"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Crickets chirped, but there was no response.
"B…b-b-b-b-b-Beryl?" Jadeite stammered.
The Negaverse was deader than Melvin's snail watching club.
"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Looks like I have the day off! Now I can do everything I've been wanting to do for weeks!"
10 seconds later…
"I'M SO BORED!" sobbed Jadeite. "There's nothing to do in the dark space that I call my house!"
He checked his board game cabinet that he hadn't used since the Silver Millennium.
"Huh, I only have one game in here!"
He pulled out the box and dusted the spider webs off.
"Yahtzee," he read the title. "I don't remember how this was played."
Jadeite sat down for three hours and read the rule book. "I think I get it!" he said at last.
"Now to play. The guide says there must be 2 or more players, but I don't have any friends."
Jadeite ventured into the Youma slums. "Hey, does anyone wanna play Yahtzee with me?" he called.
All the Youmas went inside. He snatched a straggler and dragged her back to his dark space to make her play Yahtzee.
"This game is shit," said the Youma.
"Just roll!" cried Jadeite. "I could probably dispose of you, so I'd watch out!"
"Yeah right," said the Youma. She rolled an average roll.
"Hahahaha," laughed Jed. "Only three points! Now watch how it's done!"
Jadeite threw the dice in the air. He used his powers to make them all land on sixes.
"YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he howled. "I WIIIN!"
"You cheated," said the Youma.
"No!" lied Jadeite. "Sore loser! L!"
"What does that even mean?" asked the Youma.
"L for LOOOOOOSER!" he said, sticking an L on his forehead.
"I'm getting out of here," said the Youma, storming off in a huff.
"Hmm," said Jed. "The Youmas are clearly no match for me. I should try taking my skills to the human world, where this game was invented!"
"YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" howled Jadeite again.
"Looks like player J. Dite is moving up to the next round of the tournament," said the announcer.
"GGRRRRR, you got lucky!" said the salty kid he had just bested. "Think about the odds of getting a perfect score on the first roll!"
"Hahahaha," snickered Jadeite. "Not luck, just skill!"
"There is no skill to Yahtzee," said the kid.
"Coming from a true rookie," laughed Jadeite. "Pathetic!"
Jadeite took his place in front of his next foe. "I bet I'm going to get all sixes again!" he announced.
"Haha," laughed the old lady. "Impossible."
She rolled an above average score. "Easy," she said.
Jadeite rolled all sixes. "YEEEEEEEEEET!"
Jadeite started guffawing and threw the board on the floor.
"AHHAAHHAHAAHHAHAH!"
The old lady fainted.
"That can't be," said a contestant to the judge. "He rolled all sixes twice in a row. I bet he has weighted dice."
"Impossible," said the judge. "These dice are issued from us at the beginning of each game!"
"Maybe he swapped them out when you weren't looking!"
"Hmm," said the judge. "Maybe he's just super lucky. Let's see what happens next match."
Jadeite rolled all sixes.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" cried the judge.
"Now we know he's cheating!" said the angry contestant.
They called Jadeite to the side.
"Let me see those dice," said the judge.
"Why?" asked Jadeite.
"The jig is up!" shouted the judge, snatching them. He put them on the scale.
"Well I'll be a son of a gun," he exclaimed. "They're completely normal!"
"He's hiding some trick!" cried the contestant. "Maybe a magnet or something!"
They patted Jadeite down and did a thorough body search. They found nothing.
"I know he's cheating!" insisted the contestant.
"Nah," said Jadeite. "I'm just a lucky boy."
"Well, we all know he's cheating," said the judge, "But we can't prove it. You'll have to face him next!"
"NO!" cried the angry contestant.
The guy sat down. "I'm going to be watching you really closely," he warned.
"I hope you do!" barked Jed.
The man scored a decent roll.
Jadeite threw out all sixes.
"EAAASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the man. He threw a wild punch, but Jadeite dodged.
They had to escort the guy out.
"That's the end of today's matches," said the bewildered judge. "We're down to four people. The semi-finals and finals will take place tomorrow at noon. See you there!"
"Hahahahhahahah," laughed Jadeite again. He skipped away.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "Darnit, she's still MIA."
Jadeite went to leave, but bonked into Nephrite.
"Heyyyy, watch it!" yelled Nephrite.
"Sorry Charlie," said Jadeite. "Say, are you doing anything tomorrow?"
"Mmm, that depends," said Nephrite.
"Depends on what?" asked Jadeite.
"How I'm feeling."
"Well, do you feel like going to an interesting event, featuring none other than myself?"
"Not particularly…" said Nephrite. "What are you doing? Did you finally get accepted into ballet school?"
"No, I wish!" said Jadeite. "It's the finals of my Yahtzee tournament!"
