"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite, please explain your behavior regarding Tuxedo Mask," said Beryl angrily.
"Huh?" asked Jadeite. "I don't know what you mean!"
"In episode 13," continued Beryl. "You pushed him into the ocean. And you said, and I quote, 'I'll send you to Hell along with them!'"
"But my Queen," said Jadeite. "He's the enemy! And also, that was in the sub. I'm a dub man myself."
"That's no excuse," said Beryl. "Ready to face your fate?"
"No," said Jadeite. "I'm not mortally injured so I'll just teleport away now!"
Jadeite teleported away.
"Drat!" said Beryl. "I should have just killed him and not explained. Who else can I kill?" she thought.
"Zoisite, please report to my throne room," said Beryl on the loudspeaker.
Zoisite walked in.
Beryl took him out in cold blood.
"Easy does it," she thought. She got up and left.
"Oh boy!" thought Nephrite. "Zoisite's dead and Jadeite's out of the picture! Looks like this is gonna be a Nephrite chapter!"
As per law of the chapter, he headed over to Molly's house.
"Mollllayyyyyy!" he said happily.
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin answering the door.
"Drat!" said Nephrite. "If that's the case then I don't need to see Molly today. Looks like this is gonna be a Kunzite chapter after all!"
But luck would have it that that night at 2AM, Nephrite got a call on his landline.
"Molllayyyyyyyy!" he said happily.
"Hidy ho," said Melvin.
Nephrite hung up but Melvin called back.
"Who gave you my number?" demanded Nephrite.
"Zoisite," answered Melvin.
"He's gone too far this time!" shouted Nephrite. "What do you want?"
"It's an emergency!" insisted Melvin. "I just realized! I left my glasses at Snail Con!"
"Yeah right," said Nephrite. "Sounds like an excuse to hang out with me."
"No," said Melvin. "Molly's coming along, and she insisted I bring you. Personally I would rather bring you around the back of the gym and teach you a thing or too!"
"Oh, we can do that!" said Nephrite eagerly, taking out his ten foot sword.
"Actually on second thought," said Melvin when he heard metal clang against the receiver. "I think you should just come! We don't have anyone to drive us!"
"But I saw you wearing your glasses just this morning!"
"Amateur," scoffed Melvin. "Those are my distance glasses. You can tell because they're only three feet thick. The ones at Snail Con were my reading glasses! A good 14 feet thick!"
Nephrite sighed. He didn't want to drive Melvin to Snail Con at 2AM again, but he also didn't want the poor kid to not be able to read.
"Alright, I'm coming over, but make sure to gather the crew," said Nephrite.
It was 3AM by the time Nephrite teleported his car over there. He beeped his horn, and out came Kenji.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Aren't you Sailor Moon's father?"
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. He hopped in.
Melvin pranced out next with a bag three times his size.
"He's a strong boy," thought Nephrite.
Then he realized something. "Hey, I thought we're just going to retrieve your glasses!"
"Yes," said Melvin. "This is all my asthma medication, along with my inhaler!"
"Loser," said Nephrite.
Melvin gasped. "It's behavior like that that caused Molly to sleep in tonight!"
"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite. "That's the whole reason I came!"
"Tsk tsk," said Kenji. "She's way too young for you! You should go out with that Zoisite guy! He's a handsome young lad."
"SHUT UP!" shouted Nephrite, overly angrily. "How do you know about any of this?! Why are you here?!"
'Ho ho ho," said Kenji.
Nephrite groaned. "I really hope this guy isn't going to be a recurring character. He's so irrelevant and has little personality! I guess the same goes for Motoki though…"
"Heya!" said Motoki. "Are we ready to go?"
"Ah no," said Nephrite. "Alright, how many more of you are there?"
"You said to gather the crew!" reminded Melvin.
"I meant just Molly and Grandpa!" sighed Nephrite. "Not all these randoms!"
Shingo hopped in. "Who you calling random, buttmunch?"
Nephrite had no reason not to kill Shingo, so he did.
Crane Machine hopped on his corpse.
"Who are you, and why are you here?" asked Nephrite.
"Yo," said Crane Machine Joe. "You and I have the same enemies. Plus I have loads of personality to offer!"
Last to show up was none other than Grandpa. "A party's not a party without G-Pa_245."
"Sorry," said Nephrite. "All the seats are filled. I'm not sure why these goons are coming; I thought we were just picking up some glasses from the building where Snail Con was held since it's certainly over by now!"
"I can squeeze in," promised Grandpa, trying to hop on Motoki's lap.
Nephrite threw him out of the car. "I'll have none of that in my Ferrari!"
"Drat," said Grandpa. "Spoiled again. Where can I sit if you won't let me sit on Motoki?"
Nephrite strapped Grandpa to the roof the car.
"Perfect," said Grandpa giving a thumb's up.
"That SHOULD be everyone," said Nephrite exhausted. "The only person that could fit in would be a kitten, a baby one at that, so I think I'm safe from any more stragglers…"
Baby Cat Diana leapt into the vehicle. Nephrite went to grab her and throw her away but he couldn't find her under all Melvin's bags.
"D'ah, that little rat! I'll get her next time!"
Nephrite drove off.
Two blocks down the street, a hitch-hiker jumped in front of their car.
Nephrite didn't stop, but when the car collided with the hiker, the car stopped in its tracks.
"What gives?!" demanded Nephrite. "You should be dead, fool!"
"That's where you're wrong," said base-form Taiki. "For even in my human form I can stop an oncoming car!"
"I'll need to fact-check that one," said Melvin, trying to find his Macbook Pro.
"What do you want?" groaned Nephrite.
"Let me hitch a ride, bigboy," said Taik.
"Sorry," said Nephrite. "There's no way that forehead is fitting in this car. Even if it was empty."
