CHAPTER 5 / Hesitate

October 27th, 2011 / Morning

Yasogami High School Hallway

The Culture Festival was almost upon us. That meant I had become increasingly aware of my calendar and the time on my phone. Saying I was nervous would be putting it incredibly lightly. Fortunately the song that Rise and I had chosen had to be completely reworked and kept my mind busy more on that than what I was actually going to be doing. Some new lyrics were added to the song along with additional musical parts that helped the song feel like it told a more cohesive and overall just a better story. Because of this workload, I had spent nearly every evening with Rise rehearsing the song. She continued to be as upbeat and cheerful as usual but she and I had agreed not to tell the others the details about it, only that they would have to wait just like the rest of the school. Or the fact that she had stayed over at my house...definitely didn't need that little detail being released to the wild.

Due to Rise's influence with one of the teachers, she had gotten us a time slot for the stage after some other event of the Cultural Festival. I guess it was probably one of the ridiculous pageants that the school held every year. It would make sense to put us as a in between act. I made my way through the entrance and saw a large gathering around the bulletin board. It was normal for this when the pageant participant list got posted, although there was usually barely anyone in it. I noticed Yu and Yosuke but I didn't bother to say hi because I had to stop at the office and get the results of my midterms. They were going to post my results a long with everyone else but apparently my teacher had wanted to take a couple days to double check my midterms. Well my Midterm score might be on there but I wasn't going to get close to it considering the crowd around it.

I really wasn't too worried about it, even with me being kidnapped I didn't really have to study too intently. Mostly because I often did so every night regardless. I always did well academically because I didn't spend much time doing much else. I was at school just for school. When I went home I did my homework and then practiced the piano or maybe a different instrument. That was my typical day and it rarely ever changed. Until recently anyway. I still did all of those things but now Rise had been a part of that equation. And being kidnapped can have a little bit of an impact on your focus. I often couldn't help but think about the odd reality we lived in with the existence of this odd TV world and Persona's and Shadows. It was easier to just take it one step at a time. It was hard to deny it when you had lived through it after all...but it still took time to adjust to that craziness.

Now that I thought about it…soon the Culture Festival would be happening, and just as quickly it would be over. After that…there wouldn't be any real reason for Rise to spend time with me. For some reason the thought of that made me frown.

I walked into the faculty office and looked around for my homeroom teacher. She stood there donning the usual head arrangement as if she was Egyptian Royalty. Well not that exactly but I didn't really need to focus on that. She was still a good and thoughtful teacher. "Soufe-sensei, am I interrupting?" I asked as I tried not to make my sudden appearance too jarring.

"Ikakure, you're fine. I was just looking over something my brother had sent me. He's still trying to convince me that I should spend more time teaching about the Sengoku era," she rolled her eyes before finally focusing her sight onto me. "Did you need something?"

"My midterms…"

"Oh yes, I already posted your score along with the rest of the senior class. Although it seems like most of the students are crowding it since they posted the participants of the pageant," my teacher looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh right you were in fourth place in your class. You got a 486 out of a possible 500." She smiled obviously proud of this fact. "I'll be going over midterms the week after the Culture Festival so you can learn what you missed then. Did you need anything else?"

"No that's all Soufe-sensei," I said with a slight bow.

"I'll be looking forward to your performance during the Culture Festival then," she smiled before turning back to the letter at her desk.

I excused myself and left the faculty room. Of course, the teachers were well aware of the performance...and I think of all the teachers Soufe-sensei was he most excited...and as a side effect had been calling on me more often during class. I didn't mind, but it was probably more speaking than I had done in class in a long time. Even my classmates had noticed...and I didn't care about that aspect of it too much.

"Who do you think is going to be performing?" I heard a female student ask as a pair of girls walk by me. Naturally I automatically tuned in because there wasn't anything else they could be talking about other than Rise and I's performance.

"It's gotta be Risette right? I mean it's kind of obvious right? We don't have anyone else that can perform like that right?" her friend replied back. Well there was actually a few good singers in the schools music club from what I had heard...so not sure they were right on that account. Although they probably didn't consider the music club in this regard.

"That makes sense but still we should check it out," the female student said as the two of them disappeared through a door.

"People are talking about it already? But they didn't announce who was going to be there? I guess it is really going to be a surprise," I sighed and headed towards my classroom. Still they were interested in going because it was a mystery performance. Even though Rise was a part of the performance...I did the majority of the singing in the song.

