"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Good," said Beryl.


Jadeite sat down at the lunch table. "So guys," said Jed. "I got these four tickets to the water park!"

"Say no more," said Nephrite.


Zoisite was in a one piece. Jed was sporting bright red swim trunks. Maxfield Stanton was self-conscious, so he kept his shirt on. Kunzite wore a mankini.

"This is probably the one good thing Jadeite's ever done," said Zoisite.

"Gee thanks!" said Jed. "Wowee, look at that! A poster for couples' water battles! The winner get a free dinner, and melon bread!"

"WE HAVE TO ENTER!" howled Nephrite.

"Oh boy, oh boy!" said Jed. "Looks like Nephrite is going to have to carry me into battle!"

"As if," said Nephrite. He teleported Molly in.

"Hoy!" she said.

"Curses!" howled Jed. "Fine, then I'll have to teleport in a partner as well!"

Jadeite teleported in Grandpa. "Shit!" he cried. "I was trying for Rei! Teleport back, teleport back!"

"No," said Grandpa. "I came to win it!"

"This is fine and all, but we're going to get back to our Negaverse duties tomorrow, right?" asked Kunzite.

"Yeah, yeah, sure!" said Jed. "Last one in the pool is a rotten Beryl!"

They jumped into the pool.

Molly hopped on Nephrite's shoulders, and Zoisite hopped on Kunzite's shoulders.

"Whelp, I'm hopping on," said Jed, making sure he would not startle Grandpa.

"No, wait," said Grandpa. "I don't think I can take all your weight!"

Jadeite hopped on. He used Grandpa's enormous bulbous head to steady himself.

"I'm too short," said Grandpa. "I'm going under."

"Weeeeee!" said Jed.

Grandpa was drowning. He used all his strength to try to crawl out of the water with Jed on his back. But suddenly his back gave out halfway through, and he drowned.

"Grandpa?" asked Jadeite. "GRANDPA?!"

"Let the contest begin!" howled the announcer.

"WAIIIIT!" cried Jed. "My partner died!"

"Haha," said Zoisite. "Faster, Kunzite! We have to grab all the headbands!"

"Maybe we should grab some rainbow crystals?" asked Kunzite.

"Maybe someday. When I'm up for it. I'm too distracted right now!"

Nephrite charged as fast as he could at Kunzite and Zoisite.

"Slow down!" cried Molly. "I can't withstand this velocity!"

Nephrite didn't care. He was set on winning.

"Quick, grab their headband!" he shouted.

But Molly had died from the turbulence.

Nephrite collided with Kunzite, and Zoisite went flying out of the park.

Mamoru charged over with Motoki on his shoulders, and snatched both of their headbands. "Haha, there's no readmission at this park!"


"He was a good man," said Nephrite with his head down.

"Yep, RIPeroo," said Zoisite.

"We've been going to a lot of funerals this week," noted Kunzite. "Hey, wait a second, we don't have time for this! We have to take over the world!"

"How rude!" exclaimed Jadeite in tears. "Grandpa was my best friend. I loved him like a son."

"Grandpa was my grandpa," sobbed Rei.

"There, there," said Chad. "I'll be your grandpa!"

"Get off me," said Rei.

Kunzite checked his watch. "Damn, when will this end?! We need some action this episode!"

Suddenly, Beryl's image appeared. "All of you, report to me at once! I have an important task!"

"All of us?" asked Rei.

"No," said Beryl. "Scram, ya brat!"

"D'ah," said Rei. "Even at my Grandpa's funeral."

"Finally!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Some action! I hope Beryl has an exciting mission for us!"


"So where is the fight? Who we gonna scrap?!" asked Kunzite, hopping around and doing practice punches.

"There is none," said Zoisite, pushing a shopping cart. "Beryl needed a new flat screen TV because she didn't wear the safety strap on her Wii remote and it went flying into the screen."

"NOOO!" screamed Kunzite. "I can't take it anymore! Please tell me someone here is a hidden bad guy!"

"Aren't we the bad guys?" asked Jed.

"Not from our perspective," answered Kunzite. "Now come on, anyone, FIGHT ME!"

"Umm, sir," said a cashier. "No screaming in the store."

"Is that a challenge?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said the cashier.

"IT MUST BE A SAILOR SCOUT IN DISGUISE!"

Kunzite threw a wild punch. The cashier was dead before the punch even landed.

"D'ah, this is ridiculous!" shouted Kunzite. "I want drama! I want action! THIS IS JUST SLICE-OF-LIFE FILLER, THE WORST KIND! Even worse than non-canon filler, like the second Nehelenia arc! Or Alan and An!"

