"Queen Beryl!" I yelled. "I found a new source of energy!"
This was how I started every day.
My name is Jadeite, and I'm one of the Great Four of the Dark Kingdom. Life isn't always easy, but I get by living like every day is my last.
I have short blond hair, typical boy style, and much better than average looks. Some call me handsome; I agree with that.
So here I was, this typical work day. Sometimes I felt like a husk, just living but not doing much else. The days were fleeting, yet each lasted an eternity too long.
Usually this didn't bother me, but today I was being rather introspective for reasons I can't quite place.
"Hey Jeddo," said a rather unmasculine voice from behind me.
I didn't have to turn around to know it was none other than my coworker Zoisite, of the Negaverse. I couldn't be sure, but he was surely floating several paces above me, and several paces behind me. Or at least the projection of his voice sounded as though it originated from there.
"What do you want, Zoisite?" I spoke, turning.
Zoisite had a rather feminine figure for a male, and his face could easily have been mistaken for a female. In fact, if one were to give him a girl's voice, you would think he was a female. He had long orange hair, of which was tied in a loose ponytail. His overall demeanor was relaxed and confident, and his posture read that he was comfortable with his identity.
And his face – oh, his face. However mocking it is, there was some childish enthusiasm, unexpected from someone who was so unfriendly to those around him. In a different time and place, I would ask him to be my friend, and maybe start up a conversation with him. But not in this dimension. Friends were not a commodity in our kingdom.
I pondered Zoisite's reason for floating above me, and related it to his condescending attitude. For someone so confident, a condescending attitude is a must. There was no such thing as confidence without pride, and pride leads to negative effects on one's personality.
However, all this being said, one would simply not expect for this young man here to have such a fragile disposition. I've heard rumors, likely true, that Zoisite could be found crying on his lover's knee, in a completely defenseless position. You would think someone so antagonistic would not be shattered so quickly, like throwing rocks at a glass window.
All in all, I could sum up Zoisite's personality as being one in a million. Cruel and heartless one minute, yet sulking and vulnerable the next.
"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Why are you looking at me like that? It's like you're trying to analyze me or something."
Ah, how ever insightful he was.
"Listen Jed, I'll have you know that I don't roll that way," said Zoisite. "Actually," he said with a pause. "I may, but sadly you're just not my type."
"Zoisite," I retorted. "Your wit and attempts at humor brighten the dark, dreary atmosphere of the Negaverse. Never change, young man."
Zoisite was thrown for a loop. For a second, his face flashed an expression of complete bewilderment, but Zoisite was a resilient one. Not after the Moon Wand fiasco, but in a different sense.
"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Are you feeling alright? You seem a bit more poetic today."
I scoffed lightly. "The life of a flower," I began, speaking the words like I was singing a sad song. "Is short and full of suffering."
"Good one," said Zoisite.
That's when there was a flash of light, and my queen had arrived.
Oh, Queen Beryl. She is my everything. She is my only reason for existence. I live to serve her. And yet…
"Jadeite!" screamed Beryl. "Where's that energy, boy?"
"Um… I…" I stammered.
"Beryl-sama," cajoled Zoisite. "Jadeite's acting very odd today. I think he needs a lesson, my beautiful queen."
"Shut up, Zoisite," said Beryl. "If anyone's getting punished it's you! Where is my Silver Crystal?!"
Zoisite fled without a word.
The structure of our kingdom was fragile yet sturdy, and things remained the same no matter who got what or how our plans turned out.
Beryl is our supreme ruler, and what she says goes. No one has ever questioned it, at least out loud. If one was to question her, they would witness her wrath. There are only rumors about how great her wrath is, but I would imagine she could kill any of the Great Four, even if we were completely without injury. Her physical capabilities are far beyond a regular human, and against Queen Beryl herself we would be like a paper tiger in front of a hurricane.
"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Why aren't you responding to my question? You better not be having some inner monologue! Those are forbidden in my kingdom! When you become an anime MC, then you can have inner monologues, but until then, answer my questions, young one!"
"Ah, sorry my queen," I replied. "What were you asking?"
Beryl sneered. "I was asking," she said. "How many Sailors have you exterminated?"
"Ah," I began. "Let me answer that question with another question. What is it to be alive when your destiny is prewritten? It's debatable whether regular humans have free will, and clearly us Shitennou do not. But I wonder. When I am gone, will I dream? In my dreams, will I have a free will? Or am I incapable now, after all this time?"
"Jadeite," said Beryl. "You're bumming me out, come on."
"Sorry," I spoke. "But my time in your service has reached its completion. It's time to dot my t's and cross my i's, and then write a memoir. Farewell."
"No," said Beryl.
But my feet kept moving, as if I did have some form of freedom, free will if you will.
I did not look back once.
Ah, what lies ahead! My life is a blank canvas now!
There was a blinding light suddenly, increasing in luminosity as it approached me.
"Shoot!" I yelled, mid-monologue.
My world faded to black.
Am I in heaven?
Order of the Silver Rose Court: Book I – The Awakening
Jadeite was walking up to Queen Beryl's throne room.
"This is a good day!" thought Jed.
But several Shitennou blocked his path.
"It's over," said Kunzite. "You're just not fit for the Great Four."
"Yeah!" said Zoisite. "You're a crybaby and not fit to be our leader!"
"Hey!" said Jadeite. "You're the biggest crybaby I know, skid, and I'm not your leader!"
"We are now the Great Three," said Nephrite. "Go straight to heck, why dontcha?"
"Yahoo!" yelled Kenji. "Let's give him the beatdown and alienate him for no reason!"
"No!" cried Jadeite. "Don't alienate me for no reason!"
"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But it has to be this way, Jeddo."
"Why have you all turned on me?" demanded Jed.
"We have felt this way all along," said Kunzite. "We just never acted like it, but now we are all of the sudden."
Kunzite fired his best attack, sending Jadeite into peril.
"Wait!" said Jadeite. "Let me transform! I'm still in my base form!" he pleaded, sporting a sailor captain costume and tan skin.
"No," said Zoisite. "You don't just not deserve to be our leader, you deserve to die!"
Zoisite fired his critical fire attack, but oddly enough Jadeite wasn't very phased.
That's when Queen Beryl and Metalia showed up, and threw their best attacks at Jadeite.
Queen Beryl shot the attack that killed Zoisite, and Metalia fired a giant beam.
Prince Endymion flew in with his sword, and threw it like a projectile.
"This is the end," thought Jadeite, as his vision faded to black.
Jadeite woke up in the hospital.
"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm alive. Those fiends didn't even give me a chance to transform back into my true form! How did I survive?"
"Ah," said a young girl, who was in a medieval knight costume. "I am Elis Beauregard, of the Syliphid Knights. We rescued you from near-death at the last second after all your friends abandoned you."
"Good work," said Jed.
"Let me introduce you to the rest of the Syliphid Knights," said Elis.
"It's okay," said Jadeite. "I'm still trying to figure out why everyone turned on me out of the blue, I won't be able to memorize all these new names."
"Ah," said Elis, the captain. "Now this girl, with the long pink hair, is Chiharu. She is our vice leader, and she is a master of close-range attacks. To her left is Manami, the youngest of the team. But don't think because she's young, she's not as good as the rest of us."
Jadeite wrote in his notepad but he didn't write fast enough.
"Manami's sister here is named Chelsea. She is the blue-haired girl, who's a master of illusions."
"Wait, hang on," said Jadeite. "Why does a Japanese girl have a sister with an English name?"
But Elis kept going, as though she was speaking through Jadeite and to a reader of sorts. "Chelsea wouldn't be on the team if it wasn't for Sasha here vouching for her. Sasha has been a member of the Syliphid Knights for a long time. Now over here we have Jenny, who has long blonde hair and is very good at battle strategies. She is a strategist to us, due to her abilities. And now, for Joseph," continued Elis. "Although he is a boy, he's a very valuable asset to the team. If it wasn't for his-"
"SHUT UP!" screamed Jadeite. "What is this?! Why are you introducing so many OC's at once, and why are so many of them American if this story takes place in Japan?!"
"No," said Elis. "This is America now."
"I don't speak English," said Jed. "But seriously, why are there so many OC's? Is this some kind of bad fanfiction that just has one Sailor Moon character, and the rest are OC's? That's not a fanfiction at all, that's just your own story! Go on another site, skiddo! Oh wait, but then no one would read your story. Now I understand."
Elis was floored. She had long blue hair in a ponytail. Her eyes were as brown as the fall leaves, and twice as beautiful.
"NOOO!" said Jadeite. "I don't care about the OC's right now! Maybe if you introduced them slowly and worked them into the story, and one or two at a time at most!"
"Jadeite," said Chelsea. "We rescued you from your evil friends who turned on you. So now you will become a Syliphid Knight."
"No," said Jadeite. "I'm a Shitennou. I can't just become a knight, dummy. If I have to live in a world with this many OC's and where I'm the only thing making this story a Sailor Moon story, then I don't want to live at all. Enjoy getting your story taken down for it not being about a show."
Jadeite took his own life.
"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Jenny, fading from existence.
The Shitennou React to Season One
"Why did you call us all here, Beryl?" asked Kunzite.
"It's time," said Beryl.
"Shoot," said Jadeite. "Could you please give me a cooler death scene this time? Mine's one of the lamest in the series, next to Mimet."
"No," said Beryl.
"D'ah," said Jadeite.
"No," said Beryl. "As in I'm not going to kill you. I finally got my package in the mail. It's the DVDs for the first season of Sailor Moon!"
"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "Is it Viz dub?"
"No," said Beryl. "I don't have that kind of money. And also Viz SUUUUUUCKS for blocking all the vids on the official Negaverse YouTube channel."
"Those fiends," said Zoisite. "No wonder I didn't know we had a channel."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Jadeite, getting giddy. "The first 13 episodes are the best, just so you know! Actually, first 12. They could have been a stand-alone anime, and they were going to be!"
"No," said Nephrite. "The second arc was the true masterpiece for the next five seasons."
"I personally don't like the way I was portrayed in my arc," said Zoisite. "I don't think I had one good moment. They only put me in a goofy light, and the facial expressions did not help my character!"
"Hmm, I think they put you in a goofy light ever since halfway through Nephrite's arc," said Kunzite.
"Quiet," said Zoisite.
"For the record," said Kunzite. "The fourth arc would have been much better if I didn't have to share it with Mamoru Chiba."
"I agree," said Beryl. "It would have been better if it was only Mamoru Chiba."
"Grrrr," said Kunzite.
"Alright, team," said Beryl. "We meet in the lounge in 20 minutes. Be there or be square. Bring a pillow boys!"
"Can I bring a blanket?" asked Jadeite.
"No," said Beryl. "But everyone else can."
They met in the lounge and sat on the sofa.
"Where's Nephrite?" said Kunzite.
"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "Just start it without him."
"Fine," said Nephrite, appearing with an armful. "I guess I'll just keep these snacks all to myself."
"Snacks, please," said Zoisite.
"Give me the Cheetos," said Jed.
"If you get lucky," said Nephrite.
He dished out the snacks, and Jadeite got lucky and got some Cheetos.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "I don't want pretzels."
Nephrite shook his head. "You get what you get, and you don't get upset."
"Nice diddy," said Jed.
Nephrite sat down.
Beryl pressed the play button, and then skipped the opening.
It started off with Beryl sitting there as ominous music played.
"A cool cat's about to enter the fray," whispered Jadeite.
"No," said Nephrite. "I know I didn't appear in this episode."
"We must find the Silver Crystal," said Beryl. "Jadeite, report."
Jadeite applauded his own appearance.
"Mmm," he said. "The star of the show!"
A translator note appeared at the top of the screen, explaining the Dark Kingdom and the Shitennou.
"Hey!" he yelled when it stated that Jadeite was the lowest ranking. "That's never stated explicitly in the show, they shouldn't just jump to conclusions!"
