"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite, I-"
"NYEeeEEEeeEE;eeEEEEEEEEeEEHHH!"
"Eh?" said Jadeite.
"What the hell was that?" said Beryl. "Some kind of rowdy Youma? Devil's beasts, I swear they are."
"Well, this is hell," said Jadeite. "So I would expect to see devil's beasts."
"Jadeite, go investigate," said Queen Beryl.
"No," said Jadeite. "I'm not going to roll in the mud with some Youma. That's not in my job description. I'm an elite."
"Go send another Youma to go deal with it, then," said Beryl. "One of the more civilized ones, that can communicate with words."
"ReeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeEEeEEEE!" the strange sound continued. It was a high-pitched squeal almost. A horrible sound, like some kind of screeching gear.
"AaaaaaHH!" said Beryl. "I'm going home! I can't deal with this anymore! If this is its regular sound, I don't want to hear its death cry."
"For all we know," said Jadeite. "This could be its death cry. A stalactite might have fell on it, snagging its foot. It's crying for help, Beryl. Go help it."
"Are you crazy?" said Beryl. "I'm not going to roll in the mud with some wild beast. Jadeite, when I come back that screeching sound better be gone."
"Yeah, yeah," said Jadeite. "I'll get around to it. But does this have priority over getting energy?"
"Yes," said Beryl. "This is unlivable."
Jadeite sighed. "I guess I'll never get to enact that new source."
"RrrrrrrEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeeE RuWRRRRRRWWWUUUUUUUUU!" the horrible sound continued.
Queen Beryl put her fingers in her ears and left.
Jadeite was going to send a Youma to deal with it, but they were all dead so he could not.
"I'll go deal with it tomorrow morning," he said.
At night time, Jadeite was lying in bed with ear muffs, trying to catch some sleep.
"ReeEEeEEEEEeeEEE!" he heard.
"You're gonna be sorry tomorrow!" called Jadeite.
As he entered dream land, he suddenly jerked to a start.
"Shoot," he said. "Beryl usually gets to her throne at 6 AM, and I always wake up at 9 AM without setting an alarm. I better go deal with this before I go to sleep."
But as Jadeite headed down the hall, he realized that he had already drunk his warm milk, and did his 6 hatches on all 6 of his wizards on Wizard101, which causes his body to shut down for the night.
Jadeite collapsed in the hall.
After many hours passed, he was awoken to the sound of a soda dropping in a vending machine.
Jadeite sat up, clenching his head.
"Is it a soda machine or a snack machine? Make up your mind!" he shouted.
"Sorry!" called Gamer Joe. "I'm just hungry is all. And thirsty."
He opened up his soda with a popping sound, and guzzled the whole drink down without stopping to take a breath of air.
"Mmm Mm!" he said.
Jadeite killed him.
"Idiot," he said. "How did he get in here?"
"AaaaaaaarrRRRRRRRRRREUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuUuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUU!" cried the beast.
"It's still at it?!" complained Jadeite. "I'm gonna go kill it, that's it."
Jadeite followed the sound, and the cries of terror got louder and louder.
"Geez," said Jadeite. "I'd hope it would have died by now. But it's still kicking."
"reEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Jadeite sighed as he neared the beast.
He passed Zoisite, Kunzite, Nephrite and Kenji all walking with their footsteps in sync.
"Jadeite!" called Zoisite. "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Don't ask me," said Jadeite.
"I heard this sick sound all the way from my soda machine," said Nephrite. "It caused me to hit the wrong numbers and buy the wrong drink! It's time we silence this beast!"
"Say," said Kunzite. "Jadeite, isn't your job doing manual labor such as this? Why haven't you taken care of this beast?"
"Hey," said Jadeite. "Just because I'm the lowest ranking, and I mop the floors occasionally, doesn't mean I have to do every dirty job in the Negaverse!"
"Haha," said Zoisite.
