Chapter 11 / Confront

Date Unknown

It was never about me. After all, my life consisted of trying to survive the next night and the continued beatings from my Uncle. Even though he did such horrible things to me I could never come to hate the man. Why? I think it's because I feel sorry for him, and maybe in some way I deserve what is happening to me. I have no idea as to why my Parents aren't here, but maybe I was the cause for that. I will probably never know. I wonder if it is something that I should even care to know. It isn't like knowing the truth would change anything that is happening now.

"Kayane, what are you doing?" an impatient girl was standing in front of me. I was sitting in a swing but not moving at all either way. She knew me more than well enough to understand why I was here.

"Nothing," I said looking up to see Miyuki. "Just counting down the minutes until I have to get home and face my Uncle. It's Friday…and you know how that always turns out. Usually drunk or getting drunk and well you know the rest." Hardly information she didn't know. Thinking about it made me uneasy and shaky...but I couldn't avoid it...I had no choice but to go home...or it would only be worse. No one should ever talk lightly about being beat by their Uncle…or any adult. Yet I did so frequently with Miyuki, and every time she would always frown. However, it was a fact that something neither of us could change.

"I hate Fridays," Miyuki said as she strolled over and sat in the swing next to mine. "Mom won't be home till tomorrow." Her voice dropped saying that. So tonight wasn't good for either of us. And yet both of us were unsure of what we could do to stop it. Unfortunately my Uncle was a very influential man and running to the police would not work. Miyuki's Father was actually a detective and…well everyone believed he was an honorable man, a good man who stood for justice. Who would believe Miyuki or me about either of our situations? We were kids...and those men were adults with good reputations...who would believe they ever were capable of hurting anyone...much less the children they are supposed to be taking care of and protecting. No...in order for people to see it, something drastic would have to occur, that was what we had decided. Exactly what that drastic measure would be...we weren't sure. We were kids...what could we do when we couldn't fight back against what they already did to us.

"Why us, Miyu-chan?" I muttered. A question that often lingered in my head every day.

"Don't worry, Kay-chan. It won't stay like this forever," she spoke softly which caught my attention. And simultaneously pulled me out of my downward spiral of thoughts.

"You're not planning something without me, are you?" I looked over to her. Something about the way she said that had alarms going off in my head.

"No, I didn't plan anything at all," Miyuki quickly said and looked away from me.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Miyu-chan," I suddenly said. I knew, without a doubt, that Miyuki did have something planned. And whatever it was, I wasn't going to be included. So that was why I went the other route. I didn't want to lose her. She was the one thing that I had in this world. The only thing I felt even made it worth bothering dealing with everything. I'm such a coward...if I was stronger...I could protect her. And yet she...

"I would do anything for you, Kay-chan. Don't worry, everything will work out. I promise."


Date Unknown

RISE'S POINT OF VIEW

I did it! This time for sure! I definitely got one of the best scores in my class and I'm sure I'll impress everyone. I got one of the highest score...I have got to have gotten a better score than Koyoko-san. I mean it was a silly way to get attention if you think about it...but Koyoko-san always gets asked to help others study and if I get the top score then...then I know people will ask me. Then after that I could definitely make friends.

The teachers passed, posting the results of the test on the board. I could hardly wait to see. As I got close...i felt all my enthusiasm disappear. Clear as day...on the top of that list remained, Tsuguru Koyoko-san. I had gotten 2nd...five points behind her. All my strength seemed to be sapped away as I turned away from the growing presence of students. I found myself walking, but I wasn't watching where I was going.

"What's this...my favorite niece got 2nd place in her exams? Not bad."

I was stopped by the sound of a familiar voice. I turned to see my Uncle, Kujikawa Hideo. "Uncle Hideo!" I found myself smiling and jumped at him. He easily scooped me up into his arms.

"So now your not just the cutest but the smartest," he chuckled.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were coming to get me after school?" I asked. I was certainly happy...was better than thinking about the fact that I had failed in my plan. Nothing was going to change if I didn't do something more...something grand. I needed to do something that would get all of their attentions...where they would have no choice but to look at me. To acknowledge me.

"Oh? But were on a time schedule you know. Remember that Idol tryout form we did a month ago?" my Uncle said, which I had completely forgotten about. My expression must have told him everything he needed to know. "You silly girl. Today is the official tryout. You passed the initial screening, now we see if we can make it past the next round."

"Wait...what? I passed?" I blinked not really sure I could believe it. My Uncle put me back down on my feet and then I just looked up at him...had he really said what I thought he did.

"Surprised? You should be more confident in yourself. You have everything you need," he knelt down next to me. "All you need is right here, in your heart." He poked my chest. "You know that."

"But what if...what if in the end...it isn't enough?" I found myself asking. I hadn't realized I even wanted to ask something like that.

He chuckled a bit once more, "That's the trick, silly girl. It never feels like what we do is enough. Believe me, I never felt like what I did for your Aunt Mariko was ever enough. But hey, we still managed to get married." His eyes shifted a bit, I wasn't sure I quite understood what he meant. "Don't worry, Rise-chan. One day it will all make sense, just know that it will never be easy. Life never is. But as long as you do your best and keep moving towards your own goals...you'll find something that you didn't even know you wanted...or needed."

