"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Hush now, young one," said Beryl. "I'm writing my FF."
"FF?" questioned Jadeite.
Beryl sighed. "Fanfiction. You have a lot to learn."
"Ah!" said Jadeite. "What's it about?"
"Have you seen the American cartoon, The Amazing World of Gumball?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Jadeite. "I don't watch kiddie cartoons."
"Well, that would have nothing to do with you not watching The Amazing World of Gumball, since it's designed for all ages," said Beryl angrily.
"What channel is it on?" said Jed.
"Cartoon Network," scoffed Beryl.
"Adult Swim?" asked Jadeite hopefully.
"Well, no…" said Beryl. "But I don't need to explain myself to you!"
"Heh," chuckled Jadeite. "Kiddie show."
"Do you want an eternal boy?" asked Beryl.
"No," said Jed.
"Then I suggest you learn the value of my favorite show," stated Beryl. "Now be gone with you."
"Seeya," said Jeddo.
Jadeite hopped on the Negacomputer in the Negacomputer lounge.
"Time to write my fanfiction," he said.
Jadeite typed vigorously, and then finished his story.
"Bon appetite," he said. "Now to bother someone to read my story."
Jadeite roamed the Negaverse until he spotted an unlucky straggler.
"Ah, Zoisite!" said Jadeite. "Time to read my fanfiction!"
"No," said Zoisite. "I have better things to do than read your baby story."
"No," said Jadeite. "It wasn't a question."
Jadeite captured Zoisite, and sat him at a computer.
"Fine," said Zoisite. "You're lucky Kunzite's MIA today."
"Haha," said Jadeite. "Now get to reading, big boy."
"Grrr," said Zoisite.
Zoisite read slowly. "Hmm…" he said. "What is this?"
"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm glad you asked. It's a tragedy, and a hurt/comfort, about Blue's Clues, that takes place ten years after the final arc of the show."
"Ah, I remember Blue's Clues," said Zoisite. "But why would an adult man write a story about that?"
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "It's obviously written as a comedy. The real sad sacks are the people who write serious stories about it, or any other kids' show like Thomas the Tank Engine or Jimmy Neutron."
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "It seems like there's better things for those people to do with their time."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "How could a grown man write seriously about a show for younglings? My story is just like a satire."
"Now that you explained that, it is quite funny," admitted Zoisite. "I didn't know how to feel since it was apparently a tragedy but you were putting everything so bluntly, almost like you didn't care at all about the characters."
"Exactly," said Jed. "This is a story where they have to put down Blue because he gets rabies, and it spreads to all the other characters so they have to put them down too. They have to put down Magenta, and recycle the salt shakers, essentially killing them. I called it, Ol' Blue, as a reference to Ol' Yeller, since they both sound like colors."
"Wow," said Zoisite in awe. "Good one."
Zoisite continued to read a line out loud from Jadeite's story.
"'No, I want to live,' said Magenta. 'Sorry,' said Jimmy. 'But it's the way it has to be.' Magenta threw a headbutt, but the cruel vet spiked her to the ground. Then the vet threw a grenade, ending Magenta forever. 'WHHHYYYYY?!' cried Jimmy. 'I didn't want it to be this way!' The salt shaker got mad. 'This is your fault, Jimmy! You should have kept Blue on a leash and he wouldn't have got the rabies!' Jimmy was crying. 'Shut up!' yelled Jimmy. 'You talking object!' But the salt shaker was livid. It threw salt in Jimmy's eyes, but Jimmy smashed his hand down like a hammer, killing the salt shaker. 'That's bad luck,' said the vet. Jimmy threw a punch, but the vet deflected it, and tossed Jimmy across the room."
Zoisite stopped reading. "Good stuff," he said.
"Thanks," said Jadeite.
"Hey, it looks like you got a review," noticed Zoisite.
"Wow," said Jadeite. "Who actually reads this garbage?"
Jadeite read the review out loud. "Really excited to see where this goes, but this needs to be beta and more dialogue."
"Wait, what?" laughed Zoisite. "It needs to be better?"
"No," said Jadeite. "They said it needs to be beta."
"What does that mean?" asked Zoisite.
"I haven't the slightest clue," said Jadeite. "I'm actually deeply confused. It needs to be… beta?"