"Shut up," said Jadeite. "You could have easily been in my spot, if I was smarter. I'm already stronger than you."
"Shut up," said Zoisite. "It's 5 AM. I'm not in the mood for the typical Zoisite abuse."
"Yes," said Kunzite. "We were just trying to get some beauty sleep, and all we heard all night was, 'ReeEEEeeEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'"
"Stop it," said Nephrite. "We know what the sound sounds like, you dumb boy."
"Mmmmmm," said Kenji. "I'm glad I don't live in the Negaverse. However it would be nice to never see Shingle, but this place is way too dreary for a man like me."
"Then why are you here!?" yelled Zoisite. "Really, why?"
"Elementary, my dear Zoiboy," said Kenji. "Today is Shingle's piano recital, so I had to be sure to be as far from the recital as possible. And there's no place further than the poles of the Earth!"
"What about outer space?" said Nephrite.
"How about I give you one of these," said Kenji, raising his fist at Nephrite in a threatening manner.
"Ha," scoffed Nephrite. "You can't land a blow on me."
That's when the screeching reached an ear-piercing maximum, and they knew that they were very near.
"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "I hope it's nothing gruesome."
"Unfortunately," said Kunzite. "The sound would suggest otherwise. Close your eyes when you get close."
Zoisite almost threw up from the sound, but kept it together.
That's when they finally arrived, and the source of the sound was none other than Melvin/Umino.
"Nerdboy!" shouted Nephrite. "YOOOOOUUUUU… have a lot of nerve."
Melvin examined the pack. "Mmm," he said disappointedly. "Not what I expected. But it will have to do. I wish it was your queen, but that's setting my bar low."
"What are talking about!?" said Jadeite. "Why are you here, and why are you keeping us all awake?!"
"Ah," said Melvin. "You must be referring to the music I've been making. It is in fact my mating cry, and I am trying to attract a mate."
"No music," said Kunzite. "Unless you call scratching your nails on a chalkboard music."
That's when Nephrite lost it. "You monster! You're the cause of our suffering!"
Nephrite threw a mighty punch, but Melvin quickly pulled out his Amazon Alexa.
"Alexa!" he cried. "Tank this hit!"
"Yes Melvin," it said.
It leapt into the blow, absorbing it.
"Alexa," said Melvin. "Release that blow tenfold."
"Right," said Alexa.
Alexa unleashed the blow, and everyone dashed.
Zoisite wasn't so lucky and perished.
"Why you!" said Kunzite.
"No!" said Melvin. "That was my first choice from the bunch as a mate!"
Kunzite readied a punch, but Melvin held up his Macbook as a shield.
"Fighting will get us nowhere," said Kenji.
"Shut up, Kenji!" said Kunzite. "We're all sick of you being in the Dark Kingdom! You are not an evil being, you're just a lowly human! You don't belong here!"
"You should see what I gave Shingle for his tenth birthday," scoffed Kenji. "Then you'll rethink saying I'm not an evil being."
Kunzite was going to leave it at that, but Kenji leaned in for a whisper.
"It was a new bed, but under the blanket were 300 poisonous scorpions," whispered Kenji. "Things backfired however when Ikuko went to make his bed. It was a sacrifice that had to be made."
"Is anyone else sick of Kenji?" said Nephrite.
Everyone raised their hands, and Zoisite's ghost raised his hand.
"Haters gonna hate," said Kenji. "You boys are as salty as Twitch chat goons."
"I know, right?" said Jadeite. "I hate Twitch chat goons. Too young and naïve."
"Anyway," said Kenji. "Why are you trying to find a mate, my boy? You can have my daughter anytime you want."
"Sadly I can't," said Melvin. "She is dating this young man named Mamoru Chiba, who is in college. Me and him had a duel for Usagi's heart, but sadly he came out on top. He downed me in one punch, and I spit out ten gallons of blood. It flooded the room we were in, and I almost died."
