"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Not now, Jadeite," said Beryl. "I'm talking to the mob behind you."

Jadeite turned around. "Hey, when did those guys get there? What are they, a bunch of feral beasts?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "Now, mob, it is time to find the Silver Crystal. Go search for it!"

"Yes," said various voices.

The entire Youma mob teleported away from behind Jadeite.

"What… what just happened?" asked Jadeite in shock. "Are they all just going to Earth to run the streets like the beasts they are?"

"I don't know," said Beryl. "And frankly I don't want to. But maybe one will get lucky, who knows."

"I didn't know they actually had a purpose," said Jed. "I thought they were just background decorations."

"No," said Beryl. "You know, this actually happened in the show. Go back and look."

"Sorry," said Jed. "But I don't approve of watching anime illegally."

"Then go buy the $20 DVD set for the first half of the first season from Viz," shrugged Beryl.

"No thanks," said Jed. "I'll just go on KissAnime."

"But you just said-"

Jadeite was gone.

"Hmm," said Beryl.


Nephrite pulled up to Molly's house.

He was going to walk up and knock on her door, but decided instead to teleport to her balcony and knock on her patio door.

"Ahh!" screeched Molly's mom passing out.

"Maxfield," said Molly, answering the deck door.

"You can call me Nephrite," said Nephrite.

"How did you get up here?" asked Molly. "I'm on the 15th floor!"

"I teleported," explained Nephrite.

"Cool!" said Molly. "Can you teach me how to do that?"

Nephrite shook his head sadly.

"Hidy ho!" called Melvin.

"What the?!" demanded Nephrite, spinning around.

He turned to see Melvin climbing a huge ladder up to Molly's balcony.

"See Molly?" said Melvin. "I'm just as good as this fiend!"

Nephrite waited until Melvin almost reached the top, and then pushed the ladder over.

"NOooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Melvin, falling to his death.

"Good riddance," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "You just killed him!"

"Sad," said Nephrite. "But there's nothing we can do now!"

"Yes, there is!" said Molly. "Let's call the police and say it was an accident! Maybe the ambulance workers can resuscitate him!"

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "I don't think one could survive that."

"Heeeeelp!" yelled Melvin.

"Huh," said Nephrite. "That's one resilient nerd!"

Nephrite had no choice but to carry the nerd in his arms to the hospital.

It turned out that all his bones were broken and he had a concussion.

"Your son will recover in eight months," said a hospital worker.

"Like I would have a kid that nerdy," sneered Maxfield.


Eight months passed, and Melvin recovered.

"I feel as fit as a fiddle!" he told himself.

He hopped on the internet to celebrate.

"Time to play a Back 18 in Toontown Rewritten!" he said, starting up the amazing TTR engine.

He got a group and joined the longest mode on Toontown.

Melvin fought cogs for three days straight, and all three people that went in with him had to leave.

"Heh heh, good thing I grinded 500 pink slips," chuckled Melvin, as he finally got to the last three holes.

Another 10 hours later, he got to the club president, the final boss of the golf course.

"All those days spent are about to pay off!" he said giddily.

He threw a Toontanic, but it never hit.

Rather, an error message came up, saying the district that he was in has closed and in fact everyone in his district got kicked off.

Melvin stared at the screen for a very long time.

"No," he said finally. "No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Melvin leapt out his window, in an attempt to end his life.

He landed on a mattress, however, and settled for laying on it and sobbing.


Nephrite looked at the stars.

"O stars," he said. "Tell me the next target at the peak of their energy, you majestic creatures!"

The stars spawned a picture of Melvin.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "Now I have to follow that cretin all day until he reaches his peak! Why, cruel world?!"

Nephrite reluctantly teleported to Melvin.

"Hey nerd," said Nephrite.

That's when he spotted Melvin running into the freeway.

"Woah!" cried Nephrite. He was in Maxfield disguise so he couldn't fly over and grab him, so he had to settle for leaping over cars.

He picked up Melvin in his arms.

"What the hell are you doing?!" demanded Nephrite. "You're gonna get yourself killed!"

"Why do you care?" asked Melvin. "You said you wanted me dead many times."

"No," lied Nephrite.

"My life is meaningless," said Melvin. "All that's left for me is misery."

"Come on now," said Nephrite. "As a wise man once said, the life of a flower is short and full of suffering."

"That makes no sense," said Melvin.

"Can it," said Nephrite. "At least hang in there until the end of the day."

"Why?" asked Melvin. "Things won't get better. I just want to end it all."

"Spare the melodrama," said Nephrite. "Here, I'll cheer you up. Let's go to Crown Parlor and get a cranberry milkshake!"

"There was a time," said Melvin glumly. "Where that would have made me happy. But those times have since passed."

"Okay, fine," said Nephrite. "Let's go to Crown Arcade and play some Sailor V. I'm sure a nerd like you would be okay at it."

