Part X
8x13 The Anxiety Optimization
Amy: Look, I know you don't like it, but that's the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.
Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?
Amy: My mother said that's how good girls do it.
Sheldon played with his salad. A couple of days had passed after what he now referred to as 'anxiety madness' in his head. His quest to optimize his anxiety levels had made him hallucinate and so jittery – but that may have been the Red Bull – that he barely even remembered most of the days spent in his Superman t-shirt with that cap on his head.
After a couple of good nights sleep he felt much better. He still hadn't made any progress in coming up with a theory of dark matter that doesn't make protons decay. It irked him. But Leonard and Penny had been pretty firm in their talks to him the last two days. He should let it rest.
Apparently, 'it would come to him when he least expected it'.
That was some inspirational nonsense if he ever heard it, but he pretended to accept their ridiculous notion, just so they would stop talking about his bout of near-madness. He wondered why Amy hadn't contacted him during the weekend to ask about his days. Maybe something had happened at their date night? He couldn't really recall much from that evening or how he had gotten home after the date ended.
Before he could ponder it any further, he was brought out of his train of thought by the arrival of Koothrappali and Wolowitz at their usual table, and their typical talk of whatever happened during the weekend flowed easily around them. Sheldon was able to lecture them on some of the points of their discussion, and all was back to normal.
Sheldon was glad. He hated change.
They neared the end of their lunch, when Koothrappali started to peel a banana.
Sheldon stared at him. Koothrappali seemed none the wiser, and took a big bite out of the banana, chewing with his mouth slightly open. Sheldon scrunched up his nose in disgust, but somehow couldn't keep his eyes of the scene in front of him.
There was something about bananas. He couldn't remember. Why did watching Rajesh eat a banana make him think of Amy?
"Geez, Sheldon," Wolowitz exclaimed. "You can't stare at guy like that when he's eating a banana."
Sheldon blinked and turned to look at Wolowitz. Koothrappali had been in the midst of taking a bite out of the banana, and he pulled it out of his mouth reluctantly, giving Sheldon a look.
"What?" Sheldon asked, bewildered.
"You can't try to make eye contact with a man eating a banana, Sheldon," Wolowitz said, as if that settled it.
"I wasn't trying to," Sheldon said, confused still. Why did the image of Amy come up in his head when he looked at that banana?
He racked his brain. What was the connection between Amy and bananas? It seemed such a strange combination to trigger him. He mentally went through other nutriments; she was allergic to avocados, she liked lemon in her tea, and that one time when they were out to dinner she had made noises of appreciation when she ate a chocolate-raspberry tart. Those noises had stayed with him for longer than he cared to admit.
Nothing came to mind about bananas. Then why did her face appear in his head?
"Are you alright Sheldon?" Leonard asked, bringing him out of his reverie.
"No," Sheldon said after some hesitation. It seemed ridiculous, even to his own ears. "I don't know why, but for some reason seeing Raj eat that banana made me think of Amy."
Leonard raised his eyebrows. Wolowitz guffawed.
"That's it, I'm not going to finish this," Koothrappali exclaimed, throwing the half-eaten banana down.
Wolowitz seemed to be having some sort of fit. Leonard was red in the face.
What was going on?
"What?" Sheldon asked. He hated it when they laughed and didn't tell him why.
"Nothing, Sheldon," Leonard said, blushing still.
"I told you not to take such big bites out of a banana in a public place," Wolowitz hissed to Koothrappali. "It gives off a vibe."
Sheldon furrowed his brow. Why would eating fruit give off a vibe of sorts?
"What am I supposed to do? Slice it first?" Koothrappali asked, "or just put it in my mouth sideways?"
Suddenly, it clicked in Sheldon's mind. Amy and bananas. Good girls eat bananas horizontally, she had said.
It hadn't made any sense to him then, and it didn't make any sense to him now. Maybe he should go by her apartment later, and ask her. He'd be able to kill two birds with one stone; it bothered him that he hadn't heard from her the entire weekend. She'd better have a good explanation for that as well.