"You're weird, Uncle," I settled on, as I didn't really know about anything he was talking about.

Laughing he picked me up, "Either way, I'm gonna help you take that first step. But after that, its going to be all up to you, got it?"

If there was one person in the world I wanted to impress...that I wanted to respect me it was Uncle Hideo. And if he said this was a good place to start and that it would help me...then I was going to do my best. "Okay, Uncle...I will do my best!"

"I'm sure you will, Rise-chan," he smiled as he led the two of us out of the school. And soon to head out to the 2nd screening of my way of becoming an Idol. "It's a great day. You got 2nd in your exam scores and you are on your 2nd part of becoming an Idol. Its definitely been a good day. How about we get ice cream after all this over?"


November 1st, 2011 / Late Evening

Kayane's House

My eyes opened, and I hadn't even realized that I had ever closed them. I sat up on my bed and looked around the dark room. I had been using a futon for most of my life until a while ago where my adopted Mother noticed I hadn't been sleeping well. So she bought a full size bed in hopes that it would help. I couldn't speak to if it had been effective either way. But...why had I come back into my room anyway? Oh right, I had told the Investigation Team the truth. That I had tried to commit suicide after Miyuki had died. And even though after I had stopped trying to kill myself, I had continued to cut myself. I was sick...I knew that, I didn't need anyone else to know how screwed up I was.

I shouldn't have been surprised. It was hard to explain how cutting could ever be appealing. Even explaining it as much as you can will still give you a measure of negative looks and judgments. I thought I had been ready for those looks that they gave me. Apparently I had been wrong. Maybe I wasn't ready to share who I was and the past I had. Or maybe...it was just going to be harder than I had imagined.

I had dreamed very shortly in my nap. Looking over at my phone, I quickly checked what time it was. I had only really slept for about twenty minutes. Apparently more than enough time for me to dream. Miyuki…it was not uncommon for me to dream about her. As a matter of fact I almost always dreamed about her. Some of the dreams were much better than others. But the one I had on this occasion was the most common. The events that had occurred before she died. A part of me wanted to believe there was something more to what had happened. Miyuki had saved me but I had been unable to do anything for her. In the end Miyuki had been the more mature one. I guess it shouldn't be surprising she was a few years older than me but…she shouldn't have had to shoulder it all on her own. But I had been too young to really realize what she had planned to do.

Her dying hadn't been part of her plan. However, it was her death that had been what put both her Father and my Uncle behind bars. It acted as a catalyst that gave the police a reason to look deeper and were more likely to investigate all aspects surrounding her death. They found that her Father had been more than guilty, but guilty of many other crimes. Things had been a mess at the time. I had been so focused grieving for Miyuki that I really didn't remember much. I know I had been shoved between different hospitals getting expert opinions about the bruises and my physical condition as a lawyer built a case against my Uncle. That was the time that Miyuki's Mother began to rally for guardianship over me. After all, I had no living relatives other than my Uncle. She essentially had no one to fight against it. The only condition was that she find a way to work and be home to be an appropriate guardian for me. I don't know how hard it had been for Mom...she had to negotiate with her work...my guardianship...Miyuki's funeral...and the charges against her husband. And on top of all of that...her divorce from that man who had killed her daughter.

It must have been months before Mom was able to sit down and relax. And me...I just drifted along...unfeeling and just doing as I was told...barely living at all. In the end...both of us had been broken because of what happened. Honestly...all of this was stuff I didn't care to think about.

I stood up and approached the door to my room. I didn't know if the others were still here or not. Either way...I couldn't just hide in my room for the rest of the night. I slipped out into the hallway and walked down towards the hall. I heard voices…they were all still here. And still discussing the topic that I had started.

"I…I want to apologize. I didn't mean to…" Chie was speaking. "I just didn't know what to say and I just spoke without thinking."

"I think he knows that, Satonaka. It was really hard for him to say that. Most likely I don't think he realized how hard it would actually be," It was Yu speaking now. His words unfortunately rang true with me. I didn't really understand what it meant to tell them about my past. To tell them all of it. However, I could no longer take those words back. It was now out in the open for all of them.

"He's been back there for an hour now," Yukiko spoke next.

"Just give him some time," Yu said.

"I could never imagine killing myself. But I didn't have a childhood like Senpai. He didn't know his parents and his whole world revolved being beaten by his Uncle and then the only good thing in his life. If he didn't have Miyuki-san…" Yosuke was obviously torn. "I wish I could understand it."

"He was beaten so often that he developed an aversion to physical contact. Then the one person that he felt he could value above all others, died to protect him. I can understand the motivation. Even after being taken away from his abusive Uncle…things didn't really get better. If anything things just stopped for him," Yukiko spoke softly.

