"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Ok," said Queen Beryl. "Am I right to assume you'll actually tell me the source this time?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "The humans have these things called, 'Farms,' where they harvest primary producers and sell them to consumers."
"Mmmm," said Beryl. "But how does energy fit in?"
"Well," said Jadeite with a triumphant grin. "My Youmas have succeeded in genetically modifying corn so that it steals energy once it is consumed."
"Nice!" said Beryl. "But I thought you killed all the Youmas?"
"No," said Jadeite. "I found some hiding under a rock. They're dead now though."
"Sad," said Beryl. "However, you know nothing of running a farm."
Jadeite laughed. "How hard can it be?"
"Very hard," said Beryl. "There are many things you need to know, and a lot of energy and work needs to be put in to maintain it."
"Hmm, that's not good. We're trying to get energy, not lose energy," considered Jadeite.
"No," said Beryl. "I mean the actual kind of energy. You know, work."
"Yikes," said Jadeite. "I hate doing that. But the plan must go on."
"Alright," said Beryl. "But first you should watch a documentary about farms, so you at least have an idea before you go ahead and spawn a farm."
"Alright," said Jadeite. "Have any suggestions?"
Beryl pulled up Safari on her crystal ball.
"Apple client," said Jadeite. "Nice."
"Shut up," said Beryl. "I sensed a hint of sarcasm there."
Queen Beryl typed for a long time.
"Try this one," she said at last. "It's called, Food Inc."
Jadeite shrugged. "How long is it?"
"Long," said Beryl.
"Shoot," said Jadeite. "There goes my evening of watching Clannad."
"Too bad," said Beryl. "You picked this scheme, so you have to deal with the consequences."
"No," said Jadeite. "You made the consequences by making me watch a documentary."
"If you don't watch this, your farm will go under faster than you build it. You'll finish hoeing half the land, and the other half will be sunken into the earth, never to return."
"Geez," said Jadeite. "Alright. I will watch the documentary, but I will take no enjoyment out of it and in fact I won't even pay attention. I might even have Clannad up on a small window."
"It's a sad world where people watch Clannad," said Beryl.
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "It's an emotional anime."
"Queen Beryl," said Nephrite. "Don't you agree that I should be the leader of the Shitennou? Under Kunzite's leadership, we have gotten 0.0 drops of energy."
"Huh?" said Beryl. "What are you talking about?"
"I think he's saying he wants that eternal sleep thing you always talk about," said Zoisite.
"No, listen," said Nephrite. "It's my time in the spotlight. Yes?"
"That's not a valid point," said Beryl. "I'm open to having an election, or having a term limit on Kunzite's tenure, but I don't think you'll win with such an empty campaign message."
"No term limit!" cried Kunzite. "It's been over 1,000 years! That means Nephrite's term would have to be just as long!"
"Kunzite, shut up!" said Zoisite. "Don't say that! There's no chance Nephrite will win, and if he does, I think we should push for only a one year term!"
"One year term?" scoffed Nephrite. "That's not long enough to get anything accomplished."
"What would be your first order of business?" sneered Zoisite. "Another soda machine?"
"No," said Nephrite. "It would be repairing the soda machine we already have, and replacing it with a high technical one. One where it always accepts your dollar on the first run, and even accepts it upside-down."
"That is a load of barnacles," said Kunzite.
"STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" yelled Jadeite, sprinting in in a frenzy.
Everyone stopped what they were doing, and were all ears.
Jadeite had two large posters, as well as a white T-shirt, all which read various lines such as "Free the Hogs!" and "Down with slaughterhouses!"
The Shitennou waited, but Jadeite didn't say anything. Almost like he was waiting to be egged on, despite silencing everyone.
Nephrite sighed, and decided to step up to the plate. "What's with the get-up?" he said at last.
"I'm glad you asked," said Jadeite. "Do you know what happens at farms?!"
"They harvest food?" figured Kunzite.
"Hardly," said Jadeite. "They slaughter hogs. Mercilessly!"
"Yes, Jadeite," said Beryl. "That's what they do. That's why I told you to watch that video. Because you didn't know anything about farming."
"No!" said Jadeite. "I knew about that! But you would not believe their living conditions!"
He held up a photo of over 100 hogs in a 10 ft by 10 ft pen.
