TRIGGER WARNING: Details and talk of attempted suicide and self harm later in this chapter. To some it wouldn't be a big deal but it's mentioned, so I have to put a trigger warning out of courtesy to others.
All of the students crowded the interior entryway of Hogwarts. Their luggage trunks made the corridor more cluttered than it would have been if there were only the students. Agnes leaned by the stairs as she diverted focus to her nails. She was required to be here. The goodbyes and the warm hugs the students gave to one another made the situation that much more awkward for the amatuer professor. Agnes spotted Juno in the crowd of black robes. She was embraced in a hug herself. Juno patted the shoulder of a fellow female Slytherin and whispered her departing words.
With the students soon to depart, Agnes turned to make her leave back into the castle.
"Professor Blackwood!" Juno's voice called out above the chatter and commotion.
Agnes continued on. Talking to Juno would only make things more awkward for her.
"Professor, wait!"
"Oof!"
Agnes stumbled but righted herself before hitting the floor. Arms enveloped Agnes - their owner clutching Agnes from behind. Since the situation couldn't be avoided, Agnes turned to face her student.
Juno's smiling face met hers.
"I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, Professor."
Agnes's eyes darted in all different directions as she tried coming up with a proper reply. Words failing her, Agnes settled with a weak smile.
"I'm going to miss you, Professor Blackwood. You are a wonderful teacher and a good friend. I'll miss you and our after class talks."
Giving in, Agnes knelt down to Juno's level to accept the hug. "I hope you have a very merry Christmas, Juno." She stood and patted Juno on her shoulder. "Enjoy yourself. Go on, now. You don't want to miss the train."
"It won't leave without me. It's not like it's the beginning of the term."
Juno hugged Agnes tighter. Tears threatened to form in the young Slytherin's eyes. "I will miss you, Professor. Terribly so."
Juno stepped back to look up at Agnes. "I hope that you have a very merry Christmas, as well. Oh, and if anything happens between you and Professor Snape I want to know every juicy detail!"
"Go on!" Agnes scoffed. She hit Juno on the shoulder. "Stop with that nonsense."
Despite herself, Agnes laughed along with Juno. "Hurry on, then. Everyone is about to leave."
Reluctantly, Juno turned to walk out of the castle with her fellow students. When she reached the entryway threshold, Juno faced her professor to wave a goodbye to Agnes one last time. "Goodbye, Professor Blackwood!"
Agnes returned her wave and her smile. She watched the young Slytherin go on her way with her luggage trunks levitating behind her. Agnes stood there awhile longer. She continued to gaze where Juno once stood. She watched the throng of students grow smaller in the distance as the great doors of Hogwarts slowly closed.
Not wanting to be dragged down by any unnecessary depression, Agnes traveled to her classroom. To busy herself, Agnes began grading the midterm exams the students had taken just before Winter Holiday began.
Time had passed and Agnes was already more than halfway done. "Yes?" Agnes greeted, not looking up from her work as the door creaked open.
"Busying yourself as usual, Miss Blackwood?" Dumbledore stepped into the classroom. He clasped his hands together at his front. He smiled in Agnes's direction, though the witch didn't see it. She was still occupied with her grading.
"What better to do when there is nothing else to do, Headmaster?"
"Yes, of course. It's an admirable trait to have. I had just stopped by to have a little well-check is all. It's been almost half a term with you being a professor and I wanted to ask how you were doing again."
"Just fine, Headmaster."
"Well, if there's nothing else, I'll just be on my way."
"I do have a question, Headmaster." Agnes finally put down her quill to acknowledge Dumbledore's presence.
Dumbledore turned to face her again. He smiled as he awaited her quirey.
"Pardon if this may sound rude, but what business is it of yours to be sticking your nose in the lives of others and play matchmaker?"
"Ah," Dumbledore nodded. "You and Professor Snape have that in common. Always one to ask why - always seeking answers. You have that in common, indeed. Severus asked that very same question of me - though a bit more… demanding rather than asking. He marched right up to my office after supper, you see."
Agnes leaned the side of her face against the palm of her hand as she raised her eyebrows impatiently waiting for an actual answer.
