"Queen Beryl!" read Jadeite's tombstone. "I found a new source of energy!"
Under that was his expiration date. "1100 B.C. – 2016."
"He was a good man," said Nephrite, with his head hung low.
"Yep," said Zoisite. "Riperoo."
Zoisite was wearing a dark veil and a black dress like a female would wear.
The rest of the Negacrew were sporting mourning attire as well. However, Queen Beryl just wore her regular dress and a party hat.
Even Evil Prince Endymion came to Jadeite's funeral. He shed a single tear, and that was all.
Beryl took off her party hat in a show of respect. "We close this book, but open a new one," she said with little sympathy.
"It's a real shame that Jadeite just dropped dead out of unknown causes," said Kunzite. "He will be missed."
"You know what this means, don't you?" asked Beryl. "It's time to find a new member!"
"We can't just replace Jadeite like some animal," barked Nephrite. But then he started to giggle, and couldn't hold a straight face.
"How come you didn't look for replacements the first time we all died?" asked Zoisite.
"That's simple," said Beryl. "This time we're in it for the long run. We're building an organization to last."
"Oooh, ooh!" exclaimed Nephrite.
"Yes, Nephrite?" began Beryl.
"I have someone I would like to recommend for the position!"
"Who?" asked Beryl. "That human girl?"
"Ye," said Nephrite.
"No," said Beryl. "We need someone just as strong as Jadeite to take over in his place!"
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "That will be hard to find."
Kunzite reached in his pocket and pulled out a paper clip. "Oh look, I found a replacement!"
"Really? At the man's funeral?" asked Evil Endymion. "That's just cruel."
"SHUT UP!" howled Kunzite. "You were texting the whole time we were giving our eulogies!"
"What of it?" barked Endymion.
"This guy is unbelievable," said Kunzite angrily, punching a tombstone.
"Well, I know this will be hard," said Beryl. "But let's go loot Jadeite's room. I'm sure he left something good."
When they arrived in his room, it was just a dark space with a single cabinet.
Beryl looked in the cabinet. "Hey look, it's his will! Let's take a peak."
She started reading out loud, but everyone envisioned it being read in Jadeite's voice.
"Hey boys. If you're reading this, Beryl killed me again and didn't revive me. The only thing I have to say is 'd'ah, you win some, you lose some.' I don't regret my mistakes, including whichever one I did to get killed. Because through all of this, I never lost sight of who I was."
"Get on with it!" howled Nephrite at Jadeite's image.
"Ok, ok," continued Jadeite's will. "Although I have few possessions, I want to leave them to my greatest friends. Queen Beryl, you can have my ashes. I give them to you because you'll miss me the most."
Beryl scoffed.
"Also, if you didn't catch on from when I said I'm leaving my ashes to Beryl, I want to be cremated."
"Well we already buried him, so that's not going to happen," said Beryl.
"Furthermore, I want to leave all my energy to Metalia. She needs it more than anyone. Next, I want to leave my diary to Zoisite, since he's the only one that can understand my struggles."
Zoisite started to cry. "Why do the good die young?!"
"Next, my pal Nephrite. I don't have anything to leave to him, so I give him my blessings."
"Cheap son of a gun!" howled Nephrite.
"Oh, and that half empty can of beer under my cabinet."
"Hot diggity dog!" said Nephrite. "I was wrong about him!"
"Although I never really got to know Kunzite well, I knew he was a good man. That's why I want to leave him my tropical goldfish. He will take good care of them."
Kunzite took Jadeite's tropical fish. "I will raise you like my own," he promised.
"Last, but certainly not least. My favorite member of the gang, Evil Endymion, will inherit my home, my cabinet, and everything in my bank account. That is, if he's still evil. If he's not, then I want it all to go to the next best person, Mamoru Chiba. Whelp, that's it for me! FIN," Jadeite concluded his will. "Don't forget me!"
"Wait, what were we reading again?" asked Beryl.
"I think it was about that Jadeite guy," said Mamoru.
"Ah," said Beryl. "Did he leave me anything good?"
"No," Mamoru informed her.
"D'ah," said Beryl. She went home.
The rest went their separate ways, but Mamoru stayed behind.