"The reason it is so shocking for us towards this subject is pretty simple," Yu gave a look to everyone sitting around the table. "None of us know what it is like to be physically abused. Bullied, I think we all understand. But that kind of abuse is something completely different. It isn't just physical, but leaves long lasting mental scars that you can't just look at or heal with a band-aid. And because of the nature of the wounds he has...it is hard for us to wrap our minds that someone could do that to the child they are supposed to be caring for. But it happened, and to our Senpai no less."

"He didn't tell us so we could feel sorry for him," It was Rise talking. She hadn't spoken in quite some time; at least that I could tell. "He wanted us to understand him, to know the severity of the things he had experienced in his life. He…is trying so hard to move past all of that. Yet I…The way I reacted it was…"

"Relax, Rise-san. You didn't know at the time," Yu was quick to comfort.

"Shut up! He reached out to me and I hesitated. I faltered when he needed me. All because I was scared and all that time it had to be even worse for him. He's spent years keeping his distance from everyone, and when he finally managed to take the first step forward, I moved away from him," Rise was in tears. I couldn't believe what I was hearing now. "I failed him."

"Rise-chan, it's hard for both of you. And a relationship involves making a lot of mistakes," This was Yukiko making the interjection this time. I was more confused on what she was implying exactly. While Rise and I certainly were closer than I was with everyone else, it wasn't officially anything at the moment.

"But I knew better. I should have…" Rise said.

"But you didn't," Yu suddenly said with an edge of anger to it. His change in tone from just a moment ago brought the room to complete silence. "So what, you are going to stand here and feel sorry for yourself? Exactly what do you think you'll accomplish?"

I couldn't hear a response and the room continued to be silent. Yu's change in demeanor meant only one thing to me. He felt that it was the best way to get his message across to Rise. And what was I doing? I had run away from the confrontation myself, but there was a limit to what I could handle. It always took me longer to adjust to new situations. I couldn't help it…my mind would just shut down and regardless I could do nothing to stop myself from breaking down. Anxiety attacks were not something one could just shrug off or even prevent. I believe I explained it before. But I don't really think that it is common knowledge that anxiety attacks aren't really caused by any one thing. Sure certain things can have the ability to cause anxiety attacks, but that isn't true in all cases. Sometimes there is no seeable reason. It could be about something that happened days ago and your mind is now seeing fit to deal with it. I wonder if I would ever truly get over it.

"I know what you are saying, Senpai. But it doesn't change the truth over what happened," Rise was the one to speak, clearly after giving herself time to gather her thoughts. "If we can't overcome this, then something similar might happen again. Except next time it could happen while we are trying to rescue someone…"

"You're right and I believe that was part of Senpai's intention here. He is still relatively new to all of us so we don't know him that well. So he decided to take a chance and trust us with a part of himself that he doesn't share with anyone," Yu said, and the silence of the room made me feel like they were lingering on that thought a bit too long. It was true though, I felt that if we wanted to avoid problems inside the TV then it all needed to be in the open. If we want to remain effective as a team. But from the sounds of it…he was the one on the outside, and he needed to find a way to know the truth.

I should have gone out and joined them...but my mind was unsure of how to handle what I had heard. Instead I turned down the hall and quietly made my way to the music room. I left the door open as I moved to the piano. They would hear this...but I didn't care. If I found it hard to express myself with words...then music was simply another route to express myself. I let my hands run softly over the keys, feeling the familiar coolness that was associated when I first touched the piano. My hands rested in their usual spot and then began playing.

The song started softly, and slowly built up until the melody began and became louder. The sound would easily reach the others. But when I began to play I could not stop my voice from singing.

"Night has fallen across the sky
And I've left myself in pieces once again
Death is falling across the sky
And there is no putting me back together again

Under a solitary light
Where the real world has no place
You silently plead for me to fight
But there is no longer a purpose to this plight

So before my final breath
I will extinguish all that is my life
Don't let me fall

Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?

Don't let me fall
Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?

A shadow has fallen across the sky
And I'm nothing more than a hollow mess
The reaper slowly falls across the sky
His course is set to take me to emptiness

The last ray of light
It's my world's last refuge
You stand there only smiling
But are you really there?
Before I take my last breath
I ask you listen to my last selfish request

Don't let me fall
Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?

Don't let me fall

There is no second chance
If you take this moment
I will love you

From here on, and forever more"

It was a song they had all heard before...it was a song I had wrote one day...after hearing a song...a song sung by Kujikawa Rise. As I played the end of the song I didn't have to look to know that the Investigation Team was in the room.

"This song has a lot more to it you know. There is a reason I wrote it...and a message buried deep within its words. You all know now...right? Exactly what this song is talking about," I said glancing at them as they stood there...Rise being the closest to me.

"It's about your suicide attempt...and thinking you found someone...no...not someone...but a reason to keep moving and..." Rise hadn't been looking at me...but as a realization crossed her...those eyes connected with mine. "Music. It isn't about a person...it's about music."

I couldn't help but chuckle, "That's right. Well...half right...there was still someone responsible for what inspired me. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I wrote this song in hopes that I could remember to keep moving...because I felt if I let myself fall into that despair again...I would not live through it. You see because after I attempted suicide...I was faced with my Mom. My idiotic self who had isolated himself for so long failed to notice just how much my Mother, Tsukio Nanase cared about me. Loved me more than I had ever cared to see. So on some small scale...I knew I had to find a way to keep living...even if it was through lying to the the only person that continued to look after and care about my stupid ass."

