"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Who's there?" asked Beryl. Her throne was facing the other direction.

Jadeite wasn't sure what to do. "It's me, Jadeite," he said.

"Ah, Jadeite! Come in," said Beryl.

"Are you… feeling okay?" he asked.

Beryl didn't reply.

"Queen-"

"Who's there?" demanded Beryl.

Jadeite decided it would be in his best interest to slowly back away and leave the room.

Ten minutes later, Kunzite entered the room.

"Queen Beryl!"

"Who's there?" asked Beryl.

"It's me, Kunzite. Why are you facing backwards?"

"It's a long story," sighed Beryl. "Could you turn me around? I've been sitting like this all day!"

"Uh… sure," said Kunzite, spinning her around.

"OUCH!" yelled Kunzite.

"What?" demanded Beryl.

"I think I threw my back out moving this huge stone throne with you in it!"

"Drat," said Beryl. "I needed you to move some heavy boxes for me!"

"Well my hands are tied," said Kunzite sadly. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go to the hospital now."

"Have fun," said Beryl.

She was upset but didn't know how to express it.


Jadeite passed Nephrite at the soda machine.

"Damn thing won't take my money!" yelled Nephrite.

"Nephrite, don't you have a house?" recalled Jadeite.

"No, I live here now," explained Nephrite. "I've decided it's too long of a walk from Earth to this particular soda machine, so I'm renting out this room right here."

"But that's my room?" said Jadeite.

"Not anymore, pal," barked Nephrite. "I left your things outside."

Jadeite found a box sitting at the door. He opened it up and there was nothing inside.

"Thanks bud," he said. "Can I have your house?"

"Sure, I don't care," said Nephrite. "Say, I'll trade you this bill for a crisper one!"

But Jadeite was already gone.


"Wowee!" he said stepping foot in Nephrite's mansion. "This place is huge! And not just an empty space! Look, there's even furniture!"

Suddenly, he found himself face to face with the stars.

"Hello," said Jadeite awkwardly. "I didn't know Nephrite had a roommate."

The stars sighed.

"Jadeite?" asked Zoisite in shock from the couch. "Why are you here?"

"Nephrite gave me his house," Jadeite explained. "He moved into my space."

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "Now I'm going to have to go live in your space!"

"Why?" asked Jadeite. "Don't you have your own house?"

Zoisite shook his head. "You have a lot to learn. Nephrite's gonna be spooked when he sees me!"

Zoisite left.

Jed was lonely. "This house is too big for just me. Time to find some roommates that aren't stars!"

"Watch it," said the stars.


"Whelp, that about does it," said Jadeite after putting his flyer on every street post in Tokyo. "Who won't want to live in this mansion with me for free?"

Jadeite got home, but no one was there.

He waited.

Finally there was a knock on his door.

He opened it, but it was only the wind.

"NO!" howled Jadeite. "This can't be happening!"

There was another knock.

"If this is the wind I'm hanging myself," he declared.

It was the wind, but there was a knock on the back door.

"I mean it this time," he said answering the back door.

"Heya!" said Makoto.

"Who are you?" asked Jadeite.

"Just a gal looking for a room."

"Oh," said Jed. "No offense, but I was looking for someone more interesting. You know, like a Melvin or a Grandpa. I'd even settle for Kenji."

"The feeling's mutual, pal," said Makoto. "Just be lucky I'm not Motoki or his sister. Now those are two boring people."

Jadeite laughed. "Hey, you're okay!"

"Watch it," said Makoto barging in. "Wowee, this place is huge! I call dibs on the sofa!"

"Okay," said Jadeite. "I wasn't going to call it anyway. We have many beds."

Makoto threw herself on the sofa. "I can get used to this! You said the rent was free?"

"Yes," said Jed. "But actually on the poster I said personality was required."

"I have loads of personality!" argued Makoto. "I cook and fight! But I've retired from fighting after Yaten beat me in his base form."

"I don't know who that is," said Jadeite. "But that's good enough for me! You should cook us some lunch!"

"As if," barked Makoto.