"This room is shit," he noted. "It's just an empty space. If I had to guess, the same will go for Jadeite's bank account."
Mamoru headed to the bank just to make sure.
"How much funds did this chump leave me?" he asked the bank teller.
"One," said the bank teller.
"D'ah," said Mamoru. "Just one dollar?"
"No," said the bankteller. "One trillion yen!"
"Is that a lot?" asked Mamoru.
"Yes," said the banker. "Not as much as it would be in USD, but it's easily over a billion USD."
"YEEEEEHAWWWW!" howled Mamoru. He danced like a Wildman and then emptied Jadeite's bank account in all pennies.
"Hmm," thought Beryl, sitting on her throne by herself. "Jadeite would be telling me he had a new source of energy right about now, but never getting around to specifying what it was. I sort of miss those days…"
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite.
Queen Beryl perked up. Then she narrowed her eyes. "Oh, it's only you."
"But I found a new source of energy!" said Nephrite.
"CAN IT!" howled Beryl. "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"
"Oh, did I say energy?" asked Nephrite. "I meant the open audition you posted about all around town is about to begin. The line stretches all the way to the arctic ocean."
"Oh yeah," recalled Beryl. "Send em' in."
Queen Beryl, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite were sitting on a desk, prepared to audition new members.
"I swear, if the first person is Grandpa," said Beryl.
Grandpa marched in.
"Darn it," said Beryl.
"Hidy ho," said Grandpa, throwing everyone off.
"HEY!" yelled Melvin from further back in the line.
"Ok," sneered Beryl. "Why do you think you have what it takes to replace Jadeite?"
"Cuz I feel evil!" howled Grandpa. He charged mercilessly and took down Zoisite in one hit.
Kunzite took to the skies, but Grandpa grabbed his leg and spun him around like a top.
He died from reaching a lethal velocity.
Nephrite went to teleport, but Grandpa roped him in like a bull. Grandpa tossed him onto the ground and finished him off with a good ol' Grandpa Pile Driver.
Beryl was hiding under the desk, hoping she wouldn't be seen, but Grandpa detected her power level.
He threw the desk in the air, stomped Beryl, and by the time the desk fell back to the ground, Beryl was no more.
Granpda walked away.
The Shitennou and Beryl respawned a couple minutes later.
They pretended none of that happened.
They called in the next guy.
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin.
They assumed it was Grandpa again and disposed of him.
The next auditionee entered soon after.
"Hello guys, I'm Motoki!"
"Hmm," said Beryl. "Show me your moves!"
Motoki started break-dancing.
"No, no, none of that," said Beryl.
"I don't know," said Nephrite. "This guy might be a good replacement. He's a goofball just like Jed."
"Yeah, and he looks just like him!" said Zoisite. "If he gets a sore throat, he'll basically be a clone of ol' Jed!"
"But do we want another Jed?" asked Kunzite.
"Hmm, good point," said Beryl.
They killed Motoki.
"Next!"
Shingo, who had just seen Motoki being removed, gasped. "Wait, so if someone doesn't get chosen, you kill them?"
Beryl narrowed her eyes at Shingo. "We can't have them knowing about our secret organization, can we?"
"I see what you're saying," said Shingo. "But-"
He made a break for it.
Kunzite sniped him anyway.
"NEXT!" they called.
"Yo, I'm Crane Machine Joe," said Crane Machine Joe.
"I remember you," said Zoisite. "You were my first rainbow crystal. Good times… good times… It was all so simple back then."
"Umm… yeah," said Crane Machine. "I think I'd be a great asset to the team because of my telekinesis abilities. And also I like being a douche to everyone."
"Hmm," the group conferred.
"You're hired," said Beryl.
"What?" asked Kunzite. "I want a second opinion."
"Yeah," said Crane Machine Joe. "I just came in here as a joke, I didn't actually want the part!"
"Do you want to get fired?" asked Beryl, punching her palm. She took out her crystal ball and charged up an eternal sleep.
"No, no!" said Game Machine.
"Good," said Beryl. "You start tomorrow, don't be late!"
"Aye aye, cap'n!"
They all went back to their rightful homes.
