"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
But Beryl didn't hear, because Jadeite was sleeping eternally.
"ZOIIIIIISITE!" howled Beryl.
"Yes, my queen?" asked Zoisite, appearing at once.
"Where's that pest Nephrite? He hasn't reported back to me in 10 days! And he hasn't returned any of my calls!"
"Gee, I don't know," said Zoisite. "Maybe you shouldn't have threatened to kill him."
"D'ah," said Beryl. "He should have known I was kidding!"
"I know where he is," said Zoisite. "Do you want to know his address?"
"Is it in the Negaverse?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Zoisite.
"Then it's out of my jurisdiction. There's nothing I can do!"
"Can I go dispose of him then?" asked Zoisite.
"You mean can Kunzite go dispose of him?" asked Beryl.
"No, no, no, it's not his arc yet," explained Zoisite. "I can take him out on my own!"
"HAHAHAHAH yeah right!" laughed Beryl.
"Wait, you didn't let me finish! I have Youmas!"
"Really? I thought Jadeite killed them all."
"Nope, we still got a couple in stock. The last three."
"Well, there are five more, but I don't want to waste them," said Beryl.
"Hmm, but you have no problem disposing of us," thought Zoisite.
"What was that?" barked Beryl.
"Nothing. So do I have your permission?"
"No way!" said Beryl. "I can't just go around allowing my top generals to kill each other! However, if Nephrite were to die in an unfortunate accident, there would be nothing I can do."
Queen Beryl winked.
It took Zoisite a second to realize what Queen Beryl meant. "Oh, I gotcha!" said Zoisite. "I'm glad you low-key gave me permission, because I would have killed him anyway and I didn't want to make you mad."
"Hmph," said Beryl.
"What's the plan, Zoisite-sama?" asked Plant Girl #1.
"Wow, no one's ever called me -sama before," said Zoisite. "I'm honored. I wish you guys didn't have to die!"
"Huh?" asked Plant Girl #2.
"Nvm. So here's the deal. Nephrite's a superb soldier. Whatever you do, don't try to fight him head on."
"Good idea," said the plant girls.
"He seems to like this human girl Molly, so just kidnap her to lure him out!"
"But what do we do once he gets there?" asked Plant Girl #3.
"You get the black crystal from him!"
"But what if he tries to fight us?"
"Hmm…" said Zoisite. "Hmmmmm…."
"It's over for you, Sailor Moon!" grumbled Nephrite.
"WAaaaaa I don't wanna die!" cried Sailor Moon.
"Well too bad," said Nephrite.
"Stop right there, Chunky Monkey!" shouted Mamoru, throwing a rose. "What kind of sicko likes picking on little girls?"
"Isn't that what you do?" asked Nephrite.
"What do you mean?" demanded Tuxedo Mask. "I have never done anything but help my good friend Sailor Moon!"
"No, I mean in your Mamoru form," said Nephrite.
"SHHHHHH!" howled Mamoru. "And that dumb Usagi started up with me first!"
"What was that?" asked Usagi. "I wasn't paying attention."
"Ahh, good," said Mamoru.
"I don't have time for a weakling like you! Die!" shouted Nephrite.
He shot lightning out of his palms at Mamoru.
Mamoru leapt into the air and they spun around.
"Uh oh," said Mamoru. "This isn't gonna end well… Are you by chance weaker than Jadeite?" he asked nervously.
"Not a chance," said Nephrite. Instead of tackling Mamoru into the ocean, he blasted him to bits with the lightning.
"I don't know what he expected," thought Nephrite. "If he couldn't take on Jadeite…"
"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Sailor Moon.
"Alright, time to finish off you too!" said Nephy.
Suddenly, he saw the last three Youmas in the Negaverse fly overhead holding Molly.
"No!" he cried.
He chased after them on foot, but because they didn't have to run around building since they were flying overhead, he eventually lost sight of them.
"Drat!" said Nephrite.
Nephrite quickly went to Molly's house to see what happened.
All he found was a note. "Hahahahaha get rekt young one!"
It was in Zoisite's handwriting.
Nephrite lit the note on fire in a fit of rage. "RAAA THAT WILL TeACH HIM! Now time to go save MAWLY! Who I don't care about at all!"
He stepped inside the abandoned jazz club.
"Hmm," he said, upon spotting three weak Youmas and Molly tied to a bed.
"Shit, what do we do now?!" cried Plant Girl #1.
"Die, traitor!" screamed Plant Girl #2, charging like a wildman.
"No, stupid! We were supposed to threaten to kill Molly if he doesn't hand over the crystal!" exclaimed Plant Girl #3.
But it was too late.
Nephrite disposed of the three Youmas, and then wiped the dust off his shirt.
"Easy."
Nephrite shoved one of the Youmas against the wall. "You tell Zoisite I'm not handing over that crystal! Also that he sucks!"
"Y—y-y-es!" cried the Youma.
"Wait," considered Nephrite. "So I have to leave you alive to pass the word on, but there's no reason to spare the other two!"
"No!" they cried. "We're some of the last few Youmas in the Negaverse that Jadeite didn't kill with his incompetence!"
"Then I guess they'll have to start making Youmas out of people!" laughed Nephrite. He finished them both off with a single blow.
"Come on Molly, let's go to the park," said Nephrite.
He carried Molly to the park.
"Mmm," he said. "I'm glad we stopped and got those milkshakes."
"Did you ever have one before?" asked Molly.
"I did, but they were all shitty. For example, one time some nerd with googly eye glasses gave me a cranberry Snapple milkshake. Can you believe they would make such a terrible flavor?"
"D'ah," said Molly.
"You know," realized Nephrite suddenly. "You've taught me to understand love."
"Wowee!" said Molly in shock. "For realzies?"
"Ye," said Nephrite.
