"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite. "Queen Beryl!"

Zoisite sprinted in in a frenzy, hands flailing and everything.

"Ooooooh!" said Beryl. "Have you finally done it? Have you found the Silver Crystal?!"

"No," said Zoisite, after a pause.

"Well then maybe a Koopa will lend us his," said Beryl. "If we persuade him."

"Oh haha, Hotel Mario," recalled Zoisite. "Odd reference."

"Thanks," said Beryl. "I've been playing through the game again. Honestly, the cut-scenes aren't that bad."

"Don't get me started," said Zoisite. "This isn't about that. I have important news to relay."

"Did you find a new source of energy?" asked Jadeite. "I could really use a hand here."

"No," said Zoisite. "Stop interrupting me."

He opened his mouth.

Nephrite marched in. "Is this some kind of jamboree? If so, it's not a good one."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Zoisite. "Quiet!"

Everyone was quiet.

"Thank you," said Zoisite. "Did you know, that in the police academy, policemen actually taze other policemen?"

"Huh?" said Nephrite.

"It's true," said Zoisite. "And they also pepper spray them in the eyes. They make them open their eyes, and then they make them run an obstacle course after. Only after they complete it can they wash out their eyes with a filthy hose."

"Zoisite, that story is obviously a bunch of baloney," said Beryl. "Do police academies really condone such cruel and unusual behavior?"

"I'm afraid so," said Zoisite. "I've seen videos of it. Very brutal. They hold them down, and then taze them in the back. It's the only way to graduate."

"That sounds pretty brutal," said Jed. "Why would they do something like that?"

"I couldn't tell you," said Zoisite. "But I'm appalled. Let's head to the meeting room to figure this out."

"Right," said Jadeite and Nephrite.

They headed towards the door.

Queen Beryl was headed with them.

"Let me stop you there," said Zoisite. "It's the Shitennou meeting room. Not the rarely used Shitennou and Beryl meeting room."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "What about the 100% form Metalia, army and Beryl meeting room?"

"Look," said Zoisite. "You wouldn't like to see what goes on behind the scenes in the Shitennou meeting room. So it's best you just stay out of this."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I suppose you're right. Let me know what happens."

The Shitennou left.

Beryl sighed. "I should demolish that meeting room."


Kunzite was already in the meeting room, and so was Kenji, who was eating some toast as a snack.

"I'm glad you're here," said Kunzite. "Kenji kept telling me stories about abusing his son Shingle, and they get old very quickly. He told me two identical ones in a row, with the only difference being how many punches he threw before drowning him in the toilet."

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "You wouldn't be saying that if you heard the story about the time I replaced one of my car's wheels with Shingle, and entered a street race. Needless to say, Shingle did not survive."

"Sad," said Grandpa, who was reading his newspaper and was just there to hang out. "Shingle was a cute young boy. I wouldn't mind taking him under my wing, or under my pants."

"Ho ho ho!" said Kenji. "I might just let you do that."

"Please don't," said Zoisite.

The Shitennou sat down.

"So what are we here to discuss?" said Kenji.

"Well," said Zoisite. "In case you haven't heard-"

"I have," said Kenji. "Kunzite briefed me in order to try to get me to stop talking about killing my small son Shingle."

"Then why'd you ask what we're here to discuss?" asked Zoisite.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

"We're going in circles," said Nephrite. "Let's just get on with it. Why do they taze people in the police academy?"

"Mmm," said Zoisite. "Well, according to multiple Youtube comments, along with a couple documentaries, it appears that this is so they know what it is like to be on the receiving end of a Taser and pepper spray, so they think before using these things and only do it as a last resort. It's also so they can testify in court and say with honesty that they know the full capacity of a Taser, in case someone drops from a Taser or something."

"Hmmmmm," said Nephrite, thinking for a long time. "I don't know if I'm buying that. I think that if someone got tasered at the police academy, they'd be spiteful and use it more, so others felt how they felt."

"I agree," said Kunzite. "If I got tazed I would taze everyone I saw, so they were on my boat."

"Hmm," said Jadeite, who was on his Red Flyer laptop. "This reliable Youtube commenter said they do the pepper spray so that they know what to do if a criminal pepper sprays them, since every man in the world carries a pepper spray. That is why they make them run an obstacle course sometimes. But you can't say the same for a Taser; there's nothing to learn about how to deal with it. You just drop."

