"It's Einmánuður," Snotlout announced, to everyone's confusion.
He was prone to sudden outbursts, that was nothing new; but even his more asinine comments usually fit somewhere on the peripherals of the conversation at hand. Fishlegs glanced up at him, bemused, then looked to Hiccup for some kind of translation.
Hiccup was just as clueless. He shrugged his shoulders before returning to their game ofhnefatafl.
"What has that got to do with anything?" Fishlegs asked, fiddling with the discarded pawn in his thick hands.
"In case you haven't noticed, it's freezing balls outside," Snotlout replied, as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world.
"Just like it has been every winter for as long as Berk has stood here," Hiccup muttered, moving one of his game pieces the number of spaces indicated on the dice he had rolled. "Also, long before that."
Snotlout continued, "I, for one, am looking forward to summer in a few weeks."
"Praise the gods, you can read a calendar," Hiccup said.
Snotlout scowled at him. "My point, asshole, is the first official dragon race of the summer season is almost here, and you are still down a teammate. This isn't friendly flying around the island anymore. This is fans shouting, sheep hunting, livestock dunking─for points. So far, it looks like it's going to be three-on-two, unless..."
Fishlegs froze, eyes flickering back and forth between Hiccup and Snotlout. He twisted his hands around the captured black pawn he had been toying with.
"Fishlegs, he's dead," Hiccup said, nodding to the game piece the other boy was strangling. "Let him rest with dignity."
Fishlegs gave a nervous chuckle and dropped the pawn beside the hnefatafl board, drumming his fingers on the tabletop instead. Snotlout said nothing further, but Hiccup was aware of his cousin's expectant stare boring into his side.
"I'm assuming you want to know what I plan on doing─if I'm going to ask Astrid or not," Hiccup replied, his expression never cracked.
"We don't need to have teams," Fishlegs interjected, voice quavering enough to betray his nerves."We can race as individuals, or─"
"It's fine, Fishlegs. You and I have gone against Team Snotnuts before without any trouble," Hiccup said.
"Huh? What about Team Snotnuts?" Tuffnut piped up.
He and Ruffnut had been engaged in their own arm-wrestling competition, oblivious to a rest of the conversation taking place beside them. When Tuffnut took notice, his sister overpowered him, pinning his arm to the tabletop and spilling a tankard of ale onto the hnefataflboard. Hiccup, Fishlegs, and Snotlout, all pushed back from the table as the amber puddle dripped over the edge.
"Really, guys?" Fishlegs huffed at the unapologetic pair.
"I guess our match has been decided by a deluge of alcohol. I suppose it wouldn't be the first time stalwart Norsemen have been defeated by ale," Hiccup remarked, picking up a wet pawn and examining its carved face now peppered with foam.
As if to punctuate his statement, chants of "Drink! Drink! Drink!" echoed through the Great Hall. Somewhere, an intense chugging competition was taking place.
"Stop avoiding the issue!" Snotlout demanded, knocking the game piece from his hand.
Hiccup narrowed his eyes at his cousin.
"I'm not avoiding anything. All I'm saying is that Fishelgs and I don't need a third teammate to compete. But if you're so determined to keep the numbers even, you can go ask Astrid if she wants to race. It makes no difference to me, either way."
Snotlout glared back, and Hiccup knew his cousin had no intention of approaching Astrid. Snotlout did not like being replaced, especially by older boys who were more quintessentially Norse than hew was. His pride would not allow him to seem needy; he would not ask Astrid to return to their group.
"I would think you'd care more," Snotlout muttered. "You two used to be a thing."
"We were never a 'thing.' We were only ever friends."
That realization had burned when it first dawned on him; but months later, it only filled him with bitterness and regret. He had been so foolish to think the occasional stolen kiss was tantamount to any real, significant feelings. Girls played by different rules. He had been an ignorant boy in love, he supposed, blinded by Astrid's geniality, mistaking it for caring after years of being ignored, hungry for acceptance and affection he had so long been denied. Whatever love he had for her then had since become inextricably entwined with resentment. Hiccup could not determine which emotion was stronger.
"Well, none of us were that special, when you think about it," Ruffnut spoke up. She gestured across the Great Hall and added, "Look at her, sitting there like she's the fucking queen. It's like we never meant anything to her at all."
