"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Jadeite continued. "I will open a buffet, and all of the food steals energy! The more you eat, the more energy goes to the Negaverse! Hahaha! Stupid humans!"
"Good work," said Beryl.
Suddenly Zoisite entered.
"Jed," said Zoisite. "Did I hear you were going to open a buffet?"
"No," said Jed. "Buzz off."
"Well sadly that won't work," said Zoisite.
He showed Jadeite a news clipping.
Jadeite read it carefully.
"NO!" he said. "Crown Parlor is opening up an American-style buffet?!"
Zoisite nodded.
"Zoisite, how do you know this?" said Jadeite.
"Ah," said Zoisite. "I know everything having to do with Motoki or his sister. I keep tabs on them. Ever since that beam, we've grown sort of attached."
"I don't think he feels that way," said Jadeite. "Especially not his sister."
Zoisite shook his head. "Especially his sister. I go to Crown Parlor every day, and dine and dash!"
"Fine then," said Jadeite. "Well, I'm going to go check out the competition. Farewell."
The Negaverse got in line at Crown Buffet.
"Table for five, please," said Queen Beryl.
"I didn't invite any of you," mumbled Jed.
"Quiet," said Nephrite, putting on his bib. "It's time to chow!"
"I'm eating good tonight," said Kunzite.
"Let's not pay," said Zoisite. "It will be easy to slip out with all the commotion!"
"Sorry," said Beryl. "You have to pay to walk in."
"Goodbye," said Zoisite.
"No," said Kunzite. "Come on."
"Fine," said Zoisite. "I'll figure out another way to run them out of business."
"I thought you were friends," said Jadeite.
"No," said Zoisite. "Enemies. Close enemies."
"Ah," understood Jed.
They all grabbed their plates and entered the buffet.
"Hmm," said Nephrite, examining the several different sections for different kinds of foods. "So this is how they eat in America. No wonder they're all unhealthy."
"OOOH!" cried Jadeite. "I can't believe they have it!"
Jadeite dashed over to the desserts. "BANANER PUDDING!"
"What's so great about banana pudding?" asked Zoisite.
"You have a lot to understand," said Jadeite. "What's it like to be so young and so naïve?"
Jadeite took a large salad bowl from the salad section, and brought it to the desserts.
He piled in banana pudding until he could pile it in no more, and went to the table.
Nephrite got a large tray of fancy meats, along with some frenchies of course, and seated down too.
Queen Beryl soon joined them, and her plate consisted of: 2 chicken legs, a small bowl of salad, a cob of corn, and 1 flap jack.
"Beryl," said Jadeite. "What are you doing? That's all garbage!"
"Shut up, banana pudding!" yelled Beryl. "I can eat whatever I want!"
"You can," said Nephrite. "But that doesn't mean you should."
Jadeite looked at Nephrite's plate.
"Excellent," he said.
"Yes," said Nephrite. "I mapped it out before I came. I don't go into a buffet without knowing the best way to tackle it. In two plates will be dessert, as is right. So, Jadeite. Why are you eating dessert now?"
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "There's no right way to tackle a buffet."
"Hey guys," said Motoki's sister. "Are you doing good tonight?"
"Shut up," said Jadeite.
"Eat shit," said Beryl.
"Wowee," said Motoki's sister. "That's a lot of pudding! If you eat that much now, you won't be hungry for food!"
"Shut up, I know that!" said Jadeite.
Suddenly Zoisite walked up, holding a plate of every single item on the menu, and ten of each of the expensive items.
The plate was close to toppling.
"Wowee!" said Motoki's sister. "You must have a big appetite!"
"I gotta get my money's worth," said Zoisite. "Since I had to pay and all."
"Yes," said Motoki's sister. "It's nice to see you pay for once."
"Thanks Motoki's sister," said Zoisite. "Tell your brother I said hi."
"I'll do that," lied Motoki's sister. But she would never frustrate ol' Motoki for no reason.
"Where's Kunzite?" asked Beryl.