"Loook!" said Jadeite. "LOOOOOK!"
Nephrite put his hand on his chin. "That's a lot of hogs," he said.
"Yes," said Jadeite.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Beryl, did you show Jadeite Food Inc.?"
"Yes," said Beryl. "I thought it was just a documentary about the farming business. But apparently it's something about activism."
"Wait, I have more pictures," said Jadeite.
He pulled out another picture, and it was a hog eating.
"What does that prove?" asked Kunzite.
"Do you see what it is eating?" said Jadeite. "CORN!"
"So?" said Zoisite. "This is your least compelling point yet."
"No, listen!" said Jadeite. "Hogs do not naturally eat corn! But humankind had forced them to, because it saves them money since they're growing the corn there for corn syrup!"
"Wow," said Beryl. "How cruel."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "It's time to shut down Food Inc. for their cruel practices."
"Listen, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Food Inc. is not a real place. It's just the name of the documentary about an incredibly large-scale industry. I understand what you're saying. But we cannot stop a place that does not exist."
Jadeite shook his head. "You don't care about the pigs, do you Zoi Boy? I wish I could be like you, not caring about the 100 hogs in the 10 ft cage."
"Aren't there other animals there too, like cows?" said Nephrite.
"Naive boy," Jed said. "All I care about is the hogs. They are all that matters. So will you join me in stopping Food Inc., or not?"
Zoisite shrugged. "I'm down. I want to see where this goes."
"Hmmm," said Nephrite. "I suppose I can tag along."
"Kunzite, are you in on Jadeite's mythological adventure?" asked Zoisite.
"Hmmmmmmmm," said Kunzite. "Let me check me schedule."
Kunzite apparently did not have a scheduling book, so after five minutes he nodded. "I guess I can fit some room in in my busy day."
"Alright," said Jadeite. "Let's go."
The Shitennou showed up at Food Inc.
"This is where nightmares are created," said Jadeite. "The things you are about to see are not to be unseen."
"Wow," said Nephrite. "It's a real place."
"Alright," said Kunzite. "Let's go free the hogs!"
Jadeite shook his head. "We can't just barge in there. That would be foolish, and suicidal. So we are going to disguise ourselves as hogs."
"Wait," said Zoisite. "Let me get this straight. We're going to disguise ourselves as hogs, in a hog slaughterhouse?"
Jadeite nodded. "Now you're getting it."
Zoisite shrugged. "I'm down."
"Wait, but what's the point exactly?" asked Nephrite. "I just don't get why we're disguising ourselves as hogs. What is the end goal? Can someone please explain what's going on?"
Jadeite just shook his head. "We don't have time for second-guessing. Every second 1 million hogs get killed. Now put on your hog costume and let's go!"
Nephrite reluctantly put on the hog costume.
Jadeite handed everyone a snout, which was on a string so they could wrap it around their head.
"Let's roll out," said Jadeite, getting on all fours and prancing in.
The guard nodded and opened the door, and the four of them crawled in like hogs.
They soon found themselves in the infamous pen with 500 hogs surrounding them in a small space.
"Zoisite!" Kunzite yelled. "Where are you!? All I see is hogs! I don't know which hog is you!"
"Over here!" called a voice. "Kunzite, where are you?!"
"Come to my voice!" yelled Kunzite.
"I can't!" cried Zoisite. "There's too many hogs! Come this way!"
Nephrite somehow found young Jadeite, mostly by luck, who was eating some corn like a human.
"Alright," said Nephrite. "Now what do we do, Jadeite?"
"Huh?" said Jadeite. "Who made me in charge?"
"You were the one who told us to sneak into Food Inc. as hogs!" said Nephrite. "So tell me, what is the game plan?"
"No game plan," said Jadeite.
"What do you mean, no game plan!?" yelled Nephrite. "What about freeing the hogs?!"
"Well," said Jadeite. "The main goal was to sneak in as hogs, and that's done. Let's not push our luck and go for two goals."
"Huh?" said Nephrite. "What? Huh?"
Suddenly they started hearing squeals.
"What's going on?" demanded Zoisite, when all of the hogs started scrambling for their lives.
"LLAAAAAAVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Jadeite, as lava started pouring into the pen from holes in the wall.
"NOOooOOOO! No no no no no!" said Nephrite, running for his life on all fours.