Astrid was indeed with her new circle of friends, laughing as two of the heavily tattooed young men wrestled each other. She cheered them on while they threw punches. By the smirks on their faces, it was all in good fun to work out some aggression, hone their skills, and to entertain. Older boys, like Stefnir, had been killing dragons a couple years before Hiccup and his friends had even been eligible to learn. Combat was what they knew, and though peace was upon their village, they needed an outlet. They were still warriors, and fist fights were an acceptable pastime. It was not uncommon, though Hiccup could not relate─but Astrid apparently did.
"Maybe we should ask Astrid if she wants to be in the race?" Fishlegs suggested. "She's our friend, right? It's only fair to give her the opportunity."
"Friend? Is that what you'd call her?" Tuffnut replied, frowning. "I'd call her 'that girl who sometimes remembers we're alive.' If the occasional visit to the academy and is what you'd call friendship, then I must not understand the word."
"That wouldn't be entirely surprising," Snotlout teased.
"I know. That's what I meant. I really might not understand the word," Tuffnut said, brow wrinkled.
"Guys, I'm just trying to stop things from getting worse between us," Fishlegs stated.
He always tried to be the reasonable, sympathetic soul in the group, and Hiccup could appreciate that. Fishlegs and Astrid had a good rapport, so he remained neutral amid all the animosity the other teens directed her. Someone needed to hold the middle ground, because Hiccup was too affected by the loss of Astrid's attention to pretend the others' insults bothered him much. From an objective eye, Astrid did not deserve all the disdain. She had drifted away without intending to be hurtful. Her life was her business, as well as who she chose to play a prominent role in it. But Hiccup's rational mind was just not speaking to his bruised heart, so objectivity was of no comfort.
"If she wants to spend more of her time with Stefnir and his friends, that's her prerogative," he said. "You can't change her mind, Fishlegs."
"But we can keep reminding her we're here and we care," Fishlegs replied, bright and hopeful. "So, who's going to ask her?"
Snotlout shook his head and answered, "Care? You kind of have to give a shit for that to work. Unfortunately, I don't."
He began to walk off and the twins leaped to their feet.
"There's the pressing matter of getting more ale," Tuffnut said.
"Very important," Ruffnut added.
The two of them hurried off after Snotlout before they were recruited. Hiccup and Fishlegs were left sitting there, staring at each other, with a river of spilled alcohol and a soaked game board between them.
"I guess it'll have to be me then," Fishlegs sighed. He rubbed his large arm, shifting his weight. "I'm not going to make you do it."
Hiccup replied, "I don't know what you think you're saving me from."
"It can't be easy to see her with those other guys."
"What makes you say that?"
Fishlegs leaned in to whisper, "Hiccup, come on─this is me you're talking to."
Hiccup's stomach clenched. In Astrid's absence,the two boys were closer than they had ever been. Perhaps Fishlegs had learned to read him over the course of a year? Or Hiccup was still a bit too transparent.
"You think I'm hiding some deep, inner turmoil?" Hiccup muttered.
"No, no. You're clearly above whatever is going on between you and her, but I'm not as oblivious as Snotlout and the twins. I think you loved Astrid once, regardless of how you feel about her now," Fishlegs remarked. "Somehow, somewhere, that has got to hurt."
Hiccup was thankful he was still somewhat opaque; thankful that those closest to him could only speculate how miserable he felt.
"I don't think I ever loved her, but maybe I gave it my best shot?" he mused. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. There's nothing to be gained by talking about it."
"You're right. Emotions. What a mess. It's kind of inappropriate to get into all of that," Fishlegs replied with a sheepish grin. He held up his hands in surrender, scooting away on the bench to provide physical space to match.
"Kind of."
"Too personal?"
Hiccup nodded. Expressing general unhappiness was one thing, but it was unbecoming for a Hooligan to dwell on matters of the heart. Such talk was reserved for close family or lovers, but it did not prevent the unorthodox individual from being curious and asking what need not be asked─nosy individuals, like Fishlegs and Gobber. Most definitely, Gobber. Fishlegs, to a lesser extent.
