"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Here Jadeite, I have something to loan you. It's not mine, so I need it back," said Beryl.
She tossed Jadeite the Black Crystal.
"What's this?" he asked. "Is this one of those throwin' crystals that you and Zoisite use?"
He was about to throw the crystal over his head like a spear, but Beryl screeched incoherently.
"That's not a toy, Jadeite! You must use it to find the Silver Crystal!"
"Me?!" gasped Jadeite. "Find the Silver Crystal? That seems like more of a Nephrite job to me."
"Well, it was," said Beryl. "But Nephrite's love for a human girl interrupted the signal."
"What a wuss," said Jadeite.
"Watch it," warned Beryl. "Nephrite could destroy you with the flick of his wrist."
"I see," said Jadeite. He teleported away swiftly.
After he left, Nephrite and Zoisite teleported in at the same moment.
"Queen Beryl!" they cried. "Where is my crystal?!"
"Your crystal?!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"Yes," said Nephrite. "I made it."
"Oh," said Zoisite. "Oh yeah. Then why did Beryl give it to me like she made it? Especially after I took it from you and gave it to her first."
"Silence!" yelled Beryl. "I lent it to a friend."
"Oh boy," groaned Nephrite. "It better not be Jadeite."
"Uh oh," said Beryl.
Jadeite walked across a four lane highway in an overcoat.
"Guide me to the crystal, crystal!" he commanded.
He followed the blinking light at the tip of it.
"That means go this way, right? This isn't a compass, I'm not sure where it's pointing."
The cars swerved out of the way to not hit the guy wandering across the street not looking.
Jadeite stared intently at the crystal. "Is this thing on?"
He continued walking in a straight line to follow the light. He walked face first into a pole.
The crystal changed directions and pointed to the right, so Jadeite headed right and walked into a wall.
"Owowowowo," he said. "Is this crystal playin' a fast one on me?"
The crystal pointed backwards.
"Are you sure?" Jadeite asked.
The crystal nodded.
"Alright, if you say so!"
Jadeite headed backwards and tripped over a fire hydrant.
"Youch!" said Jadeite. "I should really look where I'm going!"
Just then, Nephrite and Zoisite appeared in front of Jadeite.
"Give me my crystal back!" yelled Nephrite.
"He means my crystal," said Zoisite. "Give it here."
Jadeite was conflicted. "Umm… ummm… Crystal, point me to your owner!"
The crystal pointed at Jadeite. Jadeite blushed. "See?" he said. "I'm only following Beryl's orders."
"There's no way you'll make it a day without losing it," said Nephrite. "Just fork it back over to someone more competent."
"I'm competent!" cried Jadeite. "Come on, you can trust me with it!" Jadeite insisted, extending his arms.
He accidentally dropped the crystal into a sewer grate.
"D'oh!" said Jadeite.
Nephrite and Zoisite dived for it, but it was too late.
They watched as the sewer water splashed below them and took the crystal downstream.
"Now look what you did!" yelled Nephrite.
"Can't you just make another one?" asked Jadeite. "I mean Zoisite spawns crystals all the time."
"It's not that simple!" shouted Nephrite. "There's only one, and there will only ever be one!"
"D'ah," said Jadeite with little remorse. "Looks like we'll have to go sewer diving. That's not much different from my normal dumpster diving!"
Nephrite and Zoisite frowned.
"Poor Jed," said Nephrite.
"Poor me!" said Zoisite. "I don't want to wreak like sewage, I just cleaned these boots! Oh, and my old nemeses the rats…"
Zoisite visibly shuttered.
"What's up with you and small critters?" asked Nephrite. "You can't take crows, you can't take rats… you call yourself a warrior?"
"No," said Zoisite. "I've never once called myself a warrior. I'm more of a tactical strategist. The brains of the Negaverse."
"If you're the brains then I must be the brawn!" said Nephrite.
Zoisite laughed. "Hahahah yeah right."
"If you guys are the brawns and the brains," said Jadeite. "Then the Negaverse must be some autistic chimp."
"WOAH!" they both gasped.
"We were just having fun with some light banter!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"I didn't know you had it in you, Jed," said Nephrite with pride.
"Let's just go get this over with," said Jed. He pulled the grate up and leapt down into the sewer water.
"You know there was a ladder, and a walkway," called Zoisite.
"Geronimo!" yelled Nephrite leaping in like a fool.
Zoisite climbed down the ladder shaking his head.
