"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Your pitch sounds good," critiqued Nephrite. "But maybe you don't have to scream it. Just speak it casually."
"I can't do that," said Jadeite. "It's too late in the game to change things now."
"Quiet, back there," said Kunzite. "I'm trying to hear my tunes."
Kunzite was blasting Hentai Prince and the Stone Cat OP as they drove down the street.
"That was the best Fight Con yet," said Jadeite. "I can't believe there's a Con, where people just beat each other up and nothing else."
"We won the Con again," said Kunzite. "But Kenji's not looking too good."
Kenji was covered in bruises, and his eyes were spirals like a knocked out Pokemon. One of his glasses lenses were missing, and the frame was bent out of shape.
"Honestly," said Zoisite. "Kenji lasted a lot longer than I thought. I think he's getting strong. He was fighting flawlessly for the first two hours. But around the four hour mark he started to get fatigued. He fought many many 1v1s and a couple 1v2s, and even one 1v3, but he quickly retreated when he knew he was outmatched."
"I'm impressed," admitted Nephrite. "Kenji, by the time the fight was over, I'd say you took out around 20 full grown men. That sound about right, big guy?"
"Ho ho ho," mumbled Kenji weakly. "I wish Shingle was there."
He fainted, and his body slumped against Jadeite.
"There were many interesting characters from all parts of the world," said Kunzite, thinking back about the whole experience. "I learned several moves I've never seen before. Who would have guessed there's a fire variation of the cyclone punch?"
"I know, right?" said Nephrite, starting to get giddy. "Did you see that Arabic man throw that double full nelson? What a wonderful world we live in."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "Did you see that crazy man who did a flyby chain of 17? Of course he was instantly out of the battle after his chain ended due to using all his energy in one attack, but it was still quite an amazing spectacle. He beat last year's chain by 3 flybys."
"The best part of Fight Con is running into the amateurs and schooling them well," said Zoisite. "Could you believe three people tried to throw their full bodies at me from outside of the recommended two foot range? They suffered too much recoil and I quickly disposed of them."
"Yes," said Jadeite. "They should really have some requirements to get in. Some idiot threw a dropkick, and I dodged."
Everyone laughed, knowing that if a dropkick missed you lost the fight, as there's not enough time in the world to recover from that blunder.
"I was generous and let him recover because I was quite enjoying the fight we had up until then," considered Jadeite.
"I think I was the best fighter there," said Zoisite randomly.
"No?" said Nephrite. "At one point I looked over, and saw you getting rapid punched in the stomach. All while yelling, 'Uh! Uh! Uh!'"
"Th-that never happened!" yelled Zoisite.
"It did," said Nephrite. "You looked directly at me, and yelled, 'Help!'"
"Lies!" said Zoisite. "Right Kunzite?!"
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "You've always been known to get locked in rapid punch chains. You had that same problem two years ago, and that time I saw it happen. But maybe you have grown since then."
"Yes," said Zoisite. "After that experience, I would never let myself get locked in a rapid punch combo, especially not in the stomach!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite suddenly. "OVER THERE!"
Kunzite slammed on the breaks, sending Kenji flying.
"WOAAAAAH!" yelled Nephrite.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" said Zoisite, as the airbag ran up and socked him.
"WHYWHYWHY," said Kunzite. "Jadeite, why did you scream? Was there a car driving the wrong way?"
"No," said Jadeite. "It's Dunkin."
"I don't know anyone named Duncan," said Kunzite.
"No," said Jadeite. "Dunkin. As in a slang, for dunking something in something."
"Dunkin', like in a basketball net?" asked Nephrite.
"Yes," said Jadeite. "But this time with Donuts."
"Dunkin Donuts?" said Kunzite. "Why didn't you just say so? Why make us play the guessing game?"
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Can we get donuts?"
"Yes," said Kunzite. "Of course."
Kunzite drove across an eight lane highway and pulled into the Dunkin Donuts drive through.
"Hello," he said. "I'll have one-"
"BOSTON CRÈME!" screamed Jadeite. "CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!"
"POWDERED!" yelled Nephrite. "GET ME A POWDERED!"
"Toast!" yelled Kenji. "Get me toast! If not, I'll settle for coffee. The blackest they have."
"Slow down, everyone," said Kunzite. "One at a time."