"Sorry," Fishlegs apologized for his solecism. He rose to his feet and said, "I'll ask her, then-to make it up to you. It's bound to be awkward, no matter who goes."
"If you insist," Hiccup replied, feigning indifference to mask his relief.
Fishlegs ambled away, and Hiccup watched him approach the pack of older teens. He stopped to make friendly conversation with Stefnir, who had an annoying habit of being far too interested in who spoke to Astrid. Anyone with a penis was under particular scrutiny. For all Astrid's denial that she and Stefnir were a legitimate couple, the young man displayed possessive tendencies that made Hiccup uneasy. Stefnir draped an arm around Astrid as Fishlegs chatted with them, even though there was hardly a Norseman less threatening. Astrid seemed rather nonchalant as Stefnir pulled her closer.
Fishlegs had begun talking to Astrid, no doubt telling her about the upcoming official race to gauge her interest. She grinned and nodded, and Hiccup felt a sort of regrettable excitement. He was not so much looking forward to her presence, but the energy she brought to a dragon race, instead. She could stir up the crowd and race twice as hard as anyone. It was difficult not to find her enthusiasm infectious, though he hated the small part of himself that wanted her on his team.
He groaned to himself and swiveled on the bench to stand, casting one more glance in Astrid's direction. A clear mistake.
That moment, she had sought him out as well, and he felt a visceral dread as their eyes met. Her smiled faded as she stared at him, morphing into something unreadable that hovered in the realm of wistful contemplation. He did not know if she was expecting a friendly acknowledgment, like a nod of the head or a wave; but he could not uncurl his fists from where they rested, tight in his lap. He did not know why her gaze lingered on him, or what possessed her to look for him to begin with. Her head games she threatened to rope him back in. Her mind-bending motivations were the reason he was so aloof around her─why he resisted any conversation too friendly. He had crawled out from the woeful chasm, but one push from Astrid would send him back in.
She had no right to look at him like that-like she had some great problem and he was her solution. It was as if she was compelled to make things needlessly complicated when they were quite simple: she had her boys, she had made her choice. There was no room for Hiccup but as a casual acquaintance. He did not want to play. There was no way for it to possibly end well. As she sat there, perhaps hoping for some amicable gesture aimed her way, he could only think of one action that was warranted.
He stood up and strode off, searching for a rag to mop up the puddle of ale that drowned the hnefataflboard. He reached back for his small braid, making sure it was in place so Astrid did not have an excuse to touch him if their paths crossed again. In the months since the hair-braiding had started, he learned that grudgingly leaving the decorations alone kept her busy fingers at bay. He did not glance back at her as he weaved between tables, finding his current task more important than Astrid's reaction to his standoffishness.
Messes never did clean themselves.
The seasons had turned. Summer was fully upon them, and Astrid was restless. Just shy of eighteen, her life would soon be completely out of her hands. She supposed it already was, to a degree. Some things were still left to settle; unresolved issues that weighed on her mind. She was afraid to move forward with loose ends.
"Does Hiccup hate me, or what?" she asked, trying to sound offhanded as possible.
Ruffnut made an irritated noise and turned, clutching her saddle.
"If you were around more, maybe you'd know," she replied.
The female Thorston was as bitter as the rest of her former group of friends, but at least the two of them were on speaking terms. Ruffnut resented the reduction in the amount of girl time and talk of young men, but they were still closer than Astrid was with any of the boys from the old circle.
"I hung out with you last week, remember? In the Great Hall, for the drinking contest between you and Snotlout? I held back your hair when you puked," Astrid retorted, rolling her eyes. "I am around."
"Yeah, sure─for competitions and when you're bored because Stefnir's busy," Tuffnut said, fixing his saddle to Belch.
Astrid frowned as she unburdened Stormfly. She had just returned from a solo flight, unable to find anyone to accompany her. The Thorston twins were prepared to fly only now that she was finished. She had, for a brief moment, spotted Hiccup and Toothless soaring among the clouds, but when she called out for them to let her catch up, she had lost sight of them almost immediately. She tried to tell herself that it had been unintentional, that they were not ignoring her─but there had been something deliberate about their sharp turn. Her heart ached to watch him flee from her, but it was for the best. Being around Hiccup was dangerous. He made her feel too much.
