"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Beryl.

"It's called the United States of America!" explained Jadeite.

"Isn't that that place where everyone's fat?" asked Beryl.

"Indeed," said Jadeite. "Due to this fact, the entire country is an untapped energy reserve. Also, according to my calculations, I don't think any Sailors live there that would spoil our plan!"

"Hmm, hmm," considered Beryl. "I never thought about sending someone to a place that wasn't Japan. Except for that time I sent someone to attack London once. But Sailor V was there, and she may or may not be Sailor Venus."

"Who's Sailor Venus?" asked Jadeite.

"That's what we want to know," said Beryl. "Anyway, your plan is actually exceptional for once. I'm going to send the whole pack!"

"Please don't," begged Jadeite. "I don't like those guys. They'll just come and take things over."

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "But you're too incompetent to go alone."

Beryl blew a whistle and the boys appeared.

"Queen Beryl!" said Kunzite. "What is your demand?"

"You all are going with Jadeite to collect energy in America."

"America," thought Nephrite, trying to place the name. "Is that the place where everyone's fat?"

"Correct," said Beryl.

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "Sounds like a piece of cake."

"It ought to be," continued Beryl. "Americans are also dumb."

"I see," said Nephrite. "So should we teleport right away?"

"Nope," said Beryl. "I'm not sure if your teleport can reach that far."

"Can't we teleport from the North Pole to Japan?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Beryl. "You need a portal for that."

"I never really got that part," said Jadeite. "Why was there a portal to the Negaverse in the middle of a shop? And how come we were never seen using it?"

"Plot holes are best left unmentioned," explained Beryl. "Your flight will leave in a few seconds. Teleport to Tokyo airport at once!"

"Oh man, I hate that place," said Jadeite sadly. "I got run over by a plane."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I saw the whole thing. Good stuff. Beryl recorded it on her ball, wanna watch?"

"No," said Beryl. "We'll watch it when you get back, your flight is leaving!"

"Can I watch Kunzite's death?" asked Nephrite. "Or Zoisite's. Both are a classic!"

"Can I see Nephrite's death?" asked Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I turned the other way when that one happened. But I could bring up Zoisite's!"

"Let's go to the airport," said Kunzite, knowing his death was next.

Kunzite teleported them to the airport.

"Rats!" said Nephrite.

They hopped on the plane at the last second and it took off.

"Shouldn't we have packed something?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "Things are for squares."

"We can just buy some stuff in America," said Nephrite. "I heard their economy is unstable."

"Is that a fact?" wondered Kunzite. "I don't want to have to eat McDonald's every day."

"That's unfortunate," said Jadeite. "I heard that's the only food they have there."


They were five hours into the flight.

"Hey Nephrite, it's my turn with the armrest!" yelled Zoisite, shoving his arm.

"Hey, back off!" said Nephrite. "It hasn't been ten minutes. Why aren't you sitting with Kunzite?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite, sitting next to Kunzite. "Zoisite, you sat down at the window seat, but Kunzite wanted a window seat too."

"Well you could have said so, Kunzite!" complained Zoisite. "Instead of sitting with that clown!"

"Can we swap?" Nephrite asked Jadeite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "They said we're not allowed to stand up."

"I don't care," said Nephrite. "It will only be a second."

Nephrite stood up.

"Sit down!" shouted the pilot.

"Go to hell!" shouted Nephrite. He got in the walkway and tried to pull Jadeite out of his seat.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "I won't break the rules! I won't do it!"

The pilot leapt out of his seat. "I said, sit down!"

"You wanna go old man?!" shouted Nephrite.

"Ye!" said the pilot.

He threw himself at Nephrite, and Nephrite threw a chop.

The pilot was dead before he hit the ground.

Nephrite sat back down next to Zoisite.

"You win some you lose some," he decided.

"Hey wait a minute," said Zoisite. "Who's flying the plane?"

"Obviously the co-pilot," said Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite sadly. "He died of unknown causes."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Shitennou.

