"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "Just the words I was waiting for! Tell me, tell me!"
Jadeite's face lit up with pure glee, but it was short-lived, because Kenji Tsukino of all people pranced into the throne room.
"Kenji, what do you want?" said Beryl. "It's usually Nephrite or Zoisite walking in at this time. I didn't expect to see you, of all people!"
"Well," began Kenji. "I'm peeved."
"Hey, back off, buddy!" said Jadeite. "I have no personal beef with you, but I will soon, if you don't let me have my Beryl time!"
"I'm too peeved," said Kenji. "This is the worst day of my life since the time that my toaster broke!"
"Kenji's a simple guy," said Beryl. "Kind of like Kunzite."
Suddenly Kunzite teleported in in a blazing teleport animation.
"Queen Beryl, I'm peeved!" said Kunzite.
"Why?" asked Beryl.
"How does Kenji, of all people, have the right to barge in and interrupt Jadeite?! That's reserved for Shitennou only."
"I love Kenji like my own son," said Beryl. "And almost as much as my pal Grandpa!"
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite and Zoisite, dashing in with their own motives.
Suddenly they stopped.
"What is this?" demanded Zoisite. "Some kind of jamboree?"
"Apparently," said Kunzite. "This mortal thinks he's going to get a chapter about himself!"
"Woah now," said Kenji. "I never said that."
"You did," said Nephrite. "By barging in during Jadeite's speech. Everyone knows you only do that if you want a chapter about yourself!"
"Well I didn't know that," lied Kenji. "I'm just here because I'm peeved!"
"Well now everyone's peeved!" yelled Kunzite. "I hope you're happy!"
Jadeite just picked up and left. He couldn't compete with four other people.
"Silence!" yelled Beryl. "Let's all be quiet and listen to what KENJI is peeved about."
"Thank you, Queen Beryl-sama," said Kenji bowing.
"What gives you the right?!" screamed Kunzite.
"Settle down," said Beryl. "Kenji, get on with it."
"Right," said Kenji. "So, have you seen the Nakayoshi character poll?"
"What is that?" asked Beryl.
"It was a ranking in a magazine about the top Sailor Moon characters in the manga."
"Manga?" said Zoisite. "Then it's of no concern to me."
"Maybe not to you," said Kenji. "But get a load of this. I was ranked LAST of every single character in the manga! LAST PLACE!"
"So?" asked Zoisite. "The manga is a joke. I got punched by Mamoru Chiba in the manga! As if! Well, at least I think I did because I did in Crystal, but Crystal has a lot of non-canon scenes, such as when Jed gets burnt to a crisp but then does not die. Buncha nonsense."
"Either way, being lowest ranking is completely uncalled for!" exclaimed Kenji. "Who is the one voter who put Queen Metalia higher than me!? And who voted for Molly's mom?! The most outrageous thing is that Sailor Mercury is even on there!"
"Sailor Mercury seems to be quite popular," noted Queen Beryl. "Little fiend!"
"Who likes Mercury?" laughed Nephrite. "She is very unlikeable and has no redeeming character traits. I almost ran her over with a car once, but she wasn't worth the gas."
"Heh," said Zoisite. "I don't think I've ever met her, but I've heard she's not very interesting."
"Shut up," said Kenji. "This is my chapter. And also she's my daughter's best friend!"
"Wrong," said Kunzite. "I heard Rei is more favorable to her."
"Oh, probably," said Kenji. "I haven't talked to her for a long time, but back on subject, I should be at the top of the ranking!"
"Why?" said Beryl. "Do you even appear in the manga? You hardly appear in the anime."
"I think so," said Kenji. "Either way, my name is known, so I must at some point!"
"Actually no," said Nephrite. "I don't think your name is stated once. And that's in the anime! In the manga you're probably just mentioned, not even seen, but not by name."
"Such harsh words," said Kenji sadly.
"Hey, where did I rank?" asked Nephrite suddenly. "Probably above Zoisite, right? He's pretty unlikeable."
"I didn't check," said Kenji. "I printed out the sheet though, here."
The Shitennou gathered, including Jed.
"Aha!" said Zoisite. "I was the most liked Shitennou! Figures!"