"Actually," said Kunzite. "In the Silver Millennium episode, you were standing in the back with Zoisite, demonstrating that you were in fact the lowest rank."
"No," said Jadeite. "Non-canon. That was just a dream world, the events there could have been totally imagined."
"Wrong," said Beryl. "We were there for that. I remember Jed being in the back. He tried to stand in the front and Metalia herself had to discipline him."
"Quiet," said Nephrite, munching loudly on some Munchos.
Soon Jadeite's plan went under way.
"A flawless plan," commented Jadeite at least three times.
Morga soon dropped.
"Stupid Morga," said Jadeite.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Let's skip a couple episodes, maybe 10 or 11 or 12."
"No," said Beryl. "No skipping. That's my rule."
"But you skipped the opening," said Zoisite.
"That doesn't count," said Beryl.
They continued into the next episode.
"Ah," said Zoisite. "A Melvin episode. What a great second episode. Almost makes up for it being a Jed episode."
"Shut up," said Jed.
In this episode, Beryl at one point sent a huge mob of Youmas to go look for the Silver Crystal.
"What the heck?!" said Kunzite. "When did this happen!?"
"It's usually overlooked," said Beryl. "But I did in fact cause 3,000,000 deaths that day."
"Did the Youmas ever find the Silver Crystal?" asked Zoisite.
"Shut up," said Beryl.
Next episode was none other than Radio Jed.
"A classic," said Zoisite.
Nephrite was already getting sleepy.
"Wake up, fool," said Jadeite. "Watch this battle."
Jadeite decided to turn up the volume as he faced off against none other than Sailor Moon.
"Wow," said Kunzite. "What a beating. Easily comparable to my fight with Sailor Moon."
Jadeite caught the Moon Tiara with great ease.
"Ha," scoffed Zoisite. "This is Sailor Moon's third day on the job. Not even a big feat."
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "The tiara itself has an unwavering power level throughout the series."
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I should have blocked the tiara that time it came flying at me. If Jed could do it, I certainly can."
"No," said Zoisite. "You would have got ended if it wasn't for luck."
"No," said Nephrite. "I was clearly ready to block it, which is why I wasn't more distressed. I believe I said 'Drat!' or something minor like that."
"Yeah," said Zoisite. "Drat as in your life was over."
"No one says 'Drat' when their life is over," said Nephrite. "In fact, a regular human had time to step in the way, and it took Sailor Moon a couple seconds to stop the tiara, so I easily had time to catch it or jump out of the way. In fact, the only reason it got close to me was because I was getting distracted."
"Save it for when we watch that episode," said Beryl. "We can't judge now."
"No," said Nephrite. "I was there, I remember it!"
"Why did you hop through that portal just because you started hearing music?" asked Kunzite suddenly.
"Actually," said Jadeite. "I sensed his power level."
"Lies," said Zoisite. "That's obviously not the case. You were scared of Tuxedo Mask's theme."
"No," said Jadeite. "That was my first time hearing it. If anything, I was spooked at where someone had been able to place a boombox."
"Jadeite's so weak he needs portals to get to the Negaverse. I simply fade away while walking," stated Nephrite.
"That was to your house on Earth," said Zoisite.
"Remember that Ninjana episode where I summoned a portal?" said Kunzite.
"Quiet," said Beryl. "Please focus on the episode, you'll all get your time in the spotlight."
"But I hate Ms. Haruna-sensei," said Zoisite. "I'm glad she gets a beating every other episode."
"She's a good source of energy," said Jed.
The next ep was the gym episode.
"I'm confused," said Kunzite. "Sailor Moon had a nice figure."
"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Keep your eyes to yourself, pal! How could you?!"
"Sorry," said Kunzite.
"I have to say," said Nephrite. "That's a nice disguise, Jadeite."
"Thank you, thank you," said Jadeite.
Sometime later in the episode, Jadeite tricked some humans into hopping into obvious Negapods.
"Foolish humans," said Zoisite. "And foolish plan, Jadeite. You couldn't have possibly known the humans would be that stupid."
"I lucked out," said Jed. "This is one of the few episodes I got energy."
"Yes," said Beryl. "We can consider it a half-success."
The screen had Beryl saying the exact same line.
"Typical Beryl," said Zoisite. "Always one to complain."
"Want an eternal beatdown?" asked Beryl.
"Nah," said Zoisite.
Eventually came episode 6, the infamous music episode.
Nephrite fell asleep within the first two minutes.
"Hey, get off me!" said Zoisite.
But that's when Zoisite fell asleep.
Beryl was knocked out cold, and Kunzite's eyes were starting to close.
Jadeite tried to stay awake.
"How can these fools not pay attention to such a good episode?" demanded Jadeite.
But the longer Jadeite tried to watch it, the more he felt drowsy.
"Good night," he said.
The Shitennou regained consciousness shortly after the episode.
They watched a few more eps, and they were soon on episode 11, the amusement park.
They watched as Jadeite's candy house turned to dust, and Jadeite's big ball of energy left him.
Zoisite shook his head. "How do you keep letting your boy slip away? Get a better grip, boy!"
"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I guess I counted my eggs before they hatched. I should always store the energy before it's too late. Maybe even flee with the ball when the Sailors appear. I don't know why I had to hold it. I should have taken it from those incompetent Youmas."
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Looking at your bad episodes, I wish I had an energy arc. I would have had some great plans, and they would have been great successes."
"No," said Nephrite. "You'd throw a ragefit every time your ball left you, whereas Jadeite was used to failure."
"Hey," said Jadeite, but he said nothing else.
"Jadeite let three Sailor Scouts total be born," commented Kunzite. "He should be blamed for our failures as an organization."
"Shut up, capeboy," said Jadeite. "At least one of my plans was a success."
"Let's not point fingers," said Kunzite.
They arrived at the boat episode, and Nephrite's snacks were long gone.
"Shoot!" he said. "I didn't even manage to have any left for my arc! What a terrible fate!"
"Be quiet," said Beryl. "I want to see how this plays out. Thetis is my precious Youma, I hope nothing happens to her."
"I will go get more snacks," said Nephrite.
"No," said Jadeite. "This is one of my best episodes."
"Love the costume," said Nephrite. "You look good tan."
"Thanks," said Jed. "You should have tried some more outfits."
"Heh," said Nephrite. "I didn't know I could change my skin color and hair color. Imagine the possibilities."
"Hmm," said Zoisite, watching the episode closely since it was new material to him. "Why is this scene of these two human girls fighting monsters so long?"
"They were strong creatures, even in their base," said Jadeite. "I had to send my best forces at them."
"How did you not know they were Sailor Mercury and Mars?" asked Kunzite.
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I heard about your infamous princess school episode, where you narrowed it down to three girls."
"No," said Kunzite. "My Youma did. She just wasn't able to relay the information in time thanks to Beryl's young pup."
"Don't talk about Endymion-sama like that!" said Beryl.
"What episode is this?" asked Nephrite.
"I think 12," said Beryl.
"OOoooh," said Nephrite. "I'm coming up soon, next episode in fact, even if it's only a cameo."
Jadeite, who was in high spirits for most of the sitting, suddenly got depressed.
"Why do all good things come to an end?" he asked.
That's when Beryl appeared in Jadeite's dark space.
"Hey," said Zoisite. "I think you're drawn a little off, Beryl."
"Yes," said Beryl. "I didn't get much sleep that night."
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "It looks like a totally different character."
"Yes," said Beryl. "This is probably my worst appearance in the whole show. I heard the animators took a break that day, and used a crew of chimps specifically for that scene. I guess you're bound to have some bad moments when you appear that much. If you guys appeared half as much as I did, you'd probably have some bad scenes too."
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Zoisite has a couple bad scenes."
"Wrong," said Zoisite. "Just goofy expressions."
It was episode 13 and Jadeite was glum.
"Cool spotlights," commented Nephrite. "I didn't know you had those, Beryl."
"Yes," said Beryl. "I'm not quite sure who installed them. Maybe it was just some weird Dark Kingdom weather, because I don't think we have a ceiling in my throne room."
"I hate this scene," said Jadeite, clenching his fist.
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "At least Jadeite's at his peak of animation, except for that scene where it zooms out of him."
"Ah," said Beryl. "I look pretty good too. This is definitely one of my best. So much changed from the last episode."
Jadeite appeared as a giant image over the city, and then burnt it down.
"Cool!" said Kunzite. "But sadly it was a bluff. One time I took out a whole city's power."
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I think I appeared as a big image in Nephrite's house once."
"Yes," said Nephrite. "That's because you and Jadeite both are weak, so you have similar powers."
"Hush," said Zoisite.
It was now time for the airport.
"Nice mud men," said Beryl.
"Thank you, thank you," said Jadeite. But he was still glum.
"The life of a flower," said Jadeite on screen.
"Is short and full of suffering," said Jadeite in the real world.
"Wow," said Kunzite. "Did you prepare that beforehand?"
"Yes," said Jadeite.
Jadeite sent his planes to do his dirty work, but then the planes stopped, and a familiar tune began to play.
"Such character development!" said Jadeite. "I didn't flee from the tune at all!"
Tuxedo and Jadeite began to engage in fierce combat.
"What is this?" said Zoisite. "Where's the fight? You're just spinning around."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "They were saving the animation for the good fight. No one cares about me fighting Tuxedo Mask apparently. The fight was just for power scale."
Jadeite defeated Tuxedo Mask handily, and then rose out of the water like Imperfect Cell from Dragon Ball Z.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "Zoisite, didn't you struggle against that Tuxedo Mask, whereas Jadeite just toppled him pretty easily?"
"Can it, Kunzboy," said Zoisite. "Jadeite may have more brute strength, but he's all brawns and I'm all brains. I had some good fights against Tuxedo, and in fact killed him."
"Hey!" said Beryl. "Don't bring that up! Just thinking about that makes me want to end you!"
"Yikes," said Zoisite, knowing what was to come in later episodes.
That's when Jadeite stood up without a word and left.
"Hey!" called Beryl. "Your episode's not over!"
"That's okay," said Jadeite. "Farewell."
"Wow," said Zoisite. "I can't believe he only came to watch his own episodes. We all watched his, he should watch ours!"
"No," said Beryl. "You just watched his because you're waiting for yours. If your spots were switched, you'd do the same."
"No," said Zoisite. "I'd stick around for Nephrite's end, and Queen Beryl's end."
"No end," said Beryl.
Nephrite's arc began with a grand slam.
"Stupid Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Hogging all my screen time. He should just wait for his own arc, but then again he wouldn't have been intimidating enough to show up as a shadow before he was introduced like me and Kunzite were."
"Hey," said Zoisite. "This should have been my arc!"
"Good thing it wasn't," said Kunzite.
Nephrite spawned a huge hill and mansion out of thin air.
"I can do that too," said Kunzite.
"Thanks," said Nephrite.
"Ah, so that's where he lived," said Beryl. "You'd think I'd know about something so obvious."
"Sadly," said Zoisite. "This arc's going to be a snore, except for the scenes I appear, so just bear through this five episode or so Nephrite-only stretch."
"The best stretch," argued Nephrite.
Maxfield Stanton was portrayed as a great man, from his initial no-handed leap over a fence.
"Even I can do that," said Zoisite.
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "But you can't beat this girl in tennis. She's a prodigy. Actually you probably could because tennis is a girly sport, and you have a girly figure."
"You have a stupid figure!" yelled Zoisite, getting mad. He considered fleeing the room but decided to stick it out because he didn't want to look like Jed.
The arc proceeded with some good Nephrite episodes.
"Man I look good in the spotlight," said Nephrite.
"Very good work you've done so far," said Beryl. "Except you haven't got any energy. But you're following the format from the Negaverse handbook very well."
"Well," said Nephrite. "The universe wasn't created in a day."
Coincidentally, he also said this on screen.
"Rrrrrrr!" said Beryl on screen and in real life.
