"Queen Bereru!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"What'd you call me?" demanded Beryl.
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I can't pronounce two consonants next to each other."
"Sad," said Beryl. "So what's your new source of energy? Or is someone going to walk in and interrupt us?"
"I hope not," said Jadeite. "I actually have a source this time!"
"Ooh!" said Beryl. "This is a rarity! Quick, spit it out!"
"Remember my radio show?" asked Jed.
"No," said Beryl.
"Ah," said Jadeite. "Well I had a radio show."
"Enough with the small talk!" yelled Beryl. "Hurry, before someone comes in!"
Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite entered in a frenzy.
"BERYYL!" yelled Zoisite. "Nephrite's picking on me!"
"Wrong!" said Nephrite. "He tried to pick on me but I reflected it tenfold!"
"Everyone, shut up and join the crowd of Youmas behind Jadeite. I'm hearing his plan today."
"Beryl," began Kunzite. "Endymion's picking on me!"
"Grow up, Kunzite," said Zoisite. "Now anyway Beryl, about Nephrite. I think it's time you dish out a punishment."
"Zoisite, you need to get a backbone," said Nephrite. "You pick fights with me and then can't stand up for yourself."
"Wrong," said Zoisite. "I'm like rubber and you're like glue."
"Didn't you one time cry on Kunzite's lap because I interrupted your little meeting with Beryl?"
"Who told you about that?!" cried Zoisite.
"It was a feral Youma," said Nephrite. "The one with the spinning horns."
"Rotten Youma!" yelled Zoisite. "They're too feral to be trustworthy!"
"When was the last time any of you three got energy?" demanded Beryl.
"Well actually," began Nephrite.
"Exactly," said Beryl. "Get with the unmoving background Youmas at once."
"This is an all-time low," said Kunzite sadly, blending into the background mob and becoming indistinguishable.
"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "This must be the best day of my life! So anyway, my previous radio show was a huge hit. I still to this day get letters asking me to go back on the air. So I think I will!"
"Where does the energy come in?" asked Beryl.
"The more people I get to listen to the radio show, the more will get their energy stolen by the radio waves!" explained Jadeite.
"How does that work?" pressed Beryl.
"I don't know," said Jadeite. "Nephrite told me he could get it to work."
"Oh yeah," said Nephrite, fading out of the background. "The electronics are complicated, so it's best not to think about it. But playing the radio waves out of, say, a car speaker, will cause the listener to give their energy to the Negaverse."
"Modern technology is fascinating," replied Beryl.
"The only problem is," said Jed, "I actually have to have some good content on my radio show. Otherwise people won't listen. So I will do a 48 hour non-stop broadcast, until we get enough energy to get Metalia to 100% power!"
"AHHHHH!" screamed Beryl with glee. "I've waited too LOOOOONG for this! Hop to it at once!"
"Yeah! Wahoo!" cheered the background Youmas.
Jadeite gave a confident nod.
Jadeite tapped his microphone.
"Testing, testing, one two three!" he said.
"You're on air!" called his tech boy, Melvin.
"Thanks, nerd boy!" said Jadeite. "I'm counting on you to keep everything in line!"
"You can count on me!" promised Melvin.
"We've got your back!" agreed his other tech crew members, Greg and Ami Mizuno.
"Good, good!" said Jadeite. "Good evening, Japan! I am J.-"
Jadeite froze. "I can't use that one again," he realized. "The Sailors will be onto me!"
"I am J Boy, your host for this 48 hour broadcast! Now, we'll start the segment with some music! This song is titled, 'Search for your love,' by local popstars, the Three Lights. Enjoy!"
Jadeite picked up his coffee mug and started drinking. He took occasional looks at his watch.
"J Boy," said Melvin.
"Hey, it's Jadeite," said Jadeite.
"Yes," said Melvin. "But maybe you shouldn't start your broadcast off with just some music. You have to stand out!"
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I'm the star here! I know what I'm doing!"
