Chapter 10 / Sliver

November 1st, 2011 / After School
Somewhere in Marukyu Striptease

The Shadow in front of us had no distinguishable form, for a moment it would look humanoid, but then the next it would be a formless blob. Something about this felt so horribly wrong. It seemed like a collective mass of similar thoughts…but it wasn't from any single person. If I had to give it a name…it could be called legion. Voices of many, but share one form. A form that they didn't seem to be able to agree upon. Still the seemingly hundreds of voices were calling out to both me and Rise. If it was related to the emotions gathered here...then the prevalent thing that tied it all together was probably...loneliness. A legion of loneliness, not exactly the best mass of collected thoughts to become a Shadow but there was certainly a lot worse. However, it stood in front of us constantly calling out for attention, our attention…to be cared for, to be loved. Things that Rise and I had trouble finding in our youth. And I would say...trouble even now.

"I wonder…is it because I hesitated to take the first step that this happened?" I muttered as the Shadow being stepped slowly forward, its shape never taking a solid form. It would fit if that were the case. Lately I had been segregating myself from the others after my performance with Rise. It hadn't lasted long but I understood what it was. That fear that Rise would turn her back on me...that after the performance there would be no reason for her to ever speak to me again. So I reacted by putting up a wall...cutting her off before I could be hurt by that thought. I blamed her before she had ever done anything wrong. Because I was scared of trusting...because I was scared of taking that chance. If I really wanted to change...I knew that I needed to have a little bit of faith.

"So alone…don't you understand? I need you to understand," the Shadow's speech was like a mass hundreds if not thousands of voices. Was this like our own Shadows? Or different? It had to be...it was fundamentally different...but what attracted them together? I suppose the only way to find out was to try responding to it.

"I do understand, but I also know that there was no ones fault but my own. I was merely a prisoner in a cage of my own building. It wasn't that there weren't people that didn't want to reach out to me…it was actually the opposite. No, I denied all relation or possible interactions to other people…and because of that, the rift in my own heart grew greater and greater as time passed on. It took something as extreme as me being kidnapped and thrown into this crazy world to realize the truth of what I had done to myself," I think I finally understood the truth after all this time. And honestly, it wasn't as complicated as I had often tried to make it out to be. I found myself glancing at Rise, her eyes told me she wanted to reply directly to me to what I said but I shook my head. "The same goes for these Shadows, solitude is often self imposed. You have to make the choice and take a chance to break it."

"You lie…there is no one…no one that would come for me…I will always be alone…and because of that…I will never be able to…" The Shadow was conflicted…I could tell that some of my words had reached part of the Shadow. But there were also those that had refused my words.

There was a reason why the Shadow could not take a solid form. Even though the Shadows had merged they weren't all unified in thought and purpose. It was fighting within itself…both sides wanting to claim dominance of the whole. And it was because of an inherent difference in one thing…reason. While both Rise and I had experienced loneliness it had been completely different. I had made a choice to isolate myself from others. It may had not been a conscious decision but it was a self-imposed outcome. That didn't make the loneliness that it brought any less effective. Rise, however, had been isolated because of her peers. She had tried to become a part of the group…to make friends. And she became an idol in order to take steps to attain that dream. Things did not work out the way she had wanted or planned, but you can never anticipate how people would react. While she had become popular and was now a part of the group…she was known only as an idol. The other parts of her that were not the idol was not seen by others. As such even though she was surrounded by people, she felt more isolated and alone than she had ever felt before. It's not something imposed by yourself...but something that happens without you realizing. When she realized what had happened...it was too late. Strangely enough her choice to quite as an Idol is more than likely what was best for her. She made the choice to change when she figured out that her dream wasn't going to come true. What had I ever done to change myself? All of it was in reaction to things I had more or less been forced to experience.

My first real choice was getting on stage and performing with Kujikawa Rise. And I had almost turned away from the progress I had made as a result. I was still scared about what could happen...but if I did nothing...would I really want that? No...I didn't want to be that way...not after I've seen what life could be like if I took a chance. To play music in front of a crowd...to have people I could call my friends. I wasn't about to just let that go. Even if I had a long fight with myself to overcome in order to make sure it stays that way.

I wasn't sure if this Shadow was going to attack us or not. The fact was that I needed to be ready in case that eventuality did come to pass. So even though we had been merely exchanging words, I kept my sickles ready to defend Rise and I. With no one else here it would be completely up to me to defend the both of us. And while Rise's ability would make it easier for me…I didn't have the versatility that Yu had. He could switch Persona and make up for any weaknesses or slack in the group. He was able to compliment and ensure that regardless of the enemy we would be able to attack and prevail. He was well suited to managing the strategy of a battle. Right now anything could happen. I was definitely a novice when it came to a fight...even less so when it came to using a Persona. I had summoned Tsukuyomi over a dozen times and found that it was quite powerful. Many of them remarking that I came in with overall stronger skills than most of the Investigation Team. Regardless I had been dependent on Yu's strategic advice up to this point. I shouldn't think about it too hard, I need to focus on the threat and deal with it logically.

However, if this Shadow was strong to all my attacks then the two of us would simply be playing a game against time. It would dissolve into nothing more than a game of survival and it would be dependent on the others finding us. And while they didn't have Rise to guide them…Teddie was capable of helping in the interim. If we had a free moment I would ask Rise to try and contact the others.

"Must…understand…so…alone," The Shadow's voices collectively muttered. The voices seemingly becoming more desperate. "Don't you, understand? None can save us. None will look for us. None cares for us." Those were feelings I knew very well.

