"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Mmmm," said Beryl.
"You see," said Jadeite. "Humans have a thing called emotions, and they spend a lot of energy on them. If we found a way to harness…"
"Yes, go on," said Beryl.
Jadeite frowned. "What's the point?" he said.
He hung his head and left.
"What do you mean, what's the point?!" demanded Beryl. "Hey! Are you listening?! Get back here! Hey! HEY!"
Nephrite walked in.
"When are you gonna get rid of that guy?" he scoffed.
"Now," said Beryl.
But then she checked her phone. "Wait, never mind," she said.
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "What came up?"
"Nothing came up," said Beryl. "It's just something I had prearranged. Now goodbye."
"Hey, wait," said Nephrite. "You can tell me what's up. Come on, what is it?"
"If you insist," said Beryl. "I have a virtual date with a guy I met on Plenty O' Fish."
"Mmmm," said Nephrite. "I hope it's not a cat this time."
"Can it," said Beryl. "That was one time. And I don't consider that chapter canon, as Kunzite was dead for no explained reason."
"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Well I still remember it, clear as day."
"Shut up," said Beryl.
Beryl left.
Grandpa sat at home, watching the TV show Catfish, while a professional worked on his computer to remove the child protection filter that Rei installed.
"I need to get that thing out of my computer," he said.
"Yes, yes," said the man. "I'm working on it."
"There's nothing good on," stated Grandpa. "What is this show Catfish about?"
On the screen, it was none other than Gamer Joe and Boxy the Priest, who appeared to be the hosts, as real life characters aren't allowed in fanfictions.
They were knocking on a man's door, and they were flanked by six women.
The women consisted of Setsuna Meiyoh, Rei Hino, Ami Mizuno, Makoto Kino, Minako Aino, and Naru Osaka.
"Hmm," said Grandpa. "Those are some beautiful women. Wait, is that my granddaughter?"
They rang the doorbell.
"I hope it's a stud like his picture," said Minako, holding up a phone with a picture of a buff man.
"There's no way," said Gamer Joe. "You all have been catfished. I know it."
"Catfished," repeated Grandpa. "Hmm."
That's when the door opened, and it cut to commercial as intense music played.
"No!" said Grandpa. "I wanna see what happens!"
He waited through the commercials.
"I'm finished with the computer," said the man. "Can I have my pay?"
"No," said Grandpa. "I'm busy. Come back tomorrow."
"Ridiculous," said the man.
Finally the show came back on.
The camera was far back for some reason, and Boxy stepped inside.
"Hello," he said. "Are you studmuffin6969?"
After ten minutes, Boxy stepped out with a sad expression.
"Oh no," he said.
The girls were in a hot sweat, and that's when none other than a small nerd, who looked nothing like the picture, stepped outside.
"MEEEELVIIN!" said Molly in horror.
"NO!" said all the girls. "WHY?!"
"Yeah," said Gamer Joe, getting on the offensive. "Why? Why did you trick all these poor women for three years, and pretend you were someone you were not?"
Melvin adjusted his bifocals. "Heh," said Melvin. "If I put my real picture, they wouldn't give me the time of day. But now I have full albums of nudes from all of them. Heh."
"YOU FREAK!" said Gamer Joe.
"Wrong," said Melvin. "Girls are just like computer AI's. They all have certain trigger events and certain phrases that push them in certain directions. All you need to know is what those phrases are, and I've had my fair share of dating simulators."
Gamer Joe was really heated, and he was grunting really loudly. "Do you think love is a game?"
"Yes," scoffed Melvin. "And I'm winning. These 3D girls are no different from my 2D girls on my games. They are all putty in my hands, when I can get so many nudes. I've seen more naked women than you have in your life, young boy."
"Me?!" said Gamer Joe. "You're calling ME a young boy?! What you did was so immature, you must be a baby!"
"Heh," said Melvin. "A baby saw more nudes than you? Sad. For the right price though, I will let you take a peak in my collection. Like a 15 minute pass for an amusement park, all access. My folders are so full of images I had to get a second hard drive just to store them. One day I'll hire someone to organize them, as there's too many nudes to keep track of."