Leonard smirked at him that afternoon when he asked to be dropped off at Amy's. Sheldon didn't really understand why Leonard gave him a look that suggested something. He decided not to ponder to long about that. He had informed Amy of his upcoming visit by text message. Her response had been off; usually she ended the text with 'XO', but now she didn't.
It bothered him.
Why wouldn't she be sending him digital hugs and kisses? He felt cheated out of them somehow, which made no sense; it wasn't as if he looked forward to their usual date night kisses – not that much at least – but he had gotten used to her usual way of ending her texts. He wondered again if something had happened.
Could she be angry for some reason? Was she deliberately withholding her digital kisses?
"Leonard," he said, "when I got home Thursday, did I mention anything about Amy?"
Leonard looked at him sideways, grinning. "You mean in regards to bananas?"
Sheldon furrowed his brow.
"No," he replied, "I have the feeling she may be mad at me. But I can hardly remember anything from last week, let alone the date night we had on Thursday."
"Well," Leonard started, and he sounded apprehensive, "you weren't in your best shape. And you had taken the bus home, so I don't think it went too well, buddy."
Sheldon felt guilty. He assumed as much. He had been so consumed by his anxiety experiment. He had probably been working during their date night as well. No wonder Amy was pissed off; it was forbidden by their relationship agreement to be working during date night.
He had violated the relationship agreement. He felt nauseous almost immediately.
"Leonard," he said urgently. "Turn right here, we need to make another stop first."
Amy didn't look too happy to see him. His earlier presumptions turned out to be correct. She was mad.
"Hello Sheldon," she said, tonelessly.
"Hello," he responded. Anger seemed to radiate off her. She looked at him, as if she was waiting for something. Should he apologize for ruining their date night already? He had a sort of apology planned.
Her eyes shifted to the flowers he held in his left hand, and her features softened.
"These are for you," Sheldon said, holding them out to her.
"Sheldon…" Amy mumbled bashfully, and Sheldon couldn't help but smile in return.
"I realise I behaved rather rudely last Thursday," he muttered, "and I violated the relationship agreement in doing so. Please accept these flowers as an apology."
Amy took the flowers from him, and looked up at him. She was blushing.
"The flowers weren't necessary," she whispered, accepting them all the same. "But I appreciate the apology."
Sheldon nodded awkwardly. He hardly ever apologized, but he had found out early in their relationship that Amy was more willing to accept his apologies if he accompanied them with a gift of sorts. Leonard had refused to go into the jewellers' though, so he had to settle for a bouquet of pink peonies instead.
Amy seemed to like them at least. But not as much as the tiara, a nagging voice in the back of his head said. His brows constricted. Where had that come from? Had he hoped she would kiss him in thanks, like she had done when he had given her the tiara?
He was still a bit annoyed by the kisses she had withheld from him. They probably hadn't even had their usual end-of-date-night kiss either, he realised.
Even more kisses she had denied him.
"May I come in?" he asked, slightly irritated. He was still standing in the hallway.
"Oh, yes, of course," Amy said, taking a step to the side and allowing him in.
Sheldon stepped into her apartment, and pivoted on his foot. Amy had just closed the door behind him, and seemed surprised by how close he was standing when she turned back around.
Her eyes widened when Sheldon moved down swiftly and pressed his lips to hers. He waited till he felt her lips press back against his before he pulled back. There. Now he had had some sort of closure at least, for their ruined date night.
Amy languidly opened her eyes. "What was that for?" she asked quietly. Her voice trembled.
"I don't think we had an appropriate goodbye last Thursday, did we?" Sheldon asked, but his voice was a lot softer than his usual tone.
"N-no," Amy whispered. "But I thought we were having this extra date night to make up for that?"
Sheldon nodded. "You didn't send me any kisses by text either," he muttered.
Amy blushed.
