"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

That's when Kunzite sprinted in and threw a dropkick, taking Jadeite out of commission.

"Kunzite," said Beryl. "Why are you so rowdy today?"

"Ah," said Kunzite. "It's New Year's Eve! Who's ready to ring in the new year?!"

"I am!" said Nephrite running in. "I'm ready to finally fulfil my long sought-after New Year's resolution, of not drinking any alcohol!"

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "You've been at that resolution since the Silver Millennium, and you've never pulled it off for more than one day. Why don't you go with something a little more realistic, like getting energy for the Negaverse?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "This year is the year."

He put on a sweatband, and started jogging in place.

"What are you doing?" said Kunzite.

"I'm just getting ready for my run," said Nephrite. "My mistake in the previous years has been that I attempt to resist temptation, but I can't run fast enough away from the liquor stores. But this year, I've changed my plan. I'm working on my running, not my willpower. I'll sprint so fast they simply won't be able to catch me, and I will succeed!"

"Wow," said Beryl. "If only you put that much thought into getting energy."

"Haha," said Kunzite.

But he realized his mistake in drawing attention to himself seconds later.

"Kunzite," said Beryl. "What is your resolution this year?"

But like Nephrite, Kunzite was also ready.

He knew he had slipped up last year by not having a resolution ready, and Beryl had to pick one for him which was very unfortunate. So this time he made one up ahead of time.

"My resolution," announced Kunzite. "Is learning how to throw a cyclone punch."

"That's silly," said Beryl. "That sounds more like a Jed resolution to me."

Jadeite was recovered by the sound of his name, and hopped to his feet.

"Kunzite," he said. "Why did you run up and dropkick me?"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I'm just giddy."

"D'ah," said Jed. "Well, my New Year's resolution is to finally get through episode 6 of the anime."

"What do you mean?" asked Beryl.

"Well," said Jadeite. "For any fake fans, episode 6 is the one with the music tape and the bat Youma, and that boring piano guy."

"What's so hard about watching that?" asked Kunzite.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "Don't you star in that one?"

"I do!" said Jadeite. "That's why I'm upset with my inability to watch it!"

"Why can't you watch it?" said Nephrite.

"Ugh," said Jadeite. "It's just too boring. In fact, DiC cut it from their dub because it was so boring!"

"No," said Nephrite. "They actually cut it because the thought of a scary monster chasing a man throughout the city would have been too spooky for kids. Which is why they cut Zoisite chasing Gamer Joe."

"Didn't we already discuss this?" said Beryl.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I thought it was cut because Usagi was drinking from a bar."

"No," said Nephrite. "They could always do the cliché anime juice cover-up, like they did to me."

"Lemonade," chuckled Kunzite.

"Who told you about that?!" said Nephrite.

"Zoisite," said Kunzite. "Hey, where is he?"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I haven't seen him all day. Which is quite odd, because if there's one thing Zoisite enjoys, it's his face being shown."

"Zoisite couldn't even wait until his own arc to show his face," said Nephrite. "He in fact showed up on my first episode, which is completely unprecedented when I'm the one being introduced!"

"I haven't interacted with Zoisite much," said Jadeite. "But from what I've heard, he likes to be the center of attention."

"The last time I saw him," said Kunzite. "Was this morning, when I wished him a happy New Year."

"That little snake!" said Nephrite. "He's trying to get out of doing a New Year's resolution! Don't you remember last year, when he tried to eat pasta or something instead of a challenge?!"

"Oooooooh!" said Beryl, fumed. "Kunzite, track him down!"

"On it," said Kunzite.

Kunzite fled.

"I'm off," said Jadeite.

"Me too," said Nephrite. "I gotta go run on my treadmill to prepare for the big day."

Once they were gone, Beryl looked around.

"They're gone, Kenji," she said.

Kenji climbed down from the big skull-like statue attached to Beryl's throne that he had climbed like a tree.

"Gee," said Kenji. "I just didn't want to cause any trouble on a holiday."

"Kenji, what is your resolution?" asked Beryl.

"Hmmm," thought Kenji. "Probably to beat Shingle less."

