"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Well, Ja-"

"Queen Beryl I am appalled," said Jadeite.

"How rude," said Beryl. "I did not say anything wrong."

"No," said Jadeite. "Not by you. By Crunchyroll."

"What is that?" said Beryl.

"Ugh," moaned Jadeite. "Don't even get me started."

Beryl really wanted to get him started, because she personally didn't like Jadeite, but she decided to cut the boy some slack and look it up on her own time.

"Alright," said Beryl. "Be gone with you, then."

"Thank you," said Jadeite.

He left.


Jadeite marched over to the soda machine in a huff.

"Nephrite!" said Jadeite. "Crunchyroll has crossed the line!"

"What's a crunchyroll?" said Nephrite. "Is that some kind of snack? Sounds like a tasty candy bar, or some kind of pastry."

"No, no," said Jadeite. "There's nothing sweet about this atrocity."

"I think they sell crunchyrolls in my vending machine," said Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite. "Crunchyroll is a paid anime service, for Western anime fans."

"Paid anime service?" scoffed Nephrite. "What about KissAnime?"

"Shhh," said Jadeite. "We're supposed to pretend those don't exist, and that we actually have to pay for our free anime."

But that's when Jadeite realized that he no longer had any sympathy for Crunchyroll.

"You know what?" said Jadeite. "Go download your anime illegally. Crunchyroll does not deserve people's purchases if they behave like this. They do not know that anime fans hate censorship, or at least the loyal ones."

"What happened?" asked Nephrite, starting to get concerned at the mention of the word 'censorship.' "They didn't like, censor anything important, right?"

That's when Jadeite put his hand on Nephrite's shoulder.

"I have bad news," said Jadeite.

"Those fiends!" said Nephrite, clenching his fist. "Don't they know that if they make bad business practices, people will leave them!?"

"No," said Jadeite. "They do not know that. I'll tell you what happened. A game came out, 'DanMachi Memoria Freese.' It had a touch feature, where you could touch the heads and bodies of girls."

"Oooh, I want that game!" said Nephrite.

"And," added Jadeite. "Crunchyroll in fact advertised this feature on their website."

"Okay," said Nephrite. "So where's the problem?"

Jadeite let out a long, sad sigh. "Crunchyroll removed this feature."

"No," said Nephrite. "It can't be."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Even though they advertised it, it's true. It's really true."

"No!" said Nephrite. "Impossible! They advertised it! Those fiends, how could they remove the best feature?!"

"That's what the world wants to know," said Jadeite.

"How could they do this?!" demanded Nephrite. "Censoring games, and not for a petty reason like violence! This is a crime against humanity! A game with no ecchi content is not a game I would ever want to play!"

"I agree," said Jadeite. "And many other true anime fans do, too. Wanna hear their despicable excuse?"

But Nephrite was already too heated. "Why?!" he shouted. "How could they?! They have no right, to discriminate against English speakers and not allow them to enjoy the same ecchi content! I'm Japanese but I'm still offended by this!"

"Me too," said Jadeite. "They deemed it not appropriate for English audiences."

"HUH!?" said Nephrite. "Who are they to decide?! It is a game meant for adults! They are legally allowed to play such games, and watch much more explicit content in fact!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I'll read you their quote, but it might make you nauseous. They said, 'The 'touching' feature was removed from the English version of the game, yes. Not as a matter of censorship or depriving non-Japanese audiences of anything, but due to what is appropriate or not appropriate for English audiences.'"

Nephrite let out a shout, and punched his soda machine, destroying it. "That's exactly what they're doing! They're saying they're not censoring, but what they are doing is the DEFINITION of censoring! They do not have the right to decide what is appropriate! Where is the line!? They are literally depriving non-Japanese audiences of this feature as a matter of censorship! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What are we gonna do?" said Jadeite. "Apparently, the anime it's based on is full of ecchi, and the game itself has a lot of ecchi content that would turn off people that were turned off by the touching feature. It even has sexual relations with minors! So why remove touching?! WHHHYY!? Those monsters!"

"What's all the screaming?" demanded Kunzite, heading down the hall with Zoiboy. "Is this a riot, or a jamboree?"

"A jamboree," explained Nephrite. "But not a happy one. Crunchyroll blocked the feature where you can touch female characters in a videogame!"

"What's the big deal?" asked Zoisite. "That feature seems pointless and does not contribute to the game."

That's when Jadeite threw an uppercut, and an undercut, and Nephrite threw a punch into Zoisite's stomach.

"Hey now!" said Kunzite. "I agree with him! That feature is unnecessary, and not including it can expand this 'Crunchyroll's' audience!"

"You fool!" said Nephrite. "It's just going to cut their audience! People who want the game want it for this very feature, which they in fact advertised! False advertising is bad business practice, and illegal!"

"Wait, they advertised for it?" asked Kunzite. "In that case, it's disgraceful."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "We are going to raid Crunchyroll. Are you in?"

Kunzite thought about it. "No," he decided. "False advertising is wrong, but there's no real harm in removing the feature, if all it is is letting you touch girls."

