"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl," said Zoisite, strolling in. "Today is a big day."

Zoisite was in a widow dress, with a black veil.

"Why?" said Beryl. "Is today the day we're going to find that crystal? I hope this get-up is part of a plan!"

"Sadly it is not," said Zoisite. "I'm merely mourning the death of a good friend."

"Kunzite will soon be doing the same if you don't get the crystal for our great ruler!" shouted Beryl.

"Shut up," said Zoisite.

But that's when Zoisite pushed his luck too far, and he was slain.

"Sad," said Jadeite.


Jadeite and Nephrite were in the Shitennou meeting room of all places, playing chess, as it had a big long table.

"Checkmate," said Nephrite.

"You're so wrong," said Jadeite. "You have a lot to learn. It was all just a trap. You thought you'd captured my queen, but it was just a pawn in disguise! My real queen is right there!"

"No!" said Nephrite. "Redo! Redo!"

"No redo," said Jadeite, killing Nephrite's queen with a double-move sneak attack.

"Damn," said Nephrite. "I hate this game. Let's play connect 4 now."

"I hate connect 4," said Jadeite. "Let's play connect 2. It's a lot more simple."

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I go first."

"Gentlemen," said Zoisite, entering.

"Zoisite," said Nephrite. "What do you want? We specifically reserved this room. If you want time in here you have to reserve it."

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "I'm not staying. I just came here to tell you about an important event."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Does this have something to do with the death of the good friend you mentioned earlier?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "We are going to his funeral."

"No we're not," said Nephrite.

"Please," said Zoisite. "I didn't treat this man very well when he was living, so it's my duty to come with a big crowd for his funeral. You wouldn't want his ghost to haunt us, would you?"

"There's something going on that you're not telling us," said Nephrite.

"No," lied Zoisite. "Just come. This is the rare occasion where I'm being genuine."

"Hmmmmm," said Nephrite. "Alright, but I'm not doing this for you. No man should have too small a crowd at his funeral."

"Be sure to not show up in your Shitennou uniforms, and instead wear black," advised Zoisite. "As is custom."

"Wait," said Jadeite. "When's the funeral?" he called as Zoisite fled.

"You'll know," said Zoisite.


Jadeite was sound asleep two days later.

"Mmm, spaghetti," he said. "Mmm, ravioli. What a great dream, I hope no one wakes me!" he mumbled in his sleep.

Suddenly his phone rang.

His ringtone was Futari no Honey Boy, which meant that Zoisite was calling, as that's the song Jadeite assigned to him.

"What do you want?" demanded Jadeite. "It's 6 AM!"

"Funeral," said Zoisite. "Let's go. Nephrite's already here."

"Shoot," said Jadeite. "Alright, I'm coming. I never back out of a commitment."

The Shitennou arrived at the graveyard.

"Ahhh," said Zoisite. "I remember this place."

Boxy the Priest was currently saying his starting words, when the Shitennou intruded on the gathering.

Everyone turned, and gave them the stink eye.

"Say, Zoisite," said Jadeite. "Are you sure we were invited?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I was invited by the man of the hour himself."

As they walked to their seats, everyone's eyes followed them.

Their seats were in the middle of the row, and as Zoisite scooched past the mourners, he said, "Howya doin'?"

They all sat down.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "Where's Kenji?"

"I didn't invite him," said Zoisite. "He would just act like a clown, and ruin the sad environment for these poor people."

"Wow," said Kunzite. "You're really serious about whoever this man was. He must have meant a lot to you."

"More than you know," whispered Zoisite. "More than you know."

"I don't know what that means," said Kunzite. "But I don't like it."

"Here ye, here ye," said Boxy. "We are gathered here on this sad event, to mourn the much too soon death of this young arcade worker, Motoki Furuhata."

"Oh geez," said Nephrite. "No wonder everyone's looking at us like that."

"His life was taken from him," said Boxy. "By what eye witnesses could only describe as some kind of energy beam. Here is his fiancée, Reika, to say her speech."

Reika got to the podium, but she was sobbing.

"I think we should go," said Jadeite. "We are not welcome here."

"You kill the man, and you go to his funeral," said Nephrite. "Why'd you have us all come seriously, when you obviously came here as a joke?"

"No joke," said Zoisite. "Motoki was a good man. It's a shame I had to take his life."

"You have a lot of nerve, coming here!" screamed Motoki's sister suddenly, interrupting Reika's sob-filled speech.

"I feel so sorry for you," said Zoisite, ignoring her hostile attitude. "To lose one's brother. I could only imagine."

"I'll kill you!" screamed Motoki's sister.

But the orange man put his hand on her shoulder. "He's not worth it."