"Bad resolution," said Beryl. "Yours should be to eat less toast."

"Good one," said Kenji. "But not one that will happen."

"Sad," said Beryl. "Your toast obsession is one of your few vices in life."

"What's your resolution, Beryl?" asked Kenji.

"Hmmmm," thought Beryl. "I think I'll take more days off from work. I've been pushing myself too hard, and I spend 90% of my life on this throne, and the other 10% in Metalia's chambers. I need more me time. Metalia waited 1,000 years, she can wait the extra day or two if I take weekends off."

"Wise decision," said Kenji.


Jadeite sat down in the Nega computer lounge and loaded up ol' KissAnime.

"Sneaky ads," he said, catching one that flew by.

After spending 10 minutes closing all the pop-ups, he finally brought up episode 6 of Sailor Moon.

"I can do this," he told himself.

That was the last thing he remembered.

He woke up two hours later with 20 ads on his screen.

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "I didn't even make it past the opening! Just thinking about what lied ahead put me to sleep!"

Jadeite scrolled back in the video to where the episode began.

"Come on, Jadeite!" he said. "You appear in this one! You are enough to keep any audience interested!"

The episode opened in Queen Beryl's throne room.

But no one said a word.

Jadeite and Beryl were both staring at her crystal ball, as a cassette tape was inside of it.

Jadeite started to close his eyes.

"Say something, Jeddo!" he pleaded to his past self.

But the lullaby put him to sleep.


Nephrite ran laps around the Juuban High School track.

He passed by Melvin who was in a hot sweat.

"Ah, Maxfield!" wheezed Melvin. "Wait up pal!"

But Nephrite didn't stop, and kept running at max speeds.

He finished his three laps, and then stopped the stopwatch and looked at his record time.

"Good!" thought Nephrite. "But not fast enough to outrun my urges!"

Nephrite started another three lap spin.


Kunzite stepped inside his castle.

First he checked the freezer, and then the refrigerator.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "He's not in his usual hiding spots."

He checked under the bed, and then in the closet.

"Zoisite!" he called.

There was no reply.

"Whelp, I guess he can't be found," said Kunzite. "Time to work on my cyclone punch."

Kunzite teleported into Motoki, the Earth human's, abode.

"Yeah, Unazuki," said Motoki. "My resolution is to call you your real name, and not just Motoki's sister! And also to be more friendly at work!"

"Wow," said Motoki's sister. "That's a lot on your plate. I think instead of those things, you should focus on trying to avoid those boys from the Negaverse at all costs. It always ends with you flying away in a beam, to the great beyond or further."

"Sorry, Motoki's sister," said Motoki. "But I can't do that. Shoot!" he realized. "I forgot your name again!"

Kunzite appeared.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki's sister.

Kunzite shot a dark energy wave, stopping her heartbeat permanently.

"No, Motoki's sister!" cried Motoki.

"Young Motoki," said Kunzite. "Teach me the cyclone punch."

"Never!" yelled Motoki. "You just killed my sister!"

"Alright, I'll bargain with you," said Kunzite. "I'll have Metalia revive your sister, if you teach me the cyclone punch."

"Fine," said Motoki. "I guess I have no choice. Now watch closely as I throw a cyclone punch at this door here."

Kunzite watched closely and took notes.

"See?" said Motoki. "Easy as pie. Now heal my sister."

"I can't," said Kunzite. "I still don't understand what exactly a cyclone punch is."

"Just do exactly as I do," said Motoki. "I'll show you again."

Kunzite observed with great intensity, and then he tried his own.

But it was just a regular punch.

Motoki shook his head. "You're just not doing it right," he said.

"Teach me better!" demanded Kunzite. "Explain to me the exact motions!"

"Eh… that's kind of hard," said Motoki. "Can't you just mimic exactly what I do? It's not something that can be explained well with words."

Kunzite was getting mad.

"Just try!" he said. "I'm more of a written learner than a visual learner!"

Motoki just shook his head.

"Here," he said. "I'll throw a cyclone punch at you, and maybe that will help you."

"Alright," said Kunzite, bracing himself.