"I was kind of mad at you," she shrugged. "I also didn't think you'd notice, to be honest."
Sheldon just raised his eyebrows. There had yet to come day in which he wouldn't notice anything about her.
"I did," he merely stated.
Amy looked up at him, a sort of mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She stood on tiptoe and quickly pecked his mouth. "There," she smiled. "Better?"
Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her. That vixen.
Amy had ordered Thai, because it was Monday. Sheldon realised he should be appreciative of that, but it was hard to when she had ordered from a different Thai restaurant (his usual didn't deliver in her neighbourhood) and his chicken was shredded, and not diced.
But he figured he couldn't really make a fuss, since she had tried to abide by his schedule – even though she had still been angry when she had ordered. Sometimes he thought he really didn't deserve her.
The air around them was comfortable, and Amy told him about her weekend now anyway.
Sheldon was glad for the normalcy around them. They were able to have their usual debates and discussions during their dinner. It almost didn't bother him anymore that his meal wasn't really to his liking, and he was at her apartment while Mondays were supposed to be spend at his place.
He just had to make amends with her, he presumed. She had just tried to help him with his anxiety experiment last week, and he had behaved appallingly.
It hadn't been really necessary for her to increase his anxiety with that annoying orange balloon. For some reason he was always a little anxious when he was around her. She hadn't mentioned his elevated heartrate when she had connected all the sensors to her computer. Hadn't she noticed? Or perhaps she had noticed, and decided for some reason not to comment?
Maybe Amy had been too focussed on his neurological values to notice. She was more interested in the brain than the body after all. Although sometimes Sheldon wondered if she was more interested in his body than his brain, with the way she leered at him when she thought he didn't notice.
"I should have been more appreciative of your help with my anxiety experiments last week," Sheldon said, feeling the sudden need to let her know again that he truly felt bad for his behaviour.
"It's alright," Amy mumbled.
"I'll reimburse you for that cap," Sheldon said. "I think Penny threw it out."
"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're showering again," Amy said with a slight smile. "You scared me a little."
The remorse returned again. Sheldon knew he could become like this; out of control, completely focussed on one goal, losing his sense of reality. It had happened in the past, but that was years ago.
"Have you been able to focus on work now, even without the anxiety?" Amy asked, taking a sip of her wine.
"I have, but not as much as I would have liked," Sheldon admitted. "There's still something bothering me in the back of my mind, I can't seem to shake it."
Amy regarded him thoughtfully.
"It's a shame I don't have my equipment at home," she said, "it would have been really interesting for me to map out your brain patterns right now and compare them to the ones from last week."
Sheldon looked at her.
"When you tried to increase my anxiety levels with that annoying balloon?"
"Yes," Amy confirmed.
Sheldon stared as she took another sip of her wine. Amy blinked at him.
"What?" she asked.
Thinking about that balloon brought back his earlier thoughts about banana, and the way the guys had reacted that afternoon. Deciding it was just going to be bothering him too much, he just went for it.
"Why would watching you eat a banana increase my anxiety levels?" he asked.
Amy blushed crimson. She hastily took another sip of her wine. And another.
"Koothrappali was eating a banana at lunch, and watching him eat it didn't do anything to me," Sheldon supplied. Maybe she didn't understand what he meant. "And he ate it the regular way."
Amy emptied her glass. She looked away and murmured something.
"I'm sorry?" Sheldon asked. Why was she this embarrassed?
"Forget about it," Amy repeated. "It was silly, really."
She got up from the table and made her way over to the kitchen, throwing away the empty containers and loading up her dishwasher. Sheldon quickly averted his eyes when he saw her rear came into view perfectly as she bent down.
"Why would your mother make you eat a banana horizontally, though?" Sheldon pressed, as he handed her his plate.
Amy's face was beet red. "She once saw me trying to fit an entire banana in my mouth, and I succeeded," she said, "she forbade me to do that after that."
Sheldon furrowed his brow in confusion. "An entire banana?" he repeated. "And you didn't throw up?"