"No, it isn't true," Rise said from behind me. "There is so much more to it than those feelings. Sometimes we have to realize our own weaknesses. In the end I didn't need to become an idol to make friends. What I needed was confidence in myself. I was so shy and reserved before that I never interacted with the people around me. And because of that there were misconceptions about me and…I was left alone. I thought that becoming an idol would solve all of my problems. But no...it was only one step I had to take."

"Alone…alone…" The Shadow repeated. Its form was still not taking a solid form, if anything it became even less solid than before. There was something definitely wrong with this. This 'thing' was more than just loneliness…it was more base than that, more than likely it was despair. The one common thread it had was the complete and utter lack of hope. No matter what we said…in the end it wouldn't believe us. It didn't want us to accept them, or deny them...no it wanted us to despair. It wanted us to feel those feelings again. But I could never forget it...those feelings that went through my head when I had tried to commit suicide. The same emptiness I felt when I was told Miyuki had died. No...those were feelings and memories that were etched into my very soul. It was not about forgetting those moments...but finding a way to move forward with them.

"None of my effort was in vain. Despite the circumstances, I found my friends, and Senpai. They see me for who I really am. And I know that I would have never met them if I didn't put in the effort back then. Even if it was so hard at first to take those first steps. I'm glad that I did," Rise quickly elaborated. "I'm not alone anymore."

"So…alone….why don't you understand?" The Shadow was more at conflict with itself now. However, it suddenly started coming towards us. "WHY?!" The Shadow lunged at us and I stepped back and kicked one of the nearby school desks into the Shadow's path. I kicked it from underneath causing the desk to flip up and into the air towards the Shadow. I watched as the Shadow got hit and caused it to stumble back. Then the Shadow began to solidify into a distinguishable form. No, scratch that…it actually split apart. Then the now separate Shadows took forms that Rise and I wouldn't be able to mistake. Us. These weren't really our Shadows…but simply a form that they had decided to take. If I had to guess, it couldn't stabilize as one form, so it settled on splitting into the two conflicting thoughts. While the end feeling was the same...the reason it was there was quite different. What threw me off is when these Shadows then stood close to each other and began touching the other. These Shadows eyes were not gold like the ones we had faced when going against our other selves...no, they were red. Clearly this was much different than that...but even if I realized that these were Shadows...seeming a form of myself running his hands over Rise's body was disturbing. And I mean...all over her. His hands traveled over her breasts and down her stomach and further down still. The disturbing part is that while this happened...the Shadow of Rise was looking at me...and the Shadow of myself was looking to Rise. But seeing the way this was unfolding and the way these Shadows were touching each other...desperate to hold onto to each other...and yet...not looking at the other. This...this was all happening because of Rise and I...and the fact that we had been avoiding each other...we had been fighting.

"Why are they doing that?" Rise said softly from next to me. I could imagine because on some level that carnal desire for that connection was present between the real Rise and I. Although doing something like that also scared the hell out of me.

"So alone…why can I not feel you? Why can't you understand?" Shadow Rise said this looking at me. Even if this wasn't the real Shadow of Rise...were these emotions hers?

"I'm in so much pain. Why won't you help me? Why do you hurt me?" My Shadow was obviously looking at Rise. And the pieces fit together all on its own. I didn't look away…I kept my guard up, but I felt ashamed. Those were my feelings...or what I had felt...but I noticed the contradiction in those thoughts immediately. I wanted her with me, but at arms length. I couldn't do that...not to her. She deserved more than that...someone better than me. Yet part of me selfishly wanted her all to myself.

"They may not be our Shadows but…they are connected to us…" Rise whispered from my side.

I could still feel my Persona within me. If Persona's started as Shadows...did it mean it was capable of reverting back to their previous states as Shadows? Either way that was not what was happening now...I could surmise that much. It had to do with the nature of this world. Well...it seemed like the only logical answer to this current state. "It's still a collection of Shadows. Regardless if it is using our own emotions to stabilize itself. More than likely that's why it took our forms. Latching on to our separate feelings." I was merely speculating but it made the most sense.

"It's because we…have been fighting," Rise said with hesitation. The sound of her voice made it obvious that we needed to talk about it. I knew that...had been avoiding it. I had no idea how to approach her about topics like this. I probably was over analyzing the situation...and why I had not come to a consensus on how to discuss it. I was worried I would say the wrong thing to her and drive her away further.

"I still don't know the others that well, but I think maybe we have the biggest gap between us because of…well me," I kept my eyes on the Shadows as they were continuing to fondle and grope each other. It was a manifestation of what Rise and I had both been feeling lately. Except a bit over exaggerated...maybe. We had been pushing away from each other despite how close we had been lately. I hadn't explained anything, which left Rise confused as to what she had done wrong. Because I had been keeping my distance from her. And I was dealing with a conflict in my mind. Fear of getting close to her…and afraid of trusting myself to anyone. The thought of letting her in to help me deal with what I feared for so long made it incredibly hard…and in response I had built up a stronger wall around myself. Every time I tried to tear it down another was put in its place. It was a fight within my mind...as much as I wanted to be closer with Rise...there was an equal resistance that fought it tooth and nail.

"It isn't just you, Senpai," Rise whispered just loud enough next to me.

"I'm sorry, Kujikawa. I never know what to say. I've spent most of my time avoiding people and so most of my automatic responses are often dismissive. And I can't stop my body reacting when it just associates touch with pain. Sometimes I can handle it and others it is just too much," I didn't know if us talking now would do anything about our situation, but it was hard not to when our problems were staring us in the face. And it was because of how we had let things become. It wasn't really either of our faults though because we just weren't experienced in a relationship like ours. I wasn't even sure as to what our relationship even could be labeled as at this point.