Suddenly, the one plant Youma whose life Nephrite spared fired a vine directly at Molly.
"NO!" cried Nephrite. He thought about shoving Molly out of the way and taking the hit to prove how much he cared, but then he realized that was silly, and that he was so much stronger than this Youma.
He shoved Molly to the side, and caught the roots head on, just like he caught that goat thing's horns in the previous episode.
"Uh oh," said the plant girl.
Nephrite threw her by the vine over his shoulder and into the ground. He then threw her back over to the other side, and proceeded to pummel her. However, during the pummeling, Nephrite's black crystal dropped out of his pocket.
"Hahahahahaha," laughed Zoisite, appearing at once. "You were no match for the Negapower!"
Suddenly he looked down to see the ashes of his plant Youma and Nephrite laughing hardily.
"Umm… what happened to the other two?"
"I killed them," said Nephrite. "Did the one pass on to you that you suck and I'll never fork over the crystal?"
"No?"
"Darn," said Nephrite. "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself.
Zoisite was mad that his plan had failed. He shot petals in Nephrite's eyes, temporarily stunning him. He made his move for the crystal.
"HAHAHAHHAH! The black crystal is mine! I'll just have to wait to kill you until Kunzite's arc!"
Suddenly, Zoisite was tackled, and fell to the ground.
"Who…?"
Molly had thrown her body at him wildly. "That's Nephrite-sama's crystal!"
"D'ah, get off me!" cried Zoisite, weakly shoving Molly off him.
Nephrite picked back up the crystal. He decided to kill Zoisite then and there.
"Hahah you wish!" said Zoisite. "I'm calling Kunzite right now!"
Molly snatched his phone and broke it.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. He tried to teleport away, but Nephrite grabbed his foot and threw him on the ground.
Molly did a pile-driver on Zoisite, knocking him into a state of peril.
"No!" cried Zoisite. "This was all a huge misunderstanding! I thought Molly had the Silver Crystal, and…"
"Why would you think that?" asked Nephrite.
"Good question," said Zoisite. "Only an idiot would think that!"
Nephrite was enraged. He finished Zoisite off in one blow.
"My hero!" cried Molly.
"Ye," said Nephrite. "Now come with me. I have some unfinished business."
Nephrite appeared before Queen Beryl with Molly.
"Oh good, you're back!" said Beryl. "Hey wait, where have you been?! I left 20 messages on your phone, and you didn't call me back!"
"Well," began Nephrite.
"SLEEP FOREVER!" howled Beryl.
She shot the attack. Nephrite tanked through it like a boss.
"Hmph," he said. He picked up her crystal ball and smashed on his knee.
Queen Beryl gasped. "HWAHHHHHAT?! I'm calling Kunzite!"
Queen Beryl took out her phone. "Darn it, the North Pole is interfering with my connection!"
Molly took Queen Beryl's phone and threw it on the ground.
"Hahahhaha, I had a protective case!"
Nephrite took the phone out of its case and finished it off, and then picked up Beryl and snapped her like a twig. Then he kicked over her throne, just to add insult to injury.
"Great work!" said Molly.
"Alright, let's grab as much money as we can find and high-tail it!"
"Why?" asked Molly. "You took everybody out!"
"No, there's still Kunzite. But he doesn't know that Zoisite's dead yet."
"Can't you just wipe him out too?" asked Molly.
"NONONONONOOOO!" laughed Nephrite.
They looted the Negaverse and skedaddled.
"Good thing Kunzite's been oddly absent most of this part!" Nephrite said in relief.
2 days later, Kunzite entered the Negaverse.
He found a note sitting on Queen Beryl's corpse.
"Dear Kunzite, I killed Zoisite. Hahahahahahhaha! You'll never find me because you were too absent for Zoisite to tell you where I lived!"
"NO!" cried Kunzite. He burned the letter in his fist. "Damn! I wanted to take an active role since Jadeite's arc! But I just didn't have the time! Gosh darn it Beryl, why'd you have to die on me!? Oh yeah, and Zoisite too! D'ahhhhhh!"
1 arc later…
"GAHHHH! This is where my story reaches its bitter conclusion!" Kunzite yelled as he died to Sailor Moon.
"Good fight," said Sailor Moon.
"Hey Zoisite!" Kunzite said in Hell.
"Kunzite, where were you?" demanded Zoisite. "If you hadn't been oddly absent when I tried to nab the Black Crystal then I'd still be alive today!"
"D'ah," said Kunzite. "But I doubt you would've still been alive today, since Beryl would have certainly finished you off by now. Oh, and speaking of which, where is my homie Queen Beryl?!"
Zoisite narrowed his eyes.
Satan perked up. "I sent her to Super Hell after she tried to pick a fight with me!"
"NOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.
"Satan, can I go to Super Hell too?" asked Zoisite suddenly.
"Sure," said Satan.
"Hahaha, cya," said Zoisite, storming off into Super Hell.
"NO!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Can I go to Super Hell as well?!"
"Nah," said Satan. "Zoisite told me you weren't there for him. You can stay here for being a jerk."
"With all due respect Mr. Satan, I don't think you have the right to be calling anyone a jerk."
"Hmph," said Satan. He left to go party in Super Hell.
"Waaaaaaa," complained Kunzite. "So I'm all alone?"
"No," said Grandpa.
Nephrite peaked his head into the Negaverse.
"Kunzite?" he called. "Ok good, I think he died from a weak attack. Now then."
He opened up Queen Beryl's vault of important things. "Time to finish off the rest of the loot!"
He found Jadeite frozen in an ice cube. He cracked open the ice cube like an egg.
"Brrrrr, cold!" said Jed, shivering. "So Queen Beryl decided to spare me after all?"
"No," said Nephrite. "I won."
"GG," said Jadeite.
FIN