"How is that going, anyway?" Ruffnut asked. "You've been with Stefnir for, what? Close to a year now?"
"Something like that," Astrid replied.
She did not know the exact length of time, because it had been an informal announcement unworthy of a commemorative date. For a whole year, she had denied she was dating anyone, but eventually, she could not fight it. They were too obvious, and everyone would come to know how serious things with really were between her and Stefnir Svenson soon enough. She had not been happy about becoming "official", or whatever it was that labeled her unavailable, but she had let it slip in passing. Since then, she no longer had cause to refute their boyfriend-girlfriend status. Astrid had let the other riders know that Stefnir was there to stay. Fishlegs just nodded, and Snotlout huffed, folding his arms across his broad chest. Ruffnut fished around in her pocket for a piece of hack silver to pay her brother for whatever wager had been set between them.
Hiccup had just...
Astrid sighed, remembering the distinct lack of a response from him. He had barely even looked up from his sketches of Berk's new aqueduct system. A brief flicker of green in her direction with the tiniest skip of his pencil on the parchment was all he gave her. He had heard her, but could not care any less. That had been worse than if he had sneered.
She expected too much from him. They had been growing apart for the past two years; but there was no other way to make things work. She could not get to know Stefnir─fall for him like she was supposed to─with Hiccup drawing her in with his inescapable gravity.
She tried to ignore him , but she could not. There was nothing to be gained from braiding his hair or pestering him in the smithy, but she wanted to at least lay eyes on him from time to time. She wanted to touch him in some manner to ensure he was still real and he had not faded from her life entirely.
Reason battled with compulsion; what she wanted versus what she needed─and both were embodied by two very different young men. She could only have the one of them. Little by little, she tried to let go of Hiccup; but the minute he had started to pull away of his own volition, she could not stop it. He was fading from her grasp faster and more completely than she had intended. Trying to maintain a friendship with him now was like trying to keep water cupped in her hands. Her attempts to speak to him fell flat. She tried to rekindle some level of closeness, but it always backfired. He was a distant and unfamiliar heart wearing the kind face of her best friend.
Or rather, the boy who used to be her best friend.
Stormfly pulled her out of her reverie with a loud, excited squawk. Regardless of whatever tension existed between their humans, dragons could still enjoy a good enough rapport with one another.
Toothless glided into the stables and Stormfly wanted to go to him─her playmate─but the intuitive dragons sensed their riders' hesitation and remained apart. The Night Fury warbled a greeting and Stormfly bobbed her head: the most interaction they would allow themselves with Hiccup and Astrid present.
"Oh, look. Hiccup's back. Y'know, if you have any burning questions for him..." Ruffnut teased. Astrid shot her a dirty look and she cackled, mounting her half of her Zippleback. "Don't forget, you and Stefnir agreed to do patrol for us tomorrow," the female Thorston added.
Astrid waved her hand dismissively and the twins took off, leaving her alone in the newly constructed subterranean stables with Hiccup and Toothless. She almost wished they had not left her with the one person who least wanted to see her. Almost. The particular type of pain that came from interacting with him was bittersweet, and Astrid was feeling a little masochistic.
Hiccup did not look at her as he dismounted Toothless, but she stared at him and his windswept hair, which was far more attractive than it had any right to be. He had the audacity to grow more handsome from the moment she decided to give up on him.
"I suppose you didn't hear me calling you earlier," she said, hands on her hips.
Hiccup glanced at her, but only for a moment.
"When was that?" he asked, flattening out his tousled hair.
"A little while ago, when you were flying. I was out on Stormfly. I tried to get your attention."
"Must've been too far away." He shrugged, and strode past her.
She dropped a hand down by her side, extending it just enough to barely brush Hiccup's hand as he walked by. Well-attuned to subtle body movements from years of combat training, she noticed him tense. He continued on like he had not noticed the contact.
"Wait," Astrid said. She wanted to prolong things just a bit more; their interactions were so few and far between.