That's when Gamer Joe lost control, and threw a punch, killing Melvin.
Melvin stood back up, and threw a leaping kick.
Gamer Joe grabbed his leg, and swung him all around the map for three minutes.
He threw him to the ground and leapt on top of him, and then threw punch after punch.
"Stop this violence!" said Boxy. "This is not how to make someone repent! Violence never solves anything!"
Eventually the television crew had to come in and break them up, but Joe wouldn't stop swinging.
It was clear that Melvin landed a couple good blows on his chops, which only angered him more.
He smashed three cameras, losing precious footage, and then the show cut off with a loud scream.
"Wow," said Grandpa, turning off his TV in awe. "If a nerdy little pipsqueak like that can have six girls in the palm of his hand, then someone who's as wise as me could 'catfish' a whole country!"
With that, Grandpa went on his computer, and started a Plenty O' Fish account, and then another.
He Googled 'hot man' on Google Images, and then did a little Photoshopping and cropping so it couldn't get reverse image searched.
Next he made an account as a woman, because as stated in his first appearance, he goes after men and women.
"Now I wait," said Grandpa. "For the invites to come flooding in. And soon enough, I'll have a full library of nudes. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
4 months later, Grandpa showed up at the Catfish Club, where all the best catfishers met up to brag about their catches.
Grandpa arrived as a new member.
"Greetings!" said the other members.
"Hello, evil beings," said Grandpa.
They nodded.
Kenji stepped up to the podium, being the leader of the club.
"Hello, all," he said. "If you are here, it means you have no human sympathy."
"Hoo ha!" cheered the crowd.
"Yes," said Kenji. "We meet here because we all have a similar interest, which is manipulating people too foolish to demand you do a Skype call, and getting free nudes. And for those especially evil, selling those nudes."
"Hoo ha," said a couple members.
"I made $1,000!" yelled a guy.
"Settle down," said Kenji. "We'll get to that. But first, let's start by introducing the new member. This is Grandpa."
"Hey ho!" said Grandpa.
"Hmm," thought Grandpa to himself. "This crowd sure is an ugly bunch. No wonder they catfish."
"Hey," said Shingle. "What are you lookin' at there, punk? Don't make me catfish you."
"Nothing," said Grandpa.
"Grandpa," said Kenji. "As a new member, you are required to share all your profile names, so that we do not accidentally catfish each other. It has happened many times in the past, so now we have a sign-in book where we all know each other's accounts."
"Okay," said Grandpa. He used 15 pages to write down all his names, and Kenji took out his phone.
"Shit," he said, removing 10 people on his friend's list.
"NOOOO!" said Shingle. "Not that one! How did you send me nudes?!"
"They were someone else's," explained Grandpa.
"Ah, good work," said Melvin. "Playing the cards like a professional poker player. It's very important to use assets we already have. That's how I scored this lesbian girl."
"Mmm," said Grandpa. "You've given me an idea."
"We degenerates," said Kenji. "Should never be discouraged by other people saying that what we do is wrong. As anyone stupid enough to get catfished deserves it."
"Hoo ha!" echoed the crowd.
"Now it is share and tell time. Let's have a 30 minute break where we can mingle amongst each other, and share our exploits," concluded Kenji, slamming a gavel. "As some of us have not had the honor of being featured on the TV show Catfish yet, and thus we haven't been able to share our stories."
Grandpa was happy to go mingle with the crowd.
"So," he said to a group of people. "I'm a beginner, and I'm starting to run into some problems. For example, what do you do when they demand to talk on the phone?"
"Aww, that's easy," said Melvin. "I just refuse to Skype, and keep making excuses. That whittles out the dumb ones. Can you believe one of my fish had a relationship with me for eight years, and we didn't talk on the phone once? We did Skype one time, but I kept the lights very dark, and didn't say a word. She was a foolish one to not be suspicious, and then I faked a Wi-Fi outage."