Jadeite was just lucky that this wasn't the manga or Crystal where no one had personality, especially not him who only lasted two pages/three episodes.

He sat down on Nephrite's throne that he had only used once. "Hmmm," pondered Jed. "We should hang a poster over that window there. That stained glass is starting to give me a headache. Why are there so many colors?!"

"Are you sure? I kind of like it," said Mako-chan.

"Do you have to argue with everything I say?" asked Jadeite starting to get mad.

"Haha, you're funny," laughed Makoto.

Jadeite had never experienced anything like this and was starting to get infuriated.

There was another knock.

"OH BOY OH BOY!" howled Jed. "This rom-com is piecing itself together perfectly!"

But when it was another stale character, Jadeite sighed.

"I'm Hotaru Tomoe!" said 12 year old Hotaru. "I need to get away from my Pa, because I think he's abusive and being controlled by an evil blob. And that Kaorinite… something's off about her! Also I don't like passing out for hours and then when I wake up people are mad at me! In addition, I'm extremely weak all the time, and I have healing powers but only once."

Jadeite sighed again. "Such a boring character. You can have one of the upstairs bedrooms."

"Hey Jed-kun!" called Makoto.

"Watch it," said Jed. "I'll only settle for -sama or -san!"

"Ok Jed-kun-sama!" said Makoto. "I'm doing the laundry, give me your clothes."

"Huh?" said Jed. "I just put this outfit on this morning. There's no need."

"Yes there is!" howled Makoto. "Gimme your clothes, if I'm going to run the washing machine I'm going to make sure it's worth my time!"

"Then don't run the washing machine," suggested Jed.

Makoto shook her head. "Take off your shirt."

"This isn't a shirt," said Jed. "It's my jacket. Jacket I tell you!"

"Then take it off," demanded Makoto.

"No!" yelled Jed. "There's nothing under it! I didn't ask you to do any of the chores! And you're not even being funny about it!"

Makoto ripped his uniform off leaving him in his underpants and undershirt.

"Liar," barked Makoto, taking his undershirt.

Jadeite sighed and put on a new outfit. "That accomplished nothing, you're just wasting soap!"

But Makoto was gone.

Jed decided it was time to get in some roommate antics.

He went up to Hotaru's bedroom.

"I'll try to make something ecchi happen. Hmm, maybe I'll walk in on her changing or something! That is one of the highlights of living with only girls."

He walked into Hotaru's room, but she was just sleeping in the middle of the day.

"Drat," said Jadeite. "This isn't how this genre's supposed to work! It has the perfect set-up and everything! One man, living with two girls! Something wrong's gotta happen, or at least something funny!"

Jadeite stomped his foot. "Darn it, but the main cast isn't even interesting! One of the musts of this genre is goofy main protagonists with lots of colorful personality!"

There was another knock on the door.

Jadeite dashed over. "Minako-chan!?" he yelled hopefully.

"Hello," said someone with purple hair.

Jed looked down.

It was none other than Chibi-usa's friend, Momoko.

A chill went down Jadeite's spine, but he wasn't sure why and chose to ignore it.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Chibi-usa's friend, Momoko! I may look like a little girl, but I'm 18!"

"18 you say," considered Jadeite. "Phew! At least one of the requirements, the loli character, is here!"

"I don't know what that means," said Momoko. "I'm going out to train."

"Train for what?" asked Jadeite.

"To jump the vaulting horse," answered Momoko. She was off.

"How boring," sighed Jadeite. "Whelp, that's a third roommate. We only need one more till the harem's complete! Hopefully the next one will have enough personality to cover for the rest!"

"HI!" said a lady approaching. "Are you the guy looking for roommates?"

"Why yes," said Jadeite. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ms. Haruna, a teacher at the local middle school."

"Oh no," said Jed, shaking his head. "You're way too old, you gotta go!"

"What was that?!" demanded Haruna.

"You wouldn't fit in here," stated Jed. "Goodbye!"

Ms. Haruna was furious. She backhanded Jadeite and left.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "I dodged a bullet. Her appearance wouldn't have worked with the intended the audience."

