"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

That's when young Zoisite appeared.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "It's time."

"Right," said Jadeite.

He left.

"Hey!" said Queen Beryl, but all she heard in response was her echo.


Zoisite and Jadeite sat down at the Negatelevision in the Negarec room.

They booted up the Game Cube and turned on Mario Power Tennis.

"Nintendo!" said Wario.

"Camelot!" chanted Jadeite with Waluigi. "I'm so pumped to play some tennis!"

"Me too," said Zoisite. "I've been working on a technique. I easily cleared the Rainbow Cup and the two consecutive cups using this master technique."

"Yeah, okay," said Jadeite. "But I know an amateur like you could never beat the Globe Cup."

"I did," said Zoisite. "In less than five minutes."

Jadeite just laughed. "It's not good to lie all the time," he chuckled.

They got to the character selection, and Jadeite flew over to Parakoopa.

"Got 'em!" he said. "Nice try!"

"Shoot," said Zoisite. "I guess I'll settle for Diddy."

Zoisite selected Diddy Kong.

"Come on!" said Diddy Kong.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "Apes can't talk."

"Chimps," corrected Zoisite. "He has a tail."

"Whatever," said Jadeite. "Let's play ball!"

They selected the classic court, with no gimmicks.

They put it on 20 sets, because this was a tournament to end all tournaments.

Zoisite had first serve.

He began pressing all the right buttons, and so did Jadeite.

That's when Zoisite pressed B and then A, to hit a ball that barely made it over the net.

Jadeite was forced to run up to the net, and charge up his swing.

But Zoisite ran over to the net too, and instantly deflected the ball far to the side, in an impossible to defeat maneuver.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "Well, beginner's luck I suppose."

Jadeite served the ball, and Zoisite hit it so it barely went over the net.

With no choice, Jadeite ran up to the net.

Meanwhile, Zoisite threw a taunt, and Diddy lounged on the ground and said, "Come on!"

"Alright now," said Jadeite. "Watch it."

Zoisite ran up to the net and tossed the returning ball out of Jed's reach.

"Damn!" said Jadeite. "If I could just get a star move!"

It was Zoisite's turn to serve, and he served the ball as a regular serve since he can't do any special moves.

Then he did 12 taunts in a row as Jadeite hit the ball back.

"Come on! Come on! Come on!"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "Don't make me turn the volume off."

Zoisite hit B and then A, and the ball went barely over the net.

"nooOOOO!" said Jadeite.

Zoisite quickly dashed to the net, and deflected it far away as Jadeite hit it back.

Jadeite was starting to get heated as the set went to Zoisite.

He clenched his fist.

Zoisite tossed the ball to him, and started rapid clicking the A button.

"Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!"

"Stupid chimp!" screamed Jadeite.

Zoisite decided to toy with Jadeite, and hit the ball back regularly.

"Good," said Jadeite. "You can't exploit the exploit forever."

But that's when, on the second toss, Zoisite tossed another exploit, and followed it with three frame perfect taunts before it displayed the score.

"Stop that!" said Jadeite. "You know, it's not fun to play with you if you're not going to play regularly. I want to see what my star attack is!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "But now that I know the move, I don't think I can stop using it. I just plowed through the computers like this."

"Developer oversight!" screamed Jadeite.

Zoisite won the next set, and then served the ball.

"Come on!" screamed Jadeite overtop Diddy's taunt. "Where is my star move?!"

Zoisite hit the ball close to the net, and Jadeite just let it bounce.

"15-love," said the game.

"Zoisite," said Jadeite. "If you do that one more time, it's going to be over."

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite.

He hit the ball close to the net, and Jadeite ran up to hit it back.

Zoisite had been in the back of his court, but suddenly ran to the front and hit the ball far out of Jadeite's reach.

Zoisite laughed. "Eeeeeeasssssy!" he said.

Jadeite turned to Zoisite, and suddenly tackled him to the ground.

