"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Go for it," said Beryl.
"Sorry I can't," said Jadeite. "I'm joining the US Army."
"Huh?" said Beryl.
Jadeite ripped off his Shitennou uniform, revealing a military uniform beneath.
"I wrote the next ten weeks of new sources of energy on the whiteboard on the fridge. Tell Nephrite to take a look if he gets the chance. Farewell!"
A plane swooped down and shipped Jadeite off to boot camp.
While Jadeite sat on the plane, shaking with anticipation, a Skype notification popped up on his laptop.
"Call me," Nephrite messaged him.
Jadeite sent him a Skype call and he answered at once.
"Jadeite!" said Nephrite who turned on his video cam.
Jed turned on his so Nephrite wouldn't feel self-conscious.
Nephrite was too close to the camera.
"Jadeite, what are you doing joining the US Army?"
"Destiny called," said Jadeite. "All I did was answer."
"Hold on," said Nephrite. "Molly's calling, let me add her to the call."
"Nephroyt?" answered Molly. She was too close to the camera.
"Alright," said Jadeite. "Everyone move back a couple feet."
They didn't move.
"Uh oh," said Molly. "I think you're lagging, Jadeite. Where are you?"
"Above the Atlantic Ocean," explained Jadeite.
"D'ah," said Nephrite. "I heard there's bad reception out there."
"Hold on," said Molly. "Melvin's calling."
"Alright," said Jed. "I'll add him."
"NO!" cried Nephrite but it was too late.
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "Well golly, we got ourselves a little pow-wow here! Let me add my internet friends!"
"Okay," said Jadeite.
"Stop!" yelled Nephrite.
Zoisite and Kunzite joined the call, as well as Grandpa.
"Melvin, what do you want?" demanded Kunzite. "Oh hey Jed, I heard you joined the US Army!"
"Are we still up for a round of Club Parakeet?" asked Grandpa.
"Can it, Grandpa," said Kunzite. "I'm talking to Jed."
"Take a step back from the camera, Kunzite," suggested Jed.
Kunzite ignored him. "Why the US Army? Why not, like Japan's army?"
"Why not the North Pole army?" countered Jadeite. "When fate knocks on your door, you answer. 'Nuff said."
"Oh boy, Motoki came online!" exclaimed Melvin.
"Let's add him!" said Jed.
"N-O-O-O," lagged Nephrite. "I'm starting to get laggy! You're not supposed to have this many people in a video call!"
Jed started calling Motoki and everyone's box shrunk another couple inches.
"Hey there!" said Motoki. "Can I add my girlfriend Reika?"
"Okay," said Jadeite.
"Stop!" said Kunzite.
"Motoki-san?" asked Reika.
"I can't hear you," said Motoki. "How's Africa?"
Molly completely lagged out and Jadeite kicked her from the call.
"If you're kicking people, kick Grandpa!" insisted Nephrite. "He's not contributing anything to the conversation, he's just screen-sharing Club Parakeet!"
"No, no!" said Melvin. "I gotta see what's happening!"
Melvin's box had been shrunk to about 1x1cm.
"Jadeite!" began Zoisite. "I heard you joined the US Army!"
"Yes," said Jed. "We discussed this while you were in the call."
"Oh, my speakers weren't working," said Zoisite.
"This is just a grand time," said Motoki.
"Shit!" cried Grandpa. "I can't believe I lost that match!"
"It was close," said Melvin.
"Someone kick Grandpa!" yelled Nephrite. "His screen-share is taking up most of the Skype call!"
"I can't," said Jadeite.
"But you're the leader of the call!" said Kunzite.
"Not anymore," said Jadeite. "Somehow Grandpa's the call leader now!"
"Wait how did that happen?" asked Kunzite.
"Hey, I'm the leader?" asked Grandpa.
He kicked everyone but Melvin from the call.
Nephrite started a new one, but only added the other Shitennou.
Motoki started spam calling them and messaging them to be added. They had to block his Skype.
"So," said Nephrite. "Do you even have a reason?"
"Actually I do," said Jadeite. "It's all part of the plan! You see, when they make us do group activities such as running track, I'll pretend to be really weak and make the whole group have to repeat the activity! Then, the second time, I'll use my powers to complete it in an instant so that they know I was purposely doing bad to make them run extra laps!"
"You fiend!" shouted Kunzite. "You'll never get away with it!"
"Watch me," said Jadeite.
"No," said Nephrite. "You can't!"
"Watch me," said Jadeite.
"You don't understand," continued Nephrite. "If you do that, in the night while you're sleeping, they'll beat you with bars of soap in their pillow cases! I've seen too many documentaries on it… too many deaths."
"Hah, that's what I'm hoping for!" cackled Jadeite. He left the call.
There was some dead silence for a while and it got awkward.