"Hey, I liked Alan and An," said Jadeite. "That was the last we got to see of Melvin!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" cried Zoisite.

"Yeah, we weren't there for that," agreed Nephrite.

Kunzite sighed. "You all just wouldn't understand."


"I'm so glad you went with me to the Summer Festival!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Yeah yeah," groaned Kunzite. "I'm just hoping something exciting will happen. We have to run into the Sailors eventually… It's so odd. I used to hate it when we ran into Sailors by coincidence, but now I miss it so much! I just want someone to tussle with me!"

"I'll tussle with you in bed," said Zoisite.

"Hey, none of that," said Kunzite.

Zoisite was in a yukata.

"Oh boy!" said Jed. "Let's go win a fish from that thing where you catch the fishies on the net!"

"Good idea," said Nephrite.

"Now let's think about this," said Kunzite. "Fish can live quite a long time, and-"

But they were already gone.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Zoisite."

"Quick, duck!" cried Zoisite.

"Huh? Is it an enemy?! Let me at em', LET ME AT EM'!"

"No, it's Sailor Venus!"

"OH BOY OH BOY!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"No, you don't understand!" said Zoisite. "If she saw us here together she'd get the wrong idea! She'd think that we're dating!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite. "We are dating!"

"No, no, she can't know! This is slice-of-life filler, there needs to be a love triangle!"

Suddenly, Zoisite spotted Beryl on the port bow. "NO!" Zoisite cried. "She'll get the wrong idea too! The dreaded love-square!"

"But she came just to hang out with me!" said Kunzite. "What do I do?!"

"We gotta get out of here!" cried Zoisite.

They ducked in the crowd and tried to scamper away.

"Hey, watch it!" yelled someone. Then the person got a better look at them.

"Ami!" cried Zoisite in shock. "NO!"

"Zoisite, what are you doing here?! And with Kunzite! You said you were too busy to hang out with me!"

"NO NO NO NON O!" exclaimed Zoisite. "The love pentagon is falling apart!"

"WHAT IS THIS!?" howled Kunzite. "This doesn't make any sense! Whatever genre this is, I don't like it!"

Kunzite was mad. Kunzite was furious.

He threw a wild punch into the crowd and killed half a dozen people. Then he stormed off, leaving Zoisite in a mess of slice-of-life explaining to do.


"This is the last straw! I will stand for no more slice-of-life filler!" proclaimed Kunzite. "It's all action from now on! If the fight won't come to me, then I'll just come to the fight!"

Jadeite was at the Nega-soda machine outside of Kunzite's castle, trying to get his dollar back.

Kunzite was peaking from behind the corner.

"I hit B5, not B6! I wanted the DIET Pepsi!" Jadeite howled. He threw punches at the machine but they had no effect. He started shaking it.

"Need a hand?" asked Kunzite.

"Aww yea!" said Jadeite.

"I'll give a hand. Or more precisely, a FIST!"

Kunzite threw his fist at Jadeite, and Jadeite was blown to bits.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "This won't do, I wanted an actual fight! But there are no opponents that are strong enough to face me!"

Kunzite paced around angrily for a moment. "I know. If they're not good enough to fight me, then I must go down to their level. I'll handicap myself to the point where it's a close match!"

Nephrite got a knock on his Earth door.

"Who is it?" he asked. "Wait, let me guess."

He was in for a shock when it was Kunzite himself instead of Zoisite.

"Oh, hey buddy!" Nephrite said faking happiness. "Wait, why are your hands tied behind your back? And why is there tape over your mouth?"

"Mrmrmm," mumbled Kunzite.

"What was that?" asked Nephrite.

Kunzite charged, and started throwing kicks.

Nephrite was holding his own for a couple seconds, but Kunzite overwhelmed him with his happy feet.

He left a footprint on Nephrite's face, and then he left a footprint on Nephrite's heart, and he died.

"Drat!" said Kunzite, taking the tape off his mouth. "He dropped like a stone. And he was the second strongest in the Negaverse!"

Kunzite went home.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "Are you feeling better after that little incident at the festival?"

"Oooooh," said Kunzite suddenly, an idea dawning on him.

Kunzite took out some rope and leapt on a nearby chair.

He tightly tied himself to the chair, restraining all movement. Then he put a blindfold over his eyes.

"Zoisite, fight me!" he howled.

"What?" said Zoisite. "No! Stop!"

Kunzite inched forward on the chair, following the sound of Zoisite's voice.

Zoisite was running away, but Kunzite was too fast.