Well class wasn't really boring, that was for sure. Most of the class was distracted by the fact the Culture Festival was happening so soon. Luckily, lunch time came pretty fast. Conversations quickly broke out around the class about the Culture Festival...a topic I would not be able to escape. I guess it was bound to happen but all the other events didn't really concern me, only the part where I was involved. I gathered up my boxed lunch and drink from my desk and headed out of my class. Lately it had been a habit for me to just go to the roof so that I could eat with some of the others from the Investigation Team. Not everyone came every day but it was still better than eating in my classroom. Which my increased exposure thanks to Soufe-sensei and my absence for those few days...plus the police talking to me...yeah I was definitely more known than before. After the Culture Festival that would definitely blow up even further.

As soon as I opened the door to the roof I heard a familiar voice, "You better have a damn good explanation for this!" It was Chie. Everybody was up here, and seemed like they were in a bit of a tense discussion so I just quietly made my way over to the place I usually sat and took a seat. Yu gave me a quiet hello but this conversation was definitely what everyone was focused on.

"F-For what?" Yosuke looked away…it was obvious that whatever it was about he was the guilty party.

"The beauty pageant! You wrote down our names without telling us, didn't you?" Chie was positively fuming about this and…wait he did what?

"N-No! It wasn't me! Why do you automatically blame me? I mean, if you don't want to do it, you just say no, right? Like it was just a joke," Yosuke's defense seemed way too planned for him not to have been the one responsible for it.

"Wait, wait. Who signed up for what? I'm totally lost," I spoke up. I had a good idea of what it was but it was best to clarify before making any assumptions.

"All the girls were signed up for the beauty pageant," Yu answered for me. "All four of them." I guess that meant Rise too...but it wouldn't be attention she hadn't gotten before. It was a little bit different for the other girls though.

"Yeah, and we wouldn't be so pissed if we could actually back out. With Kashiwagi-sensei planning this year's event, even those who are entered by other people can't back out!" Chie elaborated which I could definitely understand the anger that comes with that. Being volunteered for something against your will wasn't exactly the best feeling in the world. Not being able to back out of something even though it wasn't you that signed you up is something else.

"Seriously? Must've been something in the fine print I overlooked…" Yosuke muttered just a little bit too loudly.

"So it was you!" Chie definitely looked like she was about to give Yosuke a beating now that he'd outed himself.

"Oh crap," Yosuke took a few steps back but he really didn't have any place to run.

I just sighed and opened up my lunch. I wasn't really looking forward to the performance. Hmm, maybe that isn't the wording that I wanted. I suppose it was just nerves that made me hesitant to think about the performance. It wasn't like I had ever gotten in front of a crowd before. Unless you count getting in front of a full court room and jury. That was much different than this...but I wondered if my head knew the difference. Either way the thought of being on a stage in front of so many people made me start to sweat and shake. Last thing I needed was to have a panic attack while on the stage...that would certainly make me memorable. Maybe this isn't the best thing to think about before the performance.

"Hey…Do you want us to take part in the beauty pageant?" Rise asked. I looked up seeing she had directed it at Yosuke. Wait...did I want her to ask me? Oh goodness why did I feel like she should ask me? I don't want to understand why I am thinking this right now...there was too much to worry about already for me to make things even more complicated.

"Well yeah. I mean, you guys know how popular Yukiko-san is here. And on top of that we have an Idol and a Detective Prince. What's the point of having a beauty pageant if all these incredible heroines aren't going to take part?" Yosuke tried to defend his position. As I took a bite of the rice in my boxed lunch I noticed how he hadn't mentioned Chie in his little speech.

"So where do I fit in?" Chie asked and after a couple moment of silence got visibly angrier, "Well, excuuuse me for not fitting in!" Although looking at Yosuke I got a feeling that wasn't the reason he left her out.

"Hey, you want them to be in it too, don't you Kanji?" Yosuke was quickly trying to take the attention away from him before Chie rearranged his face. I feel like the two of them...despite everything were not really being honest with each other.

"Huh? I ain't interested in that stuff," Kanji shrugged it off as he sat down next to me. Well...for some reason I wasn't sure about that...maybe not interested in the pageant itself but it wasn't like he wouldn't be interested in some of the girls. I was pretty sure I noticed the subtle feelings in this group.