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "When I left him, he didn't have an item on his plate. He asked if he should get steak or ribs, and I said 'I don't know but you could just get both.' But Kunzite refused to make any rash decisions."
"Hey," said Motoki, who was serving the meats, as Kunzite eyed the meats a good five minutes but said nothing. "You need any suggestions?"
"No," said Kunzite. "I'm concentrating. Silence."
Motoki's sister walked up behind. "Onii-chan," she said.
"Ah, hi!" said Motoki.
"You know you don't have to help me out here," said sis. "You have an arcade to run!"
"Nah," said Motoki, who was a genuinely good guy. "I had that orange man run it."
"Ah, good choice," said Motoki's sis. "But sadly I have some bad news."
"Yes," said Motoki. "Someone already took all the banana pudding. It must be popular!"
"Heh heh," said Motoki's sis, not wanting to break the bad news that it was only one fanatic. "But that's not the bad news. There seems to be a pack of… troublemakers that wandered in. You might have to ask them to leave!"
"No need," said Motoki. "They haven't done anything bad yet! Let the boys eat."
"Okay…" said Motoki's sister. "I really hope they don't cause any trouble."
Nephrite walked up for another round at that moment.
"2 more medium rare boys, kind sir," he demanded.
Motoki handed him two medium rare steaks right off the grill.
Nephrite examined them closely. He cut one of them open, and took a deep look.
Then he took a sniff.
Then he shook his head sadly. "Too fatty," he said. "And I would call this medium medium rare, not medium rare."
"Ah," said Motoki. "I'll bring some good ones to your table."
"Thanks, Jadeite look-alike," said Nephrite. He moved on to another section.
On the way, he passed Kenji who only had toast on his plate.
"Kenji," said Nephrite. "I didn't even know they served toast here. I would have slipped that in one or two of my planned plates."
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "This place has everything."
"Yes," said Nephrite. "So why would you only get toast?"
Kenji just put his finger to Nephrite's lips.
He then left.
"Odd boy," said Nephrite, wiping his mouth off.
Kunzite stood at the desserts, eyeing them.
"Hmmmmmm," he said.
Back at the table, Jadeite was woofing down his banana pudding like a man who hadn't eaten for months, perhaps years.
"So good," mumbled Jadeite.
"Hmm," said Beryl. "Should I have some banana pudding for dessert?"
"No," said Jadeite. "I have it all reserved."
"You can't reserve stuff in a buffet," said Beryl.
"Quiet," said Jadeite. "Go back to eating your corn on the cob, kid."
"That's something you can't get anywhere else," snickered Nephrite, as he dissected a whole lobster.
"Nice cook," he commented.
Zoisite returned to the table with another full plate.
"Wow," said Jed. "Another round, huh?"
"Yes," said Zoisite. "I'm a hungry guy."
"I think it might be time to go for another round," decided Beryl.
"I have some suggestions," said Nephrite, pulling out a few pieces of paper and a map.
"No need," said Beryl. "I'll get what catches my eye."
Zoisite eyed his food.
He took a fry and ate it.
"Not bad," he said. "Kunzite still hasn't come back, huh?"
"No," said Nephrite. "I haven't seen him this whole time. He hasn't sat down once."
"Kunzite is a complicated fellow," muffled Jadeite as he chugged pudding like someone in an eating contest.
"Hmm," said Zoisite, taking off.
"Hey Kunzite," said Zoisite, when he found Kunzite staring like a lost pup at the salad bar. "You need help there, buddy?"
"No," said Kunzite. "I'm just thinking about what to eat. I've never seen so much food in one place before."
"First time, huh?"
"Yes," said Kunzite. "The Earth buffet is a great feat of engineering."
"You should just pick something," said Zoisite. "Start with a steak, everyone gets those."
"It's not that simple," said Kunzite. "A good comparison would be discovering a room full of treasure, and picking which piece to nab first. Most people would have to think for a long time."
"Well, we could always come back to the buffet," said Zoisite. "And you can go a couple rounds, so it's not that big of a deal!"
"Hmm," said Kunzite.