"Like a beta reader?" pondered Zoisite.
"No," said Jadeite. "They would have said beta reader if they meant that, or they would have said, 'this needs A beta.' Or 'this needs beta' if they were a bit poor at English. But 'this needs to BE beta?' It doesn't even make sense."
"Why is this young boy here looking for serious Blue's Clues tragedies?" asked Zoisite. "Why is he looking through the Blue's Clues section in general?"
"I don't know," said Jadeite. "There's obviously something very wrong with him. But I can't shake the feeling that I need to be beta."
"Just remove that foolish man's comment," scoffed Zoisite.
"Sadly, you can't," said Jadeite. "Fanfiction is a site for people who can't write to criticize others, and if you have an account, which all you need is an email for, you can basically spam people."
"I don't understand why people write mean reviews," said Zoisite. "Why do you need to make some kid feel bad about their writing? Just don't read the story, or maybe get a life somehow."
"Amen, my son," said Jadeite. "But you can't be taken seriously with your criticism if you're reading a Jimmy Neutron fanfiction, because obviously you're some kind of man-child, like anyone over the age of eight who watches the show Clarence."
"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I once visited the Clarence Wiki Reddit out of curiosity, and was shocked to learn that there were grown men who discuss episodes about this mentally… er, handicapped child. Like who has the time of day?!"
"Sick world we live in," said Jadeite. "Hey, one time someone left 20 spam messages on one of my fanfictions in gibberish, and I reported them but they weren't removed because fanfiction seems to always favor the commentor over the writer, even if the commentor can't even produce literate sentences."
"Sad," said Zoisite. "It should be like YouTube, where you can just remove comments on your own work since there's really no point in having negative comments anyway, especially from the illiterate."
"Well, I have a lot of thinking to do, wee one," said Jadeite. "Since I can't delete the comment, I must uncover its meaning. Farewell."
"Good luck," said Zoisite.
Jadeite paced the halls.
"This needs to be beta," Jadeite repeated. "Is he saying it's so good that I should become a beta? Or is he perhaps suggesting I should get a beta reader? No, that can't be it. The grammar is just too far gone."
Jadeite continued to roam and ponder for many hours on end.
"This needs to be beta," Jadeite said once more.
"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "What are you doing in my house!? Are you just pacing my hall?"
"Quiet," said Jadeite. "I'm thinking. Go to your vending machine, old guy."
Jadeite tossed Nephrite his wallet.
"Maybe I will," said Nephrite angrily.
Nephrite left.
Jadeite left.
Jadeite decided it was time to beta.
After much consideration, Jadeite hired a beta reader.
"It can't hurt," he said.
"Hello," said Motoki. "I will be your beta reader. Please send me all your stories before you upload them."
"Thanks!" said Jadeite. "Here's my first 200 chapters."
"Sorry," said the beta. "Only one a day, please."
"Grrrr," said Jadeite. "Fine."
Jadeite sent Motoki chapter 1.
"Alright," said Motoki. "Hopefully I'll get to that in a week from now."
Motoki fled.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," said Jadeite.
A week passed, and Motoki returned Jed's story.
"Ah," said Jed. "It's perfect, right?"
Motoki shook his head, but Jadeite could not see this over the computer screen.
"Sorry, but you have a long way to go," said Motoki.
"No?" said Jadeite. "This Blue's Clues story is just your typical tragedy."
"Hmm," said Motoki. "I'm inclined to believe what you say, but the overall tone of the story suggests otherwise. You seem to have no empathy in your writing, and the majority of the story is short sentences. It's almost like you're trying to be comical over things that none should laugh about."
"Wait," said Jadeite. "You think Blue getting put down is comical?"
"Heavens no," said Motoki. "And I believe you don't either. But your primitive writing style may come across to some readers as sarcastic, or cruel. I suggest more dialogue, and perhaps some first person narratives to really let the reader feel for the character."
"Alright, I'll take your suggestions into consideration during the final draft," said Jadeite.
"Mmmm," said Motoki. "I'd suggest in the scene where Magenta tries to headbutt the vet, that it perhaps be removed, or have a lot more detail added. The way in which it was written seems very silly, and almost like you're purposely trying to make it silly."