Nephrite added one of his contacts to the call.
"Yo, who is this?" demanded Shingo. "What's up, D-bags?"
Zoisite and Kunzite left the call.
"Damn!" said Nephrite. "Now I'm stuck in a call with Shingo! What an unfortunate turn of events!"
Jadeite hopped off the plane and took in his surroundings.
"Mmm, boot camp! I haven't been to boot camp since the Silver Millennium!"
"Listen up, maggots!" shouted the sergeant.
"Quiet down," said Jadeite. "I'm trying to read a book."
"OHHHHHH, we got ourselves a wiseguy!" said the sergeant.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's why I'm trying to read, so I can get smarter."
The sergeant picked up his book and ripped in half. "What's your name, maggot?"
"You're going to have to pay for that book," stated Jadeite. "That was $20 at Barnes and Noble."
"FOOL!" screamed the sergeant. "Why didn't you just buy it at Walmart?!"
"You have a lot to learn," said Jed.
The sergeant took a swing at him, but Jadeite saw it coming a mile away.
The fist collided with Jadeite's rock hard cheek and the sergeant's bones shattered.
Jadeite chuckled. "I hope you were kidding."
All the soldiers gasped in awe.
The sergeant was steamed. "Go run 20 laps!" he told everyone. "If you're not done in 10 minutes, you'll have to run 20 more!"
Everyone took off.
Jadeite walked at a slow pace.
"Speed up!" yelled his comrades.
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "This is as fast as I can go!"
"Come on!" encouraged Kenji Tsukino, Usagi's father, who also joined the US military for reasons unknown. "You can do it!"
"I just can't," said Jadeite. "I'm at my limit!"
The ten minutes passed and they waited another 20 minutes for Jed to finish.
"I'm disappointed," said the sergeant.
"Come on!" insisted everyone. "We all finished except for that one weakling!"
"Sorry," said the sergeant. "You're all a team. So if one of you doesn't finish, you all don't finish. Another 20!"
Everyone scowled at Jed.
Then they looked at each other. They all made soap-like gestures, agreeing that that was the route that they would need to take.
Jed took off in a mad sprint and finished the next 20 laps in under 2 minutes.
"Gf," he said.
"WHAT GIVES?!" demanded Kenji. "That guy was just goofing off the first time!"
"Tee hee," said Jed. He scampered away.
"That's it," said the boys. "Time to teach this punk a lesson."
Jadeite went to bed early that night. His bunker mates waited for the sound of his snoring.
Then, they all got up and filled their pillow cases with hard bars of soap.
But this was exactly what Jed was waiting for. He readied himself to pounce.
Right when Kenji went to swing down his soap sack at Jed's exposed torso, Jadeite extended his arm and caught it.
"Huh?" cried Kenji.
Jadeite snatched the soap sack from Kenji's hand and started beating everyone down with the soap.
"How is he so strong?!" cried Kenji and the others.
Kenji was unable to recover and died shortly after.
Nearly everyone was killed.
The sergeant came dashing in with a pillow case made of stone and spikes, filled with one ton bars of soap.
"This ends now!" he stated.
"Come at me, pretty boy!" said Jed.
The sergeant was thrown off and paused, and Jadeite attacked.
It took one quick clobber to the head and another two directly into the heart for Jed to take down the sergeant.
The sergeant had been so tough that he wasn't one-shotted like the others, and in fact it took three whole shots for Jadeite to take him out.
"Easy does it," said Jadeite.
He teleported home.
"Hey guys, I did it," said Jadeite covered in blood.
"Good job," said Zoisite. "Did you drop the soap?"
"No," said Jadeite. "You wish."
"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Whelp, you're more extreme than we ever could have imagined. Keep it up at this rate and you'll get energy in no time!"
"Wow Zoisite, you really think I could get energy?" asked Jadeite.
"I mean, it's not impossible, but it's unlikely."
"I don't know what to say," said Jadeite, gushing. "Thank you."
That night, Jed waited for Nephrite to go to bed.
"Time to flip the cards!" said Jed with a wild smirk.
He creeped up on Nephrite and readied the soap bar in pillowcase.
"DIE!" he shouted, but Nephrite was waiting for this to happen.
Nephrite caught the pillowcase and took it from Jed's hands.
Jadeite teleported away, but Nephrite teleported right after him.
"No!" cried Jed. "How did you know I would go to my dark space?!"
"Just a lucky guess," said Nephrite. "It was a hard choice, here or Queen Beryl's throne room."
"D'ah," said Jed. But because he was in his own house if you could call it that, he was able to grab his own pillowcase. He threw his alarm clock in it and went out swinging.
"Let's dance!" he yelled.
Nephrite danced, and better. Jed was no more.
Nephrite contemplated on putting the jump on Kunzite, but decided to end on a win this chapter.
FIN