"I'll get a Boston crème," said Jadeite, a little more calm.
"And what will you have, Zoisite?" asked Kunzite.
"A jellyboy," said Zoisite. "And maybe a strawberry sprinkled boy."
"I'll take one of those too," said Jadeite.
"I'll have a-"
"Yes, I know," said Kunzite. "A powdered."
"Yes," said Nephrite. "And also a glazed."
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "It looks like we're shooting for the dozen this time. I won't pass up that discount, so pick some more donuts."
"Ooooh," said Jadeite. "Actually, I'll get two Boston cremes. And a vanilla filled."
"How many is that?" asked Kunzite.
"I'll take a chocolate muffin," said Nephrite.
"Slow down," said Kunzite. "I have to keep track of this dozen."
He thought for a long time. "Now what do I want?"
"Hmmm," he said. "I guess I'll have a chocolate boy, along with one jelly boy. And," he said, turning his head to the back. "If I get a strawberry frosted, will one of you take half?"
"Yes," said Jadeite. "As long as you tear it, not bite it."
"Alright," said Kunzite.
He finally turned to the microphone.
"That will be four strawberry frosted," he began.
"Not four," said Nephrite. "I don't want one."
"Let's go over this again," said Kunzite.
"Sorry," said the guy over the microphone. "We're out of strawberry frosted."
"Oh no," groaned Kunzite. "That ruins the whole dozen."
"Alright," said Zoisite. "In that case, I'll take a vanilla crème."
"One vanilla crème," said Kunzite.
"No!" screamed Jadeite. "Did you listen to me at all? I want one too!"
"Sorry, make that two," said Kunzite.
"We're out of vanilla crème," said the man.
Kunzite narrowed his eyes. "Do you have jelly?" he said.
"No," they said. "We are out of jelly."
"Ask him about my glazed," said Nephrite.
"Glazed?" asked Kunzite.
"No?" said the guy.
"Wow," said Kunzite. "You guys are really floundering in there. What's going on here?"
"Sorry," said the guy. "We stopped making donuts a while ago."
Kunzite checked his watch. It was 7 pm.
"Oh," he said. "I just thought, since you are called Dunkin Donuts and you're still open, that you could just like make one or something. Or you would at least have a few left. Tell me, do you have any donuts?"
"Hmm," said the guy, searching his inventory for a long time. "I have bran donuts," said the man.
"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Does anyone want one of those?"
"Wait," said Jadeite. "Do they have Boston crème?"
"Do you have Boston crème?" asked Kunzite.
"No," said the man. "Only bran."
"Chocolate glaze?" asked Nephrite.
"No," said the guy, responding to Nephrite in the back.
"Alright, fine," said Kunzite. "Then we'll take four bran."
"Sorry," said the man. "I only have one."
"Really now?" said Kunzite. "Why are you still open? Because you should shut down your doors at this point. If you have no left over donuts at all except one, then you might as well close shop and turn your lights off. Are you trying to tell me people really came and bought every last donut in exact numbers so that you have not one left?"
"Yes," said the guy.
"Oooh, my muffin!" said Nephrite. "Ask for a chocolate muffin!"
"Chocolate muffin," asked Kunzite. "Do you have them?"
"No," said the guy. "Only blueberry."
"Damn it all," said Nephrite.
"Alright," said Kunzite. "How about coffee? Don't tell me you ran out of coffee beans when you literally sell them by the bag."
"We only have hazelnut," said the man.
"I'm allergic!" screamed Kenji.
"So do you still want that bran donut?" they asked.
"No thank you," said Kunzite.
He drove off in a huff.
"Unbelievable," said Zoisite.
"It's only 7," said Kunzite. "It's not even dark out. Some people don't even get out of work until six. Why won't they make more donuts? It's all profit!"
"Not if no one gets them," said Jadeite.
"But we would have just bought them!" said Kunzite. "They should just make them while you're there! Like Krispy Kreme! It doesn't take that long to make donuts! What is this? Some kind of Australian rules?!"
"Wow," said Zoisite. "You're really mad about this."
"Well," said Kunzite. "It ruined our whole night. Here we are, after fighting for over six hours straight, and we can't even get our hands on a damn donut! Because seven is too late for these freaks!"
Zoisite put a hand on his shoulder. "It gets better," he said.