"Thank you, orange man," said Motoki's sister. "I knew you would come."

"Ya," said the orange man.

Mamoru Chiba was there too, but he was texting on his phone.

He was scrolling through his contacts looking for someone to text.

"Yo," he sent Usagi, but she was at the funeral with her family, and she couldn't take out her phone or Kenji would give her a beating.

"I'm at this lame funeral…" messaged Chiba to Motoki.

"Oh right," realized Chiba.

He tucked away his phone.

"Ah, Kenji's here," noticed Nephrite.

"Yes!" called Kenji, several rows back. "But I'm here with my family, so don't expect me to act the way I usually do around you rowdy boys."

Motoki's mom was there, but she was drowning in tears.

Motoki's father even made an appearance, but he just shook his head solemnly and left the way he came.

"Goodbye, son," he said.

Motoki's mom got up to give a speech. "He was my favorite son," she said. "He was a good man, anything you could ever ask for in an arcade worker. He even showed up to eat dinner with me sometimes, even though he had his own apartment. He would talk about Unazuki."

"Who's that?" whispered Jadeite.

"Motoki's sister," explained Zoisite.

"Oh," said Jadeite. "I didn't know she had a name."

"He would say that she was out with boys," continued Motoki's mom.

"Stop embarrassing me, mother!" said Motoki's sister.

"Shut up," said Motoki's mom. "It is rude to talk when it's not your turn. Anyway," said Motoki's mom. "That's about it. I will conclude my speech with a quote from Motoki. 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'"

Zoisite leaned over to Kunzite. "That quote is from when he got hit by the beam."

"Ah," said Kunzite, understanding. "I guess those were his last words."

Motoki's mom sat down, and then Motoki's sister came up.

"I would like to begin my speech with a ten minute moment of silence to honor my brother," she said.

"Oh brother," groaned Mamoru. He debated leaving, but knew Motoki wouldn't leave his funeral if the roles were switched. So he stayed despite his better judgement.

Motoki's sister started to get teary-eyed, and Boxy consoled her by passing her a napkin.

"I always loved Motoki," she sobbed quietly. "More than a brother."

"Ooooh!" said Zoisite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Incest in wincest."

"Yes," agreed Grandpa, who was sitting behind them. "That's my favorite genre."

"It's not a genre," said Melvin. "Only a subset."

"Quiet!" said Boxy. "That's incredibly disrespectful! I want complete silence so this family can mourn!"

There was dead silence for about five minutes.

Shingle was rustling quietly. He might have tried to take out a Gameboy or something, but since their family was sitting far back, no one knew.

That's when Kenji quietly whispered, but everyone heard, "You'll be staying here soon too. I'll make sure of it. Where would you like your grave?"

Everyone just pretended to ignore it, but they were uncomfortable.

After the ten minutes that felt like a half an hour, Motoki's sister said a few more words and sat down.

Suddenly Zoisite jumped out of his seat and walked to the front.

"You have to respect the guy," said Nephrite. "He has gall."

"Hello," said Zoisite. "Today is a sad day."

"Wait a minute!" said Boxy. "It's you! The violent man, who attacked young Naru and then turned me into a beast!"

"Thank you," said Zoisite. "I'm glad you remember. Anyway,-"

"Hey!" said Reika. "It's the monster!"

"Hey!" said Kunzite, standing up. "Zoisite is a handsome young man! Far from a monster!"

"Awwwww!" said Zoisite.

"Hey, isn't she a Youma?" said Jadeite. "Yes, she must be. I feel her dark energy!"

"No!" cried Reika. "Noooo!"

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "I think that priest up there is also a Youma!"

That's when Boxy took out his boxing gloves, and rolled up his sleeves.

"Please, everyone!" said Zoisite. "This is a funeral! This is not a time for petty squabbles, this is a time to come together!"

"You're the one who killed him!" yelled Motoki's sister.

"A harsh accusation," said Zoisite sadly. "I won't stand for that at the boy's funeral. Sit down, loser."

Motoki's sister sat down.

"This is unbelievable," she said. "My brother's funeral has turned into a jamboree. Who invited him here?!"

"Sorry," said Kenji. "You said I could take a few guests."

Zoisite waited five minutes for everyone to stop talking.

"I can wait," he said.

Finally they settled down, and Motoki's mom took Reika back to her seat.

"Thank you," said Zoisite.

He turned to the giant picture of Motoki, and then turned to his gravestone.

It read, "Motoki Furuhata, killed by beam."