"I'm sorry too, Senpai. I thought that being happy and doing my best to make you feel welcome in the group was all I had to do. But somewhere along the way that changed and I…made things worse as a result. I don't want to give up on you, or us. I just don't know how to help," Rise's voice was hesitant and full of emotion. What did she mean something changed? What changed? The way she phrased it made my heart start to beat faster.

"It won't be easy…it could take months or years for me to finally be able to touch or be touched without flinching or cringing. If that is even possible. I know I have to be willing for those changes to happen. However, there are still things I haven't told you. And I know you won't like what I have to tell you," I was as honest as I could be while keeping my guard up on the Shadows in front of us. But did I really wish to be that close to Rise? To touch her, hold her and everything that came along with that? Is the way these Shadows touched each other something I wanted with her? The thought of it made me uneasy…and yet I could feel somewhere in my mind that I knew that it was the truth. I had never really thought about dating or even if I had ever been attracted at all to the opposite sex in all these years. I wasn't sure if I could honestly say if I ever had either way. I was sure I had fallen for Rise's voice when I had heard her demo song a couple years ago. It was why I had bought all her CD's without even a thought. I would even skip school to head over to the closest town to get it on release day. I had never so much as given a second glance to girls in my class...yet ever since I had heard Rise...and even again when I met her in person. My eyes and ears were drawn to her. I was attracted to her...denying that would be idiotic.

"I'll listen to whatever you have to say. No matter how bad you think it is, I want to help you. I want to know you better, Senpai. And I want you to know me better than you do now," she was right next to me…and I wish I could be looking at her while we were talking…but then again I wasn't exactly sure I would be able to handle that. So maybe this situation was best for this bit of confession between the two of us.

"I feel the same way, Kujikawa. I really do…but first we have to deal with what is in front of us," as I spoke apparently our conclusion had disrupted our influence on the Shadows and they had visibly slowed and lost energy. They separated and were now slowly coming towards us...menacing, intending to lash out at the people they wanted to experience what they were. The thing was...we had...no, in some ways we still were. But we made a choice and that choice was something that the Shadows could not accept. There was no reason to hesitate. I made the first move, the tarot card came floating down in front of me. I sliced through it with my left sickle, "Tsukuyomi!" I hit the Shadows with the skill named Vorpal Blade, my Persona drew all of it's katana's and sliced a large number of times that I couldn't keep up with. It had certainly caused some damage to the Shadows but not significantly enough. They were definitely much stronger then the ones I had faced thus far. Well...it looked like my attack had turned the tables into little more than scrap.

"They're resistant to physical strikes. Senpai, try out some magic," Rise must have been ready this whole time for me to strike. She had likely summoned her Persona after I had moved to attack.

I summoned my Persona again, hitting my lookalike with an Agidyne spell; it fell backwards to the ground hard and slammed into the wall at the front of the room. That seemed to do the trick, but the Shadow Rise hadn't halted her own attack. While my own attack hit my Shadow...the fake Rise leaped in close and hit me hard. It came at my side and with such force that to lessen the blow I moved in that direction. I managed to mitigate the force of the initial contact but it slammed me into a desk and then slid me away. To my surprise, the Shadow Rise seemed to have no interest in attacking Rise and instead came towards me. I had no time to react as the Shadow Rise dived on top of me. She punched down at me and I moved my head enough to avoid it. The next moment I saw the real Rise come up from nowhere and hitting the Shadow Rise off of me with a chair. I quickly got back up to my feet.

"They are keeping our form? Two on one isn't exactly favorable odds either," I muttered.

"I'll back you up as best I can...I can't let you do this alone," Rise said still gripping the chair she had used to help me.

The Shadow Rise charged again, this time I summoned Tsukuyomi and attacked with a Bufudyne. The ice attack slammed against the Shadow Rise and sending her sprawling onto the ground. I didn't hesitate and followed with another attack. This time Tsukuyomi came forward with Tempest Slash and ripped the Shadow apart and disappearing into nothing. I didn't have time to think as the Shadow of me was charging from my side, but Rise came forward swinging at him. It stopped to block it, and I was there before he could retaliate against her. I came in slashing down with my sickles, making him jump back to create distance.

I spun and this time threw one of my sickles, but it missed wide. Just as I intended. The Shadow of me charged forward as I yanked the sickle back hard. It came back right against the foot of the Shadow and with another hard tug pulled his legs out from under him, forcing him to fall to the ground. I came forward, recovering my other sickle into my hand and lodged the blades of both of them into the Shadow's face. And after a moment of resistance the Shadow disappeared.

"Thank goodness that is over. I didn't think they'd go down that easy," I muttered as I fell back onto the floor. I heard Rise dropping the chair behind me and she came to my side and sat on the floor next to me.

"I wasn't able to sense them until…after we talked and made a decision," Rise had been close to me for the majority of the time of that fight and so now that the danger was passed I had to take more effort to not retreat away from her. She was close enough that I could feel her warmth next to me. It was both comforting and frightening to me. Plus the image of our Shadow versions with their hands all over each other was an image I wasn't going to get out of my head any time soon. Man this whole situation was screwed up.

"Shadows connected to us…yet at the same time not. If left alone…maybe our Persona's would have reverted back to being a Shadow if we had gone a different route," I shook my head. It was too much to think about.

"You think something like that could happen?" Rise asked.

"I don't see why not. It takes courage and strength of heart to face yourself…but that isn't a one-time thing and your done kind of deal. You have to constantly battle yourself to make changes. At least from what I've experienced so far," I did my best to look into Rise's eyes. "Imagine if at any point you just gave up? The only one that stops you from doing that is you. You can't help somebody that doesn't want to be helped, right? If you hadn't come for me...maybe the danger would have been that much more serious."

