"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh ye?" asked Beryl. "Fork it over."

"It's ur mum," taunted Jed.

"Why I oughta!" shouted Beryl.

Nephrite pranced in. "Yo," he said coolly.

"What business do you have here?" asked Beryl.

"I told you," said Jed. "I have a new source of energy!"

"Not you, dummy," scolded Beryl, bonking him on the head.

"Well ya see, m'queen," said Nephrite. "I need to take the week off."

"What do you mean?!" exclaimed Beryl. "You haven't been working this whole time! Same goes for those bums Zoisite and Kunzite!"

"I understand how you feel," said Nephrite. "But it's really important!"

"Why?"

"Because I need to make sure my gf Molly doesn't fall into the arms of that dweebazoid!"

"Melvin?" Beryl asked. "He is a real lady's man," she admitted. "I see why you're concerned. Go with god speed!"

Nephrite fled.

"Haha," said Jadeite. "Remember when Nephrite actually used to be a serious warrior?"

"I remember when you used to be good," remarked Beryl.

"As if," scoffed Jadeite.


"Oh, hoy Nephrite!" said Molly happily when Nephrite showed up at her door. "You're just in time for the snail watching club meeting!"

"Darn it," said Nephrite.

She led him inside.

"Hidy ho, Nephrite!" said Melvin.

"Can it, dweeb," said Nephrite.

Melvin got sad and had to drink a cranberry prune milkshake to feel better. "Good as new!" he said gleefully.

"So today's first order of business…"

Nephrite started snoring obnoxiously loud.

"Hey!" said Melvin. "Do you have a problem?!"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "This club is stupid, and so are you. Why are we watching snails? Why snails? Why no other creature? Hey, I have something better we can watch! TV!"

"Hey, none of that," said Molly. "Be nice!"

"Hrmmm," muttered Nephrite. He leaned up next to Melvin. "If it weren't for Molly, each of your body parts would be on a separate planet!"

"What planet would my head be on?" asked Melvin.

"The sun," replied Nephrite.

"The sun's not a planet," corrected Melvin. "An astrologist like yourself should know that."

"MOOOOOOOOOOLLY!" howled Nephrite. "Can I kill Melvin?"

"No," said Molly. "You promised not to kill anyone!"

"I don't recall that," lied Nephrite.

"Anyway, before this clown interrupted the meeting," continued Melvin, shooting a glare at Nephrite. "I was going to discuss the club field trip for the year! All clubs at Juuban High get at least one field trip, and do you know where ours will be?"

"The sun?" asked Nephrite hopefully.

"Nope! Snail Con 2016!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Nephrite.

"Oh boy!" said Molly.

Melvin passed Nephrite and Molly permissions slips for their parents to sign.

"Make sure to get these back by Thursday," said Melvin.

Nephrite was baffled. "Can I have my guardian, Queen Beryl sign?" he asked.

"Nope," said Melvin. "It has to be your real parents!"

Nephrite groaned.


"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite, walking into Kunzite's private study.

Kunzite gasped and quickly closed off his browser.

"What was that?" demanded Zoisite.

"Nothing!" said Kunzite, working up a sweat. "So what did you want to ask me?" Kunzite said quickly, trying to change the subject.

"Can you open this jar of pickles?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. He smashed it on the table, shattering the glass. "Here you go!"

"I can always count on you, pal!" said Zoisite, turning around to leave.

He waited in the doorway.

Kunzite continued to stare at his desktop background.

Zoisite narrowed his eyes.


Thursday came, and Nephrite showed up at the snail watching club against his better judgement.

Outside the door, something hit him in the head.

"Oh no, the permission slip!"

Nephrite quickly pulled it out. "Oh no! Oh boy! Oh no!"

He spawned a pen, and started filling out the information. He stopped abruptly when he reached the parent signature section.

"Yikes!" he cried. "I have no time to bring this to my parents now!"

Out of options, Nephrite desperately forged their signatures.

He walked inside the room at the recreational center.

"You're late," warned Melvin. "That's another tardy."

"D'ah," said Nephrite. "Here's my permission slip."

Melvin adjusted his bifocals, and read the form thoroughly. He paused at the parent signatures, and leaned in closer.