"I should taze and pepper spray my son Shingle," commented Kenji, however this did not contribute to the discussion. "And then kill him."

"Mmmmmmm," said Kunzite. "This whole Taser thing sounds fishy though. If what Jadeite's Youtube commenter says is true, then the tasering them doesn't make sense, as two people hold them down and not many people own Tasers."

"That's what I'm saying," said Jadeite. "This Youtube commenter might be wrong, though."

"Sad," said Zoisite. "So what's the plan, boys?"

"I believe the next step is obvious," said Nephrite. "But first we're going to watch some videos of people getting tased in the police academy off of Youtube for lols."

They brought in the projector, and started playing videos of people getting tased.

"oof!" yelled Zoisite cringing.

"Wooo," said Kunzite, neither pleased nor upset.

"Oooh," said Jadeite. "That would be how Tuxedo would look if he got hit by my lightning."

"Ouch," said Zoisite. "That looks very painful. Let's not actually go to the police academy to find out if it's real. All these videos suggest it is, so that's good enough for me."

"We gotta go," said Kunzite. "It's the only way."

Next they brought up the pepper spray videos.

"Ooooooooooooh," yelled Jadeite, covering his eyes.

"Oooof," said Kunzite, cringing.

"Holy moly," said Zoisite. "There's like ten people spraying that man."

"Keep your eyes open!" yelled someone on the screen.

"That's it, I've had enough," said Zoisite. "I can't watch this anymore. It's time to go to the police academy."

The Shitennou and Kenji left.

Grandpa folded his newspaper. "Mmm," he said.


The Shitennou arrived at the police academy.

"This reminds me of the time I joined the military," said Kenji.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I was there. I think that's where we met."

"Yes," said Kenji. "I was going to beat you with pillowcases full of soap. How things have changed since then. Actually, apparently not much has changed. You joined the army to try to get people to hit you with sacks of soap, and now you join the police academy to get Tasered. It's funny how things go full circle."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But this circle is an endless loop. I'm sure we'll be back in a situation like this soon enough if something else makes us mad or intrigued."

They entered the building.

"Hey," said the chief. "What makes you boys think you can be cops?"

"Ah," said Jadeite. "We didn't say we were gonna apply to be a cop yet. But it's your lucky day, because we are. I think we have the charisma to survive a taser and a pepper spray."

"Say," said Zoisite to the chief. "Is that rumor true? Do you really taze and pepper spray recruits?"

The chief gave an odd expression. But then he laughed. "You'll have to find out."

The Shitennou sighed.

"Looks like we're in this for the long haul," said Kunzite.

The chief handed the boys their uniforms.

"Mmm," said Jadeite. "At least we still have matching uniforms."

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "Now I'm one of you."

"Can Kenji even survive the training?" wondered Nephrite. "He is far past his prime."

"Wanna buck heads?" challenged Kenji.

"No," said Nephrite. "I'm just saying. There's a lot of tough training, and you know what will happen at the end."

"I can take it," said Kenji. "If they try to Taser me, I'll just give 'em the old one-two."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I'll give 'em the three-four."


The first 3 months of police academy was boot camp, to wittle out all the slackers and physically unfit ones.

The Shitennou passed with relative ease, because they were generally fit and this was not their first bootcamp.

"I remember Negabootcamp," said Kunzite. "It was a lot harder than this."

The four Shitennou easily hopped through the tire course, but Kenji was having a lot of trouble, as he was not used to such exercise.

"Hoo," he said, gasping for air. "If I was 20 years younger, oh boy. You'd all be sorry."

"Keep it moving," said the chief.

Kenji barely passed the bar, and was only two people away from getting cut from the recruit force.

"Phew, I did it!" said Kenji. "I really had to put in 120%."

Kenji now had a six pack from all the intensive training, and now he was actually a good enough fighter to take down a majority of regular humans.

"If I ever see that Motoki," said Kenij. "He'll be sorry."

"I'll get to him first," vowed Zoisite.

"Oh, and Mamoru Chiba," recalled Kenji. "That boy was dating my daughter."

"Woah there," said Jadeite. "I don't know if you can take him, even now. He fought a Droido to a standstill. And he held off Zoisite with one arm."

"False," said Zoisite. "That wasn't even his base form, fool."


The next ten months were in a classroom environment, where they taught them all the basics, as well as advanced laws and practices.

Towards the end of their training, they started talking about the weapons cops were equipped with.