I turned back to the piano and ran my hand along the keys, "Of all the horrible things my Uncle had done to me...he had still paid and allowed me to learn the piano. Strangely enough he never had a bad thing to say about me playing it. And honestly...after Miyuki died...I had not touched the piano in a long time. Until I moved here...to Inaba. Mom had her studio built here so she could work from home. As part of her taking Guardianship over me she had to be available to be that Guardian or the courts would have never allowed it. Some time after it was finished constructed...I found myself coming in here...and one day when I thought my Mom wasn't around...I sat down at this very piano and played. I guess it was very similar to what just happened. She came rushing in here and I would never forget the look on her face when I saw her. It was the first time I had seen her smile...not since the days where she would take Miyuki and I out when she was in town."

"Does it make sense now? Music was the one thing that kept me moving, but at the same time...it is ultimately tied to my past and what happened to me. The piano is both a comfort...and a reminder of what I experienced and loss. But it is also a source of strength that has saved me from some of my most idiotic decisions. It continues to do so even now," I wasn't about to confess just how much Kujikawa and her her voice and music had greatly affected me. But even that thought was likely hanging in the air. "I'll go back to my point from before I retreated to my room. People knew that I was adopted and that I was abused as a child, I mean I had been all over the news when I was a kid. So I was usually stuck between being bullied or pitied. As if no matter how much time that went by I would never be capable to move past it. In the end I was merely constantly reminded of my past regardless of how I tried to find solace," I let out a long sigh and looked over at Rise. She locked eyes with me before moving to my side.

"What happened, Kayane-senpai? Why would you consider taking your own life? Did things really get that bad for you?" Rise asked softly from next to me.

As I look at everyone in front of me as I sat at the piano I got to my feet. I can already tell that everyone wanted to know, I couldn't help but sigh once more. I just needed to be brutally honest with how I truly felt. So I started off with a blunt truth. "I hate people," my opening statement immediately drew a reaction. "No one gives a damn what has happened to you in the past. Most just want to twist the knife and reopen old wounds just to see you react. But mostly, nobody cares. And who the hell was I to judge anyone? After all I was already worthless. That was all I had ever been told I was in my life. It was Miyuki that changed that. She was the one that made me feel like I actually deserved more than what I had. Like there was a reason why I was alive other than to be used by the adults in my life. And when Miyuki was gone and my life changed so rapidly. Things didn't get better. Not for quite a long time."

The way I phrased it might have been eye opening to the Investigation Team, but I didn't really know. In my eyes I was putting it rather lightly. "Therapy was deemed required for me by the courts, as a means to talk about the abuse I had gotten over the years. So I was put in a room with a man I didn't know who tried to act like my friend so I would open up and tell him about the horrible times when my Uncle would beat me. Talking about it only served to draw it back to the surface. My Uncle may be behind bars but my body remembers it. I talked the minimum amount and for the most part I just said what they wanted to hear so they would deem me well enough so I wouldn't have to go anymore. And the therapist was glad to be rid of me, but nothing had changed."

"Life moved forward…regardless of what we want it will never stop. We moved out here to Inaba and I started to go to school. I was out casted in the first week of school. It was mostly my own fault. People tried to talk with me but I mostly just ignored people. So I was a loner and I preferred it that way. It left me alone with my thoughts. And that was probably the worst thing I could do to myself."


Date Unknown

It was cold. Honestly, I shouldn't be surprise it was the middle of the winter season after all. Still I pulled my jacket in closer as I realized I should have worn at least another layer of clothing. I still had no idea why I was even here. Well other than the fact that it was a class trip.

"Alright everyone hurry up and head inside," Soufe-sensei my homeroom teacher was the one ushering us into our destination. I followed my classmates and looked away when my Sensei offered a smile. If I had my way I wouldn't have come out to this trip in the first place. But my Mom would never let me skip something. Well, for the most part I just didn't want to worry her that I just didn't care for class.

"Sensei, why are we even here?" one of the girls asked. I think her name was Akasha or something like that.

"Do you all understand the importance of this place?" Sensei said as she moved to the front. Nobody said anything but I knew what it was. This place was one of the few remaining shrines to Amaterasu, the goddess of the sun. I should have seen it coming since our class had been studying mythology.

I took a few steps towards the far side of the room which was a lot darker by comparison to the rest of the room. There was a smaller statue here, one that was rarely ever talked about. But it was Tsukiyomi the God of the moon and night. According to legend he was originally Amaterasu's husband until he killed Ogetsuno after which the two rarely saw each other. It was how they explained the sun and the moons relation to each other.

I could never imagine what it would have felt like for Tsukiyomi to be separated from the realm of the sun. Actually on second thought I think I might understand it. But my story was different. Miyuki had been my sun, and she was the one that had saved me. Risking everything in order to save me…and in the end she really did. She died at the hands of her own father. So now what was I doing? I was now the adopted son of Miyuki's Mother, but life hadn't changed.