"Hmm," said Melvin. "There's just many more interesting things to start off with, you know."
"You're right," said Jadeite. "I should have started off with some commercials."
Melvin frowned.
Three minutes later the song ended.
"Alright, that was a good one," said Jadeite, into his mic. "The next part of our radio extravaganza will be an on-the-scene interview! Here in the studio, is none other than local crane machine expert, Joe!"
"Yo," said Joe, taking his seat.
"Wow," said Jadeite. "Aren't we lucky! Joe, what's it like being such an expert at the claw machine?"
"It's all in the technique," shrugged Joe.
"Ah, OH!" said Jadeite. "Is it true that you have psychic powers?"
"Huh?" gasped Joe. "Where'd you hear that?!"
"No one in particular," said Jadeite. "No need to get defensive now, young boy. Eye witnesses said they saw some shady business going on. Care to elaborate?"
"Yo, this is not cool," said Joe.
"Anyway," said Jadeite. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Not at the moment," said Joe, starting to sweat.
"You hear that, ladies?" said Jadeite. "This hero's on the market! You'll never have to worry about not getting that stuffed animal you want from a claw machine with this beast by your side!"
"Alright, enough of that," said Joe, who was doing a fake chuckle.
"Do you still live with your parents, or have you moved out yet like a real man?" asked Jadeite. "I heard you're like 18!"
"Uh… that's none of your concern," said Joe nervously.
"Looks like we've got a basement-dweller," said Jadeite. "Sad. Do you do anything for a living?"
Joe went to answer.
"Don't answer," said Jadeite. "I already know, haha!"
"Actually," began Joe. "I'm also quite the CS:GO expert, and-"
"Are you making any money from that?" inquired Jed.
"Well, I-"
"Pathetic," said Jadeite. "Is it true that CS:GO is a game for uneducated beasts?"
"It's more of an E-sport than Minecraft, so I would say-"
Jadeite cut him off again. "Do your parents pay for a storage shed for all those stuffed animals you hoard?"
"Hey now," said Joe, getting heated. "I thought this would just be a friendly interview about my crane machines! Instead it's just personal attacks!"
"Waaaa, go back to your basement, you freak!" yelled Jadeite.
"Sorry to interrupt," said Melvin, interjecting. "But Joe's mic turned off at some point. But I'm not sure when, I just noticed it now! Could you repeat some of that?"
Jadeite face-palmed. "Sure. What do you do for a living, Joe?"
Joe got up and walked out.
"Sad," said Jadeite. "Take that as a lesson, kids. Get a better hobby than that poor sucker. Alright, we're cutting to commercials so I can pummel this nerd, we'll be back in a few minutes!"
Jadeite got out of his seat and did some stretches. "You need to pay closer attention, Melvin," he said. "I'll let it slide this time because you're a beginner."
"Thanks," said Melvin.
"But if you slip up again," said Jadeite. He balled his fist, and Melvin quivered.
"Anyway," said Jadeite. "Get the next guest ready."
"Uh, we have a problem," said Greg. "All the guests left after they heard how aggressive you were during that last interview."
"Drat!" said Jadeite. "I'll have to go find someone else!"
Jadeite dashed out of the studio, but then ran back in. "Just keep rolling music from the popular boy band, the Three Lights! I will be back!"
Fifteen minutes later, Jadeite hurried back in. "I couldn't find anyone interesting, so it looks like we'll have to go with this homeless bum I found begging for money."
"SHyaaa," said Chad. "I wasn't begging, I was just playing some of my new hit singles so that maybe a record label would come by and sign me!"
"Sure," said Jadeite. "Sit down and put this mic on, you filthy man."
Chad complied.
"We're back!" said Jadeite. "It's me, J Man, here with our next guest! This guy is very famous." He left it at that. "Introduce yourself, bum!" suggested Jadeite.
"Shyaaaa," said Chad. "My name is Chad. I live at the temple."
"Really?" asked Jadeite. "You look pretty homeless to me."
