anyway…" Jadeite thought for a moment. He decided to wing it based on the astrology crap he learned from overhearing Nephrite.
"So according to Mr. Stanton, when people die they are reborn as stars."
"LIES!" cried Taiki.
"How would you know?!" demanded Jadeite. "Have you ever died?!"
"No but my planet did!" cried Taiki.
"Huh?" said Ami.
"Anyway," continued Jadeite. "If people make wishes on shooting stars, they'll come true!"
"No!" screamed Taiki.
"What basis do you have to disagree?" asked Ami.
Taiki threw her out the window. "I will not sit here and listen to this nonsense!"
Taiki turned into a shooting star and flew away.
"Huh?" asked Jadeite in confusion. He moved on.
"The cooking club… Aha!"
He put on his apron and headed in.
But the room was on fire.
"Oh no!" cried Jupiter. "Cooking was my only thing, and I've failed!"
"What about fighting?" asked Jadeite.
"No," said Makoto. "It's just cooking these days! Especially since I lost to Yaten in my base form! I remember when I used to be a fighter!"
"D'awww," said Jadeite. "I used to be a fighter too. But then I became a joke when I was reborn. I couldn't even beat a bunch of kids after fighting in a thousand year war."
"SAME!" cried Jupiter. "Well, I didn't start being bad until my second episode. But I'll have you know I fought toe to toe with the Negaverse's greatest fighter, Zoisite!"
"Hey, I know Zoisite too!" said Jadeite. "He's actually a close friend of mine! But sadly, he's not that strong of a fighter. You weren't around for it, but there's this guy Nephrite who could stomp him in his sleep!"
"Hmm," thought Jupiter. "I met Kunzite, but he wasn't very bright!"
"How about Evil Mamoru?" asked Jadeite. "He's not very strong, could you take him on?"
"No," said Makoto sadly.
"Aww, that's too bad," said Jadeite. "Even I could take on Mamoru. I doubt he got that big of a power-up."
"Hey, you know a lot about the Negaverse," realized Makoto. "Who are you?"
"I am Lord Jadeite of the Dark Kingdom!" howled Jadeite, transforming into his Shitennou uniform.
"Who?" asked Makoto.
"You mean they never mentioned me?" asked Jadeite. "Not even once?"
"Nope."
"I'm gonna have to have a word with them," scowled Jadeite. He walked away.
"What was all that about?" asked Yaten.
"I don't know," said Makoto.
"You don't know anything," said Yaten angrily.
Makoto gasped. She transformed into Sailor Jupiter and charged him.
He took her down in his base form that wasn't even powerful. "eZ!"
"Whyhyhyhyhyhhyhyhyhyhy!" cried Makoto. "I used to be good, I swear!"
"As if," said Yaten.
Jadeite took the activity bus home from school.
Beryl met him at his bus stop. "How's the operation going?" she asked.
"Great!" said Jadeite. "I made tons of new friends!"
"Jadeite, you're not in school to make friends, you're in there to find ways of stealing energy!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it," said Jed. "But not until the school bake sale next week!"
"Jadeite," warned Beryl. "I don't think you're taking this job seriously. I might have to replace you."
"No!" cried Jed. "I've made too many friends to give up!"
"I don't mean kill you for once," said Beryl. "I just mean send someone in your place-"
"No, that's worse than death!" cried Jadeite. "This is my job! I never even got to square off against my arch-rival Melvin!"
"That nerdboy?" asked Beryl. "Are you going to fight him in a spelling bee?"
"No," said Jadeite. "I'm going to fight him in toe to toe combat!"
"Jadeite," said Beryl.
But Jadeite was already inside.
Jadeite was walking down the Negaverse hall, when he bumped into Melvin.
"No!" cried Jadeite. "I am so sorry!" he wailed.
"That's not going to cut it," said Melvin. "Nerds like you don't get to bump into me and live to tell the story! You make me sick!"
Jadeite tried to make a run for it, but Melvin was more athletic and caught him. He gave him 20 noogies and five purple nurples, and then gave him a swirly and left him there in the toilet.
Jed looked around his school cafeteria for a lunch table, but they all had people at them.
"I guess I'll try this one," thought Jadeite.
"Is this seat taken?"
"Yes," said Nephrite. "I'm holding it for Molly!"
"I don't think the teachers are supposed to be eating with the students," said Jadeite.
"I don't think the nerds are supposed to be eating with the teachers!" howled Nephrite.
Suddenly, Jadeite froze when Melvin sat down at the table.
Jadeite tried to tip toe away but Melvin caught him.
"What do you think you're doing over here, nerdboy?" said Melvin.
"Pls, no!" said Jed.
"I've had it up to here with a geek like you meddling in my business! Today afterschool, at 3pm. Let's square off. If you don't show, you'll be labeled a chicken for life!"