He balled both his fists up into one mighty fist and started hammering Zoisite's face.

"Stop!" cried Zoisite, starting to cry. "You're gonna kill me! I was just goofing around!"

Jadeite sent a wave of blows, followed by a barrage.

Zoisite's heart gave out as Jadeite delivered more blows than he could receive.

"Why…" said Zoisite. "Why didn't you just throw a pop-up? It would have stopped me from using the move as it would have hit the ball over my head when I was close to the net!"

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "What button was that?!"

Zoisite died.

Jadeite looked through the controls.

"Oh," he said. "A and then B. Who would have guessed? Ah!" he said. "And B and A is to hit the ball close to the net!"

Just for the heck of it, Jadeite went through the tournament easily just to see Wiggler's victory dance.

"Man, this combo is great!" said Jadeite. "I can't believe it beats the computers every time!"

Jadeite unlocked the Ace difficultly from his great win, and challenged an Ace computer player just to abuse the move on the greatest opponents.

However, the Ace computer player did not fall for it and threw a pop-up.

"No!" said Jadeite. "If the AI can defeat it, why would they not have them do it in the tournament? Sad!"

Jadeite turned off the Game Cube.

"Let's play Mario Party," he told Zoisite.

But Zoisite was gone. Deceased.

"Oooh," said Jadeite. "I guess I did rage a little bit there."

Suddenly the Negarec center room door flung open.

"Hey Jadeite," said Kunzite. "Have you seen Zoisite around? I thought he was coming here to play Mario Tennis with you."

"Errr… no," said Jadeite. "He was a no show."

"Ah," said Kunzite. "Well, if you run into him, please tell him I'm looking for him."

"Will do!" said Jadeite.

He waited for Kunzite to leave, and then let out a sigh of relief.

"I have to hide the body," he decided.

"Hey," thought Jadeite. "Why didn't Zoisite turn into energy like the others? Hmm… this isn't good."

Jadeite had no choice but to drag Zoisite down the hall to dispose of him into the Arctic Ocean.

He passed the soda machine and hoped no one would spot him.

"Hey," said Nephrite.

"Shoot!" said Jadeite.

"Jadeite, did you kill Zoisite?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite. "Zoisite passed out from uh… you know…"

"Good work," said Nephrite. "I didn't like Zoisite. But I'd steer clear from Kunzite. He won't be too thrilled."

"Got it," said Jadeite.

"Oh," said Nephrite. "You should probably use a garbage bag when you're dragging around a corpse. If Kunzite made his rare yearly visit to the soda machine right now, you'd be no more."

"Good idea," said Jadeite.

He put Zoisite in a garbage bag and tied the knot.

"Seeya!" he said.

"Mmmmm," said Nephrite. "Jadeite's a good man."

"Ah, Jadeite," said Beryl as Jed continued down the hall.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "Good thing I put this guy in a garbage bag."

"What are you dragging?" asked Beryl. "That's a big garbage bag."

"Hmmmmm," thought Jadeite. "The obvious answer would be garbage, but that'd be too suspicious."

"It's my laundry," said Jadeite.

"In a garbage bag?" asked Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "What else would I put it in?"

"I don't know," said Beryl. "A laundry hamper?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I can't afford that with the salary you pay me."

"Alright," said Beryl. "Catch you later."

"Goodbye!" said Jadeite.

As Jadeite started to walk away, Beryl turned around.

"Hmm," she said. "Jadeite, what's really in that bag?"

"What do you mean?" said Jadeite.

"Well," said Beryl. "The obvious answer would be garbage, however you're an odd fellow and it can't be that simple. So it would be too suspicious if you said that."

"I told you," said Jed. "Laundry."

"Is laundry that heavy that you wouldn't just hold it in your arms?" asked Beryl.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "He is pretty light."

"Who's he?" said Beryl.