Jadeite started to walk back inside, but someone tapped his shoulder.

"Hey!" they said.

"A guy?!" asked Jadeite in shock and horror. "No no no no no! This will never do!"

"Uhh… were you the guy looking for roommates?"

"No," said Jadeite. "You're looking for the other creepy mansion on a hill."

"Really? This was the only one I saw!"

"Sorry, I have to go," said Jadeite. "My all-female roommate cast is up to some wacky antics!"

The guy looked past Jeddy inside the house. All he saw was Makoto laying on the sofa reading a magazine.

"Oh, haha, I get it! You're a jokester! This will be a fun summer! I'm Tim, by the way!"

"That's not a Japanese name," stated Jadeite.

"Haha, yep!"

Tim let himself in.

Jadeite hung his head. "I give up," he groaned.

But it was too late to turn back now. He could still turn this into a good anime, or at least a hidden gem.

"So, Tim, Makoto," began Jadeite. "Are you two both single?"

"I am!" howled Makoto. "And Tim is looking fine!"

"Oh, haha!" laughed Tim. "This is awkward. I'm actually not looking for a relationship right now!"

"Why not?" challenged Makoto.

"I just had a bad break-up," said Tim. "Not ready to get back in the field yet."

"That's not funny," said Jadeite.

"Yeah, it was pretty rough," agreed Tim. "Say, can I do laundry?"

"Oooh, sorry!" said Makoto. "I just put the wash in. You can use the machine when I'm done!"

"Oh, haha," said Tim. "Nah, I don't have enough dirty clothes to do a wash of just my things. I was hoping someone else had some dirty clothes. I guess I'll do the wash in a couple days then."

Jadeite was starting to get furious. "Can you guys stop being unfunny?" he demanded. "And Makoto, would it kill you to wear less clothes?!"

"Huh?" asked Makoto. "I don't know what you mean?"

"I'm saying you should walk around in your underwear!" exclaimed Jed. "And I should wake up with you in my bed!"

"Eww, no!" laughed Makoto.

"I'll walk around in my underwear," offered Tim.

"NO!" yelled Jadeite. "What are you, gay? You'd turn people off to this anime right away!"

"Why do you keep talking like that?" asked Makoto.

"I'm not gay," said Tim.

"Damn!" said Jadeite. "That might have brought in at least the gay audience!"

Jed decided to take another crack at Hotaru.

"Hey, wake up," he demanded.

Hotaru did not stir.

Jadeite was so fed up that he picked Hotaru up and dragged her into his bed and then laid down next to her.

He waited four hours, and Hotaru stirred.

"Hmm…?" she asked.

Jadeite pretended to wake up. "HEY!" he cried. "Why are you in my bed?!"

"I don't know," said Hotaru. "Why did you put me in your bed, and then ask why I'm in your bed?"

"No, no, no, NO!" shouted Jadeite. "You must have wandered into my bed during your sleep!"

"No," stated Hotaru. "I've never sleep walked in my life."

She got up and went back to her room.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. "Hmm, maybe Makoto and Tim have started to crush on each other, since they've been living together for a while now!"

He went downstairs.

Makoto was eating cereal at the kitchen table. Tim was watching TV.

"AHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. "Where's that other girl?

"She's at dance practice," answered Makoto. "She's a pretty busy gal!"

"This. Won't. DOOO!" shouted Jadeite. "AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey, could you keep it down?" asked Tim. "I'm trying to watch sports, haha."

Jadeite ran up and socked Tim.

"Yo, what the heck?" demanded Tim.

"I don't want to share a room with a guy!" shouted Jed. "At first I just wanted wacky roommates, like Grandpa and Melvin, but when boring Matokoko showed up-"

"It's Makoto!" yelled Makoto.

"WHATEVER!" shouted Jadeite. "DO YOU THINK IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?! YOU'RE BORING! BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE A FEMALE! So I thought we could at least have a rom-com here with a slight tint of ecchi, but so far nothing's happened!"

"If I could butt in," began Tim.

Jed socked Tim again. "I'M LEAVING!"