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I'm just writing a tragedy. You're just reading it wrong because you're a heartless man."
"Ouch," said Motoki. "I just think that for as sad as this scene truly is, especially with a character we've all come to love so much from the canon material, that you brush over it a little too quickly. You should really express Magenta's desperate attempts to cling to life in a serious and dark manner, with mature vocabulary. What if, instead of throwing a headbutt, she gets down on her knees and prays?"
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But I'm the author here. You're just beta. I'll write this however I want."
"As you wish," said Motoki. "But just know that I'm a trusted staff on the fanfiction website. You should take my suggestions seriously, because I've beta'd many stories."
"Ah!" said Jadeite. "Do you have a degree in beta?"
"No," said Motoki. "Just a lot of experience."
"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Sounds like you just have a lot of time on your hands, if you're going around reading Jimmy Neutron fanfictions. You man-child."
"Huh?" said Motoki.
Jadeite closed the chat, and posted his chapter.
"Jadeite," said Kunzite himself, knocking on Jadeite's wall.
"Ah, what brings you here?" asked Jadeite. "Frankly I didn't know you knew I existed."
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "There's a man on the computer who keeps spamming your Discord server, asking for your next chapter."
"Ah," said Jadeite. "That's just my beta. My chapter is on the desktop of the 4th Negacomputer, just send that to the guy and tell him to post it when he's done."
"Alright," said Kunzite.
"And," said Jadeite. "Remind him not to make any changes without asking me."
"Right," said Kunzite.
Kunzite headed back to the lounge.
Endymion was sitting at the computer Kunzite had been on, even though there were 10 empty computers.
"Jerk," said Kunzite.
He walked over to the beta, Motoki.
"Here you go," he said. "Jadeite said not to make any changes."
"Can do!" said Motoki. "I'll just make minor grammar fixes!"
"Okay," said Kunzite.
Kunzite left.
Jadeite checked the reviews for his story.
There was one new one.
"Wow!" it said. "Your story has matured greatly, and I shed three tears whilest reading. I'm glad this became beta."
Jadeite reported the comment despite knowing it wouldn't help.
"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm glad this commentor figured out that I'm completely serious during the story, and truly writing a sad tragedy."
He went to reread his chapter, but something was off.
"NO!" said Jadeite. "What is this?! This is so serious! This was supposed to be a joke! Now a bunch of weird man children will think this is an actual tragedy!"
Jadeite stormed onto his Discord channel.
"Stop posting memes," he told some rowdy internet boys.
Then Jed took to his DM's.
"Hey!" he messaged Motoki. "What did you do to my story, you punk!?"
"Oh, I just fixed it up a bit," said Motoki. "Made it sound more tragic and improved the writing style."
"You idiot!" said Jadeite. "It's not supposed to be tragic! It's supposed to be a comedy!"
"Ah," said Motoki. "Then you should have put the comedy tag."
"No!" said Jadeite. "That's the joke! It's a jab at people looking for serious tragedies!"
"I wish I hadn't heard that," said Motoki. "It is not right to misuse genres. You could get your story removed that way! Also, I noticed you marked your story as K+, however, there are some mature scenes and adult topics. I switched it to M for you."
"What?! NO!" said Jadeite. "M stories don't come up unless you change the filters! And only pervs do that! Also, my story can't get taken down for putting the wrong genre, since you can't prove that I didn't write it as a tragedy!"
"Screenshotted," said queer Motoki.
"Also," ranted Jadeite. "You took out the scene where Paprika spills herself out to end her life, and just replaced it with Paprika learning to cope in a 40 paragraph internal monologue!"
"Ah," said Motoki. "The way you phrased it as, 'Took her own life by shaking herself out like one would shake out a paprika shaker if the paprika had gone bad,' completely ruined the tone of the story."
"It's MYYY story!" yelled Jadeite. "If there's two things I hate in this world, it's altering masterpieces, and young boys posting memes not in the memes channel! Because I'm a big Discord stickler with nothing better to do than boss around young boys who for some reason can't find another channel that lets them post memes wherever!"
"I'm sorry," said Motoki, after it said he had been typing for 2 minutes, yet he only typed two words. "But I cannot work under these conditions. I suggest you get a new beta, one who does not care about the quality of the story."