Zoisite leapt on the stove, hoping to allude him, but he smelled Zoisite's perfume and threw a wild headbutt his way.

Zoisite flew back into the wall and fell to the ground. "Ouch!" he cried. "Cut that out!"

Kunzite tried to hop on top of Zoisite with the chair legs, but Zoisite was able to dodge, barely.

"Seriously, knock it off! This isn't funny!"

Kunzite threw another headbutt.

"Stooop!" cried Zoisite. "I'm gonna die!"

Zoisite finally realized he had to fight back if he was going to make it out alive.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but…!"

He shot a flurry of petals at Kunzite, but it only slowed him down.

Kunzite threw one last headbutt, and waited for a minute.

"Zoisite?" he asked, after he heard no movements. "Are you playing dead to try and escape our duel?"

After several more minutes, Kunzite slowly removed his blindfold. All that remained of Zoisite was a dead body.

"D'AH!" exclaimed Kunzite. "I was sure we would be evenly match with that kind of handicap. It's really a shame."


Kunzite covered himself with gasoline, and then lined up Jadeite, Beryl, and Evil Mamoru.

"Alright guys, when I light this match, you're all gonna come at me with everything you got!"

"Wait, what are you going to do with the match?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite lit himself on fire. "OUUUUCH!" he cried.

He threw a wild punch, taking out Jadeite.

Beryl ran for the hills.

Evil Mamoru tried to stay and fight. "He's on fire, I'm sure I can take him out!"

They flew up into the air, as Kunzite continued to burn. With one swift backhand, Mamoru was on the floor and out of commission.

Beryl kept running. Kunzite teleported in front of Beryl, and kicked her in the stomach. She was down for the count.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?" howled Kunzite. "UGH!"


"Ok, Zoisite, here you go."

Kunzite passed Zoisite the launch button for the nuclear missile strapped to his back.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "I don't want you to go out like this!"

"DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME!"

Kunzite charged.

Zoisite went to hit the button, but before he could press it Kunzite kicked his head right off.

Zoisite's headless body fell to the ground.

"WHEN WILL A WORTHY OPPONENT DUEL ME?!" Kunzite shouted to the heavens.

The stars heard his call, and passed it on to Nephrite.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I'm ready for a rematch. But I choose the terrain!"


Kunzite stepped on the surface of the sun.

"HEY!" he called to Nephrite. "Why don't you have to fight on a star?"

"Umm… home court advantage," explained Nephrite. "Alright, now, when I say go, we're both going to shoot projectiles at each other, and the last one standing wins!"

"Alright," said Kunzite confidently. "Finally, I may have met my match!"

Kunzite threw a blast, but Nephrite swiftly talked to the stars.

"Everything is ruled by the stars! Star that Kunzite is standing on, explode and turn into a black hole!"

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

The star exploded, and Kunzite was pulled into the black hole.

"I WIN!" howled Nephrite. "And just when Kunzite thought he wouldn't find someone his level!"

Just then there was a rumbling sound.

Kunzite strolled out of the black hole. "Is that all you got?"

"But- but I!" cried Nephrite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

Kunzite didn't even touch Nephrite to finish him off. Nephrite instantly evaporated before him as a result of his overwhelming power.

Kunzite sighed and flew back to Earth, desperate for an opponent.


"Now, what do you want me to do?" asked Motoki.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "I'm going to cut off my arms, which are the source of my power. Then I'm going to stab myself in the heart. I'll die in approximately ten seconds, so you just have to land a single hit!"

"I gotcha!" said Motoki.

"Alright, ready?" said Kunzite.

Motoki nodded.

Kunzite cut off his arms and Motoki passed out at the sight of blood.

"NO!" shouted Kunzite. Kunzite died from blood loss.

When he respawned he groaned.

Beryl was lying one of Metalia's hospital beds next to him.

"You gotta… you gotta stop this, Kunzite," she sputtered. "We can't take anymore!"

Kunzite turned to see the rest of the Negaverse and Motoki there as well.

"There may be one way to give me a good fight," thought Kunzite. He whispered the plan to Metalia.

"Are you sure?" asked Metalia. "If I fuse with someone like Nephrite, I'll be twice as strong."

"No no," said Kunzite. "That'd be too strong. Fuse with Beryl."

"K," said Metalia.

"Wait what?" said Beryl. "Don't I get a say in this-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Metalia turned Beryl into Super Beryl. The ceiling was too low so they stepped outside.

"Ok, give it your all!" shouted Kunzite

Super Beryl shot her special beam cannon.