He put his hand on his chin.
"Hmm," he repeated.
Zoisite left him, and started throwing stuff on a plate.
"Wowee," said Motoki, hovering over him suddenly. "You're sure a hungry guy! You might want to take it down a notch, you'll run me out of business, haha!"
"Shut up, beam boy," said Zoisite. "The sign said, 'All you can eat!' Is that a lie?"
"No," said Motoki. "I-I just didn't account for people with such big appetites, so…"
"So, can it," said Zoisite.
"You'll fill up before dessert!" pleaded Motoki.
"No," said Zoisite. "I'll make room."
He filled his plate until it could be filled no more, and then, holding the plate in one hand, picked up another plate with the other hand.
He walked over to the desserts.
"Hey Jed," said Zoisite. "Let me get some banana pudding."
"No can do," said Jadeite, scooping it out with an ice cream scooper.
"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Are you going to eat anything besides banana pudding? Why would you come to a buffet?"
"You can't make it as good," said Jadeite. "This pudding recipe is super secret. I looked for it online for hours. Sadly this is just the best pudding in the universe, and I can't waste time eating inferior garbage."
"Alright," said Zoisite. "I'm not one to judge. At least you picked something, unlike young Kunzite over there."
Kunzite looked over at Zoisite's plate full of food, and Jadeite's trough of banana pudding.
"Lucky," he said. "I wish I was so simple as to mindlessly grab food. We geniuses have it hard."
Zoisite and Jed headed back to the table to see Beryl eating a salad.
"Really?" said Jadeite. "A salad. Are you confused?"
"I think Beryl's lost it," said Zoisite.
"No," said Beryl. "I need to watch my figure. I don't get much exercise sitting on my throne and all, so…"
"That's unfortunate that Motoki scammed money out of all of you," said Zoisite. "The only ones getting our money's worth is me and Nephrite. Kunzite hasn't eaten anything, and Jadeite McDumb over here is only eating pudding."
"Quiet," said Jed. "I'm the only one who knows the meaning of life."
"Say," said Beryl. "I haven't seen you eat a single thing, Zoisite. You just keep coming back with big plates, but you haven't eaten a bite."
"Shhhh," said Zoisite. "It's a secret operation. Don't let the Motokis hear you. It's supposed to be all you can eat, so they have to think I'm eating it."
Zoisite got up and dumped his plate in the garbage in the split second both Motokis blinked simultaneously.
"Mmm, good!" said Zoisite, rubbing his stomach.
He grabbed a marshmallow and ate it. "Not bad," he said.
Then he grabbed a stack of three plates and got to work.
"Ouch," said Motoki. "Go easy on that lobster, young one!"
But Zoisite ignored him and in fact took 12 more lobsters.
He arrived at the steak section behind Nephrite.
Nephrite ordered a steak and left.
"Alright," said Zoisite. "I'll have 3 medium rares, 2 medium well medium rares, 2 well done, 2 medium well, 4 rares… hmm, did I say medium rares already?"
"Sorry," said Motoki. "One steak at a time. Please."
"Fine," said Zoisite. "One medium rare."
Motoki handed it to him.
"One medium rare," said Zoisite again.
"Nice try," said Motoki. "Go eat your grub, kid."
"How unfortunate," said Zoisite. "Looks like I'll need to grab some more lobster."
Motoki flinched, and Zoisite headed to his seat.
Motoki scurried over to his sister.
"Look at that guy," he said. "He's gotten so much food, but he's still eating!"
"Yes," said Motoki's sister. "He must have hit the buffet table ten times today, and he's not lightly filling his plates, either."
"There's no way," said Motoki. "He's such a small guy, how is he eating so much food?!"
"Maybe he's training for an eating competition," offered Motoki's sister.
Motoki turned back to Zoisite to see that his plate was empty.
"No way!" he said. "There's no way! Something fishy is going on! We have to keep a close eye on him."
Zoisite spotted Motoki glaring daggers at him.
"Shoot," said Zoisite. "He's getting suspicious. If only I had a big appetite, I could actually eat all the food and not throw every single drop in the garbage."