Why did I even try? What was even the point? Why? Why did she have to die to save my life? Nobody around would care if I disappeared. I looked back at the class and saw that everyone was engaged with whatever the lecture was. Most likely about Amaterasu and the shrine. Supposedly around here was the place where Amaterasu had once been. I glanced over at the Tsukiyomi statue…everyone always loved the sun, but the moon was always forgotten. Pushed aside and never given a second chance. I had a second chance to live…but it was pointless.

To prove a point I slipped out the front door and out into the snow covered grounds and no one really noticed. I walked around the building and towards a line of trees. I followed a path that went through the trees and eventually led to the top of a hill that looked out over a valley. I couldn't remember exactly where we were, but it was a bit away from Inaba. It was cold…and the scenery was nothing but white.

"I could easily disappear out here," the words come from my mouth without much thought. And why not? I am sure that not a single person would care. I looked down at my hands and pulled out a small blade from my pocket. I had it on me for a long time now, and I had always considered on stopping it all. Then I wouldn't have to feel anything at all. I wouldn't have to deal with this. I could find true solitude away from not only others…but myself.

A drop of red stained the ground. For some reason it wasn't painful, and the cold wasn't as discomforting as it had been earlier. More drops fell to the ground, one after the other flowing faster moment after moment. It felt so liberating, as if my thoughts were slowly leaving me through the cut on my wrist. My strength wavered and I fell forward into the snow. I couldn't really feel anything at this point in time. It felt so good…to finally be relieved of everything. Soon I wouldn't have to think at all. Soon it would finally be over…


November 1st, 2011 / Late Evening
Kayane's House

"Obviously I had been wrong…someone did notice that I was gone. Because of that I was found and they were able to get medical attention in plenty of time to save my life. To be honest I don't really remember what happened. But after that, things changed a bit in class." I looked one of the studio windows that looked out to the front of the house. "Any bullying that happened before just stopped, and no one really bothered me. Some of them even tried to talk to me, but I never really said anything back to them."

"I imagine no one really knew that you had any thoughts like that till that moment. You must have given them a major shock," Yu said softly, and the others seemed to be unable to add their own thoughts.

"Well, yeah I did. But there was a part of that experience I couldn't forget. I never tried to commit suicide again but…I became addicted to cutting as a form of release. I know it is hard to believe, or accept but it is the truth. I'm not sure I can explain why or how doing something as cutting yourself could ever feel good. But my life was filled with pain…and instead of being repulsed by it, I was comforted by it," I shook my head and looked back at the Investigation Team. "With that, you guys know all about me. And before you ask, I have cut myself recently...the morning before our performance. It does take time for the wounds to heal…and they reopen from time to time. And wearing long sleeve shirts is two-fold...as it hides my bruises and scars from when I was beat as a child...and the ones I impose on myself when I was older."

"Did you really believe no one cared for you? That no one would miss you?" Rise stepped right up to me a mixture of anger and disappointment in her eyes. "After what she did to save you, how could you just give up?"

"You think I don't know that?" I said, anger seething in my words. "You don't think that I haven't thought about that every God damn day?" In my frustration I felt tears running down my face. "I hate myself…I hate how I've lived my life, how I wasted the time I was given. Every day I've lived is because of her! And I spent it wallowing in my own misery like a spoiled brat who can't get his way! And even right now…I can't…I can't even be with you guys without causing all of you problems. I don't deserve it…I don't deserve any of it. I…I don't…"

Then with no warning what so ever, Rise gently pulled me to her and put her lips against mine. I quickly stumbled back not even realizing when she had closed the gap between us but Rise had a death grip on the front of my clothes. I couldn't see her eyes, she was avoiding it by having her head now buried against my chest.

"Shut up, don't you dare think like that. Do you understand? Don't you get it? You have all of us now…you aren't alone. And no matter what you think, you do deserve it. You deserve so much more, Senpai. You shouldn't be suffering. You deserve to be happy. Does it even matter that we are here for you? That I am here for you?" Rise spoke softly but because of how close she was I didn't have any problems hearing her words as she sobbed against me. My own tears had stopped and I hadn't even realized what my real problem was.

I closed my eyes for a moment and suddenly felt lighter as the realization spread through my body, and because of it I knew what this was all about. Maybe on some level this was what I also had wanted. I opened my eyes slowly and looked over to Yu. "This was it huh? What you really wanted me to say to all of you?"

He shook his head, "No, I simply wanted you to be honest with yourself. I had no idea how hard it would be for you or Rise-san. I'm truly sorry." Yu said and bowed in front of me.

"You truly are a dangerous man, Narukami Yu," I shook my head. "But you weren't wrong. There was much more wrong with me than what my Shadow had eluded to. It was only a single aspect of my life. And yeah, I know. I know that all of you are here for me. You guys have been supportive ever since you rescued me. Especially you, Kujikawa. Thank you."

Rise looked up at me, "You won't do it anymore, right? Never again."

