"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Beryl, I'm going to school," said Nephrite, walking through Jadeite like he was a door.

"Why?!" demanded Beryl. "You can't just skip out on your Negaduties!"

"Yes I can," said Nephrite.

"You have a lot to learn!" yelled Beryl.

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "That's why I'm going to school. So long!"

Beryl growled. "He's so arrogant!"

"And dreamy," added Jadeite.

"Yeah…" said Beryl. "Hey wait! What are you making me say?!"

"Heh," said Jadeite.


"So, stars, that's why I'm going to cosmology school. While my skill with the cosmos is unquestioned, I would like a written degree for those who are not familiar with my talents. Also my wall is a bit empty, so a degree would be a nice complement to my room scheme."

"Good luck," said the stars. "We'll always be with you."

Nephrite pounded his chest and gave a piece sign. He left.


Zoisite sat at the barbershop.

"Give me the usual trim," he said.

"Okey doke," said Motoki. He spent 30 minutes intricately trimming Zoisite's hair.

Zoisite started to get bored, so he decided to strike up a conversation.

"Say Motoke, how's your sister doing?"

"Not very well," said Motoki sadly. "She's deathly ill."

"Does she still hate me?" asked Zoisite.

"She's too sick to hate anyone," said Motoki, but that was a lie.

"Ah, that's good," said Zoisite. "Motoki, how's the arcade?"

"Well, that other guy is on duty right now, so it makes me nervous. Only I know how to run the arcade."

Zoisite nodded. "It must be tough."

"Alright, all done," said Motoki, blowing the loose strands of hair with a blow-dryer.

"Be sure to tip generously!" he said with a chuckle.

"Of course," said Zoisite. "You did a great job."

Then he looked in his wallet. He only had a couple bills.

"Awww… no! I really wanted burgers!" he thought.

Suddenly he got an idea. "What if I don't pay for the haircut?"

He walked to the door.

"Hey there," said Motoki. "Here's your bill!"

Zoisite left.

"Hey!" called Motoki. "You forgot to pay the bill! Come back! Should I put it on your tab?!"

But Zoisite was gone.

When he teleported home he was in a giddy state.

"That was awesome! I can't believe I got a full haircut, and didn't even pay!"

"Impressive," said Kunzite.

"I need to do that again," stated Zoisite. "It's such a rush!"

"That's unfortunate," said Kunzite. "Because if you get your hair cut any shorter you might look like a guy!"

"Drat!" realized Zoisite. "You're right! There's no way that will work. But it's so much fun! Kunzite, wanna step up to the hot-seat and give it a go?"

"Nooooo," said Kunzite. "I only trust my Youma barber to cut my hair."

"The one from that Endymion episode?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes."

"D'ah. But what will I do? I can't just wait for my hair to grow back!"


Zoisite walked into the barbershop with a wig.

"Hey!" said Motoki. "Welcome to this shop. Are you new in town?"

"Yeeaaaah!" said Zoisite. "I want a perm and a really elaborate haircut. Three layers and waves and stuff like that."

"Okay," said Motoki.

"Also I want the most expensive shampoo you have."

"Okay," said Motoki. "Take a seat."

Motoki slaved away for hours.

"Woowee!" he said.

Motoki started to get giddy, knowing he would get a huge tip. "I've completely transformed your look!"

"Thanks," said Zoisite.

He headed towards the door without taking a peak in his wallet.

"Hey," said Motoki, chuckling nervously. "You're not going to leave without paying, are you? I just had a customer do that today and-"

Zoisite was gone.

"NO!" cried Motoki.

Zoisite continued walking and threw the wig down into the street.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH! What a rush!"


"Hey Zoisite," began Kunzite a couple days later. "Why'd you order this huge box of wigs?"

"Oh boy, it arrived! I'm gonna go get some haircuts!"

"What do you mean?" asked Kunzite.

"Sit down," said Zoisite. "You're about to be knocked off your feet."

Kunzite sat down skeptically.

"I have developed a scheme that even surpasses dining and dashing."

"No way," said Kunzite. "Impossible."

