CHAPTER 6


POINT OF VIEW: EZRA BRIDGER

Waking up every morning was dehumanizing.

I still hadn't adjusted to opening my eyes, and not seeing the ceiling of my bunk right above me. It was strange having Zeb's loud snores and grunts replaced by the soft, deep breaths of Sabine.

Every time I blinked away the sleep, a few tears would always follow, the cold, molded ceiling above me a harsh reminder that I would be getting used to this.

As the mornings went on, I couldn't bring myself to even get up until I was summoned by the guards for the regular session. Unless I was prompted, I remained on the cot.

This was another one of those mornings. It was probably morning, at least. I can't remember the last time I saw sunlight. My only indication of the change in cycle was the tray of rations being haphazardly slid in through the cell door, then shutting again with a click.

I heard Sabine stir beside me, and she flipped over so she was on her back. Her eyes weren't open yet, but I could tell she was no longer asleep.

Last night was the first time I had ever seen Sabine break down like that. That behavior is unexpected from her, mostly because she doesn't let anyone else on the team witness a falter in composure. She very much emphasizes how independent and strong she is. How much she doesn't need anyone else sorting through her emotions.

She doesn't take kindly to sympathy. She mistakes it for pity.

Sabine stretched her limbs out sideways, and she breathed in deep and dumped all her air into a long, tired sigh.

It was odd how quickly we adjusted to sharing the same cot. I found it odd, at least. Even now, there was something off about it; I almost felt invasive. In the few seconds I was awake and she was not, I felt like a predator, silently stalking unsuspecting prey.

I'd brush against her arm in the middle of the night, and I'd recoil, the sensation sounding off the sirens in my head.

I suppose the idea that Sabine wanted to be around me, or even actively liked me, was a concept I hadn't fully grasped yet. I was so busy trying to figure out if she even valued me as a teammate when she was busy wondering if she had feelings for me.

I still didn't understand the depth of Sabine's feelings either. I had already involved love into my end of the conversation, but she had mentioned no such thing.

As I let my thoughts wander, I let the heaviness in my eyelids take over.

Is her attraction to me purely physical? Does she like who I am as a person?

Does she just like me because I'm the only adolescent in her circle? Therefore, I'm date-able?

I shook away the doubts. I already put my cards on the table. She was still figuring it out. She didn't need to be rushed.

The mattress shifted beneath me, so I peeked open one eyelid.

"Fucking hot," she murmured to herself groggily, throwing her shirt over her head. "Too fucking hot."

She sat there for a moment, only in a cropped tank top, the thick material pressing against her tightly. It was black and rather practical, likely making it easier to put on armor.

Sabine turned to look at me over her shoulder, and she caught me staring since I had got distracted at how quickly she discarded her shirt.

Shit.

"What are you looking at?" she snapped, shoving the linen pillow in my face. Soon after, she yanked the blanket over her entire body, so her torso was covered.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to see you like that!" I stuttered, quickly sitting up.

I must have jerked up too quickly because my head spun for a few seconds.

"Sorry, it's just really hot, and I wasn't really thinking-" she rambled, the blanket around her loosening.

"Hey," I reassured her, "you're fine, you can feel comfortable with me. But if it's weird, I can just turn back around so you can have some time to cool off."

"I'm not upset Ezra-"

"No," I chuckled, "I mean literally cool off. It's really, really, hot."

She blinked, a little confused, but she let a smile slip through her pursed lips. She flopped back down to the pillow, letting the blanket pool around her waist.

After my promise of being respectful, I fought the urge to ogle.

Her stomach was toned, and not quite as tan as the rest of her body. She looked soft to the touch.

Sabine interrupted my thoughts, and I feared she was reading my mind. The topic was centered elsewhere, surprisingly.

"Sorry, it's not really an insecurity thing," she explained, eyes up at the foreboding ceiling that couldn't seem to leave us alone. "I'm just not used to being without my armor, or any under armor, in front of other people." She smirked, meeting my eyes. "Us Mandos really have an issue with vulnerability, huh?"

Almost involuntarily, my hand slid across Sabine's bare stomach, fingers gently tracing shapes on the surface of her skin.

It really was soft.

"I like you when you're vulnerable," I said, my voice lowering, keeping my commentary from being the hallway's business. "You should do it more often."

The air around us felt electric. My adrenaline was making my stomach do a backflip. She was right here, under my fingertips. She was real, and right here.

I could see the adrenaline in her too, the color building in her face. Despite the excitement, she looked terrified.

