"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"That's great," said Beryl, as she and the Shitennou walked into the Negaverse.
"Man, that took us a long time to get home from that trial," noted Nephrite. "What's today, anyway?"
Beryl pulled out her Android device.
"Yuck," said Nephrite. "I'm an Apple man myself."
"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.
Nephrite was upset but did not know how to express it.
"Wow, it's already New Years," said Beryl.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. "We missed Christmas!"
"D'ah," said Beryl. "At least I'm not in space prison. And also if I recall from last year, I hate Christmas."
"D'ah," said Jed accepting his fate. "At least we get to celebrate New Year's! Barely though."
"D'ah," said Kunzite continuing the chain of d'ahs. "I was going to go really hardcore on Christmas to make up for not trick-or-treating this year! I had the white hair to be Santa Claus and everything!"
"Tell it to the New York Times!" said Nephrite.
"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite.
He was mad. He was livid.
He slugged Nephrite.
Nephrite was mad. Nephrite was livid.
He slugged Zoisite.
Zoisite was dead before he hit the ground.
Kunzite was charging up a hard slug, but Beryl stopped him.
"I'll put Metalia on that right away, no need for senseless violence."
"But… but I!" Kunzite was stumped.
Queen Beryl took her place on her throne. "As is tradition for New Years in these parts, we all have to come up with a New Year's res."
"Resolution?" asked Nephrite.
"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl. "This is strike two."
"I guess not," said Neph.
"Ok good," said Beryl. "So Nephrite, what's your New Year's res?"
"Mine will be to not drink anymore!"
"Haha," said Zoisite walking out of Metalia's chambers.
"Welcome back, I missed you," said Kunzite.
"TY," said Zoisite. "As I was saying, haha. You try that one every year, but you're yet to pull it off!"
"This will be my year," vowed Nephrite. "Maybe I'll make it more than a day!"
"You say that every year," reminded Zoisite.
"Oh yeah?" sneered Nephrite. "Then what's your resolution?"
"I'm not making one this year," said Zoisite. "I'm perfect how I am."
"I agree," said Kunzite.
Jadeite was angry and he didn't know why. He threw a punch at Kunzite, but it did little damage.
Kunzite went to slug him for the attempt, but Beryl shot Jadeite down before he could.
Kunzite growled at her for stealing the kill.
"Kunzite, your resolution will be to make friends with Endymion," stated Beryl.
"Rats!" said Kunzite. "I hate that guy! How come they get to pick their own resolutions?"
"Because I have a feeling that in the end it's just going to be you and Endymion. You must learn to get along."
"Will getting along with me be his forced resolution as well?" Kunzite hoped.
"No," said Beryl. "His is to love me! I hope he does it this year!"
"I will not," said Endymion. "I will also not get along with Kunzite."
"Good luck," said Beryl to Kunzite. "You'll need it."
Jadeite surfaced from Metalia's chambers.
"Welcome back," said Kunzite.
"TY," said Jed. "My resolution," he began. "Is to high five every being in the Negaverse, every day!"
"Why?" asked Beryl.
Jadeite giggled. "You'll have to find out!"
He teleported away.
"Hmm," said Beryl.
"MY RESOLUTION!" howled Kenji, without being provoked by anyone. "Is to spend more father-son time with Shingo!"
"That's great," said Beryl. "Why don't you hop to that?"
"No," said Kenji. "I'll stick around and hear everyone's resolutions!"
"You already missed them," said Beryl sadly.
"D'ah," said Kenj. "But I'll spend time with Shingo later. I'm not feeling it right now."
"Alright," said Beryl. "Now that everyone has a resolution-"
"Zoisite doesn't!" reminded Nephrite.
"Damn you Nephrite!" cried Zoisite. "I almost slipped under the radar!"
"Well?" asked Beryl.
"Umm… I'll get back to you," said Zoisite. "I need to come up with one on my own that's clever and no one else did."
"Alright," said Beryl cautiously. "Don't think you'll get away with not doing one!"
"Kay," said Zoisite.
"Now then, my resolution," began Beryl. "Is…"
"To be nice?" suggested Kunzite.
Beryl laughed loudly. "I tried that one last year! That's not for me. Mine is to do ten jumping jacks every morning, and 14 push-ups! Followed by seven curl-ups. I'll be buff in no time!"
Nephrite nodded.
"Well then good luck," said Beryl teleporting them out of her room.
She opened up a bag of chips and turned to her favorite show, Toonzai's Dragon Ball Z Kai.
"Mmmmm," she said. "Blue Popo."
"Thetis my boy!" said Jed giddily.
"Jadeite, are you asking me out finally?" she wondered.
"No, I'm afraid," said Jadeite.
She teleported away.
"No, come back!" howled Jadeite. "I need you to high my five!"
Nephrite poured himself a glass of lemonade and sat on his patio.
Zoisite teleported over. "Mmm," said Zoisite. "Planning to poison the Sailor Scouts with lemonade?"
"Ye," barked Nephrite. "But no. I've given up drinking, so now I just drink fine lemonade."
