"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"What is it?" asked Queen Beryl.
Jadeite thought for a moment. "Queen Beryl would never understand."
He left the room.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" howled Beryl. "Jadeite, get back here!"
But Jadeite didn't return.
He headed back to his space, but on the way he passed Nephrite at the soda machine.
"Jed!" howled Nephrite. "Just the person I was looking for!"
"Huh?" asked Jed. "Were you looking to take me to Smackdownville?"
"Not today," answered Nephrite. "I have some good plans for me and you tonight."
"Does it involve energy and new sources of it?" asked Jed giddily.
"No," said Neph.
Jadeite hung his head.
"It's even better," promised Nephy.
Jed started to catch a giddy again.
"Calm the giddy," said Nephrite. "You'll blow our cover!"
Jadeite lowered his giddy.
"Now here's the deal. We're gonna go on a panty raid!"
"A panty raid?!" gasped Jed. "You're talkin' about girls, right? Girl girls?"
"Ohhhhhhhhh yeah!" said Nephrite, picking up Jadeite's disposed gidd. "Raiding their dressers for their undergarments!"
"Hot diggity!" said Jadeite.
Nephrite thought for a moment. "Something's missing. We need a third member, or else it's awkward."
"Why?" asked Jed. "What's awkward about two men sharing underpants?"
Nephrite shook his head and they teleported to their good pal's house.
"Hey Zoi Boy!" said Nephy.
"Watch it," said Zoisite. "Why are you here?"
"Me and Jeddy are going to partake in a fun festivity tonight."
"I'm listening," said Zoisite, considering the catching of a gidd.
"We're going on a panty raid!" exclaimed Jed happily.
Zoisite frowned. "I don't think I'm interested," said Zoisite. "However, if it were a boxer raid we were talking about, then, mmmmmmmmmmm…."
Zoisite dazed off and Jed and Neph decided to move on.
"Let's go try Kunzite," suggested Jed.
"Na na na," said Nephrite. "I suspect we'll have the same results."
"What about that cool guy Grandpa?" asked Jadeite. "He was made for this kind of thing."
Nephrite pondered it. "Nah, he might lose control, and then there will be no stopping him."
"Then who?!" cried Jed. "Who's the next coolest guy we know?"
Nephrite frowned. "I didn't think I'd have to do this, but…"
Melvin heard a knock on his bedroom door.
He paused his online chess game and answered it. "Who's there?!"
"Hey bud," said Nephy.
Melvin gasped and hid behind his life-sized Sailor Moon cut-out.
"Relax," said Neph. "I'm not here to kill you… this time. Me and Jedd-o here were wondering if you wanted to accompany us on a panty raid."
"Oh boy!" said Melvin. "We're talkin' about girls, right? Girl girls?"
"Yes," said Nephrite. "Raiding their dressers for their undergarments."
"Mmmm," said Melvin. "That's something I can get behind. Who are you gonna hit first?"
"We're not sure yet," said Jed, looking at Nephy.
Nephrite shrugged. "Yeah, we actually don't know."
"Good thing you came to me!" said Melvin. "I've developed just the software for a conundrum like this!"
Melvin starting typing complex code into his computer.
Jadeite and Nephrite waited.
Melvin printed out a map from his black and white printer. "Aha!" he said. "It all makes so much sense!"
They teleported to Melvin's calculated location.
Nephrite spawned a ladder to the lady's window, and they started to climb.
"I hit here all the time!" lied Melvin.
"So cool," thought Nephrite. "I underestimated him."
Kunzite was getting ready to go work his night shift at the Nega Security Station.
"Goodbye Zoisite," he said. "I left a sandwich in the fridge."
"Thanks pal," said Zoisite.
"Np, Zoi Boy," replied Kunzite.
"D'ah, I'll let that one slide," said Zoisite. "But you know what other goofs called me that? Nephrite and Jeddo."
"Hmph," said Kunzite. "It took me three hours to come up with that one. Oh well."
"You know what else those goofs were up to?"
"No," said Kunzite. "I'm not very interested in the affairs of those bing bongs."
"Yeah me neither," lied Zoisite. He continued anyway. "They were going to do a panty raid! How immature!"
"Panty raid?" asked Kunzite. "You mean like girls, right? Girl girls?"
"I would assume," said Zoisite.
"Hmmm," said Kunzite. "I hope they don't cause any trouble. They've brought enough negative publicity to the Negaverse, we don't need any more."
The alarm on Kunzite's watch went off.
"8pm exactly! Gotta blast!"