Hiccup stopped, though he did not seem happy about it. She saw the rise and fall in his shoulders from the heavy sigh he kept to himself. He could not pretend to be deaf to her in such a tight space; and despite his aloof demeanor, he was also compelled to be more polite than the rest of their mutual friends. He turned, looking at her, and Astrid felt a twinge of sadness for the warmth missing from his eyes. That used to lift her spirits, but there was nothing there for her anymore. He just stood there, saying nothing and displaying no particular feeling at all.
"You're missing a braid," she said, running her fingers through his hair. He often had one, but it was not enough. She had recently taken to giving him two so she would not be deterred if he had kept one in place from the day before. She should not have been touching him─but it always felt good until the moment she stopped. Then she would feel ashamed.
"Oh. Well, by all means. I understand how vital that is to my appearance," he replied, gaze darting to the exit and back.
She grinned, but it faded when she realized he was not smiling too. Apparently, he had not meant to be funny; and he was only tolerating her childish behavior because he was too kind to say whatever words caught at the back of his throat. He was never cruel in his apathy, but never giving her more cordial regard than she was due. Life seemed to have lost all sense, given that he treated Snotlout with a bit more consideration than he did her, if for no other reason than the two cousins spent more time together.
"Done," she said, holding on to the tiny plait until there was no longer a sensible reason to do so. She let go of him with reluctance, but she honestly did not know what she was trying to hang on to, or why. She had a man, and he was not Hiccup.
"Is that all?" he asked, neither rude nor impatient.
Always the same question, sometimes reworded. "Is that all?" or "Is there anything else?" A narrow-ended question containing his hope to leave, or to see her leave. In two years, he had ended almost every conversation the same way.
"Yes," she answered, and he inclined his head respectfully.
He turned to his dragon, attitude brightening in an instant for Toothless.
"Let's go, bud," he told the Night Fury. Toothless trotted after him.
Stormfly fidgeted, wishing to follow them, and her pathetic cry captured the Night Fury's attention. He gazed back with rounded pupils and the softest growl.
Hiccup paused and studied the dragons before his eyes met Astrid's again, one more time. It was not fair that their dragons' companionship had to be collateral damage in whatever it was they were doing to one another. She did not have a word to define whatever existed between her and Hiccup anymore.
"Did I do something to you? Do you─do you hate me?" she asked, steeling herself in anticipation of whatever terrible answer he might give. "Are you angry with me for dating Stefnir?"
Hiccup's eyebrows raised and he visibly recoiled; it first clear emotion she had seen on his face in days.
"Hate you?" he replied. Then, he seemed to regain his composure, slipping back into that lukewarm demeanor. "No, Astrid. I don't hate you. Why would I? I would have to be personally offended you're dating Stefnir, and I'm not. After all, it's not like there's anything significant that was lost between us."
He might as well have slapped her. Astrid balled her hand into a fist.
Hiccup retreated up the stairs with his dragon, unconcerned with whatever her response might be. The indistinct echoes of his murmured conversation with Toothless rattled inside her brain. She was sure he was gone before she kicked over the nearest barrel in outrage. Dung-caked mucking tools clattered on to the ground, scattering Terrible Terrors in a panic.
She was filled with so much hurt, confusion, and indignation, her body's only recourse was to shake. Her fingers trembled as she stroked her concerned Nadder's snout, feeling her blood pressure drop a little. Her eyes stung and her throat felt dry, but Astrid Hofferson did not cry─not for anyone who did not deserve it.
"Why couldn't he have just said 'yes'?" she muttered, to no one in particular.
"You're upset," Stefnir announced, as if it was some kind of revelation.
Astrid did not need the heads up. A full day had not been long enough to clear her head of Hiccup and his harsh words.
"It's nothing," she replied, forcing a smile.
She wanted to shake off her discontent and focus on scouting the night, swirling water below for signs of Marauders-assorted rabble from the remnants of the Berserkers and Outcasts. She and Stefnir were filling in for the Thorston twins, as promised. They could at least do a better job than the inattentive and distracted siblings. That much was certain.
"It's him again, isn't it?" Stefnir asked. Even the darkness, she could see his scowl highlighted by the luminous waxing moon above.
Astrid rolled her eyes. She did not like it when her own mind dwelled on Hiccup. She did not need Stefnir to join in the misery and make it worse.