"Oh Motoki," said Zoisite. "We've always had our differences, but I did not wish for you to die. It was only a beam meant to knock you unconscious. That's why, in fact, I said, 'Sleep for a while.' But I put a little too much 'Oomph' in it, and now you're sleeping forever. I'm so sorry, Motoki."

"You're SHIT!" yelled Motoki's sister.

"That's it!" yelled Zoisite.

He fired a beam, sweeping Motoki's sister away and a few bystanders.

"Sleep for a while," said Zoisite, knowing he killed them on purpose.

"Hoo ha!" yelled Jadeite. "Now THIS is what you call a funeral!"

He threw a leaping kick, killing a person.

People started scrambling.

"Come back!" cried Zoisite. "No!"

"Quick!" said Boxy. "Bury the man so we can all leave! As a priest, I won't leave until this man has a proper burial!"

The men scrambled to dump the pile of dirt into Motoki's grave, when suddenly Kenji grabbed Shingle by both his arms, and flung him into the hole, alive and everything.

Shingle was very literally buried alive, as they tried to retract the dirt, but it was too late.

By the time they dug him up, his tiny lungs had given out.

Boxy leapt at Zoisite, but Zoisite threw a punch into his stomach, destroying him.

"We're gonna need more graves," commentated Jadeite.

Reika got Zoisite in a full nelson, but that's when Kunzite grabbed her by the throat, and slammed her into the podium, killing her.

Motoki's mom tried to run, but Kenji of all people leapt on top of her, and started throwing punch after punch.

But Motoki's mom was a fighter, and she grabbed his head and threw it into her knee, shattering his glasses along with his nose.

"HIYAAAA!" he yelled in pain.

Motoki's mom grabbed Kenji's tie, and pulled it so hard Kenji's head fell clean off.

Jadeite and Nephrite tried to avenge their friend Kenji, but Motoki's mom had gone to full bloodlust.

She threw punches and kicks, and Jadeite and Nephrite took a step back to get out of the range.

"This is getting crazy!" said Nephrite.

That's when a fleeing funeralgoer ran straight over her with their car, killing her and driving away like a bat out of hell.

"Oh," said Nephrite. "All's well that ends well."

After finishing off the rest, the Shitennou went home.

"Good funeral," said Jadeite, once they got to the Negaverse. "Thanks for inviting us."

That's when there was a bright light from Metalia's chamber, and Kenji came sprinting out, swinging.

"Let me at 'em!" he yelled.

"Kenji," said Kunzite. "It is over."

"Oh," said Kenji. "Did I beat her?"

They shook their heads.

"You mean, I lost to a girl?" said Kenji.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "You didn't just lose, you lost your life."

"Well, if anyone asks," said Kenji. "I'll say I went easy on her."

"So Zoisite," said Jed. "Are funerals always like that?"

"Well, every one I go to," said Zoisite. "One way or another, it always comes to blows."

"Hmmm," said Jadeite. "We should attend more! That was a lot of fun!"

"Good idea," said Zoisite.

"When's the next funeral?" said Nephrite.

"Right now," said Kunzite. "If you want."

"No," said Nephrite. "We'll just wait for one. Surely people will die."


The Shitennou showed up at the cemetery, with no specific plans.

"Look, there's one!" said Jadeite.

"Ah, good!" said Kunzite.

The Shitennou entered, but no one paid them any mind.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I'm gonna go up and speak. Wish me luck!"

"But you don't even know the guy," said Zoisite.

Nephrite shrugged, and got up to the stand.

"Hello, funeralgoers," he said. "Hey, why the long faces?"

No one laughed, except for Jed who let out a chuckle.

Nephrite waited.

"Yeee," he said, yanking on his collar. "Tough crowd."

"Sonny, this isn't a stand-up act, you're speaking at a funeral!" said an old lady.

"I'll be speaking at yours soon, eh?" laughed Nephrite, waiting for the crowd to go wild.

"Someone get him off there!" yelled a man.

"What is this?" said another person.

"Wowee, hecklers," said Nephrite. "Calm down. I'd like to see you do better."

Nephrite had a long pause when the hecklers backed down without saying anything.

"You know what the worst part of dying is?" began Nephrite. "There's no afterlife."

The crowd was starting to get annoyed.

"What does he know?" yelled the old lady.

"Knock knock," said Nephrite, as the people reached their limit.

"Who's there?" yelled Kenji.

"Not this guy in this picture," said Nephrite. "Because he's in the coffin. So he cannot be at a door."

There was an audible gasp throughout the crowd, at how much nerve this stranger had.

"Seriously, get him out of here!" yelled a couple people, as he was physically hauled off the stage.

Jadeite was next at the comedy stand. "The nerve of that man," he said. "I mean come on. Only a certain kind of sick person would get their thrills by telling jokes at a funeral! He should be put in prison!"

