"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Where have you been for the past two years? You just stopped reporting to me! The first year I thought you'd come back any day, and the second year I called you every single day to get you back, but no one answered. What happened?!"
"Aww I'm sorry," said Jed. "Some things came up."
Beryl waited for an explanation but there was none.
"So anyway, the humans have this emotion called love, and-"
"Jadeite don't just act like nothing happened!" shouted Beryl.
"Look Queen, what do you want me to say?" asked Jadeite finally. "I couldn't tell you what happened, even if I wanted to. Can't you just let bygones be bygones?"
"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.
"It's good to be back," said Jadeite.
Suddenly Kenji ran in. "Queen Beryl!"
"Not now Kenji," said Beryl.
Nephrite and Zoisite came running seconds later. "Hey, stop him!" they yelled. "This is our slot to come in!"
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. He teleported away for the rest of the chapter.
"Now that we have encountered Kenji things will never be the same" explained Beryl.
Nephrite and Zoisite were mad but they didn't know how to express this anger.
"Anyway boys," began Beryl "I have another date to attend to so I'll trust Kunzite to hold the fort while I am gone."
"Um, about that." said Zoisite
"Yes. I know as well as you that Kunzite is gone and there is no bringing him back."
"No not about that," explained Zoisite "You've been going on dates with that guy you met on the internet for two weeks now and we still haven't met him."
"Yea! How do we know you're not just going to the frozen yogurt shop and eating ice cream and you've just been lying to sound cool!" asked Nephrite.
"Wait, Beryl is e-dating someone?" asked Jadeite
"Yes, Jadeite. You haven't heard because you have been MIA for two years. Also Kunzite died."
"Drat."
"Why would I take him to show you? Just like men don't like girls with kids I'm sure they don't like girls with stupid goofballs!"
"Hey!" howled Jadeite. "I am no goofball!"
"Yes you are" said Nephrite
"Do you want a piece of me?" asked Jed
"Yes put em up"
"Let's double team em, aye Zoisite?"
"My pleasure!"
Beryl used this opportunity while they were distracted to make her escape.
Two seconds later they realized Beryl was gone.
"Where'd Beryl go?" they wondered.
They decided that it was time they trailed Beryl and saw who this guy really is.
Halfway down the hall they encountered Motoki at the soda machine.
"Heya!" hollered Motoki.
"Shhh you'll blow our cover!" barked Nephrite.
"Oh boy!" howled Motoki. "What goofy antics are you youngsters up to this time?"
"We're older than you," explained Zoisite.
"Hey! Age is just a number! So why are YOU FOLLOWING BERYL" he screamed at the top of his lungs.
Beryl turned around and they all hid behind the soda machine.
"STOOOOOP" barked Nephrite.
"Haha ok friends!"
They decided they had enough of this goober and killed Motoki and took his pringles.
After Beryl arrived in the human world they followed her up to grandpa's temple
"HAHA!" called Nephrite "I knew it was Grandpa!"
They followed her up the steps and saw Beryl hug someone.
Jadeite gasped when he saw that the person she was e-dating was not Grandpa, but was in fact Artemis the cat.
"BERYL" howled shittenou
"NO!" howled Beryl.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Artemis.
Once the Shitennou recovered from the initial shock, they charged Artemis.
Beryl stepped in the way and put her arms out.
The Shitennou slid to a halt, except for Jadeite who had reached terminal velocity.
He was unable to stop and was obliterated by Beryl.
The other two caught their breath.
"Queen Beryl!" exclaimed Nephrite. "You're dating a cat!"
Beryl sighed. "Looks like it's time to talk about the elephant in the room."
"Say, cat," said Zoisite. "What do you see in Beryl anyway?"
"Well," said Artemis. "She reminds me of my previous owner, Minako!"
"Previous owner?" asked Jadeite.
"Yes," said Artemis. "Her boyfriend Yaten moved in, and he was allergic to cats. I said it was either me or him, and here I am."
"What a shame," said Jed.
"Haha," said Zoisite. "Beryl's dating a cat!"
"E-dating," corrected Beryl angrily.
Zoisite remembered something an old friend once said. "Looks like the kittens are out without their mittens," he stated.
Artemis, from force of habit, shrieked, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Zoisite was startled and realized the only thing left was to attack.
"Jadeite, tag in!" he said when his blasts weren't working.
Jadeite came back to life and leapt at Artemis and tried to stomp him like a bug.
But Artemis was too nimble. He slipped between Jed's legs and Jed face-planted.
Artemis hopped on his back and ended his tale abruptly.
"Why did you say that?" asked Nephrite.
"It was what my old boyfriend Kunzite said. Only in the dub though. I'm sure he said something cooler in the sub. I don't know how, but I felt he would have wanted me to say it."
"Break it up you guys," said Beryl finally, five minutes after the scuffle. "I love Artemis. And if you can't accept us, then you can sleep eternally."
The Shitennou thought about it. They took out pillows and blankets and laid on the floor.
"Wake me up never," explained Zoisite.