"Harsh words," said Taiki. "Looks like I'll have to chop it off and wait for it to regrow in a couple days."
Taiki chopped off his forehead and leapt in.
"It's getting a little crowded in here!" laughed Motoki.
Then he got elbowed in the face by Crane Machine Joe. "Sorry man," said Crane Machine. "I have spasms sometimes these days."
"Hey we all do," chuckled Kenji, who was sitting in the passenger seat. "Too bad my son died. Oh well you win some you lose some. Ho ho ho."
Nephrite considered putting a brick on the gas pedal and leaping out, but he just waxed his car.
"That was an expensive $20 wax," he thought. "I can't let it go to waste."
Finally they reached Snail Con.
"That was an excruciating car ride," he stated.
He leapt out, but the back doors didn't open.
"What's the hold up?" demanded Nephrite.
"We can't open the door!" they yelled. "We're too squished back here!"
"Shame," said Nephrite. "I'll just go grab the glasses."
But Kenji was defiant and opened the door.
"Grrr," said Nephrite.
Everyone piled out like sand.
Diana was crushed in the ruckus.
"Oh no!" cried Melvin. "We'll have to hold a funeral!"
"We didn't even hold one for Shingo!" protested Kenji.
"It's always about Shingo!" shouted Crane Machine Joe.
"He was my son," said Kenji sadly.
"It's okay," said Taiki. "I once lost something dear to me too, and I'm not talking about my planet or my race! I once had to cut off my forehead to fit in a car!"
"We should all treat Taiki better," thought Grandpa. "He goes through a lot."
Nephrite was already inside. The rest had to scramble to catch up.
"Hello," said Nephrite to the janitor opening shop for the morning (It was now about 5AM.)
"Heyo," said the janitor. "The center's staff doesn't get here until 8, you'll have to wait till then."
"No," said Nephrite. "Tell me where lost-and-found is."
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to wait until staff gets here!"
Nephrite picked up the janitor by his throat.
"Tell me where the lost-and-found is," he repeated.
"You'll… have to wait… till staff gets here," said the janitor with his dying breath.
Nephrite threw him into a tree.
"Well guys, looks like we have to find it on our own."
After wandering aimlessly through the huge complex as one main group, they decided to split up.
"Alright," said Nephrite. "Here are the groups: Motoki and Kenji, Melvin and Crane Machine Joe, Grandpa and Taiki, and I'm a lone ranger."
"Aww," said Grandpa. "Do I have to be with this queerboy? Can I be with Chad instead?"
"Chad's not here," said Nephrite.
Grandpa reached in his luggage and pulled a Chad out of his suitcase. "That's where you're wrong."
"This isn't good," thought Nephrite. "Now we have an even number!"
"Whelp, I guess there will be a group of three!" said Nephrite.
"I'm sorry," said Motoki. "But I can't allow that!"
"Oh I know," said Melvin. "Chad can be in Shingo's group!"
"Shingo is dead!" cried Kenji.
"Haha," said Melvin. "Oh, Nephrite, you're alone! You can go with Chad!"
"No!" said Nephrite. "Why do you care if there's a group of three?!"
"I can't in all good conscious allow there to be more than two people in a group," stated Motoki. "I would never be able to live with myself."
"Hey I know what we can do!" said Nephrite. "Kill Motoki, so Chad could go with his partner!"
Motoki nodded. "That sounds like the most logical… hey wait a minute!"
But Nephrite didn't wait a minute. Motoki tried to run, but Nephrite disposed of him.
"Alright," said Nephrite. "Here are the new teams: Melvin and Kenji, Grandpa and Joe, Chad and Taiki, and once again, me alone."
"Hey!" said Melvin. "Why'd you switch em' up?! I liked my old partner!"
"Don't worry, my boy," said Kenji, patting Melvin on the head. "You'll come to like me too. Ho ho! Now do you know my daughter Usagi? You'd be perfect for her!"
Melvin turned into a puddle and fainted with joy.
Nephrite headed off on his own.
"Alright Melvin, let's go," said Kenji dragging him along.
The other groups went their separate ways.
"Oh look," said Nephrite. "There was a sign on this door right here, we must have missed it when we walked by!"
He broke into the lost-and-found and pocketed Melvin's spectacles. He found an iPod Touch and took it too.
"Darn, now I'll have to go find all the others."
"HEY GUYS!" Nephrite shouted. "I FOUND THE GLASSES! LET'S GO!"
No one answered his call.
"Wait a minute," said Nephrite. "Goodbye!"
He teleported home.
Nephrite put the glasses on his counter to return to Melvin later.
He sat on his best chair and contemplated why he put up with any of that.
"I think we're headed in the right direction!" said Kenji encouragingly.
"I have a bad feeling," said Melvin. "Like we're suddenly in immense danger!"
"Ho ho ho, my boy," said Kenji. "You have no need to worry, I will defend you from any dangers!"
Suddenly they heard the door fly open, and a pack of wild dogs snuck in since they left the door unlocked.
Kenji picked up a broom. "Alright, make my day, bigboys!" he shouted.
Kenji was eaten alive.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Melvin. His knee rattling attracted the pups and he was consumed as well.
The woofers followed the scent of Taiki's recently trimmed forehead and ate him as well, making quick work of Chad on the way out.
"I sense a dark presence," thought Grandpa. "Joe, be on guard!"
But he turned around and Joe was no more.
The dogs however were full and also in need of cuddles.
They laid on the floor and let Grandpa scratch their tummies.
"Good boys," said Grandpa. "Very good boys."
They decided to let Grandpa live.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kunzite. "I heard the words 'Kunzite chapter' mentioned somewhere! Is it true? I've waited too long for this!"
But Beryl wasn't there as she would have been if it was his chapter.
"NO!" said Kunzite.
FIN