"I..." she hesitated. She apparently decided to drop what she was going to say and approach from a different way. "What you suggest makes sense," Rise looked down at my hands. She hesitantly reached out slowly and as her hand got closer to mine, my hands started to shake. She took my hand in hers and I could feel such immense discomfort but I did my absolute best not to pull away from her. Her expression showed a frown in response to my reaction, but that expression shifted slowly to one that was sympathetic. It didn't make much sense on why I reacted in such a way without context. But Rise did know why it was so hard for me. Yet as much as I wanted to pull away…a part of me wanted to stay where I was. Her warmth was so comforting that after a few moments my hands began to stop shaking as much…instead in just happen in spurts. "I don't want to hurt you, Senpai. At the same time I want to be close to you."

"You don't hurt me, Kujikawa," I said softly. "This is merely a reaction caused by the man who did hurt me all those years ago. But even if my mind knows that you would not hurt me…my body still wants to get away. It doesn't want to take that chance." My reaction was subdued though as she was holding my hand right now. What a crazy day it had been.

"And you, Senpai?" she whispered as she leaned into me a bit more. An image crossed my mind of those Shadows once more. I couldn't stop the shiver I got thinking about it.

"I'm scared," I looked away from her and felt my arms tremble a bit against her touch. "I want to change but…it means opening myself up in a way I never have...and honestly I'm not sure I even know how. I know there will be more pain. What I'm scared of most is that in the end I could lose all the friends I make. I could lose you." The moment it had left my mouth I couldn't take it back. Thankfully I wasn't looking at her so it was a bit easier. Rise had become too important to me in a short amount of time. And her knowing I was scared about losing her...put a lot of power over me. Yet...I had said it anyway. Was I really taking the chance and trusting her?

Rise let go of my hands and got up to her feet. I looked up at her as she turned around back to me and offered me her biggest smile, "We will be fine." This smile I could never get enough of. That I only wanted to see more of every day. But that meant accepting the challenge of getting closer to her...and hopefully without my anxiety or anything else being triggered.

"What makes you so sure?" I asked. It would only get harder every day...or would it get easier? There was no way to know but she sounded and looked confident that she was right.

"Just trust me, Senpai," She continued to hold up her smile.

Trust? When was the last time I truly trusted anyone? Well I had trusted all of them in the Investigation Team lately…and it seemed that it was expanding each and every day. I had done so without even realizing it and the thought made me smile a bit. "Alright, Kujikawa."

She frowned, "Come on, just call me Rise."

I shook my head, "I'm telling you, I couldn't possibly do that."


November 1st, 2011 / After School

Somewhere in Marukyu Striptease

RISE'S POINT OF VIEW

My Persona seemed somewhat useless at the moment. I just couldn't find a way to get my bearings on our surroundings. And worse yet I couldn't connect with anyone back with the rest of the Investigation Team. Kayane and I were completely cut off from the rest of them. Which means we needed to figure out our own way out. Despite the situation being somewhat concerning...I felt more comfortable than I had in quite a while.

Kayane was leading the way down what was the halls of my old middle school. Well, I know for a fact that the hall of that school had never been this long. Kayane was keeping his mind on the task of finding a way out. I was doing my best to scan ahead using my more passive scanning ability. I couldn't get a clear view without my Persona but we also needed to keep moving. Getting back to the others was important but...I didn't mind being lost with him.

Damn those Shadows...now I couldn't get that image out of my head. If it had been showing an odd interpretation of both of their feelings for each other at that moment then she couldn't help but dwell on it. Even with all Kayane had experience...even with the fact that up until this point I never once thought that he would look at me that way...never want me in the way that so many other guys do...yet seeing the Shadow Kayane have his hands groping, clawing fondle the body of the Shadow version of me made me second guess it. Maybe it was just my own daydreams mixing into this. I'm such an idiot.

My own problems looked so insignificant when compared to what Kayane had gone through. And how hard was I making it for him by pressing my relationship with him? This is what I had been constantly thinking about since the end of the Culture Festival. At moments he seemed comforted by my presence...and then at the very next he was scared of me. I hated the fact that to be close to him meant hurting him. But a part of me refused to give up on him. I couldn't. It was too late...I was already past the point of attraction to Kayane. The more I learned about him...the more I was falling for him. And I definitely couldn't stop my physical attraction to him. Hence I had a current frustration because of what I had seen. And now I couldn't stop thinking about it. Having Kayane's hands touching me like the Shadows had done. There had to be something wrong with my head.

I had never before ever daydreamed about a guy so much in my life. I mean I had a couple of times of Yu-senpai...but I also hadn't met Kayane yet. I'm not sure exactly when it had started either. Actually...I had an idea...it was probably when I saw him sit down at the piano. That was attractive to me on its own. Not because he could play it, but because not only did he play it well...he wrote his own music. No...what ultimately pushed me over was the moment he opened his mouth and sang. So at first I was heavily attracted to his talent because it was nothing like any singer I had heard. So impulsively I asked him to do a performance with me for the Culture Festival. It was actually not a good idea because of my agency...but ultimately it was okay because it was a part of the Festival and I was doing it as Kujikawa Rise and not Risette. Well you can't stop how other people refer to you though.

Then I was over at his house every day in order to rehearse...and slowly but surely I began to realize how attractive he was. When he had first sung, I had clung to every single word. His deep baritone voice seemed to be able to reach straight into me like no one else ever could. And it had the side effect of making me aroused. This was the part that was both exhilarating and frustrating. He had no idea he had that kind of power over me...and if he did know...he would probably take steps to not try and provoke that when I was around. So seeing those Shadows doing what they did combined with my thoughts left me irritated for a few reasons. Mostly because now I really...really wanted to kiss him...no no...I just wanted him to touch me. I would even settle for just a simple hug at this point. Oh geesh I needed to clear my head. And naturally as I was following behind him I realized I was staring at his butt. C'mon! Get it together Rise!