Yu and Yukiko...well they were a bit more obvious than the others. But they were also pretty good at not giving any indication of what was going on between them outside of school. Rise and I had personally been witnesses to them walking home together on the day of the thunderstorm. We were definitely aware of them. Chie and Yosuke...they would probably alway be in denial of their attraction to each other. I'm pretty sure it would take an outside force to get them to see what everyone else saw. Rise certainly hadn't had a problem teasing them about it. Kanji and Naoto...that was definitely an interesting combination...but from all appearances it seemed one sided on Kanji's side. But when they were at the study session...Naoto didn't dismiss or admit to anything when Rise brought it up. Then again Naoto was a detective first...and as such she never dismissed anything. But anything there would not happen until the both of them figured out themselves...at least that was how it had appeared to me.

Everything I had seen of Rise had made it seem to me that she was in love with Yu...or was at some point. Out of everyone I wasn't sure what to think of her...but everyone else in the Investigation Team...especially Yu was for some reason, pairing Rise and I together. I suppose it couldn't be avoided when you are doing a performance together. Honestly...I was attempting to not think about it...it was a ridiculous thought...me in a relationship with Rise? Risette and me? I had never even fantasized about something like that. Then again those kind of thoughts I was never good at. I really should just stop thinking about it all together.

"Naoto-kun…Kanji-kun says he really wants you to be in it," Yosuke stated a bit louder. So it also seemed most of the Investigation Team was aware of the dynamics of the team...but mostly blind in their own interactions with the others.

"Wha…!? I didn't say nothing!" Kanji got back to his feet, too easily provoked by Yosuke. That didn't mean he hadn't been thinking it though.

"Yu, What do you think? You want them to be in it, right?" Yosuke quickly changed his target again.

"Well why not? How often does something like this ever happen?" Yu offered a smile to the girls but the way he said it he made it feel like it was more of an opportunity rather than a death sentence which is what I would have interpreted it as. I feel like Yu would be pretty scary as a politician.

"Ahh…I thought you might be a little jealous, not wanting me to show off to other guys. But I guess you're not that uptight," Rise's words caught me off guard which actually made me stop mid-bite. I looked up to see that her eyes were actually on me and I quickly looked away feeling my cheeks warm up almost instantly. Did she want me to say something about it? She was an idol...her being in front of a crowd was normal. Was she implying that I would be jealous for her being on a stage and other guys seeing her? Since when did my opinion matter on any of this? I mean if anything I had seen more than the others anyway...she had stayed in my house and been dressed in my clothes...and she hadn't been wearing a bra...and oh my god...now that I think about it I had totally been stealing glances at her whole body that night. Yeah...I had no right to have an opinion on this subject. For one she was a couple years younger than me. I still hadn't known her for long. Somebody please shut my brain up...

"Hey…You guys are inching onto the bandwagon with Yosuke, aren't you?" Chie looked at the other girls, clearly not liking this development.

"Well I'm already doing a performance with Senpai but there are people looking forward to seeing me, I might as well go through with it. Of course, there is no reason to involve my agency on this," Rise said it as just an off comment but it struck a thought with me. What if the agency learned she was singing a new song with some no talent nobody in Inaba? That wouldn't be good right? That could...cause some legal issues as a result...

"Th-That's right! That's the way to go! Teddie's looking forward to it too. Actually, I think he is more excited than anyone. It was him who was pushing me to sign you all up," Yosuke said. Actually that made more sense than Yosuke going out of his way to sign up the girls. After all, Teddie was the one who wanted me to teach him how to play an instrument as just a means to pick up girls. Which I was sure wouldn't work anyway. You needed to have a reason to play music in my opinion...doings so to pick up girls might work for a time...but it seemed shallow and would never lead to anything meaningful.

"Ugh, so Ted's behind this too…" Chie groaned. I could understand that sentiment.

"We're in an awkward position. We can't refuse; I suppose there's no sense arguing the point. But it seems ill-fitting for someone like me to get on a stage. I wonder if there's any way I could take it up with the school authorities…" Naoto had moved on to finding a loop hole to get out of it. If it was me, I'd just fake being sick.

"I-I…don't think it's a problem at all. I-I mean, just do it! Ya know…seriously!" Kanji was suddenly on board for the beauty pageant now? When did that happen? I raised an eyebrow as I looked at the freshman. I mean it wasn't like he would see or learn anything more about Naoto that he didn't already know...right? I mean all of them knew these girls better than they would ever share on stage. Maybe there was just an aspect to this that I didn't understand.