"I'll think about it," said Melvin.

"That's the spirit," said Nephrite. "I'm going to set you down now. Don't try anything funny."

He set Melvin down, and he started dashing down the highway.

"Where are you going?" demanded Nephrite chasing after him.

"To the great beyond!" howled Melvin, running down the road until he reached a bridge.

"Don't you do it!" screamed Nephrite.

Melvin leapt off the bridge, and Nephrite had to fly after him and catch him before he collided with the water.

"No!" screamed Melvin, trying to break free. "Let me pass!"

"What is this all about, anyway?" demanded Nephrite. "Lose a videogame or something?"

"Yes," said Melvin. "Something happened out of my control and four days went in the garbage."

"Well, you win some you lose some," said Nephrite. "No one likes a poor sport."

"It's all Joey's fault," said Melvin.

"Okay," said Nephrite. "But that doesn't mean you need to kill yourself."

"Sir Max is a fiend," continued Melvin.

"Okay, okay," said Nephrite. "We're going to Crown Parlor now, alright?"

Melvin didn't say anything.


"See, here we are!" said Nephrite. "Don't you feel better already?"

"Sure," said Melvin curtly.

Nephrite dragged him to a table.

"Table for 2 please," said Nephrite.

Motoki's sister eyed him. "Odd guy," she said.

She handed them the menus.

"What would you like?" said Nephrite.

"To die," said Melvin.

"What food, I mean?"

"…I'll take a steak," said Melvin at last.

"They don't serve that here," said Nephrite.

"I want a steak," repeated Melvin.

"I'll see what I can do," sighed Nephrite.

Nephrite went in the back and explained his situation.

"Yeah, so I'm stuck with this suicidal nerd," he began.

"Say no more," said the chef, pulling a steak out of the reserves and putting it in the oven.

Nephrite headed back into the dining room.

"Hey!" screamed Nephrite.

Melvin was standing on a chair, tying a shoelace around his neck.

"Goodbye, cruel world," he said.

He leapt off the chair.

But the shoelace snapped, and he fell on his head.

"Get back in your seat," commanded Nephrite. "I can't believe you."

Melvin stood up and sat down.

"I got you that steak," continued Nephrite. "So be grateful."

"Mm," said Melvin, letting out a sad sound.

"Ridiculous," said Nephrite under his breath.

Motoki's sister put the steak in front of Melvin a few moments later.

"Life is precious," she said, turning to Melvin. "Never give up."

"Mm," repeated Melvin.

"Looks good!" said Nephrite. "Very juicy steak you got there! I'm jealous!"

Melvin went to cut a piece of steak with his knife.

But suddenly, he thrust the knife towards his neck.

Nephrite's reflexes were unmatchable, and he quickly socked away the knife.

"You fool!" screamed Nephrite. "Is that the only reason you wanted a steak?"

"Yes," said Melvin. "I don't eat anything with a face, except for shrimp!"

"Then there's no point in that," said Nephrite getting frustrated. "I've given you many chances to control yourself, but clearly you cannot. I'll have to restrain you the hard way."

Melvin threw a punch, hoping Nephrite would throw one back and put him out of his misery.

But Nephrite just grabbed his hand and teleported him back to his mansion.

Nephrite spawned a small cage, and threw Melvin inside.

"You're staying here for the rest of the day," said Nephrite. "You won't be able to kill yourself now!"

Nephrite waited for a response, but Melvin didn't say anything.

Instead, his face started getting red, and then blue.

"Have you… have you stopped breathing?!" screamed Nephrite. "Are you kidding me!?"

Melvin's face was now purple, so Nephrite threw a punch to his stomach.

"That won't work, dweeb!" yelled Nephrite. "You will pass out from lack of oxygen and start breathing again before you die."

Melvin angrily exhaled.

"I will not give up," he said.

"Whatever," said Nephrite. "There's nothing you can do."

Nephrite headed upstairs to take a nap and wait for the right time to snag Melvin's energy.

A few minutes later, Zoisite teleported into Nephrite's living room.

"How's that search for the Silver Crystal coming?" taunted Zoisite.

He looked around. "What is this?" he said. "Where's Nephrite?"

"Hey!" yelped Melvin. "Let me out!"

"Huh?" said Zoisite, following the voice and walking over to the small cage. "What is this?" he repeated.

"Free me!" squealed Melvin.

"Sure," said Zoisite.

Zoisite blew up the cage, and Melvin took off running.

"Farewell, young boy," said Zoisite. "That Nephrite's an odd guy."

A little bit later, Nephrite headed back downstairs.

"That was a good powernap," he said, stretching.

"How's it hanging, Dweeb-o?"

Nephrite waited.

"Hey, nerd! Do you feel your energy increasing?"

There was no response again, and Nephrite panicked and dashed over to the cage.

"What if he snuck that knife into his pocket?!" thought Nephrite.

But when he got to the cage, there was no dead nerd. There was no nerd at all.