Kayane stopped after a moment, I did as well only a half step behind him. "The hallway is repeating itself."

He had a serious look on his face...I bit my bottom lip seeing this from this angle. I was way too distracted to think clearly right now...and I really needed to be focused. I could fantasize about him later. I took a step back and summoned Kanzeon and scanned our immediate environment. If it was repeating...then maybe we hadn't really moved at all. In this path there was the door to the classroom and...no...that was it. All doors led to the classroom. "Senpai, I think our exit is somewhere in the classroom. From what I'm sensing all doors we passed so far only head back to that point...we haven't moved at all."

"I was starting to get that feeling," Kayane muttered as he moved to the door. He opened it and stepped inside and after dismissing my Persona I quickly followed.

Now that I think about it...his tendency to think out loud and the comments he makes under his breath is something I was also attracted to. He was observant and he was intelligent. Not because he was essentially two years older than me. He was actually a year and a half older than me...so it wasn't that big of a gap. He just started school at a younger age. Or maybe he skipped a grade...he is definitely smart enough to do that. But it wasn't just his intelligence but how he often used it...he never flaunted it and never bragged or called attention to it. I knew that was because he never wanted attention...but damn it...his nonchalance way he often quipped around the others, especially with Yu. How he carefully thinks about everyone around him...he was so amazing, and everything he does its...its...ITS SO DAMN FRUSTRATING!

Walking in behind him I see him taking a serious look at the environment of the classroom. I was biting my bottom lip again. I came up to his side and gently took his arm once more. I wish I had the courage to tell him these feelings I had...what he brought out of me...and how much I wanted to show him every single thing that he made me feel.

"Hold on, Senpai. Let me see if I can get a better reading of what direction we should go," I said calmly but pressed his arm against my chest. I could feel his arm shake a bit but he wasn't fighting to push me away. And even if it was just momentary I wanted to feel him against me in some form. I summoned Kanzeon once more, but refused to let go of Kayane. I used him as my center...while I had been completely aroused because of him, sensing him through Kanzeon had instead calmed me...it put me at peace. And suddenly...I knew why. My connection to Senpai was more complicated than just attraction. And it was certainly a lot more than me lusting after his touch and body. His mere presence calmed my mind, he focused my thoughts...he became my center. I needed to know him more. I want to know what his dreams are...I want to know what his least favorite movie is...I want to know what he looks like when he wakes up in the morning.

There was so much...so much more waiting for us in the future. There was no need for me to rush him in to anything. I could be patient and enjoy every single day with him...let him take his time. Plus...it isn't like it wouldn't be fun taking it day by day. Yeah, I could do that.

I redoubled my focus on finding our path to escape. Using Kayane as my center I slowly pulled out...looking for paths, hidden doors...and finally...

"I found them! Senpai, smash that window," I said stepping away from him somewhat reluctantly.

"You got it," Kayane said as the tarot card floated in front of him, and he sliced through the card. "Tsukuyomi!"


November 1st, 2011 / After School
Junes Food Court

It wasn't that hard to find our way back to the others after breaking out of that strange pocket of Rise's dungeon. We did make a few other discoveries as a result, and maybe a little bit more about the other world itself. Just because we had accepted our other selves doesn't mean that it was over. If our power of Persona was in direct relation to our hearts and state of mind, then our darkest emotions could show themselves any time, if we allowed it to build up as Rise and I had. This time it was because of the state of Kujikawa and I's desire to understand each other coupled with the feelings of loneliness because we had been unable to be honest with each other.

The collection of Shadows had merely been drawing on our emotions and using it to strengthen itself, but because of the difference in our feelings it caused a contradiction that had weakened the collective. In other words, it had not been our own Shadows, but just ones that were attracted to a specific emotion. It made sense in a way though. If I understood it correctly, Shadows were representative of repressed emotions. It was why our own Shadows revealed our darkest secrets. Because the emotions tied to that shaped who we are, but we also hid them...meaning that something that was key into how we were as a person was hidden and locked away...where we never wanted anyone to see. And because of that we could never move past that, it haunted us and our everyday, even if we weren't completely conscious of it. This altercation showed Rise and I that there was no way that our Persona and our Shadow could exist at the same time. The main question that came to my mind because of this was if it was possible for a Persona to revert to a Shadow to begin with. And if it was…how more powerful would that Shadow be? It would have to take a significant event to cause something like that to occur. And I certainly wasn't inclined to find out. It was also why I couldn't allow myself to recede back to who I was before.

"Are you two sure you're okay?" Yu asked looking from me to Rise.

I felt fine but my body was exhausted from the events, but I felt lighter...like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. And I had to fight a number of Shadows on my own on the way back to the others. And I was still new as a fighter. I definitely needed more experience. However...another thought crossed my mind, I couldn't just let tonight end like it had...or pretend it didn't happen. There was a new danger here that could affect everyone at any time if we didn't take steps to try and prevent it. "It might have been my fault." I admitted and took a seat at the long table in the food court as we all arrived there. Rise was quick to sit next to me but mindful of the distance between us. Still she sat close enough as if to remind me that she was there. She had been a bit more bold today than usual so I was glad she was giving me a bit more space in front of the others.

"What exactly happened?" Naoto asked as everyone took seats at the table. This was an important discussion that needed to happen.

"I know what you are all thinking. This could be vital information as to the nature of that world," I said softly and no one really said anything in response because I already knew I was right. "I thought it had only been out for me, perhaps because of my capacity to over think. I know now that it wasn't the case because it had clearly been targeting Kujikawa as well. It was the place made out of her mind, a place where something pivotal happened for her. In all likelihood the Shadows that gather in those places are of the same school of thought and feelings of the individual that inhabitants the area. It was Kujikawa's world, so more than likely it took both of us because of the similar emotions we both had been experiencing as of late. And likely because of the discord between the two of us."