I knew precisely what she was talking about. Either suicide or cutting myself…she wanted to know that I wouldn't do that. I wanted to change, I was pretty sure I had proven that, but it wouldn't be so easy to stop…I had been okay so far. I never even thought of it when I was with them. Maybe that was proof enough. "No, I won't. Never again…okay?"

Everyone in the group smiled. I'm not sure how this night had come to this…but maybe in some small way…things would really start to get better. Then again…there was only one way I wanted to go now…and that was with my group of new friends.


November 1st, 2011 / Late Evening

Kayane's House

RISE'S POINT OF VIEW

People were beginning to leave now, and I was being obstinate and refusing to go until I was the last one here. Plus Kayane's Mom was out of town. And more than likely it was related to the subject of Kayane and I starting a career together. Well maybe...or it was just my self important pride thinking that. All I could think about lately was a combination of the reasons why I had become an idol and what I would do for my future. I was unable to ever really come to a definite decision though because of a very key piece that was an unknown variable. And I wasn't speaking of the Investigation Team and the murder case. It was the thought of where Ikakure Kayane would fit in to that future. If I committed to this new path with him...would I do it if I didn't have a real future with him? It sounded so silly to say in my head. How could I say that when I wasn't sure anything could ever happen between us?

Then there was the other thing that had happened tonight. I had kissed him. I couldn't help it because I wasn't sure exactly what I should have done. Hearing him play and sing once more had already triggered a lot of thoughts in my head. I hadn't heard him sing since the culture festival...and damn did I not like that fact. Spending so much time with him rehearsing leading up to the Festival had been a double edge sword. Things had changed since the beginning...specifically the way I looked at Kayane. My original intention had been to make him comfortable and help ease him into to the group. The more I learned about him...the more my feelings evolved...until...it changed completely.

I had been more than aware of my attraction to him for a while. However, for weeks I had only passed it off as just my initial reaction to him because of the fact that he just had a lot of qualities I found attractive. He was older, intelligent and more than that, he approached social situations in a composed and thoughtful manner. At least when it wasn't triggering his anxiety issues. When he was thinking...what I could see him as he brought his thoughts together...something about how he approached things was different and...well...sexy. Well it helped that he had a baritone voice with a pretty wide range. It was rare for a baritone to have the kind of range that he did. But it came through in his singing when he hit higher notes that most baritones would have to drop an octave in order to hit. He did so effortlessly. Or it seemed to be without effort.

His talents were definitely a factor in my attraction to him, but was not the sole reason for it. His past was a tragic one...many aspects were things I could hardly begin to relate to. Kayane had never known his parents, I don't know why either...only that his parents had died. There was no explanation from him as to any details on that...and probably unimportant because it had happened before Kayane could even crawl. His Uncle had been his sole living relative. This meant that his Grandparents from his Father and Mother's side were also dead or were not aware of Kayane. So there was just zero extended family beyond his Uncle. His Uncle had also never married so there was nothing there either. Tsukio Nanase had always been a Mother figure to him even when Miyuki was still alive, as when Nanase wasn't out of town on business she often took the pair of Kayane and Miyuki to do things that most normal families would do. Things had been hard for him...not just because of his situation but because of his mental state and what he experienced.

I remembered his Shadow saying that he had actually seen Miyuki being sexually assaulted by her Father. A part of him also wasn't entirely understanding exactly what he was seeing...he simply knew that Miyuki didn't like it, and that her Father was 'bad'. If I had to guess...there were certain images he couldn't get out of his head. This is why I knew that I needed to stop and think more about how I interacted with him. And not let my gut reactions take over like I usually did. Except...I had kissed him...

Yeah, it was mostly for the shock so he would just stop. I couldn't stand how low his opinion was of himself. He didn't realize how strong he actually was, and how much he mattered to the people around him. More than he realized. He had admitted before that his suicide attempt had been a wake up call...not a complete one, but had shown him how much his Mom, Tsukio Nanase, cared about him. Yet...he was still falling to bad habits. I couldn't stop thinking about when he could have cut himself before our performance...the only thing that made sense is that he had done so before he had left his house that morning. He had only briefly showed his arms before covering them again...I wanted to see it...all of it.

My attraction to him had surpassed just a passing emotion at this point. I was getting to know him more and more...and even though there was so much I didn't know about him...I felt like I had learned more than he ever showed to anyone. The moments we shared together since we first met...it had to mean something to him. But I also needed to be aware that he would be resistant to the idea of us. 'Us' I doubt it was even a possibility in his mind. He wouldn't allow himself to be that close...not to anyone.

"Well Yukiko and I are gonna get going," It was Yu-senpai that broke my thoughts as they were both getting up.

"Yes, it is getting late. Um...Thank you, Ikakure-senpai for sharing with us. I know it wasn't easy," Yukiko gave Kayane a bow.

"Has to start somewhere," Kayane waved it off as he started to lead them to the front door.