"Mmm," said Zoisite. He spawned a glass of wine. "Yum!" he said, drinking a sip and spitting it out. "I feel so sorry for anyone who can't sip this terrible wine!"
"Don't you have a resolution to come with?" barked Nephrite.
"Shit!" said Zoisite. He fled.
Jadeite teleported in.
"Nephrite me boy!" he said.
"No way," said Nephrite.
"I didn't ask you anything," said Jed.
"Good, it better stay that way," warned Nephrite. "I'm not giving you a high five, Jed."
"Oh," said Jadeite. "Oh by the way, I have the five dollars I owe you!"
"Give it here," said Nephrite extending his hand.
Jadeite swatted it. "LOL!" he yelled teleporting away.
"You won't be able to keep this up all year!" howled Nephrite.
"Goodbye, Zoisite. I'm going to visit Endymion," said Kunzite.
"Ewwwww," cried Zoisite. "But he's such a bad guy! He is handsome though."
"Hey!" said Kunzite. "How come you're allowed to talk like that, but I'm not!"
"Say," said Zoisite changing the subject swiftly. "I still haven't thought of a resolution. I'm leaning towards eating whole grain pasta instead of white pasta, it's better for you."
"Yes," said Kunzite. "Good idea. If you're scared of a challenge."
"What was that?" asked Zoisite.
"Oh nothing," said Kunzite.
"I always follow through on my challenges!" stated Zoisite.
"Mmm," said Kunzite.
"I don't like that mmmmm!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"Mmm," said Kunzite.
Zoisite was getting upset but didn't know how to express it. "So how will you befriend Endymion anyway? That guy hates you."
"I'm not sure yet," said Kunzite. "But I'm quick-witted enough to think of something!"
"Mmm," said Zoisite.
"Yep, this will be a reaaaal challenge," continued Kunzite.
"Why are you provoking me?" asked Zoisite.
"D'ah, I don't know," said Kunzite. "I guess I'm just salty in general."
"About what?" asked Zoisite.
"I don't know," admitted Kunzite. "Maybe because Beryl forced me into this hard resolution while you get to eat cereal or whatever."
"Pasta!" yelled Zoisite.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," said Kunzite. He fled.
"Fine then!" shouted Zoisite. "Leave! I don't care!"
Zoisite was angry and was starting to know how to express it.
Jadeite appeared.
"Zoisite me boy!"
Zoisite threw a slug, but Jed was only minorly affected.
"High five," he said.
"Keep your greasy mitts away from me!" yelled Zoisite.
"I'm wearing gloves," explained Jed.
"That's what mitts are," said Zoisite thinking fast.
"No," said Jadeite. "Anyway, high five!"
"NO, I just said no!"
Jadeite knocked Zoisite to the floor and stole a high five.
"GET OFF ME!" cried Zoisite.
Jadeite fled.
Zoisite started to cry, everything was going bad this year.
"Kunzite thinks I'm afraid of a challenge, I'll show him! I guess he already has dibs on Endymio, so I'll befriend an even worse guy!"
Kenji was playing with his Bop It! which now had 20 new commands.
"Papa, can I have a turn?" begged Shingo.
"Not today, my boy," laughed Kenji.
"Twist it!" said the Bop It!
But instead Kenji turned it.
"Damn!" said Kenji.
Shingo was still standing there.
"Back off, ya mongrel!" yelled Kenji. Shingo fled.
Kenji started a new game.
"KENJIIII me boy!" said Jadeite. "I guess you're part of the Negacrew as of the most recent chapters, so Ima need your high five, my man!"
"Not today," said Kenji. "I'm spending more time with Shingo!"
"That's not Shingo!" said Jed. "That's the latest version of Bop It!"
"No, he's standing right next to me!" assured Kenji.
"That's not Shingo!" repeated Jadeite. "That's just a portrait of Shingo."
Kenji adjusted his glasses. "Would you look at that," he said.
"Slap it!" yelled the Bop It!"
Kenji slapped down, and Jed quickly inserted his hand.
"NO!" cried Kenji when he slapped Jadeite's hand but not the machine. His game ended.
Kenji burst into tears.
Jadeite let himself get sucked into a portal.
Kunzite appeared in Mamoru Chiba's apartment.
"Hey there, floating friend!" said Motoki.
"Oh no, it's you," groaned Kunzite. "Where's Endym- I mean, Chiba."
"Who?" asked Motoki. "Oh, you mean Mamo-kun! He's not here right now. I'm watering his plants for him."
Kunzite killed Motoki.
"Where is he then?" he asked Motoki's corpse.
"Oops," said Kunzite. "I did this in the wrong order."
Mamoru walked in.
"Kunzite? What do you want?" he demanded.
"I wanted to hang out," lied Kunzite.
"Eww, no," said Mamoru. "I heard you use humans to do your dirty work! Heh heh."
Kunzite chuckled. "Nah, nah. Those are just rumors. I actually took on the Sailor Scouts on my own on multiple occasions."
"Was that after Zoisite died?" asked Mamo-chan.