Motoki threw a cyclone punch, and Kunzite was lifted off into the air in a cyclone.

Kunzite dropped to the ground, sustaining some damage.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "How can such a weakling do so much damage with just one cyclone punch?! It's such a powerful technique!"

Motoki scoffed. "Any human or other entity can do it," he said. "It's just simple martial arts. I find it quite funny that someone as powerful as you cannot pull off such an easy move."

Kunzite killed Motoki. "I need a good teacher," he said. "Not some fool who can't even describe a cyclone punch."


Kenji sat at his dining room table with his son Shingle.

Ikuko was whipping up some dessert. Usagi was absent – hopefully not at some boy's house.

"So, Shingle," he said. "How are you doing in school?"

"Eat shit, old man!" said Shingo.

Kenji unsheathed his fist. He hesitated for a very long time, and then let out a long sigh.

He put his fist back in his pocket.

"Son," said Kenji. "How is that girl with the dolls? I read about her in the newspaper the other day, isn't she a friend of yours?"

"Shut up," said Shingle. "Go eat your toast, rat boy! You must be a rat if you eat toast, since it's probably the worst food humanity has created."

Kenji stood up, pushing out his chair.

He shook his head. "Not this year," he said. "I won't break my resolution!"

"Nice glasses, four-eyes!" said Shingo.

Kenji leapt over the table, throwing a punch, and then throwing a rapidkick into Shingle's stomach and then neck.

He threw a double-elbow mighty slam, killing Shingle.

"Phew," said Ikuko, trashing Shingo's Hot Pocket she was making.

"How did Shingoo get brown hair anyway?" asked Kenji. "Did you have an affair, Ikuko?"

Ikuko threw a leaping punch, and Kenji had to put her down.

"Both my kids," considered Kenji.


Nephrite was doing some stretches at the track as the sun went down.

Kunzite appeared.

"Go away," said Nephrite. "I'm busy preparing for the 5k run."

"Stop fooling around," said Kunzite. "And teach me the cyclone punch."

"What?" scoffed Nephrite, trying to suppress a chuckle. "You don't know the cyclone punch? Even that nerd over there probably knows the cyclone punch!"

"Hidy ho!" called Melvin. "Does that guy not know the cyclone punch?"

Kunzite shot a long-range projectile, killing Melvin.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I'll do it in slow motion for you. Watch carefully."

Nephrite performed a perfect cyclone punch specimen.

Kunzite let out a scream when he tried and failed. "I just can't do it!" he said. "EXPLAIN IT TO MEEEEE!"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "It just can't be put in words, just like the grand slam. I guess you either know the cyclone punch, or you don't."

"It can't be!" said Kunzite, getting on his hands and knees and sobbing. "I have it all, but what am I if I can't do the cyclone punch!?"

Kunzite finally got on his feet as Nephrite continued to stretch.

"Nephrite," he said finally. "Take my cape. I am no lord without the cyclone punch!"

"Gee," said Nephrite. "That's a nice offer, but sadly I can't accept it. It will just weigh me down during my sprint."

"Grrr!" said Kunzite, burning his cape in his palm.

Kunzite fled.

Nephrite looked at his watch.

"10 minutes until midnight!" he gasped. "I better head to town now to begin my walk down the streets, since it's inevitable!"

Nephrite started walking towards town, but faded away mid-walk as part of his teleport.


Jadeite's alarm went off loudly.

"Huh?!" said Jadeite. "Queen Beryl, is that you?"

He looked around.

"Oh," he said. "It's just the Nega computer lounge."

He looked at the computer screen. It was the credits of Sailor Moon.

"No!" he said. "I fell asleep again!? I remember getting past the Negaverse part, which was a great milestone, but then they started dealing with that human of the week, and I couldn't take it anymore!"

Jadeite decided it was time for drastic measures.

He picked up a 28 Hour Energy, and consumed it all in one gulp.

Then he drank 14 cups of coffee, and turned on a loud, blaring siren.

"I can't possibly fall asleep now," he said, pushing his chair away and doing jumping jacks.

He scrolled to halfway through the episode, and clicked the play button.