"Oh boy!" said Nephrite as one of his favorite eps came on. "This is probably one of the best plans in all of season one. It easily beats all of Kunzite's, combined."
"No," said Zoisite. "You just got considerably lucky. There are many schools in Japan. It was random luck that you sent the letters to the right school."
"Nope," said Nephrite. "It's just my genius intuition. Taking Molly's love energy was one of the best energy snatches of the show. Molly single-handedly awoke Metalia with her vast reserves of energy."
"Hmm," said Beryl. "This is a very unorthodox plan. You didn't even have a Youma."
"I had a pseudo-Youma, Leo the Lion that I spawned forth myself," offered Nephrite.
"Yes," said Beryl. "But your plan does not follow the format, and this person wasn't even at the peak of her energy. You broke all laws, and yet!"
That's when Sailor Moon appeared.
"Wait, is that you in the Tuxedo Mask costume?" asked Kunzite.
"Yes," said Nephrite. "Weren't you paying attention?"
"I was," said Kunzite. "But I didn't think you'd do something so out-of-the-box."
"Zoisite dressed up as Sailor Moon," said Nephrite.
"At least I put on a wig," said Zoisite. "You just have your flowing locks falling out of your hat. How is dressing up as Tuxedo even helping your plot? If Sailor Moon showed up she'd recognize it wasn't him in an instant."
"Shut up," said Nephrite, as Sailor Moon showed up and recognized it wasn't him in an instant. "I don't know why I had to dress up as Tuxedo Mask," admitted Nephrite. "But it felt right, and it got me the best energy grab. A plan is only as good as its results, not the steps along the way."
"Words to live by," said Beryl. "If only Jadeite were here."
Nephrite summoned Leo the Lion in one of the coolest sequences yet.
"Not bad," Zoisite had to admit.
"Wow, your pseudo-Youma tanked the tiara, and yet you were spooked by it," said Kunzite.
"First of all," said Nephrite. "We went over this. And second of all, it's actually a reference to Leo the Lion's Greek story, where he cannot be harmed by weapons. That's why my Youma's not even shown being defeated. I could just sick this on Zoisite, and he'd be finished."
"You'd have to get me in a steel cage," said Zoisite.
"Not necessarily," said Nephrite. "You have to sleep at some point."
"Wrong," said Zoisite. "So wrong."
Leo chased the heroic duo into an elevator.
"I did it!" said Nephrite on screen when the elevator dropped. "Yatta!"
"Did you really think you ended them?" said Zoisite. "They could probably survive a drop of an elevator. You should have shot a fire attack at the elevator instead."
"Quiet," said Nephrite. "I didn't come there to fight Sailor Moon. But if I did shoot a fire attack at the elevator, Sailor Moon wouldn't be able to deflect it just by transforming. I heard that was your strongest attack, and you even charged it up with unlimited time."
"Hey," said Zoisite. "I didn't know Sailor Moon was there."
Nephrite shrugged. "Even Tuxedo could have probably tanked that one."
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Tuxedo doesn't have divine energy, so perhaps not."
At the end of the episode, Zoisite asked Beryl if Nephrite would be punished for not killing the Sailors.
"I love this line," said Beryl, as Beryl proceeded to tell Zoisite off.
"Heh heh heh," laughed Nephrite. "Dumb kid."
Nephrite smirked on screen, and Zoisite made a goofy face.
That's when they reached the infamous beach episode.
"What the hell is this?" said Zoisite. "I think you got some special or something mixed into the middle of the actual show. Does this even take place during the first season?"
"Actually," said Beryl. "This appears to be an actual episode. But that can't be right, because we don't appear once!"
"Please, can we toss it a skip?" said Zoisite. "Just so we can keep moving?"
"I don't know…" said Beryl. "It breaks all my rules…"
That's when the Sailors reached the house with the strange monsters.
"Alright," said Beryl. "I'll let it slide just this once."
Beryl skipped the episode.
"Good work," said Nephrite.
Next ep was none other than the animator girls ep.
"Are those girls gay?" asked Kunzite, as he watched the humans of the week who were given a lot of screen time.
"Probably," said Nephrite. "I don't dwell on my humans of the week."
Nephrite left the anime studio, and none other than Sailor Mercury was on his car.
"Woah!" said Zoisite. "I didn't know you killed Sailor Mercury here!"
"No," said Nephrite. "She wasn't worth my time, so I let her escape with her life."
"Foolish mistake," said Kunzite. "Your mercy is your downfall in the end."
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Not mercy. It's actually crueler to let such a weakling continue living."
This episode was followed by good old Princess D ep.
"Thinking back," said Zoisite. "This episode was kind of silly. Didn't we know about the Rainbow Crystals?"
"I did," said Kunzite. "But no one asked me. I think my first appearance is actually coming up soon!"
"Hmm," said Beryl. "I can't believe we forgot that the Silver Crystal was split. What a waste of time. You would think at one point I would wonder what happened to my Seven Great Youmas, and then remember they were sealed in the pieces of the Crystal."
"That's all non-canon anyway," said Nephrite. "Just for filler."
"Wrong," said Zoisite. "My arc was the most important!"
"No," said Nephrite. "Seven of them were filler."
"You're filler, young boy!" shouted Zoisite. "They could skip you, and go right from Jadeite to me, and it wouldn't make a difference since no new Sailors even join the crew!"
"No," said Nephrite. "At least I was competent enough to stop new Sailors from sprouting."
"Once again," said Zoisite. "Your luck perceives you."
The episode started with Nephrite stealing Zoisite's job.
"Good snatch," said Beryl.
"Like catching a football," said Neph.
"Shut up," said Zoisite. That's when Zoisite remembered what was shown next.
"Could we skip five minutes?" said Zoisite. "I-I didn't know I was being filmed here."
"Wait, keep rolling," said Nephrite. "I don't recall this scene."
The next scene, directly after Nephrite took Zoisite's job, was Zoisite crying on Kunzite's leg like a sad pup.
"There there," said Kunzite on screen. He was ominously shadowed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?!" laughed Nephrite. "Zoisite, I didn't know you were such a crybaby, young one! I'm sorry I hurt young Zoisite's feelings so much, but sadly you shouldn't go picking fights if you can't handle it emotionally!"
"That one I didn't pick!" cried Zoisite. "WAaaAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Don't cry now," said Nephrite. "I didn't know my words stung you so greatly. I'll have to try to tone it down, and just remember you're a spoiled child who picks fights they can't win."
"I KILL YOU!" screamed Zoisite getting flustered.
"Barely," scoffed Nephrite. "Your luck perceives you."
"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "End Nephrite now."
"Mmmm," said Kunzite. "There there. You don't need to cry."
Zoisite started to cry.
"Do you need a moment?" asked Beryl, pausing the TV with Zoisite still on tears on screen.
"Just keep going," said Zoisite, wiping his eyes.
"Alright," said Beryl. "Just checking on you."
They got to Nephrite dancing with Molly.
"I hate these Molly filler scenes," said Kunzite. "Look at Nephrite just slacking off."
"Hey," said Nephrite. "I didn't just sit around all day while people cried on me."
"Watch it," said Kunz. "Or I will end you one day. Maybe. We'll see what happens."
The episode ended after some dramatic scenes.
"Shoot!" said Nephrite on screen, leaping away after blocking Mars's attack with just his arm.
"Nice shadow," said Beryl.
"See," said Nephrite. "I said 'Shoot' there. If I say the same thing later, that shows I'm not being serious at all about the fight."
"Whatever," said Zoisite. "I'm just counting down eps until mine."
Next ep was the dramatic beginning of Nephrite's two-part end.
"I wish I got a two-part end," said Kunzite. "I just kind of dropped there."
The first notable scene was Beryl raging at Nephrite but unable to do anything.
"Nephrite's going to pay!" said Beryl on screen.
"Queen Beryl's angry!" said a couple background Youmas.
"Wow," said Nephrite. "I didn't know you were that mad. I just forgot to check in a couple days."
"Be quiet," said Beryl.
"But still, what an empty threat," chuckled Nephrite. "If we were to face off, you wouldn't last very long, even with your ball equipped. You got defeated by a heavily injured Tuxedo Mask in one blow."
"No," said Beryl. "He put all his divine energy into his rose, making it a lot more powerful of an attack. You're familiar with the Dragon Ball Z franchise, yes Nephrite?"
"I've watched a couple episodes," lied Nephrite.
"Ah," said Beryl. "Then surely you're familiar with Tien's fight against Second Form Cell. You see, Tien put all his life force into one great attack, the Ki Ko Ho, and it was able to push Second Form Cell back, despite the 15 billion power level gap."
"Firstly," said Nephrite. "The attack didn't faze Second Form Cell, it merely pushed him back. And that was because Tien Shinhan used his full life force. Tuxedo may have used his full life force, but your powers were obviously very close if he was able to drop you, in one hit nonetheless. The lowest power gap could have been a measly half, but you have to remember Tuxedo Mask was severely injured there, so he was much lower than he would have been."
"Shut up," said Beryl. "He still had the Nega-energy I gave him."
"Actually no," said Nephrite. "The light after Sailor Moon healed him signified it leaving him."
"Whatever," said Beryl. "That was just a sloppy ending. I consider the last episode of Sailor Moon non-canon. They just rushed it because they had to start Season 2."
"Yeah, okay," said Nephrite.
"Let's not discuss this again when we get to the ep, alright?" said Beryl. "We're viewing all this for pleasure. If I wanted a debate, I'd go on ComicVine, so then it could be a much more fair debate."
"These Nephrite and Molly scenes are really long," interrupted Kunzite. "This is the majority of the episode. Just Nephrite and Molly."
That's when Zoisite appeared at Nephrite's house.
"Ah," said Nephrite. "Kunzite must have sent you."
"Yes," said Kunzite in real life. "I had to make sure you weren't pulling any funny business, but unfortunately I don't have the time to deal with weaklings myself, so I sent in my messenger Zoisite."
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Bad choice. Let's see if he's able to keep composure."
"Shut up!" said Zoisite.
"Finding the Silver Crystal is my job!" cried Zoisite on screen, teleporting away in petals.
"Mm," said Nephrite. "I guess Zoisite is very moody, picking fights but fleeing the moment things turn on him."
That's when the scene switched to Zoisite crying again.
"No way," said Nephrite. "This must be some kind of gag!"
"Yeah, to the writers," said Zoisite. "They shouldn't have filmed me during these intimate moments."
"I am so upset," sobbed Zoisite on screen.
"It's okay," said Kunzite. "They make you look pretty cool in the next episode."
"D'aww, thanks," said Zoisite.
That's when Zoisite summoned Yasha.
"Wow," said Nephrite. "So you really did find that Youma just crawling under the rocks."
"It was the best I could find that would be stupid enough to attack you on such short notice, with no plan or preparation," said Zoisite.
"But I thought the plan was to see if I had the crystal?" asked Nephrite. "Why did it attack me?"
Zoisite shrugged. "We found it under the rocks. What do you expect?"
Soon, Maxfield Stanton began dueling Sailor Moon, and couldn't manage to land a killing blow.
"Wow," said Zoisite. "You're having a harder time than Jed against Sailor Moon."
"No," said Nephrite. "I was simply toying with her. You'll see next episode when I get serious."
That's when the Sailors performed a combined maneuver, and Nephrite found himself on the ground.
"Look at this action," said Nephrite. "Great animation."
"Nephrite-sama," said Molly.
"Huh?" said Nephrite in his inner thoughts. "Molly's still here?"
That's when Sailor Moon threw her tiara.
"Shoot!" said Nephrite.
"Alright," said Zoisite. "Pause it, Beryl."
"What do you want?" said Nephrite. "We've been over this."
"I know," said Zoisite. "But look at the look on Nephrite's face. That's a look of pure terror, I tell you! He's on the ground, and pretty much accepting his demise!"