"See you guys tomorrow!" I said in my usual cheerful manner. After a moment I got up and headed down the hall of the house and into the bathroom and took a minute to search and find the first-aid kit from under the sink. The whole night the image of blood on his arm had never left me. And I wanted to make it clear to him in some way that...his health and state of being was important to me. And with everyone gone...it left the two of us alone. Something that hadn't happened since before the end of the festival. When I exited the bathroom, Kayane was there coming down the hall. He immediately eyed the first-aid kit in my hands.

"Kujikawa...its getting late and I think..."

I turned away from him, "Come on, we're going to your room, Senpai." I walked down the hall passing the guest room and then going straight into Kayane's room without asking or anything. I knew he was going to resist me, but this was something I wasn't going to let go. I moved to the small circular table in the middle of the room and knelt down to it as I opened the first-aid kit again.

"You don't need to worry about my arm...it'll be..."

"Yes, I do. Because if I don't do something it is the only thing I will be able to think about and won't be able to sleep as a result," I looked at him as he stood in the doorway of the room. "Just humor me, okay? Just sit on your bed, and take your shirt off so I can bandage it properly."

Our eyes connected and we just stayed there for a long time. I wasn't about to break it off...as if I would somehow be losing if I did so. He finally did and sighed heavily, "You aren't going to go home until you do. You're incredibly stubborn." He finally came into the room and crossed over to his bed that was next to me. He took off his school jacket and shirt of the uniform, only leaving his black turtleneck shirt to take off. He stopped and was now looking at me once more. Then after a moment he sighed and pulled the turtleneck off. I could imagine he was not wanting me to see him like this.

Taking in his bare chest and arms, I found myself holding my breath. I had expected scars. But even if I knew that, it still didn't take away seeing them. Some were hard to see...others more pronounced. What struck me more was how broad his shoulders were and also his muscles. Wordlessly I moved closer to him and took his arm into my hands and slowly turned it around. His arm alone was covered in dozens of scars...self-inflicted. Because of this I could tell that much of his arm never had time to recover properly. It would take quite a bit of time for it to not be damaged. His arm shook a bit from my touch but he wasn't pulling away. First, I needed to clean his arm up...disinfectant and then some ointment to help his skin recover would do some good. And then from there I could wrap it up with gauze and bandage...it would be easy for him to hide in his turtleneck shirt.

"Why, Kujikawa?" his voice was soft. A part of me was irritated that he would feel the need to ask this question but...I instead took a deep breath and kept focused on cleaning his arm.

"Is it really so hard to believe that I would care about you?" I whispered. "Every part of me just wants to yell at you every time you put yourself down...when you dismiss what is happening right in front of you. Maybe its because you don't trust me, or the others. Or maybe its because your just afraid what could happen to you. I didn't want to say anything in front of the others...but even if you can't trust anyone else. I want you to try trusting me."

"Letting you do this requires a bit of trust, doesn't it?" he countered. He was right.

"Yes, but this is also something you revealed to everyone tonight. Me being here and you letting me do this is just your way of expediting the process of getting me to leave your place, right?" I had realized over time that Kayane often chose the path of least resistance. That he always took the line that got him out of situations he didn't like the fastest. "You can't wait to get rid of me, can you?"

"I just don't know how to handle you," he said, but didn't elaborate. It hurt a little bit...I wanted him to say that he wasn't trying to get rid of me...but he wasn't denying it. Had I crossed the line when I kissed him? Had I gone too far and put him beyond my reach? I kept my eyes on his arm...doing my best to pretend his words hadn't affected me.

"I see," I heard my own voice break a bit.

"Look...Kujikawa, I'm trying. But I don't know how to keep moving. I get confused because I have no experience in this. I never had any friends...nothing that meant anything anyway. I'm not...I'm not trying to get rid of you," his voice was soft and somewhat shaky...was this hard for him to say? "Why...Why did you kiss me?"

The moment he said this my heart rate immediately doubled in speed and my hands stopped working on his arm. I was finished cleaning, all that was left was putting on the ointment and then the gauze and wrapping it. "You didn't like it?" I avoided answering...I thought it would be obvious why I did it.

"I...don't know," his voice sounded just as unsure as his answer.

My heart was already going a mile a minute with him just mentioning it...and I couldn't stop myself from saying something related. "I could do it again."

"Kujikawa...I don't..."

"On second thought maybe it can wait until you call me by my first name," I said quickly as I quickly finished applying the ointment on his arm and opening a package of gauze. My interruption had stopped whatever he was going to say. "I say that but I would willingly kiss you again. You already know why I did it though. You were putting yourself down...and even if you don't care for yourself...I do. I really care about you. I don't just kiss anyone you know." My face had to be beat red at this point.

"I...I see," he said simply. I guess he wasn't sure what to say. I now had finished with the gauze and moved to wrapping his arm, after only a few more minutes I had finished, cutting the bandage and securing it.

"Don't take this off. I'll be here tomorrow...and the day after and I'll do this until I feel you don't need it," I said looking up at him...my eyes drawn to his bare chest before looking into his eyes. "You got it? Every day."

"And so you can make sure I haven't cut myself...right?" His words made me think he was insinuating that I didn't trust him but the smile on his lips said something different.