"Hmm," sighed Grandpa. "Why are the prettiest ones always the stupidest?"
"Yes," said Melvin. "You should see the bodies on some of my fish."
"Disgusting," said Kenji. "Both of you. You make me proud."
"Hey," said a girl to Grandpa. "I'll do calls with some of your fish who think you're a girl, if you do a couple calls with some of mine who think I'm a guy!"
"Can do!" said Grandpa. "Give me some phone numbers."
He wrote them in his notebook where he was keeping notes on how to catfish.
"I'll get nudes from all of them," he promised.
"Thank you," said the girl. "Be sure to tell them that that's the last time you'll ever be able to talk to them on the phone, as the charger slot is broken and it's on 1% batteries."
"Good strategy," considered Grandpa, jotting this down as well.
One full page in his notes just said, "Never Skype," and it had a list of 300 excuses ranging all the way from being tired to my whole family died in a plane crash.
The club meeting soon dispersed, and Grandpa was very satisfied with what he learned that day.
"I'm no master yet," said Grandpa. "But I'm sure to follow in these experts' footsteps in no time."
It was 12 years since Grandpa visited the club, and he was now better than the majority of people there.
He operated accounts seamlessly, and had one for every single type of person someone could ask for. He had eight monitors, and 22 phones.
Rei peaked her head in his study.
"Grandpa," she said. "Wanna go outside? You don't have much longer to live, and you've been in your room for weeks."
"Go away," said Grandpa.
"By the way," said Rei. "Do I have permission to go on a date tomorrow?"
"With who?" said Grandpa, who still had some humanity left.
"Just some guy I met online!" said Rei, blushing. "His name wouldn't mean anything to you."
"Hmm," said Grandpa. "Is that how people meet each other nowadays? On computers? What a world we live in."
While he said this, he was on one of his monitors sending a nude of a guy that he had obtained to a girl, posing it as him.
Rei headed for the door.
"Rei-chan," said Grandpa. "Be sure to bring in my packages. Ebay said my five hard drives arrived today."
"Right," said Rei. "I have no idea why you need so many hard drives, but I know you still have that internet filter on, so it's all good."
She left.
"Hmm," said Grandpa. "I hope my girl isn't getting catfished."
But then he gulped. "I hope she isn't getting catfished by me. I've ran into several Reis, but I don't know if any of them are Hinos. Hmm, I should have checked. Oh well."
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "Can I have off tomorrow?!"
"Ye," said Beryl.
"What?!" said Jadeite. "No way! Really?!"
"Yes," said Beryl.
"Wow," said Jadeite. "Really, really?!"
"Yes!" said Beryl, getting annoyed.
"Wow," said Jadeite again. "I didn't expect you'd be so lenient."
"I wouldn't normally be," said Beryl. "But it's your lucky day. I won't be here tomorrow, because I have a date with a handsome man!"
"Same!" said Jadeite.
Beryl raised an eyebrow.
"Oop!" said Jadeite. "I mean, not with a man, but with a puurrty woman! I meant that I have a date tomorrow too!"
"Good job," said Beryl. "I hope you have chemistry."
"You too," said Jadeite. "Plenty O' Fish is a great site."
"You're on Plenty O' Fish?" asked Beryl. "Did you use your real name?"
"No," said Jadeite. "They wanted a first and a last, so I put Jay Dite."
"Ah, good," said Beryl.
She double-checked her contacts.
"Alright, good," she said. "We're in the clear."
Jadeite bowed and left, taking his phone and texting his girl.
Grandpa's phone started to ring.
"Shoot," he said. "I hope this is someone who thinks I'm a man."
"Hello," he answered.
"Hello," said the guy, in a not-so-happy tone.
"Oh," said Grandpa. "You're one of the gay ones."
"What?!" said Gamer Joe. "No!"
"Oops, sorry," said Grandpa. "Then you must think I'm a girl. I mean, you must be looking for my sister. She's not home."
That's when Grandpa checked the caller ID, just for the slim chance it was who he thought it was.