"You're just saying that because you're gay," said Jadeite. "However me and Nephrite are true anime fans, and we won't stand for this."

That's when Jadeite went into a speech, and his background turned into a Japanese flag that was waving. "Anime is all about the waifus. An anime is only as good as the amount of fan service it has. If you are not watching anime for fan service, you are a fake anime fan, and should be watching a cartoon. All women are treasure, and treasure should not be altered. If I discover a chest of gold, I will want to touch the gold, wherever I want to. That includes the body and the head. Those who interfere must be punished, and are in fact interfering with the very biological function of nature itself."

"That's a load of nonsense," said Zoisite, however Nephrite was moved to tears by this triumphant speech.

"Amen," he said. "I will destroy Crunchyroll if it's the last thing I do."

Jadeite and Nephrite stormed off.

"Weird guys," said Zoisite.

"Yes," agreed Kunzite. "What's the deal with breasts anyway? They're just a body part. No need to fuss over them."

"Yeah," said Zoisite.


Jadeite and Nephrite arrived at Melvin's house, and he was already outside.

"I assume you've heard about the news," said Nephrite.

Melvin nodded. "I just cancelled my Crunchyroll subscription."

"Wow," said Jadeite. "I didn't think a true anime fan such as yourself would even have Crunchyroll to begin with."

"Ah," said Melvin. "Don't be fooled. The only reason I have it is in case the police ever arrest me for downloading 100,000 torrents of full seasons of anime. I will show them that I have the subscription, and that they have the wrong guy."

"Smart," said Nephrite. "I don't agree with you on much, but this is something that spans all levels of life. Are you in on the raid?"

"Of course," said Melvin. "I'm appalled by what Crunchyroll did. An anime is only as good as how much fan service it has."

Jadeite nodded. "Despite being a nerd, he knows what he's talking about."


Grandpa was 10 miles down the street, already headed towards Crunchyroll's HQ, when the pack united with him.

"Crunchyroll?" asked Jadeite.

"Yes," said Grandpa. "Villains. They do not know what censorship even is, nor do they have the right to even censor to begin with. They are far out of line, and they need to be put back in line."

"I knew we could count on you," said Nephrite.

He teleported them all to America, right outside Crunchyroll's evil lair.

They walked straight up to the front desk.

"We have a complaint," said Jadeite.

"DanMachi?" asked the guard.

"Of course," said Jadeite. "What do you think?"

"Ah," said the guard. "Get in line."

"Where's the line?" said Jadeite.

"It starts in Japan," said the guard.

"What do you mean?" demanded Nephrite. "Crunchyroll HQ is in America."

"Yes," said the man. "But the line is so long, it starts in Japan."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite.

"Hmmm," said Melvin. "As expected. Anime fans always unite on important matters like this."

"I'm not waiting in an over 5,000 mile line, just to tell them that they make me sick," said Nephrite. "We need to raid through the front doors."

"No can do," said Grandpa. "They upped their security by 10 million, when a crowd of no less than 10,000 had the same idea as us after they announced the touching feature was removed."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "We gotta sneak in through the compliment line. But there's a problem. I'm a notorious enemy of Crunchyroll, and have battled them on numerous occasions."

"Me too," said Melvin. "I'm on their 'Do not enter' list."

The quartet thought for a while.


Zoisite was alone, as Kunzite was sound asleep.

"I just want a pack of crackers," said Zoisite to himself. "I hope no one is at the vending machine at this late hour."

Zoisite approached the vending machine, but was disappointed to see that it was destroyed when Nephrite heard what evil deeds Crunchyroll was up to.

"Darn," said Zoisite. "I'm not going to Earth for food."

He went to head home, when suddenly Nephrite grabbed him by the legs.

But before Zoisite could hit the ground, Jadeite grabbed his shoulders, and they took off running.

"Let me GOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite.

But they did not.


Zoisite walked up to the Crunchyroll compliment line.

"Wow, empty line," said Zoisite. "Now what did you guys want me to do?" he said through a walky-talky.

"Don't worry," said Melvin. "Just play it cool. Pretend you have a compliment."

"Uh… okay," said Zoisite. "But just know, I'm only doing this because I have no choice."

"Of course," said Nephrite. "Now hurry up already."

Zoisite stepped up to the guard.

"Hello," he said.

The guard raised an eyebrow. "I think you're in the wrong line," he said. "The touching feature complaint/refund line starts over there."

"No," said Zoisite. "I'm here for a compliment."

"Well I'll be damned," said the guy. "Just when I thought I was getting paid to do nothing. Let's hear it, friend."

"Okay," said Zoisite. "I thank you all for removing the touching feature."

Zoisite pulled out a pre-written script for him, and read it out loud. "I am a very sensitive boy, and I'm also gay. I am additionally 13 years old."

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "That's not true!"

"Keep reading," said Jadeite through the walky-talky. "Or we toss you the beatdown."

Zoisite sighed. "Being that I am sensitive, gay, and 13, I would not be allowed to play unless you had removed that heinous feature. Although the rest of the game has similar content, and the anime is a very fan service heavy show, thank you for deeming what was appropriate for English-speaking audiences but totally not censoring, since I am unable to do that myself."