"What the heck is Yahtzee?" asked Nephrite.
"It's a human game!"
"Hmm," said Nephrite, intrigued. "I'll see if Maxfield can squeeze that in. So long!"
"Wait, why were you coming in just to leave?" asked Jadeite.
"I was selling magazine subscriptions, but then I remembered Beryl is too cheap. Goodbye."
"Cya," said Jadeite.
Nephrite walked out into the North Pole and kept walking.
The next day, Jadeite pranced into the Yahtzee tournament, ready to win.
"It's a beautiful day to win that trophy!" he said. "It practically has my name on it!"
He looked at the trophy. It already had "J. Dit" written on it.
"Mmmmmm," Jadeite replied.
He walked over to the audience. There were only like five people, two of which were Nephrite and Zoisite.
"Nephrite, you came!" Jadeite cried with twinkling eyes.
"That's Maxfield to you!" Nephrite shouted.
"I came too!" yelled Zoisite.
"Zoisite, me boy!" said Jadeite happily. "Where's Kunzite?"
"He couldn't make it, although he wanted to."
Earlier that day…
"Kunzite!" exclaimed Zoisite over the phone. "I just got wind that Jadeite's going to be competing in the finals of a Yahtzee tournament! Do ya wanna come with me?"
"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I would love to, but I can't."
Just then, Beryl popped out of the changing room and Kunzite had to quickly put his phone down.
"Kunzite, do I look good?" asked Beryl.
"Yes my queen," said Kunzite in monotone.
"Does this dress make my butt look big?"
"Yes my queen," repeated Kunzite. "I mean, wait, no! Yes? What are you going for?!"
"KUUUUUUUUUUUUNZITE!" howled Beryl, slapping Kunzite with the purse she bought.
"D'ah," said Kunzite.
"He's busy clothes shopping with Beryl," explained Zoisite.
"Poor Kunzite," said Jadeite. "Although, I would gladly take his place any day."
"Semi-final match one, J. Dite vs. Good Sport Motoki!" the announcer called.
"Oh shit, that's my queue!" cried Jed.
"Break a leg!" called Nephrite.
Jadeite tripped. "Oooowww!"
He sat down at the table.
"Good luck and have fun!" said Motoki.
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I'm going to win!"
"We have equal chances of success!" stated Motoki. "My favorite kind of game!"
"You're going to get beaten, and beaten badly," said Jadeite, ignoring Motoki's good sportsmanship.
Motoki threw his first roll.
"Hey, pretty good!" he said happily. He marked down his points.
"Golly," lied Jadeite. "I don't think I can compete!"
He purposefully used his magic to land a bad roll.
"It's okay!" said Motoki. "It's just the beginning of the game! You still can make a comeback!"
"Nah, there's no way I can win!" said Jadeite.
Motoki was a good sport on the outside, but deep down he was very satisfied with his surefire victory.
"This one's for you, Reika!" he called, throwing his dice. He nearly got a Yahtzee.
"Wowee, that was close! Looks like I'm gonna win it after all!"
"Yeah, you're right," said Jadeite. "Just kidding!" he howled, before even throwing the dice.
He threw down all sixes.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY!" he howled. "AHAHHAHAH A HAH AH HAH AH HHH HA HAH AHAH HAH HAH A!"
He rolled on the floor laughing, and then punched Motoki in the stomach.
"HAHAHA LOSER!"
"Good game," said Motoki, sobbing. He moped away.
"Who's my next victim?!" called Jadeite.
"GOOD JOB!" cheered Nephrite from the audience.
"WAY TO GO, SLUGGER!" called Zoisite.
Jadeite sat down at the finals table. "This one's for all the marbles. Or should I say all the sixes!" he cackled.
He was squared up against none other than Rei Hino.
"YOUUUUU!" howled Jadeite. "You're cheating too!"
"Yes," said Rei. "What are you going to do about it?"
"How come they're not suspicious of you?" asked Jadeite.
"Because I'm not doing it so obviously like an idiot," explained Rei.
"She's strong," admitted Jadeite. "But I'm better! You're going down, down town that is!"
Rei rolled all sixes just to spite Jadeite.
"NO!" cried Jed, instantly realizing he had reached an impasse.
He rolled all sixes as well.
The crowd of five people went wild.
"Good job!" howled Grandpa. "You got this in the bag, Rei!"
"No way!" shouted Zoisite. "Our Jadeite will dispose of your granddaughter!"
"Do I know you from somewhere?" asked Grandpa.
"What?" said Zoisite.
"Shyaaa yaaaaa, braaaaah!" said Chad.
Mamoru suddenly woke up and lifted the book off his face. "Did Motoki win yet?"
"No," said Nephrite. "He was disposed of."