"ZOISITE!" yelled Kunzite. "Where are you?!"
"Help!" yelled Zoisite. "The hogs are pulling me towards the lava!"
"I can't hear you!" yelled Kunzite. "There's too much squealing!"
"I see the pool of lava!" howled Zoisite, as pigs started dropping by the dozen and the lava crept towards him.
"You're right," said Nephrite to Jadeite. "This is cruel. I can't believe they just pour lava in as their slaughter method. How do they even retrieve the meat?"
"They don't," said Jadeite. "It's just for the sake of killing hogs."
The Shitennou finally made it to the middle, as the lava was coming in from all sides.
All the pigs except for them had perished, and they were the only four hogs left.
"This is it!" said Zoisite, as the lava creeped towards them.
"HEEEEELLLPPPP!" yelled Nephrite. "We're humans! This is a mistake! Let us out!"
"Quiet," said Jadeite. "You'll blow our cover!"
"We're gonna get fried!" cried Nephrite.
"Look, up there!" said Zoisite, while he was looking up waiting to see the light. "There's a hole on the ceiling!"
"Quick, leap up!" said Kunzite.
Kunzite used his hind legs to leap up, and grabbed onto the ledge.
He finally was able to pull his body up.
The Shitennou followed suit, as they climbed each other like a human ladder.
They took off sprinting on all fours.
"This was a terrible plan," said Kunzite. "As soon as I see another person, I'm going to demand to speak to the manager."
That's when the floor dropped out, and they found themselves in a dark area.
"Hey," said Jadeite. "Where am I?"
"Bring a light?" asked Nephrite.
"No," said Jadeite.
That's when a spotlight appeared.
"What is this sick game?!" demanded Zoisite.
The lights fully came on, and they found themselves on a conveyor belt.
They started sprinting towards the opposite end.
"We got some hogs clinging to life," said a voice on a loudspeaker. "Let's crank up the heat."
They could have sworn they heard applause.
"WHAT IS THIS?!" screamed Nephrite.
The conveyor belt went 150 times faster, and they had to put in the work, as running on all fours was not easy for humans.
They saw some workers standing behind a glass window with clipboards, checking supplies most likely.
"HEY!" yelled Jadeite, standing up on his two feet. "What is this?!"
Kunzite stood up as well. "Hey!" he said. "We're talking to you, so you can see that we're humans! So let us out, maniacs!"
"No can do," said the worker. "I was given the following orders from my boss: If it has a snout, take it out."
Kunzite took off the pig snout. "Look!" he said.
"Sorry," said the man. "I can't hear you."
He pulled down the curtain.
"NOOoOOoooOO!" yelled Kunzite. "Now they're killing humans?!"
"This is ridiculous!" said Nephrite. "What if a worker fell in? Would it be over for them?"
That's when they heard a loud crushing sound, that was getting increasingly lounder.
They turned around to see a giant stomper, that was crushing anything that went under it.
It was followed by two razors that spun back and forth, and then four more crushers, and then a giant hammer.
"Why?!" said Zoisite. "You cannot retrieve edible meat from this!"
At the end of the conveyor belt, they noticed a boiling pit of lava, so even if they were able to dodge the obstacles, they'd still be finished.
"What do we do?!" said Jadeite.
"We run for our lives!" said Kunzite, picking up the pace.
"For how long!?" demanded Nephrite.
"Maybe they turn off the factory at night!" hoped Kunzite hopelessly.
"The workers are starting to get angry," said Jadeite.
They turned to see some workers were taking personal offense to their survival.
"If they're willing to come in here and defeat us," said Zoisite. "They can go ahead! Otherwise, they need to get lives and stop this sick game of killing hogs for no reason!"
The Shitennou picked up their pace, but the conveyor belt seemed to be getting faster, as they realized they were approaching the stomper slowly.
The Shitennou went into overdrive.
"Good thing we're athletic," said Jed. "If Beryl was in here, she'd be done."
"She would have been done in the lava room," said Kunzite. "She didn't have the hind legs to make the leap."
That's when suddenly out of nowhere, a man in a lab coat, evidently a worker, came sprinting in the opposite way they were running.
"What the-?!" yelled Jadeite, but then it was too late.
The man dove like a football tackler, taking Zoisite to the ground with a mighty tackle.