"Well, I was homeless once," explained Chad. "Until some kind old man took me in!"
"That was a mistake," said Jadeite. "He must be disappointed in you."
"Uh…" said Chad. "I don't think so…"
"I think so," mocked Jadeite. "I see why your parents left you in the streets at a young age."
"Wrong," said Chad. "I was 16 when they threw me out."
Jadeite just shook his head sadly. "Your parents are smarter than that last guest's. But not very smart if they had you."
"Shyaaa," said Chad. "This isn't funny or nice."
Jadeite made fake crying sounds, and continued for an extended period of time.
After five minutes, Chad had to flee, and Jadeite got increasingly louder as he fled.
"You've heard it here, folks!" said Jed. "Usually homeless people have a little more class. But we found ourselves the bottom of the barrel! Honestly, I think city police should be required to kill people like that. Or maybe the street sweepers."
Melvin gave Jadeite a thumb's down.
"Shut up, nerd," said Jadeite. "Alright, let's take some phone calls!"
Ami Mizuno pressed many buttons, and soon a caller was on the line.
"Hello!" said Jadeite. "You're on air!"
"Hi… uh, wow! I didn't think I would get on!" said the caller.
"What's your name?" asked Jed.
"I don't like giving my name out to the public…" said the caller nervously.
"Say it now or I'll trace the call and give your address," chuckled Jadeite.
"Well in that case, I'm Motoki F.," said the caller.
"Ah, I've heard about you," said Jadeite. "You're the owner of the Crown Arcade."
"Yes, and Crown Parlor," said Motoki.
"Hey now," said Jadeite. "This isn't free advertising, this is a radio show! Why did you call?"
"Well," said Motoki. "I love your show, but uh, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on the guests! That might come off as a little bit offensive to some viewers. But otherwise, keep up the good work!"
"Well, well, well," said Jadeite. "Looks like we got another baby on the line. When was the last time you changed your diaper?"
"Hey," said Motoki. "I was just trying to give some friendly advice!"
"Don't make me give you a friendly beatdown!" said Jadeite. "My staff is tracing your number as we speak!"
"Please don't," begged Motoki.
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "It's already done. You're calling from work? Sad! Get back to your job, you slacker!"
"It's a quiet day today," said Motoki.
"I can see why," said Jadeite. "All the customers probably see your mug and leave!"
"I think I'm above average looking!" argued Motoki.
"Yeah," said Jadeite. "For a chimp! Or maybe some kind of sea otter!"
Jadeite pressed a button, and monkey sounds played. Then he pressed another button and it replayed Motoki's previous statement overtop the chimp sounds.
"How about you run along," said Jadeite. "Before this gets ugly."
Motoki hung up, but you could hear sobbing in the background.
"Alright," said Jadeite. "That's enough phone calls. Where are we at, timewise? Are we almost done?"
Melvin checked his watch. "It's been 35 minutes."
"What?! NO!" said Jadeite. "That was all my material! We still have 47 hours and 25 minutes! Melvin, start downloading the top 20 hits!"
"You're still on air," said Greg.
"Damn!" yelled Jadeite. "What kind of shit is this?! Someone queue the music!"
"Uh oh," said Melvin. "I didn't bleep you in time, Jadeite. You're gonna get fined!"
"I'll give you a fine!" yelled Jadeite. "But with my fists! And it's J Man to you!"
"I thought you said it was Jadeite?" asked Melvin.
"That's only for off-air, dumb kid," said Jadeite. "Speaking of which, it's time for a commercial break!"
Jadeite threw his mic down and started stomping on it. "People are so incompetent!" he yelled.
"Usagi!" called Luna rushing into the Tsukino living room. "Some man on the radio was just called Jadeite by his peer! He might be from the Negaverse!"
"Cats don't talk, Luna," said Usagi. "You might be from the Negaverse."
"Huh?!" cried Luna.
After an hour and 30 minutes of commercials, Jadeite came back on right as people thought he never would.