"So you think that the Shadows in those places are attracted there because of its original host?" Yu rubbed his chin for a moment. "And because of Rise-san's and you're feelings are so similar, it took you both. Taking advantage of both of you because of the negative emotions you had towards yourself...and each other."

I shrugged, "Yeah, essentially. Loneliness is a powerful and constrictive emotion. You can unintentionally cut yourself off from those around you simply based on the assumption that no one wants anything to do with you. It can manifest in several different ways…you can sabotage relationships intentionally and cut off the people around you. Or you build walls around yourself that no one, not even yourself, could ever possibly climb over on your own. Regardless of how its done, you are pushing the people around you away from you."

"Senpai and I were very different," Rise spoke softly next to me. "I thought that there was something wrong with me…and because of that I never had the confidence to try and reach out to others. So I built a wall around myself and never even gave myself a chance to become friends with others. Even after I became an idol the only thing that really changed was the outlook on myself. I had the confidence but the walls around me became impossible for anyone to get over. So I actually made it worse...I thought no one saw me...the real me. Even though all that time I had no idea who I was to begin with. And if things hadn't happened as they did...maybe no one ever would have."

"In my case, I simply didn't want anything to do with the people around me. The wall that I build up was to intentionally destroy relationships before they could ever start. I would never talk to anyone unless I had to and almost all other situations I would simply act cold, unfeeling which would create an unsociable air around me. As time went, people stopped attempting to talk to me at all," I sighed heavily. "The important thing to take here is that we shared a common emotion. I was the one who was the outsider looking in by choice. Kujikawa was the one surrounded by people but had also unintentionally isolated herself from those people."

"So this Shadow was feeding from both of you then and those similar emotions," Yosuke frowned. "So similar but at the same time incredibly different."

"Yes, it was because it was trying to feed from both of us that the Shadow was not stable at first. It was attracted to both of the strong emotions we were emitting because we were both close to falling into that same despair again. And I think it was mostly my fault for not explaining properly my own situation of my past," I looked away from the group. Instead focusing on a Mother and daughter who were buying something from one of the vendors. "After all, accepting your fears and conquering them are two entirely different things. In a last ditch effort the Shadow split itself as a means to focus their attention at only one of us at a time. One taking my form and the other the form of Kujikawa." I was hardly going to detail our encounter with them but...giving them a general idea was what I was going for.

"It was really different…there was just this dark fog surrounding them and the pale yellow eyes looked so lifeless. I think what they really wanted was to find some peace," Rise voice was soft but she was holding back what really happened in the actual conflict. However, I think I could agree that even if the Shadows were unaware...they were seeking solace. But it had also been a wakeup call to both Rise and I.

"If that is the case then what better people to do so then the ones that would truly understand them?" Yu spoke with a smile on his face.

"Still it was the first time something like this has ever happened," Yukiko brought attention to another issue that the whole situation had raised. Rise had said as much to me on our way back to the others.

"I think that even after you've gained a Persona your world is still heavily influenced by your state of mind and emotions," Teddie was the one to speak. "At least it feels that way to me."

"Well you would know best, it is the world you come from after all," Yosuke scratched the back of his head. "Does that mean if we go in the TV world with doubts or problems that something like that could happen again?"

"Considering all we have experienced in that world I think it is a definite possibility to consider," Naoto adjusted her hat while in thought. "Our state of minds should be considered when we enter the TV from now on. Which means if we have any concerns with each other we need to get them out in the open."

"I agree with Shirogane. Besides if we want to remain strong then we all need to be able to trust each other completely," Kanji finally spoke up.

"I don't think trust is the issue, Kanji-kun," Yu said looking at the members of the Investigation Team. "Even though all of us have seen each other's hidden emotions it doesn't mean that everything is out in the open, but it is up to all of us what we do in response to that. I'm not saying we need to reveal everything about ourselves...but if you have doubts or something that is weighing heavily on your mind...then you should feel open about it and talk about it."

"I see," I said as I got to my feet causing all the attention to come to me. I pulled out my cell phone and flipped it open. Despite how crazy this day had been it was just after five o'clock. I looked at all the others and finally resting my eyes on Rise only for a moment. "Everyone, please meet at my house at seven tonight. I'll treat you all to dinner and then after that…" I took a deep breath. "I have a long story I would like all of you to listen too. It's something I think all of you should know about me." I turned away from them and took a few steps away.

There were nods from all around the table.

"In that case I need to head home so I can make sure I can make it," Yukiko said getting to her feet along with Chie.

"Yeah me too," Chie added.

"Alright, we'll meet at Kayane-senpai's house at seven and continue our discussion then," Yu confirmed and then everyone began to leave.

"Are you sure about this, Senpai?" Rise asked me as she was suddenly at my side.

"Yeah, I think it will be better if everyone knows the whole story. And most of all, I think it will be better for me," I said. There was also a part of me that felt somehow...guilty for not being honest with them. If there was ever anyone in my life that deserved to know the truth...the complete truth about me...it was the group of individuals that made up the Investigation Team.

She nodded, "Alright, then I will be at your house in a bit after I tell grandma."

I raised an eyebrow at this, "In a bit?"

"Yeah," She smiled and held up her phone. "I'll text you when I'm on my way over. It won't be long."

Rise was then walking away and I merely shook my head for a moment and watched her leave. Do her hips always sway back and forth like that? Well I don't really like to stare at her but...okay that was probably a lie. I have just noticed more about her as of late. Forcing myself to look away, I turned and noticed that Yu and I seemed to be the only ones left. I could see a question plain on his face. "For the last time, Yu. I am totally fine."