"No," said Zoisite. He left it at that. "Anyway, after considering numerous possible names, such as the 'Groom and Gallop,' or the "Trim and Trot,' I have settled on the most genius term ever. I call it the 'Snip and Dip!' Where I get a haircut using a wig and then leave without paying!"

"You monster!" said Kunzite. "You are an evil person! There's a special place in hell for people like you!"

However, in the Negaverse, these were all compliments.

"Thanks," said Zoisite. "I try."

"This is even more genius than Jed's military plan with the soap," continued Kunzite.

"Don't even compare this to that time Jed sabotaged the military in order to make them run extra laps! My plan is much more efficient!"

"Okay," said Kunzite.

"So long!" said Zoisite heading out for a long day.


Nephrite sauntered into cosmology school with a suitcase in hand.

"I am ready to learn!" he said giddily.

He took his seat.

"Hey! Nephrite!" squawked a familiar voice.

"Oh, no," said Nephrite grimly. "Don't tell me!"

"Don't tell you what?" asked Melvin.

Nephrite growled loudly. "Why are you in cosmology school?"

"Huh?" said Melvin. "I'm just here to learn the basics."

Nephrite put his head in his hands. "Of all the rotten luck! And he has to be sitting right next to me!"

The professor walked in.

"Hello, class," they said. "Take out a sheet of paper."

Nephrite opened his suitcase, and then pulled a suitcase out.

He grabbed a suitcase from that suitcase, and opened it.

Then, he reached in a suitcase and pulled out his notebook.

"Pssst!" whispered Melvin loudly. "Can I borrow a pencil?"

"What? No, go away!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm not a supply shop!"

"Come on!" insisted Melvin. "Help a brother out!"

"No!" repeated Nephrite.

"I'm going to fail without a pencil!" cried Melvin. He started to sob.

"Haha," said Nephrite. "Good."

Nephrite turned around, and Melvin had his iPhone 7 out.

"Yeah, Molly?" said Melvin. "So that guy Nephrite-"

"Here, take it!" barked Nephrite, tossing a pen at Melvin. "Just hang up the phone."

Melvin examined the pen. "I said pencil. I need the eraser in case I make a mistake!"

"Well I only have pens," growled Nephrite.

Melvin shook his head sadly. He hung up the phone call.

Molly called back but he did not answer.

"Now," began the prof.

"Pssst!" said Melvin. "Can I borrow a sheet of paper?"

"What?! NO!" yelled Nephrite. "I have this nice composition book and all the pages are numbered. I'm not ripping one out."

"Rip out page number one," suggested Melvin.

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

"Alright," said Melvin. "Rip out the first three, just in case. Most books start at page four anyway!"

"This isn't a book!" yelled Nephrite. "Why didn't you bring anything to class?!"

"I brought my MacBook Pro," said Melvin. "But it's out of batteries! I have the charger but I didn't sit near the outlet. I was going to take all my notes on there!"

"Why are you in a college-level class, anyway?" demanded Nephrite.

"Heh heh heh," said Melvin, pushing up his glasses. He left it at that.

"Here, just take the whole notebook!" shouted Nephrite. "And while you're at it, take my lunch money!"

Nephrite tossed his wallet in Melvin's face.

"Calm down," said Melvin.

"No, here, take the clothes off my back!" Nephrite took off his jacket and threw it on Melvin. Next he removed his shirt and his shoes. Then his socks and his trousers.

"Umm," paused the professor. "Do we have a problem back there?"

"I'm sorry on his behalf," apologized Melvin. "This young man has anger problems it appears. I just asked him for a pencil and a piece of paper."

"Mr. Stanton," said the professor. "Would you like to leave my classroom?"

"No," said Nephrite. He sat down in his underpants.

"Can I, uh… have my clothes back?" he asked. "Maybe I did over react."

"Here ya go!" said Melvin.

"Hey, where's my jacket?" demanded Nephrite.

"Eh, it's a little chilly," said Melvin. "And you did give it to me…"

Nephrite got up and walked out of the class. He decided he'd go to the later session.


Nephrite sauntered back into the classroom later that day in a new outfit.

"A fresh start," he said cheerfully. He sat down.

"Hey, can I have a sheet of paper?" asked Melvin.