Queen Beryl sat on her throne, tapping her foot angrily.
"It's been 10 minutes since he was supposed to arrive!"
"I'M HERE!" cried Joe, running in in a cold sweat. "I had to travel all the way from Tokyo to the North Pole! Luckily I found that portal that was randomly in one of the Tokyo shops! That was just complete luck! Hopefully the sailors won't find that one!"
"Do you think this is a joke?" asked Beryl.
"Maybe," said Crane Machine Joe. "From what I've witnessed so far, it seems like one!"
Beryl gritted her teeth. "You're on thin ice, Crane Machine. 10 more episodes of failure and I'll have to take you out!"
"Yikes," said Crane Machine Joe.
"Kunzite!" howled Beryl.
Kunzite quickly teleported in in his underpants.
"See?" said Beryl. "Now that's a hasty arrival!"
"What do you want?" asked Kunzite.
"I want you to train the new recruit, like you do with all those Youmas and Endymion."
"Hmph," said Kunzite. "Come on Joe, let's get to work."
Kunzite took Crane Machine to the training grounds.
"Alright kid," said Kunzite. "You have a lot to learn."
"Who's that old lady anyway?" asked Crane Machine Joe. "She seems to have some attitude problems…"
"Yep," said Kunzite. "She's Queen Beryl, the ruler of the Negaverse!"
"Then who's Queen Metalia?" asked Crane Machine Joe.
"The ruler of the Negaverse," answered Kunzite.
Joe looked at him confused.
"You'll get used to it."
Kunzite tossed him a sword. "Let's do this."
After a couple smackdowns in a row, Crane Machine Joe got the hang of it, and Kunzite had to break a sweat.
"He's strong!" admitted Kunzite. "You're really a natural, unlike that Mamoru. He was already as strong as Jadeite, and it still took him really long to learn!"
"Who's Mamoru?" asked Joe.
Kunzite sighed. "I wish you were as good with your mind as you are with a sword."
"I do have telekinesis," reminded Joe. "That kind of has to do with the mind…"
"Don't sass me, rookie!" barked Kunzite. "Now go run four laps!"
Joe ran off and did his laps.
After a long workout, Crane Machine Joe headed back to his dark space that he inherited from Jed when Endymion turned it down.
Suddenly, he bumped into Zoisite.
"Hey noobie," said Zoisite. "I've been waiting for you. Remember that time I stomped you and took your crystal?"
"Yeah, what of it?" barked Joe. "I also remember that human girl beating you up!"
"Hmph," said Zoisite angrily. "You had to be defended by a girl!"
Crane Machine Joe was hit in a weak spot. He lashed out angrily. "Well, in the dub, you WERE a girl!"
He had hit Zoisite in a weak spot as well. They were both in a state of peril.
"You better stay out of my way, punk," threatened Zoisite. "Or you'll be history."
"Ha!" said Joe. "I've trained for 20 minutes and I'm already stronger than you!"
"Yeah right!" said Zoisite. "I'll have you know over the course of the past 1000 years, that I've trained for TWO HOURS!"
Crane Machine Joe hit Zoisite with an invisible telekinetic punch.
Zoisite went flying back. He stumbled up weakly. "Hmm, I don't have time to play around with little kids!"
"I'm like your age," remarked Joe.
"Mmmm," said Zoisite.
Zoisite fled.
"That was a beating," said Nephrite, who was standing at the soda machine watching.
"Do you want some too?" asked Crane Machine Joe, who was still mad about that time Jupiter defended him.
"Hey, take it easy man, I don't want any trouble."
"Yeah, that's right," sneered Crane Machine.
"Queen Beryl," yelled Crane Joe. "I found a new source of energy!"
"You hear that, Jadeite?" called Beryl to the ceiling. "He found one too, just like you did!"
"Umm…" said Crane Machine.
"Anyway," said Beryl. "Jadeite's got the new sources of energy under control. He's been working at the game for over 20 years, and he barely gets any energy. So I doubt you'll succeed."
"That's the thing," said Crane Machine Joe. "I already did. That's why I said I found a new source of energy, because I actually have the energy!"
Beryl gasped. "That kind of energy is worthless!"