"Wrong," said Nephrite. "There was more than enough time to escape. You can see when I easily fade away while walking that I'm not injured or slowed down in any way, so if a human was able to walk in front of me I clearly had enough time to jump out of the way. I didn't even bother ripping off my Stanton uniform for this fight as I did with my Tuxedo uniform. In fact," said Nephrite. "It's shown that my power's suppressed in this form, as I passed by Mamoru Chiba and Mars and they didn't feel my negative energy. Beryl, push play."
"Tuxedo sensed your energy!" said Zoisite. "He turned around when he passed you!"
"Not really," said Nephrite. "He sensed a strange aura, but barely. If I was suppressed a little less, he would have thrown an attack. In fact I even turned around and sensed him in his base form, and you know that's a suppressed power level of less than 10. It was something not about energy, or else Mars who's the best at sensing would have detected me."
"Actually," said Zoisite. "The cats appear to be the best at sensing negative energy, knowing whenever there was an evil plan going around such as Jadeite's."
"Even then Luna wasn't sure," said Nephrite. "She was in the gym and she was on the boat. And she thought Ami was a Youma."
"She also thought Princess D was the Moon Princess," added Kunzite. "And she had a power level of zero."
"Alright, I don't care anymore," said Beryl. "Let's just keep going. It's clear Nephrite was just distracted by Molly here."
"But Beryl!" said Zoisite. "That can't be!"
Queen Beryl pressed play, and silenced him.
Zoisite crossed his arms, and puffed his cheeks. "Whatever," he said.
Nephrite walked away unscathed at the end of the episode, and the episode ended shortly after.
"It's still debatable," said Zoisite. "In my head-canon, you were on your deathbed."
"Just wait," said Nephrite. "You'll see me at my true power. Actually, not even."
It was the next episode, 24.
Nephrite was mad suddenly, but concealed it.
The episode started with Nephrite seeing scenes of Molly in his head.
"I don't get it," said Kunzite. "Does he like that human girl or something?"
"Shut up," said Nephrite.
That's when he appeared in Molly's bedroom with the Dark Crystal.
"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "Is something intimate going to happen, or is this just going to be a long Nephrite in Molly's bedroom scene?"
"I wish this got a little ecchi, but I'm here on a more serious note," explained Nephrite.
Nephrite scanned Molly with his black crystal.
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I never thought about it, but I guess you did create the black crystal we used."
"Yeah, bozo," said Nephrite. "They showed me creating it last episode."
"Whatever," said Kunzite. "I always thought Zoisite created it, or maybe Beryl, since they both create big crystals."
"Different kind of crystal," said Zoisite. "Not the magical kind."
Nephrite finished scanning Molly and concluded the Silver Crystal was not inside of Molly.
"Why was it going off if the Silver Crystal's nowhere near her, and in fact was not in existence at that time?" asked Kunzite.
"Who knows," said Nephrite. "That's always been a mystery. I didn't design it to detect love energy."
That's when the screen switched over to Zoisite standing on a building and looking at Molly's house.
"You rat kid!" said Nephrite.
Zoisite was flanked by three plant girls.
"Nephrite is a superb soldier," explained Zoisite.
"Understatement," smirked Nephrite.
"Wrong," lied Zoisite. "Overstatement."
"Did you find those Youmas under a rock too?" asked Nephrite.
"No, they were just stupid ones that thought numbers mattered in a fight against a way stronger opponent," said Zoisite. "They obviously didn't watch the Goku vs Raditz fight."
"Heh, that was a good one," said Nephrite.
"We need a strategy," said Zoisite on screen.
"Wait," said Nephrite. "But you had no strategy."
"Yeah we did," said Zoisite. "We used that human girl as bait!"
"Then what?" said Nephrite. "Your plant scrubs just attacked me and got defeated. I thought the whole thing you were trying to tell them is that they had to be careful."
"It worked in the end," said Zoisite.
"By luck," said Nephrite. "You just happened to catch me distracted, young one."
"No," said Zoisite. "I had everything calculated, even you defeating the plant Youmas and letting them live to not show Molly any brutal sights."
"Yeah, okay," said Nephrite. "Of course you did."
"It's possible," said Zoisite. "Even though it wasn't true. Speaking of luck," he continued. "Now here's some big luck."
Molly called up Sailor Moon, while Nephrite lurked in the shadows.
"Mmm, Usagi," said Nephrite.
"See," said Zoisite. "Pause this again."
Beryl sighed and paused it. "You only get one more pause, kiddo."
"Oh, then do I get three?" said Nephrite. "Can I use all three for a long pause on Zoisite's death? No, I know!" said Nephrite. "I'll use one for when Zoisite's smoking on the floor, and then maybe one or two on Super Beryl's defeat."
"Quiet!" said Beryl. "Or you get no pauses!"
"Alright," said Zoisite, clearing his throat. "This is a very lucky situation," he said. "Nephrite somehow concluded that Usagi could have been Sailor Moon, because Sailor Moon always shows up to save Molly and in fact stopped a tiara for her somehow."
"Also that one time when I was in my Tuxedo disguise, and Sailor Moon came running in yelling, 'Let go of Naru-chan!'" added Nephrite.
"Anyway," said Zoisite. "Sailor Moon saves a lot of people. She only saved Molly like three times."
"Three times within the course of two episodes," scoffed Nephrite. "She doesn't know everyone by name, and isn't on first name/-chan basis with them."
"Well," said Zoisite. "You know Sailor Moon went to a school, so she probably knows the name of all her classmates. It's too much to conclude that the first person Molly calls would be Sailor Moon."
"She was the only one of Molly's friends that I knew," said Nephrite. "Not that much of a longshot."
"It kind of was," said Kunzite. "Considerably lucky, considering that looking back, Molly didn't know who Sailor Moon was, and if she did, on the phone, she would have said 'Nephrite's looking for YOU!'"
"It's about the results," said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl, I had Sailor Moon's identity but Zoisite ruined it."
"Yes," said Beryl. "Kunzite's whole arc was finding who Sailor Moon was."
"But Nephrite probably wouldn't have given it to us anyway," argued Zoisite.
"Anyway," said Beryl. "I never gave Zoisite permission to kill you, Nephrite, so I'm a little peeved."
"You should be more peeved," said Nephrite. "And you should also be peeved about someone killing Jadeite after he found the Sailors' identities. Who killed Jadeite again?"
"Shut up," said Beryl. "I thought he might have been bluffing."
"Well," said Nephrite. "Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to kill people. Except Zoisite. You should have killed him sooner."
"Well," said Beryl. "When a crippled Shitennou arrives on my doorstep after disobedience and/or incompetence, I take the opportunity. I'd be stupid not to, given my power level."
"If you want to talk about stupid," said Nephrite. "Let's go over the revived Mamoru arc, and the 'put him on my side because I love him' arc."
"That was a good arc," said Beryl. "If you were crippled I'd give you an eternal sleep right now!"
Nephrite covered his loud chuckle with a cough.
"Anyway," said Beryl, turning back to Zoisite. "Did you have a point?"
"Yes," said Zoisite. "Nephrite was very lucky here, and he took a longshot and fortunately for him it was a good one. But it wouldn't happen twice. He's just a good gambler, more like a lucky one."
"Alright, thanks for the comment," said Beryl. She pressed play.
"Now observe," said Nephrite. "This is me at 50% power."
Nephrite clocked Sailor Moon a good one.
"What?" said Zoisite. "All I see is you failing to kill Sailor Moon."
"Hmm," said Kuznite. "It seems that her power level surpasses Nephrite."
"Well," said Nephrite. "She AND her goon Tuxedo are completely helpless here. If this fight were to have gone on uninterrupted, they would have met their demise. You can blame Zoisite for that one too, Beryl."
"No," said Beryl. "Zoisite clearly saved Tuxedo Mask's life right there, because he was a goner. I mean the guy lost to Jadeite! Thanks Zoisite."
"No problem," said Zoisite sadly.
"Now THIS is a true beatdown," said Nephrite, as on screen he walked in and saw the flower girls with Molly captive. "This is in fact the best animated brawl in the entire show, all the way up to the fifth Witches 5 fight. But even that didn't have the same charisma."
"Ah, my flower girls," said Zoisite. "They were true champs, surely they'll give Nephrite a hard time!"
But sadly they didn't, and got beaten to oblivion.
"See?" said Nephrite.
"Whatever," said Zoisite. "They're measly Youmas."
"No," said Nephrite. "They're about even with the Sailor Scouts. So if I fought the Sailor Scouts evenly, holding back, I could have defeated them this easily if I fought them seriously. One punch to Sailor Mercury and she'd be down. I didn't even use any energy attacks here."
"Whatever," said Zoisite. "Obviously bias by the writers."
"Nope," said Nephrite. "The writers speak the truth."
"Mmm," said Kunzite. "Zoisite losing to crows is obviously bias. My Zoisite would never lose to crows!"
"Even standstill," muttered Zoisite.
Nephrite left holding Molly in his arms.
"Alright," said Nephrite. "I have to use the restroom. Drank too much soda, ya know?"
"Mmmm!" said Zoisite with a giddy expression. "Are you sure you don't want to stick around for five more minutes?"
"I gotta go now," said Nephrite. "My bladder betrays me!"
He ran off in a sprint.
"Shoot!" said Zoisite. "Come back! It's not fun without you here!"
They sat there quietly for the rest of the episode.
"Excellent strategy, Zoisite," said Kunzite after the episode ended.
"Thanks," said Zoisite.
Nephrite coincidentally returned.
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "You just missed a great scene, by mere seconds. Beryl, toss a rewind!"
"No," said Beryl. "That's like half an episode! We have to move along so we can get to your death eventually."
"Ah!" said Nephrite, sitting down. "The old Zoisite arc, which I probably like even more than my arc, since Zoisite's made a fool of from start to finish! Let's see how he does with my job that he fought so hard for."
"Hey," said Zoisite. "Different job. I didn't know Beryl would get around with awaking Metalia then, who would give me a new job. You would have done awful at getting all those crystals!"
"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Even if I didn't get them, I wouldn't have been a gag character."
On the first Zoisite episode, Zoisite got a powerful slug by base Makoto.
"L M A O!" said Nephrite, after Zoisite fled when the second human arrived. "What a smackdown!"
"Shut up, and stop it with the commentary!" said Zoisite. "I was clearly highly suppressed, and did not take her as a threat. I didn't think humans could have so much potential. And she wasn't even a human in the end, so there!"
"No," said Nephrite. "It's your fault for underestimating an opponent, something I'd never do."
"Actually," said Zoisite. "You underestimated the flower girls by letting them live, and underestimated me when I said I'd destroy you!"
"I didn't know you were trying to destroy me until Yasha," said Nephrite. "And honestly, I thought you'd give up after I defeated her easily. Or that she was just a confused rogue who had nothing to do with you."
The following Zoisite episode was the Boxy episode, and Nephrite started crying when Molly was mourning him.
"I hate that nerd," said Nephrite. "I'm gonna go kill him."
"Wait till after Zoisite dies," recommended Beryl. "You'll have plenty of time during the Kunzite arc, which is the worst one."
"Your fault," said Kunzite.
"Wow," said Kunzite, as the episode progressed and the orange crystal flew up like a rocket ship headed for outside the Solar System. "Why'd that thing fly up like that?!"
"This is what I had to deal with," said Zoisite. "Some kind of PIS (plot-induced stupidity.)"
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Why couldn't you see where the crystal landed after you started flying?"
"It was tiny," said Zoisite. "Miniature. And it somehow doesn't reflect the sun."
Tuxedo Mask snagged the crystal.
"Yikes," said Zoisite in real life. "I looked a little derpy here."
"Heh heh," said Beryl. "Look at your expression after he took it! That's like me on episode 12!"
"No," said Kunzite. "Zoisite looks slightly better."
"Thanks," said Zoisite.