"Dude…looks like your blood's boiling even more than usual," Yosuke commented. I wonder why Kanji seemed so awkward when it came to the girls. I wasn't one for social interaction myself but I wasn't really awkward…I just choose to keep my distance.

Rise just started giggling, "Silly Kanji-kun. Just tell her you want to see her on the stage." Well Rise liked to tease Kanji and Naoto…and everyone else.. I wasn't exactly the best in understanding why that was fun for her. I never really had the kind of feelings of liking someone…and while I could recognize the signs of it because of things I had read...I didn't really understand it. "So, is it a deal? The four of us will be in the beauty pageant?"

"What are you saying?" Naoto's voice was fully alarmed by this. I guess she had planned to find some way out of it.

"Um…I beg you, please be in it. If you do, my, uh, doubts will be cleared…C'mon! Make me a man!" Kanji suddenly said. I honestly had no idea what the intention of his words were supposed to be. There were other ways to...actually I'm not sure what he meant at all.

"Doubts…? What are you talking about?" Naoto looked over to Kanji. Rise looked like she was enjoying the exchange between the other two freshmen.

"L-Look, just do it, dammit! I mean, you're an ace detective, aren't ya?" Kanji said getting all riled up. For someone who had originally didn't care he sure seemed adamant about Naoto participating.

"Wha…!? What does that have to do with the beauty pageant!?" Naoto wanted clarification.

"Hey, guys," Yu interrupted. "Look, it isn't like you can back out anyway. Kanji just thinks you should put some effort into it since you have to do it. Maybe you'll be surprised and enjoy yourself."

"I dunno but…I guess I have little choice in the matter," Naoto let out a big sigh. The way Yu could interject and ease a situation just reminded me of how dangerous he was. And also why he worked best as the leader of the Investigation Team. Everyone respected him and listened when he spoke.

"What do you think, Senpai?" Rise asked me as she approached me. I really needed to finish my lunch...I was getting continually distracted with my thoughts.

"About everyone being in a beauty pageant?" I asked and then took a few more bites of my lunch. One way to approach this was to pretend I hadn't heard anything. Or been paying close attention...but I actually was.

"Well yeah," she smiled. Her smile seemed to disarm me every time I saw it...and it always took a moment to recover.

"I dunno, I'm surprised you girls don't march down the faculty office and demand to be taken off of it. Even if the teacher in charge won't let you drop the faculty would probably do it. The teacher probably just wants to hold onto the contestant she has because there is usually never many girls that do it. All the senior girls stayed out of it mostly because we have more exams to worry about since we're heading to the last quarter of our high school life," I shrugged as I ate a little bit more of my lunch. I noticed that a portion of the guys had already left. Chie was still standing there pouting about it though. It made sense...out of everyone Chie cared about how she was perceived a lot more than Yukiko. Well it felt that way. And Chie was a bit more vocal about it than Naoto was. Rise...well she was used to it.

"That is such a non-answer," Rise frowned. I figured she wouldn't care for my answer but...it didn't really matter.

"I just don't like how you guys didn't have a choice. Being forced to do something without your permission…" I shook my head. Was that really it though?

"You sure you're not just the jealous type?" Rise grinned. That was an interesting question, but that would also imply I had a reason to be jealous, which I wasn't sure I did.

I simply shrugged, "You mean…to have all the guys look at you?"

She nodded.

"No...you're an idol after all. Plenty of guys already do that on a regular basis," I said as I took extra effort to focus my attention on my lunch. She had been even more flirtatious since she had stayed at my place a couple days ago. I had a better understanding of things because of her explaining what had happened exactly leading up to my kidnapping but it was still odd in a lot of ways to me. And honestly...I had no idea how to approach her most of the time. But I wasn't going to rise to it...I needed to stay focused on making it through the performance above everything else.

"Someone is in denial," Rise giggled. I highly doubt I am.

"There has to be a way I can get back at Yosuke," Chie muttered out loud.

"Just do the same thing to them," I said suddenly. I didn't really agree with forcing people to do something as I had already stated but…an eye for an eye was something I could agree with. And likely if they couldn't back out of theirs...then...well somebody should account for the reverse coming back to them.

"What do you mean?" Chie suddenly looked over at me. Even Rise was curious.

"Did you forget about the other pageant that happens at Yasogami, Satonaka? Plus it will be doubly humiliating for them," I pulled out a paper that had the preliminary list of events for the culture festival. I'm surprised they hadn't looked at it. Probably too focused on the fact they had been forced into the pageant.