"Isn't all energy the same?" asked Crane Machine Joe.
"Ha!" laughed Beryl. "You have a lot to learn!"
"Well actually," said Crane Machine Joe. "I was talking to my pal Queen Metalia. And she was telling me that all energy is in fact the same. She said you're losing your touch, B-man."
Queen Beryl was agitated. She stood up.
Crane Machine gasped.
"Do you want an eternal sleep?" threatened Beryl.
"Ye," said Crane Machine, the power going to his head.
Queen Beryl went to sit back down, but Joe used his telekinesis to move her chair back. She fell on the floor.
"NO!" she howled.
Crane Machine snickered and ran away.
"It's dark in here," thought Jadeite. "I know my room is a dark space, but it's not usually this dark."
He went to sit up, but he hit his head.
"What the heck?" thought Jadeite. "Where am I?"
He tried to stretch out his arms, but it was a tight squeeze.
"Am I in a coffin?" he thought. "What the hell?"
Jadeite teleported back to the Negaverse.
"Guys, I went to bed and I woke up and I was in coffin! Talk about a deep sleep, huh?"
But no one was around.
"What's going on?!" cried Jadeite.
He walked up to Beryl's throne, but sitting on it was Crane Machine Joe.
"Who are you?!" howled Jadeite. "And what have you done with Beryl?"
"That old hag?" laughed Crane. "She's sleeping."
"Oh, good," said Jadeite.
"ETERNALLY!" howled Joe, pointing to a nearby ice block.
"NO!" cried Jadeite.
Next to Queen Beryl's ice block was Zoisite's ice block.
Kunzite and Nephrite teleported in.
"I trained him too well!" cried Kunzite when he saw what Machine Joe had done. "We have to finish him off!"
"No," said Jadeite. "This is my battle."
"Oh hey Jed," said Nephrite. Then it hit him. "J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j—j-j-j-j-j-j-j…. JADIETE?!"
"Why did you put me in a coffin?" asked Jadeite.
"We thought you were dead!" cried Kunzite. "You were out cold, and your eyes were shut!"
"I was sleeping," said Jed. "I went to bed at like 12 o' clock at night."
"D'ah," said Kunzite. "You know Mamoru cleared out your bank account."
"Aww crap," said Jed. "I hope Zoisite didn't finish my diary. I had some very personal stuff in there. Oh no, I remember what else was in my will! Did you guys cremate me?!" Jadeite howled in horror.
"No, you were already in the coffin," said Nephrite.
"What a relief," said Jadeite. "I need to take that out of there."
"Ahem," said Crane Machine. "You were saying?"
"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "It appears this goon was attempting to take my spot! But nothing can beat the original!"
"I can," said Joe.
"Ahahaha," laughed Jadeite. "Let's do this!"
Jadeite shot lightning with the power of a thousand suns. Crane Machine Joe leapt into the air, as did Jed. They spun around in a circle, exactly 6.5 times, and then Jadeite tackled Crane Machine Joe into the ocean in a single frame of animation.
"Hahahahahhaa," laughed Jadeite. "Easy."
But Joe was not down for the count. He transformed into his Youma form, and tapped Jed on the head with his long hammer hand.
Jed turned around, just in time to be socked by an invisible punch.
Jadeite fell into the ocean and did not emerge.
"You shall now all be my servants!" said Crane Machine Joe. "Bow before me!"
Kunzite took out Crane Machine Joe in one punch.
"Bozo. He thought he was good because he took out weaklings."
Kunzite unthawed Zoisite and Beryl, and then they all rushed over to the ocean.
A rose floated to the surface.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl. "NOT JADEITE! When he died the first time, I was able to play it cool and act like I didn't care. But this is too much. I can't live without Jed!"
"Really?" asked Jadeite surfacing. "You mean that?"
Beryl panicked and put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.
"He didn't hear anything," she convinced herself. She took his frozen form into a dark room.
"Now that you're frozen and can't hear a thing," she said slowly. "I can finally come clean. Jadeite, I love you. I've always loved you."
"Really?" mumbled Jadeite through the ice.
Beryl gasped.
Beryl threw herself off a bridge.
FIN