"Wait, Jadeite!" recalled Zoisite. "You can control planes with your mind!"

But Jadeite was panicking.

He grabbed his oxygen mask and started breathing into it.

"Jadeite!" shouted Zoisite. "Move the plane!"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "If Jadeite can do it I can!"

Kunzite shot lightning out of his palms, but it wasn't the same kind of lightning, and it broke a hole through the plane.

Jadeite was launched out the window.

"NOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. "He was our only hope!"

Nephrite grabbed a parachute and leapt out of the plane. "So long, losers!"

Kunzite and Zoisite each went to grab another parachute, but there was only one left.

Zoisite went to grab it, but Kunzite snatched it.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Women and children first!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But you're not a woman."

"I am in America!" cried Zoisite, but Kunzite leapt out anyway.

Zoisite blew up along with the plane.

"No!" cried Kunzite, as he parachuted down to Earth. "I thought he would teleport!"

Jadeite emerged from the sand. "He was a good man."

"Riperoo," said Nephrite with a smirk.

But then Zoisite emerged from the rubble.

"You all have a lot of nerve!" he shouted.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "I got tossed out when Kunzite blew a hole like an idiot!"

"You're lucky I've developed some resilience after the Moon Wand," barked Zoisite. "But I could have died!"

"Hmmm," said Kunzite. "Hey, where are we?"

They were on some random island in the middle of the ocean.

"Well this is just GREAT!" shouted Nephrite. "You all really did it this time!"

"You're the one that killed the pilot!" shouted Zoisite.

"He threw himself at me first!" replied Nephrite.

"Well, if you would have never broke the rules, that wouldn't have happened," said Jed.

Nephrite threw a punch, tossing Jadeite into the water.

Kunzite started to go insane and threw a punch at Nephrite.

"Good work," said Zoisite.

But Kunzite was completely off his marbles. He socked Zoisite.

Jadeite leapt on Kunzite's back, and brought him to the ground.

Nephrite ran up and threw himself at them.

"Guys, stop," said Zoisite. "It's too early to go crazy. We just got here."

"You're right," said Jadeite, pausing halfway through a punch.

Kunzite released Nephrite's neck.

"Let's just figure out a way to get out of this," said Nephrite, rubbing his neck.

"Well," said Kunzite. "We probably can teleport back to Japan from here."

"Oh right, teleporting!" recalled Jadeite.

"Unfortunately, that won't work," said Zoisite. "I tried to teleport off the plane, but I couldn't."

"That's because you're bad," said Nephrite. "Watch how it's done."

Nephrite started to teleport, but halfway through his body started glitching out.

Then he was brought back, and launched into a palm tree.

"What the hell happened?" he demanded. "Stop messing with me, Kunzite!"

"I didn't do nothing!" cried Kunzite. "I'm tired of these false accusations! Here, I'll teleport all of you!"

They all glitched out and got launched into trees.

"Why didn't we launch the other way?" wondered Zoisite. "Why do we keep hitting trees?"

"I'm starting to lose it again!" admitted Kunzite. "Everyone, run!"

Jadeite took off dashing.

"Calm down now," said Zoisite. "We'll get out of this, let's just create a smoke signal with our powers! We all have some kind of fire attack, right?"

"Yes," said Jed. "I'll make a big illusion of my face and try to howl for help!"

"Now you're thinking!" cheered Nephrite.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" asked Kunzite.

"I can't," said Jadeite.

"What do you mean, you can't?!" shouted Kunzite.

"I mean, my powers won't work," Jadeite said solemnly.

That's when they realized none of their powers worked.

"What's happening… to me?!" cried Jadeite.

"Maybe we're in some kind of magnetic field," thought Zoisite.

"I'll use my superhuman leaping ability to check it out," said Nephrite. He leapt up into the sky.

"I can do that too!" yelled Kunzite, leaping into the air.

"This isn't good," said Nephrite landing. "I've seen this place in the zodiac. We're in the Bermuda Triangle. Our powers will not work here."

