"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Queen Beryl hacked right in Jed's face, drenching him in a coat of snot.
"Aww yuck!" cried Jadeite. But then he thought for a moment. "I'm never washing my face again!"
Queen Beryl slugged him.
"I'm never washing my face again!" he repeated.
Queen Beryl started choking.
"Oh no!" cried Jadeite. He started doing the Heimlich on her.
Beryl backhanded him to the floor and continued to choke to death.
"I'm not *COUGH* choking on anything in particular *COUGH* I'm just really sick!" she howled.
Jadeite continued to watch frantically as she coughed.
"Jadeite, give me your glove," she got out between hacks.
He tossed it to her, and she blew her nose in it and threw it away.
Jadeite took off his other glove because it didn't feel right wearing only one.
"What kind of cold do you have?" asked Jadeite. "A Negaflu, or a Negavirus?"
"How about a Negaslug?" asked Beryl.
"A Negawhat?" said Jadeite. "That's not in my Negadictionary."
Beryl went to slug Jed but doubled over in coughing. She fell to the floor in agony.
"Are you okay my queen?" asked Jed.
"Do I look okay?!" shrieked Beryl.
"I understand," said Jadeite. "I'll gather your best workers at once!"
Jadeite pulled the Beryl alarm and Kunzite appeared in an instant.
A few minutes later, Zoisite and Nephrite strolled in at a moderate speed.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked Nephy. "Is Beryl having another midlife crisis?"
"Not today," said Jadeite sadly. "She's deathly ill!"
"Pity," said Zoisite. "Well if you need me, I'll be in my castle."
"Not so fast!" howled Beryl.
"You're right," said Zoisite. "If you need me, you won't be able to find me."
"Don't sass me!" shouted Beryl. "Remember Zoisite, I control your fate-GYAAAAAHHH!"
Beryl started choking again.
Kunzite put a pillow under her head so she wouldn't convulse into the back of her chair.
Jadeite put a blanket on her.
"It's okay, m'Queen," promised Kunzite. "It sounds like you just have a common cold. We four will do everything we can to make sure you're comfortable until you get better! Right guys?"
Kunzite turned around, and all that remained of Nephrite and Zoisite were their shoes. They had sped away so quickly that they forgot them.
"Don't worry Beryl," said Jadeite. "I am here, your favorite Shitennou."
"Wait, hold up a second!" said Kunzite. "I wouldn't go that far. Clearly I'm the leader for a reason."
"HAHAHHAH," laughed Jadeite loudly. "That was just sheer luck. You probably cheated so your name was pulled out of the hat!"
"No!" lied Kunzite. "If she didn't like me the most, she wouldn't let me wear this cape!"
"That's just a tablecloth you stole from the Negakitchen!" shouted Jadeite.
"NO!" said Kunzite. "How did you know?!"
"Hmmhmm," laughed Jadeite. "If she didn't like me the most, she wouldn't have sent me out first!"
"Save the best for last," said Kunzite. "Everyone knows that."
"Endymion was last," reminded Jed.
"He doesn't count," said Kunzite. "He's not a Shitennou."
"Down boys down!" shouted Beryl.
"Oh yeah, you're still here!" remembered Jadeite. "What may I get you?"
"Could one of you grab me a glass of water?"
Kunzite and Jadeite sprinted for the kitchen.
Kunzite started pouring a glass, but Jadeite tackled him.
"Out of my way, wide-load!" shouted Jadeite.
"I'm not fat I'm big-boned!" said Kunzite. "Wait, I'm not even big-boned, you're just stupid!"
But Jadeite was gone.
"NO!" yelled Kunzite.
He charged Jadeite like the planes.
"Here you go, my queen," said Jadeite, about to hand the glass to Beryl.
Kunzite leapt at him and grabbed him by the feet, taking him to the floor.
The cup flew out of his hands and hit Beryl square in the chops. The water spilled all over her.
"AHHHHHHHH!" yelled Beryl. "Who is responsible for this?!"
"It was him!" said Jadeite pointing at Kunzite.
"It was him!" said Kunzite pointing at Jadeite.
"RRRrrRRR!" they both growled.
Nephrite and Zoisite sat down at the only open table in the Crown Arcade dining section.
Motoki's sister shot Zoisite a dirty look.
Zoisite gave her a thumb's up.
"Yeah, I'm a regular here," said Zoisite.
Nephrite turned away. "I don't like you."
"The feeling's mutual, buddy," said Zoisite.
"I have never bean your buddy, nor you mine!" shouted Nephrite.
"Whatever you say, pal."
"I have never bean your pal, nor you mine!"
"Wanna play Pinball?" asked Zoisite.