They spent a very long time on guns, but then they moved to nightsticks, and then came the moment they were waiting for, when they started talking about Tasers and pepper sprays.

They spent one full month learning about the Taser, and two weeks about pepper spray.

"I'm getting excited," said Nephrite. "I wonder if they'll really do it. I wanna know the answer to this mystery."

Every day, the Shitennou walked in disappointed when no one was getting Tasered.

But that's when the day arrived, and people started to get Tasered.

"Who's the first volunteer to get Tasered?" said the chief.

"No way," said Zoisite. "They're actually doing this. This can't be happening."

No one volunteered, so they hauled a poor victim up.

"Wait!" he said. "I don't want to do this anymore! I quit the academy!"

But two men got him by the arms, and a cruel man who wasn't particularly tough readied the Taser.

There was a popping sound as the man tried to escape the grip.

The man was tazed, and the Shitennou gasped.

"AAAAAAIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he screamed in agony, as the two men brought him to the ground.

After a ten minute tazing, they released the man, but he continued to lay there.

"Ouch," said Jadeite. "It's even more horrifying up close."

"You know what's odd," said Zoisite. "They didn't give us a single reason on why they're doing this. I guess it's completely up to our imagination and advice from Youtube commenters."

"Alright, next," said the chief.

That's when a brave man walked up and took his Taser like a man.

He stood there for five minutes not even uttering a sound, or even moving, but eventually he couldn't take it anymore, and he started howling.

"AJWEJJGWJEGJWEGOWEGOWEJOG!JHJ!" he yelled, dropping to the ground.

"STOP!" cried Zoisite, genuinely upset. "Holy moly! How much longer?! Are we really going to do this for every single person?! Are they even keeping track?! Would they know if I slipped out of the ranks?!"

"No," said Kunzite. "They are keeping track. Look at that guy with a clipboard, who's not particularly tough."

Jadeite clenched his fist. "The man who's holding the Taser is an evil creature. He should be tazed a hundred times for getting so much enjoyment out of this. How can he sit there and torture men who just want to be cops?"

After every single unnamed person got tazed, with 5 casualties, it was only two people away from the Shitennou and Kenji.

A man walked up crying.

"Please be gentle," he said.

But they were not. The cruel man triggered the Taser, and the man let out a howl like Chewbacca, and he easily could have been put in the next Star Wars movie.

"We should kill that man with the Taser, for finding such a cruel way to get his jollies," said Nephrite.

"He's just doing his job," said the last man standing that wasn't one of them.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But I thought they were trying to teach us what it felt like to be tasered, so we do not use our Tasers all willy-nilly. Thus I believe this man should be tasered, as he is getting too giddy from tasing people. He probably couldn't even survive a Taser, as he doesn't look particularly tough."

"Well, that's your opinion," said the man, stepping up to his doom.

He ended up being one of the few whose lives were claimed as he refused to get pushed to the ground.

They sent three more Tasers his way until he dropped, and when he was on the ground, a man ran up with a non-retractable Taser, one ten times as strong as all other Tasers, the new model in fact, high tech.

He started shocking him on the leg, and the man starting flailing.

But the tazing maniac didn't stop, even though he wasn't particularly strong, and continued to chase down his leg.

Finally the tazee breathed his final breath and left the living realm.

"We have to get out of here," said Zoisite, as they carried the man away in a coffin.

"Who's next?" asked the chief.

Jadeite bolted for the door, and Zoisite followed suit.

But the door was glued shut.

"NO!" screamed Jadeite. "Let us out! This is madness!"

"I'm calling the police!" cried Zoisite.

That's when Kenji was pulled up to the hot seat.

"Fight!" yelled Nephrite. "Show them what you got, Kenji!"

Kenji tried to fight, but the two men got him in a death grip.

Kenji heard the pop, but at the last second he summoned all his strength, throwing himself to the side and taking the men with him.

The Taser missed, and hit a man who barely survived the last Taser.

He died.

Kenji finally broke free, but they quickly grabbed him again.

They fired a Taser right into Kenji's chest, but Kenji grabbed ahold of the cord and yanked it as hard as he could, since the man with the Taser wasn't particularly strong.

He actually pulled him pretty far, but that's when ten more Tasers came from all angles, and then a man just came out and shot him clean in the head with a gun for resisting.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the Shitennou in horror.

"You maniac, he had a son!" yelled Kunzite.