Kunzite sat on his throne sipping tea and playing Candy Crush Saga on his phone.
"mmm," he said. "I could go for some candy."
His game was interrupted by a text.
"Stall Beryl," it read.
"Y," replied Kunzite.
"We lost the BC, she will b mad!" Zoisite texted back.
"Smh," responded Kunzite.
"?" asked Zoisite.
"Shaking my head," typed Kunzite.
"Ah," said Zoisite. "GLHF."
Kunzite walked into Beryl's throne room.
"Queen Beryl, m'lady!" he said.
"Watch it," said Beryl. "Is this some kind of diversion?"
"Diversion?!" gasped Kunzite in indignation.
"Do I have to kill Zoisite?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Kunzite. "Want to see my new juggling tricks? I just watched this VCR tape of how to juggle in 30 minutes, and I'm starting to get the hang of it!"
"Mmm, okay," said Beryl. She tossed him some flaming torches. "Drop one and it's over for Zoisite," she warned.
Kunzite started to sweat.
Zoisite desperately shot his flashlight in all directions, looking for rats. "I won't let them get the jump on me this time!"
"Hey, why's this wall so soft and squishy?" asked Jadeite.
"Please tell me it's not mice," begged Zoisite.
"No worries," said Jadeite. "It's not mice, it's bats."
"no no n on o ONN OO!" said Zoisite speeding up.
They continued through the sewers.
"Umm… guys?" said Zoisite nervously.
"What is it now?" asked Nephrite.
"Do you feel like… something is breathing down your neck?"
"Now that you mention it," said Jadeite.
Zoisite slowly turned around and turned on his flashlight.
They found themselves face to face with none other than the devil himself.
"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.
The Shitennou all shrieked and held each other.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they cried.
"Relax, youngsters," laughed Grandpa. "Me and my pal Chad here are on our own search."
"Oh, it's just you, Grandpa," said Jadeite, calming down but not really. "What are you looking for anyway?"
"We don't have time for this," said Nephrite.
Grandpa shot him a glare that could have killed him if it was stronger.
Nephrite backed off.
"Well," continued Grandpa. "Chad and I flushed Rei's goldfish down the toilet because we thought it had died, and we didn't think she could bare seeing its dead carcass."
"And?" asked Jadeite.
"She told us that fish sleep upside-down. So now we're trying to find it."
"SHyyyaaaa yyyaaaaa braaah!" concluded Chad.
"I see," said Jadeite. "Well, good luck on the hunt!"
They slowly walked away while still facing Grandpa, and then took off in a sprint.
"That was a close one," panted Zoisite.
"I saw my whole life flash before my eyes," agreed Jed.
"Meh," said Nephrite. "I wasn't even a bit scared."
He was still as white as a sheet.
"Nephrite, you're still shaking," said Zoisite.
"Don't touch me!" cried Nephrite.
"I didn't," said Zoisite.
"Uh oh," said Nephrite.
They turned around and hesitantly turned on the flashlight.
"RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!" roared a giant mutant goldfish.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed.
They all took off running, but the goldfish now had front and hind legs. It sprinted after them like a horse at rapid accelerations.
They reached a fork in the road as they ran.
"Right or left?!" asked Jadeite.
"Which way do you think we should go, Zoisite?" asked Nephrite.
"Umm… ummm….!"
"I know!" said Jadeite. "Let's just ask the Black Crystal. Oh wait!"
"Right!" cried Zoisite suddenly.
They sprinted to the right.
They instantly reached a dead end.
"Good job Zoisite," said Nephrite.
"Can it!" cried Zoisite.
The giant mutant goldfish closed in on them.
"This is the end," said Jadeite. "I always loved you guys, some a little more than others…"
The goldfish licked its lips.
"Eat Nephrite first!" cried Zoisite. "He has the most meat on his bones!"
"You don't want me," said Nephrite. "I have diarrhea!"
"Yuck," said Jadeite. "Just eat me and get this over with. My expiration date isn't too far anyway."
Just as the goldfish started to put Jadeite in its mouth, Grandpa flew up and clubbed him on the head.
The goldfish passed out.
"Good job, Grampa!" said Chad.
"You weren't gonna do it, ya lil' ninny!" said Grandpa. "As for you three, grow some backbones! You were gonna be totally toasted had I not come along."
"I'm glad you did the right thing, Grandpa," said Jadeite.