Nephrite was starting to panic. He broke into a hot sweat, which quickly turned into a cold sweat.

"Your parents have strangely similar hand-writing to you…"

"Yeah, it runs in the family! Ha! Ha!"

Melvin narrowed his eyes.

"Wait a second," thought Nephrite. "Why do I even care? I don't even want to be in this club!"

Melvin decided to let Nephrite slide. "It will cost you," he whispered.

"You're a dead man," replied Nephrite.

Just then, the bus pulled up.

"Wowee, that's a moyty big bus for awnly faw people!" drawled Molly.

"That's just you club fees hard at work!" explained Melvin.

"Hold on," said Nephrite. "What do you mean, four people?"

"I feel evil!" called a voice.

Nephrite pulled out a gun and put it to his own head. "Should I do it?"

But Grandpa snatched it out of his hand before Nephrite could even spot him.

"Now now, big boy," said Grandpa. "You don't want this to get ugly, do you?"

Nephrite threw a quick jab, but Grandpa brushed it off like a gust and wind and pretended it didn't happen.

They boarded the bus.

"Why is he here?" mumbled Nephrite to Molly.

"Wayll," began Molly. "The school requires us to have a chaperone, and no one else wanted anything to do with the snail watching club!"

"I'm like 20 something!" insisted Nephrite.

"But you're a club member, so you can't be an unbiased chaperone," explained Melvin.

"What does that even mean?!"

The bus took off.

"Hey kids, ready for a sing-along?" called Melvin.

"I'll kill you!" shouted Nephrite.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round!"

Nephrite punched him in the throat.

"Wowee, owee!" coughed Melvin.

"Wait a minute," said Grandpa. "Who's driving this bus?!"

Motoki turned around and waved. "Just lil ol' me!"

"WAAA!" screamed Grandpa. He started hyperventilating.

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" asked Nephrite.

Grandpa socked Nephrite, and kicked Molly in the jaw.

"Jadeite's driving this bus! He's going to fly it away to Hell like he did with those kids from our temple!"

"No, Grandpa!" cried Melvin. "That's not Jadeite, it's just some guy who somewhat looks like him!"

Grandpa was beyond reason at this point. He was nearly reaching his limit, and he was going to lose consciousness and permanently take his cross-eyed ape-lobster form.

"Get a hold of yourself!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa bucked like a donkey, and kicked Melvin with his two hind legs.

Melvin's suffering brought Granpda back to who he was.

"Haha," laughed Grandpa.

"Phew!" said Molly. "We really dawdged a bullet!"

"That's right," said Melvin. "I almost crushed my prize-winning snails! But luckily I had them in a protective case!"

Grandpa charged the snails.

"NO!" cried Melvin.

With a single punch, Grandpa shattered the case.

Melvin threw his body in the way, protecting the snails.

"Woah, take it easy back there!" said Motoki.

Grandpa threw a flying kick at Motoki, and he started swerving off the road.

"Waaaaa!" screamed Motoki. "I should have stayed at the arcade! It didn't pay that much below minimum wage!"


Zoisite crept out of bed and slinked into Kunzite's private study like a snake.

He spotted the monitor, and leapt into the chair.

He turned on the computer.

"Damn, a password! This is no good!"

He thought for a moment. "Hmm, what would Kunzite's password be? ZoisiteIsBae66."

It didn't work.

"NephriteIsALoser22."

Still nothing.

"MamoruChibaStinks45."

For a second Zoisite thought he had it, but the wrong password warning just came up delayed.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Wait, there's a hint!"

The hint read "My favorite person in all the Negaverse!"

"D'aww," said Zoisite. "That's so sweet!"

He put in 'Zoisite.' It didn't work.

"HUH!?"

Zoisite tried again without a capital Z, but still no success.

"It couldn't be…" he said in a hot sweat.

Desperately, he put in the English dub spelling of his name. "NO!"

Just to be sure, he tried Jadeite.

"Good," he thought when it didn't work. "That just leaves… oh no…"

Zoisite put in Queen Beryl, and finally forced himself to press the enter key.

It worked.

"NOOOOO!" howled Zoisite.

Suddenly, Kunzite's privacy violation senses started tingling. He sprung out of bed and ran towards his study in his pajamas.