Amy shook her head, bending down towards the dishwasher again. "No," she confirmed. "Turns out I have no gag reflex. It's not the first weird thing about my body; I've told you about my webbed feet and my brittle ankles."
Sheldon nodded, lost in thought.
In his mind's eye, Raj's face morphed into Amy's at their lunch table. She held his gaze as she engulfed an entire banana – peel and all – in her mouth, and then slowly took it out, just to work it in again.
Tingles moved up his spine and his blood rushed through him. The dirty plate he was holding nearly slipped out of his hands – his palms were slippery, his heart rate quickened. His blood rushed in his ears. He could see black spots appear in front of his eyes. All his nerves were on end.
Anxiety.
No. No. Not anxiety, he realised. Arousal.
Danger! Danger!
Amy seemed none the wiser as she took the plate from his hand. Sheldon tried to calm his breathing. He was thankful he was facing the counter, he would be able to shield the growing bulge in his pants from Amy's eyes.
If only she would stop bending down and practically shoving her bottom in his face. Sheldon groaned softly and immediately coughed, making it seem like he had a tickle in this throat.
"So, there's that," Amy said, standing up and closing the dishwasher, "and also the fact that the phallic shape of a banana might trigger you in some way."
Sheldon stared at her.
What was she saying?
Amy proceeded to wash her hands, a faint blush still on her cheeks. Sheldon didn't understand how she could be so unperturbed. The way she spoke about bananas and shoving them entirely down her throat and the casual mention of the word 'phallic'.
Did she think he was made of stone?
"It might have," he said, "if you'd eaten it normally instead of horizontally."
Amy looked back up at him, her mouth open in shock. Her pupils dilated.
"To increase my anxiety levels," he quickly added. He wasn't really sure what was going on anymore now; yes, he was somewhat aroused, but he also felt extremely awkward. His anxiety levels were rising rapidly. If only he had had this level of anxiety last week…
Wasn't that the reason he had gone to Amy's to begin with? Because she always made him anxious. With her expectations and her insinuations and her shapely rear and her pouting lips and her begging green eyes and her shiny hair and her - -
"If I had any bananas here, I'd show you," she said, winking at him.
Sheldon grasped the counter with both hands. There was a stirring in his pants.
"Aren't there any other… phallic shaped things around for you to demonstrate your ehm… skills on?"
His heart stopped beating for a second. What had just come out of his mouth? He must have lost his mind for real now. Sheldon Lee Cooper did not just say that.
But by the look on Amy's face it appeared he had.
She was fully blushing now. Her hands shook and her mouth had opened in shock.
"D-do you realise what you're asking me?" she whispered quietly.
"Yes," Sheldon lied.
He didn't. Not really. He just couldn't get rid of the image in his head of Amy swallowing a banana whole – and it disturbed him – particularly because it wasn't normal. The human body couldn't handle such big quantities at once; that was why one gagged on too big a bites of food.
And besides the lack of normalcy of it; he couldn't shake the strange feeling of arousal combined with nervousness he got when he thought about it. It made him even more anxious than anything he had tried to week before.
"I don't think you do," Amy said – her voice was shaking, and her blush moved from her face down to her neck.
Sheldon just stared at her. He just wanted to get rid of this antsy, anxious feeling coursing through him now.
"You're asking me to fellate you," her voice was so breathless he barely heard her.
Sheldon's heart palpitated. Had he asked that? He just needed to get rid of this anxious, sort of excited feeling. But why wasn't he denying her assumptions immediately?
Amy was looking at him like she had never seen him before. Her eyes shifted to his white knuckles holding onto the counter in front of him. Sheldon cursed himself for wearing khakis. There was no hiding his erection in these pants.
He watched in horror how Amy gasped as she saw it.
Sheldon looked up to the skies. Where was his mother's beloved deity in times like these? It would have helped him greatly if he could have made it disappear for just a moment now. All the more proof that there was no God, he thought.