"No," said Kunzite. "The only chance we have is coming back tomorrow."
The rest of the ride back to the North Pole was silent, until Kunzite put back on the Hentai and the Stone Cat OST.
The Shitennou were locked in a heated ping pong game.
It was Jed and Neph vs. Zoi and Kun.
Kenji of course was the referee, but he was playing on his phone.
"Time to beat those pigs," he said, flinging a bird.
"Darn it," he said. "Looks like I'm using another eagle."
Kenji used an eagle, and went back to the map revealing that he had in fact beaten every single level only with an eagle, and never actually beat a single level of Angry Birds.
Meanwhile, Nephrite spiked the ping pong ball, and it went flying up in the air like some kind of crazy jamboree.
That's when Zoisite's star gauge built up, and he used his star move, but he was a couple feet too far away and it did the recovery move instead of his ultra move.
A tornado of petals came in and brought the ball to him.
"Thanks," said Zoisite to his star move.
That's when Jadeite used his own star move, and a plane came flying down from the sky, crashing into Zoisite and Kunzite's side of the table, completely destroying it.
The ball bounced to the ground.
"Hey!" said Kunzite. "Your star gauge wasn't full! You cheated!"
"Kenji," said Zoisite. "Did you see that?"
"Hmm," said Kenji. "All is fair game."
"He's not even watching," said Kunzite.
"Good job, Jadeite," said Nephrite. "Although I don't agree with your underhanded methods."
"Heh," said Jed.
"Hmm, let's see," said Kunzite. "Do I have time for one more?"
That's when he checked the clock. "Ooh!" he said. "It's 5 o' clock! Let's go to Dunkin Donuts and get some D-nuts!"
"Ooooooh!" said Jadeite. "I almost forgot! Maybe this time they'll have something!'
The Shitennou took off.
"Hello," said Kunzite at the drive through. "What donuts do you have right now?"
"Hmm," said the guy. "You're looking for donuts?"
"Yes," said Kunzite. "That's the name of your store!"
The man paused for a long time, which was a very bad sign. "Well you're in luck," he finally said. "We have a couple brans left. And one regular vanilla frosted, with no sprinkles."
"What is this!?" screamed Kunzite.
"Hey," said Jadeite. "I'll take the vanilla frosted. It's no strawberry frosted, but it's close."
"I wanted some," said Kenji.
"Hey!" said Zoisite. "How come Jed gets it!? Getting the vanilla frosted donut is my job!"
"This is ridiculous," said Kunzite. "We shouldn't have to fight over one donut. Why do you never have any donuts at your store?!" he demanded. "It's five o'clock PM, you'll be open for another four hours!"
"Sorry," said the worker. "I don't make the donuts. When I come into my shift, they're already made, and I'm not authorized to make any more. We make 'em early and sell what we have. As they say in Brooklyn, the early bird gets the worm. Or is it the donut?"
"I think it's the bagel," said the worker.
He left the microphone.
"Hey!" yelled Kunzite. "I still want that frosted!"
After five minutes, it was retrieved.
Kunzite laid it on the dashboard, and split it into five relatively equal pieces.
"Mine looks a little smaller than Zoisite's," said Nephrite. "Bias?"
"No," said Kunzite. "Never. I tried to make them equal."
"Then why is Kenji's bigger than all of ours?" said Jadeite.
"Hey!" said Kunzite. "He took two pieces!"
"Ho ho ho," said Kenji, stuffing his mouth.
Kunzite was fuming. He clenched his fist, and then threw a concentrated punch on the horn.
"You can have some of mine," offered Zoisite.
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "Cause your piece is bigger."
"This will not do," said Kunzite. "We all deserve a full donut. But not a bran one because no one likes that."
"I like that!" said Kenji. "They have bran donuts? Can we go drive around?"
"No," said Kunzite. "They only make bran donuts to offer so they can keep their store open another few hours. But I don't know what they sell when they have nothing in stock. They must not make any business, and they're just doing it as some sick joke. But no one plays a joke on me!"
It was 6AM, and the alarm went off.
"Ah," said Jadeite. "Time to report to Beryl."
"No time!" said Kunzite, sprinting into his dark space in his pajamas. "We gotta go to Dunkin!"
The Shitennou hopped in the car, and Kenji was already sitting there yawning.
