CHAPTER 1
''I'm not like other girls, I let my bowel movements define me''
Author's note: This is a half-serious half-parodic crossover, primarily between Twilight: New Moon and AHS: Coven, but it will also contain a lot of other fandoms. The events take place a few months after Edward left Bella. In this story, Bella Swan is a witch, but to not make her into an annoyingly perfect Mary Sue character, she also has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and therefore has to use the bathroom frequently. She will also probably start smoking pot to cope with her problems at some point.
*A little bit of context for those who are not familiar with Twilight or AHS: Coven - Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. She falls in love with a vampire called Edward Cullen who, like her, attends the Forks High School. After Bella goes through a few near-death experiences he decides to leave her and Bella becomes severely depressed for months - she can't get over the fact he left her. As for AHS: Coven - it's basically about this boarding school for witches in New Orleans (Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies) and the drama that unfolds there. I've decided to merge these two worlds into an alternate universe. Keep in mind that some characters are going to be very OOC, especially the character of Bella Swan.
**Please note that Zoe Benson doesn't live in Orlando, Florida when Myrtle Snow pays her a visit, but somewhere in Oregon. Her parents will eventually move to Orlando, though.
Bella Swan was lying on her bed, staring at the random shapes on her washed-out purple bed sheets. A car parked in front of the residence, but she didn't seem to notice the sound of squealing tires nor the car door slamming. Only when the bell rang, making Charlie run down the stairs to open the front door, did she start to feel that something was amiss.
''Where is she?'' asked a muffled voice in a worried yet oddly familiar tone. Bella turned to the other side of the bed to face the door to her room. It can't be - she thought to herself.
''She's upstairs...'' replied Charlie in a hoarse voice. It was hard to make out the rest of the conversation.
A few moments later she could hear the two people ascend the stairs. There was a soft knock. She sat up quickly. The doorknob turned.
"Bella, honey?"
"Mom?"
"It's me, Bella!" her mom ran to hug her. Charlie just stood in the doorway awkwardly.
"Wh- why are you here mom?" asked Bella in an uneasy voice.
"It will all be alright now. You don't have to stay here any longer. I came to take you home. Charlie and I decided it would be best if-"
"Char-, Dad!" Bella looked at Charlie, her chocolate eyes flashed with anger, but the rest of her face failed to convey any real emotion. She should have known her dad would snitch on her. He hung his head, guilty. For some reason, this made Bella even more appalled.
"Mom, no! I don't want to go. I want to stay here. I have... " she continued.
"But, Bella! This place isn't healthy for you. It isn't healthy for your mind!"
"I'm an adult and I can do whatever the hell I want. You can't force me mom!" said Bella, sounding like the whiny teenager that she was.
"Don't be so stubborn Bella! Look... just come to Florida. For a few weeks at least. You need a change of scenery to clear your head and put things into perspective. Your father agrees - it's what we both want."
"BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!" shouted Bella and glowered at both her parents.
Charlie looked unsure for a moment, but then faced his daughter with determination.
''It's been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him." He emphasized the last word.
''I'm not waiting for anything. I'm not expecting anything…'' glared Bella at her dad. The heat almost, but not quite, reached her face. It had been a long time since she'd blushed with any emotion. This whole subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware.
Before her parents could respond she added ''And I'm not leaving! I'm in my last semester and it would screw everything up!''
Charlie responded "You're smart - you'll figure it out.''
''No…''
"Listen to me, young lady! This is my house. I won't let you mope around any longer. You're going to Jacksonville, whether you like it or not!" lost his temper, Charlie.
''Fine, then I'll go find my own apartment and live on my own. You can't make me leave town. I'll go get a better-paying job. In fact, I can't stand working for the Newtons anymore. I've had enough of that scab-faced old trout. And I've sure as hell had enough of you! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!'' she barked.