"Tough luck," said Jadeite.
"Wait," said Kenji. "What'd you say about a college boy?!"
"Well," said Melvin.
Kenji took off his belt. "Now where is this young man who dare go after Kenji Tsukino's daughter?!"
"There he is," said Kunzite.
"Yo," said Evil Endymion. "Where was all that screeching coming from?"
It was base Evil Endymion, equipped with his all black outfit.
Kenji sprung at the opportunity, and swung his belt straight for the boy's neck.
It never hit it though, as young Chiba caught the belt.
"What's this about?" demanded Chiba.
Kenji leapt up and threw a wild punch, and they exchanged blows but it lasted relatively quickly.
Kenji crawled away with his life, by throwing his broken glasses as a distraction.
"If I was younger," said Kenji as he fled. "That man would have been toast."
"What can you do?" said Kunzite. "He works out. He runs laps every day."
"Ah," said Kenji. "I think he passed by my house on one of his laps before. If I ever see him by my house again, he can have a 1v1 with my shotgun."
"Hey," said Nephrite. "If you're searching for a mate, does that mean you're backing off young Mully?"
"Yes," said Melvin. "Unfortunately, I just realized our chemistry wasn't right. And also, she died of a flu epidemic."
"Wait, what?!" said Nephrite. "Huh?! Why didn't she tell me?!"
"I think it's because she died," explained Kunzite.
"Shut up!" said Nephrite.
"Kunzite is gay," said Jadeite.
"What is this?!" said Kunzite.
"Sorry," said Jed. "We're all just tired."
"Let's just kill this man who made us tired," said Kunzite. "And also killed Zoisite with his Amazon Alexa! Unforgiveable!"
"No," said Nephrite. "As much as I hate Melvin, it just won't work. His Macbook is too strong, and now that he's allied with Alexa as well, it's an unbeatable force. He could probably down the whole United States government if he wanted to."
"Yes," said Melvin. "If I said, 'Alexa, down the whole United States government,' she would do it."
"Downing the whole United States government," said Alexa.
"NooOOO!" yelled Melvin. "Abort! Abort! I haven't secured my fort for war yet!"
"Backing down," said Alexa.
"Phew," said Melvin. "This place was about to become a war zone. I could win no doubt, but I didn't want to lose all my precious figurine and light novel collections at my house."
"Our only choice is to get Melvin a mate," said Kenji.
"I guess we have no choice," said Kunzite. "Melvin, let's meet at your house tomorrow. Just please leave the Negaverse now. There are no girls, you don't have to keep making that screech."
"What about Queen Beryl?" said Melvin.
"She's not your type," said Jadeite. "Scram."
"Alright," said Melvin. "Alexa, take me home."
Alexa opened up a vortex, and he hopped in.
The next day, the Shitennou and Kenji showed up at Melvin's "Man cave."
"Welcome back," said Kunzite.
"Shut up," said Zoisite. "How did that guy kill me with his Amazon Alexa anyway?"
"It's best to not question it," said Kunzite.
"Maylven!" said Melvin's mom. "Your friends are here!"
"Shut up, Mother," said Melvin. "Send them up."
"Go upstairs," said Melvin's mom. "Honestly, that boy. How does he have any friends?"
"He doesn't," said Zoisite, who was still salty.
They went upstairs.
"Alexa," said Melvin. "Open the door."
The door opened. They walked in.
"Alexa," said Melvin. "Close the door."
The door closed.
"Wow," said the Shitennou, sitting down Japanese-style. "I've never seen a place so nerdy."
The walls were lined up with every light novel ever published, and the other wall was every visual novel ever published.
The third wall was every manga ever published, and the wall with the door was his 10 screen monitor 4 hard drive computer set-up.
"Say," said Jadeite. "It seems you own every anime-related thing known to man."
"I do," said Melvin.
"Wow," said Kunzite. "Nice."