"No," said Nephrite. "You got lucky. In the manga depiction you weren't noticeably gay, and had none of those girly petals."
"Hmm," said Beryl, examining the list. "Zoisite barely ranked over Rei's crows, and Rei's grandfather, who didn't even have personality in the manga."
"Whatever," said Zoisite. "I'm just happy I'm above everyone else."
"Wait, so I rank below Rei's crows and Grandpa?" asked Kunzite in shock.
"Please tell me I'm at least above Kunzite," said Nephrite. "I definitely am in the anime."
"Actually, no," said Kunzite. "Looks like I'm better than you again!"
"Give me that," said Nephrite. "Starting at number 20, we have Zoisite, then crows, then Grandpa, then Kunzite, then me, then Umino, then Jadeite."
"WAIT WHAT?!" screamed Jadeite. "Not only am I the lowest ranking Shitennou, I'm below that nerd?!"
"Haha," said Nephrite. "At least I'm above him! That at least makes me not want to give up on life."
Jadeite was very mad. He was fumed.
"What's wrong with me?" he asked.
"Nothing," said Kenji. "You're just not notable. And you're the only Shitennou who never interacted with another Shitennou in the anime."
"That's what makes me cool!" yelled Jadeite. "In my time I was the star! But by Nephrite's arc there were several spotlights being shared. During Nephrite's arc, all three Shitennou appeared!"
"Save it," said Nephrite. "I'm still more likeable, even in the manga, which is what this is based on."
But Jadeite couldn't cool down, and he had to take a break.
"Wait, where do I rank?" asked Queen Beryl. "At least 15, right?"
"Double that," said Kunzite. "You were 30th."
"Huh?!" said Beryl. "I got below Jadeite?! And the crows?!"
"Looks like in rankings, you're not the queen of anything," said Zoisite.
Queen Beryl took Zoisite's life, and then her own.
"Wow," said Kenji. "I don't know why she did that, at least she's not last."
"Someone should show this to Metalia," said Nephrite. "Not me of course. But she'd want to see this. Kunzite my boy? You can beat Metalia in her present state, right?"
"I think even Jadeite can," said Kunzite. "I'll go show this to her."
Kunzite headed downstairs, with a grim expression.
"What is it?" asked Metalia.
"Queen Metalia-sama," said Kunzite, kneeling and offering Metalia the sheet.
"I don't have eyes," said Metalia.
"Ah," said Kunzite. "Then just for the record, you ranked #34 in the manga character ranking. That means you were below everyone except Kenji pretty much. And just so you know, I ranked above 'Endou,' an Evil Endymion persona. So that means I'm greater than him."
"I ranked 34th"?!" demanded Metalia. "Out of how many?!"
"38," answered Kunzite.
"Oh," said Metalia. She was very quiet.
Kunzite took several slow steps back, and then escaped.
When Kunzite got back, they were still examining the list.
"I have to change things," stated Jadeite. "In case they ever do an anime poll. But what can I do different than the other Shitennou? Zoisite and Kunzite already have gay, and Nephrite's a very strong heterosexual. So all those things are taken. I'll have to be something new, something that relates to other people."
Jadeite left.
"Who cares about a stupid ranking?" said Nephrite, still looking at the ranking. "Humans are foolish and weak."
Nephrite went home.
Zoisite was just grinning. "It's great to be a star. I'm glad things finally go my way!"
"Ah, I see you got revived," said Kunzite.
"Yes," said Zoisite. "They couldn't write off the favorite Shitennou! I advise you stay at the top of your game, Kunzite, and keep doing what you're doing. The others are out for blood, and want to surpass you. I'd suggest getting a bit more of a personality. I, on the other hand, don't have much to worry about. In order to pass me, they'd have to climb past both the exciting Grandpa, and Rei's crows! And in Jadeite's case, Umino! Good luck with that!"
Zoisite left.
"Hammer faster!" yelled Kenji.
"I'm trying, Papa!" said Shingo.
"What's going on over here?" asked Zoisite.
"Ah," said Kenji. "I'm making my boy make a huge billboard with my name on it! Since my name is never mentioned in either the manga or anime, it's no wonder I'm at the bottom! It'd take a true detective to even figure out how to vote for me!"