I removed my hand, putting some distance between us. There was no need to rush her, and there was certainly no excuse for overstepping.

"Sorry, that was weird-"

"Maybe a bit. There's probably a few more boundaries we need to keep up while we're figuring this out," she explained hesitantly. "Like...maybe, can we not kiss without asking the other person?"

Fuck, I kissed her last night. She was literally a few moments away from being taken advantage of, and I took advantage a mere minute after.

"Shit, Sabine, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, I just wanted you to feel safe and show you how I feel, but I messed up," I sputtered. Smiling to myself incredulously, I said, "I love you, and I want to do whatever I can-"

"Maybe," she interrupted, "we can hold off on saying things like that." She swallowed hard, avoiding my gaze, her shoulders sinking until her hands were in her lap.

My heart didn't fall quickly. It didn't hit the bottom of my stomach with a heavy thud. Instead, it sank gently, floating down with painful slowness.

I was overzealous. I wasn't using my head. I knew that much already.

But I almost wished that she would ask me to say "I love you."

"Ezra, it's not your fault. Last night...I was just frustrated...and figuring things out," Sabine rambled, tears beginning to fill her eyes once more. "I'm scared," she muttered. Words I thought I would never hear her say. "But I don't think I can figure this out right now. I'm too busy wondering if we're going to make it out alive. I'm too busy wondering where you go every day, and why you refuse to tell me where, and why. I'm too busy wondering why my father is a part of this equation," she exclaimed, her fear escaping faster than she could keep it contained.

I nodded with understanding, fighting the tears that pushed at the back of my eyes. My agenda would have to sit on the shelf, for now. There were feelings that I wanted to talk about, questions I had, things I wanted to say.

They would have to wait because she was right. We had to figure things out first.

"I am too," I said, laying down on the cot, selfishly giving in to the heaviness.

"Ezra."

I hummed in response.

"He said we had met before."

"Have you?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. He looked familiar, but I didn't look at him longer than I had to."

The memory of Aje looming over her invaded my head.

"Sabine?"

My skin felt cold to the touch.

"Did he do...anything else to you? When you say almost, what did he almost...?"

"He almost crossed some pretty serious lines, Ezra," she huffed. "Let's leave it at that."

A concern raised itself. "Do you think he would try again?"

She held her breath, the possibility dawning on her for the first time. "I hope not."

"I hope not, because I'd imagine pregnancy would be absolute hell in a prison cell," I sighed, hearing the stupidity of my comment too late.

Sabine definitely heard it, nonsense syllables sputtering out as she searched for a response to such idiotic commentary.

"Bold of you to assume I wouldn't rip his dick off before he got the chance. Besides, people don't just do that shit to have babies, Ezra."

"Yeah, I know. But that's definitely one of the reasons people do it."

"You've never done it before, I'm assuming, based on the amount of knowledge you have on this."

"Thanks captain obvious, but I think that's perfectly reasonable considering I'm busy fighting in a war," I retorted. "Not to mention, at fourteen I wasn't really trying to get laid."

A beat passed. "Have you ever done it?" I asked hesitantly.

She shook her head, her lips forming a straight line. "Ditto on the war thing."

"Oh," I exhaled. I rose a questioning eyebrow. "Then what makes you the expert?"

"The difference between me and you: I went to school."

I scoffed in offense at her statement. "I went to school too."

"When you were how old?"

"...eight," I conceded. Damn.

"I doubt that they taught you about sex when you were that young."

"Word does seem to go around about it," I smiled at her. "But I think we misunderstood where exactly the baby is kept. It's definitely not the stomach." We laughed at that for a few seconds, the awkwardness dissolving.

"Anyways," she shrugged, "All I'm going to say right now, is that this, Aje, Mortimer, all of it...is more complicated than it's supposed to be. It would require me to tell you things that I'm not ready to reveal to anyone yet."

"Understandable."

After I mere thirty seconds of silence, I began to laugh slightly. "This might be one of the strangest things I've done."

"What is?" she smiled.

Her smile can light up a room, damn.

"I'm talking about sex with my crush. Isn't that like, every academy student's worst nightmare?"

Her smile suddenly melted away.

"Friend, Ezra. We haven't crossed those bridges yet."

"Hmm," I smiled. "I'm talking about sex with my friend...that actually sounds worse."

Sabine scoffed.

"Ah yes, my friend, that I occasionally declare my love to and kiss...pretty fucking weird," I laughed.

Sabine was glowering at me, her arms crossed tightly across her chest. "You aren't letting up on this are you?" she deadpanned.