The caller ID said "MTV."
"Hmm," said Grandpa. "Could this be?"
He quickly sent a message to his fellow catfishers on the catfish Discord.
"Guys!" he said. "I think my time has come! MTV just called!"
"Hooray!" they all messaged him. "You're gonna get big bucks! They've already done research to get your number, so play hard to get and make them pay you a lot! Say you won't go on their show unless they pay you the big bucks. And they will, because with how many catfish you have, your episode will get great ratings. They can't have an episode where the catfish is just a blurred face man."
Shingle messaged him on private message, "Congratulations."
"Are you there?" said the guy on the phone.
"Yes," said Grandpa.
"We're calling from the MTV show Catfish," said Joe.
"Ah," said Grandpa. "I was expecting this call to come soon enough. You're twelve years too late though."
Gamer Joe was already starting to get fumed. "Can we come over and-"
Grandpa hung up.
"And now we wait," he said.
Queen Beryl was putting on her special dress, not the one she regularly wore.
"I wish it turned out this guy was really Chiba," she said.
But that's when she got a text.
"Date's cancelled," it read. "Catfish is coming over."
Beryl narrowed her eyes.
"Why?" she replied.
"Not important," her online boyfriend texted back.
"No!" said Beryl out loud. "What is this?!"
She took off her special dress.
"Maybe another day," she said.
She called Jadeite on the phone.
"Riko-chan!" he answered giddily.
"No," said Beryl. "This is Queen Beryl. I know I told you you could have off today, but things changed suddenly. Come to work now."
"That won't do," said Jadeite. "I have a date with destiny tonight, and I will not lose this chance at true love."
"Why I oughtta-!" said Beryl.
"Wait, never mind," said Jadeite. "I just got a text saying she can't make it. She's going on the show Catfish for some reason. Who knows, maybe a neighbor's been catfishing someone and she'll appear as a character witness. But I'm not going to assume the worst yet. I'll be there in ten after I take off my fancy shirt."
Gamer Joe and Boxy drove to the location Grandpa gave them eventually after many monetary negotiations.
It all started early in the day, when Haruna texted him with the Catfish crew.
"After eight years, it's time to meet," she said.
"OK," said Grandpa.
"Wow," said Haruna. "After not even talking on Skype, you're willing to meet?"
"Yes," said Grandpa. "I have nothing to hide. I am the stud in the picture. Also, make sure they have the money bags, as I requested they specifically brought the money in money bags."
They cut the last few texts Grandpa sent out of the show.
As Gamer Joe sped down the highway, the three potential victims he had in the backseat were getting antsy.
"I hope he's really that attractive," said Ms. Haruna. "I can't wait to marry him!"
"I don't know about this," said Boxy. "It's already suspicious that all three of you think you're dating him. So even if he is the guy, he's still a triple-timing liar."
"I can't wait to meet this jerk!" said Gamer Joe, clenching the wheel with all his strength. "I hope I can restrain myself this time, but it will be the first episode I have."
They showed up at the coffee shop, and waited for 12 hours.
They rang Grandpa 20 times, but he didn't answer.
After taking a nap, he woke up and answered his phone.
"Something came up," he said. But then he changed his story. "Actually, I was just too shy to go. But I finally gathered the strength. Meet me in the park in two days."
Gamer Joe was furious, and drove his fist through the coffee shop window.
"It's not over yet," he assured the girls. "There will be justice, and no one will ever be catfished by him again because he will repent! Or at least he better, for how much money we're paying him to let us show his face on TV!"
"Mmhmm," said Boxy. "Maybe we should just have a full episode where the guy's face is just blurred out the whole time."
"That will never do!" said Joe. "Then, the viewers won't know if he's actually the guy in the picture."
"We'll narrate if he is or isn't," said Boxy. "And we'll have the girls have some reactions and say if he's ugly or not."
"Wait, are we allowed to even use his voice if he doesn't sign a TV contract?" asked Joe.
Boxy bit his finger.
They showed up at the park, and the camera zoomed in from very far away.