Kunzite sprinted out at top speeds so he could clock in at exactly 8 o'clock.
Nephrite and Jadeite entered the room.
"Melvin?" asked Jadeite. "How's it going?"
Melvin was one fourth up the ladder in a hot sweat.
"My hands are slippery from anticipation!" he exclaimed. "This isn't safe anymore!"
Nephrite sighed and teleported him up.
Melvin sweated a puddle onto the lady's carpet.
Nephrite shook his head. "You'll get better at this every time we hit a new victim!"
Jadeite had already gotten to work looking for the panty drawer.
Melvin started to physically shake. "I… I don't know if I can do this!"
"Huh?" asked Nephrite. "What do you mean?"
"I…I….my…. my mom told me not to hang with bad crowds, such as you guys! I'm starting to get the heebie jeebies!"
"Oh, cut it out," scoffed Nephrite. "What are you, gay?"
"No!" cried Melvin.
"I found the drawer!" exclaimed Jed.
Melvin fainted.
When he woke up, Nephrite backhanded him. "Keep yourself together!" he shouted. "If you've already fainted once, what's gonna happen when you look at the panties?"
Melvin started to sob and drink milkshakes. He made a beeline towards the ladder.
"Goodbye!" he yelled.
"If you leave now, I'll kill you!" warned Nephrite.
Melvin leapt out the window.
Nephrite decided to give him a one week head start.
Melvin travelled the seven seas, not ready to die yet. He reached the South Pole, on the exact opposite side of the globe of Nephy.
"I should be safe here," he thought.
A week passed.
Nephrite teleported over to him.
"Uh oh," said Melv. "I better get in a good one-liner before I die!"
Nephrite finished off Melvin. "Easy does it," said Neph, stealing Melvin's stage.
He went back to Jed.
"Are we looking at these panties or not?" asked Jadeite, impatient.
"Yeah, yeah!" said Neph. "Let's see em'!"
They raided the drawer.
"Oooooh baby!" they both agreed.
"We hit the jackpot!" said Nephrite, holding up a pair.
"Wooweee mama!" said Jadeite. "I wonder whose these are, anyway?"
"Now then," said Kunzite, taking his post. "I better play back the tapes from earlier to make sure there was no monkey business before I got here!"
He started playing back the tapes.
"What's this?!" he cried, spotting Nephrite, Jadeite, and some nerdy kid he vaguely recognized climbing into Beryl's window.
"Why are they going into Beryl's house!?"
Suddenly Kunzite remembered a conversation from earlier.
"They were going to do a panty raid! How immature!" he recalled Zoisite saying.
"NO!" cried Kunzite. "I can't allow my queen's private clothing to be violated by these goons!"
He quickly teleported to Beryl's private quarters, hoping he wasn't too late.
"NO!" cried Kunzite as he spotted Jadeite rolling around in the underwear.
"What are you doing in Beryl's place?!" yelled Kunzite.
"This is Beryl's?!" asked Nephrite. "YUCK!"
"MMMMMM!" cried Jadeite, rolling more rapidly.
Kunzite backhanded Jed, and he came to his senses.
"Uh oh," said Jed. "We've done bad! Let's flee!"
"Oh no you don't!" yelled Kunzite. "And gimme that!" he shouted, grabbing the pair from Nephrite's hands.
Suddenly the light flicked on.
"KUUUUUUUUUUNZITE!" howled Beryl.
"Yes, my queen," said Kunzite.
"What are you doing here?!" she demanded. "And why are you holding my underwear!?"
"I was just stopping these knuckleheads from-"
He turned around. All that remained of Nephrite and Jadeite were outlines of where they once stood.
"Look at the outlines!" he cried.
Beryl looked but they faded too quickly.
"But I- but he- but they- but you!"
"I'm disappointed in you," said Beryl. "Frankly, if you had just confessed to wanting to see my underwear, I might have shown it to you. But sneaking in, and then lying and trying to blame it on poor innocent Jadeite and Nephrite? Pa-thetic!"
"Hey!" said Kunzite. "You stole that from me!"
"YOU LOOKED AT MY UNDERWEAR!" howled Beryl.
"No!" exclaimed Kunzite. He took a quick glance. "Hmm," he said curiously.
Beryl backhanded him all the way to Slug City.
Nephrite and Jadeite got back to Nephy's house.
"That was a close one," said Jed.
"That's what makes panty raids so exciting," said Neph. "Still, I can't believe that punk Melvin led us straight to Beryl's!"
"You win some you lose some," said Jadeite. "Personally I had a good time."
FIN