"Well, I was talking about the animation in those specific scenes," said Kunzite. "Beryl is sure a looker."
"Hey!" said Zoisite.
Kunzite shrugged.
Next began the ol' Gregger episode.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Why'd you flee from Sailor Moon?"
"I didn't flee," said Zoisite. "I just didn't have time to fool around."
"Yeah right," chuckled Nephrite. "There was quite a bit of time that passed until you finally fled."
"I didn't flee," repeated Zoisite. "Right, Kunzite?"
"He didn't flee," said Kunzite.
"It looks like he fled," said Beryl.
"Why would he flee?" continued Nephrite. "I easily defeated Sailor Moon twice."
"Wrong," said Zoisite getting heated. "You didn't even land a scratch."
"Hey, if you want to see someone not land a scratch," said Beryl. "You should watch when Zoisite fights the Moon Princess in a 1v1."
"Woah, when does this happen?!" said Nephrite, getting giddy.
Zoisite sighed sadly. "My arc is just a downward spiral of misery, ending with my demise."
The boring episode continued.
"Hmm," continued Nephrite. "Even Jadeite wasn't scared of fighting Sailor Moon."
"She was new to the game then," said Zoisite. "I could have easily taken Sailor Moon, at any time, but time wasted is a waste of time!"
"Hmm," Nephrite went on. "I don't think Zoisite's had a single good scene this arc."
"Shut up and watch!" yelled Zoisite. "I was successful most of the time!"
"Your success rate is one so far," said Beryl. "I think you lose a crystal to the Sailors this episode."
"Actually," said Kunzite. "Zoisite got all seven in the end, so I don't see why that matters."
"Yes," said Beryl. "But then you lost all seven in the end, because you were too dazed to stop them from forming the Silver Crystal."
"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I forgot that I could put up bubbles at the moment. I was too distracted by my big plans."
"What big plans?" demanded Beryl. "Slippery guy."
"Why is Sailor Mercury just standing there when Zoisite takes the crystal?" asked Nephrite.
"Who knows?" said Zoisite. "Now there's a Sailor I can beat!"
That's when the unexpected happened, throwing even Nephrite off-guard who thought he had seen everything. Bunbo used tackle on Zoisite, and Zoisite threw the crystal into Ami's hands.
Nephrite started chuckling, but it quickly turned into a loud guffaw.
"Aha!" laughed Nephrite. "AHAHAHAHAA!"
He kept it up for the entire episode, ruining the experience even for Beryl who hadn't seen it.
"That's enough," said Kunzite. "We all made our mistakes."
"Alright," said Nephrite, calming down.
The next episode was a snoozer, focusing highly on young Yumemi Yumeno.
Nephrite watched it half-heartedly, hoping Zoisite would do something foolish but for once he didn't.
Nephrite was in fact angry he didn't get in one good chuckle.
"Where are you taking that pretty monster?" asked Kunzite.
"Well," began Zoisite. "I was taking her to the Negaverse."
"Why didn't you just create a portal?" asked Nephrite. "Jadeite created like two."
"No one can hop through another man's portal," said Zoisite. "So I was taking her to the portal that the Sailors found at the end."
"I made a portal for Sailor Moon to walk into a pit full of sharks in the Ninjana episode," said Kunzite. "But that feisty Ninjano strangled her before she could leap in."
"Hey, sounds like a good plan anyway," said Zoisite. "Hey wait a minute, what'd you say about that Youma?!"
Kunzite got ready with a flower, but it was not needed.
"Good work almost killing Tuxedo," said Kunzite. "He was as good as dead there, thanks to your trickery!"
"Bad work," said Beryl. "How could you?!"
Next episode was the infamous Motoki episode, well-renowned for its Motoki vs. The Beam scene.
Once again Nephrite was struggling to find a chuckle, but finally got one when Kunzite commented on a Youma being pretty, and Zoisite getting flustered.
"Gay drama," said Nephrite. "Zoisite is insecure."
"No," said Zoisite.
"Here comes a good fight scene," said Kunzite, who had this scene saved on his desktop.
Everyone watched as Motoki got swept away after trying to throw a punch by the Great Beam itself.
"Good fight," admitted Nephrite. "Your beam really taught that young man a lesson about going wild and throwing punches."
"And I thought Motoki was a nice guy," said Beryl. "But clearly he's just a wild man."
Nephrite got in a good and loud snicker when Zoisite got hit in the hand and dropped the crystal.
"Hey," said Zoisite. "Are you a Tuxedo Mask fanboy?"
"I have no personal beef," said Nephrite. "I only met him like twice, and I think both times I really gave him the what-for."
"Ah, nice fake out!" said Kunzite at the end. "Another crystal for the Negaverse!"
"What's the tally?" asked Nephrite to Beryl.
"Count yourself, kid," said Beryl.
"Heh," said Nephrite. "I hope after all this work the Silver Crystal isn't formed by the enemy."
"Can it," said Kunzite. "Young one."
The following episode, Nephrite got several laughs.
The first was when Zoisite was pushed back by old Grandpa.
"Woah!" commentated Nephrite. "What a mighty old man! Zoisite's met his match!"
"Wrong," said Zoisite. "I will be back."
Then Nephrite laughed when Zoisite had to flee to crows.
"Woah!" repeated Nephrite. "Who knew they'd call in the army?! Zoisite couldn't have seen that one coming!"
Nephrite waited eagerly for their second encounter, but was disappointed to see that the crows were MIA that fight.
"See?" said Zoisite. "I was just toying with him. He used all his divine energy and I only had to use one hand casually to overwhelm him."
"Mmm," said Nephrite. "You had to use a petal attack against the old-timer, way more work than you should have had to put in."
"Is my whole arc just going to be everyone calling me weak?" demanded Zoisite.
"Well," said Beryl, stifling a laugh. "You did get beat by crows. Even I can beat crows."
"Those weren't your average crows," said Zoisite. "They're actually Sailor Scouts in the manga!"
"Manga Shmanga," said Beryl. "The manga is non-canon."
"Kunzite, help me," said Zoisite.
"The manga is non-canon," commented Kunzite.
Zoisite sighed. "Bonehead," he said.
"Egghead," replied Nephrite warm-heartedly.
Nephrite stated laughing again when Tuxedo Mask showed his face.
"INTERCEPTION at the five yard line!" he yelled.
"Shut up," said Zoisite. "I still get away with the crystal, just like last time."
"Whatever," said Nephrite. "I know how this ends."
The next episode, Nephrite lost control again during the whole rats incident from start to finish.
"Hey!" said Zoisite. "It's obviously supposed to be comedic, as shown by the rats moving like a tidal wave!"
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "That's why I'm laughing. What are you getting so riled for, little one?"
"Don't call me that!" screamed Zoisite.
Nephrite finally finished laughing, but he started back up the engine when Tuxedo Mask appeared, and Zoisite was crippled on the ground while Tuxedo Mask took off running.
"Oooooh!" said Nephrite, wiping the tears. "After all that, Tuxedo Boy still pulled off a snatch?"
Nephrite started laughing again, and starting "Rofling," AKA rolling on the floor laughing.
"Alright," said Zoisite. "It's really not that funny."
"Heh," said Beryl. "Kind of funny. Too bad Jadeite missed this, he would have loved it. I will save this scene for him and show him some other time."
Nephrite continued laughing all the way into the Tuxedo Melvin episode.
"Now we know you're just doing it to be obnoxious," said Kunzite, when Nephrite started getting louder and louder.
"No," said Nephrite. "Hey, why's Melvin dressed as Tuxedo Mask? First he tries to steal my girl, and now he's trying to steal my costume!?"
"Actually," said Beryl. "It's Tuxedo Mask's costume, and you are not fit to wear it."
"I'm looking forward to episode 46," shrugged Nephrite.
"Aye!" said Beryl.
That's when Nephrite caught a great scene of Zoisite fleeing from Tuxedo Melvin.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite in pure ecstasy.
He dropped back to the floor.
"Alright," said Kunzite. "Just turn up the TV."
But Nephrite kept screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Mmm, too bad," said Zoisite. "You're missing that nerd get a big beatdown!"
"Ooh, really?" asked Nephrite, hopping back on the sofa. "Did I miss any funny Zoisite scenes?" he asked.
"Yes," said Beryl. "But it's too late now."
"Really?" said Nephrite. "What happened?"
"Actually, you missed quite a few," said Kunzite. "First there was Zoisite riding on a merry-go-round and missing Molly with his beam-"
"Wait," said Nephrite. "Why'd you attack Molly?"
"Are you not even watching the plot?" said Zoisite. "These are some good plans! I do in fact get the crystal!"
"And," said Beryl. "You missed Zoisite getting jealous over me because Kunzite wanted to see me smile!"
"OOOH!" said Nephrite. "Can we rewind it?!"
"Maybe after," said Beryl. "I do enjoy some compliments being thrown my way."
"Grrr," said Zoisite biting his thumb. "This isn't fair!"
That's when Tuxedo Mask hit Zoisite on the hand.
"Hehehe," said Nephrite.
The episode ended with a win for Zoisite.
"And that is a good place to take a break!" said Zoisite, knowing what episode was next.
He fled at a high sprint.
"Hey wait!" said Kunzite. "This is the one with our great plan! Why'd you leave?"
But Zoisite kept running.
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Why would he flee before this episode? It can't possibly be worse than the others."
But that's when a miscolored Sailor Moon appeared.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Who is that? Is that a new Sailor?"
There were a couple more scenes.
"Wait!" said Nephrite. "Wait, wait, wait! Is that-"
"Yes," said Kunzite. "I thought he looked good."
"Ahahahahaha," laughed Nephrite, a little more calm after seeing so many joke scenes. "Impersonating the good guys, stealing my plan once again!"
That's when Zoisite threw a crystal, trying to kill some humans on a pulley.
"Ah!" said Nephrite. "It is Zoisite! Wow!"
"And," said Beryl. "There's more funny scenes to come! I remember this vividly because I watched most of it through Zoisite's eyes."
Nephrite leaned in to the TV.
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "This was actually my most successful plan, and one of my coolest scenes."
"Hey dumbo," said Nephrite. "Look, the Sailors are transforming right there! Couldn't you feel their energy or something? Didn't you plan on them coming, so wouldn't you have been looking for them?"
"More PIS," said Kunzite. "This episode is one of the most PISy episodes in the show. The plan was flawless."
"Wow," said Beryl as the episode progressed. "How could my brilliant Mamo-chan fall for such a foolish trick? He shouldn't have been trying to save that pest Sailor Moon anyway!"
"Say," said Nephrite. "Kunzite, why are you keeping the Sailors alive for so long?"
"PIS," said Kunzite. "And also I'm cocky, and I wanted to savor the moment."
"Sad," said Nephrite.
The remaining Shitennou watched Zoisite and Tuxedo Mask duel.
"Wow," said Nephrite. "And Tuxedo is injured and can't use one arm. Jadeite defeated Tuxedo Mask at 100% power, the same exact form that fought Galaxia."
"Sad," said Beryl.
"But look at Zoisite's crystal light up," said Kunzite. "That's him releasing his divine energy into the crystal, the same kind of divine energy that Tuxedo Mask put in his rose that killed Beryl."
"Not killed!" said Beryl.
"See," said Nephrite. "This is what I don't understand. If we can control energy, why don't we just put it inside Metalia?"
"Not the same kind," said Beryl.
"There are different kinds?" asked Nephrite.
"Probably," said Beryl.
That's when Zoisite was hit in the hands with a Crescent Beam, and real blood was shown.
"Wow!" said Nephrite. "Every time you don't expect it, Zoisite gets a beating!"
"Well, you can't blame him for getting hit by an attack like that…" said Kunzite, knowing what was coming next.
"WOAH!" said Nephrite. "Kunzite too?! What is this, some kind of smackdown jamboree?"
"She caught me off guard," said Kunzite.