"D'ah," said Mamoru, leaving.
Jadeite and Rei each threw down another hand of sixes.
"Damn!" cried Jadeite. "She's good!"
Jadeite knew he would have to come up with some strategy, or else this game would never end, and he would never win his rightful trophy.
He threw down a random hand of all bad numbers.
Rei threw down her hand, and then Jadeite quickly tipped his dice over to all sixes.
Rei quickly threw hers down as a six before they landed.
"D'ah!" said Jadeite. "I almost had her! She was going to get arrogant and do all fives!"
Three hours passed, and Jadeite was in a hot sweat.
"I can't keep this up!" he thought to himself. "I'm gonna run out of magic!"
"Getting tired?" asked Jadeite weakly.
"No," laughed Rei. "How about you?"
"Nah, I haven't even broken a sweat yet!" lied Jadeite, taking off his shirt because he was overheating.
Grandpa had already died of old age, and Zoisite and Nephrite were sleeping on each other.
Chad had buried Grandpa outside during an intermission and then danced on his grave since he inherited the temple.
Jadeite rolled another round of sixes.
The judge was out cold.
"Hey, wake up!" said Jed. "You're gonna miss me winning!"
The judge stirred in his sleep but quickly went back to bed.
"This is going nowhere," thought Rei. "Time to step it up."
Jadeite threw his hand in the air.
"MARS FIRE IGNITE!"
She hurled a fire ball at Jadeite, and he had to leap out of the way.
"NO!" he cried. At the last second, he moved his dice to all sixes.
"That was a close one," he thought.
Rei threw her hand up in the air, and Jadeite shot a 10,000 volt lightning bolt at her.
She swiftly ducked under the table and changed her dice moments before they landed.
"Hmm, this'll never do," thought Rei.
Jadeite went to throw again, but Rei slugged him in the face.
"YOUCH!" he cried, but still managed a perfect roll.
Rei threw her dice again, but Jadeite was out for blood.
He tried sabotaging the hand and forcing the dice to land on random numbers. But fought Rei back, and used all her willpower.
A mental battle broke out as the dice floated in the air.
Too bad the judge was asleep.
Finally, Rei's will overpowered Jadeite, and she once again did perfect.
"Drat!" cried Jadeite. "I only have one trick left up my sleeve…"
A plane flew by overhead. Right as Rei threw her dice, Jadeite spiraled it down into the roof of the recreational center.
Rei had to leap out of the way, and the wind from the plane crash caused her dice to scatter randomly.
"NO!" cried Rei.
The judge fell out of his chair and woke up.
"I don't believe it! A non-perfect score from player Rei! If J. Dite gets another Yahtzee, he wins!"
"NO!" cried Rei again. "I won't lose like this."
Jadeite smirked. "GG, but better luck… NEXT TIME!"
Jadeite threw his dice.
The minute they left his hand, Rei pulled out one of her voodoo papers, and tossed it onto Jadeite's head.
"INTEFERENCE!" he howled to the judge as he was immobilized.
"How would that effect a game of luck?" the judge asked. "It's just a piece of paper!"
"DRAT!" Jadeite cried. He was unable to use any magic. "NOOOO! Why is this happening to me!?"
Time stood still as his dice slowly bounced on the table, about to land.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried, still paralyzed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
His dice landed. He couldn't bear to look up.
"We… we have a winner!" cried the judge. "Finally!"
Jadeite looked at the table. He had rolled all sixes out of sheer luck!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHA I TOLD YOU I WASN'T CHEATING!"
"HOW?!" thought Rei. "That's impossible! Maybe he wasn't using magic after all, and he's just really lucky!"
"YEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWW!" shouted Jadeite. He danced around the room as Rei left angrily.
"Come on Grandpa, let's go," she said.
"Sorry," said Chad. "Grandpa has passed."
"D'ah," said Rei.
Jadeite took a picture of Nephrite and Zoisite sleeping against each other for blackmail and then woke them up.
"GUYS, I WON!"
"Really?!" gasped Nephrite. "How did you beat such a formidable foe?!"
"I guess I'm just lucky!" winked Jadeite.
Jadeite put his trophy in the Shitennou trophy case next to the Shitennou Strikers bowling trophy.
"I'm a winner," he said out loud. "I'M A WINNER!" he screamed. "A WINNER! A WIIIIINNNNNNER!"
"No you're not," said Beryl, coming home.
"Nice dress," said Jadeite.
"Shut up," said Beryl.
"No, but seriously Beryl, I am a winner!"
"How so?" asked Beryl. "Did you get energy?"
"No, let's be realistic here!" Jadeite laughed.
Beryl groaned.
"I WON A YAHTZEE TOURNAMENT!"
"What's that?" asked Beryl.
FIN