"Amen!" yelled the priest.

"Anyway," said Jadeite. "So on my way home last night, I heard a great song on the car radio, and I suddenly got the craving for a cheeseburger. So I went up to a McBeryl's, and I said, 'Can I have one cheeseburger?' But when I went to get my order, they said it was THREE dollars! And I said, 'I said a CHEESEburger! Not a quarter pounder with cheese!' And then the man replied, 'We already made the quarter pounder, would you like it?' And then I said, 'The only one who's going to get a quarter of a pounding, is you!''

"Thank you," said Jadeite, and then he walked offstage.

The crowd was confused.

"That was a pretty good punch line," commented Kunzite.

Kenji stepped up to the plate in a clown costume.

"Yo yo yo!" he yelled. He began juggling some knives, but suddenly one hit a kid right in the heart, killing them for life.

"Ha!" said Kenji. "That reminds me of the time I killed my son Shingle!"

Right as Kenji turned on "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," the police arrived.

"Alright," said the police. "Come on."

"No," said Kenji. "This man told me he wanted this to play at his funeral."

"That's a woman!" yelled someone from the crowd.

"Really?" said Kenji. "Yikes. I guess she did the world a favor by kicking the bucket. Speaking of kicking the bucket," he said.

He pulled a bucket of sparkles out of his clown suitcase, and threw it at the crowd with a kick.

He took a bottle of seltzer, and sprayed the priest.

He did a quick jig, and then turned to spray someone else, but it was the cops who had now gone up to the stand.

They grabbed him by the arms and started yanking him away.

Suddenly Jadeite dove through the air, tackling one of the policemen.

Five of them shot Tasers, and Jadeite ran from the Tasers, outrunning the cables until they reached the end of their cords and swung back, hitting the cops.

"Yeeyeyeeee!" yelled Jadeite, leaping over a fence and continuing to run.

They shot a Taser at Nephrite, but he ducked behind a gravestone, but the cord wrapped around the gravestone, binding him by the neck.

He had no choice but to uproot the gravestone, and throw it into two policemen, ending them.

"Convenient place to die," said Nephrite, leaving.

Kenji was wrestling the old woman on the floor, and finally threw the killing blow, when two policemen got him in a full nelson.

One started throwing punches at his exposed torso, but Kunzite ran up and destroyed them.

Kenji ran away with high knees. "Whoop whoop whoop!" he yelled.

As five policemen surrounded Kunzite, they all fired their Tasers at once.

But Kunzite did a mighty leapt at the last second, and all five Tasers collided, creating such an electrical explosion that some of the dead started to rise.

But the policemen were finished.

The woman whose funeral they were at came back to life, and started strangling Zoisite.

"Help!" yelled Zoisite. "Get this corpse off me!"

Kunzite threw a shoulderbash, destroying her, and Zoisite and Kunzite fled with five policemen and four zombies chasing after them on foot.

One of the people in the crowd randomly picked off one of the cops by throwing a punch, but he was Tasered to dust.

"Why did he throw a punch?" asked one of the cops.

"I guess he was just so mad his relative's funeral was crashed, he took it out on us."

"Foolish guy," said another cop.


"We will never forget this kind soul," said a priest. "Everything he did in his life was charitable. His final donation of 2 million dollars to the church has put him in everyone's hearts."

That's when they heard the loud song, "Study X Study" from Highschool DxD's ED.

"Study X Study?" asked a boy. "What's that doing here?"

That's when the Shitennou sprinted in in crazy costumes, and ran up on the stage.

They started dancing on the man's grave, doing a crazy jig like never before.

They all locked arms and started spinning, throwing high kicks every now and then as some kind of wacky dance routine.

"Hey, watch where you're dancing!" cried a lady. "You're dancing on a man's grave!"

"YEEEeEEE!" yelled Jadeite.

He threw a dropkick into the man's portrait destroying it.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" demanded someone.

Zoisite leapt off the stage, hoping to get carried away, but instead they threw him to the ground and started throwing punches.

"Owowowwiow," said Zoisite, covering his face.

People started running up to the stage to stop their dance, but they kept dancing relentlessly and refused to stop.

One man threw a punch right into Jed's face, but Jed pretended like he didn't feel it, and kept dancing.

Finally they forced them to stop, when they all threw them to the ground, and stomped on their boom box right as it turned to a different song.

That's when Jadeite stood up.

"Hey!" he said. "That boom box was expensive!"

A man threw a wild punch, but Jadeite threw his own, however Jadeite's landed, killing the man.

The Shitennou finished off everyone, and went home.

