"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite, this chapter won't be about you," said Beryl. "Just run along."
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Actually it will be. Goodbye Beryl. YOU'RE the one who won't be seen for the rest of the chapter."
"NO!" yelled Beryl. "You will pay for this, Jadeite!"
But he didn't, because Beryl wasn't seen for the rest of the chapter.
"I have a good energy scheme this time," said Jadeite to no one in particular. "It involves selling cars that steal people's energy!"
No one responded.
"Please clap," instructed Jadeite.
A couple Youmas hanging around his dark space clapped.
"Good," said Jadeite. "That's what I like to hear."
Jadeite teleported to Earth and spawned a bunch of cars in an empty parking lot.
"Hmm," he said. "No one's here yet."
Jadeite waited.
"Looks like I must advertise my business."
Jadeite showed up in a TV studio that was shooting a commercial for State Farm.
"Take a nap," he suggested.
Everyone dropped.
"Shoot!" said Jadeite. "I don't have anyone to man the camera!"
Jed summoned a Youma.
The Youma looked around.
"Where am I?" she said.
Jadeite put her down.
"This won't work," said Jadeite.
He summoned another Youma.
The Youma didn't say anything.
"Good," said Jadeite. "Record this."
The Youma walked over to the camera and started recording.
"Shit, I didn't have a disguise on!" said Jed. "Did that air?"
"It's still airing," said the Youma.
"No!" said Jadeite.
He shot lightning at the camera.
"I'll find a new studio," he decided.
He put the Youma to rest and teleported away.
The Sailor pack sat at the temple.
"Let's watch something on TV," said Rei.
Grandpa turned on the TV. "Have fun, young girls," he said, walking away.
A commercial came on suddenly, that was much louder than the previous ones.
"HEYYYYY!" screamed a familiar blond man, who they just couldn't place. "I'm Crazy JAYDO. Why am I crazy, you might ask? If you saw my prices, you'd go insane too! WOOOOOOO!"
Jadeite leapt on the windshield of a car, shattering it.
Then he started gnawing on the car.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, pulling his hair out while getting close to the camera.
"I'm crazy!" he reported. "I'm actually GIVING these cars away! 99.9% off?! That's madness! What is wrong with me!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Jadeite threw a leaping kick, ending a car.
Then he lit himself ablaze with a gasoline tank and threw himself into another car.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. "Get these cars before I destroy them all!"
The commercial ended.
"Hmm," said Usagi. "I am 16. I should get a car. But Kenji won't buy me one."
"Just buy one at Jaydo's," said Rei. "Apparently, he's practically giving them away."
"Maybe I will," said Usagi. "Let's go."
The Sailors arrived at Jaydo's car lot.
"Greetings!" said Jaydo, extending his arm.
No one shook his hand, because they were frightened.
"Don't be spooked," suggested Jaydo. "I was just acting insane for the commercial. I'm actually quite sane. But my prices aren't. What are you ladies in the market for?"
"The cheapest one," said Usagi.
"The cheapest one?!" screamed Jaydo. "Why, you won't be able to afford that one, unless you have 1 yen!"
"What do you mean, 1 yen?" asked Usagi. "Is that the down payment?"
"No," said Jaydo. "The car is 1 yen. Do you want it?"
"Are these actually real cars?" asked Rei. "Not some kind of toy or something?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "In fact, since this is your first car, I'll give you one for free!"
"No way," said Ami. "This is insane."
"I told you!" yelled Jadeite.
He brought them up to a nice blue car.
"How's this one?" he asked.
"It looks brand new," noted Minako.
"Hmm," said Usagi. "Maybe not something blue… or maybe it is a cool color."
"Too late," said Jadeite. He destroyed the car with his fist.
He pulled out the steering wheel and threw it into the windshield. He tore off the hood, and started hammering the roof.
He finished the car off by pulling out a sledgehammer and bashing it until there was nothing left.
He then threw the rubble onto a conveyor belt, and it compressed the car until it was a single molecule.
"How about this red one?" asked Jed.
"Okay," said Usagi, not wanting to see another perfectly good car go to waste.
Jadeite tossed her the keys. "Have fun!"
"Wait," said Usagi. "Don't you want to check my license?"
"No," said Jaydo.
"Do I get a free car too?" asked Rei.
"No, you brat," said Jaydo. "You must pay 1 yen."
"I don't carry around single yen," said Rei.
Jaydo pulled out a sledgehammer.
