"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Beryl pulled out a pistol and shot herself.
"Alrighty," said Jed. "I'll just go get ice cream with my good pals Nephrite and Zoisite. And Kunzite if he wants to come."
Kunzite didn't want to come.
Nephrite, Zoisite, and Jed headed down to the local Dairy Queen.
"What are you gonna order?" Jadeite asked them.
"I don't know yet," said Nephrite. "But I will come up with something."
"I'll get my traditional vanilla cone with nothing on it," said Zoisite.
"Ah, interesting choices," said Jadeite. "You know what I'm going to get? Chocolate dip, and then cherry dip on top of the chocolate dip! I call it the Double Dip!"
Zoisite and Nephrite stopped in their tracks.
"No Jadeite, you can't."
"Why not?" asked Jed.
"This is a double dip free Dairy Queen. It's strictly prohibited."
"Nonsense!" scoffed Jed. "What's the worst that could happen? If they say no, we'll just go somewhere else."
"Jadeite, you don't realize the consequence of your actions!" shouted Nephrite.
"You have a lot to learn, Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite.
They had now reached the line. When they got to the front, they placed their orders.
"I'll get a chocolate cone with chocolate sprinkles," ordered Nephrite.
"K," said the worker.
"I'll get a vanilla cone with nothing on it," said Zoisite.
"K," said the worker.
"As for me," began Jadeite. "I'll take a vanilla cone, double dipped."
The worker's face turned pale. "What… what did you say?!" he asked.
"I'll take chocolate and cherry dipped," explained Jadeite.
"Ah, I see," said the worker. "One moment please."
He took off in a mad sprint.
"That was odd," thought Jadeite. "Maybe one of their machines is down."
The worker ran to the back of the store and punched open a glass case with his bare hand.
"Ouch!" he cried. He was severely wounded, but he still slammed down on the button.
Moments later, a black car pulled up, and two men in black suits leapt out and threw a sack over Jed's head.
They then proceeded to knock him to the floor and beat him down as Zoisite and Nephrite ate their ice cream and watched.
They made no efforts to help him.
After he got a sufficient beatdown, the men in black hauled him into the car and drove away.
"Wow," said Nephrite.
"Riperoo," said Zoisite.
Two days later, Jadeite came to.
He was in an empty room with nothing but a table and a single lightbulb on the ceiling that was occasionally flickering.
"What's going on?!" he thought.
An interrogator stepped forward and slammed his hand on the table.
"You have a lot of nerve!" he shouted in Jed's ear. "Do you think this is all some kind of joke?!" he howled.
"I… I just wanted some ice cream!" cried Jed.
"That's what they all say. We don't have that kind of filth in this town."
"You don't understand!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I just wanted them to dip it in the chocolate, let it dry, and then dip it in the cherry! Easy does it!"
The interrogator backhanded him and started to sputter. "Easy does it?! EASY DOES IT?!"
Jadeite was confused and afraid.
"You make me sick!" shouted the guy. "If this interrogation wasn't being watched through that camera, you'd be getting choked to death by my bare hands!"
"But why?!" demanded Jadeite.
He received another backhand.
"I ask the questions here! Why did you ask for a Double Dip?!"
"I don't know!" cried Jed. "It just sounded cool and I wanted to try it!"
"You wanted to try it," the guy stated, shaking his head. He looked at the camera. "Hey guys, he just wanted to try it!"
"Exactly," said Jadeite.
He punched Jadeite in the face.
Two cops dashed in and hauled the interrogator out as he tried to lunge across the table to grab Jadeite.
Four minutes later, a new guy came in.
"Phew," said Jadeite. "Please tell me you're the good cop."
"No," said the guy. "That last one was the good cop."
Jadeite knew he was finished.
A week later, Jadeite was driven out into the desert, beaten again, and left in the sand.
He teleported back to the Negaverse.
"Queen Beryl!" he cried. "Oh right she killed herself. I guess Metalia didn't get around to respawning her yet."
He headed to the Nega Café.
"Guys, you'll never believe what just happened!"
"You're alive?!" asked Nephrite.
"You lucky son of a gun," said Kunzite.
"How'd you know about that?" Jed asked him.
"How could I not know?" exclaimed Kunzite. "It's on the news. On every station, actually!"
Jadeite looked over at the café TV.
The headline read, "Local Man Double Dips!" and it showed footage of him getting hauled in by the men in black as Nephrite and Zoisite watched.
"That reminds me," said Jadeite. "Why didn't you help me?!"
"There's nothing we could have done!" said Nephrite.
"But look on the bright side," said Zoisite. "At least you're famous now! There's a line of action figures being sold of you. There's even one of me and Nephrite, the accomplices and apathetic bystanders!"
"Wowee," said Jed. "But I can't let it end like this. I still haven't tasted a double dip!"
"You're a madman!" cried Kunzite. "You'll never get away with it! How about I turn you in myself, right now?"
"No way!" said Jed. He left.
"That poor boy," said Zoisite. "He's like a candle flickering in the wind."
"I admire his bravery," stated Nephrite. "Something you'd never understand, Zoisite."
"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Bravery is one thing, but only a complete idiot would try to double dip twice!"
Jadeite returned to the same Dairy Queen.
The crowd all watched in awe, and everyone in line stepped aside as he approached the counter.
The staff eyed the emergency button.
"Hello," said Jadeite. "There's no need to worry. I just want a chocolate dip cone."
Everyone let out a sigh of relief.
They handed Jadeite his cone and he went on his way.
"Hey!" cried a child. "Can I have your autograph on my Double Dip Jed action figure?"
"Sure, Shingo!" said Jadeite. He signed the figure, "Jadeite, the man who double dipped."
"I'll cherish this forever!" sobbed Shingo.
Jadeite teleported all the way across the world to an American branch of Dairy Queen.
"I'm sure the news hasn't even reached here," he considered.
He stepped up to the worker.
"Hi, would you dip this cone in cherry dip please? I'll pay you any amount of money."
"Umm, but sir!" said the worker. "That cone is already dipped in chocolate!"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "I want you to double dip it for me please."
"I see," said the worker.
He dashed towards the button, and Jed tried to stop him.
He pressed the button anyway.
Jadeite took to the streets running. The world held its breath as a car pulled up and two men in black jumped out.
"No!" shouted Jadeite. He was prepared this time, and threw his ice cream wildly, blinding one of them.
But the other one got him in a full nelson. Once the one with the ice cream in his face recovered, he threw punches at Jadeite's exposed torso until he was unconscious.
They hauled him off, and everyone was able to go back to living their lives.
Jadeite awoke in the desert again. "Whelp, looks like third time will have to be the charm!"
He teleported to a local grocery store. He purchased a box of vanilla ice cream, some ice cream cones, cherry dip, and chocolate dip.
He returned to the Negaverse.
He ran into his room and made sure the door was triple chain-locked.
"Now, let's get down to business."
He prepared the dips, and then dipped his cone in chocolate.
Once it dried, he lowered it towards the cherry dip.
"Almost there….!"
His door was busted down, and twelve men in black dashed inside.
Jed tried one last effort to put it in the cherry dip, but a man lunged on top of the table and took the blow, dying.
"Poor Timmy!" cried one of the men in black. "He sacrificed his life for our mission! His death won't be in vain!"
Jed went for the cherry dip that was on the floor now. "Why can't I do this in my own home?!"
But they tackled him to the floor and beat him unconscious.
They hauled him all the way out of the Negaverse.
On the way out they passed Nephrite and Zoisite at the soda machine.
"That poor guy," said Nephrite.
"Riperoo," said Zoisite.
FIN