"But," said Jadeite. "What about anime originals? Like Angel Trash. There's no source material for that, so where is it?"
"Don't worry," said Melvin. "Angel BEATS is on my hard drives, and so is every anime and hentai in the world."
"Where's your body pillows and figurines?" asked Nephrite.
"They're in the room through this trapdoor," said Melvin. "My mother's bedroom is also back-up storage, so she has to sleep outside."
"Can we see the pillow room?" asked Zoisite, more curious than anything.
"No, come on," said Nephrite. "We want to get through with this today."
"Well, you can't go in anyway," said Melvin. "I can't have anyone denting the official boxes I have not taken my figurines out of. Even if you look at them, it will decrease their value."
"Hmm," said Kenji. "No wonder this boy has no girlfriend," he said, stating the obvious.
"Wow," said Melvin. "I'm surprised it took you so long to realize."
"We all thought it," said Jadeite. "We just didn't need to tell you the truth, as we all know it."
"Mmmmmm," said Melvin. "Now do you mind? I'm watching the new DxD."
"Hey, hold up," said Kunzite. "We're here to get you a girlfriend. Most nerdy boys like you would jump at the opportunity."
"I have tons of girlfriends," scoffed Melvin. "But they're all 2D. Yet everyone knows that 2D girls are better than 3D girls. 2D girls do what you want, except for the tsunderes. But they come around eventually."
"Then why were you spending all night with that sick mating call?" said Jadeite.
"Hmm," said Melvin. "A 3D girlfriend in addition to all my 2D girlfriends couldn't hurt. But I've gotten over that dream."
"What do you mean, you've gotten over that dream?" demanded Nephrite. "What did we come here for?"
"I don't know," said Melvin. "Go away."
"No," said Kunzite. "Now we're going to get you a 3D girlfriend just because it's our resolve."
"I don't need one of those," said Melvin. "Right Alexa?"
"Shut up," said Alexa.
Melvin shed a tear, and had to wipe his eyes with his limited edition NGNL handkerchief.
He tucked it away. "Good thing I have three of those," he said. "Alexa, you hurt me."
He disposed of Alexa.
"I'll take her back tomorrow," he told the others.
"Why are we here again?" said Zoisite.
"Let's leave," said Kenji.
"Good idea," agreed Zoisite.
"No," said Jadeite. "Our resolve, remember?"
"Ugh," said Zoisite. "Darn my resolve. Alright, so how are we going to tackle this? Obviously he cannot appeal to a woman with looks, but maybe he has some redeeming traits."
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "When Molly was alive, she used to say that Melvin had a good heart."
"Well sadly," said Kunzite. "That won't help us much. No girls will ever see his good heart, since he's locked in his room all day. He only goes to school, and I assume he keeps to himself."
"You guys still here?" said Melvin. "Would you like to join me for some DxD?"
"Okay," said Jadeite.
"Sign me up," said Kenji.
"Ewww, no!" said Zoisite. "Get that away from me! Too lewd."
"Too gay," sneered Nephrite to Zoisite. "Let's all watch DxD and then reconvene."
"No," said Kunzite.
"WAaaaait," said Jadeite. "The episode for DxD hasn't even come out yet."
"Yes," said Melvin. "But I hacked into the animation studio, and I'm watching it as they piece it together. Since this bad studio throws it together weekly."
"Ooooh!" said Jadeite.
He pulled a chair over, but it was just someone slowly animating a picture.
"Mmm," said Melvin. "Look at those curves."
"Not bad," considered Kenji. "Kind of like my daughter."
"This is dumb," said Zoisite. "Call me up when you're done being idiots."
"Where are you going?" said Kunzite.
"Let's leave," said Zoisite. "Let's let them watch this guy draw some unrealistically busty girl and come back tomorrow."
"Good idea," said Kunzite.
Zoisite and Kunzite went home.
Zoisite and Kunzite returned after a long nap. It was 12 midnight.