Jadeite walked out into the driveway and screamed incoherently.

"Wow," said Makoto. "So Tim, want some popcorn?"

"Sorry," said Tim. "I can't eat anything with kernels."

"Well when it's popped, they don't have kernels," said Makoto.

"Haha," said Tim. "No thanks though."

"Hmm," said Makoto.


Jadeite appeared at the soda machine. But Nephrite wasn't there.

"What's going on?" he wondered.

He went for the only other place he could find Nephrite, and went into Beryl's throne room.

She was facing the wrong way again, but no Nephrite. Jeddy made like a badger and left.

He sat down in the nega-café to think over how to revive his harem.

"Jadeite, just the man I was looking for!" said Nephrite.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Jadeite. "You gotta take your house back!"

"That's just what I was gonna talk to you about," said Nephrite. "Your space… how can I put this? It's just an empty space. I can never do with that. And I can't get into contact with the stars there, for some reason. Take your space back, please!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEES!" howled Jadeite. "Home sweet home!"

He dashed back into his space.

"Oh hey Zoisite. Nephrite moved out again."

"Ah," said Zoisite. "There's nothing to do here waiting for him. No sofa, or TV. You should go furniture shopping sometime."

"Thanks for the suggestion," said Jed.

"Anyway," said Zoisite. "I think I'm gonna go check on Kunzite in the hospital."

"Good idea," said Jed.

Zoisite left and Jed laid down on the floor.

"I guess harems and rom-coms aren't for me," stated Jadeite. "I like it better this way."


Nephrite came home.

"Mmmm, furniture," he said happily.

That's when he spotted another man in his house.

"Get out," stated Nephrite.

"Haha, okay," said Tim.

Tim left.

Makoto came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her. She was so shocked to see a hunkster like Nephrite that she accidentally dropped her towel to the floor, revealing herself.

"WOAAH!" said Nephrite. "Hot dog!"

"Don't hot dog me!" yelled Makoto, blushing wildly. "You didn't, like… look at me… right?!"

"I did," said Nephrite.

Makoto's face was pink. "Did you like what you saw?"

"Get out of my house," said Nephrite.

Makoto headed for the door.

Hotaru came out of her room and headed down the stairs. She tripped, and fell face-first into Makoto's nude chest.

"AHHH!" cried Makoto.

"Woah!" said Hotaru.

"Hotaru, why are you nude?" asked Makoto.

"I could ask you the same thing!" yelled Hotaru.

"Ahh!" cried Makoto. "I must have dropped my towel again!"

Momoko came in from her dance class.

"That class went terrible!" she cried. "I ripped my uniform while dancing and it totally got torn to shreds! I had to walk home naked!"

"AHH!" yelled Nephrite. "How old are you?!"

"18," said Momoko.

"Oh, good," said Nephrite. "Even though you have the appearance of an 8 year old, I'm not a pedo cause you said you're 18!"

Zoisite appeared then, but his face remained unchanged.

"Yuck, what's going on here? Nephrite, why are there three nude girls in your house?"

"I don't know," admitted Nephrite. "But I don't think I mind."

"Hmm," said Zoisite angrily. "This is distracting. Good thing I'm gay."

"It's too bad Jadeite moved out," mused Nephrite. "This is the perfect harem rom-com anime with a slight tint of ecchi."

"Bad genre," stated Zoisite. "I'm more into mechas myself."

"That's not a genre," stated Nephrite.

"KissAnime disagrees," said Zoisite.

"What's that?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite gasped. "Prepare to have your life changed."


"Queen Beryl!" yelled a voice.

"Who are you?" yelled Beryl. "Can someone please turn me back?!"

"Sure," said Tim. He started to push her stone throne that was connected to the ceiling.

"AHH! My back!" yelled Tim.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Beryl.

"Haha," said Tim, dying. "I'm gonna go to the hospital."

He limped out of Queen Beryl's throne room.

Kunzite awoke from his slumber in the hospital.

"I remember when I used to be the center of stories," he said sadly.

"Hey, you and me both pal," said Tim. "Haha."

FIN