"We have to keep calm," said Kunzite, despite the fact he had just lost it multiple times. "Let's first focus on finding food, water, and shelter."

"I found water!" said Jadeite, gesturing to the ocean.

"No, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "That's salt water. We can't drink that."

"Watch," said Jadeite, taking off towards the ocean.

Everyone shook their heads.

He laid down and drank a handful of water.

"AHHHH!" he cried.

He passed out, and the waves started pulling him away.

"Hey, get back here!" yelled Nephrite.

He ran in and grabbed him by the legs, and reeled him in.

"Anyway, let's build a shelter," said Kunzite. "We're not starving yet."

They left Jadeite to dry out.

Kunzite walked up to the nearest palm tree.

"This will be our home," he said.

"That's no home," said Nephrite. "We have to gather sticks and build a hut!"

"Who's actually willing to do manual labor right now?" asked Zoisite. "I don't wanna break a nail."

"I'm above manual labor," said Kunzite. "I have humans to do my dirty work."

"Think about what Evil Endymion would say if he heard that," said Nephrite.

Suddenly Kunzite got angry. "I'll show Endymion!" he shouted.

Kunzite took off into the thicket.


Nephrite and Zoisite sat on the beach, building a sand castle.

Suddenly, Jadeite came to.

"Was… was my water good?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite sadly, shaking his head.

Jadeite rubbed his eyes and wandered over to them, accidentally stomping on their sandcastle.

"NO!" yelled Zoisite. "Why would you do that?!"

"That's an odd way to try and build a shelter," said Jadeite.

"We weren't building a shelter," said Nephrite. "We tricked Kunzite to do it. We only had one bucket so we had to form a temporary alliance."

Suddenly Kunzite emerged carrying a pile of lumber.

"You did it!" cheered Zoisite. "Now we just have to put the sticks together!"

"How?" asked Kunzite.

He threw the pile of sticks down and they all stared at it.

"Who needs a shelter anyway?" said Nephrite. "Let's go find some grub!"

"Where?" asked Zoisite.

"In the forest," explained Nephrite. "We will have to kill our food with our own hands."

Kunzite frowned. "I would take even McDonald's over this."

Jadeite grabbed a stick and started sharpening it. "This is how they did it in the Silver Millennium," he explained.

The others watched in awe.

Jadeite eventually made them each a hunting stick.

Then they headed into the woods.


"How much longer until the food?" whined Zoisite.

"Just a minute," said Kunzite. "Any minute now we'll see a squirrel or some similar beast."

"Hey! Hey!" cried Jadeite. "Look at that! It's a giant lake! Easily as big as Japan!"

"I don't think that big," said Nephrite, giving him a noogie. "But it's pretty big."

"I am parched!" exclaimed Jadeite. "Wait, this isn't salt water, is it?"

Nephrite shook his head.

"YAHOO!" howled Jadeite. He started cupping the lake water in his mouth rapidly. "Mmm, MMM!" he said. "Not half bad!"

"This is good," said Zoisite, drinking some himself. "Now all we need is food."

Suddenly they all heard rustling in the nearby shrubbery.

"Ooh," said Nephrite. "Maybe it's a squirrel."

Jadeite looked horrified. "Get away from that!" he yelled. "It could be a water badger!"

Zoisite tilted his head. "A water badger?" he asked.

Jadeite nodded. "Yes, a water badger. Only the second worst kind of badger, next to the arctic badger! But those might be a myth."

The Shitennou looked at Jed, and then at each other.

Kunzite put his hand on Jed's shoulder. "Look," he said. "I know things are going rough, and you've had a hard time today. But there's no such thing as a water badger."

"There is!" cried Jadeite. "I saw it in a book!"

"He must be delusional from lack of water," considered Nephrite. "Jadeite, drink some more water."

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "We gotta get out of here!"

He took off.

"Wait!" yelled the others. "You'll get lost!"