"Ah, do I believe my eyes?" asked Nephrite. "Zoisite's actually going to fight all the Sailors? Just when I thought he fled all battles. This is gonna be good!"
But that's when Beryl pulled Zoisite out of there.
"Hey!" said Nephrite. "Why'd you do that?"
"Because," said Beryl. "I couldn't let them die there. Then no one could carry out my plans, and I'd have to do everything myself."
"Sad," said Nephrite. "I would have told Zoisite to stay and Kunzite to leave."
"I should have, knowing the events that transpire after," said Beryl.
It was the next episode, and Zoisite peaked his head in to see himself in Mamoru's TV on the TV.
Zoisite closed the door and left, waiting in the hall for when he could come back.
"Is Zoisite really going to duel Tuxedo?" asked Nephrite.
"He better not," said Beryl.
"I agree," said Nephrite. "Even though Tuxedo is injured, he could probably pull a win, judging by how their last fight went."
"No," argued Kunzite. "Divine energy."
It was finally time for the duel, and Zoisite pulled in Sailor Moon along with Mamoru Chiba.
"Why did Zoisite pull in Sailor Moon?" asked Nephrite.
"We did not know it was Sailor Moon," said Kunzite.
"Yeah, but how do you not know after?" said Nephrite. "Why was no one looking in the elevator? Why didn't you realize the girl left, and Sailor Moon appeared?"
"Look," said Kunzite. "You had your chance, now this was ours."
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "I figured out her identity. If I had as many chances as you, I would have surely figured it out!"
"We figured out Tuxedo Mask's identity," said Kunzite.
"Yeah but no one cares about him," scoffed Nephrite.
"WRONG!" said Beryl. "SO WRONG YOU ARE!"
Kunzite appeared at the duel.
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Where's the fair fight? Zoisite = coward!"
Kunzite grabbed the crystals, and base Tuxedo Mask threw a rose, missing Kunzite but hitting Zoisite.
"HAahahah!" laughed Nephrite. "Right in the face! Ouch!"
"Come on now," said Kunzite. "I thought you got all your laughs out?"
"No," said Nephrite. "See, this is what I'm talking about. They just had Zoisite get hit for absolutely no reason, right after a success where Kunzite grabbed the crystals. The writers hate Zoisite, and with good reasons."
"No," said Kunzite.
That's when Zoisite starting revving up a fire attack, that was to be deflected by Sailor Moon.
"Oh boy, oh no," said Beryl. "I hate the part that's coming up. I don't know if I'll be able to watch it."
"Ha!" laughed Zoisite on screen. "I'll tell Beryl it was an accident!"
"I was watching when he said this," commentated Beryl. "It riled me up. But I'm about to get more riled."
That's when Zoisite killed Tuxedo Mask.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Beryl, throwing herself down in front of the TV.
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Excellent form, Zoisite," he commented. "If only Tuxedo didn't happen to be Beryl's ex-boyfriend, we would have had it all."
Beryl was sobbing. "That bastard!"
It was the next episode, and it started off with Zoisite getting the worst beating of his life.
"OOH! OOH!" cried Beryl. "Nephrite, watch this! This is where he duels the Moon Princess!"
"Hot diggity dog!" said Nephrite, getting on the edge of his seat. "I wonder how this could possibly play out!"
Zoisite was defeated soundly, and Nephrite and Beryl let out a chuckle.
"I hate Zoisite," said Beryl.
"I agree," said Nephrite. "Hey," he then said. "Let's go over how Kunzite let the crystals get away."
"No thanks," said Kunzite. "I was distracted. That's all."
"Distracted with what?" asked Nephrite.
"Hold on," said Beryl. "Another good scene's coming up!"
Kunzite stood up to leave.
"Not a chance," said Beryl, shaking her head.
Kunzite sat back down, and crossed his arms.
Zoisite was ended by Beryl, and Kunzite's face mirrored his face on-screen.
Nephrite had a goofy smirk, like that time Molly went to grab him the Silver Crystal.
"Go clean that up," said Beryl on screen.
"Oooh, burn!" said Nephrite.
Kunzite's face was very sad.
"Why didn't you attack Beryl?" asked Nephrite. "Then my two least favorite characters would have died in one ep!"
"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I was too taken aback."
Beryl had a chit-chat with Metalia, and then it was Zoisite's death scene.
"This is a sad one," warned Kunzite.
"I asked Queen Beryl to revive you," said Kunzite on screen.
"Haha," said Nephrite. "Good attempt."
"I said no, and with a laugh," said Beryl.
It was a sad scene, but Kunzite couldn't find himself to cry.
"I am sad," he stated. "I'm just not very good at expressing human emotions."
"Kunzite is a robot," said Nephrite.
"Wrong," said Kunzite.
"Hahahahahah, RIP Zoisite," said Beryl. "That's what he gets!"
"3/10," Nephrite rated the death scene.
"This was supposed to be fun," said Kunzite. "Sadly all the good people left and now it's just Nephrite and Beryl being salty. And I still have a whole arc to go!"
Kunzite battled the Sailors, and it was a huge curbstomp.
"Good fight," said Nephrite. "Too bad you never avenged Zoisite."
"Shut up!" said Kunzite, starting to get heated for the first time in his life. "The only thing worse would be if Endymion was watching."
"I wish he was," said Beryl sadly. "I invited him."
At the end of the episode, Zoisite quietly slipped in the room.
"What'd I miss?" he asked.
"You know what you missed," said Beryl.
Zoisite hung his head.
"Ah, it's Kunzite's arc!" said Zoisite. "This one is a good one for sure!"
"Wrong," said Nephrite, and unfortunately Kunzite was at success's doorstep the whole arc, but couldn't ring the doorbell.
"That pest Endymion!" yelled Zoisite. "Beryl, don't you see him sabotaging!?"
"Sorry," said Beryl. "Love is blind."
Endymion taught Sailor Moon how to ice-skate.
"Poor Kunzite," said Zoisite sadly.
"Hey, are you trying to freeze my boy here?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Kunzite, even though he on screen said something along the lines of turning everyone into ice pops.
"Hmm," said Beryl. "I'll let your attempt at Endy's life slide because I cannot defeat you. But if I see another one of those!"
It was the swamp face episode.
"Skip?" asked Nephrite.
"Sorry," said Beryl. "I have to keep a close eye on Kunzite, and make sure he does not try to sabotage Endymion!"
Beryl watched Mamoru Chiba (base) fight swamp face.
"Hang in there!" she said.
That's when Kunzite appeared and laughed at him, and then fled.
"Hey!" said Beryl. "Why aren't you helping him fight his own monster?! He's in his base form, he could have died!"
"Sorry," said Kunzite.
"Don't apologize!" said Zoisite angrily.
"Well I was more sarcastic than anything," said Kunzite.
"Want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.
"No," humored Kunzite, knowing she couldn't lay a scratch on him.
"Good," said Beryl.
Soon came the ep where Endymion fiddled around with the Black Crystal.
"Wow," said Nephrite. "Why are you even still hanging onto that? I whipped that up in like a minute, it was only a fraction of my power."
"It was true craftsmanship," admitted Beryl. "Without it we would have been finished."
"Thanks," said Nephrite.
"You're healing Endymion again?!" demanded Zoisite, a bit later.
"Hey!" said Nephrite. "Is that where all my energy went? Is that why you were so weak at the final fight that you could only throw a crystal?"
"Shut up," said Beryl. "It was a good use."
"What would you do if they kept healing Endymion?" asked Kunzite.
"Fortunately, the second brainwash was the best brainwash, and Sailor Moon's Silver Crystal did not work!"
"Then how'd he get healed?" asked Zoisite.
"PIS," said Beryl angrily. "I had that one in the bag with all that gym and Molly energy I gave that boy."
It was nearing the end, and it was none other than the Ninjano episode.
"Say," said Zoisite. "You think Ninjano could beat Jed?"
"Sadly, no," said Beryl. "Her feats just aren't good enough. Only two Sailor Scouts fought her, and all four of her clones were defeated by Mars' fire."
"Yes," said Kunzite. "They wasted two of their attacks on me. Wasteful."
"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "If Ninjano was watching the Sailors fight, and they couldn't detect her, why didn't she follow one of the Sailors home?"
"Youmas are not the brightest," said Kunzite. "Remember the princess school one? They had it narrowed down to three people, she could have just told me who they were before she got confused and then dropped!"
It was episode 44.
"What happens in this one?" asked Zoisite.
"Shut up," said Kunzite.
Halfway through the flashback, Jadeite strolled in.
"WELCOME BACK!" said Nephrite angrily. "And where have you been?"
"Ah," said Jadeite. "I fell asleep on the toilet," he lied.
"No," said Zoisite. "I checked by the bathroom while I was uh… taking a break… and I heard you playing Angry Birds!"
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "Snitchboy."
Jadeite sat back down. "What episode is this?" he said.
"44," said Nephrite.
"Oooh!" said Jadeite." I think I make an appearance in this one!"
"Yeah," said Zoisite. "In the far background."
"Only slightly behind you," said Jadeite. "And as I said earlier, that was improperly shown since it was an alternate dimension."
"Heh, look at my scythe," said Nephrite when the aforementioned scene came on. "So cool."
"Hey, what's Beryl doing?" said Zoisite. "Wasn't she supposed to take out Queen Serenity?"
"Ah!" said Jadeite. "That's where Beryl was! All she seems to be doing is shooting a disco light to make us look cooler! Thanks Beryl!"
"No," said Beryl. "I was destroying the Moon Kingdom walls!"
That's when Beryl took this time to confess her love to Endymion, but was promptly rejected, and in fact Endymion actually roasted her.
"Oooh!" said Zoisite. "I think I hate him less than Beryl now! Slam dunk!"
"Shut up," said Beryl. "As Jadeite said. This was just an alternate dimension or whatever. It never actually happened."
"I'm not quite sure how PU's (parallel universes) work," said Kunzite. "I was just speaking nonsense to spook them into handing over the Silver Crystal."
Soon after, Metalia was killed in one blow despite being in 100% by Queen Serenity.
The Shitennou were torn to shreds, and Beryl was disintegrated while yelling "Metalia-sama! Metalia-sama!" and then burning out like a broken cassette.
"Nice," said Zoisite. "Like a broken record."
"Hmm," said Jadeite. "If the Silver Crystal defeated Metalia that easily, how did we expect to win once they had the Silver Crystal?"
"Well," said Beryl. "We hoped the princess wouldn't know how to use it, but sadly she knew how to use it just enough."
"D'ah," said Jeddo.
The Sailor Scouts returned to see Kunzite beating up their cats.
"Nice," said Jed. "Hey, when did they get a white cat?"
"Many episodes ago," said Nephrite. "Absent boy."
"Hey!" screamed Beryl. "What is this?!"
She paused the show.
"What?" said Kunzite.
On screen, the subtitle read, "Hand over the Silver Crystal and I'll gladly give you Tuxedo Mask back!"
"What is this?!" repeated Beryl.
"Umm…" said Kunzite. "It was totally just a fakeout! I was gonna take the crystal and teleport away!"
"No," said Beryl. "Sounds like you were tryna do some sneaky under-the-table trade, that I didn't agree to!"
"Well," said Kunzite. "If it actually worked, wouldn't it be better to have the Silver Crystal than that saboteur Endymion?"
"No," said Beryl.
"I think Beryl has a crush on this Endymion guy or something. What ever became of that guy I defeated, Tuxedo Mask?" asked Jed.
"No one tell him," said Nephrite. "He shouldn't have taken off."
"Sorry," said Beryl. "I'm not pressing play until Kunzite explains this."
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Worst case scenario we'd give Endymion over, and once Metalia takes over the world, we get Endymion back."
"No," said Beryl. "Metalia's going to destroy the world, and we're included! She's just a manipulative pest, and I knew she was playing me like a puppet but I wanted to spend my last moments with Endymion finally professing his love."