"Sheldon," Amy whispered quietly.
He looked at her. He was not ashamed, he was not. He wasn't. It was normal for his body to respond to talks like this, he knew that. Plus, Amy had been prancing around him all evening and she had teased him with her kisses earlier. It was completely natural.
Yet he blushed as he looked back at her defiantly.
Her hand touched his whitened knuckles softly. He was extremely tense. Just her touch on his hand made his heart beat faster. She grasped his wrist, and turned him around. Sheldon leaned back against the counter.
He kept staring at her. Amy eyed him with curiosity, and she looked a tad insecure as well. She stepped in closer and leaned up at him. Sheldon's eyes closed automatically when her lips brushed against his. He kissed her back timidly, his breath harsh as he breathed out a breath he had been holding too long.
Amy's hands were on both of his, and she was keeping a certain distance between the two of them – was she afraid to touch him there? Sheldon's mind was a mess. Here he was, in her kitchen, in an obvious state of arousal and Amy wasn't showing him the door or running away screaming. Instead, she was kissing him sweetly. They had kissed before, and Sheldon was grateful that he at least knew what to expect from that.
It didn't help the situation in his pants however.
Amy pulled from his face after another lingering kiss. Her pupils were blown wide now. Sheldon tried to read her facial expression – he was terrible at that – to figure out what she was thinking about. Or how she felt about all this.
"Just stop me if you don't like it, okay?" she said.
Sheldon didn't know what she meant. He nodded anyway.
"Okay."
Amy blushed again, and her hands moved from his hands to his front. Her fingers shook as she unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants. Sheldon stared at her, his grip on the counter tightened.
His anxiety rose and rose as she lowered the zipper and her hand brushed against his erection through his briefs. He closed his eyes tightly. His heart was beating in a steady drum, making it hard to focus on what was happening.
Amy had pulled his pants open slightly, and her hand slipped into his briefs.
Sheldon gasped as she circled him with her hand.
Danger!
Her touch was feather light and hesitant. It almost tickled him. She seemed to be feeling her way around him; her fingers moved over his shaft, the head of his penis – Sheldon choked when she brushed her thumb there – and down towards his scrotum.
He opened his eyes to find Amy on her knees in front of him. She held his gaze and she took his member from out of his briefs. Sheldon exhaled slowly.
He knew what she was about to do, and if he was honest he was scared out of his mind. But he was also really curious. And so, so anxious-aroused. He didn't stop her.
Amy's eyes widened slightly as she looked at his member in her hand. He followed her gaze. In her tiny hands, he looked even bigger than when he held it himself. He watched her move her hand up and down him again, and he groaned lowly. He had never expected it to feel like this when someone else touched him so intimately.
Or maybe it was just because it was Amy touching him.
She looked up at him again, as if to see his reaction, and licked her lips.
Her eyes moved to his member, he was pulsing in her hand. And then, her lips were on him. Sheldon gasped for breath as he stared at her in fascination. She was licking him around the tip of his dick, wetting him with her lips and her tongue. He couldn't accurately describe the feeling.
Her hand pumped him again, stimulating his shaft as well, while her lips suckled on him.
"OH," he groaned.
Amy looked up at him, her eyes big and questioning. Very subtly, Sheldon pushed his hips towards her. Amy opened her mouth over him, and bobbed her head up and down the tip. Sheldon grunted again. Good Lord, this felt amazing.
She was salivating over him, he noticed, the wetness surrounded him as well as her tongue that kept moving in circles over the head of his dick, her lips going over the ridges as she moved.
He was in a dangerous state already, and she had barely done anything yet.
He didn't know the social protocol in situations as this; was he supposed to reciprocate? He couldn't. He hadn't read up on any of this; the book Leonard and Penny had given him had given him nightmares, and he had tried his hardest to forget everything he had read in there. Why, why had he done that? The panic was rising quickly – she would expect something of him in return for this, this incredible, stimulating - -
Sheldon gasped loudly at the sensations, his mind short-circuiting.
