Trigger warning: potentially disturbing content is in this chapter; themes of suicide and physical aggression ahead, proceed with caution

Chapter 4


POINT OF VIEW: HERA SYNDULLA

It's been five days since we lost communication with Ezra and Sabine.

All we know is that their signal disappeared over Tatooine when they crashed.

I would've assumed, being the smart kids they are, that they went looking for help. Unless of course, they crashed in the middle of an endless desert.

But five days is a long time. Long enough to be possibly scooped up by the empire and taken off-world.

We were sending search parties in two days. I attempted to make negotiations with General Soto about scheduling it sooner, but finding the kids was just "not our top priority."

We would've gone in four days, but I brought up a very good point when I mentioned that the disc they stole was still with them, and we would need it ASAP because it contained information about the new Inquisitor that we had discovered was being transferred in. We had only recently gotten a hold of this intel. We're all just praying the empire hasn't noticed the integrity of that particular file hasn't been comprised, otherwise they'll rearrange everything. Every lead we have will be useless.

Therefore the search was moved earlier. But we still had to wait.


"Lost in thought?" I heard someone ask. I jumped because I hadn't heard them approaching.

Kanan nudged me in the ribs and smirked.

"Yeah, I guess so," I sighed.

I stared out the front window, losing myself in the abyss of stars.

"Hera, we'll find them," he reassured me, putting a hand on my back. He knew what I was thinking without me even having to say it. I would blame it on his Jedi abilities, but he already knows enough about me. It can be a real pain sometimes because you can't get away with hiding when something's bothering you. Kanan just knows.

"They're smart kids. They'll know what to do."

I heaved out a long sigh. "But something doesn't feel right. It feels like there's...like there's more to this than we're seeing. I don't know how to explain it."

"I know what you mean."

I leaned into Kanan, resting my head on his shoulders. I laughed. "He's been acting different around her. Have you noticed?"

Kanan rose an eyebrow. "There's been a change? There's an addition to him confessing his love for her every other day?"

I giggled at his jab at the young padawan. "No, no. She's different too. They talk to each other with much more understanding and maturity than they used to." I smiled fondly at the memories of the two teens sitting in the common area of the ship, playing a game of sabacc. Under normal circumstances, the two of them would bicker, and Ezra would accuse Sabine of cheating at least four times. Instead, they spoke in hushed voices, eyes glittering as they confessed what they wanted to do when the war was over. Places they wanted to go, things they wanted to see. Dreams they hoped they lived long enough to see.

They had many days like that. Many moments that were tucked away from the rest of us, reserved only for the two of them.

"Then if your observations are correct," Kanan chuckled, "let's hope they're not doing something they shouldn't be doing."

I hit him in the side with my arm in response to his insinuating comment. "It's none of our business what the kids are doing!"

Kanan rolled his eyes.

"Seriously!" I laughed. "They're probably too concerned with getting back to the fleet to sort those feelings out. It's not as easy as it is for us."

"Oh, we were easy?" Kanan asked incredulously.

"Teenagers have lots of very intense feelings. And neither of those kids are the best at communicating, so I have a feeling it'll be a few more years before those emotions are sorted," I explained. Ezra's crush on his teammate was obvious from the start, even to Sabine herself. The rest of us thought that with time he would relax, and the dynamic between them would settle and become normal.

I was mistaken and had this revelation when Ezra and I were having a conversation a few months ago. Hearing about the intensity of his love for her was heartwarming, but also incredibly worrying.

For as long as the crush has persisted, Sabine had never tackled the issue head-on with him. She would brush off the comments with a laugh or occasionally egg him on, but she never told him with seriousness to cut it out. No one on the Ghost had any idea how Sabine felt about Ezra, and even I couldn't talk it out of her.

I had a feeling that when those complicated feelings were unearthed, the ship would either have a thick, lovesick atmosphere or would be depressing and stagnant.

Hopefully, those were issues were going to be dealt with at a later time.

One thing at a time.


POINT OF VIEW: EZRA BRIDGER

I sat in the middle of the glass room, barely conscious. Another session had come and gone, and unfortunately, my body remembered it better than I did.

I looked up when I heard two taps on the glass pane in front of me. Suddenly, the glass was longer reflecting my image, it was revealing Mortimer on the other side.