Jadeite froze in his place. "My… goldfish. I have to flush him into the Arctic Ocean so the other fishes can partake in the food chain."

"Your goldfish," said Beryl. "In a garbage bag."

"No, I said steamed HAMS," said Jadeite. "MmmmMMm! Steamed hams!" he said rubbing his stomach.

Beryl narrowed her eyes.

Jadeite fled.

But that's when he spotted Beryl chasing after him like an Olympic sprinter.

"Aaaaahhh!" cried Jadeite. "What do you want?!"

Beryl chased him all the way out into the North Pole and kept on him as he ran.

"Why?!" screamed Jadeite. "Leave me alone!"

Beryl was relentless, and chased him without saying a word, despite Jed's many questions.

"What is this?!" repeated Jadeite for the tenth time.

Finally they reached the ocean.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" shouted Beryl. "What is in the bag?! I'm just curious, honestly! It's eating me up!"

Jadeite leapt in the ocean with the bag.

"Wooo," he said. "Chilly. It feels like I'm about to take an eternal sleep."

He swam towards the bottom of the ocean.

"That oughtta ditch that Beryl!"

But he looked up, and saw Beryl riding in on an Arctic seal.

"NOOO!" said Jadeite. "Isn't your gown expensive?!"

Beryl opened her mouth but only gurgles and bubbles came out.

The seal closed in on the bag, and started chomping its teeth to try to get it open.

Jadeite had no choice but to shoot lightning out of his palms.

The water multiplied the power of the attack, and Beryl was turned to dust.

"Oops," said Jadeite. "Metalia's not gonna like this."

Jadeite fed the bag to the seal and then teleported to his dark space.

He dried himself off and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Phew, at least there's nothing linking me to any of those murders. Well, Nephrite knows I killed Zoisite, but he's got my back."

With nothing else to do, Jadeite turned on Clicker Hero.

"Mmmm," he said. "My heroes have been working hard during my absence. Time to transcend!"

But that's when there was a knock on the door.

Jadeite panicked and hid under his bed.

Kunzite opened the door.

"Jadeite," he said. "Zoisite hasn't returned home for two weeks, and whenever I go to Beryl's throne room she's not there."

"No one said murder!" said Jadeite.

"You're right," said Kunzite. "I did not say murder. But now you've got me concerned."

Kunzite lifted the bed, and Jadeite was in fetal position.

Kunzite grabbed Jed's neck, and threw him into a wall.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "There's no walls here!"

"Shut up," said Kunzite. "Where's Zoiboy?"

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I told you. The last I heard from him was when we were going to play Mario Tennis, but he never showed up!"

"Hmmmm," said Kunzite. "It sounds like you know something. Zoisite would never miss a Mario Tennis tournament, and I believe he could hold off any feral Youma that attacks him."

"Maybe it was Beryl," said Jed. "And that's why she's absent. She doesn't want to be destroyed."

"That would explain things," said Kunzite. "However, everyone knows Beryl cannot get off her throne. So it's impossible for her to hunt down Zoisite. Now, perhaps Zoisite made the mistake of going to Beryl's throne room, but however, he would definitely wait until after the tennis game."

"Wow," said Jadeite. "It's a true mystery. Too bad there's no Sherlock Holmes Youma."

"Hmmmmm," said Kunzite. "We know it wasn't you, since you're too foolish to successfully pull off a murder and hide the evidence. And we know it's not Beryl or Metalia, because they're immobile. Now who in the Negaverse hates Zoisite, and has a motive to destroy him?"

"Not me," said Jed. "I love Zoisite. My favorite guy in fact, despite the fact that he makes fun of me and uses my name like a derogatory term."

"You're right," said Kunzite. "You have no motive. So that leaves…"

Kunzite teleported away.

Jadeite gasped, and headed to the soda machine.

When he got there, there were signs that Nephrite didn't put up much of a fight, and he was in fact dead.