"Wait, wait," said Rei. "Just give me a second."
The girls raced their cars down the street.
"I'm going to the temple!" called Rei out her window. "I'm dropping this one off and then going back to get ten more!"
"Oooh, I should too!" said Usagi. "I'll get one for Shingo when he comes of age, and one for Luna too, when she becomes a person again!"
They headed back to Jaydo's.
Ikuko hopped in her new car that Usagi bought her for 1 yen.
"1 yen?!" she said. "For this brand new model?! Absurd! I hope Usagi didn't just steal it and then lie."
Ikuko took off for the grocery store, and got on the highway.
"Time to put on some tunes," she said.
She turned on the radio, but nothing happened.
"Odd," she said.
Suddenly, she started feeling drained.
"Ugh…" she mumbled. "It's like my energy's being sucked away from me…"
She tried to keep her eyes opened, but did not.
She drifted to a deep slumber, but her car was still driving.
The road turned, but she didn't, and she went flying off a cliff and died just like Mamoru's family.
Motoki drove down the street in his new hotrod.
"With my earnings from Crown Arcade, I can buy 100 of these an hour! I can score any girl I want with this baby!"
"Hey," said Reika who was in the passenger seat.
"Oh," said Motoki. "I forgot you were here visiting."
"Hmm," said Reika.
Motoki started feeling sleepy all of a sudden.
"I've been working too hard lately," he thought. "But I need to keep Crown Arcade running as well as…"
Motoki passed out.
"Motoki," said Reika. "You just ran a red light!"
She turned to see Motoki was no longer conscious.
"Motoki!" she cried. "Motoki, wake up!"
She shook his shoulder, but nothing happened.
Reika turned to see a truck twice the size of their car driving right at them.
Reika screamed at the top of her lungs, but her scream was cut short.
Reika's life was taken, and so was Motoki's.
Their crunched car was reflected off the truck and into Crown Arcade, where it exploded.
"Usagi," said Luna. "Look at this in the paper!"
"How are you reading the paper?" Usagi asked entering the room. "Ah, you have it laid flat on the table. I see."
"Loooook!" said Luna. "It appears that car accidents resulting from drivers falling asleep at the wheel have gone up by 2000%."
"Ah," said Usagi. "Maybe there's a coffee shortage. Just today when I was walking to school, I saw three cars run off the road and into walls, resulting in explosions. It's like a dead zone going to school now. I never know when my life's gonna be cut short from a flying car."
"Usagi," said Luna. "Didn't your mom just die from falling asleep behind the wheel?"
"I forget," said Usagi. "I haven't seen her in a while."
"Something is off, and I feel like it's the Negaverse," said Luna.
"Hmmmmm," said Usagi, deep in thought.
Suddenly her phone rang.
"Moshi moshi!" said Usagi.
"Usagi, this is bad!" said Rei.
"What happened?" asked Usagi. "What did Grandpa do this time?"
"It's not him for once," said Rei. "Usagi, Ami is dead!"
"Noooooooooooo," said Usagi with great emotion.
"What happened?" asked Usagi.
"She fell asleep behind the wheel!" explained Rei.
"Well that's odd," said Usagi. "Everyone knows Ami gets twelve hours of sleep each night! She's like a cat!"
"Something isn't right here!" said Rei. "Hang on, I'm getting another call."
Sailor Moon waited patiently.
"Usagi, you still there?" asked Rei.
"Yes," said Usagi. "I picked up, didn't I?"
"Yes," said Rei. "Makoto has been taken."
"By who?" asked Usagi.
"The reaper," said Rei. "She fell asleep at the wheel and ran onto a train track! Let's just say she didn't have a happy ending!"
"D'oh," said Sailor Moon. "Rei, don't drive anywhere, okay?"
"Yes," said Rei. "But I'm going to investigate this."
"There's a common variable here," said Luna, putting the pieces together. "It all started when that Jaydo opened up a car shop and sold everyone cars for practically free!"
"I think we gotta pay Jaydo a visit," said Usagi.
Jaydo stood in his office holding a huge ball of energy.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" he laughed. "I should put this away before something dangerous happens. I don't know how I lose my ball every time, but this is different. I don't have any Youmas doing the dirty work this time."
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Jadeite put his ball of energy in his pocket.
"Coming!" he said, putting on a Jaydo voice.
He opened the door, and on the porch of the car shop was the Sailor Scouts.
"Ah!" he said. "I guess even Sailors need transportation!"