"You will suffer, boy, for the rest of your pathetic, miserable life. As she should've."

You're doing this for her.

I glared back at Mortimer.

"Would you like it if she got to watch you suffer?" he chuckled. I squirmed against the shackles. "Would you like her to see what a noble hero you are? Putting yourself in her place?"

A selfish part of me wished she would. A part of me wanted her to understand the lengths I would go to to be there for her.

But I knew better. There's nothing healthy about having an expectation like that. She didn't know the danger she was in, so she doesn't even know I'm taking the blow. Why should she be grateful for a gesture she never asked for? Sabine didn't need that. I didn't need that.

The wiser part of me hoped she would never have to see me in this state. Sabine would feel guilty, and responsible for my pain. The entire point of my sacrifice was to take the weight off of her. She didn't need the weight of knowing that her lineage was responsible for her friend's pain.

Did Sabine even think of me as a friend?

The monster outside the glass snickered, interrupting my thoughts. "Get the boy cleaned up, and escort him back to his cell."


"So what's the plan? How do we get ourselves out of here?" I sighed, plopping myself down on the cot.

Sabine's eyes narrowed, and she crossed her arms. She was leaning against the empty wall across the room, staring intensely at me.

What was she trying to figure out?

"You still haven't told me where you've been outside of the cell," she snapped.

"Why?" I sighed, "Why do you have to know?" I didn't even know how to begin explaining my frequent absences. If I was smarter, I would've thought about making up an elaborate story, a lie about my frequent attempts at negotiating a deal to set us free.

Why bother, honestly? She's smart enough to see through any story I fabricate.

It might be worth trying.

"You can't just disappear and then not tell me why!"

I shook my head and leaned against the wall behind me. "It's for your own good. Mortimer made it clear that he has a bone to pick with your family, so it's safer for you to be in the cell. I'm trying to work out some sort of deal with him to let us go."

She scoffed. "For my own good? I don't need you making judgment calls for my safety."

"I'm doing this to help us!"

Sabine stormed over to where I was sitting on the cot. "Then let me help too! I can handle whatever issue Mortimer has with my father."

"Can you please trust me on this?" I pleaded. "I know that you already have a problem with me because of the mess I got us in," I exclaimed. "So please, please just let me fix this."

"Ezra," her eyes locked with mine, "Talk to me. We need to talk this out."

I sighed heavily, then sat down crossed legged on my side of the cot.

"What makes you think I have a problem with you?" she asked somberly.

I wasn't sure how to explain myself. I wasn't interested in her pity, but it was frustrating how little self-awareness she had about any of this.

Unless I was inventing a problem that didn't exist. Sabine had as much of a right to be frustrated as I did.

I swallowed hard, unsure of how to proceed. "I feel like a dead weight on every mission we go on, whether it's with the entire team or just you and me…" I trailed off. I crossed my arms and looked away from her. "It's not like rejection is anything new though," I continued.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, I'm not surprised you hate me. My entire life has been filled with people who are there for me, and I trust them, and you know what happens?" I look to Sabine, half expecting an answer. She didn't offer one.

Answering my own question, I sighed, "They leave. I slow people down, I'm a liability, and I'm difficult to put up with. I don't always have the best judgment, and since I'm desperate to prove myself, I end up putting us in danger."

Memories of close calls flashed in my mind. The times that I stuck my neck out too far, trying to do the right thing, and almost killing myself in the process. Or worse, the times I was showing off to my team so I would seem capable and strong. Ignoring orders. Taking a blaster shot when I shouldn't have. Insisting that "I've got this."

I've got this.

I've got this.

"Your parents didn't leave you, Ezra! They were taken!" Sabine countered.

"I'm not talking about them!" I snapped. "I'm talking about everyone I've known my entire life. I'm talking about how I'm doing it right now."

The room turned frigid as I explained further. "I was nine. After two years of living alone, after two years of me begging for help, after two years of people saying no. Saying no to the filthy "loth rat," I gave up. I hoped the height from the ground from my tower was enough. I hoped it was-it was enough to-to-" I choked, suddenly feeling my body go limp. I had betrayed myself, in a way. Revealing such a weakness so someone who already believed I was weak.