"How did you get on there at all if your name is never stated?" asked Zoisite.
"Hmm," said Kenji. "It is on my front door, so if there's ever a door shot they could find it out."
"Why is it on your front door?" said Zoisite.
"I don't need this," said Kenji. "I'm in a time of stress. Why don't you just float back to your little Negaverse?"
"Look," said Zoisite. "I'm just trying to help. I'd prefer if you did pass Nephrite and Jadeite. It'd be a big victory."
"Leave me alone," said Kenji.
Zoisite sighed and left.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "Nephrite is a candle flickering in the wind!"
"Is that a Zoisite quote?" asked Beryl.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "He's on the top, so he's doing something right. I won't forget this, Nephrite!"
Queen Beryl went to open her mouth, but Jadeite cut her off.
"My last wish is to die beautifully!"
"I can't make that happen," said Beryl. "Unless you count being an ice sculpture."
"No, that simply won't do!" said Jadeite.
Just then, Kenji came riding in on a jetpack made from fireworks, and threw a wild punch.
"My name is KEEENNNNJIIII!" he howled, throwing Beryl off her thrown. "KENJI TSUKINO! And I have defeated the Queen Beryl!"
He did a wild leap, and threw an overhead mallet punch to finish Beryl off.
Beryl put him to rest.
"It's okay," said Kenji. "With more screen time and my name being stated, I'm bound to get higher up! Especially when I do something really goofy! That's how Grandpa got so high up!"
Kenji passed on.
Nephrite walked into Beryl's throne room.
"Nephrite," said Beryl. "Something's off about you. Are you wearing a cape?"
"Yes," said Nephrite.
"Is this because of the character ranking?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Nephrite. "And finding the Silver Imperial Crystal is my job! So buzz off Nephrite!"
"Oh great," groaned Beryl. "Everyone's quoting Zoisite. I'd rank him my least favorite."
"Sadly you're not the one voting in the poll," said Nephrite. "And it seems something's different about you as well."
Queen Beryl was wearing a bun-head hairstyle.
"Wrong," said Beryl. "You're just seeing things."
"Oww, my hand!" yelled Nephrite.
"Stop that!" said Beryl.
"Let's settle this at the Starlight Tower at sunset," said Nephrite. "Also put all the crystals in the middle!"
"You weren't even there for that," said Beryl.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Jadeite was quoting him too, and he never even talked to Zoisite."
Kunzite entered then.
"Kunzite-sama!" exclaimed Nephrite.
Kunzite looked confused.
"I'm glad you've finally came to your senses, Nephrite," said Kunzite finally.
"Kunzite-sama, I hate Nephrite!" said Nephrite.
"Same," said Kunzite. "But you should get your own personality."
Nephrite started crying. "Kunzite-sama, I am so upset! What if Nephrite gets the Silver Crystal?"
Just then Jadeite walked in, and everyone went dead silent.
Jadeite pranced in in a dress, and with a "butch lesbian" haircut.
"Hello," said Jadeite. He pulled out a recorder.
"I can play the flute too," he stated, and began playing random notes. "I also love shrimp and cranberry milkshakes!"
"Are you imitating that nerd because he's higher than you?" snickered Nephrite.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "I've decided to go one step at a time."
"What's with the dress?" said Kunzite.
"Oh, about that," said Jadeite. "We don't have a transgender Shitennou yet, but I'm not just your regular transgender. I'm a gay transgender."
"What does that mean?" said Nephrite.
"I'm a lesbian woman trapped in a male's body," explained Jadeite.
"That's ridiculous," said Kunzite.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "But it's enough to get attention. Just look at Kenji over there in the background!"
Kenji was spinning a sign that read, "Kenji Tsukino," and had a shirt on that read, "Kenji Tsukino."
"Also," said Jadeite. "Kunzite-sama! How could you think that ugly Youma's prettier than me?"
"Are you referring to Nephrite?" asked Kunzite.
"No," said Jadeite. "I'm referring to Reika."
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "How could you think that ugly Youma's prettier?"
