Chapter 7

Jasper's PoV

Eleanor had been sedated to keep her heart rate even, and to keep her relaxed while the Nasogastric tube was inserted. After Liam and the Queen had left the hospital, Jasper had remained at Eleanor's bedside without ceasing. The continuous beeping from the machines monitoring her would have annoyed anyone else after just a few short hours, but the sound told him she was still here, she was still alive, there was still hope.

He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep when her stirring roused him. The uncomfortable bedside chair made his back ache. Through his sleep-filled eyes he saw her clawing at the tubing taped to her cheek. "Eleanor, baby, you need to keep that where it is. That's to help you get strong again." He grabbed her hands, "Len, look at me. Len… Please, Eleanor, look at me." Her eyes were filled with terror as they finally turned toward him, tears had begun to run down her cheeks. Somehow he had to explain to her how sick she was, how he almost lost her. "Please take this thing out of me, Jasper I don't want this filling me with calories. Please, please Jasper. Please take it out." She was sobbing, begging him in a childlike voice. "No, you need to keep that in, your body needs that right now. Eleanor, your heart is very weak. The doctor is worried that it could give out, especially if you put too much stress on it right now. You need the nutrition and calories to rebuild your body. Baby, I almost lost you

last night. I can't go through that again." Her sobs continued as she pleaded with him, "Please, I don't want to be fat. You know you like my thin body. Please don't make me fat. Let me die, okay, I'd rather die than be fat. Please Jasper. You can't take this away from me, it's all I have that is mine, that no one else controls."

Eleanor's POV

She knew exactly how many calories were in the sludge they were dumping into her body. 1500. The number filled her with dread. She could feel her thighs growing and her hips spreading, her body was absorbing every calorie in that bag of "food." She had begged him to take it out; he just protested, telling her she needed the nutrition.

A bed had been set up near the window in her room and Jasper, exhausted, had finally fallen asleep. Ever so carefully she slid off her bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. She disconnected the tubing and dumped the contents of the feed bag into the sink. It was over half full, meaning the majority of those calories were running down the pipes and into the sewer. She reconnected the bag and gingerly made her way back into her bed, pulling the mound of blankets up around her chilled body. Her chest was aching ever so slightly, the movement had left her worn out. She leaned back in the bed and flipped through the channels on the télé. She was startled by movement as Jasper rolled over in his sleep. His muscular body gave off so much warmth and she always felt so safe tucked inside his arms.

Shivers ran through her body. She wanted him to hold her, she wanted to feel safe and protected. Once more she slid off the bed, this time moving toward the corner and the sleeping form of her lover. She felt the tightness in her chest before she heard the alarms sound. The room seemed to flip over quickly. As everything spun around and then went dark, she lost her balance. Two super-heated hands steadied her swaying body and then swept her up. Her ears were ringing and her vision had narrowed to a tiny speck.

Jasper's POV

Reluctantly he agreed to move to the guest bed set up in the room. He had barely lain down when he fell sound asleep. His rest was fitful, nightmares of his princess's death ran on loop. The unmistakable sound of her heart monitor pierced his slumber and brought him to full consciousness in mere seconds. Her frail body was teetering beside her bed, her face was as pale as a ghost and her usually pink lips had lost all colour as well. He was at her side in seconds, catching her as she collapsed. He cradled her in his arms before laying her back in bed. His princess, once more knocking on death's door. Two nurses came in moments later, one silenced the equipment. Jasper explained what he awoke to find. Her blood pressure had fallen and her pulse was racing. A nurse left the room briefly, returning with another bag to add to the IV fluids, "This should help to increase her blood pressure. She needs to stay lying down, too much movement can cause this to happen again." Jasper wasn't entirely sure why Eleanor had gotten out of bed to begin with, though he had a few theories, "I'll make sure I watch her, I won't let her get up again." The nurses left, informing him that the doctor would be by to check on her later.

'Dammit Eleanor,' he thought, 'why do you insist on destroying yourself?' Eleanor groaned beside him, she was holding her head at the spot of the bandage from the previous fainting incident, "my head is killing me, wha...what happened? Jasper what is going on?" Her colour was slowly creeping back into her cheeks but her eyes had a look of concern, he had to turn away from her to keep from falling apart. "Len, I just don't understand, why someone as beautiful and talented as you could possibly destroy herself; you have so many amazing qualities and so much love to give, but you let yourself throw it away. I don't understand why this disorder, this obsession, is the one thing you won't fight, I've never known you to go without a fight...until now."

He turned back to her, the shimmer to her eyes told him he'd said the right thing and yet said too much as well. She was looking down at the bed, at her hands now resting in her lap.

Eleanor's POV

His words stung. Of course they did, it always hurt when someone said they could not figure out why she did this to herself. The truth was, she didn't know how to stop being like this. She always claimed to be in control and yet she hadn't been controlling this for years. She hadn't been the one making the decisions, not fully. No, her mental illness had been driving that party bus for longer than she cared to admit. So whenever someone would grow impatient, would get tired of her constant cycle of insanity, they would lash out at her and berate her for this behaviour she insisted on maintaining. And every time, it hurt just a little more. She tried to distance her mind from the conversation, focus on anything else. This was her way of protecting what little remained of her, she threw another layer of bricks on the wall she'd built around her heart. Truthfully, she liked her little cave, it was safe to be so far removed from the reaches of others. She could pretend to be sweet or a bitch or whatever she needed to be, only letting her true self out when she was tucked safely away. If no one knows just who you really are, they can't stab you in the most painful places, your vulnerable spots. Trouble was, she'd opened the cave door just a bit for Jasper. She had let him see beyond the wall, not to her darkest corners, but he'd seen far enough in to know how to get under her skin, enough to know what, and how, to say what was necessary to get the results he wanted.

She tried to focus on anything else just to shut him out. It was then that she noticed the smear of sticky blood on her hand. She scrutinised the stain, then looked up to meet his eyes. She held out her palm to show him but his gaze fixed on her face, just above her eyes. "Len, you're bleeding, baby." Her mind began to feel clouded, confused. Fortunately she was able to turn the topic of conversation with Jasper, or rather her body's inability to heal small wounds had managed to turn the conversation. Thank heaven for small miracles, she thought. She was exhausted.

A young female nurse she hadn't seen before came into the room with a small tray of gauze and wound-care supplies. She seemed like a bubbly, cheerful person and Eleanor decided immediately that she didn't care for this woman. The nurse babbled on about something or other she'd watched on the télé. Eleanor kept her eyes cast down, she tuned out the incessant blabbering of the nurse, she ignored Jasper's worried glances and his pacing.

She wished she could pace. Who knew how many calories had entered her body through the NG tube before she was able to dump the bag. She felt the weight of the IV fluids holding her down, bloating her small frame. The need to burn calories was growing, it gnawed at her and she was unable to shut it off. The need consumed her mind, she didn't even register that the nurse had finally finished cleaning and redressing the gash on her temple.

It wasn't until Jasper spoke that she realised it was just the two of them in the room once more. "Liam is on his way here. I need to get some air, Len, and some coffee. I assured the nurses that I would watch you and make sure you stayed in that bed, but I need to clear my head. You must stay in that bed. Can I trust you? Will you stay out until Liam arrives?" She nodded but had intentionally refrained from making any eye contact with him. "Please Eleanor, I'm worried about you, about losing you. Please. Look at me, at least." "I promise, OKAY! Just go, I'll be fine." Still hurting from his accusations that she chose to starve herself, coupled with the anxiety surrounding her need to exercise, she snapped at him.

Jasper sighed, leaned over to kiss her forehead, and then stepped out to the hallway.