"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Settle down," said Metalia.
"Okay," said Jadeite sitting in his seat at the meeting table.
"Now listen," said Metalia. "I've gathered you all here to announce some changes in staff."
"Here it comes!" said Jadeite. "Finally, my promotion!"
"Yeah right," scoffed Metalia.
"Oh boy!" said Nephrite. "My promotion!"
"In your dreams," scoffed Metalia.
"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "I'm taking Nephrite's job?"
"Everyone be quiet," said Metalia. "The new leader of the Negaverse is Grandpa."
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" cried everyone. "But why!?"
"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia.
Metalia walked away.
Grandpa and Chad strolled in. "Hello, friends!" said Grandpa.
Beryl hissed at him.
"Down girl, down!" said Grandpa. "That's no way to treat your boss! Now have no worries, guys. I'll be a great leader, and I'll lead you to that crystal in no time!"
"Why do I have my doubts?" asked Beryl.
"Can it boy," said Grandpa. "Do you want an eternal sleep?"
"Haha," laughed Jed.
Beryl gave him an eternal sleep.
Grandpa unthawed him with his supreme power.
"First order of business," said Grandpa. "This is my assistant, Chad. He will be supervising you closely and measuring your progress."
"SHYEAAAA YAAA!" agreed Chad.
"Any questions, I'll be in my throne," said Grandpa leaving.
"Wait!" said Beryl.
"Hmm?" said Pa.
"Nevermind," said Beryl.
Grandpa left.
"So what now?" asked Kunzite.
"Now, watch me cut this board in half!" said Chad.
Everyone fled.
Chad was enraged. He decided to take it out on the Shitennou.
The four were sitting in the Nega-cafeteria.
"What do you think about the new staff?" asked Nephrite.
"Hmm," said Jed. "I'm looking forward to a better future."
"I thought the Negaverse was goofy before!" said Zoisite. "Now we're just a straight up joke! This season needs real villains now, because we've just become the comedic relief!"
"D'ah," said Kunzite. "I never wanted to be comedic relief."
Suddenly Chad marched in. He sat down at their table.
They all watched him nervously.
Chad extended his hand and grabbed Kunzite's cheeseburger. He put it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.
Everyone looked at Kunzite.
Kunzite hesitated, but decided to go for it. "Hey!" said Kunzite.
"Hmm?" said Chad still chewing.
He reached over and grabbed Nephrite's soda and drank it all.
"I was drinking that," said Nephrite.
"Hmm?" said Chad.
Chad punched his chest. "Good meal."
He took Jadeite's tray and threw it in the trash.
"At least my meal's still intact!" said Zoisite.
Chad chopped his meal in half with his karate slice.
"NO!" said Zoisite. "You wanna go?!"
"Let it go," warned Kunzite. "He's our boss."
"But… but I!"
Chad laughed hardily.
"That's it!" said Jed. "I'm filing a complaint!"
"You'll have to file it on a staff abuse report and put it in the complaint box," Chad informed him.
"Fine, I will!" said Jadeite.
He picked up a form and filled it out. He stuck it in the box.
"Haha," said Jed. "Your days are numbered now."
Chad picked up the box. "Whelp, time to do my weekly complaint dump."
He gave the box to Grandpa who had just entered the café.
"Hey!" said Jed. "That was meant for Beryl!"
"Sorry," said Grandpa. "I'm Chad's manager, so all complaints on him go straight to me."
He took a once over Jadeite's report. He crumpled it up and ate it.
"Mmm, good report," he said. "But nothing that breaks the Negarules!"
"But it does!" insisted Kunzite, pulling out his Negarule book. "Read section 8, paragraph 2," he said turning to the page.
Grandpa took a once over and tore the page out. He crumpled it up and ate it.
"Mmm, good rule," he said. "But it doesn't exist anymore. Keep up the good work, Chad!"
Chad ate the rest of Kunzite's rulebook and went home.
"Oh Kunzite!" sobbed Zoisite. "I hate him so much!"
"Patience is the best option," said Kunzite.
"But Kunzite-sama! Chad will discipline us harshly!"
"Mmm," said Kunzite sadly. "There's nothing we can do at the moment. But I'll think of something!"
Chad warped in in front of them with a bag of popcorn.
"Is this Romeo and Juliet? If Juliet was a guy?"
Kunzite and Zoisite tried to flee but Chad appeared in front of them again.
"It's Romeo, not Homo-eo!"
"That doesn't even make sense!" cried Kunzite.
"10 minutes time out!" commanded Chad.
"NO!" cried Kunzite.
"You monster!" screamed Zoisite.
"That's it Zoisite," said Chad. "Drop and give me 40."
They were both disciplined harshly. After that, Kunzite and Zoisite both filled out staff abuse forms.
"Let's not put it in the box," said Kunzite. "We know where that ends up."
"Right," said Zoisite.
They were on their way to Metalia's lair, but at the door was Grandpa.
"Are those forms for me?"
"No," said Kunzite.
"Thanks," said Grandpa taking the forms. He skimmed them, and then put them in his mouth.
"Mmmm, tasty!"
"Drat!" said Kunzite. "But it's not over yet!"
Nephrite and Jadeite were hanging out in the Nega-computer lounge playing Club Parakeet.
"Aha!" said Jadeite. "One more level until I win the rare aquamarine Poofle!"
"Mmm," said Nephrite. "You can do it!"