"I hope they're done by now," said Kunzite.
They were, but they were onto something else stupid.
"What is this?" demanded Zoisite.
"We're playing a visual novel," explained Jadeite. "We're 3 hours into our route."
"Wait!" said Nephrite. "Pick the second choice!"
"No can do," said Melvin.
He picked the obviously wrong choice.
"What are you doing?!" yelled Nephrite.
"If you feel that way about me," said the girl. "We're better off parting ways. This is goodbye."
"Goodbye!" said Melvin.
"NOoooOooooOO!" said Nephrite. "We just played for 3 hours, and you ruined the route."
"Don't worry," said Melvin. "I create a save state every line of dialogue."
"Why?" said Jadeite. "Everyone knows to only save at each choice."
"Shut up," said Melvin. "I've been at this a lot longer than you, boy. And I have to see all the endings, NEPHRITE."
Nephrite sighed.
"This one is the bad one," explained Melvin. "She will take her own life. Let's watch."
"Wait," said Kenji. "If you already know what happens, why are you playing?"
"Well," said Melvin. "I watch the full series on Youtube before I play a game, so I know the fastest way to get all the endings. It's not even about playing the game, it's about getting 100%."
"Then play a game that you can actually complete," said Zoisite, getting impatient. "It's a visual novel, which means it's only for the story, not for completion. It's not even a game. Go play a real game instead."
Melvin just shook his head. "You sound like my mother."
"Zoisite, let's go," said Kunzite.
They left for twelve more hours, and then returned.
They were still playing the game, and were ten routes in.
They left for another twelve hours and came back.
But Jadeite, Nephrite, Kenji, and Melvin were still playing.
"Come on!" said Kunzite.
"Alright, alright," said Melvin, pausing and then creating five of the same exact save state. "What do you want?"
"We're going to get you a girlfriend," said Kunzite.
"Okay," said Melvin. "But not until tomorrow. I've been up for 80 hours straight."
"Wait," said Kenji. "I wanna see what happens to this girl," he said, half-asleep.
"Don't worry," said Melvin. "She commits suicide."
"Ah," said Kenji. "Now I can sleep."
They all went to bed on Melvin's floor.
"Ridiculous," said Kunzite.
"Students of Juuban High School!" announced Jadeite, with his glasses costume as seen in episode 7. "You too, can be rich, if you date this young nerd here!"
"This nerd is rich?" asked a random girl.
"Sadly no," said Jadeite.
"Actually," interrupted Melvin. "I'll have you know, I have one billion coins, and that number is increasing by the second. As soon as coins start having some value again, I will sell them all and make a fortune. Wanna know how I farm them?"
The girl fled.
"Melvin," said Nephrite. "Try not speaking. Just let us do the talking. And if we somehow wrangle one, continue to not say anything nerdy, or anything at all."
"Got it!" said Melvin.
"Please!" yelled Kunzite to the running high schoolers. "Just one date! We'll pay you $1,000, or whatever that is in Yen!"
"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "It feels like we've missed a step here. Are you sure a scene wasn't cut out in the sea of line breaks?"
"No," said Nephrite. "We skipped all the other steps for getting him a date because we knew none of them would work."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "We made him a Plenty O' Fish account, but he put too much needless information and did not get one reply. So then we made one for him, and we put his head on a muscled man's body, as no one would reply seeing his scrawny body. But they must have detected it as a fake image, due to Kenji's poor cropping skills despite that he works for a magazine, and they banned us."
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "All the articles we post over there have 100% real images. I take them myself. One time I had to take a picture of an active volcano. I went right over there, climbed to the top, and then I pushed Shingle in."
"Wait, wait," said Zoisite. "I think you got confused on why you were telling the story. You got too caught up with talking about torturing Shingo, that-"
"You complain too much, Zoisite," said Nephrite. "It was a good story. Just leave it be."