"I'll be honest with you," said the guard. "I do not know what Crunchyroll was talking about when they said they were not censoring. They were doing the actual definition of censoring. But hey, they pay my paycheck, so I can't go out against them. And personally, I don't see the purpose of the feature."

"I know, right?" said Zoisite, going off-script. "Who needs to touch a girl anyway, especially virtually?"

The guard nodded. "Head on in."

"Thanks," said Zoisite. "But I have many suitcases of compliments. Four in fact. I must drag them inside."

"Well, go ahead then," said the guard. "Just make sure there's no people in them."

Zoisite patted down the suitcases. "Nope, no people."

He headed in with his four suitcases, two very small and two regular human-sized.

Once he got past the security cameras, Jadeite, Nephrite, Melvin, and Grandpa hopped out.

"Phew," said Grandpa. "Luckily I mastered breathing without breathing, or I might have died."

"If you had opened that suitcase one second later," said Melvin. "I would have died of carbon dioxide poisoning. You were supposed to leave a hole."

"Oops," shrugged Zoisite. "Hey, can I go now?"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "Get lost."

Zoisite fled with his life.

"Okay," said Jadeite. "Now to raid Crunchyroll."

"Which raid strategy are we using?" asked Melvin. "In either case, I'll be the healer."

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "This isn't some RPG. This is a real life raid. Let's first take down their computer lounge."

The crew raided the computer lounge.

After all the guards were deceased, Nephrite hopped on a computer.

"Ah!" he said. "Here's their uploaded file of the game!"

"Oooh," said Jadeite. "Upload the one with no censorship!"

"First," said Nephrite. "I have to raid the Reddit."

Nephrite raided the Reddit, and made 20 spam posts from their account admitting they had censored the game, which was a wrong, illegal, and immoral action.

"Can we post the game with no censorship now?" asked Jadeite.

"Yes," said Nephrite.

He replaced the game file with the true game, the one that wasn't influenced by the sick and twisted ways of young Crunchyroll.

"Whelp, we did it," said Nephrite. "We raided Crunchyroll."

"I am not satisfied," said Grandpa.

"Why not?" said Jadeite. "Just buy the uncensored game now."

Grandpa laughed but without humor. "As if I would buy a game rather than download it illegally. But the reason I'm unsatisfied is because we have not yet achieved vengeance. Crunchyroll needs to pay for their deceitful sins."

"What do you have in mind?" asked Jadeite.

Grandpa thought for a long time.

"It is time to shut down Crunchyroll. Fill their whole website with explicit content for 10 days straight, and then tear it down and leave no traces. Whenever people go on Crunchyroll's website after the 10 days, it will just be an apology letter. It was not their place to decide what was appropriate for one particular audience," concluded Grandpa.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

They unleashed their direct attack on Crunchyroll itself, and in fact succeeded.

"All's well that ends well," said Nephrite. "There's justice in this universe after all. Let's go."

They went to leave, but at the door stood a mysterious figure.

"Who are you supposed to be?" demanded Jadeite.

The figure stepped into the light, and he was blindfolded, with a scale in one hand.

"I am the CEO of Crunchyroll, and the objective decider of what is appropriate for English audiences. But it's not censorship," he added.

"You fiend!" yelled Melvin, pointing at him. "Your company is supposed to just be a translator, but you have crossed the line into localization! It is not your place in the global economy to decide what is right or wrong! Me and many other people have cancelled our memberships because of your crimes!"

"Good," said the man. "That's the plan. Why else would I remove such a desirable feature, and have one of my pawns say such a goony thing about it not being censorship when it was in fact censorship by definition?"

"You monster!" said Nephrite. "You're a demon!"

"Yes," said the man.

He revealed his true form, revealing that Crunchyroll was in fact run by demons, and that he was in fact the embodiment of Crunchyroll as an entity.

"Put 'em up!" yelled Grandpa. He threw rapid kicks at the demon, but it ate them.

Jadeite readied lightning in his hand, and Nephrite saw this in the corner of his eye and leapt away.

However, the beast fed off the power of the memberships of multiple fools, and had enough raw power to absorb the lightning, and return it tenfold.

Melvin fought back and summoned his top ten waifus, many of them being strong anime characters.

They tore the beast to shreds, as they were all from lewd shows and did not like being censored.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "Did you know your number 5 waifu is my number 1 waifu?"

"No," said Melvin. "She is my waifu."

Nephrite threw a backhand, and Melvin desisted.

That's when Grandpa made his move, and grabbed one of the girls and ran away.

"Hey!" said Melvin.


Melvin, Jadeite, and Nephrite sat in Nephrite's house and played the good and true copy of the game that had been uncensored.

"Hey, wait," said Jadeite. "We speak Japanese. Why didn't we just play the original version?"

"It's a matter of principle," said Nephrite. "It's for the sake of the American audiences, and the rest of Western civilization."

"Let me try touching the girls," said Melvin.

"No, it's my turn," said Nephrite.

He touched one of the girls' heads.

"Heh heh heh," said Nephrite.

Jadeite smiled. "All is good in the universe."

FIN