He was wearing the same pajamas he wore in the first Chibiusa episode.
"Hmm," he said. "My paper should be arriving now."
Kunzite sped the car into a portal, and they arrived in the middle of Nephrite's house.
"Where is he?!" screamed Zoisite. "We're late! Once again, Nephrite ruins everything!"
"Not if I can help it!" said Kunzite.
He drove up Nephrite's staircase into his bedroom.
He turned on his brights, and then started honking.
"What is this!?" screamed Nephrite. "Is this a home invasion!?"
Kunzite stuck his head out the window. "GET IN!" he yelled.
"Where the heck are we going!? Is there another Fight Con?" demanded Nephrite. "Because otherwise, I'm not coming!"
"We're going to Dunkin!" shouted Kunzite over his own honks. "Get in! We wanna see a donut!"
"Why do I need to come?" said Nephrite, still tired. "Surely the three or four of you, I can't see if Kenji's there, are enough. In fact, you alone's enough. You could have went and told us how it went, or in fact picked us up some donuts if it went well."
Kunzite ignored him. "GET IN!" he yelled.
"Fine," said Nephrite.
He hopped in.
"What time is it?" he said.
"6 AM!" yelled Kunzite, speeding off through Nephrite's wall.
As they sped down the empty highway at top speeds, Jadeite looked out the window.
"Mmm," he said. "Beautiful sunrise. Can we stop at McDonald's for some hashboys?"
"Not today," said Kunzite. "That's another day."
"I think Dunkin has hashboys," said Zoisite. "But they have some weird seasoning on it. And they're little discs. Would not recommend. They should stick to their donuts, which I've never actually tasted as we're always too late."
"Not today," said Kunzite, speeding like a maniac and running down a pedestrian.
They did not recognize the victim, but it was none other than Chibiusa, just like old times.
"What time does Dunkin open, anyway?" said Nephrite, yawning.
"Six," said Kunzite. "But the workers arrive at five to make the donuts."
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "They might run out by the time we get there."
"There's no way," said Kunzite. "They haven't even finished making them all yet."
He stepped down on the gas even harder, exceeding the speed of light.
Suddenly they were in the Dunkin Donuts drive-through, and they slowly road up to the speaker.
"Hello!" howled Kunzite. "What donuts do you have?!"
"Hmm," said the guy. "We don't have donuts. But we do have bran muffins."
"Wait," said Kunzite. "Did we get here too early?"
"Hardly," chuckled the man. "Too late, in fact. We just sold our last donut."
"What?!" said Kunzite. "You just opened one minute ago! What is this?! Make some more!"
"Sorry," said the guy. "We just made our last batch."
"How many batches do you make?!" yelled Zoisite, leaning over to the speaker.
"Look," said the guy. "Don't get mad at me. Next time, just come earlier."
"Earlier?!" screamed Kunzite. "You just opened! How, HOW, are you already out!?"
"hmm," said the guy. "I couldn't tell you. One second we have the donuts, and one second we don't."
"RRRRRRR!" yelled Kunzite, driving away.
It was 4AM.
Suddenly Jadeite started receiving punches from all angles.
He was instantly lifted off his feet.
He started flailing. "What is this?! Rogue Youmas?!"
He turned his head down to see he was being carried by none other than Kunzite and Kenji.
Zoisite was already waiting in the driver's seat, so they could drive the instant Jadeite hit the vehicle.
They took off, and appeared in Nephrite's house, ramming his bed with the car.
"WOAH!" yelled Nephrite, flying into the air. "Earthquake?"
They opened up the convertible roof, and Nephrite dropped in.
They closed it.
"What is this?" demanded Nephrite, as they sped down the highway. "Do I need to get a new security system? How about Lifelock?"
"That would be a wise idea," said Kunzite. "But you won't need it after today, as this is the last time we'll ever see you. Because finally we can go on to Valhalla once our final wish of Dunkin Donuts donuts is granted."
"Wait!" said Jadeite. "I'm not ready to die!"
"I can't go to Valhalla yet," said Kenji. "Not until I kill Shingle. I guess I can go to the afterlife if I take him with me."
"Shut up," said Kunzite. "We're almost here."
They pulled into the drive-through.
"Hello!" said Kunzite.
No one answered, but this was common at Dunkin.
"Hello!" he repeated.