"Hey!" screamed Beryl, when they snuck in through her throne room, trying to kite past her but getting spotted anyway.

"You're getting blood all over the stone floor! What is the meaning of this?!"

"We were just crashing a funeral," said Zoisite. "We come in as the funeral clowns, and ruin everything!"

"All you guys seem to be doing is crashing things nowadays. I want in on this one."

"Mmm," said Kunzite. "I'm surprised you would partake in such an immature practice."

"I wouldn't usually," said Beryl. "But I'm hardly getting any screen time nowadays. So count me in."

"Hmmm," said Zoisite. "I guess you can come. But we take this very seriously. You better not mess up."

"Right," said Beryl.


The Shitennou and Beryl arrived at someone's funeral.

"Next week we should crash weddings," said Kenji.

"Quiet," said Jadeite. "We're here."

"What do I do?" asked Beryl.

"Come on, rookie," said Nephrite. "Just watch how it's done."

Zoisite stepped up to the stage.

He pulled out a piece of paper.

"It was this man's time," he said. "He had it coming. Now the universe is right."

"What the hell does that mean?" said the priest.

Zoisite sat back down, after leaving an ambiguous message.

"See?" said Zoisite. "It's easy. Just say anything. Except for something sincere."

The crowd was mumbling amongst themselves. "What in the world did that mean? It sounded like an insult!"

Kunzite stepped up to the hot seat next. "I am glad this man died," he said. "I prayed every day for it to happen, and now it did, so I came to laugh. Hahahaha!"

He sat back down.

"Wow," said Beryl, in awe. "You're doing things we have all imagined doing, but no one would ever have the nerve to do them. And their foolish human morals would get in the way."

Jadeite walked up. "AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he yelled.

He nodded his head solemnly, and sat back down.

"You're up," said Zoisite to Beryl.

"Alright," said Beryl. "I can do this."

Beryl stepped up. "Hello, everyone," she said.

All eyes were on her.

That's when someone threw a leaping kick at her before she could say anything.

She grabbed him by the leg and threw him off into the distance.

"What was that about?" she said.

"You're with that crowd of troublemakers!" he said.

He ran up to the stand and threw a grand slam, and Beryl was forced to kill him.

"She's blowing it," said Kenji. "Spit something out! Anything! You're breaking our momentum!"

"Umm…" said Beryl.

That's when the priest ran up and socked her, and she was forced to put him in an eternal sleep.

"So," she said. "This uh… it's pretty stuffy out today, huh?"

A man leapt on her back, and started throwing punches, and Beryl had no choice but to throw herself to the ground, squashing him.

That's when Nephrite ran up, trying to salvage their act.

"No, back off!" said Beryl. "I got this."

"Skiddly doodly doo!" yelled Nephrite.

The crowd went wild with fury, due to Nephrite's provocative comment, and a huge brawl broke out.

"You disappoint us," said Zoisite, once Beryl returned. "You took too long, and people started throwing punches. After that it was ruined, because now they think they won."

"Well, it was my mistake," said Beryl. "I didn't realize that if you paused even for a second, they'd attack you. But I won't make that mistake again."

"You won't be able to, sadly," said Kunzite. "You are not invited to the next funeral."

"What do you mean?!" said Beryl. "I am your queen!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But not sorry."

"Okay," said Beryl. "Then Zoisite's not invited to the next funeral."

"What do you mean?" said Zoisite.

Beryl killed Zoisite. "Because he will be the one the funeral's about," explained Beryl.

"No!" said Kunzite. "You can come, bring him back!"

"Sorry," said Beryl.

"This is why we don't want to take you," said Jadeite. "You mess up, and then you kill someone."

Jadeite dropped like a stone, after getting hit by a powerful crystal ball attack.

Kenji leapt on Beryl's back. "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

Beryl leapt back, squashing him like a bug, and Nephrite threw a punch to Beryl's stomach, killing her.

"RIP," said Kunzite. "Looks like we have to have some more funerals. But frankly I'd be sad if someone crashed them."


Queen Beryl showed up at a funeral.

But the Shitennou weren't there.

"What gives?" demanded Beryl. "Did they really send me to the wrong funeral, because they're still salty about the whole killing ordeal?! You gotta be kidding me!"

A woman went up to start talking at the funeral, and she started to sob.

She looked sadly at the coffin. "Goodbye, Yuuji," she said.

That's when Jadeite sprung out of the coffin like a jack-in-the-box, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Everyone was frightened to death, and some took their lives out of fear.

A brawl broke out shortly after, with the survivors taking on the Shitennou, but they were all slain.

"Wow," said Beryl. "I wish I could be as good as them."