Renée - full of exasperation - threw her hands in the air theatrically and shouted, ''Oh, stop being silly Bella!" She went to the hallway and returned with a travel bag. "I can't just stand by," she breathed, "and allow you to do this to yourself." She started picking up random clothes from the floor and wardrobe and throwing them into the bag, not even checking if they're clean.
"Mom, no!" Bella advanced towards her and tore the bag out of her hands.
"What's gotten into you!" Renée grabbed the bag again but her daughter yanked it hard and sank her nails into the back of her mom's hands. Bella looked absolutely furious.
"Stop it Bella you're hurting me!"
"Grrr, give me the bag, or I will bite you, and don't even think I won't!" Charlie stepped in and tried to push them apart. "Let go of the bag, Bella!" he shouted. The bag tore and dropped to the floor.
"Shut up Charlie, you little prick. Fight me!"
"BELLA!" shouted her mom and dad. ''Bella, what is this behavior?!''
Then something unexpected happened. That is, something more unexpected than Bella's sudden change of character. The lamp started flickering and the bulb popped. Renée yelped. The glass jar on Bella's bedside table started shaking, the water in it was boiling. Bella fell to the floor and started screaming. The window began to vibrate. It shattered and a strong cold current of air entered the room, blowing glass shards everywhere and ripping the posters and paintings off the wall. Bella's dark brown hair danced around her wildly as the foundations of the house convulsed. Then she passed out.
There was silence for a while.
"What the hell!" yelled Charlie.
"Charlie, put her on the bed quickly! And watch out for the broken glass."
Renée ran to her car to fetch her purse where she had her phone and then returned inside. She took out a small piece of paper from her wallet. It appeared to have a phone number written on it. She dialed it. Three rings later someone picked up but there was no greeting.
''Myrtle?'' asked Renée timidly.
''Ah, so it happened at last. Don't worry darling, we'll be there in a few.'' said the voice and then hung up.
''What the hell is going on!? Why didn't you call an ambulance?'' demanded Charlie.
''Because she needs a lot more than an ambulance to help her now,'' replied Renée, putting the phone back in her purse.
*A few hours later*
"Now wait a minute, are you actually being serious?! You want me to believe-"
"Oh come on Charlie. You saw what she did with your own two eyes. How can you deny what happened.'' retorted Renée.
"Well I don't know what I saw…''
"I'm telling you - I should have told you a long time ago. I prayed it would skip her generation. My grandmother - she suffered the same genetic affliction…''
"But we can't just let these strangers take her away!'' he pointed at Myrtle and her albino henchmen.
The ginger lady put down her cup of tea and turned to Charlie. "Don't worry darling, she'll be in good hands. She is not your daughter anymore. She is one of us now. Only we can heal the damage she did to herself while failing to control her powers. In fact, upon closer inspection, I have determined that she has gone insane. The immense power of her - well, powers - really messed up her brain. And I'm afraid, guts as well.''
"Guts?" asked Charlie and Renée at the same time.
Must I really spell out everything to these two? - she thought to herself and continued, "Well, you see, the mind and guts are interconnected. The brain influences the guts and the guts influence the brain. In fact, gut bacteria produce hundreds of neurochemicals. For example, they manufacture about 95 percent of the body's supply of serotonin, which influences one's mood. But one's mood also has the ability to change the way their guts work... So I'm pretty sure she will have digestive issues from now on."
"You got all this from merely looking at her?" asked Renée, surprised. Charlie just looked confused.
"Yes. When you've seen the things I've seen and experienced the things I've experienced, well, you sort of get a feel for such things. Also, she kind of let out a huge fart when I was examining her. Good thing the window had shattered, letting some fresh air in because GOD DAMN!" She stopped dramatically. And downed what remained of her tea.
"Anyway, enough of this. Go get the girl!" She yelled to the strong albino men standing in the corner of the kitchen.
"Let us say goodbye to her." pleaded Bella's mother.