"Now to check his search history!"

Zoisite scrolled down the history menu.

"10 ways to deal with depression."

"Huh?" thought Zoisite. "I'll have to look back at that one later."

"Capes R Us Online Store."

Zoisite nodded.

"Ask,com search – Who is the Moon Princess?"

"Clever!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"BleachForCheap,net."

"I knew it," Zoisite replied.

He kept scrolling down.

Suddenly he gasped.

"What is this!?"

Kunzite ran through the door, just as Zoisite clicked the pornographic link.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" demanded Zoisite when the page loaded.

"Uh…" said Kunzite.

"This is STRAIGHT porn!" cried Zoisite. "How could you?!"

"It's not what it looks like!" exclaimed Kunzite. "It was a pop-up, I swear!"

"No it wasn't!" shouted Zoisite. "The item right under it is a Google search for straight porn!"

"But-but I! But he! But you!"

"Also," said Zoisite. "Do want to know how I got through your password?"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I left it logged in, right?"

Zoisite slowly shook his head.

"Uh oh," repeated Kunzite. He paused for a moment and then teleported away.

"Hey, GET BACK HERE!" yelled Zoisite. "Where are you going, this is our house!?"


Jadeite was awoken from his slumber by a sound he thought he would never hear.

The ring of a doorbell.

Jadeite flew across the room at top speed, and threw himself into the door.

He stumbled up and opened it.

"KUUUUUNZIIIIIITE ME BOY!" he howled.

"Hey pal," said Kunzite.

"You've finally come to visit me!" said Jadeite, crying tears of joy. "DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BOTTLE CAP COLLECTION!?

"Well actually," said Kunzite. "I was wondering if I could crash here for a while."

"You mean like a sleepover?!" asked Jadeite with his eyes glimmering.

"Uh… sure," said Kunzite.

"OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!" said Jadeite. "Let me get the sleeping bags!"

"Hmm," sighed Kunzite. "I'll have to hide out here until this all rolls over."


Nephrite had finally managed to restrain cross-eyed lobster grandpa, with the aid of some serious elephant tranquilizer.

"Phew," they all said as Grandpa reverted to his human form.

"He could still defeat us in this form," reminded Nephrite. "So stay on guard!"

"We're here!" called Motoki.

"OH BOY!" squeaked Melvin. He hopped out of the moving bus and landed on his face as the bus pulled up.

Nephrite hopped out on top of Melvin. "Whelp, that was the highlight of this event!"

They equipped their all-access passes and headed inside.

"Snails, everywhere!" Melvin screamed. "This is like a dream! Only Molly isn't fried shrimp!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Molly.

"Nothing," said Melvin. "Oh boy, look at that exhibit! It's a dream come true!"

"More like a nightmare," sneered Nephrite.

"Oh lighten up," said Mawly. "Watching snails can be fun if you keep an open mind."

"Maybe if I was high," considered Nephrite. "Nope, not even then."

"Cool kids get high off of milk," said Melvin judgmentally. "Except for me, because it gives me constipation."

"Thank you for your input," said Nephrite.

"Hey kids, it's me, Smelly the Snail!" approached some sweaty teen in a snail suit.

"They don't pay me enough to do this," thought the teen.

"OH BOY, SMELLY!" howled Melvin. "I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CAN YOU SIGN MY MOLLUSK CAP?!"

"Sure…" said Smelly.

He signed "Smelly the Snale," spelled wrong.

"What gives?" demanded Melvin. "You're not the real Smelly!"

"You idiot," said Smelly. "There is no real Smelly. It's just a costume."

Melvin's whole world shattered into pieces. He started crying.

"Hey now," said Nephrite. "I don't like Melvin either, but you didn't have to crush his dreams."

"Yeah!" agreed Molly.

"Oh, watchu gonna do, tough guy?" challenged Smelly.

"Hey, you don't want any of me," warned Nephrite.

"You wanna bet?" asked Smelly, flexing his muscles.

Nephrite continued to restrain himself. "Listen bud, there's no need to fight."

Smelly threw a wild punch, clean into Nephrite's jaw.

Nephrite ripped off his civilian clothes, revealing his Shitennou uniform.