"Aaaaand we're back, folks!" said Jadeite. "Sorry for the long commercials, but I had to beat some sense into my production crew. Ami did not survive my assault, so if anyone knew who she was, she is now passed. I replaced her with a generic kid from her school who hung out with Melvin when he threw rocks!"
"My name's-"
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "Someone unplug that kid's mic. So, after many minutes of begging, I have recruited local legend Maxfield Stanton to come onto this radio show!"
"I can't believe you forced Beryl to force me to do this," sighed Maxfield.
"Hidy ho, Maxfield!" said Melvin.
"Hey now," said Nephrite. "You didn't tell me this dweeb would be here!"
"You shouldn't have known he was here," said Jadeite. "But he can't keep his trap shut."
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "What did you want me on for?"
"The plan!" reminded Jadeite.
"I know that," said Nephrite. "But what do you want me to actually do?"
"Anything you want," said Jadeite. "I'm winging this show from here on out. Just tell the audience about your exploits."
"Ah, yes," said Maxfield. "I was born in Kyoto where I grew up to become the wealthy business man you know today."
"Ooh, interesting!" said Jadeite. "So how exactly did you make your fortunes?"
"Company secrets," said Maxfield. "I teach a tennis lesson on Sundays, and an astrology class on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"How do you have time for that?" asked Jadeite. "I thought you had to be at the vending machine 24/7."
"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Maxfield. "I live on Earth and not in proximity of a vending machine."
"Tell us about your 14-year-old girlfriend," said Jadeite.
"Listen, bub," said Nephrite. "You wanted me on here, don't think you'll try to humiliate me like those other fools!"
"Alright, alright," resigned Jadeite. "Oh look, we have a caller on the line!"
"Hi," said the caller. "I have a few questions for Mr. Stanton!"
"Goody!" said Jadeite. "Can I have your name?"
There was a long pause.
"Never mind that," said Zoisite. "Now, I'd like to bring up what you just mentioned about the 14-year-old girlfriend. Is she in fact a human?"
"Who is this?" demanded Maxfield.
"None of your concern," said Zoisite. "Second question. Is it true you were in fact out-played and defeated by Zoisite of the Negaverse?"
"I don't know who that is," said Maxfield. "But I don't like your attitude. Now tell me who you are!"
"Third question," continued Zoisite. "Is it true you haven't paid your taxes in over five years? And that you're part of a huge business scandal that robbed the city of millions?"
"What the hell?" said Nephrite. "Now you're just making stuff up!"
"Oh," said Zoisite. "So the first two things were true. I see."
Zoisite hung up.
"Quick, call that guy back!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm not done with him yet! And I still don't know who he is!"
Jadeite called the number back, but there was no answer.
"You have reached the voicemail box of Zoisite of the Negaverse. Please leave your name and number."
"Aha!" said Nephrite. "Whoever that is will be banned from coming into my house and any of Stanton Industries' many successful business enterprises!"
"Also," said Nephrite. "He can forget about me lending him that dark crystal he keeps asking for! No way, Jose!"
"Wow," said Jadeite. "What quality programming, am I right guys?"
There was no response so he put on cricket noises for himself.
"Sheeeeesh!" he said. "Now we didn't just call the kind Mr. Stanton in for nothing. He will be competing to win a gift card to Starbuck's!"
"How much is on the gift card?" asked Nephrite.
"You have to win it to find out," said Jadeite sadly. "Competing against you today will be none other than Kenji Tsukino from the local fish market-"
"I'm a magazine editor!" yelled Kenji.
"Yeah, sure," said Jadeite. "And we also have someone named G. Pa, who owns some sort of shrine."
"Hey y'all!" said Grandpa.
"NO!" cried Jadeite. "Err, I mean, let's get the game started! After some commercials!"
Jadeite put down his headset and so did the others.
"Say," asked Nephrite. "Where did you get people to pay for all these commercials?"
"I didn't," said Jadeite. "I'm just playing them for free as filler. Most of them are recorded YouTube ads from the start of videos."