The Headmaster's smile faltered if only for a second. "Right… Forgive any misunderstandings the situation had fabricated, Miss Blackwood. It wasn't my intention to, as you say, 'play matchmaker,' rather than have you and Professor Snape get along as staff members. Severus has been at your throat since you came to Hogwarts and I wanted to alleviate any hostilities. That is all."
"Uh-huh." Agnes stared at Dumbledore wondering if he had anymore to say. Agnes didn't believe him. Dumbledore was smart enough to know that she didn't believe him. Neither of them said anything else on the matter.
"Unless you have any further questions, Professor, I will leave you to your work."
Dumbledore turned to leave once more.
"Oh, and Agnes?"
Agnes glanced in the Headmaster's direction. He had his back to her. Dumbledore shifted to look over his shoulder at her. "Please do join us for the Christmas celebration." The Headmaster smiled before finally taking his leave.
Agnes stared at the doorway a while to make definitely sure that Dumbledore had left. Satisfied that he had, Agnes leaned back in her seat with an exhaled sigh. She rested her elbow on the arm of her chair. Her thumb supported the hollow of her cheek as she rubbed her temple with her other fingers. Her hand slid to form a band across her forehead as she closed her eyes.
Should she get back to work, or should she procrastinate?
A curt wrap at the door interrupted Agnes's internal debate. Another distraction.
"Enter."
Again, Agnes didn't bother looking up.
"Yes, Blackwood; so sorry to disturb you."
Flitwick. It was damned Flitwick. What in the name of Merlin's Beard did he want with her?
Her hand still spread across her forehead, Agnes tilted her hand to look at the Charms Professor and acknowledge his presence. Agnes said nothing.
"I have given it a lot of thought, and it wouldn't do to have a quarrel between fellow professors. So sorry that I haven't come by before now."
"Out with it, Flitwick," Agnes growled. She felt a migraine coming on.
"Right… Professor Blackwood, I am sorry for insulting you and your teachings."
Agnes raised her brow in feigned interest. "I see. Well, I accept your apology Flitwick. I have been over the ordeal for quite some time now. As you can see, however I have a bit of work to do. I would like to finish it before the students returned."
"Right… Yes, of course. I assume that's my cue to take my leave. Be seeing you, Professor."
Professor Flitwick all but ran out of the classroom. Agnes sighed yet again as she shook her head.
Guess I'll never be able to escape terrifying people. Well, if it's Flitwick I don't mind being terrifying at all.
Since it was winter, that obviously meant it was cold. And Agnes hated cold. Regardless of winter's burn caressing her exposed skin, Agnes trudged her familiar trail to the Black Lake. After Dumbledore's visit, she couldn't concentrate on grading the midterms.
She was too focused on trying to think up ways to avoid this Christmas celebration. Frustrated, and knowing Dumbledore would foil all of her attempted escapes, Agnes decided that it was time that she took a break.
She cupped her hand over her face as she lit a Marlboro. What better to do while you contemplate life than to have a smoke?
Agnes coughed as the dual burns of cold and tobacco carbon mixed into her lungs.
Agnes hated winter. Agnes hated snow. Agnes hated that every time she wanted to go find some peace there was someone else around to ruin it. Just like now. She saw someone standing at the bank of the lake looking out toward the calm waters.
Wait. Someone at the Black Lake? Was that… for a second time? Severus?
He must have been trying to set some sort of record.
Nonetheless, there Severus stood. His gaze fixated on the sunlight's watery reflections.
Without asking, Agnes knew what - or rather who - was on his mind. By the pained look on the man's face, Agnes knew Severus was thinking about none other than Lily Evans Potter.
Agnes approached him in silence. She stood by his side - not too close, but a respectable distance. She drew another drag from her cigarette.
"Don't complain if you don't like tobacco smoke. You're the one who decided to loiter about my smoking area."
"It's my fault, you know…" Severus had ignored her attempt at a joke. He had heard her words, but he hadn't cared to actually pay attention to their meaning.
"I'm the one that got her killed."
"And this is my cue to disagree and try to comfort you with lies, isn't it?"
"Regardless of anything you say as a form a comfort I would automatically label it as a pity-filled lie." Severus stared at the glistening waters ahead.