"What?!" cried Nephrite. "That was a magic cage! There was no lock or door!"

Nephrite dashed out of his house.

"Nerd!" he called. "Come back!"

He searched a little ways into the forest to see if Melvin was hiding behind a tree, but soon decided to teleport to the bridge.

And, as he suspected, there was Melvin, ready to jump.

"Step off that ledge!" yelled a cop into a megaphone.

A large crowd was gathered.

"I'm gonna jump!" yelled Melvin. "I'm doing it!"

"Don't you do it," said the cop.

"I'm doing it!" repeated Melvin, going for a leap.

Nephrite grabbed him by the collar, and everyone applauded.

"That's local hero Maxfield Stanton!" exclaimed a citizen.

"Slippery, slippery boy," said Nephrite. "You should have ended yourself quickly instead of coming all the way to this bridge."

"Just let me die!" begged Melvin.

"No," said Nephrite. He teleported away with Melvin.


"Alright, kid," said Nephrite. "I'm just going to sit here and watch you for the next eight hours or until you reach the peak of your energy."

"What does that mean?" asked Melvin.

"Don't worry about it," said Nephrite. "But when you do, I'll end you for good. Deal?"

"No," said Melvin. "I want to be ended now."

He threw another punch at Nephrite, but Nephrite absorbed it.

"Sorry, but you can't always get what you want," said Nephrite. "If you want to write a will or something, now would be the time."

"No," said Melvin. "I'm going to end myself now."

He threw himself into a wall, headfirst.

"Stop that," said Nephrite.

Melvin went in for another throw.

"I said stop," said Nephrite, walking over and dragging Melvin away from the wall.

Melvin waited until Nephrite blinked, and pulled out a plastic fork and tried to shove it into his neck.

But Nephrite caught it and burnt the fork in his palm.

"Try again," said Nephrite.

"No," repeated Melvin. "But I will write that will. I will give everything to Molly."

"She doesn't want your garbage," said Nephrite.

"Lies," said Melvin. "Let me write it down, come on!"

"Alright," said Nephrite. "But don't try anything funny."

As soon as Nephrite handed Melvin the pen, he tried to stab it into his neck.

"You fiend!" howled Nephrite, burning the pen.

Melvin threw himself at the wall again.

"You're insane!" shouted Nephrite.

Nephrite took Melvin away from the wall again.

"Okay, okay," resigned Melvin. "I'll sit still if you let me have my last meal."

"Nothing with forks or knives," said Nephrite.

"Okay," said Melvin. "I'll have French fries."

"Odd choice," said Nephrite. "But I don't think you can kill yourself with them, so here."

Nephrite teleported in a dish of French fries, because he wouldn't dare leave Melvin alone again.

"Mmm, good fries," said Melvin. "But not the best."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "Don't those fries make you not want to die?"

"No," said Melvin. "Maybe if they were a bit better."

"I'm not gonna miss you," said Nephrite.

"Where's my ketchup?" demanded Melvin.

"Knock yourself out," said Nephrite, handing him a ketchup bottle.

"Thanks," said Melvin.

That's when he squirted the ketchup right into Nephrite's eyes and dashed out the door.

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

He took off into the hall, but Melvin was nowhere to be seen.

"That kid's IQ is too high," said Nephrite. "I can't keep up."

He teleported back to the bridge.

"On second thought," said Nephrite. "Not that high if he comes here again."

20 minutes later, Melvin appeared and leapt the fence to the edge.

"How did you disappear?" asked Nephrite.

"I hid under the rug," shrugged Melvin.

"Smart boy," said Nephrite. "But you're not making it off this edge."

Melvin leapt off the bridge.

"Dumb kid," said Nephrite, warping him back up without moving.

Melvin tried again, but Nephrite took him away.

"Sad," said Nephrite. "Even in the end, you did the same thing and went back to the same bridge."

"Wrong," said Melvin. "It's a 10 minute run to get there."

"But it took you 20 minutes," said Nephrite.

"Yes," said Melvin, with a dangerous look in his eyes.

"What are you-"

Melvin pulled out a gun. "You shouldn't have stood between me and the afterlife," he said, pointing it at Nephrite.

"Woah, take it easy there, kid," said Nephrite.

"I'll see you in hell!" screeched Melvin, firing the gun at Nephrite multiple times.

Nephrite did not move but the bullets bounced off of him.

Melvin adjusted his bifocals.

"I thought this would happen," he said with an arrogant smile.

He pointed the gun to his own head and waited.

"Don't do it," said Nephrite.

Melvin pulled the trigger, and Nephrite didn't stop him.

Melvin was no more.

Nephrite shrugged. "I'll just get a new person at their peak tomorrow. This was stupid."


Melvin floated upwards, and began connecting to the big computer in the sky.

"I'm free!" he said. "I'm free!"

Suddenly, his server went down.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Melvin.