Nephrite was working a chicken leg.
"Hmm," he said. "This might have been a bad decision. Yes, I acted too compulsively. It is foolish to fill up on one thing."
"Yeah," said Jadeite, with his face covered in banana pudding like one who got a pie in the face.
Nephrite walked up to the trash can and threw away the chicken leg he only took one bite out of.
"AHA!" screamed Motoki, flying at him like a wild man.
"Woah!" said Nephrite. "Easy there."
"Sir," said Motoki. "Please don't get anything you won't be eating."
"Fine," said Nephrite. "I thought I'd like that chicken leg, but it was sub-par. Not up to my standards."
"Shut up," sneered Motoki, getting a little rowdy. "I know you and your band of hoodlums are trying to run me out of business. Be on guard, boy!"
Nephrite just shook his head sadly. "Whatever you say, young one."
Nephrite passed Kunzite on the way back, who had now become a statue.
"Hey Kunzite," said Nephrite.
Kunzite didn't respond.
"He's gone," said Nephrite.
"What did Motoki say to you?" said Zoisite at the table.
"He said to not take things I won't eat," explained Nephrite.
"Haha," said Zoisite. "You should have waited until he blinked to throw away that chicken leg."
"More banana pudding!" called Motoki's sister, laying down a fresh tray.
Jadeite pranced up, still eating banana pudding.
He took the tray and left.
"Woah," said Motoki's sister. "You can't really take the buffet trays…"
"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I'll return it when I'm ready for next round."
Motoki kept his eyes on Zoisite as he nibbled on a taco shell.
"This isn't good," said Zoisite. "He hasn't blinked for ten minutes."
That's when Motoki's eyes gave out, and when they reopened, Zoisite's taco shell, as well as his entire tray of food was gone.
"Hey!" said Motoki. "Where'd that food go?"
"Don't worry about it," said Zoisite. "It went where all food goes."
He walked up and got another tray.
"Gee," he said. "I guess I can squeeze in one more round. Gotta get my money's worth!"
Zoisite returned ten minutes later.
"Gosh," he said. "I guess I can go for one more."
He filled up his plate and left.
"Wow, my appetite amazes me," said Zoisite, walking up to the buffet and grabbing another full tray. "I could eat a horse!"
Nephrite got mad when there were no french fries left.
"I guess I'll have to settle for mac and cheese," he decided. "Zoisite needs to calm down. It wasn't that bad of a fate having to pay for food. I've certainly got my money's worth."
"I'm full," said Beryl.
"You ate too slowly," said Nephrite, shaking his head. "You have to eat fast and furious so you can consume as much food as possible before your body starts to feel full."
"No," said Beryl. "I've had enough. I guess I'll settle on some pudding or something."
"Not banana pudding," said Jadeite, with his face in the tray. "Motoki's sister still hasn't made another batch."
"That's because you have the tray, bozo," said Nephrite.
"Shoot!" remembered Jadeite. "I have to finish up quickly!"
"I tried the banana pudding," said Nephrite. "It's not that good."
Jadeite threw a wild punch, followed by a scattered barrage of blows.
"Ey!" said Nephrite, blocking. "I'm allowed to have my own opinion on food."
"Why did you taste the banana pudding?!" yelled Jadeite. "All of it was for me! And it is in fact the best thing ever, you idiot face!"
"AAAHHHH!" said Nephrite. "Calm down, boy."
Beryl came back with some vanilla ice cream.
The Shitennou just shook their heads.
"You just don't get it," said Nephrite. "If you want frozen yogurt, go to a frozen yogurt place."
"It's ice cream," said Beryl.
"Same thing," said Nephrite. "Amateur."
Jadeite licked the platter clean and then headed up to the desserts.
"Good eats," he said, returning the tray to Motoki's sister.
Motoki's sister just glared at him, so Jadeite left.
"Shoot," he said. "Now I have to wait."
Jadeite stood at a distance and eyed Motoki's sister as she casually whipped up a banana pudding.
