Ch. 5
"I'm not sick, I don't need counseling." Eleanor practically screamed the words at the doctor standing before her. His face took on an almost imperceptible look of sadness. Eleanor glared back, they could not force The princess into a program. The Monarchy would never allow that publicity. No, they wouldn't send her to a treatment facility, Eleanor thought. They would send her to one of the many mansions used by the family on holiday. They would lock her in with some round-the-clock care team, make her a prisoner. She didn't want to get better, she didn't want help, she didn't even want to be alive anymore. No amount of weight loss was ever going to make her like herself more. So what was the point of fighting this, why not just let it take her body as it had already taken her soul. But this doctor seemed annoyingly determined.
The doctor made eye contact with Jasper, then shook his head and looked at Eleanor's thin face. "With all due respect, Your Highness, at this point, with your health failing, it would be best if you were admitted to hospital and received care. You are severely malnourished." Eleanor rolled her eyes as she looked up at Jasper. The doctor sighed and turned to leave, "I'll give you two time to talk it over." Jasper sat beside her on the bed, an arm wrapped protectively around her frail shoulders. How could she not see what was happening? She had given in, and he knew she was stronger than that. "Len, if you don't start eating enough, the doctor will need to put in a feeding tube. Your body is starting to give up, your organs are slowly failing. If you don't get help, then I may lose you. I can't lose you, you are my everything. We are supposed to grow old and crazy together, cause all sorts of mayhem, embarrass our children." Her eyes were hardened; he always knew when her walls had been built up. The usual sea of emerald had been replaced by a steely expression. He sighed and leaned over to kiss her forehead.
He wanted her to get better. She could see how hurt he was, and truly she wanted to be alright for him. She wished everything could be different, that she could be different. But that nagging voice...no, not nagging, it was more demanding, more controlling, it raged inside her head. There was no escaping. Every thought she had of recovery, every notion that this could end, every realisation that this was a goddamn impossible way of life, came with more fear, more hatred, more loathing. Jasper was sat beside her, holding her tightly, rubbing his fingertips across the top of her blanket-covered thigh. She knew this was meant to be a comforting moment, she should feel safe and relaxed. But as usual she heard it saying her fat pressed into him, that her head resting on his shoulder was too heavy, her massive thighs left him with little space on the large bed, and he felt sick at the thought of those giant thighs straddling him. Her body was too large, too heavy, too disgusting for her to stop. She hadn't earned her freedom yet. Her body stiffened in his embrace as she sunk deeper into the grasp of this nightmare.
Jasper felt her body change, her demeanour shift. Another layer of bricks had been added to her walls, the cracks had been fortified. He may never break through at this point, he may have lost her entirely. Jasper wiped a tear from his cheek, kissed his beautiful princess once more, and slid off the bed. He turned back to look at her from the doorway, "You know I love you, but it's hard to love someone who constantly shuts you out. Your flame is dwindling and I fear the hour it finally ceases." Jasper stepped out into the hall and walked down the corridor. The hallway ended in a large picturesque window. A fountain surrounded by flowers and greenery brought a sense of calm to the area. Jasper leaned against the wall beside a potted fern, sliding down to the floor as grief flooded his usually stoic facade. He remained there until every bit of pain had been cried out. He felt numb, empty. The sound of expensive shoes on tile brought him back to reality. Liam appeared beside him, sinking to floor and passing him a bottle.