"Is that him over there!?" said Joe, pulling out his boxing gloves.
But it wasn't.
It was just one of the cameramen trying to get a weird angle.
They waited, but it appeared he was a no-show again.
Gamer Joe, with nothing to punch, started tearing out grass.
"RRRaAAEUUUEU!" he yelled.
"Wait!" said Boxy. "There seems to be a note laying on that table that was left beforehand!"
Gamer Joe examined it. To his fury, it was some kind of riddle, that if decoded would likely tell where his real meeting would be.
It began, "What you seek the most. What you seek the least. Find me above and below."
The final row was just various symbols that meant nothing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Joe, tearing up the letter.
"Wait!" said Boxy. "We need to decode the symbols!"
"Don't worry," said the cameraman. "I got it recoded."
They showed up on the bridge after 12 hours of decoding the note.
Gamer Joe and Boxy pretended that they were the ones to decode it, but it was actually a full team of experts, just like how they're the ones who track people down before the show begins.
There was another note sitting there, and Joe jumped off the bridge.
Boxy picked it up.
It read: "What's green, and rectangular, and has a face on it? I want one thousand more of those."
"What's the note say?" asked Haruna.
"I can't be sure," said Boxy, tearing it up. "But I think it's time to just track him down ourselves, and show up at his house."
"Alright," said Haruna. "Even though all the signs point to him not being the guy in the picture, I sure hope he is."
"Say," said Boxy. "Why didn't you just cut it off when he wouldn't Skype the first time?"
"Shut up," said Haruna. "He has a hard time getting Wi-Fi on the Moon. He tells me our texts take 30 days to arrive."
"Idiot," said Boxy.
Grandpa was sitting in his house, catfishing some fools.
Chad walked in. "Grandpa," he said. "There's some guys and a camera crew, roaming the streets and asking about you."
"Did you tell them anything?" said Grandpa, standing up.
"No," said Chad.
"Good," said Grandpa. "However, if they know to be looking for me, it's not long before they find me. Although I took myself off of Yellow Pages before I started catfishing, some primitive sites haven't updated their records for several years, and I might still be traceable. Also, there's many newspaper articles about me, which are probably preserved in some kind of collection."
"Is it time to move?" said Chad.
"Hmmm," said Grandpa. "I would, but I still want my 3 million grand for appearing. I could always get new catfish on my hook, as it's easy with all the pictures I have compiled over the years that are nowhere else on the web. In fact," he said. "I could just crop one of my many nudes to only the face, and it wouldn't show up on a reverse image search. Hmm," he continued. "Since I'm finally revealing myself anyway, I might as well go down in history. Yes, I'll make it a spectacle."
He turned to Chad. "Chad," he said, tossing him a phone. "Start copying and pasting everyone the temple address."
"Everyone?" said Chad.
"Yes," said Grandpa. "There's about 400 people on that phone, and I have 21 more."
"Wow," said Chad. "Being a temple worker is hard these days."
"Boys," said Beryl to all the Shitennou. "It's time to play Russian roulette, but with eternal sleeps."
She loaded one eternal sleep into her crystal ball, and then spun it around.
"Who's first?" she asked.
But that's when she received a text, and one second later, Jadeite did as well.
They both took off without a word.
Kunzite received a text.
"Hmm," he said. "Zoisite, I have plans."
"What kind of plans?" said Zoisite, narrowing his eyes.
Kunzite fled.
Nephrite got a text as well.
"Huh," he said. "I gotta go."
"I'm coming with you!" said Zoisite. "I don't know what's going on, but it's sure as heck gonna be a spectacle!"
The MTV crew and their van pulled up to the temple, and they feasted their eyes on a crowd of no less than 10,000 people, all gathered around Hikawa Shrine.
"Wait a minute," said the Negaverse, showing up. "This place seems very very familiar."
"Wait," said Kunzite. "Why are you all here?"
"Hey," said Jadeite. "Beryl, did you follow me?"
"No," said Beryl. "My date told me to go here."
"Mine too," said Jadeite.