"Who's next?" asked the man.

The Shitennou looked at each other.

There was an unspoken consensus, and then Jadeite hung his head and stepped up.

He was going to take it like a man, as that's what Nephrite would have done, maybe even Kunzite, but he heard the pop sound.

He suddenly had a burst of rage, and grabbed the three shock ends of the Taser in his fist and clenched it tight.

The cruel man turned up the Taser to 200%, but it seemed to have no effect on Jadeite's hand that was holding it.

Jadeite's fist was surrounded by sparks, but miraculously, he seemed to be sustaining no damage.

"What is this?!" yelled the weak man.

That's when Jadeite released the Taser, and then fired lightning out of his palm, zapping the man at the right temperature to keep him living but cause a mass amount of suffering for 20 long minutes as the Shitennou cheered.

"You did it, Jadeite!" exclaimed Zoisite. "You avenged all the men who got Tasered!"

"It's not over," said Jadeite. "Tomorrow's the pepper spray."

Zoisite clenched his fist, and then bit his thumb. "It's not fair," he said.


It was the next day.

Only three men and the Shitennou showed up, as most people were still injured from the Tasers, and the rest dropped out when they heard they'd be pepper sprayed in their open eyes.

The obstacle course before them was surrounded by lava, and there were swinging blades that even when someone wasn't peppered sprayed, would still be a challenge.

At the end were three men with clubs, who you would have to fight if you beat the obstacle course.

"This is it!" said Jadeite. "I'm so ready to get pepper sprayed!"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "Me too. I want to graduate."

"Welcome back," said Jadeite.

Kenji had gauze around his head from the injury, but was looking fit as a fiddle.

"Why are you guys not terrified?" asked Zoisite.

"Well for me," said Jadeite. "I put glass cases over my eyes, like what alligators have. So I'm not too worried."

"And I," said Kenji. "Have glasses."

"Amateurs," said Nephrite. "I drew eyes on my eyelids, so they think my eyes are opened when they're not. It still might sting though."

"Oof," said Kunzite. "Zoisite, why didn't we think of anything like that?"

"I hoped it wouldn't come to this," said Zoisite. "Surely they won't really Taser us and then pepper spray us."

But that was when the first man walked up to meet his demise.

"Eyes open," they barked.

"I don't wanna," said the man.

They chopped off his head, and then tore him to shreds.

The next man walked up.

"Eyes open," they said.

"Why?" said the man, already accepting his demise but just wanting an answer.

"Because," said the cruel man. "You need to get the full effect of the pepper spray."

"WHHHY?!" yelled Jadeite.

"You monster!" yelled Nephrite.

"Shut up," said the chief. "Alright, begin."

That's when they peppered sprayed the poor man in the eye, and then threw a punch just for a bonus of asking why.

The man was sent down the obstacle course, and the only reason he kept going was to hopefully wash out his eyes, as they wouldn't let him until he completed it.

That's when he timed the swinging axes wrong as he couldn't see, and he was sliced in half.

"Oooooooh," said the cruel man. "Wipeout."

"Hmm," said Kenji. "I can understand the axes, but why do we have to run around these cones? And why do we have to throw punches at this guy with a punching mat?"

"Too much questions," said the man. "Now are you ready?"

"Yeperoo," said Kenji, who was in a relatively good mood.

They got ready with the pepper spray, but then paused.

"Take off your glasses," they said.

"Huh?" said Kenji. "Why?"

"Full effect," said the man.

"But," said Kenji. "The obstacle course is clearly meant to teach us how to deal with it if we get pepper sprayed by a criminal. But I would never have my glasses off, as I cannot see without them. Moreover, why wouldn't you teach cops to shut their eyes if someone pulled out a pepper spray? In fact, I think any normal person would. So there's no point of learning its full effect if it would never come to be."

They caught Kenji off guard, and shattered his glasses with a single punch.

Then they released 20 gallons of pepper spray right in his eyes.

With no other choice, Kenji started running.

"You can do it!" called Jadeite.

But Kenji tripped over some cones, and soon his eyes permanently stopped working.

"Get back up!" said Nephrite. "Please! Hang in there!"

But Kenji couldn't withstand the pain anymore, and jumped into the lava.

Two men dived in after him with pepper spray, as they wouldn't let him off the hook that easy.

No one knew what happened in the lava, but no one surfaced.

Jadeite hopped up next, and grinned knowing that his plan was foolproof.