"You there," said Kunzite, grabbing a girl by the shoulder. "Date this young man."
"Which young man?" asked the girl. "Those two handsome ones?" she asked, pointing at Jed and Neph.
"Heh," said Jadeite. "Sadly no. The only one up for grabs is this young stud right here."
Jadeite pointed to Melvin.
The girl eyed him head to toe, and then she took her own life.
"Come on now!" said Nephrite. "He's not that ugly! Molly must see something in him… She wouldn't date a totally ugly boy. She has high standards in fact."
"Ah, yes," said Zoisite. "Remind them that Melvin has a good personality."
"He has a good personality!" yelled Kunzite. "Someone, date this man! He will take anyone! And we'll pay you as much as you want! We'll give you a blank check."
"I will do it," said a girl with a heavy heart. "I will date this young man."
"Whoopee!" said Melvin. "I'm so happy!"
"Alright," said Kunzite, handing her a blank check. "Show up at Crown Parlor for the date tonight."
"Right," said the girl.
She took off with the blank check to quickly cash it in.
"We did it, guys," said Jadeite. "It was hard."
"Meh," said Melvin. "You didn't find me the best of the bunch, but this is not England. So I can't have a 10 for sure."
"That's so racist," said Jadeite. "And against your own country."
"It's not racist," said Melvin. "It's just my personal opinion."
"I guess you're right," said Jadeite. "Still, I think you should be happy with whoever you get. At least she's not 2D."
"Yeah," said Melvin. "I hope she likes High School DxD. I can't believe you fools forgot to ask."
"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "We'll take Melvin through a crash course about normal subjects, so he can learn to have a conversation without mentioning anime."
"Can I mention light novels?" asked Melvin.
"You know what I mean," said Zoisite.
"I do not," said Melvin. "Anime and light novels are worlds apart. It's like comparing a sea turtle to a pigeon. Their DNA is very different."
It was the day of the date.
Melvin was spraying some mouth spray into his mouth.
"Don't go overboard," advised Kenji.
Melvin was dressed in his nicest tuxedo, in fact the one he used for his Tuxedo Melvin costume.
"Say," said Jadeite. "Isn't that a little too flashy for a casual date?"
"No casual," said Melvin. "I'm gonna ask her to marry me."
"Ugh," moaned Nephrite. "Alright, Melvin," he said, starting from the beginning. "Let's calm down now, and be a normal boy."
Nephrite looked Melvin in the eyes, but Melvin wasn't there.
Nephrite shook his head sadly. "He's a lost cause," he said. "But for a blank check, that girl better put up with whatever."
They waited three hours.
"Wait a second," said Zoisite. "Why would she even come? We should have given her the blank check after the date."
"Shit," said Kunzite.
Motoki's sister walked up.
"Do you want refills on your drinks?" she asked.
"Will you date this man!?" asked Jadeite.
"Sorry," said Motoki's sister. "But there's already a man in my heart."
"But you can't have a boyfriend if you don't have a life," said Kenji.
"Excuse me?" said Motoki's sister.
"That's your cue," said Kenji, to the others.
They didn't really want to beat Motoki's sister to death, so Kenji took it upon himself.
He leapt on top of her, and started throwing punch after punch.
Motoki's sister fought for her life, but she was just no match for a grown man with her amateur level training.
She died.
Kenji wiped the blood off his glasses with a paper towel.
"These are still dirty," said Kenji. "Does anyone have a wet wipe?"
"Alright," said Kunzite. "It's time to go. Obviously paying someone to date Melvin is not the solution."
"So what's the plan now?" asked Zoisite. "Do we give up?"
"It's too late to give up on our resolve," said Kunzite. "Instead of paying people money, let's just threaten to take their lives."
"Wow, good idea," said Jadeite.
The Shitennou were hiding behind a corner.
"Look, here comes two schoolgirls," said Kunzite. "Let's try to capture one of them."