"NOOOOO!" said Jadeite. "I didn't want this!"

"Sadly it had to be," said Kunzite. "But it's odd though. He seemed confused when I arrived, and right before I obliterated him and accused him of killing Zoisite, he said that it was you. But that was clearly just him attempting to escape death."

"Yes," said Jadeite, looking a bit green in the gills.

"What a darn shame," said Jed.

"Well, come on then," said Kunzite.

"Where are we going?" asked Jed.

"To Metalia's chambers," said Kunzite. "I'm going to ask her to revive Zoisite."

"Ah, good idea," said Jed.

He didn't think much of it, but when they got to Metalia's pod, Jadeite started to get cold feet. He realized if Zoisite was revived, he'd tell Kunzite who killed him.

"I gotta get out of here!" he said.

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"Shut up," said Jadeite.

"Wait, you two," said Metalia. "Have you seen Beryl?"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I forgot. Where's Beryl?"

"She died," said Metalia. "I sensed her life force drop to zero. She was chasing someone into the Arctic Ocean, and then her existence was taken from her in one foul blow."

"Grrr," said Kunzite. "If I find who did this, he will pay."

"Hmmm," said Jadeite. "Maybe it was Nephrite too. I knew that guy was a lunatic!"

"No," said Kunzite. "Everyone knows Nephrite stays at his soda machine at least 18 hours a day. He wouldn't have enough time to kill both Zoisite and Beryl. I suspect there's another killer out there."

"Hmmm," said Jadeite. "There's not many options. Maybe Zoisite killed Beryl!"

"No," said Kunzite. "Zoisite couldn't take Beryl in a fight. Especially when she's equipped with her ball. Without her ball would be a different story."

"Heh heh," said Jadeite, trying to flee. But then he got angry.

"Wait a minute, I know who did this!" cried Jed. "It must have been Kunzite! Classic twist ending, the guy looking for the killer was the killer!"

"You're right," said Metalia. "I knew Kunzite was a slippery snake."

"What?!" said Kunzite.

"Yes, it all makes sense," said Metalia. "Kunzite's still salty about that first time Beryl killed Zoisite, and then thought she did it again this time. But everyone knows it was Jadeite who killed Zoisite."

"What?!" cried Kunzite.

Kunzite was ended by Metalia.

"He thought he was going to get away with it, too," scoffed Metalia. "What a monster."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Maybe you should just revive Nephrite and them because they were innocent."

"No," said Metalia. "I'm going to revive Beryl."

"NO!" said Jadeite.

Beryl was reborn.

"Hey!" said Beryl. "Jadeite, why'd you kill me?!"

"What?!" said Metalia.

"Eh… I can explain!" said Jadeite. "It was a spiral, I tell you! Typical trope where things snowball!"

"The only snowball," said Beryl. "Is the one I'm going to throw you in after I dispose of your body! Sleep forever!"

Jadeite had no choice but to grab Beryl by the head, and slam her into Metalia's pod.

Metalia exploded like a nuclear bomb, and Beryl was no more.

Metalia, though, still had 1% life force, and charged Jed as a small collection of particles.

Jadeite grabbed her in his fist, and then closed his fist.

"Goodbye," said Jadeite.

When Jadeite thought it was all over, he saw one stray Metalia particle.

"I'll finish you off too!" he called.

That's when the Metalia particle gave its last bit of energy to revive Kunzite, to get some justice.

Metalia died, forever.

Kunzite was bloodlusted, and leaped at Jadeite like a wild cougar.

"AAHHHH!" screamed Jadeite.

He created a portal, and Kunzite flew through it.

Jadeite took off running on foot.

Kunzite created his own portal, and appeared in front of Jed.

"Any last words?!" said Kunzite.

Jadeite teleported away.

"Shoot!" said Kunzite. "I should have just sniped him!"


Jadeite found shelter in the apartment of Mamoru Chiba.