"Exactly the reason why I'm not doing just that. Though, being truthful, it was Pettigrew's fault for the whole thing. Well, not entirely the whole thing. With that logic, I could pin you for the death of my dreadful parents."
"Not helping." Severus's lips tightened at the corners.
"I wasn't trying to help, I was just being truthful."
An almost inaudible sigh was Agnes's only response or acknowledgement. Agnes rubbed the back of her neck not knowing anything else to do.
"What really helps the pain is to move on."
"Is that what you did? Move on? Yet here you are at Hogwarts chasing your little schooldays' crush wherever he winds up?"
Severus's anger didn't affect Agnes. She had grown used to it in the past few months. "And what were you doing? Honestly, anything you accuse me of you have no guilty conscious yourself." Agnes paused as she exhaled an exasperated sigh.
"I had to move on. I had accepted that I had no chance. Though I know I still don't have a chance a shiny glimmer of hope stills makes its home in my heart. There's a big difference between you and I, you know?"
Agnes waited for Severus to question her. He said nothing. His only response was a slight raise of his eyebrows.
"You are fawning over a dead woman. I am fawning someone who is breathing and is very much alive. Who has the issues, here?"
Again, Severus said nothing. Nothing but an exasperated sigh of his own.
"Have you ever been lost in your own thoughts wondering what could have been?"
More silence on Severus's behalf.
"Of course you have. We both know that we relate to one another in that way. What did you imagine, Severus? What was your happily ever after fantasy?"
Nothing was said.
"As much as I enjoy this one-sided conversation, Severus, I have better things to do with my time. Like finding another quiet space that I can call my own without my insufferable cat insisting on burning herself for my attention." Agnes turned to move on to another part of the grounds. Perhaps she'd find solitude somewhere on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
"Anything but this."
Agnes came to an immediate halt. "I beg your pardon?"
"My desired happily ever after. It was anything but this. Anything but for Lily to be dead. Anything than me having to live knowing that she's gone forever."
"I understand."
"No you don't! You can't understand! The most horrendous thing you've ever experienced was killing your own, despicable kin! Don't spurt utter nonsense you know nothing about."
"Okay, Severus," Agnes crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't understand."
"You're bloody damn right you don-"
The familiar flashes of the legilimency spell, only the polarities were reversed. Instead of his memories being searched, Severus was bombarded with memories that were not his own.
Agnes had taken advantage of his emotionally unstable state. She knew Severus wouldn't be able to counter the spell with any occlumency in his devastated state.
Her parents had gone to a meeting with the Dark Lord. Agnes, knowing the place it was being held followed her parents undetected. She was still a Hogwarts student. That was apparent by her uniform and her robes' insignia. She wanted to know if the dreadful rumors were true.
Agnes eavesdropped and peeked into a window at the new recruits.
Just as she had feared, there stood Severus. The life in his eyes as Agnes remembered them had gone. Severus was no longer the Severus that she knew.
He had died.
By his own accord.
Wonder what's wrong with me? I can't hold on to me.
I can't break free I've gotta let it go.
They watched as the silver blade cut into the skin. They watched as the silver blade cut deeper into the vein. They cringed and held their head back as they yelled in agony.
They didn't stop. It had to be completed. It had to be done.
The burning continued. The burning increased. Their muscles spasmed involuntarily.
Looking down, they watched as the mostly clear water became polluted with crimson clouds. They watched as the clouds floated to the surface. They watched as the clouds invaded the remaining purity of the liquid they were submerged in. They sank into the tub as they leaned their head back against the lip of the bathing tub. They felt their body becoming weaker by each slow passing minute. They felt their vision leaving them. They let their last thoughts fill their mind.
I had faith in you. You became another statistic.
But darling, I forgive you. After all, it's better than to be alone.
In the darkness I know myself.
And I know that I had to fall, but this time hopefully I won't rise above the ashes.
I gotta let you go.
Goodbye Severus.
I never got to say that I love you.
Their consciousness faded and everything became nothingness.
Severus gasped as his consciousness came back into the real world. He had felt everything. He experienced everything. The pain, the warm water touching his skin, the smell of blood; the loss of life in his body.