"Sad," chuckled Zoisite.
Beryl took out her ball but then put it back.
"Too many strong fighters in here," she decided.
Beryl pressed play.
"Nice boomerangs," said Nephrite. "I can probably do that too."
"Heh," said Kunzite.
Kunzite got defeated.
Zoisite burst into tears. "NOOOOOOOOO! KUNZITE!"
"Heh," said Nephrite. "Defeated by your own gimmick, just like Jed."
"Yes," admitted Kunzite. "PIS. Whenever a good fighter decides to use a gimmick instead of blitzing the inferior fighters, you know it will be their downfall."
It was the last two episodes, and Beryl was steamed knowing the spotlight of failure would finally be on her.
"It's okay," said Jadeite. "At least you get to watch the Sailors die."
The Shitennou watched the Sailors die in good spirits.
"Good riddance," said Zoisite. "But even better riddance is gonna happen next episode!"
"Yeah!" said Beryl, from her optimism, thinking for a second that she was going to win. "Oh," said Beryl. "Hey, shut up."
And thus, it was the final episode, and Beryl decided it would be best to just put her head in her knees.
"LOL!" said Zoisite. "She got hit by a single Endymion rose and completely dropped!"
"HAhahahah," said Nephrite.
"Heh," said Jadeite.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "There was divine energy. It was no ordinary rose."
"Whatever," said Zoisite. "She still dropped."
Beryl fused with Metalia, and she began the final battle with Sailor Moon.
It looked like Super Beryl actually had the upper-hand, until the Sailor Moon theme started playing.
"This can't be good," said Jadeite. "They wouldn't play the theme just to have Sailor Moon lose."
"In a good show they would," said Beryl. "It would have been a crazy plot twist."
The Sailors' ghosts came back to help.
"Yikes," said Zoisite.
"Hmm," thought Nephrite out loud. "Why would Metalia do something stupid like fuse with a weak being like Beryl? Sailor Moon would have never found her, because I don't even think she knew about Metalia. Then Metalia could just wait another 1000 years and bring us back like the first time."
"Metalia was impatient," said Beryl. "So was I. I waited so LOOOONG for that, and put all my eggs in one basket with no back-up plan."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Super Beryl as she lost the beam struggle.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl. "NOOOOOO!"
The credits started to play, as they showed scenes similar to the first episode.
"Good show," said Jadeite.
"SHUT UP!" said Beryl. "You weren't even here for all of it!"
"Yeah," said Jadeite. "I had a long bathroom break."
"Well," said Nephrite. "It was nice to see the parts I wasn't there for."
"Ha," said Zoisite. "Because you were dead."
"Watch it," said Nephrite. "I could just bring up any of your scenes and make you look like a fool."
"Grrrr," said Zoisite. "I wish we didn't watch this. But it was nice to see Beryl get her kerfluffins!"
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "What a waste of 17 hours."
Kunzite left.
Zoisite left.
Nephrite chuckled some more but then eventually left.
Jed left.
Beryl stayed there and wept.
FIN
The Master Plan
"Zoisite," began Beryl, mid-way through the Rainbow Crystal arc. "You've lost two crystals to the Sailors/Tuxedo."
"Queen Beryl-sama," said Zoisite. "I can explain."
"No need," said Beryl. "These Sailors have become too big of a nuisance. I want you to exterminate them."
"Me?" asked Zoisite, looking behind him.
"Yes, you," said Queen Beryl. "Might I remind you that useless minions can be tossed aside?"
"Hey," said Zoisite. "Don't go all Jadeite on me. I got one crystal, which is easily equivalent to how much energy Jed got!"
"How dare you talk back to me!" yelled Beryl.
Zoisite shook in his place. "Sorry, Queen Beryl-sama," was all he could muster.
He tossed a bow, and quickly fled with his life.
He panted for air outside the throne room doors.
"Yikes, how did this happen to me so fast?" he wondered. "Getting Nephrite's job was a mistake. I should have just let the guy keep it."
Zoisite teleported to Kunzite-sama to ask him for advice.
"Kunzite-sama!" said Zoisite.
"Ah, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "What's wrong?"
"It's Queen Beryl-sama," explained Zoisite. "She wants me to kill the Sailor Scouts. I need your help."
"Sorry," said Kunzite. "She will know if I kill them for you. Queen Beryl sees all. You need to do this on your own."
"Grrrrr," said Zoisite, biting his thumb. "But Kunzite-sama! You know my power level!"
"You must use strategy," recommended Kunzite. "It's your strong suit."
"That is true…" said Zoisite.
Kunzite tossed him a pat on the head like one would give to a youngling.
Zoisite had a goofy expression, as typical for all Zoisite/Kunzite scenes.
"I'll try my best for you, Kunzite-sama," promised Zoisite.
"Good boy," said Kunzite.
Zoisite teleported away with a new goofy-faced determination.
"How will I go about this?" he pondered, pacing around Nephrite's soda machine which was sadly deserted after the incident.
Finally he got a plan.
000000
Sailor Moon got a notification on her communicator.
"Big trouble," it said.
"Alright guys," she said at the temple gathering. "There's a Youma raiding the streets of Tokyo. Let's go give it the what-for!"
Sailor Moon and the Sailor Senshi arrived on the scene.
"Hey big boy," said Rei. "Ready to eat my fiery dust?"
Sailor Moon got in her battle stance, but that's when the red circles in her buns started lightning up.
"Oh no," said Sailor Moon. "It's another distress signal."
"Two Youma attacks at once?!" said Rei. "Me and Mercury will handle this beast here. You and Jupiter have to go take out this other creature."
"Alright," said Usagi. "We'll be back as soon as we can, so hold out!"
Sailor Moon and Jupiter took off.
"I hope we can handle this," said Mercury, turning on her scouter.
Mars threw fire, stunning the simple beast.
000000
Sailor Moon and Sailor Jupiter ran down the street, and arrived to see a Youma wreaking havoc in a highly crowded area.
"Let's make this quick," said Sailor Moon.
"Right!" said Jupiter.
Jupiter shot lightning, but the beast tanked it.
Sailor Moon readied her tiara, but that's when she heard another distress signal.
"Uh oh!" she said.
"Three Youmas at once?!" said Jupiter. "That's unheard of!"
"What should I do?" said Sailor Moon.
"Don't worry," said Jupiter. "I got fang face over here. I can easily solo a Youma, I picked one up in my base!"
"A-are you sure?" asked Sailor Moon.
"Yes," said Jupiter. "Go."
Sailor Moon nodded, and then took off.
000000
Meanwhile, Rei and Ami were keeping a beast at bay.
"Don't worry," said Rei. "We just have to hold out a little bit longer. Sailor Moon should be done with that thing soon."
"No can do," said Sailor Moon, who was talking through Ami's scouter. "Another monster showed up."
"What!?" said Mars. "You're kidding."
"No," said Sailor Moon.
"This is bad," said Mercury.
"Mercury," said Mars. "Have you calculated the monster's weak spot yet?"
"I'm trying," said Mercury, pointing her scouter back at the monster.
But that's when the scouter picked up another power level off in the distance, on approximately the 40th floor of an office building.
It was no doubt three men trying to hold off a Youma.
"I gotta go," said Mercury.
"You what?!" screamed Rei. "This isn't the time to study!"
"No," said Ami. "There's another Youma. Be strong, Rei!"
"AHHHH!" screamed Mars.
She took out ten slips of paper and got serious.
She started to hand them out like brochures, but the monster was a mighty one.
000000
Tuxedo Mask battled an entirely different Youma with his cane, atop a high building.
He quickly dealt with it, but one took its place
"Nooooo!" he said. "What is this?! Where are the Sailors?"
This was a more mighty Youma, and managed to get Tuxedo locked in a heated standstill.
Tuxedo swung his stick, but it was to no avail.
That's when he heard a high shriek, like a young child in peril.
He looked down from the building to see a Youma running lose in Juuban Square.
"Uh oh," said Tuxedo.
He considered jumping down to help, but his current Youma got him in a full nelson.
In the nelson, Mamoru managed to pull out his phone.
"Motoki!" he exclaimed when his good pal picked up. "There's a monster in the streets a few blocks from Crown Arcade. You need to stop it!"
"Me?!" said Motoki. "I'm just a simple arcade worker. Why don't you save them?"
"I can't," said Mamoru Chiba. "I'm fighting a different beast, and he's currently got me on the ground. Ouch! Please do this, old friend."
The line cut out, and Motoki stood up out of his chair.
"It's time to become a hero," he said solemnly.
He dashed out the door, and looked for his car.
"I'll use the power of man's inventions to topple the creature!" announced Motoki to no one in particular.
But in his car's parking spot was nothing.
"Shoot!" he said. "Why did Mama Motoki borrow it without asking me?!"
Motoki slammed his fist through a car window, and leapt inside.
He found a spare key hidden under the floor mat, and launched her up.
Then he took off speeding down the street.
To his horror, he spotted an unspeakably hideous monster holding a huge man above its head.
"Ooga booga!" it called.
"Die, foul beast! I, Motoki Furuhata, will slay you!"
Motoki slammed his foot down on the gas pedal, and went at 120 mph into the gargoyle.
"Phew," said Motoki. "Nothing could survive a hit from this boy."
Motoki peeled himself out of the airbag and hopped out of the car.
But to his amazement, the beast lifted up the car.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki, going whiter than a sheet.
He had no choice but to throw a punch, since the beast's arms were occupied.
It was a successful hit, and surprisingly tossed back the Youma, causing the car to drop only inches from Motoki's foot.
The beast fell through a fence.
"Phew," said Motoki.
But that workhorse wouldn't go down, and revved up for another round.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" repeated Motoki.
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Sailor Moon hit her creature with a tiara, but the monster dodged because it wasn't injured enough or stunned.
"Shoot!" said Sailor Moon. "How am I supposed to injure the beast if that's my only attack?"
She leapt up and threw a kick, tossing it, and got ready for another tiara throw.
But that's when another distress signal came in.
"Uh oh," said Sailor Moon. "What do I do!?"
Usagi took to the communicator. "Hey girls, anyone finish up their fights yet?"
All she heard in response was Ami's panting as she ran up 40 flights of stairs.
"Makoto?" asked Usagi.
But all she heard was grunts and the sound of punching.
"Rei?" she asked.
"Sorry, still up to my neck," she replied.
"Shoot," said Sailor Moon. "Has it really come to this?"
"Don't worry," said Luna. "I'll go hold off the monster attacking Juuban mall, while you finish this guy up!"
"No Luna, it's too dangerous!" cried Usagi.
"Don't worry," said Luna. "I won't engage it in actual combat. I'll just keep it distracted to save the innocent lives."
Luna dashed off before Sailor Moon could object more.
She arrived at the mall.
"There it is," thought Luna.
Luna threw her body at the behemoth, back-first into its leg.
But it had no effect.
The monster didn't even notice her, so Luna took a chomp on its foot.
The beast let out a shriek, and swung down its fist.
But Luna used her cat-like reflexes to leap out of the way.
She took off running on all fours, hoping the beast would chase her.
The beast chased her, but it was faster than she had calculated, and then appeared in front of her and threw a kick, tossing her.
Luna tried one last-ditch effort and leapt at it, fangs and claws first.
But it swatted her out of the air.
But to all the panicking bystanders' surprise, she landed on her feet.
"This… this is nothing!" she panted, having trouble standing.
The monster swung down its arms in an overhead mallet punch, and Luna braced herself for the great beyond.
But when she opened her eyes, a majestic white cat was holding the fist of the Youma above her.
"Artemis!" yelled Luna. "I haven't seen you since the Silver Millennium!"
"Heh," said Artemis, in a deep sweat. "Run, Luna."
"No," said Luna. "If we battle together, we can defeat this guy."
They battled together, and put up a very good fight.
However they weren't even close to breaking even with such a mighty monster.
