"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite, dashing in with Kunzite as if the world was falling apart.

"What?" demanded Beryl.

"Well," began Jadeite, but Kunzite slugged him to the ground.

"Queen Beryl-sama," said Kunzite. "We just got Nephrite's wedding invitation."

"Oh no," said Beryl. "Is he marrying that human girl?"

"No," said Kunzite. "She's too young, even in Japan. It's worse! He's marrying that soda machine down the hall!"

"What?! NO!" cried Beryl. "That's Negaverse property! What is the meaning of this?!"

That's when Nephrite pranced in in a groom's outfit.

"It's my big day!" he announced.

"Nephrite, you're in big trouble!" yelled Beryl.

"Uh oh, who snitched?" demanded Nephrite.

"Wasn't me," said Zoisite.

"It was Jadeite," said Kunzite.

"Wait, what?!" cried Jadeite. "No!"

"Don't worry, Jadeite. I know it wasn't you because I didn't send you an invitation," explained Nephrite.

"Good," said Jadeite. "Wait what?!"

"You're in big trouble," repeated Beryl.

"Why?" asked Nephrite.

"There's gotta be some law against this!" said Beryl. "Hold on, let me get my Earth code of conduct."

"Why am I bound to Earth laws?" asked Nephrite angrily.

"Where were you planning on having the wedding?" replied Beryl.

"On Earth, of course," scoffed Nephrite.

"And where is your place of residence?"

"On Earth, of course," scoffed Nephrite. "Hey wait a second!"

"GG Neph, looks like the wedding's off!" said Zoisite.

"No," said Nephrite. He walked away.

"Come back here!" yelled Beryl. "I'm still searching for the legislation involving men and soda machines!"

But he did not return.


"We are gathered here today," began Boxy the Priest (obviously.) "To join in the holy matrimony of Nephrite and his beloved soda machine."

Standing as Nephrite's best men were Melvin, Jadeite, the Stars, and for unknown reasons, Seiya of the Three Lights.

"By the way, this changes nothing," whispered Nephrite to Melvin. "I was just short on people and didn't want my fiancée to think I didn't have any friends."

On the right side, as the bride's maids, were the toaster, the water fountain, a teapot, the microwave, and Ami Mizuno.

Boxy cleared his throat. "If anyone has a reason why these two, or should I say, this one and this machine, should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Zoisite went to stand up, but Kunzite shook his head.

"Let the boy have his day," said Kunzite.

"Come on, Kunzite," said Zoisite. "It's a machine! This can't be happening."

"Alright then," continued Boxy. "I guess we're good. Soda machine, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

The soda machine beeped twice.

"Good," said Boxy. "And Nephrite. Do you-"

Just then, Queen Beryl ran in with the police force.

"There he is, officers!" yelled Beryl. "Take him away!"

"What?! NO!" cried Nephrite. "You can't do this! You'll hear from my lawyer!"

The coppers dragged Nephrite away.

The soda machine beeped rapidly in protest but it did not help.


Nephrite stood before the Supreme Court of the world.

"People of the jury," he said. "I don't want to be here as much as you don't, but this is a problem that needs to be addressed. I have known this vending machine since the Silver Millennium, and during that time, we have fallen in love. I spend all my time with this vending machine, more time than I've spent with anyone in my life."

"But sir," said the judge. "With all due respect, that is an inanimate object, and does not have feelings. It is not a living being."

"Are you to say robots don't have feelings?" countered Nephrite, starting to get heated. "We live in a world where two guys can get married! Two guys! Surely, if a man and a soda machine want to wed, they should be able to! Does anyone disagree?"

Zoisite went to stand up, but Kunzite shook his head.

"Let the boy live his dream," said Kunzite.

"But Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "It's a machine!"

"I will call upon my lawyer to deliver my finishing statement," said Nephrite.

Jadeite pranced up in a suit. "Doctor J. Dite, at your service!"

Jadeite waited for a response.

"Wow," he said. "I was expecting you to be mad, Neph."

"Honestly," said Nephrite. "I'm just relieved it wasn't Melvin."

"Salutations," said Jadeite to the court. "This man, my good pal Nephrite who is a good guy, is here for no good reason. You see, he was just having a happy wedding, living his life, when he got ARRESTED! Ridiculous! Nephrite is a good guy," he repeated. "Sure, he's had a dark past, especially when he dated that 14-year-old human girl, and when he nearly killed all those people with his schemes for energy, but the past is the past."