I tried to collect myself but to no avail. The pain was slipping out of me faster than I could reel it back in. Years and years of loneliness and heartache, pushing against the back of my eyes, begging to be released. "It didn't work. The instinct in me kicked in, and it didn't want to die. So I braced myself, using the force to slow my fall long before I knew what it was. A few broken ribs, nothing else. When I was thirteen I made a second attempt. I was close too. Found you guys about a year later."

I smiled to myself. I remembered being so curious and excited. They were the most interesting thing that happened on Lothal in a long time.

"I met you. And of course, being the annoying kid I was, I flirted. You were new to me and pretty, at that. I saw the dynamic you had with Zeb, and I wanted to have that with him too. We were going to be bunkmates, so maybe I had a chance at making a real friend."

The image of the door closing over and over again came to mind. "Zeb thought I was a pain. Thought I was difficult. And he was right. But I didn't know how else to go about it. He appreciated witty banter, sarcasm, crude jokes…so I thought I'd indulge." I clasped my hands, looking down at my feet. My head felt so heavy. My shoulders felt heavy. My whole body felt like gravity was doubled. I just wanted the floor to pull me down and swallow me up.

Sabine hadn't said anything in a long time. I couldn't bring myself to look up at her. I didn't want to know if she was looking at me. I didn't want to know what her eyes said about me. Did she feel pity? Empathy? Disappointment? Guilt?

Nothing?

"Kanan does a bad job of hiding how difficult of a student I am. I'm undisciplined, unfocused, distracted, emotional…" I trailed off, feeling the tears finally come loose. "I'm everything a Jedi isn't supposed to be."

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

"Hera doesn't deserve the trouble I give her. I'm bad at following directions, I lead with my heart instead of my head despite her warnings. I make her tired. So, so tired," I wavered.

"That's why I'm not shocked. That you hate me," I mumbled. "It's just another part of the pattern. I still don't understand why I'm still on the team. Look at us right now," I whispered, finally meeting her gaze.

She had been looking at me, but her eyes had…nothing.

"We're here because of me. Every time I was told to focus, listen, follow, I ignored it! And I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of it. Knowing that there's a good chance we might die here." The tears were warm and salty, and no matter how many times I wiped them away, more rolled down my cheeks just as quickly.

"That's why it has to stop. This weird thing going on between us where you say you don't care, but suddenly do, then we fight, make up...it needs to either stop, or you need to just be honest with me. It's enough to be processing the rest of my insecurities, but it doesn't help when the only person that is supposed to be my ally here isn't even my friend."

It was silent for a moment. "Are you expecting my sympathy?" Sabine snapped, leaping to her feet.

Nothing.

"I just want honesty!" I retorted, springing up as well. "I've tried so hard to be your friend, and show you how much I genuinely care about you. You wanted to talk! You wanted an explanation! So I gave you one, and the only thing you have to say to that," I huffed, "is asking if I'm wanting sympathy?"

She grabbed my shoulders roughly, and shoved me against the wall behind me, and scowled.

I felt the scars on my back stretch a little bit, and the pain traveled up like lightning.

Shit shit shit shit shit-

"Get OVER yourself, Ezra! You're not mad that I'm not your friend, you're just mad that I won't set aside the rebellion to fall in love with you! Do you think you're entitled to me just because you think you care enough?"

I struggled against her tight grip. "Let go of me!" I begged.

The pain was rapidly increasing. I could feel the scabs tearing open, the blood rushing out into the bandages.

"Then answer the fucking question, Ezra!"

"Let GO!"

I finally managed to squirm out of her hold but didn't stay upright for long. I fell to my knees, gasping at how badly it hurt.

How bad everything hurt.

The room had never been this silent before.

I was almost satisfied, in a way. I had finally gotten my answer.

But I felt guilt, her question still hanging in the stagnant air.

"No," I whispered weakly, trying to hide the stinging pain my body was in. "I'm not entitled to anything. I'll stop. I'll stop all of it. The jokes, the declarations…" I swallowed hard. "All of it. I'm sorry."

I wished the ground below me would just disappear. I could just fall, down, down, down, until there was nothing left to think about.

Sabine sank to the floor, her breath shallow. "No. I should be sorry. You opened yourself up to me, sharing some of the hardest things imaginable." She sighed heavily. "And I was selfish. I was too stuck on what you thought of me. I…I wasn't honest with you."