"No, Severus I'm afraid that I don't understand. I almost succeeded in suicide because I was an ignorant, hormonal, adolescent girl who just wanted to do it for fun."
"It wasn't the same! I was responsible for this woman's death."
"One does not have to feel another's pain first hand to understand their pain."
Severus became silent again in his anger. His anger shifted once again into depression. Agnes watched as he slowly ceased to express any emotion.
Severus reverted back to the memory he tried so hard to repress. He was holding Lily in his arms. Her cold, dead body was in his arms.
Severus was lost to the real world once more within his thoughts.
Not knowing anything better to do and ignorant to the ways of giving comfort, Agnes pulled him into an embrace. She rubbed his shoulders trying to comfort him. Agnes didn't know if she was doing the right thing or not. All she had to go on was watching the Gryffindors console one another. It was rather awkward. She had never comforted someone before. She had never needed to. Most of the people she had seen in misery, she killed to end their suffering.
She couldn't kill this man - even if he had asked her to.
Severus returned her embrace, only tighter. His cheek rested atop of Agnes's head as he held in the very same tears that he had shed that fateful night. Severus stroked Agnes's hair that cascaded down her back before gently clasping his hand at the nape of her neck.
"Lily. My Lily…"
Agnes's eyes popped open in alarm. Agnes's eyes glanced in Severus's direction as best as they could in her current position. Concerned, she raised a hand to stroke the side of his face. "Severus?"
Severus expelled a deep sigh from her touch. The more this carried on, Agnes grew even more concerned. "Severus."
Agnes shook the Potions master firmly.
"Severus!"
Severus gasped from the bolt. He opened his eyes and found, to his embarrassment, not Lily in his arms but Agnes. Taken aback by his involuntary actions, Severus jumped out of Agnes's reach. Had he been tricked?
"Just what were you planning?"
"What?"Agnes asked in her confusion.
"Don't be coy! I know what you were planning and it absolutely will not work!"
"I-I am so confused. What? I wasn't… what?"
Agnes's words fell on deaf ears. Severus had already stormed off in the direction of Hogwarts Castle by the time Agnes had finished verbally expressing her confusion. Agnes could only watch as the black figure disappeared into the distance.
"A deer is skittish by nature for survival."
Agnes jumped at the unexpected voice. Scanning her surroundings, Agnes spotted Dumbledore by a nearby tree.
"A hand of corn draws them close enough to be petted but with one quick and small movement they run. In their mind, there always lurks the possibility of predators and danger."
"I beg your pardon, Headmaster, but I am really not in the mood for riddles. I am confused enough already. If you'll excuse me…" Agnes left to find a suitable spot by the Forbidden Forest like she had set out to do earlier.
Dumbledore watched in silence as the Magical Theory professor took her leave.
"What the bloody hell is wrong with me?" A voice cried out in the dank darkness of the dungeons. "Am I hallucinating now? Great Merlin!"
Severus thrust himself into his chair at his desk. Even in his personal chambers, he can't find any form of peace.
"Why am I so drawn to this bloody woman? Why does she always appear whenever she's not wanted?"
Agnes's look of pure and utter confusion invaded his mind's eye. She was speechless.
Severus's thoughts took him to the other times where he had made the woman cry. Her tears… for some reason her tears affected him. They were so … familiar. Much like his own - now and then. They pained him so…
A plate broke as it hit the floor. Severus couldn't explain why any of this was happening, and Severus didn't like not having answers.
I typed (yes typed; I didn't write it in my notebook first) this chapter while a lot of stuff was going on. I think it's good up until after Juno's departure. After that Atticus, my son, woke up from his nap and proceeded to be your typical toddler and get into everything and cry when he can't reach something. I hope you all enjoy it regardless of the perhaps terrible quality.
Hopefully after Dumbledore's visit, the quality had gotten better. I wrote the parts after Dumbledore and Flitwick when Atticus went to sleep for the night.
I hope that you all enjoyed reading this chapter. I have found it may be easier to update whenever I find time to now because my mother-in-law showed me how to use this bluetooth keyboard that I didn't know we had lying around the house.
Please comment! I read all of them and reply to almost all of them!