"Stop that!" yelled Beryl. "I was able to accept when you started dating that guy who died, so you should accept my love for a cat. A human girl and a male cat is far less creepy than two guys."
"Yeah that will make me want to support you," barked Zoisite.
Beryl killed Zoisite.
"Alright can you stop killing us?" asked Nephrite. "You're putting Metalia into overdrive. She still hasn't come close to starting to revive Kunzite!"
Zoisite and Jed were brought back to life.
Nephrite was rejuvenated.
"I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "But I won't be able to accept you e-dating a cat."
"Very well then," said Beryl. "Then I guess… I'll have to marry Artemis."
"WHAT?!" said Artemis in a raspy voice. "AHHHH, LUNA!"
Luna appeared. "Artemis my dear, what's going on?"
She had brought Diana as well.
"I hate to tell you this," said Artemis. "But I am leaving you for a real woman."
Baby cat Diana was mad. She nipped Artemis on the leg.
Artemis backhanded her away with his paw.
Luna leapt on top of Artemis, but Beryl impaled her with a crystal.
"Animal cruelty is wrong," she said.
"Hey!" shouted Grandpa coming outside with a broom. "What's all the hubbub in my front yard?"
He spotted Luna and Diana's corpses.
"Uh oh," said Grandpa. "Bad break-up, huh friend?"
Artemis nodded sadly.
"Congrats on the beautiful new girlfriend," said Grandpa kissing Beryl's hand. "I hope you two have many good years together. I know I won't!"
Grandpa died.
"Oh boy!" said Artemis. "We can hold a joint wedding-funeral!"
Beryl and Zoisite showed up at the wedding dress shop.
"Why'd you take me to come dress shopping with you?" asked Zoisite.
"Zoisite you know why, don't play stupid with me."
Zoisite sighed. "This one looks lovely, try it on."
Nephrite and Jed were hiding inside a changing room together.
"Nyeh heh heh," said Nephrite. "I won't let my queen marry a cat. She went too far!"
"But how will you stop the wedding?" asked Jed.
"I'll put a Youma in her dress and crash the ceremony!" laughed Nephrite evilly.
"Well you better hop to it," suggested Jed.
Beryl tried on many dresses.
"What do you think of this one?" she asked again.
"I told you it looks great," said Zoisite. "That's the one for you."
"Okay," decided Beryl. She put the dress down to put her normal purple gown back on.
While the dress was draped over the changing room wall, Nephrite injected it with a Youma.
"Hahaha," he said.
Jadeite made a portal, and they both got sucked in.
"Ouch," said Nephrite.
Beryl approached the register.
"How much for this one?"
"Huehuehue," said the French wedding dress salesman. "You picked out a fine one. That will be 2 million yen!"
"Is that a lot?" asked Beryl.
He nodded.
"Nevermind," said Beryl. "I'll make my own dress."
She fled.
She arrived in Metalia's chambers.
"Hello," said Metalia. "Is it time to revive Kunzite?"
"No," said Beryl. "Can I have a wedding dress?"
"Beryl," said Metalia.
Beryl waited.
"Do you know how much energy that would cost?" Metalia asked.
"How much?" asked Beryl.
"Too much. Get out of my sight. Once that Jadeite guy gets me some energy, then we will talk."
"He had been missing for two years!" exclaimed Beryl. "I tried calling him but he wouldn't answer. Can I please have some better calling powers?"
"Do you know how much energy that would cost?" Metalia asked.
"You have to spend energy to make energy!" said Beryl.
"Nooo!" yelled Metalia. "Get out!"
Beryl shrieked and fled.
She decided to spawn her own wedding dress. "Mmmm," she said. "Looking good."
It was the day of the wedding.
The Shitennou joined her in grooms' outfits.
Even Kenji arrived despite being supposed to not be here the rest of the chapter.
Artemis appeared wearing a black bowtie and nothing else. He walked down the aisle making suction cup sound effects.
"Looks like the kittens are-" began Zoisite but stopped himself in respect for the wedding.
Tuxedo Mask arrived in his Mamoru get-up.
"What are you doing?" asked Jadeite. "This is the one time you should wear a tuxedo!"
"D'ah," said Mamo. "I'm just a bundle of mysteries."
Jadeite sighed.
"Who wants to walk me down the aisle?" demanded Beryl. The Shitennou looked at each other.
Grandpa went in for the kill.
"Alright Pops," said Beryl. "You remind me of my own old man."
Grandpa shed a tear.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Wasn't this supposed to be Grandpa's funeral as well?"
Beryl scanned the audience once she reached the altar.
Suddenly she smiled when the door opened and Metalia strolled in despite not having legs.
Metalia took a seat in the front blocking a whole aisle.
"She really does care," said Beryl in awe. "This will be the happiest day of my life!"
Boxy the priest stepped forward and began to perform the wedding ceremony.
He turned to Zoisite and Zoisite nodded. He decided to let bygones be bygones.
Boxy went on. "Do you take this man… errr, cat… to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," said Beryl.