"No, you're not," Yu replied curtly. "You have to tell her."

I instinctively knew what he was talking about, but I instantly wanted to deny it. But after what had happened today I knew that burying the emotion was what had got me into this mess to begin with. "Why do you think I want everyone over? She isn't the only one that should know. Am I that easy to read or something?"

"Maybe not, but unlike the others I know the signs. And so does Yukiko," Yu said simply. "You need to state the truth…all of it."

"I know that," I was a little angry but I couldn't blame Yu for stating the obvious that I was trying so desperately to avoid. I even had the chance to tell Rise part of the truth while we were alone...but I didn't. I needed to change that. "Okay, you win this time Narukami."

"You won't regret it, Kayane-senpai," Yu smiled. "If you want, I can come over and help with dinner preparations."

I smiled a bit, feeling things had finally lightened up a bit. "Alright, I heard you were quite capable in the kitchen."

"I know a few things," Yu grinned.


November 1st, 2011 / Evening

Kayane's House

"What is this? It is amazing," Yosuke said as he tore into the food. Most of them were equally as distracted by the food that I had prepared with the help of Yu.

"Well it is a western food. I think it is a type of casserole or something," I shrugged. "Anyway it is called beef bean burrito pie. My Mom has a few friends that have made it before. Some Americans I guess. I think it be more accurate to call it a Mexican casserole though." The food was pretty much what the name implied, refried beans, beef flavored with taco mix and then a layer of salsa. On top is naturally a layer of cheese. Maybe not the most elegant of meals but it was pretty amazing especially if you like Mexican food. And it wasn't like you had that very often in Japan. So I actually really enjoy it. Mostly because I liked spicy food...so naturally I had put hot sauce on mine, but I kept the main part of it pretty mild. Though Rise stole my hot sauce for herself at some point.

It seemed like the food was a big hit, although I had barely enough time to actually prepare the food. It was pretty close time wise but I managed to pull it off thanks to Yu. Rise showed up not too long after we had started to prepare it and kept wanting me to add certain spicier ingredients. Naturally I told her I couldn't because I was making it so everyone could actually eat it. So I didn't make the more spicy variety that I often did. And it seemed that was what Rise had been leaning towards. I was getting a feeling she wanted to try that version at some point.

"You are a really good cook, senpai," Kanji said as he put in another portion into his mouth.

"This is really something. I haven't ever had something like this," Naoto commented.

I just waved it off, "It is really easy to make, and just takes some time to prepare it before throwing in the oven."

"Hey, where is your Mom, Senpai?" Yukiko asked looking around.

"Oh she isn't here. She is having a meeting early in Tokyo tomorrow so she left earlier today. She's staying at some big hotel that the production company is putting her in," I explained simply enough. It was the first time my Mother had gone off to a meeting like this and I couldn't help but believe that it was about the subject she had brought up before. The CD project involving both Rise and I. Apparently my Mother had already brought up the idea with Rise. The two of us personally hadn't talked about it though. Maybe because the two of us were waiting for the other one to bring it up. Or my Mother to.

"So you're here all by yourself tonight," Yosuke said with a tone I was a little cautious about.

"Anyway, we don't have to worry about my Mom walking in on the conversation," I said ignoring his comment. "We should pick up where we were earlier today."

"Yes," Yu was the first one to speak up. "Well it's obvious now that there is more to worry about in the TV world even after we have gained our Persona. Dangers beyond the killer. If we have doubts or worries or problems amongst ourselves, then it is possible for them to manifest in that world."

"Our doubts…Like if our confidence starts to waver. If we start to second guess the very reason we got a Persona," Naoto put her fork down. "That world...how is it able to create what it does? Up until this point there were no significant changes to each dungeon. Except not only did a powerful shadow appear but it created a whole new area to accommodate the power and relation to the emotions it was trying to convey...or consume."

"A world that is constantly changing based on the people that are in it. It makes sense…it is a world created by the suppressed thoughts and feelings of the one that enters it, and those are things that change and evolve as time goes by. We can fight because we've accepted those thoughts and feelings and it is through that acceptance which gave us the power of Persona," I hope that I understood the whole process correctly. "Then again…problems never stop happening…there will always be new challenges to face. And our motivations for that acceptance can change."

"Yeah, that is why we need to be honest with each other. I'm not saying that we need to tell everybody everything about ourselves. However if there are ever any conflicts in the group they need to be addressed. Letting it sit may…" Yu stopped looking over to me.

"You can say it, Narukami. It was what led to what happened between Kujikawa and myself today. I wasn't able to be honest about my feelings and so it took a situation like that for me to tell her the truth," I sighed as I looked down at my arms. I grabbed my left wrist…it was the last place I had cut myself. Trying to explain this might be the hardest thing I had ever done. "And there is more I haven't told you guys. And the main reason I invited everyone over."

I got to my feet and grabbed the sleeve of my turtleneck shirt on my arm and pulled it back. The sight alone did not need any words to accompany it. The Investigation Team was silent but the looks on all their faces already gave the reaction I had expected. Scars covered my arm…many of them...all self inflicted. And a few of them in particular were recent additions. Yeah, I wasn't proud of it. Was I ashamed? Yeah, of course. Who wants to associate with someone who hurts themselves to feel better? That wasn't something that was easy to explain, it was even harder to try and understand. And all it would really sound like in the end was a justification of my actions. Almost as if on cue one of the more recent cuts had reopened and a very small trickle of blood appeared. This was relatively normal so I didn't really feel anything.

"Senpai!" Rise was on her feet with a napkin and came towards me. She slowed her actions and I merely looked away as she placed the napkin on her arm. The single question that was often the hardest to explain came from her. "Why?" she breathed.