"WHAT?!" cried Nephrite. "Why are you still here?!"

"Oh," said Melvin. "I missed some of the notes earlier because I'm not a fast writer. So I came to this session to fill in the blanks, ya know?"

Nephrite stared at him blankly. "Can you move?" he said.

"Out of my seat?" asked Melvin. "Why would I do that?"

"Uh, you could move to the outlet and charge your Mac," reminded Nephrite.

"I already took my notes on paper though," said Melvin. "I'll have to do it for the rest of the year for consistency."

"I gave you a whole notebook, why are you out of paper?"

"I write large," answered Melvin. "Any more questions, or are you going to give me a sheet?"

Nephrite tore out 20 pages of his new notebook and threw them at Melvin.

"Write smaller!" he shouted.

The professor came in the lecture hall. As they walked past Nephrite, they nodded at him in recognition.

"Welcome back, Mr. Stanton. Glad to see you have your pants on this time."

Nephrite grunted.


Zoisite walked into Motoki's barber shop.

Even though he had scammed many other places so far, Motoki's was still his favorite.

"I'll have the fanciest hairstyle you offer!" called Zoisite.

"Is that so?" said Motoki. "Well, then I'll need you to enter all your information into this computer."

Zoisite paused. "Why?"

"Well, not that I don't have faith in my customers, but recently there has been some hooligan dining and dashing with haircuts."

"I heard it's called the snip and dip," said Zoisite, adjusting his wig.

"Hmm, that is clever," admitted Motoki. "But it's not funny for the working man."

"I agree," said Zoisite.

He walked over to the monitor and entered his information.

Then, he got the fanciest haircut Motoki could muster.

"Alrighty then," said Motoki.

Zoisite walked over to the counter and pulled out his wallet.

"Can I have a lollipop?" he asked.

"Uh, those are usually for young kids," said Motoki. "But sure."

"Thanks," said Zoisite. "Here's my credit card, add 20 bucks tip."

"Wowee," said Motoki in shock. "Thanks!"

He scanned the card.

"Hey, wait a second! This is a 5 dollar Starbucks card that's expired!"

He looked up and Zoisite and the lollipop box were gone.

"AAHHHHHHHH!" shouted Motoki.

Then suddenly he got a wicked grin on his face.

"Haha, he thought he could fool me again! But I have his information now, and I'll turn it over straight to the police!"

He opened up the information file on his computer.

"Heh heh, here's his full name and address!"

Motoki read it out loud. "Motoki Furuhata, address… HEY! I'm Motoki Furuhata! And this is my address! And my phone number?! But… but how!?"

Motoki kicked the counter and screamed.


Zoisite walked into Crown Haircuts the next day in an extra-long wig.

"I'll get a bob cut," he decided.

That's when he spotted Motoki hanging from the ceiling, limp.

"Ah, woah there!" cried Zoisite. "I didn't want this to happen! I guess the poor guy couldn't take it anymore, wow!"

Zoisite figured he should pay his respects, so he walked over and read Motoki's suicide note.

"I hope the man who did this to me someday suffers for what he has done. I hope he sees my death on the news and reflects on his actions, realizing the sins he has committed. He will have to live with this the rest of his life, and never know happiness again! And further-"

Zoisite stopped reading it and threw away the note. "Alright, that's enough. What a dramatic guy."

He walked out and flipped the open sign to closed.

Then he headed to the hair cuttery down the street.

During the long haircut that followed, he had a lot of time to think.

"Hmm, maybe I did go a bit overboard with that last one," he thought in retrospect.

"Alright," said the barber. "That will be $40."

"Yeah right," said Zoisite. He left.

"Mmmmm," he said.


Nephrite graduated from cosmology school at the end of the semester.

He was handed his diploma.

"Hey, you spelled cosmology wrong!" he realized, looking at the degree.

"You mean cosmetology," said the professor.

"What? No! I mean cosmology!"

The professor shook their head. "This was a class to get a cosmetology license."

"Are you kidding me?!" demanded Nephrite. "Is that why we didn't talk about stars once, and you spent all that time going over how to do hair and make-up?!"