Eleanor lay alone in the cold, impersonal room. Left with nothing but her thoughts, the darkness grew. The IV in her left arm filled her body with necessary fluids...and dangerous weight. She was tired of sitting still. She was tired of being in this room. She was tired of being forced to do things to appease others. This was all hers, yes it controlled her, but she controlled it. At least that's what she told herself. All her life someone had told her how to act, where to stand, what to say. Finally she had something that her mother could do nothing about. Her mother could not make this go away, her mother had no say in any of this. Eleanor turned to watch the fluid drip in a rhythmic tune. The sound of her machines coupled with the dripping from the IV bag took on the pattern of her thoughts. Beep...beep...beep, you...are...fat, beep...beep...drip...beep...beepbeep…...beep, lazy...lazy...cow...fat...worthless…...pig. Her chest burned as her heartbeat skipped, slowed, and beat on more irregularly. She couldn't take it any longer, Eleanor tossed off the blankets. The chill of the room made her shiver but she forced herself out of her bed. She was weak, but sitting lazily in bed was making her crazy. She began pacing around the room, walking the perimeter and then around the foot of her bed, as far as her cords would allow her. The pacing didn't quiet her mind, not as it usually did. She could do better, she had to do better. If they tubed her, she would fill with calories and fat, she had to be as small as possible before that hell came to pass. Her hospital gown hung off one shoulder and had been wrapped double around her waist. She picked up the pace and began jogging. The monitor beeped faster as her heartbeat quickened. Every couple beats she felt a hitch as the pattern lost its pace.
The smell of whiskey hit Jasper as soon as he removed the cap from the bottle. "I thought we could both do with a drink. I also knew you weren't planning on leaving this floor any time soon," Liam said in a low voice. "She wants to marry me, she just can't get past this...whatever this is." Jasper took a swig from the bottle and passed it to Liam. "Our mother has always been hard on Eleanor, always pushing her to do better, be better. She's always been convinced that Eleanor just wasn't giving her best. She would praise others, brag about this one or that one, spend her time with any girl besides her own daughter. Eleanor spent years forcing herself to do better, pushing herself. Finally she just gave up. Nothing ever made our mother truly proud, so she quit trying. Everyone she has ever gotten close to has been pulled in by the Queen's charm and dismissed shortly after. Each time she would convince Eleanor that something wasn't right about that relationship, that something was off, that she was protecting Eleanor. Eleanor became convinced she wasn't worth anyone's time. I didn't see it at the time, I thought she was just being her usual dramatic self. I didn't realise until it was too late. By then, Eleanor had already broken. I couldn't protect her, I didn't protect her. She needs you, Jasper. She needs someone willing to look past her flaws, find the small light in her and clear away the cobwebs blackening it." Tears poured from Jasper's eyes once more. "I was sitting here thinking before you came back, I—I was thinking about how numb I feel, how empty, I feel like I've lost all my hope. I can't lose her, Liam. She makes me want to be a better man. But I realise now, this feeling of nothingness inside me must be how Eleanor feels every day. I don't know how she wakes up each morning, how she gets out of bed and faces each day. I can barely face the next two hours. She's the strongest person I've ever met and I might lose her." Liam and Jasper sat on the floor, half-finished bottle of whiskey between them, and cried. The moment was shattered by the sound of alarms and running feet.
Her chest was hurting, her joints ached (though they always hurt these days), she could barely catch her breath. Ignoring the pain Eleanor continued jogging around her spacious hospital room. She was determined to lose more weight, she had no choice really. The room grew hazy, darkened slowly. She felt unbelievably dizzy, a level of dizzy she had never experienced. Her stomach heaved and crimson phlegm and bile splattered the floor. She stared at the mess trying to make sense of what she was seeing. Her brain was tangled up in knots, nothing was clear. She gasped for a breath before everything went black. Her eyes rolled back and she fell to the floor hard, smacking her head on the tiles. An intense feeling of calm, serenity, quietness overcame Eleanor. She felt peace for the first time in years.
A/N Long awaited but finally here. I hope this meets everyone's expectations. I know this chapter is a bit shorter, but I will do better for the next chapter.
Most of the thoughts and feelings of Eleanor come from personal experience. I have no experience with full recovery, just a few therapy sessions. Really only enough to pull me off the ledge. But that's all beside the point. Eleanor may or may not make it to a recovered state. I haven't decided.
I hope this story helps someone feel less alone in the darkness of an eating disorder. You are not alone, you do not suffer alone. Your brothers and sisters in sickness stand beside you. Please reach out if you feel alone and need someone who understands.