Suddenly Chad walked in.
"Shyaaaa yaa braaah!" he said to them. He motioned for them to fork over the computers.
"What? No!" said Nephrite. "What reason do you have?! There are computers all around, you don't need these two!"
Chad unplugged the power source and all the computers turned off.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. He charged Chad wildly, but Chad ducked under his swing and put him in an eternal sleep.
"That's it!" said Nephrite. "I'm going to file a staff abuse report!"
"Mmm, I'm sorry," said Chad. "Good luck on that report!"
"Smug bastard," said Nephrite under his breath. "I'm gonna get this report to Metalia if it's the last thing I do!"
Nephrite dragged Jadeite's frozen crystal to Metalia's room.
Grandpa was blocking the way still.
Nephrite tried to slide under his legs, but Grandpa closed them, splitting him in half. The light faded and Nephrite died.
"Just as I planned, haha!" said Neph.
He awoke in Metalia's room after she had to revive him.
"Listen Metalia!" exclaimed Nephrite. "I got myself killed on purpose so I would be respawned in your chambers by you and I could file this report!"
But where Metalia should have been resting, was Grandpa.
"I have the revive powers now," said Grandpa. "And also, I'll be taking that report."
He didn't even look at it before eating it.
"You didn't even look at it!" shouted Nephrite.
"My assistant Chad already told me about it. Chad, could you come in here?"
Chad walked in with little signs of remorse.
"Yaa braaaa I didn't mean it," said Chad.
"Do you hear that?" said Grandpa. "He didn't mean it! I'll trust you to act mature and move on."
"But I-" began Nephrite.
"Can do!" said Chad.
"Now out you go!" said Grandpa to Nephrite.
Nephrite sighed. "Let's go Jed."
He dragged Jed out.
"This was the final straw," said Kunzite after getting out of a 30 minute time out. "It's clear now that Grandpa is covering for his lil' lover boy."
"Gay people make me sick," said Zoisite.
"But-" began Nephrite.
"Can it," said Zoisite. "It's time we report the source – Grandpa."
"Let's tell Beryl!" they declared.
They all marched up to Beryl's throne room.
But sitting on her throne was none other than Grandpa, with Chad on his lap like a cat.
"Hello boys," he said.
"Where is Beryl?" they demanded.
"She's not here," said Grandpa. "Can I take a message?"
"No," they said.
"Then get lost," said Grandpa.
They fled to Beryl's private quarters.
"BERYL!" they called.
"Yes," said Beryl. "What did I say about coming in my house?"
They took their shoes off.
"Good," said Beryl. "Now what seems to be the prob, boys?"
"Grandpa is covering for Chad, who is bullying us!" explained Jadeite.
"He is abusing his staff abilities!" added Nephrite.
"Hmm," said Beryl. "Did you try filing a report with Grandpa?"
"Yes!" said Kunzite. "But Grandpa isn't even looking at them anymore!"
"Try filling out a report on Grandpa himself then," suggested Beryl.
"We did!" said Zoisite. "That's why we came to you!"
"Sorry boys," said Beryl sadly. "Grandpa is several ranks above me now. I suggest you fill out a staff abuse report and then elevate it to Metalia."
"Grrr," said Kunzite. "Grandpa's blocking the entrance. But we'll try our best!"
Queen Beryl gave them the secret password to Metalia's hidden report box.
They dropped the report in.
"Oh, no, it's jammed!" cried Jadeite.
"PUSH IT IN!" screamed Zoisite.
But before they could get it in, Grandpa walked in and grabbed the report.
He went to put it in his mouth.
"Wait!" they all cried. "That's not a report on Chad!"
"Oh," said Grandpa, removing it from his tongue. "Then who is it about? Is it about that pest Beryl? It's about time she retired."
"No," said Kunzite. "It's a report to Metalia. About YOUUUUUUUUU!"
"NO!" cried Grandpa. He ate the report. "I'm sorry boys, but all reports about Grandpa go to Grandpa!"
The Shitennou all looked at each other.
Kunzite ran up and tackled Grandpa.
Nephrite got him in a full Nelson, and Jed threw punches at his exposed gut.
"YOUCH!" he yelled. "CHAD, TAG IN!"
Chad ran in, but the Shitennou were ready.
"Don't worry!" said Chad. "I'll save you like you saved me many times!"
Zoisite him over the head with a vase, knocking him unconscious.
"Shit," said Grandpa. "Time to go lobster!"
He started to transform, but it took so long that they were able to make a report to Metalia.
"Hmm," said Metalia.
Grandpa came running in. "I can explain!"
"Grandpa, you're demoted," said Metalia.
"NO!" said Grandpa. "Who did you demote me below?!"
"Jadeite," said Metalia.
"YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jed.
Grandpa nervously headed for his car.
"Where do you think you're going, dweeb?" asked the Shitennou.
Grandpa made a dash, and leapt in his car through the window.
It was filled with snails. "NO!" he yelled but floored it anyway.
He started gliding down a nearby hill, when suddenly there was a huge wall spawned in his way.
He slammed on the breaks, but there were none. In their place was a spatula.
"NOOOOOOOO!"
Grandpa died that very moment.
Chad heard what happened, and after a month of mourning filed a staff report.
He put it in the box, and Beryl caught it in her mouth.
"Nice try McFly," she said, and ate the report.
FIN