"Yes," said the professor.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Well that was a waste of four months! Cosmology, cosmetology, what's the difference?! Why do they have two words that are so close!?"

The professor just shook their head sadly.

"Congrats!" said Melvin. "What are you going to do with your license?"

"Shut up, queer haircut boy! I'm not doing anything with it! I thought this class would be about space!" Nephrite yelled.

"Hmm," said Melvin. "Well, I'm going to get a job as a barber. Maybe I'll run into Molly one day and give her the best haircut of her life! There's no better way to win her heart!"

"Really now?" said Nephrite, pausing. "I mean, I did get the license. Maybe I should do something with it to make my time spent worthwhile."


Nephrite opened up a hair salon.

"Stanton's Snip Shop," he read, admiring his neon sign. "Has a nice ring to it!"

He taped up a huge grand opening banner and then stepped inside.

"They'll be eating out of the palm of my hand in no time!" he said giddily.

The first customer walked in.

"Oh boy!" said Neph. "Welcome to Stanton's Snip Shop!"

"Hey Maxfield," said Melvin. "Are you hiring?"

"What? NO!" shouted Nephrite. "Get out of here!"

"Please," begged Melvin. "I can't find work!"

"Get out!" repeated Nephrite.

Melvin didn't budge, so Nephrite had to throw him out.

"And stay out!" he shouted, slamming the door.


Zoisite sat at home, checking all the local newspapers for new hair cutteries.

"Oh boy, a fresh one!" he said giddily. "Stanton's Snip Shop."

He thought for a long time. "Mmmm, Stanton. I've heard that before, but I just can't place it."

Zoisite put on a wig. "Time to check this place out! Stanton's Snip Shop is about to get snipped, and dipped!"


Zoisite walked into Stanton's Snip Shop.

"Hey, young lady," said Nephrite in a flirty voice. "Ready for the most amazing haircut of your life?"

Zoisite looked up. "Woah! Maxfield Stanton?! Is Nephrite?! I forgot about that!"

He sat down in the seat, but he couldn't contain his giddy. "Since when was Nephrite a barber?" he wondered. "Either way, he's gonna get it this time! He won't know what hit him, this will be my biggest win yet!"

"So what can I do for ya?" asked Nephrite. "I know all styles and techniques."

"Is that so?" smirked Zoisite. "Then I'll have the most elaborate cut you can come up with!"

Nephrite's eyes lit up and he took this as a personal challenge. "Prepare to be amazed!"

Nephrite went to it for many hours.

He used tools and gadgets Zoisite had never seen before, and in the end, he had a cut which totaled over $2,000.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Will that be in cash or check? And, will your tip be 15% or 20%?"

"Tell it to the New York Times!" yelled Zoisite.

"Huh?" said Nephrite.

Zoisite dashed off out the door.

"HEY!" shouted Nephrite.

He started sprinting at top speeds after the customer, and soon exceeded the sound barrier.

Zoisite looked back over his shoulder. "SHIT!" he cried. "I underestimated Nephrite's stamina!"

He quickly leapt into a portal face first.

Nephrite skidded to a halt. "Was that a portal to the Negaverse?" he asked in shock. "Hey, wait a minute!"


Zoisite appeared in Beryl's throne room.

Jadeite and Kunzite stood before Beryl.

"GUYS!" cried Zoisite. "You gotta help me! Nephrite is blood-lusted like never before!"

"I was speaking," barked Beryl.

"Beryl, save me!" cried Zoisite.

"You have a lot of nerve," said Beryl. "You've let me down numerous tim-"

"Can it!" yelled Zoisite. "This is an emergency!"

Suddenly Nephrite swooped in out of a portal and leapt straight for Zoisite, and no one had fast enough reaction time to help him.

Nephrite threw a knee into Zoisite's neck and he was no more.

"HEY!" yelled Kunzite.

Nephrite leapt back in the portal and never returned to the Negaverse again.

"Darn it!" said Kunzite. "Where did Nephrite live again?!"

Beryl looked at Jadeite and Jadeite looked at Beryl.

"We don't know," said Beryl.

"I will spend the rest of my immortal life hunting down Nephrite!" vowed Kunzite.

FIN