"Hello," said Jadeite. "Mind if I hide out here for a while?"

"No," said Mamoru.

Jadeite came in.

"Who are you hiding from?" asked Chiba.

"Kunzite," said Jadeite.

"Ah," said Chiba. "Good. I'd do anything I can to hurt that guy."

"Why?" asked Jadeite. "What's your beef with him?"

"You have a lot to learn," said Chiba.

"Say," said Jadeite. "Do you have a Game Cube by chance?"

"No," said Chiba. "Only a Wii."

"Good," said Jadeite. "That will do."

He pulled Mario Tennis out of his pocket, and began playing on Mamoru's huge TV.

"Hey," said Mamoru Chiba. "Can I take a spin?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I gotta unlock all the characters cuz my memory card is gone."

"Come on, let's play an exhibition!" said Chiba.

"Sorry," said Jed. "I can't play a game unless all the characters are unlocked."

Chiba sighed, and sat on his couch and watched as Jadeite unlocked all the characters.

"Nice exploit," said Chiba.

"Thanks," said Jadeite. "I learned it today."

"Alright," said Chiba. "Let's play."

"Sorry," said Jed. "I'm done with tennis. Let's play some Mario Golf."

"Errr, alright," said Mamoru.

Jadeite reached in his other pocket and pulled out Mario Golf, Toadstool Tour.

He put the game in.

Mamoru tossed Jadeite a Game Cube controller. "Plug me in," he said.

"Sorry," said Jed. "I can't play a game until I unlock all the characters. And I don't have my memory card."

Jed completed the ring challenge, and unlocked Shadow Mario.

"Good start," said Jed.

Next he moved on to the birdie challenge, and beat the front nine and back nine.

But then he got to the full 18, and it was just too tough.

He spent two hours on it trying again and again.

"Stupid wind!" he said.

"Come on," said Chiba. "Let's just play."

"No," said Jed. "I can't play unless we have Bowser Jr."

"You won't even play as him," said Mamoru Chiba.

"I know," said Jed. "But I need the option."

Jadeite lost again on the 18th hole because of wind.

"Ooooh," said Chiba. "Tough luck. Can I take a spin at it?"

Jadeite threw a punch.

Chiba's heart gave out, and he turned to dust.

"Shoot," said Jed.

The police showed up right as Jed got back to the 18th hole.

They knocked on the door, and while that wasn't the reason Jadeite missed his shot, he convinced himself it was.

A gust of wind flew by, and Jed's ball went flying off the trees.

"NOOOO!" said Jadeite. "Why are we playing golf in the trees?!"

The police banged again, and Jadeite unfortunately had to eliminate them.

But that just caused more threat, and Jadeite was soon a 5-star Colonel like a GTA game gone bad.

The military tore down the apartment complex with a nuclear bomb.

"Not again!" called the citizens of Japan.

Jadeite took to the skies, but ten fighter jets were on him.

They shot a scattered barrage of bullets, but Jadeite was like Superman and dodged them.

That's when Kunzite appeared.

"AHA!" he said. "I knew it was you when I heard reports of a man killing police like a GTA game gone bad!"

Jadeite leapt in a portal, but a fighter jet flew in too.

Jadeite was in his dark space when a fighter jet flew straight for him.

Right when it looked like it was about to hit him, Jadeite controlled it with his mind and threw it.

Sadly there were no walls in the dark space, so it kept flying forever like it was in regular space.

"I wonder what's out there," said Jadeite. "I should take an adventure someday."

Then Jadeite remembered the biggest threat.

"That Kunzite…" he thought. "It's surprisingly taking him long to know I'd come here. But he's clearly not the smartest man, so I have time to set up a trap."


Kunzite teleported to Jadeite's dark space 30 minutes later.

"I knew I should have checked here first," he said.

But that's when he fell into a portal and came out the other end in the core of the sun.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite.

He was no more.

"Yatta!" said Jadeite.

FIN