Amy was slowly taking him deeper and deeper in her mouth. No, her throat.
"Oh dear Lord," Sheldon exclaimed, his knees nearly gave out and he had to grasp onto the counter with both his hands more firmly in fear of falling to the ground.
He watched in fascination as Amy moved forward with determination. The sensitive tip of his dick had passed her uvula by now, and she had yet to gag around him. She didn't; just like she said she wouldn't.
Sheldon was breathing deeply. Her hand had been firmly wrapped around the base of his member the entire time, but she moved it to his thigh now, to make way for her mouth. Sheldon felt the tingles move from his balls to hardened penis, he was bumping against the back of her throat now, and Amy's nose almost brushed against his lower body.
The feel of the inside of her mouth was out of this world; hot and soft and slick with wetness. "Jesus, Amy," he muttered, at a loss for words.
Amy made a moaning sound around him, and the vibrations in her throat caused Sheldon to close his eyes in pleasure again. He was not going to last much longer.
He moaned aloud himself, and carefully pushed his hips forward – just a little bit – to see if he could go in even deeper. He could. Amy squeezed his thigh though, in a warning maybe – and he eased out of her mouth a little.
Amy's hand closed around him again, and she started to move her hand together with her mouth in a pumping motion, hollowing her cheeks as she went. Sheldon grunted – too good, it felt too good. He was going to lose it. Sweat gathered on his back, his hairline. The tingles increased, and his balls felt heavy with the upcoming release. Anxiety made his heart beat even faster than it already did.
He had to warn her. Otherwise she would still be there – on her knees, working him to completion this way. That couldn't have been her intention with this. Right?
Sheldon groaned – the sensations flowing through him, all of him; his veins, his limbs, gripping around his heart. He was physically unable to move her away. His anxiety increased even more. How could he make her stop? She had to stop. If she didn't, he would end up finishing in her mouth.
He would never forgive himself. He was rooted to the floor, his arms felt like lead, weighing him down. His hips kept moving though, ever so slightly forward and backwards in time with Amy's movements.
His gut coiled with anticipation and anxiety – so much anxiety now.
"Amy," he panted desperately. "Stop… You have to… If you don't stop, I'm going to - - "
She only sucked harder and squeezed him around the base with her hand, gripping him firmly. She moaned again – and Sheldon couldn't help stop himself any longer. He erupted in her mouth. His grip on the counter faltered; it took all he had in him not to fall down on his knees with the way his body seized and shook. His orgasm made him see stars, they burst behind his eyelids in time with the burst of cum that shot in Amy's waiting mouth. He trembled all over and gasped for breath.
Amy kept making sucking movements, and her tongue pushed up against the underside of his dick, making a swallowing motion against him. Sheldon didn't even notice.
He needed oxygen. He was gasping, shuddering still as Amy slowly moved away from him. Her hands trembled.
Sheldon's mind was completely blank. There was white noise in his ears. It was as if he was seeing the world clearly all of a sudden.
Everything made sense.
Positrons, magnetic monopoles, bosons. They appeared on the blank canvas that was his minds' eye.
"Amy," he breathed out. "Amy, get a pen. And paper. I figured it out."
He opened his eyes. Amy still kneeled in front of him, her hand wiping the corners of her mouth. Her brow was furrowed in confusion.
"Don't you get it?" Sheldon exclaimed, thrilled beyond imagination. "It has come to me when I least expected it after all! A theory of dark matter that doesn't make protons decay!"
END
A/N This one shot turned out to be such a crack fic. I loved writing it though; the banana comment was way too absurd to let this opportunity pass me by. And I love the idea of Amy bringing Sheldon to new highs as a way for him to advance in his studies.
I hope it made you laugh as well, we need a laugh in times like these.
Please let me know if you enjoyed this.
Next up: 10x24 The Long Distance Dissonance.