"Well, that's not really protocol but alright. Just remember that she's our daughter now, Renée. You've done all you can. A long goodbye will only make it worse."
"You have 5 minutes," she added.
*On the train*
Bella was silently observing the unfolding landscape, contemplating the things Myrtle was telling her, their conversation interrupted by the occasional loud rumbles coming from the train engine.
"You're a witch, Bella," the old hag told her. Oh please, and what are you supposed to be then - Hagrid? Hell, we're even sitting on a train to some stupid wannabe Hogwarts.
"You appear to have many interesting talents, young lady. You're gifted in the field of telekinesis - my personal favorite. Well, it's not a really uncommon ability. In fact, it's so common that it became one of the Seven Wonders. The variation of telekinesis you are able to do; however, is very rare. It's called seismic telekinesis. You also have the gift of stiricidium - you're able to control the weather of your surrounding environment. On a small scale at least. This ability is tied to your ability to control water - hydrokinesis. The two are connected since controlling the weather basically means controlling airborne water particles and air pressure. Either way, air and water seem to be your elements."
"But I'm an Earth sign."
"What? Oh yeah, the Zodiac. That's a bunch of nonsense, dear. Well, the way normal people use it at least."
''Umm... Yea, ok I need to use the bathroom,'' said Bella, no longer interested in Myrtle's words.
''Ahh yes, you better get used to that...'' replied Myrtle.
''Used to what?''
*Somewhere in Oregon*
A few long hours later the train stopped and Myrtle and her pale gorillas stood up.
"Are we there yet?" asked the young witch, confused.
"We're going to New Orleans from Washington state, we can't be there this quickly. Use some common sense, you silly sausage," retorted Myrtle.
"Then why did we stop?"
"There is another young girl like you that needs my help... We'll get on the next train to Portland and then we'll take an airport shuttle."
Since Myrtle was gone for a long time, Bella decided to stretch her legs a bit, but one of Myrtle's henchmen that stayed at the train station to watch over her stopped her and said she's not allowed to go anywhere. As she was getting hungry, she asked one of them if they could go buy her something to eat from the vending machine she could see from a distance. The guy returned with a mozzarella sandwich.
"Thanks" said Bella, returning the change. She began to devour the sandwich. Hmm, I wonder if mozzarella has lactose in it. She whipped out her phone and googled: ''mozzarella lactose'' and read the first result. Cheeses such as mozzarella, provolone, cheddar, Swiss, and blue cheese generally contain less than 1 gram of lactose per ounce. ''Oh thank god,'' she muttered under her breath.
After a while, the ginger old hag returned accompanied by a skinny girl with long dark blonde hair. The train had already arrived.
''Zoe, I'd like you to meet Bella. Like you, she is a witch and will be joining you at the academy. Now let's board the train, it's about to leave.''
After boarding the train Bella and Zoe got to know each other better. They talked about their old lives and their childhood.
"We're probably not going to see our parents for a long time... I'm not concerned about my mom cuz I'm still kinda mad at her for keeping this a secret from me, and also for being insufferable in general.''
''Yea, I'm kinda mad at my parents as well,'' declared Zoe glumly.
''I am worried about my dad, however. I don't know who's gonna cook for him now. He's on a special diet cuz he has high cholesterol from all the junk he had eaten when he had been living on his own for all those years. He eats too much fat."
There was silence for a while because the two girls didn't know what to say. Then Bella spoke, "Well, I think my ass is too flat. Maybe it's cuz I sit around a lot. Plus Myrtle says I will be toilet bound from now on, so that's not exactly helping either." said Bella matter of factly.
"What do you mean by that?" smiled Zoe, confused.
"From this day forward I gotta take a dump, multiple times a day and also I get terrible cramps," replied Bella, crossing her legs.
"Oh, no I'm sorry," said Zoe, weirded out by Bella's indiscretion.
"It's ok, haha… So, you still haven't told me what exactly you did that resulted in your being taken away by this hipster Merida."