"Uh, I don't remember what the context was," said Kunzite. "I doubt I said she was 'prettier.' I don't even know if you're saying that line right."
"Ah, you're talking about that girl I've never heard of who ranked above me," said Beryl. "I could have sworn she was a filler-only anime character."
"So, Jadeite, this new persona of yours," said Kunzite, changing the subject. "What does it mean when a lesbian girl is trapped in a male's body? Isn't that just a straight person?"
"No," said Jadeite. "That's offensive."
Jadeite felt his ranking go up by five.
"Ah, I get it now!" he said. "Someone else say something else to me about my sexuality!"
"I do hate gays," said Nephrite. "But I don't know if I hate you, since you're pretty much just a straight guy."
"That's offensive," said Jadeite. "I didn't choose to be born in a male's body. Also I'm getting a sex-change soon."
"Cut it out," said Kunzite. "No one likes the kind of person you're being!"
But everyone could feel Jadeite's rating rising.
Kenji leapt over. "I'm a female too!" he howled. "Me, Kenji Tsukino!"
Kunzite cringed as he was passed in the rankings by Kenji.
"No!" said Kunzite. "I'm gay, doesn't that count for something!?"
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But being gay isn't special enough."
Nephrite frowned and then hopped on the bandwagon.
"I'm genderfluid non-binary," stated Nephrite. "When Gmail asks for my gender, 'Other' isn't even good enough. When I took my SATs, it asked for male or female, and I refused to take the test."
"What?! No!" cried Kunzite as Nephrite soared past him.
"I'm a girl trapped in a woman's body!" cried Beryl, jumping in.
"I'm asexual," howled Metalia, sliding into the room. "I reproduce by budding, which is actually a fact!"
"No, not Metalia!" yelled Kunzite.
Zoisite dashed in the room.
"Kunzite, did you feel that?!"
"Yes!" said Kunzite. "Everyone's passed us!"
"Quick, Zoisite!" exclaimed Kunzite. "It's too late for me, but you have to hop on the bandwagon!"
"Right!" said Zoisite. He thought fast. "I'm an Apache attack helicopter!"
Everyone froze, but his ranking didn't go up.
"Why didn't I go up?" demanded Zoisite.
"Overused meme," said Nephrite.
"That's offensive," said several people, passing Nephrite.
"Hey!" said Nephrite. "That's offensive!"
He boosted up again. "Phew," he said.
"I just don't get it," said Zoisite, getting down on all fours. "Is being gay not cool anymore? Do you have to be something crazy to be at the top?"
"You're not cool unless you're on the second half of LGBT," said Beryl.
"That's offensive," said Kunzite, passing Zoisite but not going much higher.
"Actually," said Jadeite. "It's now LGBTQABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP."
Jadeite sky-rocketed to the top for being inclusive.
"That's offensive," said only half of the people, but their ratings dropped.
"No!" said Kenji. "I'm mean, that's offensive!"
Kenji went up a couple, and let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all these slurs being tossed around," said Jadeite.
Jadeite passed the top of the list, taking down Sailor Moon with ease.
"Yes!" said Jadeite. "I have a permanent slot at the top now!"
"There's only one thing left to do," realized Kenji.
He took his own life.
"Dumb kid," snickered Jadeite.
But that's when Kenji flew to the top of the list, passing Jadeite.
"Worth it," said Kenji in the afterlife.
"I'm fine with not being at the top, because usually the ones who aren't at the top are actually the better people, such as Rei's grandpa," stated Nephrite.
He moved up one ranking.
"I'm sick of getting bullied about my gender!" blurted out Jadeite randomly.
He took his own life, surpassing Kenji.
Queen Beryl took her own life too, but didn't say a reason so she was still below Kenji.
"Suicide is bad," said Nephrite, shaking his head.
His ranking went down.
"No!" he said. "I take it back!"
His ranking went up by one.
"Phew," he said. "I'm gonna leave before I say anything else wrong."
Nephrite left.
"I can't believe I'm at the bottom now," said Zoisite sadly.
"No," said Kunzite. "At least you're still above Shingo, and Motoki. That's really all that mattered."
"Yes," said Zoisite. "You're right."
FIN