"Sure I have nothing better to do," said Nephy. "At least until Beryl recovers"
"Yeah that's one thing we have in common," agreed Zoisite. "We weren't hypnotized very well. We're actually quite disobedient!"
"It's astounding that we have any freewill at all," said Nephrite. "Let alone this much. What kind of moron is Metalia anyway?"
A huge blob at a nearby table narrowed its eyes at them.
"It's weird," said Zoisite. "It feels like someone is glaring daggers at us!"
They turned around and saw Metalia.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed.
They screamed for two minutes and finally calmed down.
"Why are you here?" they asked.
"Keep your voices down," said Metalia. "Beryl might be watching on her crystal ball."
"Damn!" said Beryl in the Negaverse staring into her crystal ball. "I thought I heard them for a second but I lost them. It's too bad I can't find Metalia, I wanted her run to the store and buy me some meds!"
"I brought you some soup!" said Jadeite.
Beryl took a sip. "Too cold," she said throwing it in his face.
"Hahaha, good thing that wasn't hotter," thought Jed retrospectively.
Kunzite took out his notepad and took notes. 10 minutes later he returned with soup.
"Don't worry," he said to her. "This soup is just right! Not a popsicle like that one guy's canned mishap!"
Queen Beryl took a sip. It burnt a hole right through her tongue and jaw and dripped onto the floor.
"YOUUUUUUUUUUUCH!" she yelled.
She hurled it at Kunzite but he ducked.
"I got some more soup for you, m'lady!" said Jadeite walking in. "I made it two degrees warmer!"
He was hit by the lava soup and burnt to a crisp.
"This is like the manga all over again," he said sadly.
"You were in the manga?" asked Kunzite. "I think I skipped that page."
"D'ah," said Jadeite. "What you say is true."
"Someone bring me tissues!" shouted Beryl.
Jadeite dashed to the local Walmart while Kunzite spawned a box.
"Here you go," he said. "This is why I'm your favorite, right?"
"Sure, whatever you say," said Beryl.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Kunzite. "Wait till that one guy hears about this! What was his name again?"
"What is this?" asked Beryl.
"Tissues, my queen," said Kunzite bowing.
"No no no," said Beryl. "These are no tissues. These are paper towels! They've scratched up my nose!"
"Oops!" said Kunzite.
Just then Jadeite came dashing in. "Here are your tissues!"
He tossed a box to Beryl.
She didn't catch it and it flew over her head and fell to the floor.
Kunzite quickly dashed and picked it up. "Here you are, tissues that I bought for you myself."
"HEY!" cried Jadeite. "Good thing I bought an extra box! Quick Beryl, take mine!"
He threw it and it missed again.
"A second box just in case, Queen!" said Kunzite, handing her the second box.
"NO!" said Jed. "Queen Beryl! Kunzite just stole those for me!"
Beryl blew her nose once and discarded of the tissue boxes.
"Thanks Kunzite. I appreciate the hard work."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. He had it up to here with this caped hooligan stealing his Beryl cred.
He threw a wild punch at Kunzite from behind, but it was reflected off his polished skin and flew back and punched Jadeite.
"Owowowow," said Jadeite.
"Queen Beryl," began Kunzite. "It has come to my attention that this lesser being has been slacking off and betraying the Negaverse."
"Go on," said Beryl.
"Can I wipe the ground with him?" Kunzite asked.
"HEY!" cried Jadeite. "I heard from a very reliable source that Kunzite uses humans to do his dirty work!"
"Which source?" asked Beryl uninterested.
"Endymion!" said Jadeite.
"OoOoOH!" said Beryl. "What else did he say? Did he say anything about me?"
"Uhh… yeah!" lied Jadeite. "He said… uh…you're very…urmmm…"
"He said you're beautiful!" shouted Kunzite.
"Nice try," said Beryl. "But everyone knows Endymion doesn't talk to the likes of you!"
Kunzite hung his head.
"Darn," he said to himself. "Even though I've just met this Jadeite fellow a day ago, he's turned out to be a formidable opponent!"
"What the hell?" asked Jadeite. "We raided the Moon Kingdom together!"
"I don't recall seeing you there," said Kunzite. "Were you in the back of the formation with the hypnotized humans?"
"Actually, I was standing right next to Sailor Earth!" lied Jadeite trying to sound cool.
"Hahahhaaha," Kunzite chuckled loudly. "Nice try adding your own OC's. But it's not going to make me interested in your story."
"D'ah," said Jed. "Sailor Earth is real though. Watch Season 5, she's there in the fine print! Only in the sub though, or else you won't see the fine print!"
"LIES!" shouted Kunzite. "Season 5 proves that she doesn't exist! Because Mamoru Chiba-"
Beryl perked up again. "What about Mamoru Chiba?"