"Yeah," said Zoisite. "You could have just waited five seconds to knock the fish out, so we could have got rid of Jadeite."
"Hmm," said Grandpa, reconsidering. "I'll remember that next time. So long!"
Grandpa got the front and Chad got the back of the fish, and they hauled it away.
"I can never get a read on that guy," said Nephrite.
"Sorry!" said Kunzite, moving his piece to knock over Beryl's. "See?" he said. "Isn't 'Sorry' a fun game?"
"I hate it!" shouted Beryl. "How can people on Earth play this?! They're even eviler than I am!"
"Aww come on," said Kunzite. "You're getting the hang of it!"
Beryl drew a card. "Back four spaces," she read out loud.
"Sorry," said Kunzite.
Beryl flipped the game board. "This is boring!" she shouted. "Where are the Shitennou with more personality?!"
"Ummm," said Kunzite. "I have a new game we can play! It's called, Rock Paper Scissors. You see, you can make three gestures with your hands, and-"
"I know how to play!" shouted Beryl.
"Ok, ready?" asked Kunzite. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"
He threw down a rock.
Beryl did not move.
"Gosh, Beryl," said Kunzite. "You said you knew how to play."
Beryl angrily threw down a paper.
"Easy," she said.
"Drat, spoiled again," said Kunzite.
Three days later…
They finally got to the end of the sewer, and left out of a pipe.
They were in a waste dump.
"Whelp, we didn't find the crystal," said Jadeite sadly.
"Wait, I see it!" exclaimed Zoisite. "At the top of that trash heap!"
"How did it end up there?" asked Nephrite.
"Who knows," said Jed. "Last one to the crystal's a rotten Beryl!"
He skipped up towards the crystal.
But Zoisite made an incredible leap over Jadeite, landing on top of the heap.
He held the crystal over his head. "HAHahahahah it's mine! After climbing through sewers for three days, I win! It was all worth it!"
Suddenly he was shot with a rose, and he toppled backwards, knocking over Jed and Nephrite and falling into a pile of garbage.
"Who?!" he demanded.
"I thought you'd be happy to see your old friend, Tuxedo Mask again!" said Tuxedo Mask.
But standing behind Tuxedo Mask was none other than the rest of the Mamoru Quartet, consisting of: Green sweater Mamoru Chiba, Prince Endymion, and last but certainly not least, the Hero of Arabia, the Moonlight Knight!
"You guys!" shouted Nephrite.
Tuxedo Mask picked up the crystal.
"mmmm," he said. "With this crystal, I'll finally be able to figure out if I'm Tuxedo Mask or not!"
"What is this, Australian rules?!" shouted Zoisite.
"Hahahaha," said Tuxedo. "What do you say, boys? Should we sick it to em'?
"I won't stand for this!" shouted Nephrite. He went to take out their strongest warrior, Prince Endymion, and threw a wild suckerpunch.
Prince Endymion flew backwards, but quickly rose to his feet. He walked up to Nephrite and socked him in the stomach. Nephrite retaliated with a powerful karate chop to his neck.
But Prince Endymion didn't let that one slide, and threw a powerful uppercut to Nephrite's jaw.
"Youch," said Nephrite rubbing his jaw. "Let's see how strong you really are post-Kunzite training!"
He backhanded Prince Endymion, and Prince Endymion reacted with his own backhand.
They began exchanging blows, and it looked like Nephrite had the upper-hand.
But suddenly, the Moonlight Knight wrapped himself around Nephrite, and yelled something in Arabic.
He blew himself up, and Nephrite collapsed to the ground.
The Moonlight Knight rose to his feet.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Alright, Jadeite, here's the plan! I'll get Mamoru Chiba base, and you take on the other three!"
"That doesn't sound very fair!" said Jadeite.
But Zoisite had already charged Mamoru Chiba.
He spawned a crystal and lunged at him. But Mamoru Chiba pulled out a completely non-magical rose from his pocket. He threw it at Zoisite.
"My face!" cried Zoisite. "You'll pay for this!"
He tackled Mamoru Chiba to the ground, and started throwing punches in an uncharacteristic display of aggression.
But Mamoru Chiba wasn't going to go down without a fight.
Meanwhile, the other three Mamoru forms surrounded Jadeite.
"This is gonna get ugly," said Jadeite. But then he smirked. "Not for me!"
He shot lightning out of his hands and flew up into the air. Tuxedo Mask jumped up as well. So did the others.