"Senpai, you are a genius," Chie's face broke into and evil grin and then quickly left the roof.

"What other pageant?" Rise asked.

"Something Hanamura should have remembered before he signed you up for that pageant. I'm sure Satonaka would have gotten the idea eventually," I shrugged. "Apparently our performance will be held between the two different pageants. But we have time in the morning during set up to do a rehearsal on stage if you want to."

"Nah, besides if people see us practice then it will ruin the surprise," Rise smiled. "I'm going to head back to class. See you after school?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you by the lockers," I said as I watched her walk off.

We had grown into a comfortable distance as of late. Rise didn't grab my arm or anything like that as of late. I was a lot more at ease around her because of it. And that was probably why she had stopped. Now that I thought of it, it was probably best that this Festival be over and done with. Being so close to her only seemed to cause me trouble…and a never ending thought process which revolved around her. Still that didn't explain the weird feeling in my heart when the thought that she would never be coming over again crossed my mind.


October 29th, 2011 / Afternoon
Yasogami High School Roof

Time passed by in a flash and the festival was here. It was only the first day so I didn't have to worry about the performance until tomorrow. Still there was nothing for me to do. The nice thing…and well kind of the bad thing of the festival was that there was no classes but you were still required to go to school. My class had teamed up with the drama club to do some play. I didn't have a part of the play, obviously. I barely even paid enough attention to know what we were doing. As always the class just opted to leave me out of it entirely so I was just left up to my own devices for the rest of the day. Right now I was basically hiding up on the roof.

"Senpai!" a familiar voice came up to me. It was Rise. The girl that refused to leave my thoughts regardless of the time and place. I felt like I was only becoming more aware of her presence as every day came and went.

"Hey, Kujikawa. You get free from what your class was doing?" I asked as she sat down next to me. Not too close to me. Both of us had an unspoken agreed distance at this point. This was my fault too, right? Of course it was...any amount of distance between us could be blamed squarely on me.

"You should really call me by my first name," Rise was quick to pout as she often did. But calling her by her first name? Why did she want me to do that?

"I'm telling you, there is no way I can do that," I sigh. Calling someone by their first name implied a lot about anyone's relationship. And the last thing I wanted to do was create problems for her by doing something like that. Not to mention rumors and everything else. I could handly things being said about me...but not her. Or anyone else for that matter. Thankfully, Rise quickly dropped the subject as she often did and moved to a question.

"You aren't helping your class either?" she asked. An obvious question to make, and I had never talked about what my class was doing in the Culture Festival anyway.

"I was never a part of the plan," I shrug. "It's fine, they are doing some play…I would have been no help anyway."

"You could have played piano," Rise pointed out, and was true but they were doing most of the music from pre-recorded tracks.

"That would involve me telling them that I can do so," I said dryly looking at her for a moment before looking down towards the gate of the school. It looked like the school had a lot of people here. Well in a small town like Inaba…most of the town came out for High School Culture Festival. Tomorrow would be the big day though…it usually was, but a good amount showed on the first day.

"So you aren't busy now, right?" Rise asked.

"Well…no," I said honestly curious as to why it even mattered.

"You want to walk around with me? I haven't had a chance to check out all the stands yet," Rise said as she got to her feet.

"With me? Are you sure?" I eyed her for a moment which she just rolled her eyes at me. Didn't she understand the complications that could happen being seen with me?

"Do you see anyone else up here? Of course, you," Rise looked like she was going to reach for my arm for a moment but she stopped herself and instead just put on a pleading look on her face. It would be better than just sitting around, and I usually went around looking at everything anyway. But still...

"Kujikawa...if your seen with me walking around...and then the performance tomorrow..." I started but Rise frowned and interrupted.

"Ikakure-senpai...you do know that rumors will start about us after the performance anyway, right? Plus all we do is rehearse, we never get a chance to just hang out...you know spend real time with each other," Rise brought up some good points...and I had the suspicion that she wasn't going to take no for an answer anyway.

"Alright," I got to my feet, defeated. I just needed to take it one day at a time. "Let's get going then."

"Yay!" Rise grinned and bounced out in front of me. "Come on, I know where we can start. I hope you're hungry."

"Well I am," I chuckled a bit as we made our way back into the school building. It was often hard for me to keep up with her energy level...but I found recently that I didn't need to. Rise often adjusted to me...but she still tried to keep me up beat. It was odd having someone that put in the effort to try and do that. "I usually eat lunch with whatever stands are here during the Culture Festival."