"It's like she has all the time in the world," said Jadeite angrily. "I'll have to try some other food while I wait."
Jadeite walked over to the French fries, and grabbed some with his hand instead of using the tongs.
"Hey," said Motoki. "Don't do that."
"Hey," said Jadeite. "I'm wearing gloves."
"When was the last time you washed the gloves?" said Motoki.
Jadeite ignored him.
Kunzite, to everyone's shock, suddenly reached for a slice of pizza.
But Jed came barreling through, and Kunzite was startled and retracted his hand.
"No, no," said Kunzite. "This isn't right. Pizza at a buffet? What was I thinking? Thank you, young Jadeite."
"No problem," said Jadeite.
He sat back down at the table.
"Nice," said Nephrite. "Actual food. But I question your choices."
"Mmm," said Jadeite, sampling a French fry. "Not half bad. But I can't fill up on garbage. Anyone want my extra fries?"
"Pile 'em on," said Zoisite.
Jadeite had to stand up to put the fries on Zoisite's huge pile of food.
Zoisite was getting antsy, and started watching Motoki like a hawk.
"Come on boy, blink!" thought Zoisite.
That's when Motoki's eyes started to close, and Zoisite flew out of his seat and towards the trash.
But it was a fakeout blink, and Motoki's eyes shot open.
"AHAAAAAAAA!" he yelled, as Zoisite froze at the trashcan with a plate of food.
"I got you!" yelled Motoki.
"Got what?" said Zoisite. "I just came to throw out the tails of my shrimp."
Zoisite ate a shrimp and threw a tail in the garbage.
"This food's so good I couldn't part with it, so I brought it to the trash with me."
"I'm watching you," said Motoki. "I can sense your muscle movements."
"Alright, weirdo," said Zoisite.
He sat back down in his seat, and sighed a breath of relief.
"That was a close one," he said. "Good thing I'm so quick on my feet."
Motoki's sister quietly placed the banana pudding down, hoping no one would spot it.
Jadeite jogged up, and took out a plate.
"I think you've had enough," said Motoki's sister finally, being past the point of self-restraint.
Jadeite turned to her, and stared at her for a very long time with a sad expression.
"Why?" said Jadeite finally.
"Uh…" said Motoki's sister. "You can save some for other people who want to try it, you know? It's not fair for one person to monopolize a whole item."
"Oh," said Jadeite.
He left.
"Uh," said Motoki's sister, starting to feel a little bad. "You can have some chocolate pudding!"
"It's not the same," said Jadeite sadly.
He sat back down at the table.
"Rough," said Beryl.
"Zoisite," said Jadeite. "Go fetch me some pudding."
"Mm," said Zoisite. "I would gladly go steal you a full tray, but I'm being held down by this plate still like a ball and chain. I can't grab more food until I ditch it, but that devil Motoki has put on sunglasses so I can't keep tabs on his blinks."
"D'aww," said Jadeite. "Is my life over?"
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I have a plan that can benefit both of us. You go distract the Motokster, while I ditch this plate. Then I'll go get you some pudding."
"Good idea!" said Jed.
Jadeite went up to Motoki. "Medium well," he said.
"Ah," said Motoki. "Good choice, my look-alike."
Zoisite watched cautiously, but Motoki kept his eyes on Zoisite even as he handed Jadeite his steak.
"It's now or never," thought Zoisite. "I only have one shot at this."
During a split second where Motoki's eyes focused somewhere else, Zoisite threw his plate under a nearby booth.
"Phew," he said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "That was close."
Zoisite stood up and grabbed Jadeite's tray of banana pudding. He also grabbed many other trays of pudding and cake.
"Can't finish a big meal without dessert!" he said to Motoki's sister.
"Good work," said Jadeite, as they both rendezvoused at the table. "But what do I do with this steak?"
"What cook is it?" asked Nephrite.
"Medium well," said Jadeite.
"Oh, never mind," said Nephrite. "Fool."
Using the under-the-table strategy, Zoisite disposed of the other desserts.
He went back up to the main buffet.