"But without the visuals, won't some of them not really make sense on the air?"
"Nah, it's okay," said Jadeite. "No one listens to ads anyway."
After five minutes, Jadeite went back on.
"As mentioned before the break, we have a great cast here with us today! I won't say their names again though because that would be tiring. The game will be called, 'Who knows J Man the best?' The winner, as said previously, will get a Starbuck's gift card with a surprise amount on it!"
"Yahoo!" said Kenji. "I'm game! Shingle, if you're listening, I'm bringing home the Starbuck's!"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Jed. "Here's the first question, we'll start off easy. What is my favorite color?"
"Red," said Nephrite.
"No," said Jadeite sadly.
"Yes it is!" said Nephrite. "It's on your uniform!"
"The J Dude does not wear a uniform," said Jadeite.
"That's not fair!" said Nephrite. "You're doing an alter ego! I could easily answer any question about Jadeite! But this contest is rigged."
"Well," said Jadeite. "That's touching, but I'm not the only one with an alter ego. You should understand, my boy. Kenji, your answer?"
"Black," guessed Kenji.
Jadeite just shook his head.
"The listeners don't know you're shaking your head," said Melvin.
"Now they do," said Jadeite. "Grandpa?"
"Maroon," guessed Grandpa.
"No," said Jadeite. "I don't think anyone's favorite color is maroon."
Grandpa hung his head. "Mine is."
"Alright," said Jadeite. "The first round goes to no one."
"So what is J Dude's favorite color?" asked Nephrite.
"Not important," said Jadeite. "Next question. What did I eat for breakfast?"
"Ooh," said Nephrite. "You ate breakfast in the Nega café this morning, and they only serve hash browns for breakfast!"
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "J Man is just a regular human, so they wouldn't let him in the Nega café!"
"This is bogus!" yelled Nephrite.
"Kenji, you're up to the bat," said Jadeite.
"Uh… toast!" said Kenji.
Jadeite shook his head.
"He's shaking his head no," narrated Melvin.
"Alright Grandpa, it's up to you!" said Jed.
"Bacon and eggs," tried Grandpa.
"No," said Jadeite. "The answer was a cheeseburger."
"That's not fair!" said Nephrite. "That's not even a breakfast food! How were we supposed to know that?!"
"Moving on," said Jadeite. "This is the double bonus round. Since no one has any points, whoever gets this round wins the game! The final question is: What number am I thinking of right now? It's between 0 and 100!"
"Are kidding me?" demanded Nephrite.
"Take your guess," said Jadeite.
"Uh," said Nephrite. "100."
"No," said Jadeite. "I said it's between 0 and 100, so 100 wouldn't count."
"Alright," said Nephrite. "Then 49."
"You already tried," said Jadeite sadly. "That doesn't count. Kenji?"
"49," guessed Kenji.
"Bastard!" yelled Nephrite.
"No," said Jadeite shaking his head. "Grandpa?"
Grandpa went to open his mouth.
"No, Grandpa," sighed Jadeite. "It wasn't 69."
"Drat," said Grandpa.
"What was it?" asked Nephrite.
"Zero," said Jadeite.
"Wait!" exclaimed Nephrite. "But you said-"
"I guess no one wins," said Jadeite. "The gift card must go to me."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Kenji.
"Alright, goodbye all," said Jadeite. "Get out of my show."
Everyone stormed off.
Melvin went to leave too.
"Stop in your tracks, nerd boy," said Jadeite. "I rented you for 48 hours and I will keep you for 48 hours."
Jadeite played a random sound effect of a bird chirping. "You know what that means," he said. "More commercials!"
"AAAAAAAANNND we're back!" said Jadeite. "We have a caller on the line, let's see what they want!"
Melvin put the caller on air.
"Hello, I am Motoki's sister," said the caller.
"Who's that?" asked Jed.
"It's me," said Motoki's sister. "And I have a complaint!"
"Oooh!" said Jed. He pressed a button that started a siren noise. "It's a complaint, everyone!" exclaimed J Man. "Let's listen!"