Kunzite was mad. "If I recall, you died a couple times as well!"
"Oh yeah, just another reason to not hang out with you!" shouted Mamoru, also mad. "I don't like the way you bad guys are deceitful!"
Kunzite threw a punch, and Mamoru was tossed out of commission.
Two weeks later, Mamoru woke up.
"Where… am I?"
"Hello, friend!" said Kunzite.
They were sitting on Kunzite's sofa.
"Hey, what is this, the Negaverse?! Get me outta here!"
Mamoru Chiba ran for the door, but Kunzite appeared in his way.
"NO! MOVE!" yelled Mamoru.
He leapt out the window, but Kunzite grabbed his foot.
"Come on pal, no need for the theatrics."
Mamoru bit Kunzite's hand and leapt into the void.
Kunzite reeled him in.
Mamoru started throwing punches. Kunzite had to put him down again.
He woke up ten minutes later, and went right for the door.
"Heeeey!" yelled Kunzite, who had been cooking pancakes.
He intercepted Mamoru, and tackled him to the ground.
Mamoru threw a kick Kunzite's way, angering the beast.
"All I want is to spend some quality time together!" shouted Kunzite. "We did it in the Silver Millennium, probably!"
"NEEEEEVEEEER!" shouted Mamoru.
He leapt up and charged the window again.
But Kunzite had locked it this time.
Mamoru smashed it open with his fist and leapt out.
"I give up," said Kunzite.
"Wait, hold on a minute!" said Mamoru.
He fell into the void and died.
"Rats," said Kunzite. "Well, at least I won't be the only one unable to do my resolution! Endymion can't love Beryl now! Hahaha!"
"Kunzite my man!" yelled Jadeite, teleporting in. "HIGH FIVE!"
Kunzite shrugged. "Sure."
"Wow, really?" asked Jadeite in shock.
"Hurry up before I change my mind," said Kunzite.
Jadeite high fived him. He giggled and fled.
"Don't ever change," said Kunzite.
He sat down on his sofa and turned on Toonzai Dragon Ball Z Kai.
"Mmm, spirit blast."
Nephrite walked down the street, but all he saw was bars.
"Come on," he told himself. "I've made it two whole weeks, that's the most in my life! I can do this! I can do this!"
A devil Nephrite appeared on his shoulder. "No you can't lol," it said.
"Stop that!" howled Nephrite, picking up his pace. "Shouldn't there be an angel giving me reassurance?"
"Hidy ho!" said Melvin, appearing with a halo on Nephrite's other shoulder. "I believe in you, buddy boy!"
"AHHH!" screamed Nephrite. He clobbered angel Melvin and he was no more.
"Heh heh," said devil Nephrite. "Now that Melvin's dead, you might as well have a drink."
"Okay," said Nephrite. "Wait, no!"
Zoisite appeared behind him. "Time to make friends with my old nemesis Nephrite," he thought.
"Hey, Nephrite!"
Nephrite looked over at the liquor store. He took off running.
"HEY!" cried Zoisite. He took off after him.
Nephrite dashed down the street. "no no no no No No NO NO!"
He ran out into the middle of a four-way intersection.
Zoisite was hot on his tail. "Nephrite, let's be friends!" he shouted.
Nephrite turned around. "Huh?"
The light turned green, and Nephrite leapt into the air.
Zoisite wasn't so lucky, and met with a terrible fate.
"Haha," said Nephrite. Before he even thought about it, he pulled out a glass of champagne and drank it. "Here's to Zoisite being dead!"
He looked at the glass.
"NO!" he bellowed. "Oh well, now that that's over with…"
He flew into every bar in Tokyo at rapid speeds and passed out in the middle of the street.
Nephrite was found dead two days later.
Beryl woke up and put on her slippers.
"Another day another bag of chips!" she said, starting to get a little bit chunky.
She flipped to the channel of For Kids, and was about to watch the finale of Dragon Ball Z Kai Toonzai.
"I hope he uses the spirit blast!" she said giddily. "Hey, I wonder if any of the Shitennou followed through with their resolutions."
Then it hit her. "OOO! NOOO!" she howled. "I forgot my exercises! I was just too caught up with Toonzai's Dragon Ball Z Kai!"
She was mad and was just waiting for a way to express it.
"QUEEEEEN BERYL!" howled Jadeite. "I slightly modified my resolution to only getting everyone's high fives once a month. However, it's time to get yours!"
Queen Beryl blasted Jadeite to bits, and then blasted the bits to pieces.
She decided to leave it at that.
Kunzite came into her room. "Mamoru's dead," he said with little remorse. "Also I haven't seen Zoisite in a while, I hope that whole wheat pasta wasn't too much for the poor guy."
"Hmm," said Beryl. "Go head down to Metalia, you know the drill."
"Kay," he said.
"Metalia-sama," began Kunzite. "You know the drill," he repeated.
"About that," said Metalia sadly. "My resolution for this year was to not revive anyone."
"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite.
He threw himself off a bridge. "Wait a second," he thought.
He died.
FIN