"No," said Sailor Moon. "We think your cars are putting people to sleep behind the wheel!"
"That's ridiculous," said Jaydo. "No car would have the power to do that."
"Yes," said Sailor Moon. "But can we investigate your car shop?"
"Sure," said Jaydo. "Just give me a second."
He closed the door.
He picked up a waste bin and screamed into it.
He took ten deep breaths and opened the door again.
"Ah," he said. "I'm back."
"Jaydo," said Sailor Mars. "Your pocket's glowing."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's just my phone. Someone's calling me, however I don't want to receive their call."
"Well, give us the keys to a car," said Minako. "We're going to check inside and make sure everything is normal."
"Ah, here you go!" said Jaydo.
They hopped in the car and turned it on.
"Hmm," said Mars. "If only we had Ami's scouter to scan this thing."
"RIP Ami," said Minako.
"Alright," said Sailor Moon. "Let's wait and see if we start feeling drained."
They waited.
Sailor Moon put the car on park and stepped on the gas, to see if that triggered anything.
Suddenly she felt drained.
"What is this?!" she demanded.
She took her foot off the gas, and turned off the car.
"That settles it," she said. "You all felt that too, right?"
"Yes," said Rei. "Nega energy."
Rei went to open the door, but it would not open.
"Huh?" she said. "Sailor Moon, unlock my door."
"It is unlocked," said Sailor Moon.
Suddenly the car started drifting.
"Brake!" commanded Minako.
"It's on park!" said Sailor Moon.
The car kept moving, and drove up onto the conveyer belt.
As the conveyer belt turned on, they heard the familiar slamming sound of a car compactor.
"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Sailor Moon.
They looked out the window, and saw Jaydo standing at the control booth laughing.
"Why Jaydo, why!?" cried Minako. "I knew you were crazy, but not this crazy!"
Jaydo snapped his fingers, and then he was wearing a Shitennou uniform.
"JADEEIIIITE!" yelled Sailor Moon. "Whenever we hear a name like yours, we should always suspect that person!"
"Heh heh," laughed Jadeite. "You should have left well enough alone, but now you little lambs are going to hell! Sorry to 'crush' your dreams! HAhahahaha!" he laughed.
"NOOOOOOOO!" repeated Sailor Moon as they approached the compactor.
They kept trying to open the car, but it did no good.
"Mars Fire Ignite!" yelled Mars, panicking.
"NO!" cried Sailor Moon and Minako.
The inside of the car heated up and they all got singed, but it did not open.
"GIRLS!" cried Luna, flanked by Artemis.
They ran up and tried to pull open the door, but it didn't work.
"Run, Luna!" yelled Sailor Moon. "You'll get crushed!"
"NO!" said Luna. She kept trying and trying.
"I've got this!" said Artemis.
He skittered up Jadeite's control booth, and hopped in.
He leapt with all he had at the reverse lever.
Jadeite swung his arm, and Artemis was tossed through the window and onto the conveyor belt, where he passed out.
"Artemis!" yelled Luna.
"Take a nap, furball!" yelled Jadeite.
He knocked out Luna, too.
"AHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Jadeite.
He took out a bag of popcorn, and put his legs on the control booth.
"This will be great!" he said, bouncing in his seat.
Suddenly he heard music.
"NO!" he screamed.
A rose flew at the windshield of the car the girls were trapped in, shattering it to pieces.
They leapt out at the last second, before getting crushed.
"NO!" repeated Jadeite.
His entire ball of energy vanished.
"What?!" he cried. "Why would that be?! Why didn't I just take that back to the Negaverse, I had so much time?!"
"It's over!" said Tuxedo Mask. "You use cars to-"
Jadeite leapt out of the controls and drop-kicked Tuxedo Mask.
"RRAAAAA!" he yelled.
He did a backflip into a portal.
"I'll be back!" called Jadeite.
Jadeite returned to the Negaverse.
"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Why did you let the energy get away?"
"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I don't know why I stand there holding it, instead of putting it in some kind of vault as I go."
"It's foolish," said Beryl. "It's like playing a videogame, but never considering saving until the end. What if your power goes out? What if you knock the cord out?"
"Leave me alone," said Jadeite. "I spent a lot of energy today spawning cars. One man named Kenji came back 2,000 times!"
"If you're just going to use energy and not make any, why don't you just give the energy directly to Metalia?"
"D'ah," said Jadeite. "Maybe next time."
FIN