"Please, Stef. I want to drop it," she said, flying ahead of him as they rounded a sharp, craggy bend.
Patrolling the sea around Berk was a chore, but for their dragons, it was an excuse to stretch their wings.
"No. Evidently, this isn't getting any better. Whatever it is, I'm going to confront him about it. I don't care if he's the chief's son or not!"
Astrid eased up on Stormfly, and her dragon slowed until she was flying parallel to Stefnir's tawny Monstrous Nightmare.
"No, you will not," she demanded and he quirked an eyebrow. "Hiccup's not doing anything deliberate. He's just..."
She did not know what to say. Plaguing her thoughts? Torturing her with his distance? The truth was problematic to her current relationship. She had learned to like Stefnir─really, she had. She no longer recoiled from his kisses, and she even initiated a peck or two so he believed her to be interested. Her kisses were always quick and sometimes followed up by an embrace─never anything more serious from her lips. She was to the point where she could accept his affections, but that was far easier than giving hers.
"Tell Hiccup about us, then. Tell all of them about the future. Sever those ties for good," Stefnir said.
Astrid stomach knotted at the thought.
"I can't do that," she replied.
"Tell them? Or leave them behind?"
"Either? Both? Does it matter? They're my friends. They have been for a long time─well, most of them, anyway. I'm not just going to walk out of their lives because you think it's the right thing to do."
"Why not? You're halfway to it, from what I can tell. It would make things easier on everyone, especially once you tell them the reason," Stefnir explained.
Astrid tilted her head back and closed her eyes, feeling her bangs and loose strands of hair whipping around her face as Stormfly glided over the rolling waves. She took a deep breath, feeling her hands tightening on the horn of her saddle, inhaling the salty air and warmth of the summer night.
"I'm not going to tell them we're engaged," she asserted. "Not yet. It's not a good time."
"For you, or for them?"
Astrid opened her eyes and glared at him.
"Again, does it matter?" she retorted.
Stefnir's shoulders rounded.
"Look, babe. I don't want to fight with you, but you're almost eighteen now. I'll be twenty-one. In a few months, my fifteen-year-old sister is marrying her fiance. We're overdue. Why are we delaying it? What are you waiting for?"
Astrid used to know the answer, back when she had hoped enough stalling would cause the Svenson clan to lose interest in a union with the Hoffersons─but wealth, honor, and power were compelling motivators, and not easily forgotten. Neither her parents, nor his, would bow out and disgrace their respective family names. They had their sights set on mutual gain and a longstanding blood debt that even Astrid, headstrong as she was, felt she could not contest. She was bound to Stefnir as long as the marriage contract stood. There was no use in prolonging the inevitable.
"If it gets you off my case, I will tell them tomorrow," she relented. "Gods only knows I couldn't bare the shame if your little sister got married before us."
She forced a smile and Stefnir chuckled. If she pretended to be cheerful long enough, she could start to believe she was, and they might drop the issue.
"Let's go back to the village," Stefnir said, pointedly. "We can do another check at sunrise."
Astrid nodded and let him lead, preparing herself to enjoy whatever method Stefnir used to bid her a goodnight; he liked physical affection and pushing past her boundaries.
It was not that he was unattractive, or that they did not get along. On the contrary, Astrid admired his combat skills and he was at least competent with a dragon. There was enough common ground to keep conversation from growing too dull, and he respected her as a warrior. He cared for her and was passably intelligent─but there was not a bright enough spark. At least, not for Astrid. She let him put his hands on her because it was all part of the act: a good wife-in-training. She could tolerate it, as every young woman who had survived an arranged marriage had to do. One day, she would wake up and love her husband, but it was not a sentiment she felt that night─not as they ushered their dragons into their adjacent stalls and Stefnir grabbed her with that devious grin of his.
She let him kiss her like dozens of times before. His lips were always greedy and his tongue was eager, but she stood there with her arms around his neck, doing nothing. Feeling nothing. She did not kiss him back and she did not push him away. Kissing him was never unpleasant, but she craved something different.
Her eyes fluttered closed and she started to kiss Stefnir back, because she was imagining for a moment that she was kissing someone else. In her mind, his lips were Hiccup's, and somehow that made it just a little bit better.