They chased him down and found him hiding behind a tree in fetal position.

"Jadeite, get out from there!" demanded Kunzite.

"No!" said Jadeite. "The water badger!"

"There is no such thing!" yelled Kunzite, getting annoyed. "A water badger would just be a beaver."

"noooOOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

"Let's just leave him," decided Kunzite.

"Poor guy," said Zoisite. "He's one with the forest."

The other three left Jadeite by the tree.

"There was nothing we could do," said Nephrite. "Jungle fever already got to him. Water badgers, ha!" he scoffed. "How ridiculous!"


2 hours later, the Shitennou sat on the beach.

"I'm hungry," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite.

"I think we all know what we have to do," said Nephrite solemnly.

They headed back into the thicket, and arrived at Jadeite's tree.

They pulled out their forks and knives, and licked their lips.

"Why are you guys staring at me like that?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite put on a bib. "Just give up, Jadeite," he told him. "Your time is up."

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "You're not thinking of eating me, are you?!"

"I'm sorry," said Nephrite. "There's no other way!"

"It's only been a couple hours!" said Jadeite, starting to panic. "I'm sure we'll find food soon!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "There's just not enough time."

"Alright, alright," said Jadeite. "You win, I understand. Just let me make peace with the world before I'm ended."

"That's fair," said Kunzite. "You have ten seconds."

Jadeite knelt down. "Dear lord," he began.

Then he threw dirt in the Shitennou's eyes and took off sprinting.

"After him!" yelled Nephrite.

They took off after him.

They were very upset, because without powers their speeds were essentially equal since they all underwent the same military-like training.

"We'll never catch him," said Zoisite, giving up hope.

"Don't stop now!" insisted Kunzite. "He's within reach!"

Jadeite leapt into the lake and started overhand-swimming off into the distance.

"Looks like he got away," said Kunzite sadly. "I'm not wetting my uniform, especially not my cape."

"Sad times," said Nephrite. "Who will we eat now?"

Kunzite and Zoisite turned to Nephrite, and raised their forks.

"Just give up, Nephrite," said Kunzite. "Your time is up!"

Nephrite got in a defensive stance. "I'm not going down without a fight!" he yelled.

Kunzite threw a punch, but Nephrite caught it.

"You're rusty!" Nephrite smirked. "You've relied too much on your magic, and haven't used those hands for combat in years!"

Zoisite leapt at him from behind with the spear, but Nephrite grabbed it and swung it over his shoulder, tossing Zoisite.

Kunzite was back with fists-a-flying, but Nephrite also threw his fists.

He socked Kunzite right in the chops, and threw a punch right to his stomach like he did to the flower Youmas.

Kunzite instinctively went to shoot a dark energy blast at him, but Nephrite socked him in the chops again.

Zoisite got to his feet, and threw a dropkick at Nephrite.

But Nephrite sidestepped, and Zoisite fell to the ground.

"No more!" begged Zoisite.

But Kunzite wouldn't give up yet. He locked arms with Nephrite.

"I've waited a long time for this!" yelled Kunzite. "DIE!"

"Is that all you got?!" taunted Nephrite.

They started hearing more rustling, and had to halt the squabble.

"What's that sound?" asked Zoisite.

It was getting louder.

Zoisite started to panic. "Maybe… maybe it's the water badgers Jadeite warned us about!"

"No," said Nephrite. "There's no such thing as water badgers!"

Zoisite was shaking.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite, releasing his grip on Nephrite. "I'll protect you!"

"Wow, thank y-"

Zoisite turned to Kunzite.

Kunzite was no longer with them.

They spotted his legs flailing in the water, and occasionally his head bobbing out.

"HELP!" yelled Kunzite. "It got me!"

"The water badger?!" shrieked Zoisite.

Kunzite did not respond, and was pulled down under the water.

Zoisite ran to the edge of the water and called his name, but it didn't help.

Nephrite took off his Shitennou jacket and leapt into the water.