Zoe's smile vanished "I killed my boyfriend. I have a killer vagina."
"Oh my god! Wow, ok TMI.'' Bella's old personality returned to her for a moment. She felt a strong pain in her chest. ''Sorry, that's not really a topic I'd like to discuss.''
"Why? Did you kill your boyfriend as well?"
"Well, no…" breathed Bella, ''it's something else''.
Zoe decided not to press the matter further. She started reading the book Myrtle had given her and learning more about her heritage. The book was filled with fearsome images - puritan men holding a woman's head underwater. A house on fire, surrounded by men with torches. She imagined herself going through the same things and began talking to herself.
So apparently I'm a witch. It runs in my family. It doesn't show up in every generation. Or in every girl. Like my cousin Amanda - she's just bulimic. We read about the Salem Witch Trials in, like, fifth grade... Guess I should have paid more attention. The sad fact was - those girls weren't even witches. The real witches were cunning and careful not to be caught. In fact, after that, they got the hell out of Dodge… They fled. As far South as they could. That's how eventually New Orleans became the new Salem.
''Sorry, are you internal monologuing right now?'' interrupted Bella.
''What?''
''Haha, sorry, you seemed so deep in thought that I had to ask.''
"It's just that I should probably be freaking out because of all the things that have happened…"
"No, not really. It's Myrtle's gift. She makes witches accept who they are and makes them trust her - that's why the council usually sends her. There is like a special bond between witches of the same coven, they begin to act as one organism. As a hive or an anthill - if you will. In fact, now that I think of it, it might be the old hag's magic that's making me have a sense of humor and be more sociable. Well, it's either that or I really have gone crazy.''
"Oh, that's convenient. The fact that she has powers like that...''
"Yea, if we were in a novel this would probably seem like some sloppy attempt to fix a plothole. At any rate, my point is that I didn't use to be like this... I was always a boring-ass teenager, shy and quiet. At least I have a sense of humor now. And also some guts.''
Bella's stomach churned. "Woof! Speaking of guts, I think I need to go empty mine," she paused, "Right now!" She jumped up quickly and ran to the bathroom.
While she was doing the deed, she pulled out her phone and started watching some remotely funny TikTok videos. The sound of her hysterical laughs was accompanied by loud gasps and yelps as she was fucking up the toilet. The mozzarella sandwich had been a bad idea after all.
*Meanwhile in Forks*
Charlie was pacing around the house aimlessly trying to process the things that happened. His daughter was a witch and he was on his own again. He decided he would go clean up the mess Bella had made. He peeked inside her bedroom and saw that a few feet from the bed the floorboard was slightly lifted.
*Back on the train*
Bella was still battling the devil in the bathroom when her phone rang. She picked up regardless. "Dad, this isn't really a good time. I'm taking a massive dump!''
"Oh no, honey… Anyway, I went to your room and I saw that one of the floorboards is lifted. I found some stuff in it…''
''What? Can you send me a pic?''
"I don't know how to on my new phone…"
"Uhh, just email it then." Damn boomer.
Charlie took a photo of the scene and emailed it to his daughter.
Due to her father's bad photography skills she couldn't make out anything at first but then realization hit her - Edward hadn't stolen her birthday gifts after all. "THAT MOTHER FU-!'' she yelled.
Bella returned from the bathroom looking pale. Myrtle turned around in her seat and scolded her, ''Haven't I told you to pay attention to what you put in your mouth from now on!?''
The young witch sat down in silence and made a sad face. I'm not like other girls, I let my bowel movements define me, she thought to herself.
*Somewhere in New York*
Alice Cullen was designing a new outfit for Esme when suddenly she got a vision - a mature blonde woman dressed in black holding Edward by the throat. A few seconds later she got another very strange vision - Bella laughing in a bathroom of what seemed like a train and then shitting her guts out.
''What in the name of Jesus…'' she whispered.