"For life!" cried Jadeite. "Isn't there any other way?!" He ran away crying.
He ran into the bathroom stall and took out his bag lunch. "I can't do it!" he cried. "He'll beat me to a pulp!"
Suddenly, he heard the door open, and he put his legs up to not be seen.
"Did you hear the news?" said some kid. "That new kid's gonna die today!"
"That's a real pity," said Seiya. "I better go watch!"
Jadeite was shaking in his boots.
The rest of the school day flew by in a daze. At 3 o'clock, Jadeite showed up at the playground. He was shaking like a leaf. "Is this the end?"
Melvin stepped forward from behind a tree. "I've been waiting for you, dork!"
There was a large crowd gathering around.
"Isn't someone going to stop this madness?!" muttered Jadeite.
"Taking all bets!" said a familiar voice.
Jed turned around to see a stand set up with Zoisite taking money.
"Ah, another bet for Melvin!"
"Zoisite, what are you doing here?" asked Jadeite.
"I just came here when I heard about the big fight! I thought it would be a great way to earn some quick cash. All the kids are talking about it!"
Jadeite was still shaking.
"Does not one single person want to bet for Jadeite?" called Zoisite. "If he wins, you'll win huge! This whole pot of money for the one person who bets on Jadeite!"
Nephrite stepped forward. "Alrighty, one dollar on Jed."
Jadeite's eyes lit up.
"Nephrite, I knew you'd come through!"
"I believe in you," lied Nephrite. "Don't let me down."
The crowd was now murmuring very loudly.
Jadeite spotted more familiar faces.
"Queen Beryl?! Kunzite?!"
They were both sitting on lawn chairs eating corn dogs and popcorn.
They gave him a thumbs up.
"They all came!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I can't let them down… I can do this!"
Jadeite was filled with strength like never before. For the first time in his life, he felt like he belonged.
"I don't need to be popular to be cool!" realized Jadeite. "I was cool from the start!"
"It's sad we have to see Jadeite die today," said Kunzite. "I really wished it would have been Nephrite."
"Did you bet for Jed?" asked Beryl.
"Heck no!" said Kunzite.
"Any last minute bets?" called Zoisite.
Melvin stepped over. "10,000 dollars on me!"
"Cool!"
Melvin stepped back in the ring. "Alright, let's dance."
"I'm not afraid of you!" yelled Jed. "Not again… not ever!"
"You should be," said Melvin. "You're a nerdboy."
"No…. I'm….NOOOOOOT!"
Jadeite charged with the force of a thousand suns. Melvin did the same.
Suddenly, as Melvin flew towards Jadeite like a bullet, Jadeite stopped in his place.
"I can't do this!" he cried. "I'm too scared."
He extended his fist in defense, hoping it would spare his life.
Melvin ran right into it, and combusted.
"OH YEAH," remembered Jed. "I have super powers!"
The whole crowd gasped.
"He… he did it!" the crowd cried.
"CRAP!" said Seiya. "I bet my spot in the Three Lights!"
"Darn!" said Usagi. "I bet the Silver Crystal, and Luna!"
"Dammit!" cried Luna.
"Shit!" said Minako. "I bet Artemis too!"
"Awww no!" said Makoto. "I bet my house!"
"I bet my grades!" sobbed Ami.
"HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite. "All that belongs to me now!"
"Yeah….. no," said Zoisite. Zoisite fled with the loot in a bulldozer to haul it all away.
"NO!" shouted Nephrite. He ran away after Zoisite.
"Whelp, I think we all learned a valuable lesson," said Jadeite. "Don't underestimate the underdog!"
"WE LOST EVERYTHING BEAUSE OF YOU!" howled the crowd.
They closed in on Jadeite.
"Uh oh," said Jed.
"NOT SO FAST!" said the principle. "Were you FIGHTING on school grounds?"
"Yes," said Jadeite.
"You're expelled!" he howled.
"Hahahahha!" laughed Jed. "I really am the coolest kid of all! I am literally too cool for school!"
"Also," continued the principal. "Your records came in, and it turns out you're over 1,000 years old!"
"What of it?" asked Jed.
"You beat up a minor. You're going to jail!"
"Beryl!" Jed said quickly turning to Beryl. "Bail me out!"
"Nope, not this time," said Beryl.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" said Jed.
He would have teleported away, but he forgot.
He served a lifetime sentence but since he's immortal they let him out in 200 years.
He went home and reminisced while looking at his yearbook from his high school days.
"Good times… good times. Too bad I wasn't even in this yearbook since I was only there for a week. Time to finish that degree!"
The ratings for the Three Lights drastically increased when Zoisite took the place of Seiya.
"It turns out Seiya was the least liked starlight," mused Taiki backstage. "Who would have guessed?"
"Yeah," agreed Yaten. "I thought I was the least liked! Since I'm a total douche!"
FIN