They waited for one to walk by, and Kunzite got one in a full nelson.
The other girl tried to run away.
"Should we let her?" said Jadeite. "We already captured one. But this one might just let us kill her and even provoke us to when we tell her who she's supposed to date."
The girl was crying. "What do you want from me!?"
Kunzite covered her mouth.
"Let's go," said Kunzite.
They teleported away.
In the Negaverse, Melvin was sitting at a table.
"This is your new boyfriend," said Kunzite. "Date him or we will kill you."
The girl threw a wild punch, trying to get her own life taken.
But Kunzite wouldn't fall for it, and simply fled.
"Heya!" said Melvin. "Do you like eroge? I do! My personal favorite is-"
The girl threw a leaping kick at Melvin, knocking him unconscious.
She started beating him to oblivion.
"Hey!" said Kunzite, sprinting in.
He had a weapon in his hand, and held it to her neck.
"Do you not value your life at all?" he said.
She grabbed Kunzite's hand and pulled the trigger, because dating Melvin was worse than death.
"Unbelievable," said Kunzite.
"Let's just capture another one," said Zoisite. "Someone in this world must value their lives."
Five minutes later, Kunzite dumped out a sack. It had five random girls in it.
"Do any of you value your lives?" asked Kunzite.
"Yes," they all pleaded. "Let us live."
"I have ten dates planned today!" said Ms. Haruna. "Plenty O' Fish is a good app! Let me go, please, I wanna live!"
"Alright," said Kunzite. "It's simple. Then just date this man."
The girls stared at Melvin for a long time.
"Please take our life," they begged.
"Come on!" said Kunzite.
Melvin was starting to get offended.
"What is this!?" he said. "I have a good personality!"
"Alright," said Zoisite. "Let's get their families, and threaten to kill them as well."
"Alright," said Kunzite.
Zoisite held down the ship, while Kunzite took off to seize their families.
They kept throwing themselves at Zoisite like wild boars, but he held them off, barely.
"Come on," said Zoisite. "There's worse fates!"
Kunzite returned with the families.
"Here are your families," said Kunzite. "We will give them a very slow and painful death. It will take ten days, of pain and suffering. This is your final chance. Date this man."
The parents looked at the boy.
"You want our daughters to date THAT?" said a mom. "Give us ten days, give us twenty!"
"This is absurd!" said Melvin. "I'm not that bad! Really! So what if I talk about animes you've never watched? So what if I go on message boards for the purpose of getting banned and to flame people? I'm not a criminal, I'm a nice guy! I didn't ask these people to torture your families! I've never done any serious harm in my life! Well, besides that time I cyberbullied that kid to the point where he took his own life. But he had it coming! He raided my base, with hacks nonetheless! So he deserved it! But that's the only bad thing I've done! I wouldn't count watching those animes with those naked girls who were underage, because they were animated characters! Not real! Just lolis!" he added.
"Melvin," said Kenji. "Please."
"What?" said Melvin.
"Stop talking," said Kenji.
"Okay," said Ms. Haruna. "Please, not my parents."
"Yes your parents," said Kunzite. "We will put them on a torture bed right now. The sooner you finish a date with this boy, the less torture they will get."
"Don't do it, Sakurada!" said Haruna's parents who knew her first name. "Just let us get tortured! Eventually our hearts will give out! We'll refuse to eat their food, so we will only last thirty days maximum! Whatever you do, just don't date that boy!"
"No," said Haruna. "I won't let that happen. I value family over all, unlike these other people who half have already just taken their lives."
"Goodbye, cruel world," said one of the captured girls.
She took her life, and her parents followed suit.
"Does this mean you'll date him?" asked Jadeite.
"Unfortunately," said Ms. Haruna. "But just know I despise you, for inflicting this much pain on me. You are all horrible people."
"Come on," said Jadeite. "We're just trying to get our friend a date."