"Anything else that you usually do during the Festival?" Rise looked back at me.

"Avoid human contact?" I shrugged but Rise actually started giggling.

"Well then you aren't doing a very good job of that," Rise grinned as we rounded the stairs and down to the first level of the school. I'm not sure why she grinned about that...but Rise was really hard for me to read most times anyway. "Anything you hungry for, Senpai?"

"Well we had tofu last night so something with more…meat," I shrugged unsure how to specify anything more than that. Since Rise usually ate dinner at my place when we practiced she had brought some tofu from her Grandmother's shop. It was pretty good...and I wasn't really that big of a tofu eater. Mom just wanted me to make sure I had variety in my diet I guess.

"I think there was a stand selling some of the Steak Skewers…and it comes with some sort of mystery sauce," Rise suggested. Well I wasn't sure how good it would be but it was a start. Mystery sauce usually meant the stand owner was proud of it in some fashion.

"Alright, which way is the stand?" I followed Rise at this point since she probably had a better idea as to where the stand was. We went out the front entrance after reaching the ground floor, which took a bit of work because there were students going in and out. Actually it was a pretty crazy mess all around us now that I thought about it. It wasn't so bad on the second floor of the school though. Wonder why that was. I didn't care for the crowd too much but I managed to make it through without touching or getting touched by anyone. We walked off to one side where apparently the stand was as Rise headed straight for it.

"And how can I help the two of you today?" the man at the stand seemed friendly enough. We hadn't had to wait too long in the short line that had been there.

"We'll take two Steak Skewers…" I said.

"Don't forget the mystery sauce," Rise added with a giggle.

The man looked at me, I just shrugged. "You heard her." I pulled out my wallet and paid him before being handed the Steak Skewers and mystery sauce.

"Alright, here you go. Keep having fun you two," the man winked at me as Rise and I walked away towards the less crowded area of the entrance.

"What was that all about?" I furrowed my eyebrows wondering what the hell the wink had been for. Was it because I was with Rise? Already there were misunderstandings...I guess it was inevitable.

"Don't worry about that, Senpai," She said as she dipped a part of her steak into the sauce and took a bite. "Oh Senpai, you have to try this!"

"I am, I am," I said as I dipped my own into the sauce and took a bite. While the steak wasn't anything surprising as far as taste was…the sauce was actually a really spicy barbecue sauce. Well that was the only way that I could think to describe it. "Oh…Wow…I think I'm in love."

The two of us quickly devoured the rest of the steak skewers and used every drop of the mystery sauce in the process. We bought ourselves a couple bottles of green tea and relaxed on a bench as a lot of other stands continued to be busy with people buying lunches in front of the school. I just shook my head at the craziness going on. "I don't think I could ever get used to crowds like this."

"Oh you could. It isn't really that big of a deal," Rise said as she took a drink.

"This is coming from a girl who is an Idol and had no choice but to deal with them," I said dryly as I took a drink.

"Was," she corrected me. This was also the only time in the last twenty minutes or so that she hadn't looked at me when she spoke so it made me pick up on the subtle message here.

"You'll always be an Idol. Nothing stops you from going back into the business you know," I was curious as to why she would word it in such a way. You never really stopped being an Idol. Even if you were on a little break from the business. Still I had a sense I was approaching a sensitive topic. "You're an Idol to me, even now."

She was taken aback for a moment. As a matter of fact she started blushing. "No, Risette isn't me. Not the real me." That statement told me a lot.

"What do you mean? Of course it is. It's just one side of you. I mean you wouldn't want everyone to know every tiny bit of your life, right? Sometimes it's best to have that mask," I wasn't sure how else to put it. I mean yeah I could see what kind of problem it would cause to be an Idol. Day in and Day out people are watching you and as an idol you are always selling yourself…because from a business standpoint you are the product that has to be sold. But on some level it is still a part of who you are...but its just an aspect of yourself.

"Well everyone knowing everything about me would be a little scary," Rise agreed with a light giggle. "But what about you? You don't even interact with your classmates. I mean here you are wasting your time with me, a girl two years younger than you."

"I can counter that you are going to be singing on stage with a guy two years older than you and someone you've known for just over two weeks," I said giving her a side glance which got her laughing. Did we really connect, or were we fooling ourselves? Could I trust anything that I felt with her? Could I trust myself? I guess the best question to ask was if I had ever trusted myself.