They sat there for ten minutes, and then they drove around.
All their lights were out, and the doors were locked.
They parked in a parking spot.
"Good, we're here before they open," said Kunzite. "Now we wait."
"What the heck is going on?" said Nephrite.
"We're waiting for the first employee to walk in, and we will go in with them," explained Kunzite. "That way, they can't sell their few donuts to someone else first."
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "But can't you show up ten minutes before the workers get there, instead of one full hour?"
"No," said Kunzite. "They're clearly up to something. I won't be made a fool of again. My pride depends on this."
They waited in the parking lot, and after one full hour, the young kid showed up at 5 am sharp.
"THERE HE IS!" screamed Kenji. "GET HIM!"
They leapt out of the car through the windows, and got to the door before him.
"We're not open yet," said the guy. "We gotta make the donuts."
"We're coming in," said Kunzite plainly.
The guy shrugged. "Whatever you say, man."
He opened the door, and the Shitennou pranced in. They locked the door behind them.
The man began the easy process of creating donuts, and the Shitennou sat at a table patiently and watched him make them in front of their eyes.
"DONUTS! DONUTS!" they chanted.
"Hey, calm down now," said the guy. "Or I'll make you wait outside."
The Shitennou zipped their lips.
"Donuts," whispered Kenji.
"Hey," said the guy.
Kenji zipped it.
After 30 minutes, the donuts were made.
Kunzite flew up to the register, and the Shitennou followed suit.
"I'll take all your donuts," said Kunzite.
"All of them?" asked the man.
"Yes," said Kunzite. "We need them to last forever."
The man shrugged. "Whatever you say, man."
They watched intently, as the man placed donut after donut in a large bag.
There were various kinds, and they had all the legendary flavors they never had, like Boston crème and jelly filled.
"Alright, here you go," said the guy. "Enjoy."
"Thank you!" said Kunzite, in a good mood.
He grabbed the bag and reached inside.
But the bag was empty.
He did a double take, and put his head in it.
"What the heck?!" he said. "I just saw you put them in there! I just saw it!"
"Is this some kind of magic trick!?" demanded Jadeite. "Where are the donuts!?"
"I don't know," said the guy. "I put them in the bag. You saw me."
"THEN WHERE ARE THE DONUTS!?" yelled Nephrite. "This is an empty bag!" he shouted, crumpling it up.
Kunzite grabbed the kid by the throat.
"Where are the donuts?" he said furiously.
"I don't know!" cried the kid. "Let me live!"
"Then make us more donuts!" yelled Kunzite.
"O-Ok!" cried the boy. "Okay! Whatever you want!"
The Shitennou crossed their arms and waited, standing right there as he whipped up another batch.
"This man's tricking us," said Zoisite. "He's obviously some kind of magician. We should check his sleeves for the donuts."
They made the man strip down to his undergarments, but he was hoarding no donuts.
He finished another batch in his underpants.
"Here you go," he said, extending his hand shakily with a donut.
Kunzite reached for it.
But before his hand could grab it, the donut evaporated right into thin air.
"Did you see that?!" cried Kunzite. "What the hell!?"
He looked at the stock the man recently refilled, and it had all vanished as well.
"NOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite. "I just wanted a doughnut! A Donut! We came here so early! The store still hasn't opened! And you don't have any donuts!"
The man was on the floor sobbing at this point. "How can this be happening?!" he said. "You saw me make them! I used normal ingredients! This must be a dream!"
"No dream," said Kunzite. "This has happened to us the past three days. Your store is named Dunkin Donuts, but there are no donuts! This is a place where no happiness can be found!"
"I wanna go home," sobbed the boy. "I'm quitting this job forever."
"What do we do?" asked Zoisite.
Kunzite looked befuddled. He just held his head for a long time, and shook his head very slowly, like he was lost.
"I guess let's go home," said Kunzite finally. "There's nothing we can do. There are forces in this world far beyond our control. This is one of them."
"Ridiculous," said Nephrite. "After all this, I thought we'd at least get a happy ending."
Kenji was crying, and he laid down like a log.
"Wake me up never," he said.
The Shitennou forlornly left, and got back in their car.
"Wanna go to Krispy Kreme?" said Kunzite quietly.
"Ye," muttered Zoisite.
Kunzite drove off without saying a word.
FIN