"And do you-"
"STOP THE WEDDING!" howled Jadeite from Beryl's side. He ran to the front.
"Beryl, I love you! I was gone for two years so I could get up the courage to tell you so!"
"Get back to getting me energy," said Beryl. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."
"Drat," said Jed returning to his spot. "Hey Neph, when's that Youma coming?"
"Oh shit," said Neph. "I better summon it!"
Nephrite summoned the Youma but nothing happened. "Huh, I guess she must have ended up not buying that dress and instead made her own one."
"So what happened to the Youma?" wondered Jadeite.
"It's my lucky day!" said Motoki's sister.
"I love you," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend.
"I'm so happy for you two," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend's sister.
"Yes, have a good marriage," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend's sister's boyfriend.
Motoki's sister pulled out her wedding dress. "Look, I already bought the dress!"
Suddenly the spider Youma appeared and destroyed all involved.
The Shitennou heard their shouts from the other side of the city.
Nephrite shrugged. "Dah. I did all I can do. Now Beryl will marry a cat."
Zoisite snickered.
Kenji was crying tears of joy.
"My Beryl is getting married! This will be the happiest moment of my life!"
"Don't you have two kids?" Nephrite asked Kenji.
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.
"Artemis," said Boxy. "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I DO!" rasped Artemis.
Everyone cringed.
"Oh no," said Jed. "Here comes the kiss!"
Artemis leapt up to kiss Beryl, but couldn't quite reach her.
He had no other choice but to continue to hop up and down until Beryl finally knelt down.
She still couldn't reach so she sat down on the floor.
She went in for the kiss.
"Wait," said Artemis. "I can't do this."
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-whaT?!" cried Beryl.
"Haha," laughed Jed.
Beryl killed Jadeite.
"What a bridezilla," remarked Nephrite.
Beryl went to kill him but stopped herself.
Zoisite knew better than to say a word.
"What?!" repeated Beryl.
"I mean, I can't marry you as a cat. It's too creepy."
Everyone let out a sigh of relief.
"What are you saying?" whimpered Beryl.
"I'm saying, it's time to take my human form."
Artemis took the form of a handsome young lad with long white hair and moon symbol.
"My goodness!" said Beryl. "You're beautiful!"
"Thanks," said Artemis. "Why was I a cat when I could have opposable thumbs like these all along? And wow, my voice isn't raspy anymore. How did I talk in the first place, without lips?"
"That doesn't matter," said Beryl. "Kiss me!"
They kissed.
"Aww," said Jed. "I'm happy if she's happy."
"Yeah, maybe she won't be such a lunatic now that she's not after that Endymio fool. Maybe the Negaverse can finally succeed," mused Nephrite.
"Haha," laughed Kenji. "Yeah right!"
Zoisite finally took a look at human Artemis.
He gasped. "Kunzite my love, you've returned!"
Artemis turned around. "What? I don't look like that guy at all! Especially not in the manga!"
Zoisite charged him.
Beryl finished him off.
Artemis looked at Zoisite's corpse. "You know what they say," he said. "Looks like the kittens are out without their mittens!"
"hahahahhaha," laughed everyone.
Except for Zoisite because he was dead.
Just when the chapter looked like it would end on a happy note for most characters, the doors flung open.
"I am back," said Kunzite.
Artemis recognized him from long ago. "You!" howled human Artemis. "You shot me with lighting, and made fun of the fact that I was out without my mittens!"
"Yes," sneered Kunzite. "And it's time for battle!"
Kunzite summoned his sword and his shield.
Artemis summon a long string with cat toy on the other end. But it was covered in the spikes.
"Let's go surfer boy!" he shouted and charged.
"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite. He dodged the cat toy and they started clashing.
Kunzite shined a laser pointer at the wall, and Artemis was stunned.
"Must… chase…" but his human form overpowered his cat mind.
He socked Kunzite, and Kunzite retaliated with his own sock.
"There can only be one character with these looks! Until those Droidos in season two!" shouted Kunzite.
"I'll show you mittens!" shouted Artemis. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He pulled out his mittens and backhanded Kunzite.
"What's… in those things?!" demanded Kunzite.
"Titanium," explained Artemis.
"Then why…" panted Kunzite. "Were you out without them?"
"I forgot them at home!" howled Artemis taking a cat stance and leaping at Kunzite.
They fell to the floor and started slugged it out.
Beryl couldn't take much more.
"I just want to be with my new husband!" she yelled. "You are miiine!"
She spawned a huge black crystal and accompanied it with her classic howl. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Artemis joined in on the howl. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Kunzite covered his ears, and Artemis got a sock in.
Just when Beryl was about to throw the crystal, she lost sight of Artemis.
"AHhhh! Which one is Kunzite and which one is Artemis human form?! I can't tell the difference!"
Beryl stabbed herself in the heart and died.
"AHHHHH! BERYL!" yelled Artemis.
Kunzite got the jump in and hammer kicked Artemis.
He was no more.
FIN