I could feel her reaching out to me, but I recoiled at her touch. The memory of her furious, tight grip was still burned into my body. Sure, on the Ghost we were all pretty physical with each other. Punches in the arm, jabs, wrestling, among other things. Hell, I spent my days now getting tortured.

But I had never been grabbed like that before. Not by someone I knew or trusted before.

"Please don't" I whispered. "This is what I was talking about. The cycle, I just - I can't keep doing this."

"I know, I know, but just let me explain-"

"Just stop dragging it out!" I begged, wishing the nightmare would stop. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I wasn't. I opened myself to someone I thought I could trust, and they pulled away. I was too much to handle. I've always been too much. I've always been nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And then suddenly, there was warmth. The cold of my thoughts was melted by a familiar fire.

It had happened so fast. My face felt like it was burning.

Sabine had lunged herself on me, her eyes once fighting to lock with mine, and pressed her lips firmly against mine.

My instinct was to lean in, to let myself be pulled in by her warmth. To close my eyes and enjoy the satisfaction of being chosen. Of being chosen, finally, by her.

But the sick feeling that grew in my stomach outran the bliss. The fury in her voice and the anger in her hands were all I could think about. I felt guilty. Did she feel so bad for me, that she decided to pretend she cared? Had she been lying about how she felt all along?

I felt confused. She had been right. I felt entitled to her feelings, and she called me out on it. I drew a boundary, I told her I would stop. I would've rather stopped than lose her. She didn't deserve having someone crowd her airspace.

But she was kissing me. Of her own volition.

And it felt wrong. This wasn't warmth, this was hot. It was burning. It was fire.

It was wrong.

I pulled away with a jerk, finding her eyes, hoping to understand what was going through her head. I expected to see confusion, shame, or guilt.

Much to my surprise, she looked sure of herself. Her eyes were glazed over with tenderness. It dissipated when she looked back at me.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, brows furrowed.

Her lashes fluttered. "What?"

I didn't know how to continue. A younger, more naive me would've been devastated that I pulled away. I had gotten what I wanted and had denied myself of indulging in it. I had too many questions, too many grievances, too many things I wanted to say.

"You got what you wanted. You called me out, and I agreed, setting a boundary. Why now? What changed? Why?" I asked incredulously, bringing my hands to my forehead.

"That's the thing," she confessed. "It wasn't a change of mind. It was a change in honesty." Sabine took a deep breath, averting her eyes to the empty wall. "A few months ago, I started to feel differently about you. I was still unsure about it, and with the chaos of a revolution being in our hands, I thought it was safer and smarter to put those feelings aside. Especially because I was still conflicted on how real those feelings were."

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I felt euphoric, and lightheaded because of Sabine's confession.

And even still, the nausea of it all overtook it. She still had moments of cruelty towards me, before and after our capture. Her conflict manifested in such a twisted way. She was demeaning, insulting my intelligence and my integrity. She was condescending, treating me as an inferior and not her equal. She made me feel like nothing.

Nothing.

My silence probably concerned her, so she tried to embrace me. "Ezra-"

"No!" I voiced, scrambling to get myself as far away from her as I could, despite my inability to pick myself off the floor. "Don't touch me! Don't do anything! Just stop everything!" I begged. "You can't just make me feel like shit our entire relationship and then say it's because you cared! You shoved me into the wall, and then kissed me a minute later! Instead of trying to be my friend, you made sure I never forgot how unworthy I was of you. You made me out to be some sort of monster, who was only in it to win the girl, but I was ALWAYS happy to just be a friend to you. But I made a mistake. I made a lot of dumb, stupid mistakes. I overstepped in my jokes, not knowing I was making you uncomfortable. But you never talked to me," I cried. "I was never anything to you."

"Ezra, that's not true-"

"I can't keep being in love with you," I whispered, shocked that I said it aloud and not in my head. The minute it escaped, the heaviness I had felt for so long was lifted. I had been so heavy with the weight of holding on to her, that I didn't realize how hard it was to handle.

But I knew I was lying. I loved her, even still.

But I knew I had a choice in indulging it.

"I'm sorry," I said sharply, making my way back towards the cot.

I was tired. I was heavy. I winced at how badly my back hurt.

How bad everything hurt.