"Well," began Motoki's sister. "My brother called in earlier in good spirits, and you were very mean to him and made him cry!"
"Oooooooh!" said Jed. "I made someone cry!" He pressed another button and many sirens went off over a baby crying sound. "Ooooh!"
"That's not funny!" yelled Motoki's sister.
"It's not funny, everyone!" shouted Jadeite. He pressed a button and an MLG air-horn started playing, followed by various kids screaming.
Motoki's sister hung up.
"Quick Melvin, call back!" demanded Jadeite.
"Errr, that breaks the rules of radio, but I'll do my best," said Melvin.
The phone rang two times, until someone hung it up.
"Keep calling!" said Jed.
Melvin kept calling, and on the 7th time, it said the person had blocked their number.
"AHHAHAHAHA!" laughed Jed, pushing many sound effects. "We have lift off! Woo! Quick Melvin, call from your cellphone!"
"I think this is harassment," said Melvin nervously.
"Don't make me take your life," warned Jadeite.
Melvin called again.
"Hello?" answered Motoki's sister.
"Hi, this is your brother Motoki," said Jadeite, snickering into the mic.
"Why aren't you calling from your regular number?" asked Motoki's sister. "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "I'm dying in the hospital. Come over here immediately for my last words!"
Jadeite hung up, but he started laughing.
"And there you have it folks! We don't take complaints on this show, wahoo!"
Jadeite called back 20 minutes later, but the number was blocked.
"Heh heh," said Jed. "If anyone wants to call this number, it's-"
Jadeite gave Motoki's sister's number to the entire world.
"Do that during this commercial break!"
Jadeite went off-air.
"Another flawless segment," he stated. "I didn't even have to plan for that one!"
"Maybe you should not have given her number to the entire world," said Melvin.
"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "She could just change it. Or block everyone."
"May I please be dismissed for the day?" asked Melvin.
"No," said Jadeite, shaking his head sadly.
"I feel uncomfortable," insisted Melvin. "Can you at least not say my name on air?"
"Ok," promised Jadeite. "I must have slipped up."
He looked at his watch. "I think that was a long enough commercial break. But I don't know what segment to do next. Were you able to reach her number again?"
"No," said Melvin. "I think other people are trying to call her so it's not going through."
"Yikes," said Jed.
He pulled out his phone and called the one person he could always count on, Queen Beryl.
"Yeah," said Jed. "So I need you to come down here as some kind of persona and let me do an interview. It's for my energy plan!"
"Don't you have Youmas for that?" demanded Beryl.
"No," said Jadeite sadly. "They were all disposed of. So whatddya say, m'queen?"
Queen Beryl hung up.
"Rrrr," said Jadeite. "It looks like it's time for plan B."
Jadeite went back on air.
"Hey everyone! Next segment will be…."
He hit a drumroll.
"The entire Shrek movie's audio! Think of it as an E-book of sorts. Shrek but only the audio. Enjoy."
Jadeite put on the Shrek movie audio, and then left the studio.
"Oh," he said returning. "If I forget to come back at the right time, put on Shrek 2."
"Okey doke," said Melvin.
Jadeite returned 2 hours later.
"You were late," said Melvin.
"Did you put on Shrek 2?" asked Jadeite.
"No," said Melvin. "I thought you were coming soon so I didn't want to start the movie."
"You're useless!" yelled Jadeite. He went quickly to the mic.
"Sorry everyone, my personal clown Umino Gurio messed up again!"
"Hey!" yelped Melvin. "You gave out my personal info!"
"No," said Jadeite. "Only in Japan. Sit down, boy."
Melvin sat down. "I'll have to move," he considered.
"Alright listeners, have any of you seen the popular anime High School DxD?"
"I have!" exclaimed Melvin. "But I had to watch the censored version."
"Dumb kid," said Jadeite. "Well, this is the light novel for that series. I will read books 1-7, because those are the only ones I can find a pdf of. Let's begin."