That's when their super-sonic hearing kicked in, and they heard screams from across the mall.
"Uh oh," said Luna.
"Go," said Artemis. "You're less injured. Try to distract the beast without engaging in combat!"
"No, Artemis!" cried Luna. "You'll die here! You're simply a goner!"
"GO!" said Artemis, as he got kicked like a football.
Luna took off running without looking back as cat tears hit the ground.
She confronted the monster, and hoped it would be a weaker one.
But unfortunately, it had just the same amount of power.
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Grandpa, Chad, and Melvin walked in a casual pace towards certain death.
Melvin's knees were rattling rhythmically as he sported a toy hammer.
"Am I the only one here afraid that we're gonna die?" asked Melvin.
"I know we're gonna die," said Grandpa. "But I'm not afraid."
In his hands, were several powerful voodoo slips, each which had the power to destroy any spirit in the world.
He knew he would be needing them, and he prepared them many years ago, only for a crisis. But this certainly was one.
Chad had his broom.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Melvin, charging suddenly when he spotted the golem.
He did an amazing leap that only Grandpa could see, and hit the creature over the head with his hammer.
It did no effect, and Melvin was tossed to the ground.
However, it's shown that Melvin can tank a lot of injury from Youmas, and he got to his feet.
He took out his bag of shrimp, and got ready to throw it.
But Grandpa charged at lightning speed, ten times faster than someone his age should and could.
He threw three slips on the monster, causing it to smoke and yell in pain.
The monster died.
"Wow," said Melvin. "We did it, folks!"
But that's when another monster took its place.
"Hey," said Chad, shaking. "How many more of those slips do you have?"
"That was all of them," answered Grandpa casually. "I do have a couple generic ones though, that my granddaughter wrote."
The monster leapt at them at once, and Grandpa easily dodged its attack.
But Chad wasn't so lucky. The monster got him by his broom, and lifted him high into the air.
"Chad, no!" said Grandpa.
Grandpa ran up and threw several flawless martial arts kicks, followed by three accurate chops to the beast's pressure points.
But sadly its biology wasn't the same as the humans who had trained Grandpa, so his pressure points weren't quite in the same place.
The beast let out a sonic shout, and Grandpa raised his fan, countering the attack, but dropping his endurance by half.
The monster threw Chad on the ground, and threw a kick to his spine.
Chad let out a shriek. "SHYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled.
Melvin, gaining new strength, dove at the creature's legs, hoping to take it down.
But it had no effect, and did little to sway the beast.
Grandpa got in his battle stance once more, and threw a powerful knee to the monster's stomach, inflicting heavy damage.
But while his knee was still connected, the monster threw an elbow into his head, sending Grandpa crashing into the ground.
The monster put his foot on Grandpa's giant head, while Melvin swung his backpack at the creature's spine.
"Live long lives, young boys," said Grandpa, losing strength.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Chad, throwing a powerful bodyslam, surpassing the strength of his master, Grandpa.
Grandpa was also one with great endurance like Melvin, so the unlikely duo looked at each other and nodded.
Grandpa made it to his feet, and they charged together as a team.
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All of the Sailors were locked in great battles. Some were doing better than others.
Mercury took a chop to the face.
Molly and her mom walked down the street.
Molly's mom was equipped with a golf club, and Molly with a spatula.
They passed the Tsukino family, who were walking grimly in the opposite direction.
"Good luck," said Kenji.
"You too," said Molly's mom.
Molly and her mother arrived at the monster.
"Mama," said Molly. "I'm scared."
"There's no time for that emotion," said Molly's mom.
She swung the golf club, nailing the beast in the head. "This is the final fury of the Osaka family!" she shouted. "For Osa-P!"
She hit the beast again with twice the strength, creating a metal clanging sound.
"Good one, Mama!" cheered Molly.
But the beast was unfazed, and grabbed Molly's mom by the neck, pushing her body into a streetlamp.
"Nooooooo!" said Molly. "Let her go, you beast!"
Molly threw concentrated blows at the monster's ribs, but it had a solid body like a lizard.
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As the Tsukino family marched on, there was a split in the road with monsters on each side.
Kenji and Ikuko looked at each other, and they nodded sadly.
"Let's go, Shingle," said Kenji sadly.
They went their separate ways, never to meet each other again.
"Will Mama make it out alive?" asked Shingo.
"Let's keep moving," said Kenji, with a toast in his mouth.
Ikuko approached her monster, and laying on the ground was Ms. Haruna's battered corpse.
The monster was sporting some scratches, proving Haruna put up a solid game, but came far from downing the beast.
Ikuko readied her frying pan, the frying pan she'd had since birth.
"Old reliable," she said.
Ms. Haruna's spirit appeared next to Ikuko.
Either that, or Ikuko's fear made her imagine it.
"Ikuko," said Ms. Haruna. "Do you think you can down the beast I failed to defeat?"
"Yes," said Ikuko. "I surpassed you long ago, Haruna."
Haruna's spirit smiled, and disappeared, passing on to heaven.
"We may have had our differences," said Ikuko once she was gone. "But she was a good person. Too young to leave this world."
Ikuko charged with her frying pan, and all she had.
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Kenji flung toast like ninja stars at the beast, but it simply reflected it all.
"Alright, make my day, shitface!" called Kenji, taking a stray crowbar off the street and getting ready for a fight.
Kenji charged the beast, and they locked arms.
"Look at Papa go!" said Shingo. "He's so brave! I must aid him in combat!"
That's when Shingo heard a familiar cry.
"Shingo….-kun!" cried one of his school friends.
"Goodbye, Papa," said Shingo.
"I am glad you died a man," said Kenji, getting quickly overwhelmed.
Shingo barged into doll girl's house, and saw her throwing her precious dolls as weapons.
"Don't worry!" said Shingle, sliding in. "I'll be this monster's opponent! You take your stupid dolls and escape with your life, small one!"
The girl escaped with her life, and Shingo got ready for his final chapter.
The monster toyed with Shingo for a long time, until it got Shingo on the ground.
"I have no regrets," said Shingle. "I lived a good life."
That's when the monster took a beam to the face, and none other than the mysterious Sailor V appeared.
"Ah!" said Shingle. "I'm a big fan! But Sailor Moon is better!"
"Shut up," said V. "Run along, little guy. I'll take it from here."
"Right," said Shingle.
He ran out the door, but there was another monster on the patio, waiting for him.
It gestured for him to come, and Shingo threw a punch.
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Ami was doing amazing leaps, but she slipped up, and received a quick kick to the face.
She got tossed through the wall, but got to her feet.
"Mercury Bubble Spray!" she repeated for the 12th time.
At this point it was not making the air anymore foggy, and the monster simply approached her.
Ami got ready for another round.
But that's when the sound of petals made her turn around.
"Young Sailor Mercury," said Zoisite. "A true pity."
"Zoisite, you fiend!" said Ami. "Are you behind all these creatures?"
"Yes," said Zoisite. "They were just standing around Queen Beryl's throne so I took them."
"You won't get away with this!" said Ami, trying to look intimidating and expecting Zoisite to flee like he usually does.
But Sailor Mercury was battle-worn, so she did not look very frightening.
"Goodbye," said Zoisite, teleporting away.
"Phew," said Mercury, getting ready to face her monster again.
That's when a crystal flew her way, ending her.
"Hot dog!" said Zoisite reappearing.
But the monster threw a punch at Zoisite, but Zoisite caught it.
"Watch it, beast," said Zoisite. "I'll let you run along now, but if you push your luck again I'll send you back to Beryl's crowd."
The Youma took off with its tail between its legs.
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Epilogue
Zoisite managed to take out both Makoto and Tuxedo Mask in similar surprise attacks.
But when he arrived to finish Sailor Moon, she had defeated her monster, and Zoisite was forced to flee.
Rei survived with heavy injuries, and so did Sailor V who would one day reveal herself as Sailor Venus.
She did lose an arm in combat, but maybe one day she'll get a mechanical one.
Luna and Artemis both perished, and Ikuko passed on.
Molly's mom died, and Molly managed to escape, not wanting to fight the monster once she realized it was a lost cause.
Grandpa and Melvin died, but Chad lived to tell their heroic tale.
Shingle died, and surprisingly enough Kenji pulled through and defeated his monster by using his brain power to trick the simple beast into getting crushed by 100 pounds of rubble.
Motoki was slain, but his memory lived on by his sister. Unbeknownst to her, a beam was his undoing.
His mom, however, who had taken his car, road into trouble.
Zoisite presented the corpses of the fallen, including Mercury, Jupiter, and Tuxedo Mask. He even laid forth the cats.
"This is enough to spare your life," said Beryl with a giddy grin. "Two meddlesome Sailors out of the way, and those pesky cats. Now get me the rest of those crystals!"
"Yes," said Zoisite.
"Oh," said Beryl, realizing the opportunity. "Let's see who this monster Tuxedo Mask really is under his mask."
Queen Beryl unmasked Tuxedo Mask's decaying remains.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Beryl. "This is my love Endymion! Why did you kill him?!"
"How the heck was I supposed to know that?!" said Zoisite.
Beryl killed Zoisite.
FIN
Kenji's Quest for the Golden Toaster
Kenji was reading his newspaper, as Ikuko handed him his breakfast, a toast sandwich.
"Thank you, young one," said Kenji.
"Hey," said Shingle. "Why do you love toast so much?"
Kenji killed Shingo, and Ikuko shook her head sadly. "I knew this day was coming," she said.
Kenji's daughter Usagi pranced in.
"Ah, my favorite child," he said. "Who's now my only child!"
As proper Japanese custom, Ikuko turned on the TV in the other room so Kenji could listen to the news.
"Mmm," he said, while reading a newspaper.
"News, news, news."
"Heh heh," giggled Ikuko. "You sure are the bread winner of this family."
"Ho ho!" said Kenji. "Toast jokes are my favorite jokes!"
He was reading the newspaper when he spotted something he thought he'd never see.
He sprinted out of the room and out the door, and never came back.
Kenji arrived at the new statue, that was none other than a huge golden toaster.
"Uwwwaaaaa!" said Kenji with glee.
He returned at night, and climbed into the toaster, hoping no one would turn it on despite it being a statue.
He scanned his flashlight, until he spotted the hidden map.
He took a picture with his most expensive camera.
Luckily, he had many of those in stock due to his profession.
The picture printed out from the camera like an old school camera, and Kenji shook it to develop it.
"I'm off!" he said.
He drove up to Melvin's house and honked the horn.
"It's time!" he called.
Melvin sprinted out with his backpack he had prepared when he was just a young boy for this occasion.
He hopped in shotgun, and they took off.
"Say," said Kenji. "You should become my daughter's husband."
"Heh heh heh," said Melvin, his face glowing red. "That would be a dream. Do I have your blessing, Mr. Tsukino?"
"Yes," said Kenji. "You must propose to her with toast, as that's how I proposed to my wife."
"Ah, a good money-saver," said Melvin. "So I can spend more on textbooks."
"Now that's a boy for my daughter," chuckled Kenj.
They followed the map precisely until they arrived at a place no other human knew about, since no one except for them could see it through the barrier.
"Why are we gifted enough to see through the magical wall?" asked Melvin.
"Because," said Kenji. "I have this photo here of the map, so this will allow us to see it."
They hopped out of the car, and walked for two miles.
"No way," said Melvin when they reached their destination.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kenji.
It was the promised land.
An entire field where toast was literally sprouting forth from the ground, exactly like a pumpkin patch.
Kenji took a sample, and started to cry from happiness.
"It's so good!" he wept.
"Ah," said Melvin. "I wanna try a piece of American-style toast!"
He took a bite.
Kenji took off his belt, and whipped Melvin to his demise.
"You're unworthy," he said.
And so lived on Kenji eternally, in a little toast house in the beautiful toast field, farming every day at the crack of dawn and tending to his toast crop that would only be consumed by himself.
FIN