They pepper sprayed him in the eyes, but luckily it had no effect.

"Ooooooof," he said pretending.

He took off running, and did the obstacle course flawlessly, which included leaping through ten flaming hoops, taking out his own pepper spray and spraying a dummy, beating up 20 men, and completing a Rubik's cube in under ten seconds.

"Excellent work, private," said the chief. "You're now a cop."

"What is this," said Jadeite. "The military? No privates."

"Whatever," said the man. "You're a cop now."

"Good," said Jadeite.

Jadeite went to kill everyone, when Nephrite shook his head.

"It's my turn," he said. "You got it last time."

"Alright," said Jadeite. "Do as you wish."

Nephrite stepped up to get pepper sprayed, with his eyes shut, but no one could tell.

They pulled out the gallons, when Nephrite threw a punch into the man's stomach, and he dropped to the ground.

Neph started kicking him on the ground, doing leaps after every kick like some kind of crazy soccer player.

"Phew," said Zoisite. "I'm glad Nephrite stopped that crazy man before it was my turn."

Nephrite destroyed the man, and everyone else.

"It's not over yet," promised the chief, who was now the villain. "Tomorrow you will find out the true effects of a flame thrower."

"Yikes," said Nephrite. "Well, cya tomorrow."


It was the next day, and two men had the full heat proof costumes on and were sporting flame throwers.

"We're really doing this," said Zoisite.

"Is this what it takes to become a cop?" said Kunzite.

A regular man stepped up to the plate.

"So, is that like an actual flamethrower?" he asked.

That's when they released the flames, burning the man to a crisp.

"Oof," said Jadeite. "This is nuts."

"They must keep this part of the training top secret," said Nephrite. "I can't find a single video on YouTube."


It was the next day.

"Alright," said the chief. "This is training in case the person you're pursuing has police dogs."

"Huh?!" said Zoisite.

The chief summoned the full might of the canine unit, and sicked them all on a poor unsuspecting man.

"I didn't survive the flamethrowers for THIIIIIIIIIIIS!" he screamed.

He was torn to shreds.

It was Kenji's turn, as they had somehow established an order.

"Alright, you mangy mutts," he said, getting in his fighting stance. "Come at me!"

The dogs hesitated for a second, but that's when a particularly brave mutt lunged at Kenji.

Kenji threw a mightypunch, knocking the beast out of the air, but two more took its place and leapt on Kenji, taking him to the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed.

He did not survive.

Next was Jed.

"I thought I graduated?" said Jed.

"No," said the chief. "You'll never graduate. This academy will go till the end of time, until every last participant is defeated."

"That may never happen, since Kenji keeps coming back to life," said Zoisite.

"Don't worry," said the chief. "We always have one or two like him. After trial 17, there's nothing left of them but ash, and they don't even want to come back to life."

"Yikes," said Kunzite. "But sadly it's our resolve to survive this police training. You'll run out of torture methods eventually."

"You'd be surprised," said the chief. "Now sick 'em, boys."

A mutt leapt at Jadeite, but Jadeite stuck out his arm, and the beast chomped down on it.

But while its teeth were dug in, Jadeite gently petted the creature, and it calmed down.

"There there, boy," said Jadeite. "I know you took a lot of lives today, but you don't have to keep doing this."

The dog saw the error in its ways, and retreated.

But the other ten weren't going down that easily.

One leapt at Jed, but Jed kicked it out of the air.

Another one leapt from behind, but Jadeite grabbed it by the snout, and swung it into another.

That's when ten piled on top of him, and he fought until the late hours of the night.

The chief finally got tired and went to bed.

"Tell me how it goes," he said, cashing in for the night.

Jadeite was still fighting for his life, but was starting to get fatigued.

"Wait!" said Nephrite. "We can help him, now that the chief's not even watching."

But there was a scrawny man with a clipboard, who was keeping track of who completed the challenges. He shook his head.

"Ugh," said Kunzite. "Looks like we gotta wait for Jadeite to deal with this himself."

He eventually did, and got mad and killed the guy with the clipboard.

The chief returned.

"What is this," he said. "Why is my clipboard and its holder torn to shreds?"

"Sorry," said Jed. "He got hit in the crossfire of the pups."

"That's sad," said the chief. "Looks like you gotta do all those tests again."

"Please, no," said Zoisite. "The clipboard's still recoverable. Only the man is gone."