Jadeite read books 1 through 7 of High School DxD.
He went to commercial.
"How much time did that waste?" asked Jadeite.
"A good six hours," said Melvin. "You shouldn't have read so fast though."
"I was giddy because I wanted to know what happened," shrugged Jadeite.
"Why'd you make me read the voices for all the girls?" asked Melvin.
"I can't do a girl's voice," explained Jed. "Only Zoisite can."
After four minutes of commercials, Jadeite stood up.
"We're back, yo! I have to go do something, so I'm putting my lackey on the mic! Everyone, give it up for Melvin!"
He put Melvin on the mic and fled.
"Uh, uh…" Melvin was having an anxiety attack. "Uh... Hi everyone…"
Melvin looked around desperately but no help came.
20 minutes later Jadeite returned.
Melvin was just sobbing quietly into the mic.
"Melvin, what'd you do these past 20 minutes?" asked Jadeite.
"Nothing," cried Melvin. "I just sat there awkwardly."
"Dumb kid," said Jadeite. "All our viewers probably left us."
"What did you have to do that was so important?!" demanded Melvin.
"I tried to gather some celebrities to come on," said Jed. "But none wanted to come after how I treated the other guests. What a bunch of ninnies!"
"D'ah," said Melvin, leaving the room to go cry some more.
"Sorry for my incompetent goon," said Jadeite to the viewers.
He pulled out his phone and dialed a number.
Kunzite picked up. "Hello?" he asked.
"Everyone, give it up for my good pal Kunzite!" said Jed. He played the sounds of applause.
"What is this?" said Kunzite. "Where are you, Jadeite?"
"I don't know who that is," said Jadeite. "I am J Bro, and this is my radio show. Kunzite, you're on air!"
"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "What do you want me to say?"
"Whatever you want to say," said Jed. "This is your moment."
"Wow," said Kunzite. "Is this some sort of convoluted scheme to get energy, or are you doing this for fun?"
"Energy?" asked Jed. "What's that?"
"You know, the stuff we need to awaken our great ruler," said Kunzite.
"Shut up, idiot," said Jadeite.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "Don't make me end you."
"You're blowing it," said Jadeite. "Just say anything. There's no pressure. At one point I just played the whole Shrek movie, these people are idiots."
"You're still on air," said Melvin.
"I know, clown," said Jadeite.
"Ok," said Kunzite. "So I know this guy."
Jadeite played a cricket sound effect.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "So anyway, this guy Mamoru Chiba AKA Tuxedo Mask. He's a real goon, and he uses humans to do his dirty work!"
"Hey!" said Mamoru Chiba at home. "That's a lie!"
"And also, Queen Beryl is the best!" added Kunzite. "Let's see what else."
"Oh look, we have a caller on the line," said Jed.
"Kunzite, what the hell?!" demanded Zoisite.
"Zoisite!" said Kunzite. "Where are you?"
"Downstairs," said Zoisite. "And I couldn't help but overhear something about Beryl being the best!"
"Wait," said Jed. "Have you been listening to my show this whole time?"
"No," said Zoisite. "I turned it off when you started reading the light novel series. I just came back recently."
"Ah, welcome back," said Jadeite. "You must have been too gay to enjoy such a great harem show!"
"Shut up," said Zoisite. "This is between me and Kunzite."
"Listen," said Jed. "Why don't you two come down here and sort this out? The sound quality isn't that great across the phones."
"No," said Zoisite. "Kunzite, hang up, I'm coming upstairs."
"Hang on a sec," said Kunzite. "I'm not done my skit!"
That's when Jadeite heard the sound of a door opening on Kunzite's line.
"Give me that phone," said Zoisite.
This was followed by a lot of rustling, and then the phone was hung up.
"Huh," said Jadeite. "Well there you have it folks! You don't find drama like this on TV! We'll be back after the break!"
"J Man," said Melvin. "We're out of YouTube ads. They stop showing them at some point."