They played a dramatic air game of Ring around the Rosie, until finally Jadeite tackled his first victim, Tuxedo Mask.
He then immediately flew to the next one, and tackled the other two like connect-the-dots.
Prince Endymion was already weakened from the previous battle, so despite his Negapower, he went down without a fight.
Three roses – one red, one white, and one black – all floated to the surface of the water that was randomly by the dump.
Jadeite rose out of the water and fell to the ground.
"That was a tough fight," he admitted.
A couple seconds later, Zoisite walked up to him soaked in blood.
"That was a tough fight," he admitted. "But I finally came through and defeated Mamoru Chiba's human form."
"Good job," said Jadeite, but he didn't really mean it.
"Hey, where's the crystal?" asked Zoisite.
"D'ah," said Jadeite. He swam to the bottom of the ocean and retrieved it from Tuxedo Mask's corpse.
"Looks like we beat them!" said Jadeite, holding it up over his head.
Just then, he was hit by a two-dimension rose, and he dropped the crystal.
"How did you do this to me?!" he cried.
The hologram of future King Endymion strolled up and retrieved the Black Crystal.
He made a dash for the hills.
But Zoisite threw a crystal long range, and tripped holographic future King Endymion.
He hit the ground and faded from existence, because he was just a hologram.
Zoisite picked up the crystal and instantly teleported to the Negaverse. "I've learned my lesson at last," he said.
Jadeite dragged Nephrite's unconscious body to the North Pole.
Somehow they ended up entering at the same moment.
Kunzite continued applying red nail polish to Beryl's long inhuman fingernails.
"Watch it!" shouted Beryl. "Your hands are too unsteady!"
Kunzite accidentally bumped her one hand with his cape before the nail polish dried.
"NO!" she shouted. "That's it! Go get Zoisite, he knows how to do nail polish better. Wait a second, where has Zoisite been the past four days, anyway?"
"Sleeping!" screamed Kunzite.
"Is this your way of telling me you want Zoisite to have an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.
"No ma'am!" said Kunzite.
"Say," said Beryl. "Same goes for Jadeite and Nephrite. Where have they been?"
Kunzite was now dripping with sweat. "You want a massage, my queen?"
"Sure," she began. "No, wait, this isn't the time for that! What's going on?! Why are you trying to stall me?!"
"I… umm…. I'm… I'm pregnant!" shouted Kunzite.
"Lies!" screamed Beryl. "I bet the Shitennou goofed up again, didn't they?!"
"I need an adult!" cried Kunzite, choking.
"Ah, it's all very clear to me now," said Beryl. "They wanted you to stall me so I wouldn't realize their blunder while they fix it! But I'm tired of this game! I'm going to give you a stern warning, and then I'm going to kill Jadeite and Zoisite!"
"What about Nephrite?!" cried Kunzite.
"I'll give him a stern warning as well," threatened Beryl.
She stood up out of her throne.
That's when Kunzite knew she was serious.
"She's serious," he said to himself.
"Zoisite, Jadeite!" howled Beryl. "And also Nephrite but take your time! Report to me this instant or die!"
Just then, Nephrite, who had awaken by then, Zoisite, and Jadeite all marched in.
"Queen Beryl!" they exclaimed. "We got the Black Crystal!"
"You got the Silver Crystal?!" gasped Beryl in shock. "Just when I was about to kill you!"
"Ohhhhh, the Silver Crystal," remembered Jadeite. "That old thing! Well ya see, we didn't quite recover that yet, but we got the Black one!"
"I gave you the Black one!" screamed Beryl.
"Well actually," began Nephrite.
"I don't want to hear it!" said Beryl. "You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Who did you lose the Black Crystal to, anyway?"
"The sewers," said Jadeite.
"They why is Nephrite half-unconscious, Zoisite covered in blood, and Jadeite ultimately unscathed?"
"Well actually, my queen," said Jadeite. "We encountered a Grandpa and a giant mutant goldfish. And then we clashed with none other than the Mamoru Quartet!"
"The… the Mamoru Quartet?" sputtered Beryl. "You mean there's still four of them?"
"Yes," said Nephrite.
"New agenda, guys!" exclaimed Beryl, completely forgetting their past blunders. "I'll tell you what I want, but you probably already have a guess!"
The Shitennou sighed.
"I wish I could make a Black Crystal to find them," remarked Nephrite.
FIN