But then he woke up 10 hours later, laying on his chair.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "Why!? Can't?! I?! Watch?! This one episode?!"

Jadeite started to cry. "How does a man not make it through his own arc?!"


Kunzite appeared at Hikawa Shrine.

"If anyone could teach me the cyclone punch, it's this man," thought Kunzite.

He stopped at the door. "I would ask Zoisite," he said. "But he can't be located right now. Besides, he would probably be of no help to me, since someone like him probably doesn't even know what the cyclone punch is."

Kunzite sighed and knocked on the door.

He held his breath.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" greeted Grandpa. "Oh, it's you, Kunzite," he said. "What do you want? Did they send the best of you this time to try and take my crystal, since that Zoisite had such a hard time last time?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I come in peace. I know how much you like teaching martial arts, and I just want you to teach me the cyclone punch."

"Hmmm," said Grandpa. "Maybe if you were a girl, I'd want to do it more readily."

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Rumor has it you hit on boys and girls."

"Yes," said Grandpa. "But I favor girls more than boys."

"Grrr," said Kunzite.

"Alright," said Grandpa. "Come in."

Kunzite entered.

Grandpa took out a big book, labeled "Martial Arts Encyclopedia."

He flipped to C, and read down the list. "Ah, Cyclone Punch, here it is! Here's a diagram on how to do it!"

"Wait," said Kunzite. "It's an encyclopedia, so don't they describe how to do it?"

"No," said Grandpa sadly. "You can't describe the cyclone punch. It's just something that you feel inside."

Kunzite got mad and flipped to the glossary.

"Cyclone Punch," it read. "A mighty punch that's like a cyclone."

"NOO!" said Kunzite. "I already knew that! This doesn't tell me how to do it!"

"Just follow my lead," said Grandpa. "We'll go step by step."

"Okay," said Kunzite.

"Here is step one," said Grandpa.

Grandpa threw the cyclone punch.

"Your turn!" said Grandpa.

"That's not a step!" yelled Kunzite furiously.

"Sorry," said Grandpa. "It's a single motion. I can't simplify it more."

Kunzite ended him, and took off to the Nega archives.

He read through every single book, and then gave up.

"I'm not a hand-to-hand fighter anyway," he decided.

Kunzite went to bed.


Nephrite was walking down the street.

"New year, new me," he said.

He passed by a bar.

"Hello, old friend," he said.

He went to open the door.

"No," he said. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nephrite took off in a sprint, faster than he's ever ran before in his life.

"Yes, YES!" he said. "I'm moving so fast that I can't even see what the stores are! I'll never stop at a bar now!"

He continued his sprint all the way off into the wilderness, where there were no bars in sight.

"Phew," he said, coming to a stop. "I did it! I outran the bars and the temptations!"

That's when he heard a loud stomping noise, and turned around to see a bar chasing after him.

"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Just as the store was about to pull him in, he took off sprinting again.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" he said. "2018 IS THE YEAR OF THE VICTORY!"

Nephrite managed to escape the bar, and went a full day without drinking against all odds.

He met up with Jadeite at the soda machine, January 2nd.

"I couldn't do it," said Jed. "It was just too boring."

"Ah," said Nephrite. "Well I, on the other hand, managed to pull it off."

"You're drinking beer from a flask right now!" said Jed.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "I decided it was a one day resolution. I can't run for 365 days a year, what kind of life is that? Maybe next year I'll go for two days."

"Well, congratulations," said Jadeite. "I failed yet another year. Would you mind watching my episode for me and telling me if I appear again after the beginning?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "You can't pay me enough to watch that."

"Fair enough," said Jadeite.


Beryl was walking down the Negahalls.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

And when she turned the corner, she spotted Zoisite climbing down from a chandelier.

"AHA!" said Beryl. "I found you! You thought you could fool me?!"

"No!" cried Zoisite.

Beryl charged like 1,000 suns, and Zoisite had no choice but to fight back.

Zoisite threw a perfectly executed cyclone punch, sending Beryl flying into the air.

Zoisite took off sprinting and never returned.

FIN