"We talked about it before. The two of us dealt with it differently. This was how I made myself feel better," I kept my eyes downcast and away from the Investigation Team. All I really felt was shame.

"How does that make you feel better?" Rise's anger was so obvious in her voice. What exactly did I expect their reaction to be? Who could ever understand how something like that could feel good?

Unfortunately I rose to meet her anger with my own. "Use your imagination," my voice came out as a growl which had her shrinking back.

"Take it easy, Rise-chan," Yukiko had gotten up and was pulling Rise away and looking at the cut on my arm. She looked at it then up at me, "You did this recently."

"Yeah…well I don't deal with stress that well so…" I sighed heavily.

"Look before anyone says anything else I think you all need to hear the whole thing. That doesn't mean I condone what you do, Senpai," Yu said his gaze locking on to me.

Something about the way he said it rubbed me the wrong way. "Whatever, like I expected anyone to condone it," I was getting irritated. I felt like just kicking the whole lot of them out.

"Stop it, both of you. We didn't come here to let tempers flare," Yukiko said looking as if she was about to slap the pair of us.

"Yeah, but your all angry at me, right?" No one said to the contrary. "Let me ask all of you a question. Have you ever felt like you needed a release? Like everything was coming crashing around you and you had no escape? Of course you have! All of you have!" I looked at everyone. Rise was obviously angry at me now but I was beyond caring at this point. I knew it was a mistake to tell them. "You think I would have an outlet like my music or singing. Something I enjoy right?" I turned away from them and pulled down my sleeve again, covering the marks. "That never helped me. I just felt like something horrible was building inside of me and I literally just had to get it out. However my intentions used to be a lot worse than this originally. I tried repeatedly to commit suicide."

Those words brought an uncomfortable silence over the group. "Obviously I failed, and I don't feel that way anymore but, I could not forget the feeling of putting a blade against my skin. So I found myself doing it again and again. After a while it felt good. Something about putting a cool sharp blade on my skin just puts me at ease. Stupid right? A kid that was beaten and bloodied as a child finds comfort on self inflicted wounds. But when I cut…it's like I can finally feel relief...that all of it leaves along with the blood. And for a brief moment I can forget about everything else."

"You tried to commit suicide?" Chie asked and the obvious sadness that hung in the air.

"I didn't tell you all this so that you felt sorry for me," I growled. It didn't matter; it was obvious it was a mistake to inform them about me. I stormed out of the dining area and retreated back to my room. I had enough for one night.


A/N:

Oh boy...this Chapter was not initially this long, but a friend of mine insisted I add a bit more and a little bit from Rise's perspective. I also re-wrote a lot of the first part of this chapter as the original fight that had happened was pretty damn short and I never cared for something that happened so damn quickly. So I worked it differently and I think it is a lot better than it was originally. Events that happen here lead to Kayane coming to a clear decision. To tell them all more about certain destructive decisions he's made in the past.

I enjoy trying to tackle more mature and darker psychological aspects of reality in my writing. And with how Kayane's past is set up...there is a lot of different routes I could have gone with him. Suicide is a tough subject to talk about for a lot of reasons...but its something that I feel is often used as a clinch point to symbolize a 'dark' past. Here I think suicide was just a symptom indicating that Kayane has many other problems. His main problem here is cutting, a form of self mutilation as a means of relief to a psychological problem. He comments that he tried to commit suicide repeatedly, but in actuality he only legitimately tried to kill himself once. After that it was more of a start to his addiction to cutting. Later on he even admits he didn't really try to commit suicide after the one main and true attempt to end his own life.

Cutting in itself is probably harder to understand than suicide. Because most people can't imagine hurting themselves in that manner or could hardly phantom how it could feel good. The nature of cutting is incredibly psychological in nature. The mind believes that there is something bad, or something building in their blood, and that the only way to get out of it is by letting it out. Often people that cut imagine the stress and problems leaving their bodies as they do this. They become addicted to the feeling that comes from that...a feeling of release and relief. It's incredibly rare for a cutter to be addicted to the act itself, it is usually the after effect that draws them to do it again.

But with all psychological problems...it is different for every individual. No two reasons are ever exactly the same, and most what is known or speculated about is based on a general consensus of many different cases. Nothing is concrete and there is never one fix all answer when it comes to problems of the mind. Some it is a chemical imbalance of the brain, with having too much or too little of something (such as serotonin for example). A lot of times it has nothing to do with it, but just memories our mind can't let go of. Unfortunately our brain in particular engraves memories of traumatic events more easily than it does of our happy ones. Granted this is actually a defense mechanism to ensure we don't fall prey to the same thing again...it also makes it harder to live with it always so easily recalled to the front of the mind. That is Kayane's main problem here. Which I think has been made pretty evident with everything that has happened thus far.

Kayane needs to learn that instead of trying to forget it...which he will never be able to do. He needs to accept and try to move on with that knowledge in his mind. So telling the Investigation Team about something that is hard to talk to anyone about is a good step to take. But confessing thoughts of suicide and self mutilation, regardless of why is incredibly hard. People are judgmental, the moment you say it opinions about you can shift. It's human nature to judge everything around you...but its about what you do after that...that is what makes a difference to people. Kayane saw their initial reactions and fled. He does it before anyone on the Investigation Team has any time to digest the new information.

It's hard to hear someone you know and respect not value their life. But if they are telling you about it...then it is usually never about sympathy or pity (emphasis on usually). When people finally admit what they've done it means their finally ready for help. But this step is also the hardest.

Anyway, enough of my rambles. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, things are going to get a little crazy in the chapters to come, so I hope your all ready. As always feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think, what you like or what you don't like. I'll see you next week with the next chapter.