"Mmm, second wind!" he said, going in for more lobster.
Motoki was starting to get heated.
"Look!" he said. "I know this buffet is all you can eat, but we did not create that slogan with eating contest participants in mind!"
"Sorry," said Zoisite. "No eating contest, though. I'm just hungry."
"Are you human!?" said Motoki.
"No," said Zoisite. "Well, kind of. More humanoid than anything."
Zoisite disposed of the food when Motoki had to flip a steak.
Zoisite no longer had enough time to get to the trashcan, and was shoving it all under a nearby table.
"Hey, watch it," said Nephrite. "You almost got cake on my boots."
"Quiet," said Zoisite.
Nephrite was nibbling a slice of tiramisu, and several items from the chocolate fountain.
"Smart man," said Beryl enviously, now that she had filled up on garbage.
Zoisite tossed another round under the table, but apparently the room under the booth was completely filled, and the food ended up in the aisle.
"Oh no!" said Zoisite.
That's when, against all odds, Motoki's sister came up with a broom.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed.
Motoki sprinted up. "What's wrong?!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki's sister.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Busted."
They slid away the table to reveal enough food to feed a starving country.
"RAAAAAAH!" screamed Motoki's sister. "How dare you waste so much good food!?"
"Okay food," corrected Nephrite, eating a strawberry.
"AND YOU!" said Motoki's sister. "Where did you get the banana pudding?!"
"Uh oh," said Jadeite, with pudding in his mouth.
He was caught red-handed but did not stop eating.
"OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!" screamed Motoki. "GET OUT, ALL OF YOU!"
"Even me?" said Nephrite.
"Yes, especially you!" said Motoki. "You condoned this kind of behavior and did not report it to the authorities."
"Whatever," scoffed Nephrite. "I was full anyway. I got my money's worth, and that's all that matters."
"Me too," said Beryl. "Well, I didn't get my money's worth, but I am full."
Jadeite took his bowl of pudding and walked out with the other two.
Zoisite lagged behind.
"What a sad fate," he said to Motoki. "I didn't want it to be this way."
Motoki just shook his head. "You knew what you were doing."
"Alright, alright," said Zoisite. "Catch ya later!"
He went to leave, but then he threw himself at the entrees.
He picked up a tray of mashed potatoes and threw it on the ground.
He kicked it over because it landed without spilling.
"EUUGHUU!" screamed Motoki.
Zoisite, knowing it was all or nothing, moved at a quick pace, and grabbed the full tray of macaroni and threw it into the wall.
He then picked up a chair and broke it.
He reached for the salsa, and threw it high into the air.
"LOOOOOK OOOOUUUUUT!" screamed Motoki to his sister.
But Motoki's sister had completely shut down when she saw all the wasted food, and took the salsa to the face.
She died shortly after.
Zoisite reached for the chicken, but suddenly someone got him in a full nelson.
"Hey, back off!" said Zoisite. "All you can eat, remember!?"
But Motoki had him locked in a death grip, with a power level 1 million times his true power thanks to his anger.
"AAAHHHHH!" screamed Zoisite. "Kunzite, help!"
But Kunzite was still in his trance, and was no longer classified as a living being.
Motoki got so heated he lifted Zoisite off the ground, and slammed him into the rails where one would keep their plate while filling it.
"Owwww!" screamed Zoisite.
He stood up and shot a beam, as Motoki charged with a wild wild wild punch.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Motoki.
He went flying with the beam, somehow at such an angle that all the food in the buffet was eliminated.
Motoki hit the ground with a thud.
Motoki was deceased.
"Goodbye," said Zoisite. "Old friend."
Nephrite peaked his head back in the buffet. "Zoisite, why didn't you come out?"
Nephrite saw that everything was in ruins. "Shoot," he said. "I totally would have come back here one day."
"Let's go, Kunzite," said Zoisite, pulling the statue along with him.
Kunzite was now a statue and was placed in the middle of the Negaverse courtyard.
"Buffets aren't for everyone," concluded Nephrite.
FIN