Ms. Haruna sat down at the table, and Kunzite snapped his fingers, and twenty candles that were set around the room flickered on.
The Shitennou fled the room, and watched from a one-sided window.
"Haruna-sensei?" asked Melvin. "Are you my old middle school teacher?"
"Melvin?" said Ms. Haruna. "What is this?"
"What is going on!?" agreed Melvin.
"Come on," said Zoisite through a speaker. "Remember those conversation topics we told you."
"Also," added Kunzite. "Don't even try strangling him, Haruna. We'll amp up the torture on your parents."
Haruna let out a growl. "So, MELVIN. How are you doing today?"
"Hmmm," said Melvin. "I'd prefer a younger girl. But I guess I'll pity you. I did have pictures of you from the gym after all."
"You what?!" said Haruna.
"But you dropped your standards really low, to date such a young boy, a former student nonetheless," scoffed Melvin.
"Don't act arrogant," said Haruna. "All the other girls ended their lives, even though they were forced to date you. And the only reason I'm here is because my parents are currently getting tortured."
"YoOoWWWOOOoooOOO!" yelled one of the parents, as Kenji in a black hood like an executor from the middle ages was commencing with the torture.
"So," said Melvin. "Do you like eroge?"
"What is that?" said Haruna. "I mean… I like it a lot! Please let my parents go," she added.
"Oh really?" said Melvin. "What's your favorite eroge?"
Haruna's parents' lives were on the line.
She thought deep in her memories, to five years ago when students were talking about their favorite eroge and she told them middle school students should not be playing eroge and should instead be studying.
"I… I forget the title," said Haruna. "But it's uh… the one with the nude girls. And the H scenes."
"Oooh, I like that one too!" said Melvin giddily. "My personal favorite eroge is-"
Melvin went off on a ramble, gushing and screaming from time to time.
Ms. Haruna was trying to think of a plan to kill Melvin and escape.
But even if she didn't escape, killing Melvin would be enough.
Suddenly Melvin was hit over the head with a chair, right at a pressure point.
Haruna started beating him in the neck, trying to sever his head.
All the Shitennou rushed in.
Kenji took out his medieval axe and finished off Haruna, but Melvin didn't make it, as even with her last dying breath, she threw a kick to his shin, killing him.
"That was really stupid," said Zoisite.
"What specifically?" said Jadeite.
"This whole thing," said Zoisite. "This has been one long stupid day. Why did we grab his teacher of all people?"
"Hey," said Kunzite. "I didn't know that. I just grabbed a batch off the street."
"So," said Kenji. "What do we do with her parents?"
"Just destroy them," said Zoisite. "We have no use for them anymore."
"Alright," said Kenji, putting back on his hood.
Suddenly Nephrite's phone beeped.
"What is this?" said Nephrite. "Did my clan get raided on CoC?"
"You still play that?" said Jadeite. "It's all about Clash Royale now."
"No," said Nephrite. "CoC's the OG."
"You're just speaking letters," said Kunzite. "You idiot boy."
Nephrite realized the notification was not his clan getting raided, and he let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's just my Plenty O Fish."
"Why do you have a Plenty O Fish?" asked Zoisite.
Nephrite tried to remember. "Ah, of course I don't. I downloaded it to make that deceased kid's profile. It seems a girl viewed his profile, and even commented of all things."
"Oooooooh!" said Kunzite. "Our resolve is not dead! Quick, let's take Melvin to Metalia and revive him!"
"Sadly that won't work," said Jadeite. "Metalia took her own life when I told her to date Melvin."
"What?" said Kunzite. "Why would you kill Metalia? You knew what would happen! Beryl's going to be really mad."
"Actually," said Jadeite. "I might have asked her as well. Let's just say that she's in an alternate universe with other people who are not living."
"Wow," said Kunzite. "That'd be a good way to kill the Sailors. Too bad Melvin's dead now, forever."
FIN