"Why do you stay away from people? Is it because of Miyuki-san?" Rise asked in a hushed tone. She obviously wasn't sure she should ask the question.

I looked away from her, my mind suddenly overwhelmed with the memory of Miyuki…the way she looked, sounded and even smelled entered my mind. I sighed heavily, "Yeah, I guess so." All that had happened to me recently made the memory of her stand out distinctly in my mind. Something I had been trying to suppress for a long time. But if what happened in the TV world was any indicator...that was not the way I needed to deal with it.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories," Rise quickly back pedaled but realized that the damage had already been done. Since the subject was there I might as well talk about it.

"She protected me, in more ways than I could ever properly describe. And I don't really think it is necessarily Miyuki but what she did for me that stops me from interacting with others. She gave up her life for me. Maybe that hadn't been her intention but it was what happened. And me…I'm nobody. I only made her life worse simply by existing. And I can't say I have used the life she gave me in a way she would want. I would rather…" I stopped my thoughts and shook my head. "You don't want to hear this…it doesn't really matter."

"How can you do this?" Rise suddenly got to her feet her tone immediately sounding irritated. She stopped herself and then stepped in front of me, looking at me. "I'm sorry Senpai."

"Why?"

"I just don't want to hear it anymore. You need to stop talking like your life isn't worth anything," Rise reached down and took my arm. Despite how gentle she was I tried to pull away but she her grip on me wasn't so easy to shake away and she held a definite look of determination. "Don't you trust me, Senpai?"

This wasn't about trust. If it was...there wouldn't be a problem but...her resisting me...my mind started to race. Soon my arm started to shake, but she pulled me up to my feet and she stood at my side with my left arm her prisoner. I felt the need to push her away so strongly but I did trust her. I knew I had nothing to fear from being close to her but my body…it didn't agree. Still undeterred she dragged me back into the school building not even caring on who watched us. After a few moments I started to breath more heavily…was I really getting this physically sick from it? Or was it because of the other memories that had stirred up within me? Why was it so hard for me to handle this? I hated it. No, wait...this was something else.

Rise must have noticed my problem because she instantly dropped my arm, "Oh my god, Senpai. I'm sorry. I…" She looked over me for a moment. "Come on let's go to the nurses office." Rise proceeded to direct me down the hall and into the Nurses office. She talked to the Nurse for a moment and brought me over to a bed. I laid down on it immediately and began to shake.

I should have recognized it before. It was an anxiety attack. My mind flooded with images of Miyuki…all the things she had done for me…and all the things I had failed to do in return. On the nurses bed I shook violently for a few moments and felt as if I couldn't breath, but it only lasted a few moments. It passed eventually and I took a couple long deep breaths. I looked over not really knowing how much time had passed. Often times it last longer than I realized...panic attacks were not great to deal with...and they usually came at bad times too. But honestly...I hadn't had one like this in a very long time...not until...not until I started to do things outside my comfort zone. I should have realized something like this could potentially happen.

Sitting in the chair next to the bed was Rise. Her eyes filled with concern. The moments after an anxiety were often the times my defenses were at its weakest. Why? Why did she look at me this way?

"Senpai…are you okay?" Rise asked in a soft tone. The answer was obvious...No...no I wasn't.

"Just an anxiety attack," I took another deep breath. Not wanting or caring to clarify the mess of thoughts that ran through my head during an anxiety attack. Most of them were not the best that you'd want to hear someone say. "It's not your fault."

"But Senpai…if I hadn't…"

I simply shook my head, "You can't predict anxiety attacks. They can be triggered by just about anything and for just about any reason. Most of the time they don't even make sense. You grabbing my arm and the way I react to that does not mean it is what caused it."

"Still I shouldn't have brought up such a hard subject for you. It didn't help things…" Rise was looking down at my hand. I was wearing my school uniform so she couldn't see up my arm. And yet at this point in time I half considered telling her all about my…bad habit. What was I doing? What was it about this girl that caused me to act so irrational? I was changing as a person…and the only thing I could think of was my kidnapping. Ever since I had gained my Persona I even felt different. I wasn't afraid of socializing like I once was. I could have full perfectly normal conversations. But...it had its limits obviously.