"ZOOIIIISITE!" called Kunzite.
"Ouch, get off me!" yelled Zoisite, trying to shove the man off.
But sadly they neared the crusher way too fast, as planned, and both Zoisite and the worker got crushed to oblivion.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite. "Why him, of all people!? Why is it always Zoisite?!"
"Easy target," shrugged Nephrite. "I hope they don't send another suicide runner."
That's when they saw five suicide runners coming at them at lightspeed, due to the momentum of the conveyor belt.
"NO!" said Jadeite.
"Are these humans' lives really so equal to the life of a hog, that they're willing to throw away their lives that easily just to take down three stray porkers?" asked Nephrite in dismay.
"It's about pride," explained Kunzite.
A man dove right for Kunzite.
Kunzite leapt out of the way, and the man instantly flew into the crusher and got destroyed.
Suddenly Kunzite was being yanked back by his cape, as another crazyboi threw himself to the ground and tried to grab it.
Kunzite had to sadly sacrifice his cape, and took it off.
The man and the cape became one as they were crushed to a single molecule.
Three men threw themselves in a line, blocking all exits, but the Shitennou leapt over them like a jump rope.
The three men surprisingly missed the crusher just by luck, but met a terrible fate at the hands of the slicer.
"Surely that's the last of them," said Kunzite.
But that's when he saw 15 more climbing in through a trapdoor, which they heard got locked as soon as the last one landed.
One of the warriors road in on a hog.
"Oink!" said the hog.
"WaaAAAa!" said Jed. "This is it! We can't dodge this many men!"
Kunzite just decided that he wanted to give up on living because Zoisite died, and now he had a personal grudge against Food Incorporated.
As the rowdy pack closed in, Kunzite caught them all off guard by leaping towards them.
He put himself in a bubble that also trapped all 15 men.
"Hey, let us out!" said the men.
"RAAAAAA!" said Kunzite, punching one.
He threw a leaping kick at another, and then threw a grand slam, spinning the whole bubble.
"Stop that!" said a man. "We gotta take down those other two hogs!"
But Kunzite said his final partings, as he neared the crusher.
"Kunzite, get out of there!" said Nephrite. "What are you doing!?"
"Goodbye," said Kunzite.
Kunzite took his own life by his own terms, and his corpse dropped in the bubble.
The bubble got crushed, but surprisingly it didn't break yet.
Once it met the slicers though, it was torn apart like paper.
By the next crusher, all the workers were obliterated.
"Noble man," said Nephrite. "Even though I didn't like him."
"What's the plan?" said Jed. "I'm not ready to go out yet. We still didn't take down Food Inc."
"Alright," said Nephrite. "I have no idea where the abyss below this conveyer belt goes, but I'd rather fall to my death than give one of those crazy men the satisfaction of taking down an oinker."
"Let's do it," decided Jadeite. "There is a strong chance we will live!"
They leapt off the conveyor belt as ten more men flew past them and got crushed.
They flew horizontally from the momentum of their leap for 10 minutes, and then finally reached a wall.
Jadeite was a little late on the wall cling, but managed to get a grip.
"Now what," said Jed, hanging on the wall.
Nephrite threw a punch, shattering a hole in the wall.
"Through here," he said.
They climbed through.
"Oh my," said Nephrite.
"Woooooooooow," said Jadeite, as he peered into the room.
It was an auditorium-sized room, filled with no less than 1,000,000 hogs.
But the room was only 100,000 ft by 100,000 ft.
"RrRRRrrrrR!" said Jadeite. "I won't let any more hogs fall!"
Jadeite blew a hole in the room, and he started ushering them outside.
"Wow, this room borders outside?" asked Nephrite, taking a peak.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "Now run FREEEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite, as hogs escaped by the thousands.
Finally all the hogs were cleared.
"Good work," said Nephrite.
"Thanks for the help," said the last hog, leaving. "I'll never forget your kind actions."
"No problem!" called Jadeite.
That's when iron bars dropped down the walls, blocking them in.
"Who is doing this?!" yelled Nephrite. "Show yourselves!"
"So you're the ones that infiltrated as hogs," sneered a voice through a speaker. "And I suppose you're also the ones who caused our stockpile of hogs to escape."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "I'll kill you, Food Inc. For the hogs!"