"Wait a minute," said Beryl. "Uh oh."
"Hey," said Nephrite. "Is that the MTV crew?"
"Ah," said Zoisite. "It's Gamer Joe, from the hit TV series Catfish!"
"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Uh oh," she repeated.
"What the hell is this?!" yelled Joe, plowing through the crowd.
"Hmmm," said Boxy, putting his hand on his chin. "Maybe we have some other people who took their situation into their own hands."
"How many people has this person catfished?!" cried Haruna.
"Darn it!" said Makoto when the Catfish crew showed up. "Not again. Wait, is this Rei's temple?"
"Wait!" said Rei, in the crowd. "Is this my temple?!"
She looked at the address. Although it didn't say Hikawa Shrine, it appeared to be her street and number.
"I sure hope he sent the wrong address," she said. "I swear, if this is Grandpa, or maybe Chad pulling a prank on me…"
Gamer Joe and Boxy climbed the temple steps through the crowd.
They knocked on the door.
Grandpa was sitting on his recliner, drinking tea.
"Come in," he said.
Joe stepped inside.
Five minutes later, the crowd was getting anxious.
"He better be the guy in the picture!" several people chanted.
But some were also chanting, "He better be the girl in the picture!"
"Hey!" said a guy to a girl, who was standing next to him. "You're the person I've been dating for eight years!"
"What?!" she said. "No! I've never met you!"
"Uh, yeah you did," said the guy. "You sent me all those nudes."
He showed her the nudes.
"AAAAHHHHHH!" she shrieked. "I only sent those pictures to him! The guy who lives here!"
"Things don't look good for me, if that's the case," said the guy.
"Say," said the guy after a few minutes. "Do you mind if I keep those pictures?"
"Yes!" said the girl.
"Hmm," said the guy. He held up his phone and held his finger over the delete button, but then he turned off his phone.
"Oops, battery died. I'll delete them later," he promised.
There were several other similar encounters, as Grandpa recycled quite a few pictures.
After 20 minutes, the culprit emerged.
It was none other than a tan old man, with a bulbous bald held.
He held his arms up like some kind of band musician making an entrance in front of a crowd.
But instead of cheers, there were boos.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Ms. Haruna, getting on the ground and crying. "It's been eight years!" she said. "He sent me an engagement ring!"
"Hey!" yelled a guy. "I want my $10,000 back from you bailing your sister out of jail! If you're not that beautiful woman then you don't deserve my money!"
"You all are very petty," said Grandpa. "It's what's on the inside that matters."
"Hey!" yelled Motoki. "You're not that beautiful girl!"
"Hey!" yelled Reika. "You're not that handsome guy!"
That's when Motoki and Reika both did double takes.
"Hey," said Motoki. "What is this?"
"You tell me," said Reika.
"Well," began Motoki, scratching his head. "You live so far away, and you said although we were long distance, we could still work. And that gave me the idea that I could have another long distance relationship. Hey!" he said. "Wait! Shouldn't you be in Africa?! You were in town, and you didn't even tell me!?"
"Oops," said Reika.
"Onii-chan!" said Motoki's sister. "What is this?! You have Reika!"
"Hardly," said Motoki. "How about your boyfriend? What does he think about all this?"
"Oop!" said Motoki's sister, going red. "Well… I haven't exactly told him, but what're ya gonna do?"
Motoki's sister was jumping up and down. "Can someone move? I can't see from down here! Is he the guy in the picture?! From all your reactions, things don't look good!"
That's when she saw Grandpa, and he winked.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she said. "I sent this old man one million nudes!?"
"Sister!" said Motoki. "Mother was right! You shouldn't be allowed online!"
"OMG," said Motoki's sister.
"Hey!" yelled Melvin in the crowd. "You're not a beautiful 16 year old woman!"
"Hey!" said Grandpa. "You're not a handsome 16 year old guy!"
"Well, you got me there," said Melvin. "But I'd say that's subjective."
"You weren't the guy in the picture," said Grandpa.