"Nope, its because I want to make sure it's done correctly," I couldn't help myself as I let my hand that was on my arm run up his arm and to his chest, he slightly shuddered from my touch but he kept his eyes connected to mine. "I like you, Senpai. How much...I don't know yet. But I want to know...I want to be close to you. But I can't do that if you don't let me. If I do something you don't like, tell me. If I make you uncomfortable, tell me. I need you to communicate with me. I don't want to ever unintentionally hurt you...not again."

"That wasn't your fault, Kujikawa. You didn't know and..."

"That is exactly my point. I didn't know, but I want to know, Senpai," I withdrew my hand from him and got to my feet. "I want us to be closer. And its possible we could be spending a lot more time together. I don't really expect you to reply to me confessing to you, Senpai. I do like you...I want us to be more than we are right now. But I will never pressure you to making a decision or rush you. I'll be here, waiting." I turned and started closing up the first-aid kit. "Well I'll put this away and head home. I'm sure Grandma is wondering why I haven't come home yet."

I got up and went to leave. My heart was pounding so hard...I couldn't believe I had actually said all of that to him.

"Kujikawa...I'll be...thinking about it," he said.

"And I'll be waiting, patiently," I whispered as I finally left him. A lot had happened...I learned more about him, but all it did was fuel my interest and attraction to him. Just like his Mom had warned me...I was going to get hurt, even if Kayane didn't intend to. I would have to be patient...and know that the possibility was high of me spending nights crying because of it. However...there was a part of me that couldn't just walk away...because a part of me connected to him on a level that I couldn't compare to anyone else in my life. I could feel it...that if I didn't take this chance...I could end up regretting it. Even if it took years...I would be here and I would wait for him. And right now, there was nothing that was going to change my mind.


A/N:

Being a teenager sucks, especially with how I remembered it being. Hormones can totally mess you up, and its really easy to be caught up in the drama of different social groups and the strange politics that come from it. Now add in Persona, Shadows and a whole mess of psychological issues and good luck navigating that. The conflict happening between Rise and Kayane isn't anything new...as a matter of fact it is a constant problem that the two keep hitting their heads on. The main reason...its tough to change. Kayane is aware of what he needs to do but is hard on executing it. Rise knows she needs to be patient with him but also has the side that wants to dive in. It's a part of the two of them that constantly conflict. This leads to frustration on both sides, and while Rise is usually the first to speak, it takes Kayane time to process and figure out what he feels is wrong. So this leads to the two of them going in circles. Sound frustrating? It should. To put it in a different way, imagine you have two good friends, and the two are so stupidly obvious attracted to each other that you and your other friends just groan whenever they are around because they just won't spit it out...its kinda like that. So if it feels like the two have been going in circles the last couple chapters then...congrats you aren't wrong.

However both of them took steps here in this Chapter to break that cycle...although ultimately it is up to them if they can finally move forward or get trapped in a weird holding pattern. But things are going to change either way as the main plot of Persona 4 comes back into view. Those familiar with the game know what will happen next, but hopefully I can change things up a little bit to make it a bit surprising and hopefully still have a good impact.

I think the main thing here is that Kayane realizes that in order to change he has to put in significantly more effort into it. You can't just scrape by without taking risks. And he definitely took one by telling them more about what he has suffered through.

Yes, I just recycle one of the other songs here, because I felt it matched up with what was going on, and just happens to be Kayane's go to song when he's feeling a certain way. I do have other songs written...but I just don't like them to be honest. Like I said, I'm not a song writer, and not particularly confident in...well any of the songs I've written.

I enjoy the dynamic of the Persona 4 cast, and while I only focus on certain members they all still add something to the mix. Rise may be slightly out of character, but honestly I try pretty hard not to let that happen, but because the nature of the fact that there are a lot of things that happen here that are not close to what happens in the game...I just take all that I do know and try to give a realistic approach. But if it is one thing I have learned...its impossible to please everyone, and I know many won't agree with how I portray some of the characters. Just like I know many won't read this because it has an OC. And I know many won't agree with the fact that I at times have portrayed Rise as the horny teenager.

On that note, the main reason that happens is actually for a few reasons. For one, she IS a teenager and don't try to tell me you haven't found yourself fantasizing about someone while sitting in class or when your spending time with them. Another reason is that Rise likes the physical contact, even in the games she doesn't hesitate most of the time to grab Yu's arm or other things throughout the events of the game. That alone doesn't really indicate much, but it does indicate that she craves that connection. And lastly...for the relationship of Kayane and Rise...she needed to be the one pressing it. Several times when she gets frustrated she reaches out to him, because its a reflex for her to get her point across is to make that connection. I think her suddenly kissing him in this chapter is the best example. She's frustrated because Kayane keeps talking down about himself...and she wants him to know that she cares...that he shouldn't feel that way when people care for him. That coupled with the feeling that she wanted him to stop. Plus, with Kayane as he was, he didn't react as severely as he would normally would to that kind of action as a result.

Anyway, as always I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. The main plot of Persona 4 is about kick back in again. Let me know what you think so far and I'll see you all next week with the next chapter.