The jury mumbled amongst themselves.

"And," continued Jadeite. "It's time for renovation! How many of you are actually affected by Nephrite's marriage? None of you! The future can start here! Today it's a man and a soda machine, but tomorrow, it can be a man and a toaster! Or, why stop there? Why not a man, and a bumblebee? Or a man and a young boy?"

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "Let's slow down there."

"No, I'm just getting started," said Jadeite. "We have to think out of the box more. We should be able to marry multiple people if it makes us happy, or multiple creatures! And someday, multiple objects! Here's an example: a man, a toothbrush, a man, a blanket, a young girl, a fireplace, a socket wrench, and a monkey, all living in perfect marital harmony! This is the future! This is now! This is-"

"I've heard enough," said the judge. "It's time to pass a new amendment!"

"NO!" yelled Beryl. "Judges can't do that! Know your place, mortal!"

"Shut up," said the judge. "The new amendment is this. Under no circumstance can a person marry an object. Court is dismissed."

"NOOOOO!" yelled Nephrite. "I demand a retrial!"

"YAHOOOOO!" said Zoisite.

"It's okay," said Jadeite, putting his hand on Neph's shoulder. "There's always the appeals court!"

Nephrite socked him a good one. "You're the worst lawyer ever!"

That's when Melvin walked in wearing a suit and a briefcase.

"Maxfield," said Melvin. "Your lawyer is here!"

"What?!" cried Nephrite. "Then-"

Jadeite legged it.


Nephrite headed back to the Negaverse in tears.

"I hate Earth," he said. "So inconsiderate."

He had a bouquet of flowers for his soda machine to let her in on the bad news.

That's when he stopped in his tracks and turned pale.

The soda machine was unplugged.

"That's okay," he said, catching his breath.

He plugged it back in.

But it did not turn on.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" screamed Nephrite. "Someone killed my fiancée! Who?! WHOOO!?"

"It was me," said Molly.

"WHAT?! WHY!?" shouted Nephrite.

"Heh heh," said Molly. "That's what you get for cheating on me with an object!"

"I'll kill you!" yelled Nephrite.

He threw himself at Molly, but it was just a hologram.

Nephrite fell to the floor and sobbed.

"Someone's going to pay dearly for this," he stated.

Zoisite appeared and started laughing. "Haha, sad."

Nephrite leapt to his feet and threw a spinning kick, ending one of Zoisite's arms.

"AHHH!" cried Zoisite. "I was just kidding!"

"Leave," suggested Nephrite. "Unless you want me to get rid of your other arm!"

Zoisite picked up his arm and fled.

Nephrite laid back down.


It was the day of the big kickball game.

The Shitennou Rollers faced off against Motoki's Stealerz.

"You're gonna pay for this!" Nephrite told Molly on the opposite team.

"Heh heh," said Molly.

On the Shitennou's team was: Queen Beryl, Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, Jadeite, Prince Endymion, Thetis, a hologram made by Metalia, and Kenji.

On the Motoki's Stealerz team was: Motoki, Motoki's sister, Molly, Melvin, Shingo, Taiki's forehead, Diana the Cat, Sailor Iron Mouse, and Motoki's never before seen mother.

Jadeite stepped up to the plate.

He swung some practice kicks with his foot, and then gave a thumb's up to signal that they could throw the ball.

Motoki rolled his famous sidewinder, and Jadeite swung his foot but it was several seconds off.

"Shoot!" said Jadeite.

The next ball he kicked, but it was a foul.

And on the third ball, Jadeite already saw that it was too late to kick the ball, so he didn't even try swinging.

"Jadeite!" yelled Nephrite. "You're bad."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "This is the first time I've played kickball before. Go easy on me."

"No," said Nephrite. "This is about the vending machine! I will avenge her!"

Nephrite stepped up to the plate.

Molly swapped places with Motoki at the pitcher's mound, and Nephrite narrowed his eyes.

"Heh," said Molly.

"Give it all you've got!" yelled Nephrite.

Molly wound up her throw like it was going to be a fastball, but that's when she pulled the ol' switcheroo and threw a slow ball.