"Ho ho ho," laughed a voice, and for a second they hoped it was Kenji but it was not.
"Food Inc. is immortal!" said the voice. "You cannot take down Food Inc."
"Food Inc. doesn't even exist!" yelled Nephrite. "There's no way they could copyright that! It's just the name of a documentary exposing your evil deeds!"
That's when a door opened up, and an average-looking man in a suit walked in.
"I am the CEO of Food Inc.," he explained.
"YOOOOUUUUU!" yelled Jadeite, throwing a hypersonic punch.
But suddenly a worker was flung into the room at hypersonic speeds and took the hit.
"Sorry," said Jed, but he wasn't really sorry for killing the young worker.
"HA!" laughed Nephrite loudly. "So our main enemy is a weak man like you, who is just a regular human? I'll kill you with a single blow!"
Nephrite threw an attack, but two more workers were flung in as though they were shot out of a cannon, taking the blows.
"I can do this all day," said Nephrite. "I don't know where these guys are coming from, but you can't have infinite reserves."
"Even if you can topple my army of workers," said the evil CEO. "You will never be able to defeat my army of hogs!"
"The hogs would never fight for you!" yelled Jadeite.
That's when the CEO snapped his fingers, and 500 hogs sprinted in, standing behind the man.
"Oh?" said the man. "Maybe not, if I hadn't brainwashed them!"
"The corn!" cried Jadeite. "I knew hogs should have never eaten corn!"
"Hogs have the intelligence of a three year old child!" yelled Nephrite. "You can't do this to them! They are living creatures, just like you and me!"
"No," said the CEO. "The hogs have souls, but I do not. Therefore, I am not a living being, and have no sympathy for live ones. Sick 'em, boys!"
The hogs sprinted on all fours towards Jadeite and Nephrite, and they got in their battle stances.
Jadeite charged up some lightning, but he was unable to fire it because there were too many hogs in his view.
"We can't kill the innocent hogs!" said Jadeite.
"Then what do we do?" said Nephrite, leaping to escape the hogs.
Jadeite soon found himself being surrounded by hogs, who were all sprinting in at hog speeds.
"Snap out of it, hogs!" yelled Jadeite. "This is not you!"
But the hogs were crazed beyond reason, as one leapt up and threw a leaping kick at Jadeite.
Jadeite caught the hoof, and released the hog without damaging it.
But another one came in for a headbutt, and Jadeite was taken to the floor.
"No!" he yelled. "Don't do this to me, hogs! I am your friend, not your foe!"
"Don't bother," said Nephrite. "They are gone."
"NOoOOooOOO!" yelled Jadeite. He started oinking to try to communicate, but his words fell on deaf ears.
That's when he got mad and leapt into the air.
Hogs are not the most aerial creatures, so they couldn't keep up.
But that's when they began stacking themselves, and a pyramid of hogs came flying at Jadeite.
"NOooOOO!" said Jed. "Come on now!"
"I got it!" said Jadeite. "Surely if I stand my ground, and show them that I am the warrior they need, they will be reminded of who they once were!"
Jadeite stood his ground, and held his arms out like Motoki to Reika during the beam incident.
The hogs charged right towards him, and they threw blow after blow until Jadeite had left the living realm.
"NO!" said Nephrite. "Why, hogs?!"
That's when the hogs started encircling him.
"I won't go down without a fight," promised Nephrite. "If that's what it has to come to!"
Nephrite suddenly had a burst of strength, and ran through the hogs like they were thin wooden doors.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he shouted, nearing his target suddenly.
He threw a wild punch, and the CEO gasped, and put his arms up to defend himself.
But alas, he was just a normal human and dropped.
The hogs suddenly broke free of their mind control once the CEO hit the hard floor.
"Oink?" they asked in confusion.
"Go," said Nephrite. "Leave this place, and never look back."
All the hogs left, and never looked back.
Nephrite returned to Queen Beryl's throne room.
"We freed the hogs," said Nephrite.
"Good," said Beryl. "Where are the others?"
"Gone," said Nephrite. "Zoisite was the only one that was taken. The rest threw away their lives."
"Sad," said Beryl.
Nephrite shrugged. "I don't know what we expected when we went into a slaughterhouse in hog costumes."
Food Inc. was no more.
FIN