"Are you kidding me?" said Jadeite. "Just Google vids of ads and play those."
"Okay," said Melvin. "It will take a minute though."
"That's fine," said Jed. "I'll just play some sound effects."
Melvin finally found some commercials so Jadeite could take a break.
"Oooh!" said Jed, wiping the sweat off his brow. "The radio life is tough. I won't do this again."
He went on Google and looked up radio bit ideas.
"All of these require effort," sighed Jed. "Have you gotten your hands on a bootleg copy of Shrek 2 yet?"
"I'm downloading the torrent now," said Melvin. "There's one hour left."
"Of my show?!" asked Jadeite giddily.
"No, until the movie finishes downloading," explained Melvin.
"GrrRR!" said Jed. "I can't wait that long! Time to play a full video of the best 20 songs of 2013."
Jadeite put on the vid without even saying anything.
It was timed perfectly, and he was able to go into Shrek 2 after the vid.
"This is quality programming," said Jadeite to himself. "Think we could hold a hotdog eating contest after the movie?"
"We have no contestants," said Melvin.
"Let's just fake one," said Jed. "We'll play a video of a hotdog eating contest and act like it's happening in the studio."
After the contest wrapped up, Jadeite went into commercial again.
"I've got this down to a formula," said Jed. "How's Shrek 3 coming along?"
"I got a virus trying to download it," Melvin said sadly. "My $1,000 tablet is no more."
"Sad," said Jed. "I guess we're just gonna have to make new content. How unfortunate. Know any songs, Melvin?"
"Yes, I know over 5!" exclaimed Melv.
"Good," said Jadeite. "We're back everyone, and in studio today I have a performer known as the singing nerd! Take it away!"
"Wait," said Melvin. "I'm supposed to sing the songs?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "Everyone is waiting."
Melvin started to sweat. "My country tis of thee…" he began.
"No," said Jadeite. "Why are you singing American songs? Sing something in Japanese!"
"Ok, I'll sing some anime OPs," said Melvin.
He started singing the Sailor Moon opening.
Suddenly the doors of Jed's studio room swung open.
"Aww, thank goodness!" said Melvin.
He fled out the door and didn't stop running.
"Hey, get back here, nerd!" shouted Jed. "Who are you people supposed to be, a pack of circus clowns? Well, we haven't had a clown perform yet, so go ahead and do your thing I guess."
"We're the executives of all radio signals in the world," said someone from the crowd. "And we have noticed that this timeslot right here is supposed to be someone else's show."
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "He gave it to me. Finders keepers, losers weepers!"
"We're going to have to shut down your show," said an executive.
"You'd have to kill me first," explained Jadeite.
"Ah," said an executive. He threw himself at the off-air button, but Jadeite body-slammed him and he went flying.
"Anyone else wanna try that?" challenged Jed.
Three people took that guy's place, and scattered in different directions.
But Jed knew they were all going to meet back up at the button, so he blocked it with his body and threw kicks in all directions.
"Stop throwing yourselves, we're on air!" said one of the less rowdy executives.
But that's when 10 executives charged in all directions, and Jadeite had to shoot lightning out of his palms.
"He's a monster!" someone yelled. "Call the army!"
But Jadeite closed the door with his psychic powers, and then started throwing punches at everything that was moving.
"Well I'll be a son of a gun," said Molly. "There seems to be some kind of brawl over there. All I hear is punches being thrown, and occasional shouts. I thought this show was weird when they played the whole Shrek 2 movie, but this is just too much!"
Jadeite returned to the Negaverse with a pile of energy.
"Wow," said Beryl. "You really came through."
"Yes," said Jed. "I had to end the broadcast a bit early, but I still got a lot of energy."
"This has been the most successful energy plan in the history of the Negaverse!" exclaimed Beryl, examining the energy closely. "When will you be going back on air?"
"Uh, never," chuckled Jed.
Beryl shook her head. "You can't just abandon this energy goldmine."
Jadeite sighed. "Time to download Shrek Forever After."
FIN