"Who knows," said Melvin. "It could be me without my glasses on. People theorize that I'm very handsome."
"What is this?!" screamed Mr. Kitakata. "You are not a fairy!"
He held up his phone, showing a profile picture that was an obvious drawing of a fairy that Grandpa got off Google Images.
"Give me my nudes back, you freak!" screamed Kitakata.
"Grandpa!" yelled Jadeite, slapping his knee. "Whelp, you win some, you lose some, I guess."
Jadeite left.
"There goes 11 years," he shrugged.
Beryl took her own life.
"HAHA!" said Zoisite to Kunzite mockingly. "GGGGGGGGGGGGG!"
Kunzite put his hands over his face. "Darn it," he said. "How did it come to this? Humiliated and disgraced, all in one moment."
"The only fish I found on Plenty O' Fish was a catfish," scoffed Nephrite. "Hey, that's a good one," he said. "I'll go tell it to a camera guy, maybe they'll feature me on the show."
"Hey," said the computer guy, amongst the crowd, who wasn't there for the same reason. "You still owe me for getting out the child filter 12 years ago! Pay me back!"
Grandpa pretended to ignore him.
"GRANDPA!" yelled Rei, marching out of the crowd. "How could you do something so despicable?! That's filthy!"
"Hey," said Grandpa. "Have you seen the way you talked? When you're behind a screen, it's like you're a totally different person. You're almost a disgrace to be my daughter with that filthy mind of yours."
Rei threw a backhand.
"Oww," said Grandpa. "But you do know how to take a sexy nude."
"Arrest this man!" yelled Rei. "He has underage pictures on his hard drives."
"Oop!" yelled Grandpa. "Whelp, gotta go guys! Nice meeting you all at last! I hope you're not all disappointed! GG!" he added.
He went to run upstairs to mail his hard drives to his second address so the police couldn't find them, but when he tried to shut his front door, a foot got in the way.
"Stop right there!" said Joe. "You owe all these girls and guys an apology! It was in your very expensive contract!"
"No," said Grandpa. "You just said I had to agree to let you show my face. My hands are tied."
Joe was furious, but Grandpa was a mighty martial artist, and tossed him out of the room, locking the door.
"GRRRRR!" said Joe, stomping his foot and pounding on the door. "This man needs to learn his lesson! We need to punish him! He needs to learn that there are consequences to bad actions!"
Joe ran around the house and started checking all the windows to see if any were open.
"Hey!" said Boxy. "You can't be doing that, especially when we're recording."
"Don't care," said Joe. "I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson, for all these people!"
"MTV!" yelled Boxy. "Turn off the cameras!"
They pretended to turn them off, and kept rolling.
Two guys high-fived.
"We're gonna get so much money for airing this."
When no windows opened, Gamer Joe grabbed a brick and smashed one open.
He leapt through like a crazy man, and Boxy just shook his head.
"I don't know this guy," he said to the crowd. "But whoever he is, he needs to learn some self-control."
Gamer ran up the stairs and kicked down Grandpa's bedroom door.
That's when Grandpa pulled out his rifle, and shot his head clean off.
The MTV crew, who followed Joe through the window, caught the footage, and quickly dashed off as Grandpa fired a few warning shots at them since they weren't the offenders.
"WE GOT IT!" they cheered.
They leapt in the van and drove away, leaving Boxy who sprinted after them.
Grandpa was reading the morning newspaper, and there was a story about the man who got killed in a confrontation on Catfish.
"Hmmm," said Grandpa. "He did break the law by entering my house, and all those people were witnesses. I had the right to shoot him."
"Grandpa!" said Rei. "I can't believe you killed a man!"
"I can't even look at you the same way, with that potty mouth of yours," said Grandpa. "If your father was still with us, he'd cry at seeing some of those messages you sent me thinking I was a young stud."
"Don't change the subject!" said Rei. "One of these days, karma's going to catch up with you!"
"Yeah, right," said Grandpa. "I've already outrun death; I can easily outrun its lesser counterpart, Karma."
FIN