"Hmmmm," said the chief. "I guess it'd be a lot of trouble to get back out the Tasers. I guess we'll proceed, after you all finish the pup challenge."


It was 15 challenges in.

"Alright," said the chief. "Today we're going to test out how strong the bulletproof vests are, by seeing what happens when we don't use them."

The class consisted of only the Shitennou and Kenji at this point.

"Why I keep coming back is beyond me," said Kenji.

"You're right," said Kunzite. "You should just stay dead."

"I can't do that," said Kenji. "No matter how much suffering I endure, I will pass this class and become a policeman and arrest Shingle."

"Dumb motive," said Zoisite.

But that's when Zoisite was shot from 30 guns, and torn to shreds.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Kunzite. "You switched up the order. That's no fair!"

Kunzite put up a barrier, and 20 machine guns fired at him.

Eventually they ran out of bullets.

"Phew," said Kunzite, dropping his barrier.

But that's when they brought in the tanks, and there was a giant explosion.

Kunzite barely survived, as he was off guard.

"I thought this was the gun round, not the tank round!" yelled Kunzite. "Everything's been off about these trials ever since the pepper spray! And even the Taser was a little fishy! I demand to speak to your advisor!"

"I'm confused," said Nephrite, who was barely clinging to life just from the crossfire. "Is this some kind of police camp, or some kind of torture camp? What if we went to the wrong place? Jadeite, you're sure this is a police camp?"

But when he turned to Jadeite, Jadeite was no more.

He was covered head to toe with bullet wounds.

"Goodbye," he said.

Kenji's body was stuck to the wheel of the tank.

"Oh the irony," said Kenj, as his spine was snapped like a twig.


It was the 33rd round, and only Kunzite, Nephrite and Kenji remained.

"Well I'll be darned," said the chief. "We got ourselves a pack of determined Dennis's. No one's ever made it this far."

"Hold up," said Kunzite. "I don't get this. Why does Kenji keep coming back to life? He should have stopped coming long ago. But he is some kind of glutton for punishment. And Zoisite only died once, yet he didn't come back, and Jadeite came back only three times until he refused to go away from the light and went there permanently."

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji, who was covered in bandages head to toe. "I have a killer resolve."

"I think I'm only gonna last a few more," said Nephrite. "And then I'm not coming back. That is if I'm even offered the chance to come back, which seems to be only given to some."

"Hmm, that's odd," said Kenji. "Because I've been brought back about 33 times now. Wait, what trial is this?"

"33," said the man.

"Ah, good," said Kenji. "Well, let's keep going."

"Alright," said the chief. "This round-"

Then he pulled out a list. "Have we done tear gas yet?" he asked.

"Yes, round 20," barked Kunzite. "And round 30."

"Ah," said the chief. "Have we done…"

He paused for a moment. "Have we done the one where we closed in the walls on you?"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "Round 24."

"Hmm," said Chief. "Let me go get my back-up list, as we seem to have done all the ones on this list."

"We gotta figure out a way to get out of this mess," said Kunzite. "I can't take this anymore."

"No," said Kenji. "We gotta keep going."

"That's easy for you to say," said Nephrite. "You die relatively quickly, and you don't have to suffer like us."

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Compared to me, you die relatively quickly, Nephrite. I liked the rounds back in the day where they didn't even go for me."

"I liked the ones where the evil men were actually weak enough to be defeated," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite," said Kunzite. "I must give you credit where credit is due. You are a real man, sticking through it for this long."

"Thanks," said Nephrite. "You too, I guess."

"What about me?" said Kenji.

"Shut up," said Kunzite. "You don't even get most of the beatdowns. While we have to endure all of it."

"Don't blame me," said Kenji. "You didn't have to decide to be cops. I'm just along for the ride now."

"Ok," said the teacher, returning in a steam roller. "Now this round is to test if you can get run over by a steamroller and survive. And if you do, then we'll see if you can survive a dynamite explosion when the dynamite is on your head."

Kenji pulled out a gun and shot himself, as he had started to do at the beginning of most rounds.

"Dammit Kenji," said Nephrite.

"Alright," said the chief, who didn't even continue the full explanation of the trial. "And then," he said. "You're gonna eat this chemical, that will melt your body from the inside out. Oh, and then 20 rounds of pepper spray. And then you'll have to run through this field of poisonous barbed wire, and then climb an electric fence."