But that was her biggest mistake yet.

Nephrite's boot collided with the ball at maximum velocity, and it went flying into the air.

"I've got it! I've got it!" yelled Melvin.

But he tripped on a fire hydrant and had to be benched.

Greg took his place.

Meanwhile, the ball flew miles out of the park, and Nephrite ran around the bases victoriously in a casual jog.

"Alright, you win," said Molly. "I'm sorry for killing your girlfriend. I was just jealous."

Nephrite threw a punch, ending Molly.

"Hey!" said Melvin, instantly recovering with fury. "You're gonna pay for that!"

He threw himself at Nephrite, and Nephrite made him into origami and then buried him six feet under.

"YAHOOO!" yelled Zoisite, getting excited. He fired a beam, killing Motoki.

Motoki's sister threw herself at Zoisite, but Kunzite appeared in front of Zoisite and grabbed her by the face. He held her two feet off the ground, and then fired a beam out of his palm, ending her.

"Guys," said Jadeite. "When's my next kick?"

But it had broken into a riot.

Diana nipped Beryl's arm, and she swung her arm, tossing Diana into the air.

Nephrite fired a beam and sniped her down like one would shoot a bird.

Shingo saw the chaos, and knew he was next. He boosted his speed stat, and took off running.

"We got a runner!" yelled Kunzite.

Endymion unsheathed his sword and leapt into the air.

He appeared in front of Shingo, and decapitated him.

"Hey!" said Queen Beryl. "Let me in on this!"

She spawned a crystal and screamed, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" while running over to Taiki's forehead.

She sliced it to bits with the crystal and then sliced the bits to pieces.

She then threw herself into the pieces, obliterating every molecule.

Motoki's never-before-seen mother was beyond livid. She started pounding her chest, and then she got Zoisite in a full nelson.

But Zoisite thought fast and threw a quick elbow, tossing Mama Motoki across the field.

She weakly got on her feet and got in her fighting stance.

But the Negaverse closed in on her.

"Come at me, you freaks!" she yelled.

Kenji charged, and threw a right hook.

But she blocked it, and threw a left hook, tossing Kenji for a loop.

Jadeite took Kenji's spot, and shot lightning out of his palms.

Mama Motoki dove for the ground, but still got a pretty mean shock.

She tried to stand up, but couldn't find the strength.

Thetis ended her mercilessly.

All that was left was Sailor Iron Mouse, who stood there frightened.

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "She might be a tough one. I haven't seen her around these parts."

"CHU!" yelled Sailor Iron Mouse, shooting energy balls out of her gauntlets.

Kunzite blocked one, but the other went rogue and ended Kenji.

"NO!" cried Beryl. "You're gonna pay for that!"

Iron Mouse charged up another attack, and Beryl rose a crystal above her head and readied the scream.

Iron Mouse waited carefully, but she waited too long, and someone ran up from behind her and tore her gauntlets off. She faded away.

"WOOOOO!" cheered the wild crowd.

"Let's go kill someone else!" suggested an anonymous voice, and everyone howled in agreement.

Metalia revived Kenji, and he sprung back to life.

He tested his two arms. "Good as new!" he said.

The rowdy crowd marched straight for the Hikawa Shrine.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" they chanted.

When they reached the stairs, the crows instantly recognized their evil presence, and charged right for the weakest member, being Zoisite.

"AHHH!" cried Zoisite, ducking into the crowd.

But Kunzite held out his arms, protecting Zoisite.

"Don't worry," he said. "I'll protect you!"

But the crows dove right under his arms in a persistent manner, and started attacking Zoisite like last time.

"NOOOO!" yelled Zoisite.

Thetis threw water at the scrap, dousing the crows and drowning them.

"Hey, watch it!" yelled Zoisite. "You wet my hair!"

"Who are you?" demanded Thetis.

"Who am I?" cried Zoisite. "I am one of the great four! And you don't wanna mess with me!"

He raised his sleeves, ready for battle.

"Down, boys," said Beryl. "Remember the true target."

Thetis let Zoisite off with his life and they continued up the steps.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" the chanting resumed.

"I see a straggler!" yelled Kenji.

Chad was outside mopping, and Kenji ran up and socked him across the face.

But it wasn't nearly enough, and Chad socked him back.