He charged up his fist with the force of the Andromeda galaxy, and let it loose on Smelly's exposed gut.

Smelly fell to the floor, but he wasn't out yet. It turned out his suit's shell was made of solid plutonium.

Smelly stood up, and spit on the ground. He then proceeded to crack his knuckles. "Where I come from, people don't mess with me and live to tell the story."

"I'm shaking," said Nephrite. "Nothing's more intimidating than a nerd in snail costume!"

Smelly popped a blood vessel. His muscles grew so thick that they tore open the costume, and he emerged out of his metaphoric shell as a superior fighter.

He let loose a flurry of powerful punches that far surpassed Nephrite's own strength.

Just when Nephrite thought he was done for, he remembered all the observations he had made during snail watching club.

"Aha!" realized Nephrite. "From the club, I learned that while snails are powerful, they're not very fast!"

Nephrite, knowing the anatomy of a snail, was able to easily evade Smelly's assault.

Then, when he reached the wall of the building, he leapt up and did a backflip over Smelly's head.

Before Smelly could even turn around, Nephrite delivered a merciless roundhouse kick to Smelly's luvgnio gland, and Smelly was no more.

"You did it!" cried Molly and Melvin, running up to Nephrite in awe.

"No," said Nephrite. "We did it."

"Horray!" they all cheered.

"HEY!" howled a Snail Con employee. "You killed snail idol Smelly! Unless someone is willing to take his spot, we're going to have to arrest you!"

"Uh oh," they all said. "Grandpa, tag in!"

But Grandpa was too busy flirting with some spry young snails.

"D'ah," said Nephrite.

"Wait!" said Motoki. "I'll do it! I love helping people!"

"Alright, have fun!" said Nephrite.

"Wait no, you supposed to stop me!" objected Motoki.

They put a snail costume on Motoki. "Aww shucks, that's what I get for stickin' my big ol' nose in everything!"

The fight with Smelly had actually lasted quite a while, and their appetites had built up. Melvin, Molly, and Nephy headed over to the cafeteria to eat the lunches Melvin had packed.

"Here's some cookies!" Melvin offered.

"Gee, thanks," said Nephrite. "You're not that bad of a guy after all." He threw the whole tray of cookies in his mouth and ate them in one chomp.

"Say, what's in these cookies anyway?" Nephrite asked.

"Shrimp!" said Melvin.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

His face puffed up and he started to die. "I'm… I'm allergic to shrimp!" he cried. "Who the Hell puts shrimp in cookies!?"

"I didn't know it would be a problem!" cried Melvin. "You put that you had no allergies on the permission slip, and your parents signed off on it!"

"HMMRrRMrmrrm," mumbled Nephrite, suffocating to death.

He died.

"Oh no!" cried Molly.

"It's okay," said Melvin. "I can tell you how that bridge was made!"

Molly started to sob.

"D'ah," said Melvin. "At least my snails got to have a good time!"


It had been a week since Kunzite had been living at Jed's place.

"Every day with you here is a like a dream," said Jadeite.

"More like a nightmare," sneered Kunzite. "I think I'm gonna go back home soon, Zoisite has probably calmed down."

Suddenly Kunzite's phone rang. "Hello?" he answered.

"Kunzite, this is bad," said Beryl. "Zoisite's gone bonkers for some reason, and I think he's after you. He's been lighting everything on fire. I asked Zoisite what was wrong, and he threw a crystal at me. I tried to dispose of him for his disrespect, but he was so mad my eternal sleep had no effect. This is starting to get out of hand. We have squads of Youmas trying to take him down, but he's still fighting!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"If I were you I'd get far away," warned Beryl.

Suddenly Jed's doorbell rang.

"OH BOY ANOTHER GUEST!" cried Jadeite. "TWO IN ONE WEEK, A NEW RECORD! I'M SO HAPPY I COULD DIE!"

"Jadeite, no!" exclaimed Kunzite.

Jadeite answered the door.

He was burnt to a crisp.

"KUUUUNZIIIIITE!" howled Zoisite.

"I can explain," said Kunzite.

"Ok," said Zoisite, giving him a chance.

"Well you see," said Kunzite. "Things are ever-changing, and-"

He leapt out Jed's window.

FIN