Kunzite pulled out the Moon Wand and reflected it with ease, exterminating Super Beryl.

The blast flew back, and Jadeite was caught in the crossfire.

"EVERYTIME….!" He sobbed.

"He was a good man," sighed Nephrite.

"Riper-" began Zoisite.

But suddenly, the beam was reflected at an odd 45 degree angle. Zoisite and Nephrite were in the crossfire, and they were no more.

"I was a good man," said Nephrite as he died.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"Yikes, I better get outta here!" said Mamoru fleeing.

"Hey, take me with you!" called Motoki.

Motoki hopped on Mamoru's shoulders, but a polar bear took him back.

"NO!" said Motoki. The polar bear dispatched of Motoki.

Mamoru escaped with his life. "I regret nothing!"

Kunzite went back to Metalia's hospital, furious.

"I'm at the end of my wits here! When Metalia brings you guys back, I'm going to have you all merge!"

Kunzite waited for a few days.

"Wait a minute, I killed Metalia. Uh oh."

Kunzite, realizing that he was on his own now, jumped off a bridge.

He hit the water, but it was no match. He sat at the bottom of the river and sighed.

Finally he settled for going to the Gates of Hell and marching in on his own free will.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite.

"Hey bud!" said Jed. "Glad you could make it! You're just in time for Yahtzee!"

"Gosh darn it," said Nephrite. "Why did you kill us, you pest!? And Metalia!"

"Honestly, I'm better off," said Metalia. "At least now I can be a person!"

"Woowee!" said Jed. "You're a hotty!"

Metalia tried to kill Jed, but he was already dead.

"What am I doing in here?" asked Motoki.

"Huh?" said Beryl.

"I've only ever done good deeds!" Motoki sobbed. "This must be some kind of mistake!"

"Nope," said Satan. "It's called predestination. It's decided whether you're going to Hell or Heaven before you're even born!"

"Well that's shitty!" complained Motoki. "I donated $5,000 to charity!"

"Haha," said Satan.

"Now hold up," interrupted Kunzite. "I believe in everyone's power to choose their own destiny!"

"Oh, looks like we have a wise guy!" challenged Satan. "You wanna go, bigboy?"

Kunzite's eyes glimmered, and his heart beat 10,000 times a minute. "This is it! Finally! The duel I've been longing for ever since I learned what slice-of-life filler was!"

Kunzite put on his boxing mitts.

"Round one, and fight!" called Motoki, accepting his role in Hell.

"Hey guys," said Grandpa. "Remember how Jadeite killed me earlier?"

"Heh he," laughed Jed. "You were destined to end up here pretty soon anyway. I mean, you're like 800 years old…!"

Grandpa gasped. "I don't look a day over 700!"

Grandpa was mad. Grandpa was furious.

He charged Jadeite with all he had.

"Yikes!" said Jed. He leapt out of the way, and Nephrite received the blunt of the attack.

"Watch where you're going, old man!" shouted Nephrite in blind fury.

Motoki got mad and charged Grandpa. "I hate old coots!"

Zoisite saw Motoki as an easy target and went in for the kill. But he underestimated Motoki's anger, and Motoki reflected the attack, sending Zoisite flying into the middle of Satan and Kunzite's scrap.

Satan accidentally hit Zoisite with his hardest blow, and he used up all his strength that he could have used to fight Kunzite.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "Now the fight's in my favor again!"

Kunzite jumped in lava. "Alright, round 2 boyo!"

Satan jumped in the lava pit, but because he was Satan the lava had no effect on him. Thus, the score was once again evened out.

While this was going on, Grandpa dropped dead again.

"DAMN!" cried Jadeite. He began to sob. His tears flowed into the lava pit, drying up all the lava.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "JUST ONE GOOD FIGHT! THAT's ALL I WANTED!"

Suddenly Super Satan stepped in. "I'm here to pick up some geezer?"

Kunzite charged with all he had. Satan followed suit, joining in on the attack.

However, Super Satan was too strong. It came down to the final seconds of the match, and Kunzite died by just one hit.

"Dreams really do come true," said Kunzite as he dropped into Super Hell.

Satan died as well.


Kunzite awoke in Super Hell. "I'm a victorious man," he said happily.

"Hmph," said Super Satan. "Do you know why we call this place Super Hell?"

"Because it's for those who die in Hell?" Kunzite asked.

"No, it's because it's even worse than regular Hell!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "It can't be that bad…"

"It's 100% slice-of-life filler!" Super Satan cackled evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Kunzite.

"No one deserves this!" cried Satan.

FIN