"Never mind," said Kunzite. He didn't want to let his queen down when he didn't have any juicy info.
Kunzite had to think fast, because he was losing ground quickly.
"Here Beryl, I know just how to get your mind off the cold!"
He spawned a TV.
"No!" cried Jadeite. "If only I knew how to spawn complicated electronics!"
Kunzite teleported in a disc from his house. "Let's see, I'll put on a random episode of this good anime I watched the other day! Only the first season's good though."
He put on episode 46 of Sailor Moon.
Queen Beryl started watching quietly. "Yes, yes!" she said when Endymion kissed her hand. "No, no!" she cried when she got stabbed in the heart.
Metalia burst out of her pod and Beryl let out a shriek, as did the Beryl on the screen.
Super Beryl died.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl. "Turn it off, turn it off!"
Kunzite was floundering. He quickly switched it to a different random episode.
"Hmm, a flashback episode," said Beryl when he put on 44. "Not a productive use of time, but it could be interesting."
The flashback continued.
"Yes, yes!" she said when she asked Endymion to join her and rule the world. "No, no!" she cried when Serenity released the Silver Crystal.
"Metalia-sama!" cried Beryl on screen. "Metalia-sama!"
"Metalia-sama!" Beryl echoed in present. "Turn it offffff!"
"No, wait!" said Jed. "I think we should watch the end of the episode when a certain character dies! Spoiler alert, it's a gayboy!"
"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "Is it Zoisite? I sure hope so!"
"No no no," said Kunzite going to turn it off.
Suddenly it showed all the Shitennou being destroyed by the Silver Crystal.
Beryl started laughing hardily.
"Huh," said Kunzite, "I guess that Jadeite guy was there. Why are your arms stretched in a weird 140 degree angle?"
"I don't know," said Jed, having a traumatic flashback.
"Metalia-sama!" repeated dying Beryl.
"Why did I keep yelling that?" wondered Beryl. "Did I really think it would help?"
Kunzite turned off the TV. "Alright, that's enough."
"Come on!" insisted Jed. "Why don't we just watch a couple more minutes?"
"Don't make me turn on episode 13," threatened Kunzite.
"Can we watch episode 35?" asked Beryl. "There's a really funny scene in it!"
"I threw that one out," said Kunzite angrily.
"Why?" asked Beryl.
"Shut it," said Kunzite.
"HEY!" said Beryl. "Don't you question me!"
"Sorry my queen," apologized Kunzite quickly.
"He's not sorry!" said Jadeite. "I've never questioned you! Not once!"
"Hmm," said Beryl. "You two have seemed to have developed quite a rivalry. Rivalries are good, as long as you get work done!"
"Shit, work?" asked Kunzite. "I better call up some humans!"
"See what I mean?!" cried Jed. "Don't worry Beryl, I'll get you anything myself."
"Hey, you know what would make me feel better?" said Beryl. "Some energy!"
"Rmabumasdf…" mumbled Jadeite.
"What was that?" asked Kunzite.
"Kunzite is a loser!" shouted Jadeite.
Beryl narrowed her eyes. "This will never work. Kunzite and Endymion are already sworn rivals, and then Zoisite and Nephrite. Jadeite, you need your own rival!"
"I don't need one," promised Jadeite. "I'm the only one who doesn't get distracted from my loyalties to you!"
"Jadeite is a loser!" shouted Kunzite.
Beryl realized she wasn't even sick anymore.
"Listen, I appreciate you two's devotion, but I also appreciate Shitennou with backbone, like Nephrite!"
"Hey," said Kunzite. "Zoisite also disobeys you!"
"Yeah, but he's annoying when he does it. That's what makes episode 35 such a hooter!"
Kunzite went to slug Beryl but controlled himself. "I think I'm the better Shitennou, because I could actually wipe you out if I wanted to! But I don't!"
"That makes you the worst!" cried Beryl. "I hate having people stronger than me!"
"AHA!" said Jadeite. "You don't have to worry about that with ol' Jed."
"Yet," said Beryl. "You're not very useful in hand-to-hand combat."
"Just pick a winner already!" cried Kunzite.
Beryl looked back and forth between them.
"I choose…."
Jadeite crossed his fingers and jumped up and down.
Kunzite prayed to the seven holy Negagods.
"I choose… Endymion!"
Endymion came bursting through the door as confetti fell from the ceiling.
"NO!" cried Kunzite.
"NO!" cried Jadeite.
"This isn't my apartment," said Mamoru walking back out.
"I love a man that plays hard to get," said Beryl. "Hey, could you guys get me a cup of coffee?"
Jadeite and Kunzite ignored her and walked away.
"Eh, it's not as attractive when they do it," said Beryl.
FIN