"Hey, Kujikawa…after the Culture Festival I think we should spend some time to sit down and talk," I said as I started to sit up and rubbed my arm. Under that spot was a place I had cut myself early this morning. I had felt so tense about being on stage that I felt like I just had to let something out. It's hard to describe the kind of relief it brings…and right now a day before our performance was not a time to try and explain it to Rise. Maybe after we had time to sit and really talk about it...but nothing ever goes the way I want anyway. I was really worried about how she would react...which is why I was avoiding it. "So just save all of your questions for then. Okay?"

"Alright, Senpai. Are you feeling okay now?" Rise looked over me for a moment. I could tell that because of what had happened she was hesitant. She tried so hard not to hurt me...yet I also knew at the same time she was trying to push me forward. Our talk at my house a few nights ago had been more than enough proof of that.

"Yeah, anxiety attack just kind of drains me," I shrugged as I got to my feet. Rise was right next to me, but she didn't touch me this time…she just made sure I wasn't about to fall. I let out another deep breath. "Come on, let's go look around. Maybe we can go see how Narukami and the others are doing."

"Are you sure that you're okay?" She asked again…her eyes so fraught with worry. When was the last time someone other than my adopted Mother looked this concerned over me? Maybe it wasn't the memories of Miyuki or even Rise touching me that had caused the anxiety attack. No…it was a single solitary thought that was not coming into my mind. Fear.

I was afraid of this connection I shared with Rise. I was afraid of it disappearing. Everything that had ever meant something to me ultimately disappeared. Over the years only my music and a sharp edge of metal ever gave me any solace. But what if Rise could be a source of comfort? Would I lose her…just like everything else? I should push her away before anything happens…it was too risky…right? What would I gain from it? Would it even mean anything to her? No…these were all pointless questions. There was no possible way for me to know or understand how she felt. And it shouldn't matter anyway because none of that was going to happen. Rise deserved so much better than me. I am nothing but trash…worthless and a coward. I should be dead…that way no one would have to worry about me anymore. It was the only thing that made sense to me.

Yet Rise's concern did not waver, "Let's just stay here for a bit longer, okay?"

We sat in silence…and in my mind my thoughts continued to race along. Each one more detrimental to myself than the last. What was wrong with me? Tears fell from my eyes without my consent. With the tears came an onslaught of emotions. It was too late...after an anxiety attack I had little of my usual composure left...I was left with little defenses. I couldn't stop Rise from witnessing this.

"Senpai!" She pulled me into her arms…but the feeling of panic or fear didn't come. Something unfamiliar surfaced…comfort. My tears turned into cries as I felt as if I was riding an uncontrollable wave of emotions. I guess my anxiety attack hadn't been done with me yet. Or maybe...this was just something else. Either way...there was no way she would forget this.

"How am I going to perform tomorrow?" I whispered as I cried.

"You'll be fine. I'll be with you the whole time," Rise replied back as she held me.

I don't know what to think anymore…and my emotions were all out of control. The tears didn't stop for quite a while and then I found myself utterly at ease. A strange comfort came over me, as I found myself finally regaining control. It was warm…I hadn't been held in so long. When was the last time? Right now, it didn't matter. But I found myself speaking without really wanting to. "Kujikawa…I wish I could be a better person…" Yeah...I really wish I could...but I doubt I could ever be as comfortable normally. No...I could only be close to her because of the after effects of a anxiety attack.

"Why would you say that, Senpai? You are already such a great person. You just don't know it," Rise said softly.

"I don't deserve those words," I whispered.

"Well too bad, you don't get to decide that."


A/N:

Well this chapter has seen some decent revisions and quite a bit additions. As may be the norm from here on out as I have a better understanding of what I wanted to get out of the early chapters. Along with the overall plot of the story. Most of this is set up for the next Chapter but there is some hints as to some of Kayane's deeper issues.

I think it is pretty noticeable that most of his problems...if not all...are completely psychological. And I think it makes it more interesting as a Persona story...especially Persona 4 which main theme is facing yourself. But there is a lot that Kayane needs to face in order for him to really grow. The next few Chapters are about the Culture Festival and more about the characters and the interactions of the Investigation Team.

Some related news...the sequel for Momento Umbrae called Momento Reliquum, won't be posted here until after a specific chapter in this story. Mostly because it will be pulling from both my Persona 3 and 4 fan fiction, and will be a sequel to both of them...in one way or another. Although the focus is more on Persona 3 due to the nature of that story. Anyway...it will be some time before that comes along but I thought I would give a heads up.

Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter...but also if you don't...let me know. Either way leave a review and I hope to see you next week with Chapter 6.