They locked arms, and Kenji threw a headbutt, suffering half the damage in recoil.

Kunzite raised his arm, and Chad exploded.

"Good one," said Kenji. "If I was younger I would have taught that boy some manners."

Kunzite blew open the door to the temple, and they all marched in.

But it was empty.

They searched the house, and then someone found a door to the basement.

"I see him!" yelled Thetis.

But no one heard her, so she decided to take him out on her own.

She hesitantly opened up the door and walked down the stairs.

She never returned.

"Here's a door!" spotted Jadeite moments later.

The whole crowd gathered.

As they headed down the stairs, they spotted a pile of dust.

"This is Thetis's dust," identified Jadeite. "It's a shame Youmas don't leave corpses."

"That fiend!" yelled Kenji. "I'll give him the one-two!"

"Oh?" said Grandpa.

Everyone turned and saw Grandpa sitting on a chair, sipping tea.

"It's game over, old man!" yelled Metalia's hologram.

"We will give you the what for!" continued Kenji.

"Just give up now," smirked Kunzite. "You don't stand a chance."

Grandpa chuckled, and put his tea on the table. "Alright, boys. You can all come at me at once. Humor me."

"He's bluffing," said Jadeite. "I'll take him out!"

Jadeite shot lightning out of the palm of his hands, but it bounced off Grandpa's solid skin like some kind of metal.

The lightning shot everywhere, blowing up the whole temple and making their battle arena out in the open.

Grandpa and the furniture around him were the only things that remained in the crater.

"You got dust in my tea," stated Grandpa.

He stood up slowly.

"Everyone, get on guard!" yelled Kenji.

"Kenji, my boy," said Grandpa. "You shouldn't hang with this crowd."

"Oh yeah?" laughed Kenji. "And why not?

Suddenly a telepathic beam collided with Kenji, and he dropped dead on the spot.

Everyone got in their fighting stances.

Zoisite scooched towards the back, waiting for an opening to run.

Kunzite turned to Endymion, and an unspoken alliance formed.

Kunzite charged at the speed of light, and Endymion followed suit.

"No, Kunzite!" yelled Zoisite.

Grandpa stomped on the ground, and two rocks flew at them with perfect precision, stopping their charge and knocking them into the walls of the crater.

Grandpa vanished, and everyone turned to see Kunzite was no more.

Endymion tried to crawl out of the crater, but Grandpa ended him too, faster than anyone could keep up.

Everyone lost sight of Grandpa again, and they figured that he was moving at super speeds, faster than light.

"No, I'm next!" cried Jadeite.

No one was safe.

"RUUUUUN!" screamed Beryl.

Zoisite gave it all or nothing and tried to teleport away.

But Grandpa held out his hand, and Zoisite's teleporting petals flew into it.

"No!" said Zoisite. "I can't teleport without my petals!"

Everyone gasped when suddenly Zoisite dropped.

"I think I spotted Grandpa for a split second with his elbow in Zoisite's neck!" announced Nephrite.

The four survivors, Nephrite, Jadeite, Beryl, and Metalia's hologram, decided to scatter, knowing Grandpa couldn't get them all.

But they were wrong.

Grandpa threw a punch, and all four of them dropped like boulders.

Nephrite was still alive, but solely because Grandpa was toying with them.

Nephrite got to his feet. "I'll kill you old man!"

"Really?" said Grandpa, finally showing himself. "Just to give you a better chance, I'll use only my pinkie."

"Starlight Attack!" yelled Nephrite.

But Grandpa didn't look very frightened.

At the very last second, he raised his pinkie, and the attack was ended.

Grandpa shook his head sadly.

"Come on, Nephboy. Is that the best you got?"

Nephrite spawned his sword, but knew it was hopeless so he ran for the crater wall.

"Poor fool," said Grandpa.

He didn't even bother moving to kill Nephrite, and Nephrite suddenly dropped down and never got back up.

Grandpa waited for a long time.

"Mmmmm," he said.

Mama Motoki arose from six feet under, and threw a punch at Grandpa.

But it was the best day of her life, and the punch caught Grandpa off guard.

He toppled.

"I won," said Mama Motoki.

But that's when Grandpa stood back up.

"You got spunk, kid," he said.

He ended Mama Motoki.

FIN