Kunzite and Nephrite gulped.


It was round 106, and Kenji was the only one who continued to come back every day.

Kunzite made it to round 80, but then finally gave up on living.

Nephrite quit long before that.

"Well I'll be," said the chief. "You're really clinging."

"Heh," said Kenji. "It's what I do."

"Now let's see," said the chief. "What's in store today?"

"Might I suggest some kind of toaster-related suffering?" asked Kenji. "Like cooking me in a giant toaster, or throwing me in a bathtub with a toaster."

"Say," said the chief. "That's a good idea. We'll try that in ten more rounds, if I can get my hands on a big toaster or a bathtub."

"Alright," said Kenji.


It was round 214, and the chief was starting to get weary.

"You're pushing your luck, boy," said the chief. "You won't give up on this cop dream, will you boy?"

Kenji was no longer capable of producing words, so he just nodded.

If one saw him, they wouldn't think he was currently living. They might not even know he was human.

But he was definitely there, in the flesh.

"Let's see, ummm," said the chief, clenching his head.

He stared at a list of 100 crossed out ideas, and shook his head.

"I got nothing," he said. "How about today you go wrestle some grizzly bears?"

Kenji nodded, as the man summoned some grizzly bears out of the woodworks.

Kenji threw a blow, but then the bear grabbed him in its big meaty claw and threw him to the ground.

One got him in a full nelson, while the other threw blow after blow until Kenji was no more.


It was round 304, and the chief lay on the ground sobbing.

"Why won't you stay dead?!" he said.

Kenji shrugged. "That's what my son Shingle keeps saying."

"Say," said the chief. "You look particularly spry today."

"Yes," said Kenji. "I hit Starbuck's on the way here. Pretty good coffee, but not the best I've had. Ikuko makes better. I haven't seen her in a while, I wonder if she's okay. I wouldn't be, if I had to take care of that rat kid Shingle."

"Wow," said the chief. "Coming back to life seems to run in the family, as you can never seem to get rid of that son Shingle of yours."

"I know," said Kenji. "It's like I'm in some kind of purgatory, where I'm stuck having to kill Shingle every day. But I don't mind. In fact, I'd almost call it a heaven. I don't know what I'd do if Shingle died for good. All I would have left is toast."

The chief finally got frustrated at Kenji's unwavering resolve, and finally handed him a badge.

"What's this," said Kenji. "Am I supposed to swallow this?"

"No," said the chief. "This is your badge."

"What is this?" said Kenji. "Girl Scouts?"

"No," said the chief. "This is a police badge. Don't you remember why you enrolled and why you're taking challenge after challenge?"

"Honestly," said Kenji. "I kinda forgot. It's been over a year since I started these challenges, and two years since I enrolled in the police academy. It's all just kind of a blur now, with all this dying and respawning and whatnot."

"Please," begged the chief, starting to fade away. "Just leave me be."

"You don't look so good," said Kenji. "What's wrong?"

"That badge was my life force," said the chief. "That's why I give people such a hard time before they can get it."

"Hmm," said Kenji. "Well, sucks for you. Goodbye!"

Kenji left, and the chief faded away.


Shingle was in his room, playing Minecraft.

"SHITTER!" he yelled when he lost a PvP match.

That's when Kenji barged in, wearing a full police uniform.

"Alright, son," he said. "You have the right to remain silent."

"But," said Shingle.

Kenji tossed him a taze, and then a pepper spray, and then cuffed him. "You're coming with me to the slammer," he said.

"No!" cried Shingle. "Why, Papa?! I didn't do anything?!"

Kenji arrested Shingle.

"GG, skid," he said.

Kenji testified before the judge.

"As an officer of the law," said Kenji. "It is with the utmost honesty I tell you that this boy killed 30 men. He should be put to death."

"Hey!" squeaked Shingle. "I never killed anyone! This is all a big mistake!"

"Hmm, if you never killed anyone," said Kenji. "Then why is your kill/death ratio on Minecraft over one? Are you saying you never beat anyone in PVP?!"

"No!" said Shingle. "I did! I killed many people!"

"That's all I needed to hear," said the judge.

"Wait, no!" said Shingle. "I'm talking about a game! It's Minecraft!"

"Tell it to the judge," said the judge.

"I did!" said Shingle. "No!"

"Mmm," said Kenji. "All's well that ends well."

Shingle was given the lethal injection and put to rest.

FIN