I smirked, not sensing the very serious drawing of the boundary. "Nope. You are stuck with my undying affections for you. For time and all eternity, through whatever circumstances, I will still like you." I shrugged. "Sorry."

Her heartwarming smile returned. It was hesitant like she was restraining herself. "Since when are you actually coherent, Ezra Bridger?"

I grinned sheepishly. "I do it to keep up with you."

Bringing herself closer to me on the cot, she leaned against my shoulder.

"I'm not sure if I should slap you, or hug you. After our little talk."

I rested my head atop hers. "Let's pick the less violent option," I suggested.

She elbowed me in the ribs, in response. A fair compromise.

"Sabine?" I asked quickly.

She replied with a faint hum.

"Do you, well," I coughed, "d-do you like me? Like, like me like me?"

Smooth.

She snuggled in closer. "I thought we already answered this question."

"I guess, but, I don't even know why you like me. Aside from the teasing, I really do care about you. I really care about you...and I-" I mumbled nervously.

"Ezra, as much as I like you..."

My heart was already sinking again. I wanted to go back to that shelf I tucked things away on. "No, no, can we please at least acknowledge it? I know you wanted to wait, but what if waiting isn't a choice right now?" I explained. I took her hand in mine. "What if this is it?"

"I just don't think I can. Not right now at least."

"So when? After this?" I retorted. "What if there's not an after? Or a later? Sabine-"

"But," she continued, "I've been saying not right now, for a long time."

She held my gaze for a moment, allowing the meaning of her words to sink in.

How long has she been holding off on this?

I flinched when her hand came up and touched the side of my leg. I began to back away slightly. Her eyes were clouded, and filled with something I'd never seen before. I couldn't quite place it, but I also didn't have much time to think about it.

"Sabine, what are you-"

I've got to hand it to her, she knows what will shut me up. Her lips had found mine, and they were quick and relentless.

Sabine deepened the kiss, her hand coming up to grab the side of my face.

I felt her slip her tongue out of her mouth, and beg entrance into mine. Her other hand pulled slightly at my hair.

Her lips are soft.

I paused for breath, pulling away from Sabine, our mouths separating with an audible pop.

"Fuck," I breathed heavily, feeling the same clouds collect in my head.

Our separation only lasts for a second, because she began kissing me again. Sabine began to lean backward, pulling me down towards the cot.

Her hands were pulling me, clutching me with fervor, drawing me closer in any way she could. I followed her lead, my hands mostly propping myself up so I hovered above her. One of her hands began to wander down my torso, heading in a very clear direction.

And suddenly the clouds dissipated, my grip on myself returning.

I didn't want this. Not yet. For all I know, this is it. She just wants touch, she wants sensation. She doesn't want me. And if she did, she was skipping a lot of steps that I wasn't willing to go around.

Before, I was desperate for her to figure everything out. But now, I wanted her to be sure. I wanted her to feel real. I wanted our embraces to feel real, our kisses to be real.

This didn't feel real. Maybe it could be, and maybe it was, for all I knew. But I needed to be sure.

"Sabine," I gasped, pulling away from her, "I don't want to do this. I mean, I do...but I can't. Shit-"

She sat up, pulling the blanket around her tighter. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking..."

I felt sick and used. One moment she was saying that any serious feelings were off the table, and the next minute she's throwing caution to the wind. I clambered off of her, blinking away my confusion at the quick set of events that unfolded.

"Yeah, you weren't thinking," I said sternly.

Her eyes suddenly looked sad. "Excuse me?"

"Am I just a plaything to you?" I snapped, allowing my temper to get the best of me. The emotional exhaustion of being pushed and pulled away was starting to get to me. "A way to get off? A fill for some empty spot?" I asked, practically begging for an answer. "You drew an explicitly clear boundary, and then suddenly...? What the hell?" I sputtered.

She scoffed defensively. "Do you really think that I'm that shallow?"

"I wouldn't put it past you," I snarled. "You can't even see what you're doing. Tell me," I ordered. "Tell me what you like about me. Something. Anything. Something about me, who I am."

Her mouth gaped open, trying to form words that weren't there. "I-I don't...I don't know-" she stammered, her head hanging. "I'm just not sure what you want Ezra! I thought you wanted me to figure this out! Isn't this what you wanted? For us to be done waiting?"

"That's fine!" I exclaimed. "Can we maybe talk about it before we skip to another base?"

She blinked, unsure what to say. I decided to press my question again.

"Are you going to tell me anything?"

"Do you need a reason?"

The door flew open, startling us both out of our argument.

It was Aje.