"I won't let you have my meal, water badger!" he yelled.

Nephrite swam to the bottom of the lake, and pried Kunzite away from the water badger's claws.

He swam back to the surface and climbed on land.

Kunzite was coughing, and Nephrite had to sock him in the stomach.

Kunzite spit out all the water.

"What attacked you?!" demanded Zoisite.

"I… I don't know!" said Kunzite. "It almost ended me for good!"

"It must be the water badgers," said Nephrite, accepting it for good now.

"Let's flee into the forest!" cried Zoisite. "Water badgers can't get us there, right?!"

"If only Jadeite was here," said Nephrite. "He was an expert on water badgers."

The three of them fled deep into the jungle.

They heard rustling approaching them.

"Just keep running!" yelled Kunzite.

Finally, they arrived back at the beach, gasping for breath.

"Did we lose them?" wondered Nephrite.

They all turned towards the thicket in their battle stances, but nothing arose.

"We gotta get off this crazy island!" cried Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "We need a boat."

They did something they should have done at the start, and searched the rubble of the plane.

"It's a raft!" cheered Nephrite. "We're saved!"

"Let's skedaddle," agreed Zoisite.

They put the raft in the water and hopped on, but they didn't get very far.

"Paddle more with your hands," commanded Kunzite. "You guys aren't paddling hard enough!"

"Zoisite's not even paddling!" complained Nephrite.

Zoisite was sitting with his legs crossed. "I'm not putting my hands in that filthy seawater!"

"Kunzite, control him!" yelled Nephrite.

"Sorry, I can't," said Kunzite. "Zoisite's a loose cannon."

That's when something got Kunzite in an armlock.

"Kunzite?!" asked Zoisite in shock.

"HELP!" yelled Kunzite. "IT GOT ME!"

"The water badgers?!" cried Zoisite. "But I thought they were freshwater creatures!"

"Apparently, they're not," said Nephrite grimly.

The water badger threw itself back into the sea, and Kunzite was taken down with it.

He was never seen again.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I guess they wanted to finish what they started."

"KUUUNZIIIITE!" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite and Zoisite leapt back on land, because they hadn't even made it out of the shallow water.

"They can't get us on land," repeated Nephrite.

"I really hope so," said Zoisite.

He picked up a spear. "Let's rumble!" he shouted, yelling towards the ocean.

Just then, the water badgers that had attacked them at the lake finally made their way out of the forest by following their scent.

They leapt up from behind and ended Nephrite.

Zoisite turned his head around slowly.

He saw about 10,000 water badgers coming at him like a wave.

He turned to the sea, and saw that there was no blue water, only water badgers.

Zoisite stabbed himself in the heart with the spear, and the water badgers hauled him away.


2 years later, help finally arrived for the plane that crashed.

"Where are all the passengers?" asked a member of the rescue crew.

"There were only four of them," said Beryl. "I don't know where the pilot is, but my instincts tell me he died before the crash."

"There are signs of life here," noted a crew member. "Most notably this huge sand sculpture of Queen Beryl someone made."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "The Shitennou were here. But where are they now?"

One of the rescue pups started woofing.

"Over here!" called the leader.

They ran over to see Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite's skeletons lined up in rank order.

"NO!" cried Beryl.

The inspector took off his glasses and shook his head.

"It must have been the water badgers," he said sadly.

"The what now?" asked Beryl.

The crew looked down.

"Let's not speak of it," they told her.


The rescue crew searched the whole island, and only found one survivor.

Jadeite sat by his tree. "Yo," he said.

"Are you alright, sir?" asked someone.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I was smart enough to know that water badgers can't climb trees, so I lived in a tree for two years. I feasted off of nuts and berries, and drank lake water when the water badgers were hibernating."

"Smart guy," said the inspector.

"Did you get any energy?" asked Beryl.

That's when a water badger seeked her out personally and took her away.

"RIP," said Jed. He climbed back into his tree.

"This is my home now. Be gone!"

FIN