"I'll get YOU a new beta!" yelled Jadeite. "A beta to bury you once I spill you out like a paprika shaker but instead of paprika it's your organs!"
"Yes!" said Motoki. "This is how you should write your stories! With this much emotion!"
Jadeite blocked Motoki, and hired a new beta, this time a beta team.
Jadeite sat down with the team in the Shitennou meeting room.
"Hello, beta team," said Jadeite. "I am your alpha, and here is the next chapter for my Blue's Clues tragedy."
"Hey," said Melvin. "Did you hear someone actually fired their beta? It's unheard of!"
"Yeah," said Jadeite. "I'm the one who did it."
Melvin gasped, and there were a couple other collective gasps.
"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I won't have to fire you if you behave like a proper beta, and don't alter my work in any way except minor errors and suggestions I won't take."
"Right," vowed Motoki's sister.
"Let's see the story!" said Grandpa.
Jadeite handed everyone a copy of the printed out story.
"Hmm," said Kenji eating toast. "Excellent tale. Very funny."
"Wait a second," said Melvin. "I thought this was a tragedy."
"It is," said Jadeite.
"No," said Melvin. "This clearly has a sarcastic tone throughout. Do you take me for a fool?"
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I just don't like writing big sentences. I like to give the truth head-on, and leave it to the audience to imagine the details."
"I don't know about that," said Melvin, reexamining the story.
"This line here," said Ami Mizuno. "And I quote, 'Then the mailbox did a flyby, grabbing Jimbo by the arms and sending him through a wall. He battered Jimmy Jim until he was just a carcass, but Jimmy's OC son ran in, who was also named Jimmy, and took out a bat and broke the mailbox, disposing of him like one would dispose of trash. 'I'll be the new Jimmy,' said Jimmy. But that's when he died of a heart attack, ending the family line. 'Ayroooouuuuu!' yelled Jimbo in anguish. He entered the spirit realm like one would enter a carnival ride that they were a little spooked of riding, and there he was reunited with Blue. 'Blue!' said Jimmy with glee. 'I'm glad you will be by my side once more!' Blue threw a leaping kick, and then threw a double overhead mallet punch with his two sets of legs, leaving a BLUE CLUE on Jimmy's corpse. 'L L L L,' scoffed Blue. 'Dumb shitter.'"
Ami stopped reading.
"That was more than a line," said Jadeite. "And what is your point, young one?"
"I mean," said Ami. "Do I really need to elaborate? Just listen to that!"
"Yes, you do," said Jadeite. "You are beta."
Ami began to elaborate, but Jadeite fired her mid-elaboration.
"NOOOOOO!" cried Ami. She pulled out a knife and let her life slip down the drain like someone rinsing their mouth with mouthwash.
"This is good," said Shingle reading the story and laughing.
"Thank you," said Jadeite. "See, a boy your age is the only person it would make sense to be reading a Blue's Clues story."
"Shut up," said Shingle. "I'm a big kid."
"Wrong," said Jadeite. "Then you wouldn't be reading Blue's Clues fanfiction."
"I'm just a beta, okay?" said Shingle.
"This story needs more toast," said Kenji randomly. "How about Jimmy eats one after he gets to the great beyond?"
"Good suggestion," said Jadeite. "I wish all the others on the team would make suggestions like you."
"I have a suggestion," said Motoki's sister. "What if you add some romance, perhaps between Blue and Magenta?"
"They are dead," said Jadeite. "No romance."
"I know," said Motoki's sister. "But I was thinking something Romeo and Juliet-esque, before they die."
"No," said Jadeite. "They're just dogs."
"But-!" said Motoki's sister.
"Next," said Jadeite.
"Well," said Ms. Haruna. "Being a teacher, there were a lot of spelling errors here. So I fixed them."
"Good work, beta goon," said Jadeite. "That's the only thing your kind is good for."
Jadeite finished uploading all of his chapters within the next few weeks.
He waited anxiously for reviews but they were all spam and salty kids with too much time on their hands.
Jadeite reported them all, and then shut down his own fanfiction account.
"I can't take the criticism," he decided. "Too harsh here. Time to go to Wattpad."
FIN
